Latest / Free & Well: Stop Overthinking, Feel Confident AF & Start Living Your Live Using Psychology, Faith & Nervous System Habits / 305 | What Happened When I Stopped Trying to Get New Friends to Like Me

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305 | What Happened When I Stopped Trying to Get New Friends to Like Me · Free & Well: Stop Overthinking, Feel Confident AF & Start Living Your Live Using Psychology, Faith & Nervous System Habits

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, love, what is up?
• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the free mobile podcast.
• 0:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am so glad you're here.
• 0:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: So today we're gonna be talking about why, why we do not wanna be filtering ourselves when we are first getting to know people.
• 0:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm going to specifically be sharing why I don't do this anymore because I actually realized it is such a disservice.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: such a disservice.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, when I used to make friends, okay, so thinking about dev, you know, maybe five, ten years ago, when I used to make new friends, I would come in with this very soft, kind, gentle, warm energy, which part of that is genuinely me, like I genuinely am a lot of those things.
• 0:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And though, I would come in with almost this like
• 0:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I would go along with what the other person was saying if they shared an opinion or a thought on something, a take on something and interest and something, I would just kind of chameleon and I would either agree or I would keep it neutral.
• 1:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I had a thought that was very different, I would not share that.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would keep myself very palatable because I was prioritizing,
• 1:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want them to like me, which is not bad, right?
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're all human.
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Of course, we want to be like, we're meant to be in community, to have friends, to live in community, and that is so natural, and that's okay.
• 1:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: But that was what I was prioritizing.
• 1:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Was I want to be liked?
• 1:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want this person to like me.
• 1:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want this person to have a positive opinion of me.
• 1:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: That was what I was prioritizing and valuing.
• 1:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: over everything else.
• 1:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what I learned over time, what this ended up looking like when I was filtering myself in that way, when I was, I'm gonna say, chameleonine, I wish that was an easier word, but I'm gonna roll with it.
• 2:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Chameleonine.
• 2:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: when I was doing that.
• 2:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: What would end up happening weeks later, months later, is I would notice that in these friendships where I started out that way, I then had to, I was maintaining that because I had started out very palatable, very vanilla, not super opinionated.
• 2:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey friend, welcome to the Free Well Podcast.
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're tired of feeling anxious and all the overthinking, if you're ready to feel more calm and confident to start trying new things and being more of your true authentic self, this is the podcast for you.
• 2:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: My name is Devani, I'm an anxiety therapist, confidence coach and yoga teacher.
• 3:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm here to help you who's faith yoga and mental wellness to create daily healthy habits, start feeling more confident in your own skin and creating your best life.
• 3:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Grab your ice coffee in your journal.
• 3:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's go.
• 3:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I then needed to maintain that, right?
• 3:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I felt like, okay, well, now I'm in this friendship where I kind of have to maintain these, like, how I've been showing up this whole time.
• 3:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm feeling nervous to actually be my genuine self, to let my genuine self out because I hadn't yet.
• 3:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I found myself really filtering what I was saying, how I was showing up, who I was being.
• 3:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I ended up realizing, like, uh, I actually am not having a lot of fun.
• 4:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am not having a lot of fun and finding a lot of value in spending time in this dynamic.
• 4:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can we be honest?
• 4:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I was filtering myself and not showing up genuinely and authentically, I would find myself not enjoying spending time in these dynamics.
• 4:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I do want to say it is not even anything negative or bad at all about the other people because it's almost unfair or I'm actually going to say it is unfair because I wasn't even really giving these people an opportunity to see the genuine me to see the real weird quirky loud funny right all those I wasn't even giving that a chance.
• 4:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what I started to practice over time is this mindset and this approach.
• 5:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I am making new connections, when I am building relationships, when I am making friends.
• 5:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: that I just, I don't filter myself from the get go.
• 5:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have decided, people get the real revenue from day one.
• 5:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're gonna get the real me from day one.
• 5:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, might I be like, of course I still have boundaries, right?
• 5:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not gonna share my entire life story day one.
• 5:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: However,
• 5:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: What I'm saying is my personality and who I am, I'm going to show up very genuinely from day one.
• 5:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And here's the fruit of that, okay, you ready?
• 5:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's the fruit, here are the benefits of shifting into this mindset of from day one that I meet people, I am just going to be myself.
• 5:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, ready?
• 5:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, it preserves my time in my energy.
• 5:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I cannot even, my sweet friend, tell you how much energy I wasted trying to chameleon myself.
• 6:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is one of the biggest waste of energy.
• 6:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if we can be so honest, the devil loves that.
• 6:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: The devil loves that.
