Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / Seeking Justice

Transcript

Seeking Justice · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

0:01
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Before we get into this,
0:23
can one of you confirm what movie I was supposed
0:25
to watch? Because I think I watched the right
0:27
one. Justice. Yeah, okay, I did. Seeking justice.
0:32
It depends on your nationality. In England, it
0:34
was just justice. Oh, it was? Yeah. That's lame.
0:38
And it should have been called fucking The Hungry
0:40
Rabbit Jumps, like it was originally named. Yeah,
0:43
yeah, yeah. It should have. The one on Plex was
0:46
like, the title card was in Spanish. Yeah. Yeah,
0:51
I saw that too, but then I was like, I own imports
0:54
as well, so as long as the audio's right. Mine
1:00
was in French. The whole thing? Yep. Is it because
1:05
you didn't just change the language? No, after
1:07
I realized this was yet another Nicolas Cage
1:11
schlub on the wrong side of the law film set
1:16
in New Orleans, I realized it didn't matter what
1:18
language it was in. I'd seen this movie like
1:20
12 times already. I don't know. I liked this
1:24
one. I mean, is it like a pretty predictable
1:26
procedural sort of like thriller? yeah sure i
1:30
had a pretty good time with it yeah a lot of
1:33
thrillers are pretty color by numbers sort of
1:37
things because it wasn't like a big like oh fuck
1:39
twist it was just sort of like it's been getting
1:42
messed with by this shadow group yeah i feel
1:46
like every twist exists in other movies so none
1:50
of it was like earth shattering right Like the
1:52
friend being involved, whatever. Exactly. That
1:55
was the big reveal. I wouldn't call this a paint
1:58
by numbers film, mostly because it was all over
2:02
the fucking shop. Paint by numbers. Somebody
2:07
who can't read. Yeah. Paint by numbers by someone
2:11
who doesn't know how to count. Yeah. Yeah. Or
2:14
they know how to count, but they can only count
2:15
to 10, and there's like 13 colors. But before
2:20
we get more into that, welcome back to Cage Match,
2:22
a colon, a roundabout way of meeting Nicolas
2:24
Cage. I'm your host, Sean, here with... I'm Nick!
2:29
Nick! And our producer. Peter, hello. Welcome
2:35
back. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. This week,
2:38
we are discussing Seeking Justice. Or Justice.
2:42
In 2011. Or whatever it is in Spanish. And January
2:45
Jones. And Guy Pearce. And then a bunch of people
2:48
I do not recognize. Oh, see, I recognized a lot
2:51
of people from this. Yeah. Like, do I remember
2:54
their names and do they matter? No. The only
2:57
one that matters is fucking Iron E. Singleton.
3:00
That's a great name. Great name. He was the kind
3:03
of like stout black man. Wait, what about Dick
3:07
Rand Tulane? Uh, what? D -I -K -R -A -N, first
3:14
name. Second name, Tulane. T -U -L -A -I -N -E.
3:19
Dickran Tulane. He played Sideburns. Oh, yeah,
3:25
Sideburns. He was the one with the scar that
3:28
got... He was the abductor of... Oh, okay, yeah,
3:33
yeah, yeah. In the middle half of it. But what's
3:35
funny is that his name was... but the other character's
3:39
name is Scar, who is the bald guy who has no
3:41
scar. Well, it's a reference to his botched circumcision.
3:48
Because, yeah, when I was looking at sideburns,
3:50
the thing I wasn't looking at was his sideburns.
3:52
I didn't even notice if he had sideburns. All
3:54
I noticed was that giant fuck -all scar. Yeah,
3:56
I don't think he had any facial hair at all.
3:58
I think that's incredible. I love that. I love
4:01
that for both of them. Nicolas Cage is... a teacher
4:07
he's married to january jones who's will and
4:10
laura gerard um one night something terrible
4:14
happens to laura uh and in his grief -stricken
4:19
moment uh nicholas cage uh agrees to let guy
4:24
pierces simon i got the imdb pulled up so i'll
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just you know cut out my pause between names
4:31
um simon to Find the guy who did it and take
4:36
care of him. And then we're ushered into a light
4:40
breeze of mild action as the most unnecessary
4:45
group of assassins. Organization of assassins
4:50
kind of makes its way through New Orleans. So,
4:54
yeah, I mean, that's that's kind of the whole
4:57
gist. There's a lot of steps to killing people
4:59
that don't need to happen, especially considering
5:02
that Guy Pearce. scar and sideburns are wholly
5:07
willing to just shoot people in public oh don't
5:10
forget the guy named cancer oh i bet he was actually
5:13
yes so irony singleton was scar god damn it four
5:19
years in that was your best joke so the the idea
5:24
is like yeah so he agrees to have the rapist
5:27
who attacked his wife be taken care of for a
5:31
future yeah a promise like a promissory note
5:36
and you know guy pierce says like you we might
5:38
want you to like knock out a camera somewhere
5:40
or you know show up and drop a letter off or
5:43
whatever you know but it's always murder yeah
5:46
it's always gonna be murder though right like
5:50
yeah any fool could take out a camera yeah you're
5:54
right it like gets kind of hot and fast into
5:57
not all that thrilling of action overall but
6:00
i was like pretty tense through this movie like
6:03
i thought it did a good job of building tension
6:05
i so okay uh i really liked or anything with
6:10
a chase scene I love, but that stupid chase scene
6:13
of Nicolas Cage running along the overpass and
6:18
everything. He's so slow. He climbs down. I mean,
6:21
he looks like an idiot trying to do these things
6:24
because he's an English teacher, but I just had
6:27
such a good time with him crawling underneath
6:30
the overpass and falling and almost getting hit
6:33
by cars. Then that one dude totally getting hit
6:37
by a car. Yeah, Scar, he gets fucking smashed
6:39
and then dragged. That was kind of gnarly. When
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Nicolas Cage is running across the freeway and
6:45
the, not semi -truck, but the larger truck skids
6:50
and just misses him, it gave me knowing vibes.
