Latest / The Kink Consultant / Q&A With My Dom Part 2: What Makes a Good Dom?

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Q&A With My Dom Part 2: What Makes a Good Dom? · The Kink Consultant

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It's a King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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to it. We got a ton of questions on
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Instagram, so I'm gonna pull out to my favorites.
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What pleasure do you derive from being a Dom?
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I think that question basically means like, what do you get out
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of it? Because as I'm a switch, so I
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get both sides of it. But for a lot of people who just
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follow the subside, it's understandable to ask what the
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heck are you getting out of it? Because it's a lot of work for
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you. It's a lot of work for me, but
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also, I mean, you can make it to where the other person has to do
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a lot of work just to serve. If you have a service up.
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Yes, if you have a service up, and that's the hard part is for
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me our dynamic. You're not necessarily a service
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sub. I'm not necessarily a service
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Dom. I'm not necessarily a pleasure
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Dom. I'm not necessarily, like I
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said, I don't really label myself much at all.
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You probably label me a lot more than I label myself.
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I definitely do. Yeah, you have all the labels
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for me, it's fine. What other labels?
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I call you daddy. Yep.
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OK. You're the only person I will
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allow that to happen. So anybody else on there did not
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get that privilege, just FYI. Other people called you daddy
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though. They've tried.
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I don't like being called daddy just in a sexual term.
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Like if it's just in sex, like it just never did anything for
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me. It was more turn off than a turn
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on. I would tell girls like, hey,
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like, listen, I don't like that. And there was a girl that we
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were in the middle of having sex and she just decided right then
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and there to test my buttons, push the envelope a little bit.
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She's like, oh daddy, OK, done. Like I've told you multiple
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times today not to say that. You did.
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They passed the. Boundary.
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Yep. Literally pulled out, put my
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pants on wet in the other room, sat on the couch, started
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playing on my phone. She's like, really?
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I was like, yeah, I told you my limits.
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You push that limit, I'm done. I don't play those games.
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Did. You guys have sex again?
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No. Yeah.
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I don't like that. Someone push your boundary.
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You would never do that to me. That's the thing.
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We communicate so much that you would never just get up and
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leave. You also probably wouldn't push
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my boundaries in that way. Never.
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Yeah. Not on purpose.
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I've talked about this before. Sometimes you can accidentally
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call someone a nickname they don't want.
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What do you actually derive from being a Dom?
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Because it is so much work, What do you actually enjoy about it?
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The role you play in our dynamic.
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I find personal fulfillment in taking care of what's mine, and
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I do consider you mine the same way I consider me yours.
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Taking care of you, helping you, leading.
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Those kinds of things are things I find join fulfillment in.
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And then of course the physical side of things, there are
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definitely things like the power dynamic is something I would say
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is my biggest kink. Like they're as their biggest
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fetish even. Like it's the power to.
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Have power exchange for me. Like, that's fair, yeah.
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And so that by itself is the number one thing.
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That makes a ton of sense. You're very good at taking
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charge. I mean, I think that's another
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thing. What early on in our
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relationship we weren't even really in dynamic.
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We hadn't talked about it. But you just said we have to
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figure out your sleep thing because I do not sleep.
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I sleep maybe 4 hours sometimes and then other times I'll sleep
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maybe six hours. And you made it your personal
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mission to figure out how to get me to sleep more.
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That was a really caretaking thing that you did and you
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actually cared about it, which was nice.
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Still do, even though you're still a little punk ass
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Princess. No, you know what though?
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I want to talk about this for a second.
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You actually did an amazing job with that because I continued to
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not handle sleeping well and that directly affected our
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relationship in general. And you came up, you told me you
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wanted to talk about it and you had a solution that you thought
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would work with me because I work best at night and I love
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the solution. I just had to get 6 hours of
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sleep a day. It didn't matter when that six
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hours happen in a 24 hour period, I could nap, I could
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just sleep, take 3/2 hour naps and that counted as six hours
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and at least I was getting six hours.
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And I thought that was really thoughtful.
