Latest / Long Haul Marriage Roadcast / March 17th, St. Patrick's Day!! (AKA Corban's Day!)

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March 17th, St. Patrick's Day!! (AKA Corban's Day!) · Long Haul Marriage Roadcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's do this thing.
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: Then you ready, Hubank Wow, you want to explain that
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: it's just something we've always said, do this thing.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Wow only shout out to.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: The bubis Tank, the two people that have listened to
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: whub was Stank.
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: So tomorrow, actually, let's let's rephrase that at the release
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: of this episode on the day. It is going to
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: be March seventeenth. So yeah, if you do the math,
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: that means we're recording this on Sunday. We can let's
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: start this this week. Busy week, right.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: It has been a busy week.
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: But so tomorrow, March seventeenth, which is today for people
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: that are just tuning into this episode. The day's released.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: St Patrick's Day. Where You're Green, Yes, where You're green
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: or get pinched? My dad said, page that's a Texas green.
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: So yeah, Saint Patrick's Day. I saw some Saint Patrick's
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: Day on social media celebrations.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: I saw.
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: I guess it was in Louisiana, and obviously they've gotten
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: some storms over the last few days, and it looked
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: like and I don't know if it was because the
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: wind or storms are a compromise building or because there
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: was like thirty college students on a balcony where there
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: probably should have been about five but the whole thing
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: collapsed and there were I think fifteen sixteen injuries.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: My yeah, goodness.
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: People were all standing underneath it as well. I think
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: probably the people who were hurt looked like the ones
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: that were on it on the balcon He probably did okay,
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: he just kind of surfed off as the thing fell
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: on the backs down below.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: Pleasant thing.
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: That was a great start, great start to the EPI
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: do we want to start this over?
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: No, just let it all right, roll with it and can.
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: I give my first hey hey to Zoe ooh yeah,
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: Zoe not Chloe got it. Had a nice work day
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: over here yesterday for the upcoming.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: Wedding, our first ever wedding. We're hosting wedding the Hackneys
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: More Weddings.
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: We will Oh yeah. I've been wanting to do it
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: for a while and it's come together. It's gonna I
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: think it's going to be amazing. It's just so beautiful
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: back there.
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: So yesterday reminded me of like a good old barn
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: raising where you know, all the neighbors and friends and
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: family would come over, so the whole family from the
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: people having in the wedding all came over and helped
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: change from winter to spring. And if y'all you know
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: our gardeners or you like flowers or anything, you can
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: imagine it was beautiful working in the yard.
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: We've had so many down limbs from the storms and
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: we just hauled off a bunch of that stuff. So
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: thank you.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: To planted some lates sas who helped planted lots of flowers. Beautiful.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: So it's a happy place out there right now.
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: It is a very heavy place. Looks good and I
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: can't wait. I heard there's going to be an amazing
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: efficient out there wowing, throwing.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: Down very handsome I've heard as well.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: Throwing down the wedding vibes. Yeah, so we kind of
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: got off. So tomorrow, which is today, so whenever you
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: listen to this, so March seventeenth is, yes, not only
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: Saint Patrick's Day, so where you're green and all that,
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: but it is the twenty sixth anniversary of the loss
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: of our two year old son Corbyn.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: Twenty yeah, isn't that crazy? Twenty six years?
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: It really is. And so I want to you know,
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: our time is gonna fly. I just wanted to talk
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: to you. We just wanted to do this episode in
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: honor of him and talk about just a lot of
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: different things around the loss of someone that you love,
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: and even extend it into just grief in general, because
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: grief is such a huge, huge part of our lives
• 4:31
  Speaker 3: and I don't think most of us don't know how
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: to do it very well, how to grieve very well,
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: especially in our culture. But yeah, let's just talk about it.
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: I mean, how could we know how to do it well.