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: The devil loves.
• 6:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we are wasting our precious
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: finite energy that is limited on how can I chameleon and morph and make myself more palatable and make myself likable and does this person like me and what did they think and like I spent so much time and energy on that and it was such a waste of my energy that I could have been investing in literally anything else more productive and more purposeful.
• 6:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: anything else.
• 6:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: So number one is a fruit of shifting into this mindset of, I'm just me from day one with people is it preserves your time, it preserves your energy, which is limited, which is finite, which is sacred.
• 7:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your energy, your time, your life, like it is sacred.
• 7:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: it is a limited resource and we need to be fiercely protective over what we are spending our time in our energy on.
• 7:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, number two,
• 7:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: when I was self abandoning because that's really what it was.
• 7:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I was self abandoning it was reinforcing the insecurities that I had because if I felt insecure about being myself and then I take that action where I hide who I am or I keep these filters on these masks on things like that, it's just totally reinforcing that there's something wrong with me.
• 7:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: or that I'm not good enough just as I am.
• 7:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that I can't be myself that it's not safe or that it's not okay to just be who I am.
• 8:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am actively or I was actively reinforcing that through those behaviors.
• 8:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Versus when we then start to shift into, I'm just gonna be myself from day one.
• 8:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because I'm enough, it's okay.
• 8:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm safe to be myself, it's good to be myself, it's freeing to be myself, it is liberating, it is actually the healthiest thing we can do, is to be ourselves, that is the healthiest thing we can do to be ourselves, is showing ourselves that we care.
• 8:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: about how we feel.
• 8:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: We care about honoring our gifts, our strengths, our personality, that's an act of self-love.
• 8:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is an act and I will say a radical act of self-love and self-care, taking literal care of yourself by letting yourself just be who you are.
• 8:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is a radical act of self-love, taking care of yourself,
• 9:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: and you are affirming that who you are is enough.
• 9:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't need to change who you are.
• 9:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You do not need to change who you are.
• 9:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are affirming that through your actions.
• 9:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are reinforcing that through your actions.
• 9:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the number three, the third final really big fruit.
• 9:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, there's a million fruit of this choice.
• 9:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: However,
• 9:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number three that we're gonna hone in on is that it gives you more energy and more time to be in your purpose if you imagine shifting into
• 9:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: this idea of, I'm just me from day one, I'm just me from day one.
• 9:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's just who I am, it's how I show up in the world.
• 9:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: I went to coffee earlier, I found this local coffee shop that I love, and I think some of the girls are actually starting to remember me, which feels so exciting to like have a spot, you know?
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I go in and I ask the breeze to add one of my favorite things, is I love at restaurants or coffee shops to ask the people who work.
• 10:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're like, what is your favorite thing right now?
• 10:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I worked at Starbucks, when I worked at restaurants throughout college, because I waited tables throughout college.
• 10:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, they know what's up.
• 10:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: They know, they have amazing, like, modifications and variations of things.
• 10:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: They know the best things on the menu.
• 10:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I went in and I asked, well, was the most delicious thing.
• 10:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we just had a lovely chat about it.
• 10:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I tried it.
• 10:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I told, oh, my gosh.
• 10:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it was a phenomenal recommendation.
• 10:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm drinking right now.
• 10:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a phenomenal latte.
• 10:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's like salt and honey and citrus.
• 10:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I never would have ordered that.
• 10:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: But anyway,
• 10:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Back on track, back on track dev.
• 10:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, the purpose of this, the fruit, the fruit of this is when we are just ourselves from day one, okay?
• 10:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we are ourselves from day one, that's just how we move through the world.
• 11:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: It just allows us to be in purpose.
• 11:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: It allows us to be in our purpose.
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: more often, more boldly, more confidently, with more energy, with more time.
• 11:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: It allows you to be in purpose.
• 11:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that is honestly one of the biggest reasons why I talk about everything that I talk about.
• 11:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, yes, I want you to feel confident just so that you feel confident in yourself because I think it's a much more enjoyable existence.
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is so much more fun to live when you feel confident in yourself.
• 11:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: But what I will also say is the root underneath that why I deeply believe that God has me on mission for this and trying to help you grow in your confidence is literally to equip the next generation of women, right?
• 11:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Young women who are growing up.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: to feel so confident in who they are and what they believe the values that they have, what they're here to do, who they're here to impact, that they stand up, they speak up, they're bold, they're confident, right?
• 12:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like that is what I'm here to help with.
• 12:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is what I'm here to cultivate.
• 12:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I feel that in the deepest parts of my spirit in my bones, like,
• 12:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: that is what I'm here for.
