Latest / The Rochelle Christiane Podcast / 164. From Sober October to Self Love & Releasing Shame

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164. From Sober October to Self Love & Releasing Shame · The Rochelle Christiane Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the emotional mastery podcast.
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, rochelle.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: I'm a holistic, human design health coach, and this podcast is here to support you in your journey to understanding and regulating your emotions, to help you remember who you are, to ground into your knowing and to support you in all things spiritual, emotional and health mind, body and soul.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I bring some amazing guests to share their story with you, and my goal is to have conversations that are supportive of wherever you find yourself in your journey.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: I thank you so much for being here.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: This podcast started as a space to just share my voice and over the years it has become so much more.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being here and thank you for your support.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Now enjoy the show.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of the emotional mastery podcast.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Today, I'm going to sort of just riff on whatever is coming up.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: I feel like I have so much to say.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: There's been.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: It's just one of those times where, like the last week has felt like a lifetime, like there's just been so much happening, so much reflections, so much astrology and yeah.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: So we're just gonna start and I'm just gonna talk and I have a few definite points that I want to hit on For sure, but I went to a concert last night, took my daughter to a Query Taylor concert.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: If you don't know who that is.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: He is the lead singer of Slipknot and Stone Sour and my daughter is like really into like metal music.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: It's just like a phase which I think we all go to go through like at some point.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: I know I did when I was younger and I went to a Slipknot concert when I was in college and I was very much drinking and all of the things and I like I remember being like in the mosh pit and having so much fun with it.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: And yesterday was just like.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: It kind of made me feel my age and I always try to avoid being like I'm so old or anything like that or because, like I think age is just a number, it's just you are as old as you feel and so I definitely don't feel my age half the time, like I still feel like I'm in my 20s, but that concert made me feel definitely 37.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: But it was really interesting because it's just this dynamic.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: I think when you begin to like I'm air quoting, like wake up and begin to see things differently, like the entertainment industry, and it was actually really interesting.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Somebody this weekend was showing me something about the entertainment industry and just conspiracy theories and just all sorts of things that I just believe, like so much of that stuff, because there's just so much hidden from us as a collective right, and if you've ever watched a movie or you watch an interview or you watch the news, you have like a feeling right, and our body is always, always communicating with us and so whenever you have like these underlying feelings, trust them right, like so often we don't, but they're really like your body is really truly trying to tell you something.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: So sort of like little tangent there.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: But but yeah, so we went and, like I said when I was younger, I was drinking and just very much, not in myself, I was not in my body, I was very, I was asleep, right, I was not, I was trying to numb because I've always been a huge feeler and feeling is my superpower, it's my psychic gift.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Like I know that now, but when I was younger I just like felt everything and I like hated it.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: Right, it was like just make it stop.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: But so we went yesterday and I just almost felt like an assault on my senses between the how loud the music was, the smells that were there, you know between like the vaping and things like that, which is fine, but like when you have it all in like one room, it's just a lot.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: And then the lighting I felt like I couldn't see there was just the light was so bright.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: It was just like this whole thing and I'm like sitting there watching it and it was just like taking the masses and like giving your message out, but in like this really weird way, right, where the thing that I had watched this weekend was talking about how we like idolize celebrities, right, we put them up on a stage literally a stage and we make them like a God almost.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: As I'm like watching this with that in the back of my mind and I was just like doing some reflection on it today and like last night too, and it was like where she'll just like calm down, it's not that serious, but I'm just, I'm me and I have Saturn in my fifth house, so it's always making the fun, playful, creative things super serious.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: That's just like who I am and that's my process, and so I've sort of like completely surrendered to that.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: I also have Venus and Gemini, so I am like I do have a craving for the playfulness, so I have to like make light of it in some way.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: It's also opposite it's in the 11th house and then that's in the fifth house, so but I was just like, it was just so interesting to witness and I feel like a lot of what I've been going through now is really like really in this witness mode, right, whether it's my shadows, my emotions, witnessing other people, just like really watching these things as they manifest, as they come out.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: So it was just really interesting to be in that experience and be in a space where there's so much energy, like I hear people talk about like a love of going to concerts, and you know there's like a state fair Texas State Fair that's happening next week and people at work were like, oh my gosh, I can't wait to go.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: And although I love those things, I do I love my environment.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: In human design is markets, external markets, and so I love being around people.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: But I have to be very particular about the energy, the energetics of the place that I'm entering into.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: So like places like malls or state farms, state this is not a commercial state.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Fairs and concerts you know that maybe are a little bit lower vibration.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: I pick up on the frequency a lot, the energy, and so I love to be in a city because, like living in cities when I was younger I used to live in cities and I loved it because I could be around the energy but I can be in my own space and in my own home right, whereas, like, if I'm intentionally going out to like the state fair or concert, like I just soak that up so much that I really need to get better about tending to my energy, I need to get better about protecting my energy.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: And I just went to.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: I went to Austin overnight this past weekend and Rachel White, who will be on the podcast I believe it will be airing in November, if I'm not mistaken on the timing.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: We had an amazing conversation.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: She hosts the skeptical shaman podcast but she had invited me because she's an Austin, so she had invited me down to her event.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: She was having an equinox event and I was like why not?