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: It's just one of those things that nobody wants to do,
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: nobody wants to think about, nobody wants to experience, right,
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: But there's so many different types of grief, not just
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: the loss of a loved one and and you know,
• 4:57
  Speaker 3: the loss of a child, something that's profoundly painful. That
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: the club that we always said, the club that we
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: ever found ourselves would have never wanted to join. But
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: then once you're in one of those clubs, those grief clubs,
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: you realize, Wow, it's not just us. There's a lot
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: of people that are going through again, if not the
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: same thing, that something similar. But pain is pain, and
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: it's real and it's hard because it's our pain. But
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: one of the things that I wanted to talk about
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: before we just get into general grief and pain universal,
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: I wanted to make it personal and talk about our
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: pain and our grief and how we handled it and
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: what we went through. And yes, you've heard kind of
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: the thumbnail of this story, and I mean we went
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: detail in one of our first podcast series about you know,
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: the loss in the aftermath. But I kind of want
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: to talk about really how we've moved beyond that and
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: what life has looked like post grief, and I would
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: say recovering from grief and going through the process and
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: what we've gained on the other side. So so first, babe,
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: just tell me, like how you feel about when that
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: when this time of year comes up, the time of
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: year you know where he passed. You know, the body
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: keeps a score, right, and just how how you feel
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: comes springtime, come March seventeenth every year and it has
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: it changed? Has it gotten better? Has it gotten harder?
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: Is it?
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: Is it mixed bags? Still? Just talk about that.
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: You know this year, which it is kind of a
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: year to your thing. You know, it's not linear, it's
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: you know, some years have been harder where all of
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: a sudden it's kind of starting to turn from winter
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: into spring, and that's such a happy time and I
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: love that time of year. But I felt kind of
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: a deep sadness some years, and I'm like, what, why
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: am I feeling down? You know, And then I kind
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: of stop and think and let myself feel what I'm
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: really feeling, you know, let it kind of bubble up
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: to the surface, and I'm like, ah, my body is
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: remembering that this was an extremely hard time of year.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: Now this year so far, I'm doing okay, you know,
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: but I think I've I've just allowed myself. And whenever
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: I talk to other people about grief, no matter what
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: they're whatever it is they're grieving, my main thing to
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: kind of sit with them is is to just feel
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: what you feel. When you feel it, don't second guess it,
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: don't judge it, you know, just let it be. You know.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: There are years where you're gonna be surprised how great
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: you feel, and you think, wow, if I hadn't really
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: like known that it was March seventeenth, like I had
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: to really like make myself think about it. Then there
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: are other years that you're like just swept over by
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: this wave of grief or sadness or depression or irritability
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: or or whatever it is. And so I think just
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: giving yourself permission, like go easy on yourself, go easy
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: on other people, because it really isn't linear, you know.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: But this year, you know, I feel good, I feel happy,
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: I feel grateful, really grateful for what you know, that
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: experience has brought us, you know, that deep empathy for
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: ourselves and for other people. Honestly, like this year, a
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: couple of times I've thought about, I wonder if there
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: would be a long haul marriage without if there wasn't
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: ever a Corbin, because that experience really kind of just
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: shored up in us a strength and a resolve in
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: our marriage for ourselves and also to help other people.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: You know. The whole statistic, was it eighty five percent
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: of couples after the loss of a child, you know,
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: divorce and so and you know, we've said before on
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: this podcast, we know why we were in that situation,
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: you know, and so to have made it through to
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: the other side, not just made it like we're just struggling.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: We have, but we are. We are to a point
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: where we feel just a strength in our marriage, you know,
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: a love and a respect for each other, you know,
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: on the other side of that. So anyway, this year,
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: I feel great right now, I'll tell you tomorrow, you know,
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: a wave may come and I'll just ride that wave
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: if it does, you know. And what I've learned is
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: whenever I feel that, used to I would just kind
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: of keep it inside and be like, Okay, it's okay,
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: just move past this or whatever. But I've tried to
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: share that with you, like, hey, I'm feeling I'm feeling
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: some type of way, you know, or I'm I'm feeling
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: a sadness, you know. Sometimes it comes after a good yoga,
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: you know, work out outside and I'm laying there and
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, there's a lot
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: of stuff, you know, coming to the surface. And so
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: I've tried to share that with you or with someone
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: you know, but usually it's you, and.