6:57
I was thinking about that scene. If a car really
6:59
was going on the highway in traffic and slammed
7:01
on its brakes and did that skid, you probably
7:04
wouldn't get knocked that far if it was really
7:06
slowing down. You would just sort of get bumped
7:08
around by it. That did feel oddly realistic.
7:12
I feel like most movies you would have gotten
7:14
hit by that and been like, what? Oh, you just
7:16
tossed? Yeah, exactly. I did like how it dragged
7:19
his body. Just legs behind it from an aerial
7:22
shot. I'll say I wasn't a huge fan of the action
7:27
in this film. There are a couple moments that
7:29
look really real and look like they'd be real
7:32
painful, like when Nicolas Cage tackles the guy
7:35
down the escalator. Yeah. Oh, sideburns. That
7:40
was sideburns. That's how sideburns die. Spoilers.
7:43
Yeah. Rest in peace, sideburns. And then when
7:47
Guy Pearce and Nick Cage go over the edge and
7:48
land on the escalator. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sorry,
7:52
I was just remembering the escalator part because
7:55
I was thinking like, oh, they slid down escalator
7:56
stairs. Those things are so sharp. But no, it
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was like the middle part with all the little
8:00
circle. Yeah, all the little fuck you knobs all
8:02
over it. God, that every time I want to slide
8:06
down one of those and then I look at those, I'm
8:08
like, that's going to feel terrible on my butthole.
8:10
Yeah. Oh, just fucking weird, sharp punches to
8:14
the butt. You know, some people pay for that.
8:18
I mean, like I could. Learn to love it. Yeah,
8:22
exactly. You just have to train yourself up one
8:25
bump at a time. Yeah. I feel by 40, you probably
8:30
know. Yeah. If you like butt bumping. I mean,
8:36
I think by 40, you would at least suspect if
8:40
you knew. I've never had the suspicion that I
8:43
might need two or three knuckles. Only one way
8:49
to find out. but yeah so like there's not enough
8:52
spargo buddies on this table but i love you peter
8:56
but you know mouth stuff only this is for science
8:59
while the labuzzi watches yeah exactly oh no
9:04
they're innocent labuzzi's for the kids dude
9:07
oh fucking i was talking about the labuzzi with
9:11
my friend tiffany and how like peter you were
9:14
saying your daughter like wanted it and you're
9:15
like no you you can't have this like alcohol
9:19
you're not allowed to bring the buzzball mascot
9:22
to school yeah i had but it made us think that
9:26
like you know how many joe campbell plushies
9:28
i had as a kid for real yeah my kids at my school
9:31
definitely had like joe campbell t -shirts and
9:33
shit yeah yeah shirts with just the marlboro
9:36
man silhouette on it it's like dad won this with
9:39
his fucking cigarette tops it was mostly big
9:43
dog oh god Some of my favorite toys as a child
9:46
are responsible for my father's early death.
9:51
Comedy podcast. Yeah. Just lawn darts. You find
9:57
something out weird about Sean. Butt bumping.
10:00
Just butt bumping lawn darts. I don't know. You
10:03
got to start wondering at some point. Why I'm
10:07
the way I am. Yeah, exactly. know if lawn darts
10:11
deserve to be in your butt obviously there's
10:13
a point in your life where you look at every
10:15
object and you're like could i take that in the
10:17
butt right like those little candles you've got
10:20
over there i could probably put one of those
10:22
in my butt it'd be fine yeah i mean i wouldn't
10:25
you wouldn't love it experience but that doesn't
10:27
look like something that would like fuck you
10:30
up yeah i'm not gonna lose it for one but it's
10:33
not going to tear me up or anything. This is
10:35
a great conversation. I like what else is in
10:38
this room that I could shove up my butt. I think
10:40
that you could probably do the lava lamp. Ooh,
10:43
you got to cool it off though. Oh yeah. Yeah.
10:45
But that's not as cool looking. Uh, do you think
10:50
you could take a pool noodle? You could kind
10:53
of roll it up to get like a, a narrower bit.
10:56
Yeah. And then once it's in expand. Yeah. Yeah.
11:00
How do you get that out? I mean, like you're
11:03
pole -starting a lawnmower. Let's ask Richard
11:06
Gere. Thank you. I was trying to remember Richard
11:09
Gere's name to make the same joke. Let's get
11:12
him on the podcast. He's not doing anything.
11:13
He's not doing anything, no. Yeah. Oh, we could
11:15
get him and Swayze doing like a back -to -backsies.
11:18
Oh, boy. Ass -to -ass. Ass -to -ass. Okay. Yeah.
11:24
So this movie, you're right, it is not action
11:28
-packed. No. But I do think it has a good sort
11:30
of like... who's involved, everyone's involved.
11:33
It's like there's this code phrase that people
11:36
say, you know, the hungry rabbit jumps. And it's
11:40
sort of the indication that they are associated
11:41
with this group. And I did like that, right?
11:46
There are certain parts of it, like why did the
11:48
lieutenant or whoever it was, like why did he
11:51
help him out? Yeah, I mean, that motivation was
11:54
pretty unclear. I'm suspecting he's one of those
11:59
people kind of like, uh his friend who was just
12:03
like you know things are getting out of hand
12:04
oh right yeah i'm trying to he may be trying
12:07
to out of control we're trying to get the yeah
12:09
well like well his friend was just like simon's
12:13
going too far yeah so maybe the lieutenant was
12:15
on that boat but uh it was a little unclear but
12:18
you know you just kind of my understanding of
12:19
it was they're supposed to be like different
12:21
cells so like if one cell gets caught they can't
12:24
ride out another cell again it's like a rogue
12:27
cell yeah it's needlessly convoluted A little
12:31
bit, yeah. I imagine that they just had meetings
12:33
like the Elks Club or something. Maybe like some
12:37
big silly hat that they all wear. All right,
12:40
so I'm going to try and run through this. So
12:42
he's a teacher. His wife gets assaulted. He's
12:46
the cool teacher, though. He's the cool teacher.