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: My parents agreed to watch the kids, so I took off for the evening and went to her event just for like a couple hours.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: But she does a bunch of stuff.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: She does readings, but she makes flower remedies and I believe I talked about it maybe last podcast episode, the one before that, but I've been doing Alexa smart flower remedies and so she I just went and bought a whole bunch from her.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: She has so many different and they're just like really playful, fun names, but they're really potent, they're really powerful, and so one of the ones that I got was called self-defense, and it is about protecting your energy.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: Another one I got was called cat's meow and it's got catnip, which helps introverts become more extroverted, and so I've sort of been playing with those, while also continuing with the Alexa smart flower remedy that I already am in.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: But I did the self-defense, which is protecting your energy from just energetic leaks, from narcissists, from all the things.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: So I did it today at work, before work, and then I did it after work.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: I took a few drops and I felt and again, it also could have been the intention right.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: I 100% believe in flower remedies and she's gonna get into that in our episode, so I'm not gonna like go too much into the details here, but it's like an ancient, like we've been using these forever, right Before medicine for you know, and so like going back to that, I think it's really powerful and I think there is everything is energy right.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: Everything is energy.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Plants hold energy and so when we're taking the essence, the flower essence, right and we're ingesting them for very specific purposes, with very specific intentions, I do believe that's very, very powerful.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: And so having the intention of protecting my energy, as I was taking this self-defense flower remedy today, just felt really empowering and it felt really good to navigate my day knowing that I was holding onto that and that I had that within, because it's something I know I need to be a little bit more aware about, because I again, with feeling, cognition, emotionally defined, just all the things, being an empath, of course, like it's so easy to just give it away and have so many leaks and just allow so much energy, like taking it in.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: I always, always, always think about my ex-husband.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: He would come home and I would hear the garage door open and the minute he walked in the door it was just like all of the air was sucked out of me, like I could just tap into it right.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: And so when I first learned who me design, when I learned about the undefined solar plexus, I was like that has to be me.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: But I'm very much emotionally defined, I very much resonate with that.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: And then once I understood what feeling cognition was, I was like, oh, that's what, that is right, that's what that is.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: So it's so helpful to have something like that to protect your energy.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: And even just like doing I have some sprays that I would put in the morning and I think just setting the intention, like visualizing a bubble around your energy, or if you visualize a bucket with a bunch of holes right Like plugging them up, like something to set the intention to protect yourself before you navigate through your day, is really helpful.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: I will also leave the link for Rachel's flower remedies if you're interested.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: I think she's having a sale right now.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: I know she was at the event, but I'm pretty sure she's also having a sale on her website, so go check it out.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: I got like five of them and I got a sacred spray to like invoke ancestors, just like really cool stuff.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: So.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: And I got her tarot deck and I'm telling you so her podcast again is called the Skeptical Shaman Like she does not mess around with darkness, like in the way that I love her energy around that sort of stuff, where we are all human and we are attracted to it, right, and I think that's the point.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Like there's a duality in all of us and, as a shaman, shamans are attracted to that side of life, right, and like she's had said one point, like she likes the poison, right, like there's a part of her that is attracted to that.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: And so I, like the very first time I pulled cards from her deck, like here at home for myself, was so on point and it was not like sugarcoating, it literally was like almost rough where I was like damn, like let's calm down, but it was just like on point, it did not sugarcoat shit, like it was really really cool.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: So I'll leave her link down below and, of course, like her episode will be out in a few weeks, but that was this weekend.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: But what I really wanted to come on here and talk about was it has been a year.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Actually, I think tomorrow, september 27th last year, was the last day I had alcohol of the year.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: So I'll tell my story and then I'll get back to it.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: But I just want to sort of recap, I guess, or reflect on everything I've learned in the last year, because my relationship with alcohol has completely changed, completely changed.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: So you probably heard in one of the last episodes I did have a glass of wine and then in Austin I did have wine as well.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: And I grew up and I think, because of all of the emotional stuff, all the empath stuff, all the psychic things, like I went.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: You hear of people who are psychics, at least for myself, I always would be like I didn't see ghosts, I didn't hear spirits, like spirits didn't come and talk to me at the middle of the night, they didn't wake me up, nothing was like thrown around my house, right.