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: Well, I love too. The way you've actually through the
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: years reminded me of certain things, like almost like I've
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: blocked it out or didn't want to think about it
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: and never thought I was doing that, but just you know,
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: kind of compartmentalize it and you move on, you know me,
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: I just move forward. And the way you would be
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: thinking about what how old he would be while he
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: would be doing and you would you would just think
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: about that and helped me, you know, help. And I
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: don't know if that's the woman, the nurture, the mom,
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: or just the human being that you are, but help
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: connect me with some of those emotions that I needed
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: to connect to. And it's always been it's always been
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: good for me to see that through your eyes, and
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: just it just helped me, you know, just again, Uh,
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: and I say this a lot with couples. This just
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: goes beyond talking about grief. But when you when you
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: remember the stories, uh, the the the life, the history
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: that your spouse has gone through. And yes we shared that,
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: but that it wasn't just you know Brian and Jamie.
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: There was a Jamie and there was a mom and
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: and and it's just it helps you have compassion for
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: that person. It's just the empathy and the compassion and
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: helps you remember that they're a human being who you know,
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: like you said before, man go easy. Everybody's going through
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: a struggle, right, everybody's fighting a hard battle in the
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: words of a lot of different authors. You know that
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: John Pavlovich story about that, But yeah, I think that's
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: been helpful for me to look through the years just
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: hear you talk about things and even remind me like
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: that the date's coming up, either his birthday or you know, yeah, yeah, yeah,
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: his death day.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So I don't know if this is a good
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: time to ask this, but I'd love for you just
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: to share as a dad, you know, how did you
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: I mean, if you can go back, which I know
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: you can, you know, pull back the files twenty you know,
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: six years ago, how did that feel? As a dad? Okay,
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: let me grab the tissues.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: So crazy.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: How you can go years and years and years and
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: you can talk about it. In some days there's yeah,
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: you know, always the tenderness, but just the kind of
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: the matter of fact, and then the days where you
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: allow yourself to go there and just to feel it
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: all over again. And yeah, today's one of those days.
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: I let myself feel it. And it's interesting. I think
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: we're gonna we just talked about an episode we want
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: to do and I'm not going to do any spoiler alert,
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: but just just preparing mentally for that episode about what
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: men are facing in today's culture, not just men my age,
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: but you know, young men and then boys, right, But
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: part of what I felt was it was almost like
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: I had failed somehow, which it's interesting the shame that
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: I took on, like I was supposed to protect you
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: from ever going through some kind of hurt, and I
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: watched you hurt so bad, and I was hurting obviously,
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: but there was something in me that felt like, dang it,
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: I should have done something, something, anything, so that this
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: didn't happen and you didn't have to go through that.
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: So just that feeling of impotence, like I had no power,
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: no control over that at all, which was, you know,
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: in the long run, obviously very humbling and just such
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: an incredible lesson, a hard way to learn a lesson.
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: And I'm not saying God was teaching me that lesson.
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: It was just something that we all it's this illusion
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: that we have any kind of control, but it was
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: just that, you know, learning to accept things and take
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: what comes. But it was it was this weird deal
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: as a father that I just had to watch my
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: family go through this, and obviously there was nothing we
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: could do have done to avoid right this terminal disease
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: and and what eventually what eventually took his life. But
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: so that was an odd thing that I experienced. But
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: to be honest, I didn't really want to talk about that.
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: And that's why I love, you know, mentioning that now,
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: because I think it's a weird deal. So if any
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: man feels like they something that was out of the
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: control but somehow they should have protected their family from that,
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: that's a burden they don't need to carry. That's a
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: burden I believe God wants you to to heal from.
