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Why You Can't Admit What You Really Need from Your Spouse · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for April 22, 2026 Why You Can't Admit What You Really Need
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  From Your Spouse I suggested yesterday that not being honest with ourselves
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  about what we need is a common problem.
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  On the surface, it seems like a silly claim. How could we not know what we want?
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  There is actually a lot of evidence supporting my claim.
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  Those who help people looking for romantic relationships say it's common for
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  people to claim they want certain things in a partner, but then repeatedly go
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  after someone who is very different.
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  Those who deal with married couples see people claim to want something,
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  then sabotage getting it, or do things which invite the opposite of what they say they want.
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  Part of this is social expectations.
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  We say we need what we think we're supposed to need. And we tell ourselves we
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  don't need things we do need because we've been told that we shouldn't need them.
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  We fear needing something makes us look weak or shows we have problems.
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  So we seek what won't fill our needs and remain silent about what would fill us.
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  This can lead to trying to get more and more of what's not working thinking
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  that will take care of it We may deny what we need because we think it's not
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  appropriate because of our gender Men who feel they shouldn't need comfort or
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  women who feel they shouldn't need sexual intimacy,
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  We may fear our need shows wrong desires Or perhaps it's just exposing us in
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  a way we don't want to be exposed,
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  Having been denied what we needed in the past is a common issue If we don't
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  ask for what we need then we can't be denied,
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  Perhaps your spouse withheld things from you in the past.
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  But most of the time when this happens, it goes back to being denied by our
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  caregivers when we were young.
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  Maybe you were belittled or even punished for asking for what you needed,
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  and you want to avoid that happening again.
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  Recognizing these old patterns is the first step towards breaking them.
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  What do you need from your spouse to feel loved? If you don't get that, you won't feel loved.
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  If you don't ask for it, you probably won't get it. And if you don't admit yourself
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  you need it, you won't ask for it.
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  But what if what you need is wrong, or too much? Then you need to have a hard
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  discussion with your spouse. Is what you want really wrong, or too much?
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  If so, what healthy thing would fill that need?
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  This is Paul, and you can't do marriage well when you feel empty.