12:47
Only like rad Shakespeare. He's a teacher who
12:50
fucks. Yeah, brought students to a symphony concert
12:53
to keep them off the bad path. Right. So his
12:56
wife gets assaulted. He has the killer or the...
12:59
the corporate killed. So he's then six months
13:05
later, you know, they're living at home. She's
13:07
gotten a gun, whatever. And then he's called
13:10
up to track some woman at a zoo. And then this
13:14
guy. who he's told is a sex offender or something,
13:19
who's a creep. Yeah, he's like a pedophile. He
13:22
does kiddie porn. And then his job next is to
13:26
bump him off of an overpass bridge. Yeah. So
13:30
he does inadvertently when the guy freaks out
13:33
and is like, oh my God, you're trying to kill
13:35
me. So then the cops come and get Nick Cage,
13:38
which is how he then gets into this lieutenant
13:40
situation. Then he gets released by that guy.
13:44
Was a bad lieutenant. Bad lieutenant. Not released,
13:47
but escaped by that guy. He escaped him. Then
13:52
he goes and figures out, it's all this frame
13:55
job. The guy that he accidentally bumped off
13:58
the overpass is actually a reporter trying to
14:00
blow up the whole... Yeah, he goes to the guy's
14:03
wake. Yeah, he goes to the wake and gets drunk
14:05
with a bunch of reporters. Yeah, and starts asking
14:07
them a bunch of questions about him. I loved
14:12
the part where the guy at the end was like, hey
14:14
man, I don't know if you're a cop or a private
14:16
eye or whatever, but don't come to somebody's
14:19
fucking wake and pretend to be their friend.
14:22
Not cool. After they drink multiple shots from
14:26
him, they're just draining him for whiskey. Slick
14:29
move. It's like, I know you're a piece of shit,
14:31
so fucking kick rocks, dude. So then his wife
14:35
gets kidnapped again. Well, not again. For the
14:38
first time. So she gets... It's true. They did
14:41
leave her behind last time. Yeah. No ransom requested.
14:45
That's true. Then she gets away? Wait, she maces
14:50
those two dudes. She maces Cancer and Sideburns.
14:54
Yeah, and then she like... But then they catch
14:57
her again? Yeah, because when he goes... So Nick
14:59
Cage finds the reporter's stash and finds all
15:04
his files and discovers that his best friend
15:07
is part of this organization. Oh yeah, Michael
15:11
from Lost also. When he goes and confronts the
15:15
friend, then later goes to Laura's best friend
15:20
and finds out where she's hiding out and then
15:22
has... The guys can never again, needlessly complicated.
15:26
She could have just been kidnapped the first
15:28
time. Oh, that scene was actually pretty good
15:30
though. When, when she opens the door and it's
15:32
like, Oh, it's me. It's a Jimmy or whatever.
15:36
Not Tim Meadows. Yeah. Hey, it's me. Not Tim
15:38
Meadows. Right. A different high school principal.
15:43
African -American descent. So she opens the door
15:46
because she recognizes him. And then there's
15:47
that like split second moment where you see.
15:51
cancer sideburns or whatever come around the
15:52
corner it was like that was a good little like
15:54
jump moment yeah i liked that there aren't that
15:57
many in this it's not like a very great like
16:00
high tension in that way sort of no it's not
16:03
a jump scare movie or anything like that it's
16:05
more of just like a uh oh boy what's next yeah
16:10
you know the feeling i got uh the uh the feeling
16:14
i got throughout this whole movie is every like
16:17
20 minutes or so i'd be like oh thank god this
16:20
is wrapping up and i pause it i'm like there's
16:22
40 minutes left in this piece of shit yeah so
16:25
then they go to the superdome to see a truck
16:29
a monster truck show yeah i was so happy when
16:31
it was the monster jam yeah that was cool i was
16:34
i was expecting it to be a football game or something
16:36
but no this is the one thing this is the one
16:38
part of this movie that made me chuckle so when
16:40
nick cage gets his initial like job from simon
16:43
he's getting dicked around a lot and like you
16:46
know go here and mail this thing or buy two candy
16:50
bars buy two candy bars yeah like is that a real
16:53
candy bar no okay i wasn't sure if they made
16:57
that for this movie or if it was something that
16:58
was real i'm like go to this mailbox when he
17:01
gets the mailbox he gets like open the letter
17:03
gets a phone call all this like all these things
17:06
so when it's his turn to he's like go to the
17:08
concourse you'll find a bathroom have a piss
17:11
get a hot dog and then he finally shows up and
17:15
guy pierce is just like having fun and i'm like
17:17
yay I would. Yes. You know what I did not see
17:20
in that exchange? He did not wash his hands before
17:26
he went to buy that hot dog. What if... Maybe
17:29
he doesn't touch. He's got a lot of Monster Jam
17:31
piss on his... Listen. On his fingies. What if
17:34
you just are really good at clean pissing? Oh,
17:37
yeah. Sure. Yeah. You just wear sweatpants. Sling
17:41
hog out. Yeah. Okay. Piss. Get it back in. You
17:45
didn't touch a door. It's a fucking stadium.
17:48
Yeah. I don't know. People are still going to
17:49
look at you weird, even if you're a master pisser.
17:51
It's true. Here's the thing I noticed about that
17:53
scene that bugged me. They're in the bathroom.
17:56
It's a trough. It's a trough toilet. There's
17:59
a sign that says, please flush. Yeah, please
18:01
flush the urinals or whatever. It's like, oh,
18:04
get out of here. Sometimes those troughs have
18:05
like the central flusher. Yeah, they do. But
18:08
I've never seen a sign that said flush the urinals
18:11
above a trough either. I've been to the Superdome.