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: And but yeah, that and that, and that's not everyone's experience,
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: but shame, it was such a base line of my
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: identity growing up. You know, had to be perfect, so
• 15:53
  Speaker 3: things like that don't happen right to perfect people. That
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: those things happened to someone else. So that's just an
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: interesting thing that came out for me. Yeah, just knowing
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: that that I was hurting. But I felt like, man,
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: I've got a five year old and a you know,
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: a three year old. I've got I've got a wife here.
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: You know, I've got to we've got to keep the
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: keep the lights on, man, and keep the bills paid.
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: So just kind of that powering through and and so
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: that that determination that man just grin and bear it,
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: and maybe no grinning, but just the grit man, I
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: got to come through. And so you know, there's a
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: part of that's as helpful, and then the part of
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: that that's not doing us any favors at all, because
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: that powering through doesn't allow you to feel it. And
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: you know, you and I, as much as we've talked
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: about grief and learning how to grieve, and you know,
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: you can't heal what you don't feel and all the
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: stages of grief and all the work that I've tried
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: to because I can connect and I can relate to
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: people going through there's times where I'll look today it's
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: still like did I grieve? Did I agree? Do I
• 17:03
  Speaker 3: know how to grieve? Did I grieve the loss of
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: my mom? There was just so much that was happening
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: all at once, from my mom to Corbin to Bart,
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: you know, to Donn and gane.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: L and uh.
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: And I know that's the that's everyone, right, that's that's
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: our experience, but it's also everyone's experience. But yeah, you do, Yeah,
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: you do the best you can. And I think when
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: there's a when there's a loss like that and a sadness,
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: a deep sadness, and if it's left unhealed, you know,
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: we We've talked before about where anger comes from. And
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: many times there's fear, especially for men, and then there's shame,
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: and then there's also like latent grief and a sadness
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: and so boom strike three baby. I had them all right,
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: and so that's how it manifested in me.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I've appreciated even I would say, gosh, this
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: this probably last six months, I've noticed you talk about
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: it more, mention it more like I just babe. I
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: just keep thinking did I grieve it?
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: Well?
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: Like did I do? I still have some crap in
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: there that's just festering, you know, means that means take
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: the question mark away, that is yes. But you know
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: you would think, like twenty six years later, like good
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: grief and they do what they do and help people,
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: like you know, they've worked through everything, and it still
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: does hit you. And so as you've been I think,
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: you know, man enough, if you want to say that,
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: say it that way, but brave enough, had the had
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: had enough courage to say, I wonder, I wonder if
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: there's more in there? You know, that's a really brave thing.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: Like those are you know, waters you don't want to
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: go back into you know that's like, okay, just put
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: the lid on that, put it up on a high
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: shelf and call it a day and move on. And
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: you're like, maybe we should take that off and take
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: the lid off of that jar and just see, you know, investigate,
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: be curious about that, because I think there's just so
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: much more healing to come if you, you know, if
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: you let it. I think I think all of us
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: may have some you know, a little bit of residual
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: down in there, and so I think just you admitting
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: that gives all of us permission. All the people listening today.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: You know, you may have you know, gone through a
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: divorce fifteen years ago and you're like, man, that's in
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: the past, you know, or or you know, you aren't
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: talking to your grown son and that's been a ears
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: and you're like, we've moved on. Who, you know, it's whatever.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: Whatever the grief is. You lost a business, you you know,
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: you know, you lost a child or a parent, or
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: a sister or a friend, and you had to you know, grit,
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: you know, grin and barrett and move on through it,
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: you know, And now you're like, wait, is there more?
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: I do think that's such a worthy question. To ask,
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: and so I love that you have kind of begun
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: that investigative work again.
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I've had good friends through the years say yeah,
• 20:34
  Speaker 3: there's more, there's more on that corb and stuff. You know,
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: there's more and and and and it always you know,
• 20:39
  Speaker 3: I could say in the early days that kind of
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: haunted me.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: It's like a man, is there is.