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Well, that's the thing when I say flexibility, guys, listen.
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Everything doesn't have to fit in a little box.
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It doesn't all have to be the same.
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Look at what works for your partner.
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Look at what works for you. This works for us.
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It doesn't mean I necessarily love it if she gets up in the
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middle of the night to go work because she can't sleep because
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I miss her in bed, but this is what works.
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This is what makes her brain tick.
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This is how she works the best, and when you support each other
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in the way you each work best, all of a sudden everything else
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just falls into place too. I can't deny that that is 100%
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true. How do you find a non judgmental
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kink friendly partner? The big thing is finding a non
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judgmental person in general. Start there, Find yourself a non
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judgmental person. If you find somebody and they're
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already judgmental, they're probably going to be a
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judgmental partner. Doesn't matter if it's king
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friendly or not. So the first thing is just
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finding a non judgmental person in general.
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Someone's asking where or how can I meet a true Dom?
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I want to experience being a sub properly, fully, but also
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safely. This is a really good question
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if you're just looking for experience and not in terms of a
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relationship by itself. You just want Dom sub style play
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and you're looking for a night, something casual, whatever.
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I would say check local dungeons, check local events and
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things like that. They have muncheons and brunches
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and things like that to where you can just go and talk to
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people without playing. Everybody stays fully clothed.
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It's a vanilla world meeting of kinky individuals.
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Get to know if you like somebody there.
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Go to those local events if that's all you're looking for.
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There are plenty of people out there in the world that are
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willing to do those things for you.
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Obviously dynamic is important in terms of whatever you are, no
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matter what it is. I say I have a relationship with
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everybody I meet. I have a relationship with the
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guy who bags my groceries. I have a relationship with the
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guy I walk past at the gas station.
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You know, everybody you have is in a dynamic or relationship.
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So whatever that dynamic relationship is, you have to be
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comfortable in whatever it is. So if you go out to those
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munches, make sure you have good vibes with a person.
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You don't have to play with anybody just because you want to
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play. Don't set your standards short
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just to. Have an experience.
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Have an experience? We've all done it.
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I mean that, not to shame anybody.
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I've been there, I'm sure. I know you've been there plenty
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of times. We've all.
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Plenty of times, we've all. Done it.
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Listen. Listen.
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I have not been there plenty of times, but yeah, I think early
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on definitely. I know, I know a lot of people
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have taken risks and played with people that they shouldn't have.
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And yes, myself included on that.
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Just have a need back. There's A at shirt out there
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that makes me laugh and it says my Dick has taken me places I
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wouldn't even go with a gun. And it makes me laugh a lot
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because I'm like, that was me and my young age.
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Like my Dick has taken me to places that I wouldn't even go
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with a gun. OK someone's asking how can I
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educate my Dom for him to behave like so?
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He's never tried BDSM before. I'm a switch.
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It's hard. I do believe that there is an
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innateness in us that if it's not there, it's never gonna
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fully be there. And I know that's hard to hear.
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It's just gotta, you just gotta live with it.
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There are certain things that you could ask for.
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I would limit it down. You can't ask somebody to be
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dominant in all courses of your life.
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However you want certain tendencies or things, limit or
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write those things out. Say, yeah, you help me with
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X&Y&Z. Praise them when they do good
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like that. Everybody does well with praise,
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including Doms. Like you don't have to not be
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praised or feel welcomed or something you've introduced me
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to is aftercare as a Dom. Like I don't have that
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experience in things, you know, where you say, what do you need?
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Like that wasn't something I had ever had before.
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So it's phrase. Oh yeah.
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I know I've said to you, what do you need?
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And you're like, you've been like, I don't know, that's like
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a new question, but I didn't know no one else had asked you
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that. Never, never had it.
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So it's one of those things like praise, positive affirmations
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and things, even just something like thank you.
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That's where I can tell what you're doing.
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Even if it's not 100% what you want, it's going to be coaching.
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So if you're trying to get somebody to do certain things,
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you have to be willing to help teach them, lead them, grow
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them. It's not just going to be an
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instant thing. And I know that's hard as a sub
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to take charge and lead in that way, but you have to lead
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through submissiveness I guess is the best way to say.