18:15
I like how Nick and I both picked up on that
18:18
needless detail. It's stupid background information
18:21
that I love. Makes no difference. Yeah. Pissing
18:25
in a trough is one of my favorite ways to piss.
18:26
I got to piss in a trough this weekend. I forgot
18:29
that the tractor is still a trough. Did it have
18:32
ice? Nope. Oh, usually the tractor had ice. Bare
18:35
metal trough. Just hot trough. Just hot troughing.
18:39
I was hot to trough this weekend. what'd you
18:43
say that's your second best joke in four years
18:45
oh my buddy was in town so we went and saw uh
18:47
the cave singers oh cool yeah yeah good show
18:50
yeah yeah nice you know it's guys with acoustic
18:53
guitars and stuff yeah and a hot piss trough
18:55
and a hot piss trough i got their last hams first
19:00
beer i got there i was like i'd like a hams and
19:02
he's like it's the last one Damn it. Then I went
19:05
to Twilight later and I asked for a hams and
19:09
Dave was like, we're all out. I'm like, what
19:11
the fuck is happening around here? What's going
19:13
on with hams? I don't know. Man. I need to go
19:16
back down and restock my hams fridge. My ham
19:21
fridge. Who doesn't have a ham fridge? Ham slam.
19:24
Zeta Buddies was my favorite place in Ballard
19:26
because it had all those beers. Hams and Strohs
19:29
and all the kind of like mid shit from the Midwest.
19:31
Yeah. Yes. God. Nice. Just what I want. Medium
19:36
beer. I was going to say about the January Jones
19:39
of it all. I don't know what it is about her,
19:43
but I never recognize her without those Mad Men
19:48
jugs. It just never looks like her. She's also
19:52
a pretty boring actor. It's true. Obviously,
19:56
Mad Men was the big thing for her. She's a pretty
20:00
good character in that. for the most part like
20:02
she's boring and bland at first but then has
20:04
like an arc and then it was what like x -men
20:07
first class or something where she plays emma
20:11
frost emma frost and she's like designed to be
20:14
boring in that which is a not boring character
20:17
so right i didn't recognize in this film because
20:20
she wasn't a terrible actress in it and that
20:24
she was forgettable in this where she's usually
20:25
overacting so much and it's awful yeah actually
20:29
that's a pretty good point like Overall, I think
20:32
that her performance, Guy Pearce's performance,
20:34
and Nick Cage's performance were not terrible.
20:36
And we'll get to the Cage of it all. But the
20:38
acting wasn't bad in this. It's just sort of
20:41
like a weird medium movie, you know? So I thought
20:46
for sure there was another movie that we've watched
20:49
with January Jones. Was there? No, I think I'm
20:53
confusing Famke Jensen or whatever, which is
20:58
fine. My Google search, it gave me the people
21:02
always, or also ask, what movie is Nicolas Cage
21:05
in January Jones? And I'm like, oh, that's a
21:08
funny way to say it. And then I was like, oh,
21:09
there's even a sex scene. So it's not exactly
21:12
incorrect. Yeah, they kind of got it. He's a
21:15
method man. He went for it this time. She loved
21:19
it. I don't know how to transition out of that
21:24
one. Terrible thing to transition out of. So
21:26
the director of this, Roger Donaldson, he did
21:29
like a fair amount of stuff. But the only two
21:31
that I had really seen were sort of like deep
21:33
90s, like bad movies that live in my brain. Dante's
21:39
Peak? Dante's Peak. And the other one, Species.
21:44
I looked up this guy beforehand and I was like,
21:47
man, this guy hasn't done a lot in a while. Then
21:48
I looked down, I'm like, holy shit, he did Dante's.
21:51
vegan species those movies were huge in the 90s
21:54
for no reason for no reason so species because
21:57
like boobs you know boobs which was like that
22:00
was really hot i think she killed a guy in a
22:02
hot tub with her tail yeah do you guys remember
22:04
before the internet and like just having a like
22:08
a mildly like sexy alien would just make your
22:11
terrible movie like the biggest fucking thing
22:14
yeah i mean that was kind of the entire thing
22:16
yeah yeah i mean like it didn't matter if it
22:19
was an alien or Like some kind of hot, weird,
22:22
androgynous furniture piece or something. Usually
22:26
okay with me. I was trying to think. Oh, yeah,
22:29
he did The World's Fastest Indian. I saw that.
22:31
Oh, yeah. There was what? Something else. Not
22:35
Dante's Peak. I don't know. There was something
22:38
else that I had seen of his. Dante's Peak came
22:40
out at the same time as Volcano, right? Oh, fuck,
22:43
yeah. He did a... movie called smash palace right
22:46
after he did nutcase the other i guess the other
22:50
big one would be cocktail with tom cruise oh
22:52
sure yeah so dante's peak is one that like i
22:56
really don't remember except for like doesn't
22:59
a grandma's feet turn into skeleton at some point
23:03
just skeleton Doesn't a grandma's feet turn into
23:09
skeleton at some point? It's the sentence you
23:12
just said. I stand by it. I remember they're
23:17
in a boat and the boat is able to survive the
23:20
lava for some reason. It's not the lava, but
23:22
the water of the lake is full of... It's acidic
23:26
and boiling because of the lava. and what did
23:30
she dangle her feet over it or something she
23:33
has to like push the boat they stall i don't
23:36
know why they didn't have maybe their oars melted
23:38
i don't fucking remember no that was it their
23:40
oars melted and someone needed to get them to
23:42
shore because the boat was melting and grandma
23:44
was already gonna die because she was old so
23:46
she got in the water and her feet turned to skeleton
23:48
thank you just straight up skeleton feet Am I
23:52
misremembering it or is that accurate? No, that's
23:55
exactly how that went down. You're right. Wow.