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: There that whole? And and lately it's one of those things, Man,
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: where what is it? How do I access it? You know,
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: and you know, trying everything you know in your power
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: to get in touch with if there's you know, quote
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: anything more were there. But yeah, it's it's uh, you know,
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: thank you God. And I always say, with no judgment
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: at all, man, we give grace because however anyone has
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: to go through that, and the people who end up
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: medicating using you know, all the different types of medication
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: we don't have to name, but you know, thank God
• 21:20
  Speaker 3: that we did not end up becoming addicts of you know,
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: using drugs, alcohol or any whatever else to to medicate that.
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: But use something right and and off and on and
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: with me and my personality, you know.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: Uh, but yeah, it's just.
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: Allowing God to bring that whatever needs to be healed.
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: You know one of my affirmations my body is the
• 21:45
  Speaker 3: temple of the Holy Spirit, and any symptom speaking to
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: me about any area out of alignment will be given
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: immediate attention, and divine healing will bring me back into
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: complete health and wellness. So anytime I feel the symptoms right,
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: which are just profits speaking to you about some area
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: that needs attention, I try to listen, and I try
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: to be very aware of that. And so going back
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: to what you said, not just with me about something
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: like this, it's out of your control. I mean, men,
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: we feel responsible many many times, and we have regret,
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: and we don't want admit that regret or man, I
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: could have done better. You talked about the relationship with
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: your adult children or whatever. It's hard enough to admit man,
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: I blew it right, and we have to learn to
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: do that. So we can't heal and get rid of
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: shame and get rid of regret. But what I've uncovered,
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: there's many times it's this stuff that's beyond our control.
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: There's things that a lot of men feel responsible for,
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: just that whole provider thing, protector. It's just this weird
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: thing that we had no control over. But somehow I
• 22:58
  Speaker 3: feel like a failure because my fa family had to
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: go through you know, the tornado that blew through and
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: that leveled your house. And for me, when something breaks
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: that shouldn't have broken. Now my wife is having a
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: you know, hassle with the dryer or the dishwasher like
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: that should have been. That's on me, and it's so
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: that's that's an interesting thing. I think there's there's a
• 23:18
  Speaker 3: weight that men carry. And again, yes, I I we
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: talked about it. Yes, women carry a lot of the
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: way we talked the last time about that. What was
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: it called the emotional load that they feel like they carry,
• 23:30
  Speaker 3: the mental load, uh, for the entire household and the
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: kids and all the responsibilities that fall that that sometimes
• 23:38
  Speaker 3: make her resent men because they're not carrying their weight,
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: and they don't want to have sex with them because
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: you know, they lost respect for their husband. But it
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: is it's as we talk about grief, there's just so
• 23:49
  Speaker 3: much that I think men carry that that is unspoken
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: and of course women will talk about it, they'll share
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: with their friends.
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: Men will not get isolate push it down. That's why
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: I think this is so important just for your you know,
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: your voice to be heard and you're you know, the
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: way that you're vulnerable and open and just you're able
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: to admit that, you know. I just I think that's
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: so good and so helpful. I think this will be
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: really helpful for a lot of a lot of people,
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: a lot of men and women, you know. I just
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: think if we can spend time being curious about our spouse,
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: we talk about that a lot, you know, but it's
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: hard for me to understand that if you aren't open
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: about that. But you've been open saying this is how
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: it affected me, you know, because I see you as
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: that You've got that strong, strong provider protector gene in you,
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: you know, and so but I don't think I would
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: have ever connected the dots like, oh, I bet he
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: felt this type of way. You know, I get what
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: a of number one. I'm just trying to make it
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: through my own self, you know, my own grief, and
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: but then just.
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: Are dogs, they're going crazy.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: But I just think it would be hard to connect
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: those dots and to realize like, that's how it made
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: you feel, you know. So I appreciate you being honest
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: and open.