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It you also have to ask if they're willing to take on that
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right, Because you can't just force someone into it.
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And I think starting small, pick something small, whatever that
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dominant side you want, whether it's just in the bedroom,
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whether it's something you want in daily life, like hey, I want
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discipline in my daily life. Can we make one rule?
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Just make one simple rule. Did I drink my water today?
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Did I get out of bed in time? Did I make the bed this morning?
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Did IX and Y&Z, whatever those things are, set that one thing
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up. Ask them to stick to that one
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thing religiously. If you need structure in it, say
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hey, we both are home every night at six 30.
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We check in right then and there.
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Make it easy if you put something on the schedule and
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the more scheduled it is for most people, if you actually are
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able to do that with your schedules, the easier it is to
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keep up with. If your lives are hectic and
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everything else, obviously it gets harder, but it could even
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be a text message. You can even set a reminder on
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your phone too. That's what I have to do with my
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ADHD. If I've got something with you
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over distance, like I have to put reminders on my calendar to
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check in with you because my life gets hectic.
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We're not seeing each other all the time.
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And I will, I'll just say I I need to check in on this at the
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end of the week and I'll put it in there.
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I'll put it in a time I know I can ask you about it and it'll
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come up and I'll be, oh, yeah. It wasn't even clicking in my
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head yet, but I'll put a calendar reminder.
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It'll pop up and then boom, I'll be like, oh, I need to go talk
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to her about this. Oh.
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That's really good advice also I'm like on a high right now
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because I feel like a good sub because I ask you what aftercare
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you need. I'm glad you appreciate.
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That right? Shut up.
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She's not brownie at all though. Not at all.
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What do you do when you are tired or low energy and your sub
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is asking for a lot? So we've talked about this in
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our relationship. We haven't been there yet, but
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there have been times where we're just like we've agreed
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that we can pretty much pause the dynamic at any time in terms
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of, listen, I'm not feeling tonight, I'm off and the other
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person can say I'm off. Like if I come home and she's
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not wanting to be submissive that day or whatever, just
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headspace. Or if I'm not feeling dominant
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that day because my day just kicked my ass.
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We agreed that we can come home, be like, hey, can we just have a
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night off? Just be together, be a vanilla
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couple or, you know, even communicating and say, hey, I
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just need to be alone. I need space, I need whatever.
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Communication is the biggest thing.
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Yeah. If you're not feeling it, you
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don't have to force it. If you're in a respectful
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relationship, that person will understand.
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Now, you can't weaponize that. You know, I know a lot of people
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will sit there and like, I'm tired, my head hurts, whatever.
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You can't use that excuse all the time just to get out of your
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duties. To be a true Dom, you have to be
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consistent, show up all the time.
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If you can't show up, that's perfectly fine.
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You just have to communicate those things.
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I know you're really big on that rule, which is good because like
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same as being a sub, it's hard to be consistent as a sub.
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I think it's especially hard when you are not.
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There are times where I have to be a boss and be in charge of
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everything and then to come be submissive to you is really
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hard. Dom's in general, listen, you're
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submissive is going to have a lot harder time being submissive
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if you're inconsistent versus if you just stay consistent, even
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consistent in the way of saying like, hey, I'm not today.
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We need to pause this. That's consistent.
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But when you're on, you need to be on.
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You can't half ass it one way or another.
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And being that way, if you stay consistent, they will understand
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to remain consistent themselves. If you're wishy washy, they're
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going to be wishy washy. There's no way around it.
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That's a really great answer. Consistency is important to me
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and I've always said that I'm really bad.
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You're also so consistent in bringing that message.
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What do you think your biggest challenge is in being the dumb?
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Dealing with punk ass princesses.
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No, that is not, is it? No consistency.
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It's hard to be consistent in any part of your life, I think.
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100% any part of your life whether it's going to the gym,
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eating right, caring for yourself, whatever it is.
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Consistency is the biggest attribute you can have.