23:57
Because that's my only memory of that movie is
23:59
like, okay, I guess like bone feet. That's pretty
24:07
awesome. I'll have to watch that someday. I don't
24:09
think you need to watch it on TSP. Just that
24:10
scene. Yeah, all right. Well, I'll pass that
24:11
around the channel. Okay. I do want to talk about
24:14
a couple things with this film is when Nick Cage
24:16
goes, escapes to the police station very slowly.
24:21
the slowest like escape um yeah i like to draw
24:24
attention to yourself he steals it but even when
24:26
he's running he's running slow um well he might
24:30
just be slow yeah uh i i did like how he uh stole
24:34
a car he goes into a rich hope goes into a fancy
24:38
hotel goes into the coat just walks in the coat
24:41
check finds a coat that has a ticket puts it
24:44
on walks right back out Gets a car. A sweet escalade
24:47
or something that was bumping some definite escalade
24:51
music. Uses that car to commit a crime. Does
24:53
the worst bribery I've ever seen. Tries to bribe
24:55
a guy with 20 bucks. Have you seen my friend
24:57
Andrew Jackson? Yeah. Does give the guy 60 bucks.
25:00
Does the slowest break into a garage ever. But
25:05
the part I want to talk about is cops get called.
25:09
High speed chase. You think he's going to jump
25:11
a train track while a train's coming? Doesn't.
25:15
Turns around, clips cop car. Cop car, like, gets
25:19
the top sheared off. Oh, I thought the cop was,
25:21
like, definitely dead. The second cop definitely
25:24
is. The guy in the driver's seat got out. Passenger
25:27
did not survive that. I guarantee it. But so
25:30
here's the thing. He keeps that car for at least
25:33
a day. No APB. Nobody's looking for that car.
25:37
Drives around with it for a whole other day.
25:39
And then at the end of the movie, when Simon
25:41
gets a... When they're like, you know, the Simon
25:44
guy did it. And this teacher, Walter, whatever
25:47
his name is, like all charges are dropped. Despite
25:50
the fact that escaped police custody, car chase,
25:53
stole a car, almost killed a cop. Like, no, that
25:57
guy's still going to jail. But see, if you just
25:59
get in front of the judge and you go, the hungry
26:01
rabbit jumps. Wink. I will say that they do not
26:06
have a case. Because the cops never apprehended
26:10
him about the car chase or anything like that.
26:13
Or clearly saw him. Could have been anyone driving
26:17
that car. That's true. That old man, he was old.
26:19
He could have given them incorrect information.
26:22
Yeah, he was old, deaf, probably a little blind.
26:24
The only witnesses to his crimes were mostly
26:27
Simon and them. And they're dead. Also, his facial
26:32
hair changes all the time. It's the most inconsistent
26:35
goatee. he could be any man yeah you know he
26:42
did have some bad hair this one too it was just
26:45
yeah bad hair it's definitely in that like um
26:48
whether it was next or knowing i don't remember
26:50
the big bird hair you know where he hasn't quite
26:53
gotten the plugs in the front yeah knowing yeah
26:55
it's receding knowing and uh no next sorry the
26:59
gold jacket Next was the one that made me, like,
27:02
cry laughing, right? Yes. Yeah, good. Yes, the
27:06
gold jacket. That's right. The gold jacket and
27:09
the bird hair. Yeah. Yeah, so it was 2011. I
27:13
mean, we're entering the weird zone for him,
27:17
for sure. This is a lot of just, he's doing it
27:19
for the paycheck. I was surprised to see that
27:22
there was only, like, two production companies
27:25
attached to this thing, because I assumed...
27:26
Tobey Maguire. Yeah, Tobey Maguire was a producer.
27:30
But I I just from the outset, I was just like,
27:34
this is going to be another like this took six
27:37
studios to get funded organization. And now just
27:41
two and Tobey Maguire. Yeah, Tobey Maguire is
27:44
a weird edge case. Like, I think he mostly produced
27:47
his own movies like Seabiscuit and some of that
27:49
kind of shit. And then there's like nobody fucking
27:51
wants to work with him. Nobody likes him. He
27:53
sounds like a D -bag. But, you know, he still
27:56
is. He's my Spider -Man. I have a couple of my
28:00
favorite reviews. Oh, yes. Go for it. Panned
28:05
by critics, generally liked by audiences, minus
28:08
Sean. Yeah. Let's see. I'll start with the 10
28:12
of 10. Somebody gave this 10 stars. 10? Yeah.
28:16
Jesus. And it starts out strong. Seeking justice
28:19
and dying of the light. They say dying to the
28:22
light. Dying of the light. are our two favorite
28:26
Nicolas Cage movies of the past few years. Oh,
28:29
that's the one that we read last week. Or last
28:31
episode. Oh, was it? Perfect, yeah. It just keeps
28:34
going. He loves it. I'm assuming it's a he. 7
28:38
of 10. Not bad at all. Worth watching. I've never
28:42
been Nicolas Cage's biggest fan. In fact, he
28:45
is to acting as I am to ballet dancing. Most
28:48
of the time. Yeah, the comma is there, but most
28:52
of the time, But Seeking Justice, or Justice
28:55
as it's named in the UK, is definitely one of
28:59
his less disastrous movies. That's such a fucking
29:02
shitty review for something you give 7 out of
29:07
10 stars to. This comes out of the middle of
29:11
a review. This is neither Cage's best film or
29:14
his worst. It is also not his best hair or his
29:18
worst. In fact, I have to give Cage some credit.