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: So I was like I guess I just always was very disconnected with my body and so I never understood, I never had those stories.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Like every time I've interviewed a psychic on the podcast it generally is something around.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: When I was five, I talked to my grandma who had died, where I, you know, there's just some sort of visual auditory experience of the psychic, and so I think I just always I never thought that I had any of that.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: But when I look back, when I finally understood that my psychic skills came from feeling, I have to be very connected to my body in order to feel that.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: And so, lauren Aletta, I've done a lot of practices with her, I've done a lot of work on developing my intuition, my psychic skills and if you've ever had a session with her and if not I highly recommend it.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: But if you've ever had a session with her, she keeps her eyes open and it's very much like she's sort of like glosses over and you can tell like she's just connecting with something and that's the way that she does it right.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: And I've tried so hard to explore that and just see what it's like so that in my waking day, like I can sort of like connect to that energy and tap into that.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: But for me, the minute I close my eyes, everything turns on and so when I look back at like my childhood, I was so incredibly feeling, like I felt everything.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: But we're not taught what to do with those feelings, right, we're not taught.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: And from a human design perspective, I have an emotional authority.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: My solar plexus, my emotions, are defined.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: I ride away from emotions.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: They're up, they're down, there's no rhyme or reason to them, it just is what it is.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: And my entire family is undefined emotionally, so that was foreign to them.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: They didn't really understand that.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: So I was conditioned by the undefined solar plexus.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: And when your psychic skills, your intuitive abilities come from that deep connection with your emotions and the people around you are not in tune or aware of that, not to say that they don't have any sort of intuitive skills, like everybody does.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: But it takes awareness.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: It's like a practice, right, like meditation.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: You're not gonna meditate twice and just be like, oh my gosh, I'm awakened right, it's a practice and that's part of meditation is the practice showing up and do.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: It's like working out.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: You show up and you do it even when you don't want to, especially when you don't want to, right, and it's in that practice that you will really begin to tune in and cultivate those skills and talents.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: And so, not having anybody to model what actually that was right, like I didn't have any mentors or anybody that really talked about what it was to be feeling like that, what that meant, what that connection meant, how to cultivate that, how to increase my skills, how to discern what the fuck my body was actually telling me.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: I had no idea, and so I've been drinking since I was 12.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: I started having like a glass of wine with, like maybe holidays or like I just I don't know.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: I remember, like on Christmas, I think, the very first time I had a glass of wine.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: We would travel all over and we lived overseas and in Europe 16 was the legal age to be having beer and wine, and so we just started a little bit earlier and cause all my friends were drinking by like 12, 13, 14.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: And you know, when I look at my daughter I'm like damn, that's so young, like so young.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: But of course a different time, different lifetime and all those things.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: So I, just when I first started drinking, I realized how it would numb that feeling in me.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: Right, it would quiet all of the emotional noise, the emotional chaos.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: And so immediately I was like whoa, like I need to not feel so much, like I need to not be so serious.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: And again I have Saturday in the fifth house.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: There's no, I'm just like, I am playful and I am funny, I think I'm funny, I'm funny, I'm creative in all these things.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: And also there's a very, very serious side to me that can overtake a lot, especially in relationships.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: I need somebody who is playful, I need somebody who is light and doesn't take shit seriously, because if we have two people like my ex was so intense and so serious about everything, there's no room for fun.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: And I cannot do that because I am intense and serious enough on my own, that I need somebody to balance that out and bring the lightness and the playfulness to it.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: But I say all that because my journey with alcohol began very young, because I did not understand what to do with everything I was feeling.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: It consumed me, it overtook me, I felt depressed, I felt crazy because, of course, also a lot of the relationships I chose to bring into my life because I didn't feel worthy and because I didn't believe in myself, I didn't understand what was happening.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: But a lot of those relationships gaslit me and told me I was crazy.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: And why would you feel that way?