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If you can remain consistent any part of your life healthily.
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Consistently being unhealthy is not counting as consistent.
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Consistently not sleeping consistently not drinking water.
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No healthy consistent habits will change your life.
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Remaining consistent is one of the biggest things I'll tell you
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is. A challenge, but.
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Challenging part of it. But worth it.
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Oh 100% worth it. OK, if a Dom starts to develop
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feelings, can it be that he doesn't want to hurt me that
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much anymore? Yes, 1000%.
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OK, we talked about this before because I thought.
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She was surprised she didn't quite understand that at the
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time. No, I didn't understand it
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because I was like, well, you don't hurt me less now.
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That's true, I've always just hurt her the same.
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But what I learned is you didn't actually hurt me hard to begin
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with either because you are a sadist.
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I am more sadistic than you, more sadistic than you are
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masochistic. But I am slightly masochistic.
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Yeah, it's just a different levels and you have to.
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Different levels, different play styles, things like that.
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And yeah, we work together well on catering to those things.
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I think we both give and take in different ways.
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We do, and you can definitely stop, like those play styles may
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change as your feelings grow. The way you see somebody, hold
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somebody in your mind, value somebody, things like that could
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change how you play with somebody.
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There are friends that I've had in the past that as I got to
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know them, like our play style changed because the only time
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I'd want to play hard in certain things with them was for more
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real discipline styles and things like that.
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As we grew in yeah, deeper relationships, more meaningful
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relationships with each other. I didn't know about you until
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this person asked, so that was a really good question.
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Do you good? Job person.
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Yeah. What other rules do you have for
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me that you enjoy or think are important for a dynamic?
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I know it seems insignificant to other people, but making the bed
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is something for me. Every day you make the bed and
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it's one of those things that just starts the day.
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I don't know exactly what time you make the bed.
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Some days you may not make it till 3 or 4 or 5:00 in the
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afternoon because you know I'm gonna come home.
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You don't wanna be in trouble, but it just has.
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Me. Never.
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I know. But it has that submissive
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mindset to it of just that willingness to serve, to please
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into, you know, you're also respecting the space that you're
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in. We both do a good job of keeping
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the house clean and things like that and try our best overall.
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Like that's that one thing that's set up to where it's
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like, no, this is your job, your task, your way to be submissive
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and everything else in the relationship.
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And it really works well. I know it's a small way that I
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prove I'm consistent to. Yeah.
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And thinking of you, what do you do if you misjudge your Subs
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mood or needs? So it does happen.
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I mean, even with you, we've just had that discussion the
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other day. I'm like, listen, I'm still
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learning. What certain ways that you
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communicate and when you whine or ask not to or whatever about
14:18
certain things, like if you misjudge, it's OK to say I
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misjudged, I was wrong. Can we communicate how this
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works better for the future and help me to understand what these
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things mean? It's also OK to ask in the
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middle of something like is this this or is this this?
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One of my favorite things, I don't even think I've used it
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with you before yet is if you were to tell me, hey, I'm gonna
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go get in the shower. Is this information or is this
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an invitation? Oh, you've definitely used that
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with me. OK, Yeah.
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Perfect. Is this just information or is
14:45
this an invitation? Whatever.
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You're sitting there and you're trying to, you know, talk to me
14:49
about something. I'm like, OK, are you just
14:50
trying to vent or do you want a solution?
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That kind of communication, understanding the way somebody
14:54
wants to communicate and everything else is the biggest
14:56
thing. This hasn't happened us, but
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maybe it's happened to another. If you go in a deep subspace and
15:01
cannot talk while in it, what can you do to communicate?
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That's kind of more of a question for me, but I don't go
15:07
into such deep subspaces. I think if you know you're the
15:09
type, you need to communicate what you want for yourself.
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It's sort of like I could go deep.
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I could. If you're someone who goes
15:15
nonverbal, you need to communicate that before you go
15:17
into it. Have you ever played with anyone
15:19
who goes nonverbal? Yes, and there are ways to check
15:21
in with people. One thing I used to do with
15:23
people was I would, if their hands were in front of them,
15:25
wherever their hands were, if they were kind of nonverbal, I
15:28
would just put my finger in in the middle of their hand and let
15:30
them squeeze. Like, hey, are we still here?