29:21
His acting was far better than this film ended
29:24
up calling for. Seven of 10 stars. But the one
29:30
that makes no sense and just reeks of like sad
29:33
is waste of time. One out of 10 stars. Is Nick
29:39
Cage supposed to be the average man? If so, I
29:43
find that very offensive. You make a promise,
29:46
you have to stand by your word. Just like if
29:48
somebody says yes to - any situation even if
29:51
you regret it after fact you still gave your
29:54
word know thyself if you're drunk or angry and
29:58
make a deal then back out when you get back to
30:02
normal you clearly do not know yourself he is
30:06
a weak waste of a person the movie character
30:09
not nick cage himself i resent the premise of
30:13
this movie and i would suggest finding anything
30:15
else to watch I kind of like this. I love this
30:20
movie now. Also, tell me you're an incel without
30:22
telling me you're an incel. Right? For real.
30:25
You gotta make, you make a promise. You keep
30:29
it. Keep the promise. We were going to get chicken
30:32
tendies. So 2011, Nicolas Cage, five movies,
30:37
all of which I would consider mostly unwatchable,
30:42
except for one banger, Season of the Witch. Drive
30:47
Angry, Seeking Justice, Trespass, and the best
30:50
one, Ghost Rider, Spirit of Vengeance. All right.
30:54
Okay, wait, hold on. Drive Angry. Fucking crushes.
30:59
I mean, that was one of my favorite in -memoriams.
31:03
Yeah. I love that movie up to a point I cannot
31:09
get to the end of that film. i mean he shoots
31:13
the devil's gun it's like it's great it's like
31:17
watching any porn i'm like and we're done uh
31:21
okay what else was there it was uh season of
31:24
the witch fine loved that too ron perlman yeah
31:27
seeking justice which is this trespass which
31:30
was yeah trespass was the uh Him and... We watched
31:36
it just recently. That movie kind of sucked.
31:39
What I do enjoy, so this came out in 2011. 2012.
31:44
Stolen. Both in New Orleans. And in both movies
31:48
he plays a character named Will. Oh, there you
31:50
go. Will he do it again? Stay tuned. For season
31:57
four of Cage Match. How many movies has he been
32:01
in where it's... Does he have the willpower?
32:05
Largely just because he lives there. I mean,
32:09
you love a place. You're trying to get money.
32:11
Like, I don't know. It's probably just easier.
32:14
He's like, I live here. I'll do it for $1 million
32:18
instead of one and a half if you shoot in my
32:20
backyard. Yeah. I mean, none of this screamed
32:24
necessary for New Orleans. It wasn't necessarily
32:28
written for that, I don't think. No, there's
32:32
really no reason it's there. I mean, they use
32:34
the Superdome as a set piece, but really only
32:37
to go to the abandoned mall next to it for the
32:40
final shootout. Yeah, you could just use any
32:42
kind of urban area. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it could
32:46
have been Cleveland. It could have been Cleveland,
32:51
you're right. Go to the Factory of Sadness and
32:54
take a piss. Now eat a hot dog. Now eat a piss
33:00
dog. I zoned out for a minute, and I think the
33:06
words I heard come out of Nick's mouth were,
33:08
go to the factory of sadness and eat a hot dog.
33:10
You heard right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is the
33:12
most, like... Have you never been to Cleveland?
33:16
That is the most mid -aughts, like, Linkin Park
33:19
lyric I've ever heard. That was a nickname that
33:22
Browns fans called their stadium. That's incredible.
33:26
It was either the factory of sadness or the sadness
33:28
factory. I can't remember. That's another hat
33:31
tip for Bill, our only Browns fan. Hey, Bill,
33:34
drop down in the comments and let me know which
33:37
one it was. I could Google it, but I'm going
33:40
to wait for your comment. Yeah, we're not going
33:42
to do that. All right, so Nick Cage, let's talk
33:46
performance, because he earned a Razzie nom for
33:48
worst acting for this movie. Wow. Out of all
33:52
of his movies of 2011, they decided this was
33:55
his worst? This was his worst acting. which like
33:59
it's a little phoned in but i didn't find it
34:01
to be like terrible no it was when did the razzie
34:05
nominations come out because maybe it was just
34:07
near that maybe it was just the most recent one
34:09
yeah i mean i guess razzie's probably don't have
34:11
that much structure sure why would anyone care
34:14
just choose the movies the bad movies that are
34:16
closest to release date okay so if you're gonna
34:19
like if you're gonna rag on him at this point
34:21
you're gonna this movie that i have never heard
34:25
of and even at the time when it came out was
34:28
not anywhere like in the zeitgeist as opposed
34:33
to drive angry, which again, a lot of fun, real
34:37
bad. Also had a sex scene, but in general, like
34:42
where would you, where would you rate his acting
34:44
in this? Uh, I mean, I, I'd give it like a pretty
34:48
good six. I don't think it's necessarily his
34:51
worst. I think there are times where it's better
34:54
than not. With Nick Cage, it's those high highs
34:57
and low lows. So when you get something that's
34:59
right there in the middle, it is just forgettable
35:02
and uninteresting. But it's funny because it
35:04
didn't wash me out of the entire movie. I was
35:06
truly pretty engaged the entire time. Yeah, same.
35:11
I like this more than I thought I was going to.
35:13
My favorite, the one scene of his that really
35:17
stands out to me in terms of just dialogue and
35:20
Nick Cage being Nick Cage is when he... breaks
35:24
back into the school, so he gets suspended from
35:26
his job at some point for punching out a kid.
35:27
When he breaks back into the school, finds the
35:30
kid in there, like, tagging the place, and confronts
35:34
the kid, and the kid's like, I heard you got
35:35
picked up. What, for sucker punching another
35:37
kid? He's like, homicide. Yeah, murder one, bitch.
35:42
Murder one, and the kid's face just goes, just
35:44
goes, ah. I honestly thought everything about
35:48
his, like, in -class stuff could have been cut.