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: Or how could you feel that way?
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: Or you're feeling, what you're feeling is wrong.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: And so not only did I feel so much, I also innately just thought I was wrong.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: I, as I am, was wrong and I've talked about that before, that toxic shame piece that is so hard and we carry that with us everywhere and the fear of just being wrong for just being.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: I felt that for so much of my life.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: And so, yeah, I used alcohol and I used drugs in college and I used all those things to numb who I actually was, to dull my emotions, so that I could function and feel like I was normal and that I could fit in and that I could show up in party when really what I wanted to do was just like be at home reading a spiritual book or learning astrology or something like that.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: Right, like those were all the conversations that I was really attracted to, and I interviewed Tara Swan on here twice actually, but the very first episode I believe it was.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: I'll link that in the show notes, but I remember we were talking about this, how she went through all of her drinking as well, and, of course, everything serves a purpose in life.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Everything is for a reason in life and I truly believe a lot of times when we drink, it's to numb.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: Like I'm saying, I felt so much that alcohol dulled that down, because when I walk around, I have very intense conversations with people.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: I just I go there, I go deep and I go fast and it's really hard for me to talk about the weather and I'm just like, ah, then in my mind is like I don't even know what to say to you right now.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: But when you are drinking it's easier for you to say things that are on your mind, it's easier to show up and also, because it also numbs the rest of it.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: It's like a fake connection that you have with somebody right, it's like a false intimacy, almost like sex is false intimacy.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: Drinking creates false connection Because we think we're like having this really deep, intense conversation and we may be, but it's like for the moment, it's just for the night, because a lot of times when you meet up with that person the next day, either you're gonna wake up and be like, oh my gosh, I can't believe.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: I said that I would not normally say that or I would not normally do that thing.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: And then also, a lot of times when you like see that person the next day, you're like you feel so deeply connected with them because of this experience.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Then they ignore you and because they're probably going through the same thing.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: So it's just like a whole thing.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, I just used it a lot.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: And then, of course, like over time, it just became like a habit, because we are, we value alcohol in this culture, in our society, in the world right, not just here, it's a lot of places.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: And so then it became, you know, with dinner or just to take the edge off at night or to help sleep and like all these other, all these reasons that we use alcohol, and I had given up alcohol for like three months.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: I think it was in 2021.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: I don't think it was 2020.
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: I think it was 2021.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: And it was fine, it was good.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: I noticed a lot of people stopped talking to me because I wasn't drinking.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: And so then this year, but I just the more I drank, the more my body was fit.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: The more I drank, the more my body I was connecting to it.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: It was telling me this is not for me, like I did not want to feel this one anymore.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: It was making me anxious and all the things.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: So finally, september 27th, 2022, I was like fuck it, I'm done.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: This is it.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: I actually had gotten drunk and texted somebody I was trying so hard to get over and I was like so mad at them.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: I'm like why do you still talk to me?
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: Why do you still show up All these things out of like nowhere?