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Are we good? If the squeeze wasn't there,
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they're not there. We're going to slow things down.
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We're going to wrap it up. You also need to communicate how
15:38
deeply you want to play before you get to that level.
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If you know you're not going to be verbal or you're going to be
15:43
so deep in it, you don't want to come back out of that having
15:45
been deeper than you wanted to be.
15:47
So instigating that going into that.
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Obviously, if you're going to be that deep, you also need to be
15:51
with somebody who you feel safe with and trust.
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That's not like a first time playing with somebody kind of
15:56
thing. You know, you need to start
15:57
slow, build trust, understanding all those kinds of things.
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But there are ways to communicate non verbally.
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And so one of them is, you know, for me, I would just put my
16:05
finger in their hand, let them squeeze it, make sure there's
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something there. If I didn't feel like the
16:08
intensity was there, like they're halfway there, I might
16:10
give them a little squeeze back and then they kind of wake up a
16:13
little bit like we good, OK, good, keep moving.
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Good answer. I'm glad you do that with
16:17
people. We've never played to that
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level. I don't know if we ever will
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play to that level. I don't think we get that way.
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That's just not the way that. We play.
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Is there a difference for you between fem doms and male doms?
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In what sense? Question.
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For me, I think one of the biggest differences can be
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strength. Like you can rely on strength.
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And even when I am in a dominant role, I can't rely on strength.
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I have to rely. I rely on consistency of like I
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say, something's gonna happen and it happens as a way to
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enforce like this is how it is. I don't have a ton of experience
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with femdoms themselves. I think one of the big things is
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they do have to rely on different weapons than strength.
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So presence is a huge thing that I'm just a bigger guy.
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I carry presence by walking in the women traditionally aren't
17:00
as big as men. They have to carry a presence
17:02
differently in the couple parties.
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I've been doing things, I've seen those women that just walk
17:06
in the room and they just they have a presence.
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I'm like, OK, that's one way they use it.
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Utilizing their mind and their mouth is a huge thing.
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Tone, the consistency of things, like you said, it's huge.
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You just stay with it. You don't allow certain things.
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Then that system. I mean, they're all mommy Dom
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types, but that maternal lecturing style of like, hey,
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no, cut your bullshit. That consistency.
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I've just cut the bullshit. Let's I would also say that
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typically femdoms don't give as easily to their submissives as
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male doms do. Male doms get coerced so quickly
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most of the time. But women especially.
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Cute women. They just cute women bat their
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eyelashes and whine a little bit and then they're like, oh, I'm
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sorry, baby. And no, you don't have that
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luxury. No I know, but also I know that
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the spankings I've gotten from women and punishments, they are
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less forgiving. There are no bullshit and I've
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talked about that before too. As a Dom, do you feel complete
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transparency is required in relationships?
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Yes and no. I believe complete transparency
18:01
is important in all relationships.
18:03
However, I also believe there's a trust in things that can be
18:06
built and things like that to where if there was something,
18:09
I'd be like, hey, I just talked to my good friend X&Y&Z.
18:12
They're going through a hard time.
18:14
I'd rather not tell you about it.
18:15
That's fair. We've talked about that, yeah.
18:17
If you need to know, I'll tell you.
18:19
But if you can respect this, like the transparency is there
18:22
in saying, I will share this with you if you really feel like
18:25
it is, but I would appreciate if you would respect the privacy of
18:28
me and this other person. And that's where the no comes
18:31
in. The no comes in with you don't
18:32
need to know everything. I don't need to know everything.
18:35
You took a phone call earlier that you were talking to a
18:37
friend, helping them through some stuff.
18:39
And I don't know anything about that conversation because we
18:42
just have that trust with each other.
18:43
It's like, no, I don't need to know that.
18:45
You don't need to tell me all those things.
18:46
How do you seek to be supported by a sub?