• 12:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when we are more confident and we are just ourselves, we're not wasting energy on filtering ourselves, trying to be liked.
• 12:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is this person think?
• 12:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: You just get to be yourself and then be in purpose.
• 12:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, how can I impact people today?
• 12:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: How can I love on other people today?
• 12:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: How can I be a source of light and love and well being in the world today versus
• 12:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: all of the other internal struggles that come up when we are focused on being liked and on other people's opinions.
• 12:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: The fourth one I'm going to share with you and this one is also huge is that when we are just ourselves from day one with people it really quickly allows you to see if this person is actually for you and it also gives the other person a chance to decide that as well, which is huge.
• 13:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, if I'm just myself, like I had a friend the other day with a new friend, and I was just myself, and
• 13:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: It literally just allows people so much more quickly to know if they like me.
• 13:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: If they like me, if they want to be friends with me, if they want to hang out again, and it also allows me to see that, right?
• 13:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I genuinely just be myself, if we vibe, because that's all I'm available for, is I just want to spend time with people if genuinely, if they're like,
• 13:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: healthy kind loving positive people that want to go out and enjoy the world and have fun and support each other like so I want people to know those things about me very quickly so they can decide if that's for them right my personality and who I am and what I believe in and all the things and also I can see if we vibe naturally.
• 14:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I'm hiding myself and filtering myself, I can't actually see if I genuinely vibe with someone.
• 14:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because I'm not letting myself actually see what my natural personality like is with them.
• 14:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: like it's hard to actually see unless you are being yourself, right?
• 14:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it gives you the opportunity to see does this person vibe with me and do I vibe with this person?
• 14:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: And those are amazing beautiful questions to ask because for me, I would rather go on one friend day and be so myself and for it to be so epically awkward.
• 14:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then to know that that's just not one of my people, that's okay.
• 14:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'd rather know that immediately than, I mean, this is maybe there's just three, then spend three friend dates, three Saturday mornings, three Thursday evenings, I don't want to do that.
• 15:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I would rather know more quickly if, you know, and it just gives you that piece.
• 15:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: It gives you that ability to see if there's a connection there.
• 15:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: more quickly.
• 15:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: So just so many beautiful fruits of shifting into this mindset of, I am just me.
• 15:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am just me from day one.
• 15:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And again, because I feel like I have to clarify.
• 15:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am not saying that I have no boundaries.
• 15:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I definitely have boundaries, things that I keep private, things that I
• 15:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Share with new people, right?
• 15:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's not what I'm saying.
• 15:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm saying my like my personality My weird my quirks my like sometimes I'm pretty loud and boy stress and I'm right like I let those things out So honor boundaries not saying that but these are the beautiful fruits of why
• 15:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: just being yourself.
• 15:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just letting yourself be you from day one, versus filtering these are the fruits of that.
• 16:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: These are the benefits.
• 16:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if anywhere you have been needing some support and like, oh my gosh, I'm so ready to make this shift, but I feel really nervous because it's totally nerve-racking.
• 16:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's totally nerve-racking and it's taking me a long time to get to this space of actually feeling this way, very genuinely and even still I have little moments of feeling nervous and I catch it and I move through it.
• 16:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Beautiful fruit.
• 16:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: These are the beautiful fruits of just being you from day one, not filtering, not hiding, not communicating, not doing that.
• 16:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: these are the benefits of that.
• 16:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: They serve you, they serve other people, it is so beautiful.
• 16:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what I love, love, love to hear from you my friend.
• 16:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would love for you to head over to Instagram and send me a DM of which one of these stood out to you, which one of these stood out to you.
• 16:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would love to know just send me a DM.
• 16:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: And also, if you find yourself in the middle of the day, feeling overwhelmed, feeling stressed and you need a short little breathing practice, please head below and grab my four minute reset.
• 17:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's my go-to practice that I guide clients through, a little bit of grounding, a little bit of breathing just to help you.
• 17:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, head down for a minute reset.
• 17:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would love for you to check that out and if you've already grabbed it Will you just DM me and let me know if you love it or like your thoughts?
• 17:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would love to hear from you.
• 17:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day my friend.
• 17:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will talk to you so soon
• 17:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey love, I hope you enjoyed this episode and a quick reminder for you.
• 17:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: This show is for educational purposes only.
• 17:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Information from this show is not a substitute for mental health or medical treatment.
• 17:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode.
• 17:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Please share this with a friend who you know would enjoy this or feel free to head over to Instagram and send me a message letting you know what is standing out to you or that you loved today's episode.
• 18:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: I so appreciate you, I'm glad that you're here.
• 18:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day.