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: I just blew up on them and I woke up the next morning and I was just like something has to change.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: I'm tired of my emotions.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: I'm tired of feeling like shit.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: I'm tired of feeling this way in my body.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I'm tired of the anxiety.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: I'm tired of not being productive.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: I'm tired of my kids just watching me drink all the time, and it'd just be such a normal thing in our house, because I do believe our kids learn more from watching us, what we do, than what we say.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: So if I'm telling them don't drink and I'm out there getting drunk all the time, of course they're going to drink because what they're being modeled is more important than what I'm saying.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: It's like they do as I say and not as I do.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: But of course we're all going to do what you do, right.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: And so, yeah, september 27th, I woke up the next day after I had sent that text and had that like text fight or whatever.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: It was Just like crying and I was like this I just I'm done.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: And so my initial goal was sober October.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: I was supposed to do sober October and I made it through sober October.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: I detached from everything.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: I didn't go out with anybody, I didn't like nothing.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: I did nothing but go to work and come home and be a mom.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: And so then I was like, ok, I got through October and I was like let me just make it through another month.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: At that point I think it was like a month by month thing.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: And then I was like, well, am I going to drink during the holidays, or should I have a glass of wine?
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: And I was like, all right, let me just get through the holidays.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: In the meantime there's so much discomfort I had stopped dating completely.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: I was like there's no way I can show up dating completely sober, like I felt like I was, like my anxiety was going to be through the roof and I can't remember I think it did have a date around Christmas or it might have been January, and I was nervous and it was awkward.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: But afterwards I was like whoa, like that was wild.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: I felt so empowered because I was just like me.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: I was in my own system.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: I didn't have this alcohol like confusing what I actually wanted, because in the past when I was drinking, you know you would meet somebody who you may not even connect with, but then you're drinking and then you sleep with them and then you're confused because then you have this other connection.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: That's like muddling with the actual connection was like a whole thing.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: But I felt empowered because I went on this date.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: I was completely sober, we went bowling and it was fun and nice, but I also knew like I didn't have that connection I was searching for and the fact that I was not drinking.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: I was actually able to tune into that and be like huh, my body's not like rejecting this person, but I'm not excited either, and the way that I know when something is for me or not.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: So anyway.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: So I got through the holidays and then I don't remember I think I had a few more dates scattered in between.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: There wasn't actively looking or dating or anything like that, but then I started hanging out with people.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: I remember getting mad because people would do things after work and never invite me.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: I remember I freaked out and wanted my co-workers.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: Once I was like I'm still a human, I still want to go out and hang out, invite me out.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: So then I just started being more social and going to more bars.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: In the summer I had more opportunities to go out and I went to bars and things like that when my kids were out of town.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: It was slightly uncomfortable but it was fine.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: I was able to show up as myself.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: So all that to say, this year has been incredibly powerful in just my connection with myself, attuning to my own body, attuning to my system and being able to actually discern.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: And so within this year I've done Manifestation, babe Academy.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: I did an intuitive immersion with Lauren Aletta.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: I feel like I've done so much more than that Healy programs, healy groups, healy mentorship programs, just like so much.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: And then, with Healy not drinking being able to raise my frequency, my vibration, my consciousness and all of these things.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: And so I had a glass of wine and it was fine.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: It was fine, and that was two weeks ago, I think.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: And then in Austin I had a glass of wine with dinner and then we went out to a bar on Sixth Street afterwards and I was like all right, I'll just, I'll have a whiskey and we'll see how I feel.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: I had like two sips of it and immediately, like, my body reacted and I was like, oh, no, like, but it was.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: It's because now I'm so in tune with my body I could discern like, no, my body does not want me to have this, and so I gave the drink away and I didn't feel like any, any like need to find something else to drink, like.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: The bar scene still feels a little bit weird, but I think that is probably just the way I feel in bars, regardless of where I'm drinking or not.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: Maybe I'm just like that's just not my scene anymore and that's totally fine.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: But yeah, I just I noticed my relationship with alcohol.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: I completely shift like I don't crave it, I don't feel like I need it to show up as myself.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: And I think the fact that I was constantly able to show up as myself, sober in my authenticity, has truly showed me like I don't need anything to show up, I don't need anything.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: And when I do and the reason why I even had that glass of wine was not because I wanted to numb, was not because I was going to be social, I literally went to dinner by myself.
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: It was not for any of those reasons, other than the fact that something in me was like you know what?
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: I just like I think it would be a compliment to that experience, like I think it would just feel good.
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: And I'm a 6'3" so I'm always trial and error, I always want to figure things out.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: So I was like, let me just see how I'm going to feel.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: Because there was a part of me that was afraid, like if I open that door, I wasn't going to be able to close it again, right?