35:52
oh there's no reason for it i don't need the
35:54
the school stuff i don't need that kid i don't
35:57
need the like whatever like he could go back
35:59
and hide but you know save two minutes get rid
36:02
of that scene yeah save two minutes the the sucker
36:05
punching scene i will say you're not allowed
36:08
to hit students fair that kid swung on him yeah
36:13
that was self -defense Well, and, you know, just
36:16
because you're not allowed to do something doesn't
36:18
mean you can't. I mean, clearly. It just means
36:20
some facet of society thinks it's wrong. You
36:23
shouldn't. Yeah. And it's usually because of,
36:27
I don't know, corporate lobbying. Yeah, pretty
36:31
much. What's the movie? What's the movie we watched?
36:35
The Runner. He was a corporate lobbyist. Oh,
36:39
yeah. I forgot about that movie. That one was
36:42
truly terrible. I forgot about that movie. That
36:46
one made it into the bracket. It did make it
36:49
into the bracket. It was not an infallible system.
36:53
How did this avoid bracketing? I think it was
36:57
because of ratings. I think this was a clear
36:59
mid -seed. Yeah, fair. It probably could have
37:02
been in the bracket. It would have gotten bumped
37:04
pretty early, but I think it maybe belongs more
37:07
than some of the other ones. Same with Amos and
37:09
Andrew. I think that could have gone into the
37:11
bracket. We talked about what would you take
37:13
out, and then it would have lost anyway. It was
37:16
tough. I don't know. I tried. Fuck off. No, it
37:20
was great. I mean, you did a great job. Also,
37:22
fucking round one of this thing. Really, Peter?
37:25
Round one of this grand experiment of ours was
37:28
so long ago. It was a long time ago. It was a
37:31
hot minute. Yeah, we'll finish this at about
37:33
four and a quarter years. Yeah, if he dies early.
37:40
Yeah, I guess we have to add in all the Spider
37:42
Noir shit. I mean, he could be working for quite
37:45
some time. Yeah, that's true. What do you think
37:48
Nicolas Cage is an old man, a real get -off -my
37:51
-lawn old man is going to be like in a movie?
37:55
Oh, man. I think about Gone in 60 Seconds. there's
38:00
the Robert Duvall character who's sort of like,
38:02
I think he's got a mustache and then he's just
38:03
sort of like this old, he's like the old hat,
38:05
you know, kind of criminal. I feel like that's
38:08
where he's going to get his sort of end of times
38:12
where it's like, you're like a classy old con,
38:15
you know? Yeah. Having another Sazerac. Exactly.
38:20
I didn't, sorry, just do, God, I hate bringing
38:23
it back to this movie. I hate bringing it back
38:26
to the matter at hand. Every time he said Sazerac,
38:30
I was like, God, you sound like you don't live
38:33
in New Orleans. Or have ever had a Sazerac. Yeah,
38:37
which is bizarre. You want another Sazzy? Also,
38:44
were they at an adult dance in a high school
38:47
gym? I don't know what that was. Maybe that would
38:51
make sense if it was like... the like a faculty
38:54
prom since he works at a high school and his
38:57
friend was there and he works at the school but
38:59
also trudy was there and she's just like another
39:02
musician yeah i guess so i don't know it doesn't
39:05
make a lot of sense no but it was the dumbest
39:07
looking like box like there was no character
39:10
to the background in that it really was just
39:12
a corner of some sound stage yeah that part really
39:16
let me down and that was pretty early in but
39:18
so obviously the movie won me back over but Okay,
39:23
so let's do the final set piece, right? Okay,
39:24
so they go to the Superdome, and then he sends
39:27
Guy Pearce over to this abandoned mall. Or Guy
39:30
Pearce sends him over to the abandoned mall,
39:32
because they have his wife. It's a double -cross
39:37
situation, because his buddy is like, fuck this
39:41
guy. Yeah. And he shoots sideburns. Only when
39:44
they were like, kill him. Right. He shoots sideburns,
39:48
and he shoots cancer. sideburns doesn't get shot
39:52
sideburn gets his neck broken going down the
39:54
middle of the escalator oh that's right yeah
39:56
uh no he got a piece of glass from when they
39:59
crashed through the bottom that's what it was
40:01
yeah it was a truly wicked death like hitting
40:04
all those butt knobs and then right into like
40:07
that glass panel and getting your throat stuck
40:10
butt knobs and again when guy pierce and nick
40:13
cage go over the edge and land on the escalator
40:15
that one hurt the ground Right. When they hit
40:18
the ground, they are slow to get up. I'm like,
40:21
yeah. I'm 40, and I watched that, and I was like,
40:25
uh -uh. No, thank you. This is going to be bad.
40:27
I had to get myself a heat compress just because
40:31
of that. I was like, no, I felt it. So then Lieutenant
40:35
In -On -It shows up and is like, don't worry
40:39
about it. I'll clean this on up. You kids get
40:41
on out of here. I didn't see either of you. Looks
40:43
like a classic murder murder. They murdered each
40:47
other on different floors. Just shot that gun
40:50
at the same time. I hate it when the bullets
40:53
shoot at the same time. Busting at the same time.
40:57
Just another story of a murderer killing a murderer.
41:01
A classic murder murder. So then he goes and
41:04
he gives his DVD evidence to some chode from
41:08
the... Oh, yeah, the guy who called him out from
41:10
the newspaper. At the wake. Yeah. Hands it to
41:12
him, and then the guy goes up the escalator and
41:14
says the phrase, the hungry rabbit jumps. Eh?
41:19
Yeah. And that's it. That's the movie. Yep, so
41:21
you know the investigation's dead. Again, so
41:23
fucking dumb and needless. I don't know. I kind
41:28
of liked it still. So there was someone on the
41:31
inside who already could have, like... He stopped
41:33
all the reporting, gotten all that information.
41:36
But he didn't know where the reporting stuff
41:39
was all hidden. Right, which means he's a pretty
41:41
bad reporter because Nick Cage wasn't very good
41:44
at investigation either, and he figured it out.
41:46
Yeah. He just had to look at the receipts. Dumb.