18:50
The same way I show up consistently.
18:52
I would ask the same thing through a sub now.
18:54
It's not always going to be the same.
18:56
You haven't shown up consistently and things due to
18:58
heads space and things. We both struggle with headspace
19:01
at times. Frustration.
19:03
That's the job of the leader is to pull you back into.
19:06
But how do you pull yourself back in?
19:07
It's hard. It can be hard sometimes.
19:09
I try and pull you back in sometimes myself.
19:11
I know you don't like phone calls, but I also know when I
19:13
get you on the phone you will talk until you're exhausted.
19:17
And I will be the one who's like, OK, I think we should hang
19:19
up now because I don't want you to exhaust yourself either.
19:22
That's the way I feel like I support you.
19:23
OK? What makes the sub appealing
19:26
when you're looking for someone to engage with?
19:28
That's really hard to answer because you're asking in a broad
19:32
sense. You know, I know what makes
19:33
people appealing to me, but that's like saying what makes
19:36
somebody appealing when you're trying to date.
19:37
I'll tell you gotta go ahead. Someone who is thoughtful,
19:41
someone who is strong minded. I want someone who has values.
19:46
I honestly I might not agree with those values, but someone
19:49
who has conviction you're. Not talking about when you're
19:50
looking for a sub, you're talking about when you're
19:52
looking for a dominant person. No, this is just a person in
19:54
general. Right.
19:54
But like. Person, I think that it's
19:56
important for submissive too. There are conversations we've
19:58
had where I'm like, Nope, this is a boundary for me and I will
20:02
not cross this. And then you're like, OK, I
20:04
support that. I think that I don't know if
20:06
that was something you were looking for.
20:07
No, I guess I just mean in general what I'm looking for a
20:10
first sub. Should I answer specifically for
20:13
a sub because. That's what the question.
20:14
That is the question. But like that's because you're
20:16
the Dom to engage with. I want someone who can listen
20:20
and can engage in a conversation with me so they're paying
20:22
attention to me and they're not just one track minded.
20:25
I want someone focused and I'm looking for.
20:27
That when engaging, it all depends on what level of play
20:30
you're looking for. If you're looking for just a
20:31
play partner, we can warrior type.
20:33
If you're actually looking for somebody to date, obviously it's
20:36
the same thing as dating. If you're looking for somebody
20:38
just to go home for the night, if you're looking for somebody,
20:40
something ongoing, if you're looking for somebody spend your
20:42
life with, obviously what you're going to look for is different.
20:45
Something that makes somebody appealing obviously is like
20:49
interests. So if I'm looking for a
20:51
submissive for impact play, they have to be into impact play.
20:54
As much as people hate to say it, you know, physical
20:57
attraction is a huge thing. You have to be physically
21:00
attracted to the person. If they're not physically
21:01
attracted, it's not going to work.
21:03
I'm sorry. Another big thing is just how
21:05
comfortably you're able to communicate in the real world
21:08
because if you're not comfortable able to communicate
21:10
in the real world, you're never going to be able to comfortably
21:13
navigate and communicate. To play safely.
21:15
When looking for somebody submissive, you need somebody
21:18
that's there. Also for me, when I look for
21:19
somebody to be on the sub side of things, like there has to be
21:23
a submissive tendency there. If there's too much fight on
21:27
everything, it's not the style I'm now.
21:30
That's not saying like they can't have opinions and things
21:32
like that, but if all they want to do is argue and fight
21:34
everything. And be a brat.
21:36
Yeah, that's just not the energy I wish to exert.
21:38
Now, I enjoy logic filled debates.
21:41
We have logical conversations where I say OK, let's hear it
21:45
and you'll talk and we'll listen and we'll go back and forth on
21:48
points and that stuff. You're not arguing just to argue
21:50
or just to be a pain in the butt.
21:52
We do have those little debates, just the debate, because it's
21:55
fun, but it's not to be a brat or anything else that's really
21:57
flexing your mind muscles. OK.
21:59
How to engage and get into C&C Play consensual non consent.
22:04
These are all things that are definitely deeper trust things.