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: And so of course logic says, well then, don't open the door.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: If that's like a legitimate fear, don't open the door.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: But me being me, I was like, no, I have to open the door.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: I have to see.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: I've done it before.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: I know I can do it again.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: Right, like I've lived a year without it.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: And I know I can do it again because even when I was pregnant with my kids, like by the end of the pregnancy, I like I think like eight months, like I had a glass of wine here and there, like not like a daily thing by any means, like maybe two glasses of wine, like two, like three ounce glasses of wine or whatever.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: So it's just always been a thing.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: And I quit smoking at 28.
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: I smoked cigarettes for like 13 years, so I quit smoking and I quit drinking alcohol.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: So I'm like I know I could do this.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: I know if I open that door again, I know if it becomes a problem again, I know I can quit again because I've done it before and I know that I don't need it.
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: I'm so empowered within my own system right now that I truly trust myself.
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: And yeah, I just again.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: I just feel like my relationship has completely shifted, has done like completely.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like it controls me because it used to like control my mind, right.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: And I think over the last year, being able to be more empowered, I'm more able to control my mind and my thoughts and maybe not control it is the right word, but being able to witness it rather than believe it, right?
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: So, even if something becomes like a repetitive, obsessive thing, I can sort of like detach a little bit from it and be like, well, that's really interesting, like why, why is that on loop?
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: What subconscious belief is behind that?
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: Do I feel like I'm unworthy?
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: Do I feel like I just can't do something?
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: Like what is it?
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: And then let's pull that through a DI or a meditation or something Right?
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: So it's like I think I just really showed myself like the tools that I have in my abilities and my trust in myself and my love of myself, which is huge.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: And, yeah, it's just been really interesting, especially, you know, the last like couple months.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: I've talked about it.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: I've just been really really low and it's really interesting because I feel like I was thinking about it this morning.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: You know, we always like have the dream, we have the thing that we want, whether it's relationships like I want to be partnered with somebody or I want the career or I want whatever, and when we get those things, it's not the thing that's going to make us feel fulfilled, right.
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: I have talked about it here like I've been dating somebody for a couple months now and that situation is like great, like like I feel like it's yeah, it's just it's going really well, and yet I feel like in other areas of my life I've been so low, but it's like it I don't know it like balances out and it's not like the attainment of that thing makes everything better, because other areas are still like stuck and in in stiff right and in all the things.
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: And so it's the, it's the feeling.
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: That's why everybody always says right.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: Or and I've talked about it like last week, I think it was like what is the feeling that you want right, what is the feeling you want to embody, what is the feeling you want to call in?
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Because that's what we need to be chasing, that's what we need to be giving ourselves.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: And there was like a post on Instagram today about the masculine and the feminine, and I'm tying this into like how we want to feel in.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: I'm tying it into like relationships, how we show up in relationships as an example.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: But it's like how do you it was talking about the woman that has the I'm air, quoting like good guy that treats her like royalty and this and that like?
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: It's not because she's anything exceptional, that you're not right.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: It's because she values herself, she leans into her feminine and we're just talking about the feminine archetype of a woman.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: Because a woman can be more masculine and that's fine, she needs to likely call in a man who is a little bit more on the feminine side so that it has that balance.
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: But the point being is that when we value ourselves, when we know our self worth, when we love ourselves, I've had a lot of shadows around the feminine in my life.
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: I have really embodied more than masculine.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: I used to like when I would dress up or put makeup on, I just felt really like foreign in my own body.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: I never felt feminine.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: And again over the last year I've just been leaning more into that energy and that fluidity and just being like, you know, even with the person that I'm dating, like the situation I've noticed myself and it allows me to reflect on past relationships where I've tried to control the masculine, where I've been like, well, you do this or you do that, and I played it off as like a playful way, right, but there's just was like there's been a couple situations where I could have said something to not criticize but to like guide the masculine.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: But then there was this little voice in me where it was like we shall just let him be him, let the masculine do what the masculine is going to do, and if I can sit here and just be in my feminine and be receptive and be open and have trust, that allows that masculine energy to be more embodied in itself, right.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: And so it's just been like a lot of really interesting lessons lately.