41:50
That's true. All right, you're right, Sean. This
41:51
is dumb. But it doesn't have to be smart to get
41:55
us. Yeah, that's the thing. I can turn my brain
41:58
off for something like this, and I did enjoy
42:00
it overall. rachel and i watched it had a good
42:03
time you know it was better than other shit we've
42:07
watched yeah i liked when he was going through
42:09
walsh's desk and that lady at the other desk
42:12
was like in a hyphenate or whatever do you capitalize
42:16
both things and he's like thinks about it for
42:20
a second and then gives the most english teacher
42:22
answer i like i'm i watch it i was like those
42:26
aren't fucking words past participle i did i
42:30
did appreciate that because he was an english
42:32
teacher yeah that was that was clever that's
42:34
the only reason his teaching thing makes any
42:36
sense yeah but like so i can enjoy something
42:41
that's bad but i it needs to be engrossing and
42:44
i need to not be questioning every aspect of
42:46
it i could not do that with this movie this was
42:49
like a classic turn the brain off for me yeah
42:51
this was saturday afternoon Watching movies at
42:55
mom and dad's house. Yeah. We've watched so many
42:58
bad movies for this that I was fully able to
43:02
enjoy. Army of One. Terrible film. So dumb. I
43:08
love it. Not true. It was great. I mean, empirically.
43:12
Yeah. Pretty good. It made it through, what,
43:15
two rounds? That was a third rounder. Yeah. It
43:18
was a third rounder. That's pretty impressive.
43:23
i still liked it yeah uh you know what that's
43:26
fine i enjoyed it as well um and you know nobody
43:30
has to defend their decisions anymore yeah it
43:33
doesn't it truly doesn't matter we're not debating
43:35
right in that way that's why i'm using this medium
43:39
to let josie know i'm buying a boat bye bye I
43:48
think the only episode that Josie maybe didn't
43:50
listen to is her own episode. Okay. Yeah, I believe
43:53
that's true. Yeah. Which I can understand. It
43:55
took me a while to get used to listening to my
43:57
own voice without being like, ugh. Yeah. Nobody
44:01
enjoys listening to my voice. It's true. Listenership's
44:05
really fallen off from our high at the first
44:08
episode. Oh, man. Okay, so. I am excited for
44:12
our next film. Oh, yeah. So, next film. The Croods
44:17
won. Yeah. So the exact inversion of this, it
44:21
will be me and Sean enjoying a movie and Nick
44:24
hating it. I just don't like kids movies like
44:30
85 % of the time. Yeah. So to stick with the
44:34
tradition that we like inadvertently added last
44:38
episode. Two negative reviews, because obviously
44:41
there's plenty of people who are like, great
44:43
animation, it's amazing, it's the new Shrek,
44:45
whatever. They don't know. Shrek looks like shit.
44:49
Shrek looked awful. Always. It always looked
44:51
like shit. DreamWorks is terrible. Many implicit
44:56
messages hurting beliefs. Do not watch this movie,
44:59
especially with kids, and especially if you are
45:01
a believer. There are many points in this movie
45:03
that irritated me so much. It imposes some hidden
45:06
arguments against any belief and a creator. Fuck
45:09
yeah. Oh my god, wait, now I'm in. Don't let
45:13
your kids watch this. Total garbage, rude, insensitive,
45:16
and miseducational. Waste of time and worse.
45:19
Okay, another one. Just being like, mm -mm, doesn't
45:22
fit the Bible. Oh, man. God created, man. There
45:28
were no dinosaurs. Then you get into a lot of
45:30
them, which is not very good. Pretty bad. It
45:35
awful. It awful. Me good smart. It awful. I think
45:44
the thing I'm going to love the most about Croods
45:47
1 is punch monkeys do not exist in this movie.
45:52
What if they do? What if they just repeated that
45:56
joke? Then I would have to go back to our Croods
45:59
2 episode and be like, why is there no continuity
46:04
of them remembering Punch Monkeys? Right. Why
46:07
is this new now? Because they got punched so
46:09
hard. Yeah, exactly. Punched so hard you forgot
46:13
about Punch Monkeys. That doesn't make enough
46:14
sense for me. I remember Punch Monkeys. And they
46:18
fucking killed like 18 brain cells that day.
46:21
It's true. Just by being there. All right. Thank
46:26
you all for listening. Thank you to our Sparkle
46:28
Buddies, Josh, Josie, Matt, Adam, Bill, Stuart,
46:30
and Willow. And to our Caged Dancers, John, Freeman,
46:33
Nathan, and Cameron. If anyone wants to support
46:36
us, we are on Patreon. We also are going to have
46:39
another Nick Cage movie showing in... april on
46:43
april 11th in seattle if you want to buy a ticket
46:46
to go see prisoners of the ghost land as voted
46:48
on by the people this is the people's movie hell
46:52
yeah we're the people's theater now yeah so long
46:55
as the people want to watch nicholas cage films
46:57
exactly there see there there's a terrible movie
47:00
that's grown on me yeah well you're gonna see
47:03
it on the big screen if you want mostly because
47:05
i'm forced to own it because it was cheaper to
47:07
buy than rent And yeah, that's it. Thanks to
47:12
Bill Panks for our intro music and for you all
47:15
for listening. Send me a postcard if you'd like
47:20
to help me name my boat. Give me good boat names.
47:24
And the winner gets to go out on my boat with
47:26
me. Nice. What kind of boat would you get? A
47:28
small, unreliable one. Yeah, that sounds right.
47:33
Yep. We're going to go out into the deep water.
47:36
Just you, me, and my small, unreliable boat.
47:39
You're notoriously not a water guy. No. We're
47:45
all going to die. It's risky. It's really risky.
47:49
Penis McPenisface. Pretty good. Yeah. Okay. Bye
47:53
-bye. Drop me a postcard. No. Bye.