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: May have to well, yeah, I may have to edit
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: this out that's pretty bad. Contractor in the front yard
• 25:31
  Speaker 3: and dogs going nuts? Are they pulled up in our driveway? Okay, everybody,
• 25:35
  Speaker 3: we're back. So today I was listening to there's an
• 25:41
  Speaker 3: incredible podcast called the Telepathy Tapes. Yeah You're Welcome and
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: the on the latest the talk tracks they have while
• 25:51
  Speaker 3: they're on a break from getting ready for season two
• 25:53
  Speaker 3: and documentary. It's an incredible episode. But as I was
• 25:57
  Speaker 3: listening to that, I was taken back to some of
• 25:59
  Speaker 3: the early years right after Corbyn passed, even even actually
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: before he was born, and during his life some things
• 26:07
  Speaker 3: that I would call, you know, I mean nothing short
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: of supernatural, like God's bending over backwards to get my
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: attention to show me he was involved in that entire process,
• 26:18
  Speaker 3: and you kind of move on and forget about that.
• 26:20
  Speaker 3: And I was just reminded again about that and how
• 26:23
  Speaker 3: like like unbelievable was and sometimes I think we oh, yeah,
• 26:28
  Speaker 3: there we go, we do have a contractor there yeah, yeah, yeah, anyway,
• 26:35
  Speaker 3: I figure so so and so many times some of
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: the most important, significant like deep times of intimacy with God,
• 26:47
  Speaker 3: they were also in some of the hardest and some
• 26:49
  Speaker 3: of the most painful. So it's like we kind of
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: want to run from that.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: It's like ugh.
• 26:54
  Speaker 3: Just so, so even though it's this beautiful, amazing time
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: of growth with God and like unbelievable, there's also that pain.
• 27:01
  Speaker 3: It's like yuck, let me go out and have some
• 27:03
  Speaker 3: blue skies and yeah, you know, listen to some good music.
• 27:06
  Speaker 3: Can not be reminded of that heaviness, right, So that's
• 27:09
  Speaker 3: why sometimes it's hard to even go back there and
• 27:13
  Speaker 3: remember and feel some of that stuff. But when I
• 27:16
  Speaker 3: do get reminded of it, it's just such a sweet, sweet.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: Thing that's just like wow, man, God.
• 27:23
  Speaker 3: And so like I always tell people, you don't have
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: to go back to a you know, twenty six year
• 27:28
  Speaker 3: old worship. Well, right, his mercies are new every morning,
• 27:32
  Speaker 3: Like God is here now. He's wanting to be quote supernatural, right,
• 27:37
  Speaker 3: everything is supernatural. He's wanted you to open your eyes
• 27:40
  Speaker 3: and to feel and experience his presence. But so many
• 27:43
  Speaker 3: times it's just in those profoundly dark nights of the
• 27:47
  Speaker 3: soul and painful times and the suffering where we feel
• 27:52
  Speaker 3: the intense love and grace of God.
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: And so much of that I think is through other people.
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: You know, We've talked about that so much you would think.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: I mean, I can barely remember what I had for
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: breakfast yesterday, but I can very clearly remember back twenty
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: six years ago. Just the kindness of friends and strangers.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: But you know, friends that would come over and clean
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: our house or take our kids to you know, McDonald's
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: or you know, I mean, I don't know even know
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: how many happy meals they had during that time, but
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: just friends that would come and take our kids for us,
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: you know, while we spent days on end at the
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: hospital with Corbin, or even after, you know, after he died,
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: just you know, that feeling of like overwhelm and depression
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: and just being you know, just stuck. And friends would
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: come over and you know, help clean. They come clean
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: our bathrooms or come clean out drawers for us if
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: we ask them to, or you know, run errands for us.
• 29:03
  Speaker 3: And speaking of thoughtful friends. Oh yeah, So every single year,
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: either on March seventeenth or maybe the eighteen, tell.
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: What, so we get a text from a sweet friend.
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: So for for twenty five years now she has texted
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: and said I have a special you know, something to
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: give you and I got a little something sweet or
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: you know, however she wants to text thinking of you
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: all today. I've got a little something for you and
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: we'll meet up or she'll bring it over. And it
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: is the most delicious chocolate delight dessert, the kind that
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: you would have growing up at like pot luck if
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: y'all know what those are, but with that yummy crust
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: with pecans, and then a layer of like that cream
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: cheese powdered sugar whipped cream or crust, and then that
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: layer of like chocolate pudding and then cool whip on
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: the top and then nuts on the top of that.