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: And of course, through that, there's been a lot of shadows that have been coming up and I'm sick now.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: So I feel like my body's perching something, it's releasing something, and I know that this is all cyclical, I know that this is all an upgrade because I'm choosing for it to be and Just the things that are coming into my life, the way that I'm feeling.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: I know that the things that I want and I desire and I'm calling in are mind and are mind, not mind, but they're mind, and also I feel oddly detached from them, where it's like Catherine Zekina will say I desire this.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: It's interesting, but I'm okay either way, right, and I think that's the energy that you really have to have with.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: Manifestation is like I want the thing, I like it, but I also know I'm fine, right, and I think that's the energy.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: And I'm just using the example of like the person I'm dating because I feel like I've been in such toxic relationships in my past that this, even though it's just been like a couple months, has been such a huge lesson for me in the way that I'm showing up and the way I want to show up.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: And it's been a huge expander to show me that, like, not everybody's like a mirror, quoting bad, everybody wants to gaslight and manipulate and some people like, actually are okay with communication and things like that.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: But I mean, like using that as an example, because I'm noticing how I'm showing up and I'm showing up with the energy of, yes, I'd like it, I would like it to move somewhere and also I'm fine if it doesn't.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: And that's really interesting because normally when I have feelings for somebody, it is so chaotic.
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: I am like dog paddling, I'm trying to get their attention and it's not to say those shadows haven't come up, because I did notice that this weekend, where there was like a couple moments where I wanted them to almost like guide me and how I should show up and how I should behave, and I felt like a little bit like fluttering when they weren't.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: And then I came back to myself and I was like that's your, that's your wounding, that's your trauma, that's your inner child.
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: That's just like just tell me what to do so that you like me and I was able to pull myself back and be like I can just be me, like I don't need to be anything other than who I am.
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: And if that's not what's wanted in the situation, then I at least know now what's possible and I know that there's somebody out there that will right, obviously, that like none of that happened.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: But that was just like my thought process where that wounding came up and that like scrambling and it was so fast and it was so fast and it was so over, and I could just like relax and be like I'm just me, I'm just going to do and say what I want to do and let that land in the way that lands, because I want this, I desire this.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: It's interesting, it's fun and also I'm okay either way, and that is wild to me because I am a fearful of wind.
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: I am just.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: I come from a lot of like toxic relationships that have really conditioned me in the way that I show up, and so it shows me what's possible.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: It shows me how much I've healed.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: It shows me so much about myself that is so beautiful and I'm just like so much more in love with like who I am right now and that like makes me emotional because I feel like for most of my life like I just didn't like who I was.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: I tried to numb myself with alcohol, I tried to be somebody else, I tried to people please and so to like actually be able to sit here and say that like I truly love the person that like I now get to show up as and that's.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: You know, maybe I would have gotten there without being sober, but I think that was like a huge piece to my journey of me as I am today.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: And I know that even if I have a glass of wine here and there, it doesn't control me, it doesn't mean anything about who I am, it doesn't make me who I am, it doesn't define me.
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: I'm like totally okay with or without it, and that's the energy that I'm bringing right now, that's the energy I'm embodying and I'm just going to carry that with me.
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: So, if this episode resonates with you, share it with a friend you know, subscribe to the podcast Spotify.
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: Just click those five stars it is so helpful.
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: Leave a review and I like, urge you, like, make that your screensaver.
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: Write it down, just remind yourself of that.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: I desire this.
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: And again, this is from Catherine Zanquina.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: This is not for me, but it's like, whatever the thing is like, I desire it, it's interesting and I'm okay either way.
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: So I hope that that was supportive.
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: I hope just sharing my journey of my last year with you is supportive and I think just to know that you, whatever your relationship with alcohol is, it's your relationship with alcohol, it's your journey, it's your path and I think, if you feel called to sobriety, explore it Right.
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: And I think, of course, I think everything in moderation and I also think it's toxic, but I also think that we're human and I also think that, like red wine is grounding and I, you know, it's all the dualities and we're all the dualities and so, yeah, that's my, my episode, that's my recap and I will talk to you next week.
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening and for being in here.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: I love you, bye.