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Trust Shattered · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee from the Children's Consultancy, and this is episode two in the series, which has now been extended to six parts, and it's entitled The Psychology of Deception.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: In the first episode, I looked into the psychological substructures which begin to explain the nature of deception and deceptive behaviors.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things I wanted to try and do was to highlight that people who behave in this way don't always do so consciously, don't always do so intentionally.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Even when it's pointed out to them that there is a lack of congruence in their behavior, i.e., the words and the actions don't match, sometimes they just can't see it.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: But what they'll do is retreat behind explanation and justification.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Very rarely do they accept that the other person's experience of their behavior has been damaging.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now the other thing that I want to say is that sometimes, and this is particularly true in coercive control and abusive relationships, we're not talking about a single incident.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about a pattern that emerges over time and which once caught in that pattern, it's not easy to see it, even when part of you might be saying, something's not right here, or why is this?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: So today, what I want to try and do is to look at the effects of this, because when trust has developed, it can become wordless because it's a felt experience, but what happens when it breaks?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Betrayal isn't just upsetting.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I use the word betrayal because it is the trust that has been assumed, which has been used and accordingly betrayed.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: That experience is destabilizing, it's disorientating, and for many people it's traumatizing in ways they don't initially understand.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: When deception is realized or uncovered, there is often a moment, sometimes quiet, but sometimes explosive, where the mind realizes that something I believe to be true just isn't.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that moment can feel like the ground just falling away beneath your feet, and your body may react.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: You may have a drop in your stomach, a racing heart, you may have body temperature changes that are quite dramatic, and a sense of shock.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be very powerful.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't an overreaction, it's the nervous system responding to perceived threat.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: When something is pulled away or realized in this manner, it can be devastating.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is due, these reactions are due because something which has been emotionally reassuring or assumed to be safe has not just been threatened, it's been destroyed.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Trust is a really important factor in our relationships, and we often underestimate what trust does for us.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we trust, that allows us to relax, it allows us to be vulnerable, to share thoughts without guarding every word.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: To build a future with someone when there is trust is something which is something hard to accomplish at times, but when you do, it's incredible.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: But when trust collapses, the nervous system can move into hyper alertness.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Many people describe replaying conversations and events repeatedly, struggling to sleep, needing reassurance again and again, sudden emotional swings.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't weakness, it's the mind recalibrating and trying to restore something resembling coherence.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Very often, when we trust, we make assumptions, we assume it's okay.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: We're assuming that the other person is authentic, that they are consistent, that what they're saying is real.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: But that then is shattered when we realize that these were assumptions and that we've been deceived.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: So that the relationship was real, that one's perception was reliable, and that one was emotionally safe, suddenly are exposed as untrue.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And something much deeper than disappointment occurs.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's a collapse of certainty.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: People often say, I don't know what to believe anymore.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I don't even trust myself.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most exhausting aspects of this is the mind's attempt to reconstruct the past.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You may find yourself asking, was that genuine?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Did they ever mean what they said?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Was I being lied to then?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the mind searches for a clear narrative.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because we as humans can't tolerate prolonged ambiguity.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: So we need a story that makes sense.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: But distortion is a result of deception in the other person's narrative.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: So the mind works over time.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people turn the pain inward, and self-blame then arises.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: How did I miss this?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Was I naive?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Should I have known?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I allow myself to be part of this?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And oddly, self-blame can feel strangely comfy, or for a period anyway, because if you can identify that there may be something you did that caused it, then perhaps you can control it in the future.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: But to be honest, I'm not sure that it's it's a mechanism, it occurs, but one has to be careful not to hold the responsibility, the truth.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: But the capacity to trust is not a flaw.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things you might ask yourself is that when the other person was behaving as they were, if you challenge them or mentioned it, what was their reaction?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you put to them, for example, that something has gone wrong or that they've misunderstood something that you've done and you've explained yourself carefully, not as a justification, but just as an effort to try and repair something, did the other person meet you halfway?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Did they recognize what you were saying?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Was there a resolution or was there silence?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because that and refusal to engage, avoiding resolution is a very common sign that there is some kind of control and deception at play.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the responsibility for deception really lies with the deceiver, not the one who trusted.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Anger often arises first.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: But beneath the anger is usually grief.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Grief for the relationship you thought you had, the version of the person you believed in, the imagined future that no longer feels secure.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: The grief's real and it deserves space and time.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the grief really can be capitalized, not capitalized, reframed into the term I love the person that you never were.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional disorientation after betrayal often feels just so unsteady.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Cognitively, your thoughts as well as your feelings.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: You might feel foggy and disorientated, overwhelmed, and detached.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what happens when reality shifts abruptly.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: The mind must reorganize itself around a new truth, and that reorganization takes time.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: In the next episode, we explore what happens when deception is not a single rupture, but an ongoing pattern that slowly erades reality itself.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: When the pattern is one that is chronic, it is very damaging, and at the same time it can become normalized.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: When I say normalized, it can become the living reality that the deceived person accepts.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And in some ways, this is why the self-blame occurs.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: How did I allow myself to do that?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Feelings of stupidity, feelings of guilt, shame, humiliation.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: These are normal, but I want to end by saying you were trusting, you were being real, but the other person simply wasn't.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'll offer you the next podcast shortly.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.