• 30:01
  Speaker 3: Okay, you have when there's like twenty people, it's gone, right,
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: And the fact that we don't have twenty people here,
• 30:08
  Speaker 3: the fact that's you and I now and.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: It's still gone. It's crazy. Yeah, good, that is so
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: thank you great friends.
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: Every single year, you know, when you think, okay, maybe
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: she would just do it for the first two years,
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: and you're like, wow, it's the third year, and she
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: texted again, fourth, fifth, sixth, twelfth, thirteenth, twentieth, twenty, second, twenty.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: Fourth, it's so over.
• 30:34
  Speaker 3: The commitment over and she made a commitment and said
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: I'm doing this and it's just been there's something about
• 30:42
  Speaker 3: through the years, Yes, yes, yes, but it's just so impactful.
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: It just I don't know, when there's someone that's that
• 30:50
  Speaker 3: committed to like your life, to your healing, to your
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: the memory of your son, it makes you want to
• 30:56
  Speaker 3: commit to things in a more powerful way, in a
• 31:00
  Speaker 3: more consistent way. Yeah, yeah, it's yeah. Well one thing
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: too that when you look through the years, you know,
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: it's that those painful early years and then people talk about,
• 31:16
  Speaker 3: you know, the further away does it does it? You know,
• 31:18
  Speaker 3: just time heal And I would say no, time doesn't heal.
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: Times just more time to hurt, times, more time to
• 31:23
  Speaker 3: be sick, healing heels and so grieving heels. You have
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: to learn how to grieve and to do it well.
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: And I probably said that verbatim and you know previous podcasts,
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: because it's just the way it goes. And so it's
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: learning how to do that and having that community, that
• 31:38
  Speaker 3: that close friend or close friends who you can go
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: there and open up and talk about these things with
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: so that you can experience them and and not to
• 31:47
  Speaker 3: block them away, not to hide them away. You know,
• 31:50
  Speaker 3: people talk about closure. We've talked about before what a
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: stupid term that is. And and how about keeping it
• 31:56
  Speaker 3: open and so we can have that memorial, you know,
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: plant the tree, have the cardinal, have whatever it is
• 32:03
  Speaker 3: that reminds you frequently of that that person, the loss,
• 32:08
  Speaker 3: the love, the life. But one of the things that yes,
• 32:12
  Speaker 3: it's you say, bittersweet, and it becomes more sweet as
• 32:15
  Speaker 3: the years go and it's fond memories and it doesn't
• 32:18
  Speaker 3: hurt as bad. I think for me, it's just gratitude.
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: When you've gone through something.
• 32:24
  Speaker 3: So I think in some of the early years there
• 32:26
  Speaker 3: was almost like a fear or a dread, like man
• 32:29
  Speaker 3: that could happen again, because we know, we know it
• 32:32
  Speaker 3: can happen to us, and so it's that oh my gosh,
• 32:36
  Speaker 3: like please God. And now it's not that it's not
• 32:40
  Speaker 3: a constant fear or dread. It's just a thankfulness, just
• 32:43
  Speaker 3: a gratefulness because yeah, it could happen anytime, but man,
• 32:46
  Speaker 3: we are thank you God. It just makes us so
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: so grateful and so yeah, that's so part of our
• 32:54
  Speaker 3: life I feel like has just been such gratitude. So
• 32:59
  Speaker 3: one of the things, Jane, you are a woman of joy.
• 33:02
  Speaker 3: You just are filled with joy. So what do you
• 33:04
  Speaker 3: think you know, it's not just surviving, but the thriving.
• 33:08
  Speaker 3: What do you attribute that to? I mean, yes, it's God,
• 33:11
  Speaker 3: it's the power of grace and the Lord in your life.
• 33:13
  Speaker 3: But like, what are some of the practices that keep
• 33:17
  Speaker 3: you like fundamentally connected to joy.
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: That's a great question, you know. I think I think
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: part of it is, like I don't know if it's
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: naturally I'm more of or you know, more of an
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: optimistic kind of half full glass kind of girl. But really,
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: when when you're hit with something that that big, that heavy,
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: you know it's going to take more than just oh well,
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: just naturally I'm optimistic, you know, positive kind of girl.
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: I mean that that knocked me on my rear for
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: a while, you know, but I think what you know,
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: what helped me kind of bounce back. I mean it
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: took a while, you know, to kind of work through
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: and to feel all of that, you know, work through
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: that depression and you know, go to counseling, take meds
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: when I needed to take meds or whatever. But you know,
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: just I think every single day I try to go
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: back to center, like where you know, where am I
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: in this moment just now doing yoga outside on this
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: beautiful day. We had to do some kind of shaky
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: moves that she had us do with and then she
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: then she said, okay, go back and find your center
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: and just kind of take you know, just kind of
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: move for a second on your map and find your center.
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: And I just thought that. I thought, you know what,
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: that is something in my life that I try to
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: do every single day is go back to center because
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: I can be I always picture myself where I can
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: actually normally be, you know, like those thing those marketing
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: things that people blow up in front of car dealerships
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: and front they're trying to get your attention, and it's
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: that little man just waving around in the wind like
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: a crazy person. It has that crazy wild hair and
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: just blowing around. That's how I naturally could be just
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: moving from this to that to this person to you
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: know whatever. And so I really have to be intentional
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: about coming back to center and just being still and
• 35:29
  Speaker 2: being quiet and saying, you know, God give me peace,
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: power and perspective for today. And so if I'm not careful,
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: I will just be you know, medicating into oblivion with
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: you know, distractions and busyness, you know, and it all
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: may look good and look like, oh, she just helps people,
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: you know, but I'm not centered down and so I
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: have to really try every single day. And so I
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: try to do that every single morning. That's a whole
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: other episode about my little miracle morning.
• 36:05
  Speaker 3: But that would be a good that'd be great something.
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: Every single day that will bring me back to center
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: and say, Spirit, will you bring me peace, power and perspective.
• 36:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think those who've been, you know,
• 36:20
  Speaker 3: forgiven much, love much. Those who have lost much, love
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: much and are grateful much. It's just so so cool.
• 36:27
  Speaker 3: And so we grieve, but not without hope. First Thessalonius five.
• 36:31
  Speaker 3: You know, I speak at a lot of memorial services,
• 36:33
  Speaker 3: and we don't believe it's goodbye. It's just so long
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: we will see them again. And so if you're grieving
• 36:39
  Speaker 3: anyone out there, whoever it is that you're raising a
• 36:42
  Speaker 3: glass to or celebrating, whether it's March seventeenth or whatevery
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: day it is, just say a little prayer for us
• 36:48
  Speaker 3: tomorrow or today whenever you hear this, if you've already,
• 36:52
  Speaker 3: if it's if it's you know, after Monday, then you
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: know I was going to say, come by and have
• 36:59
  Speaker 3: your piece of you.
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: May it may be gone. So so Texas first, but but.
• 37:04
  Speaker 3: No, as you're as you're remembering that, just hey, drop
• 37:08
  Speaker 3: it in the comments if you if you're celebrating someone
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: and you have a fond memory that you want to
• 37:13
  Speaker 3: celebrate and that you want this to become more of
• 37:17
  Speaker 3: a time of celebration and of light and not so
• 37:20
  Speaker 3: much the darkness and the pain uh that goes along
• 37:23
  Speaker 3: with that, just just drop in the comment and let
• 37:25
  Speaker 3: us know because we'd love to be honoring that person
• 37:29
  Speaker 3: along with Corbyn. So man, we love you guys, and yeah,
• 37:34
  Speaker 3: we look forward to hearing from you and we'll see
• 37:37
  Speaker 3: on the next one.
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: Happy St Patrick's Say and happy corby day. Love you guys,
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: le Mans