22:08
I mean, you have to be definitely with somebody who
22:10
cares about you #1 you care about them #2 and it made me not
22:14
100% romantically or whatever, but care about the betterment of
22:18
the well-being of the individual.
22:19
You don't want to generally cause them harm or dismay in any
22:23
real way. Obviously predicaments and
22:25
things like that, you know, predicament play, all that
22:27
stuff, fine, but really life harm and stuff is never anything
22:30
you should be trying to cause anybody, whether that's in their
22:33
daily life struggles, that kind of stuff.
22:35
When you're trying to find somebody for CNC style play, you
22:38
need to make sure that you both have each other's best interests
22:41
in mind. We do have somewhat of a CNC
22:43
style relationship. For me, it's one of those things
22:46
where I go, no, I'm not going to take advantage of this right now
22:48
because I need you focused on X&Y&Z.
22:51
Like I can't pull you out of whatever headspace you're in.
22:54
I can't pull you out of what you're working on right now for
22:57
my own needs because you're in game, you're doing everything
23:00
you need to do. So for me, I'm definitely
23:02
looking at you and saying OK, like I have this power to do
23:04
X&Y&Z, but right now I'm not going to because I have your
23:07
better interests in mind, not just my own getting myself off
23:10
or wet or whatever it is. So finding somebody who's going
23:12
to have your best interests in mind.
23:14
Safety is also a big thing and in everything we always preach
23:18
safe words, safe words, safe words, safe words, safe words,
23:20
safe words. Even in consensual non consent,
23:23
safe words are always respected. There is never anything, that is
23:26
never a time that a safe word should not be respected, period.
23:30
Even in discipline, safe word, safe word, safe word, safe word,
23:34
safe word. So if somebody can't respect
23:36
those things and respect you, they don't respect you.
23:38
They shouldn't be having any control with your body, inside
23:42
your body, anything else, period.
23:43
I have another thing to add that you're really good at.
23:45
I am kind of for use, but you have never gone to a place that
23:49
I have not at some point previously given expressed
23:53
consent to. I have like clearly said, yes,
23:55
you have permission to do that. And it pisses her off because
23:58
she does sometimes want those kinds of things to happen me
24:01
just to take advantage of. And still it's one of those
24:03
things like, no. And I've told her on certain
24:05
things, like you have to tell me at some point in time that this
24:08
is now OK. Once you tell me that, I will
24:10
exploit that however aspect. Yeah.
24:12
But until that happens, no. That's true.
24:15
There are times where I even am guilty of this, of being like,
24:18
no, I don't want to have to communicate it.
24:20
Like just take it because that's the fantasy.
24:23
And I really appreciate that you do not play into that.
24:26
It's like a huge level of responsibility that you have and
24:29
safety that I respect, even if it's not something that I in my
24:32
fantasy world think I want. Oh, both of us are annoyed by
24:35
that little fact. She's annoyed that I don't just
24:37
do it and I'm annoyed that she won't give that consent, so it's
24:40
fine. Do you feel like you are a good
24:41
Dom? I think that we all fall short
24:43
and I think we all are hard on ourselves and our shortcomings a
24:45
lot of times. I definitely felt inadequate a
24:48
lot of times, but I work on. It I've never felt you were
24:50
inadequate. Fair.
24:51
I think you always handle things really well.
24:53
Almost frustratingly so because I'm like, God damn it, why can't
24:56
you just like fuck up? But every time we have
24:59
something, you just approach it so logically that it kind of
25:02
makes my ego have to take a step back.
25:05
That's I would say you approach things without an ego when it
25:08
comes to your Dom style, would you agree?
25:10
Logically is the best way to say it.
25:11
Like I try to approach anything with logic 2 + 2 = 4.
25:14
This means this. All right, I'm gonna let you
25:16
read through the questions. Oh can Dom spot out Subs?
25:19
I think true dominant person always can find it.
25:22
But there's also ways that like code word teasers,
25:25
playfulnesses. Are you telling me if you saw me
25:28
at a restaurant, if you saw me at a bar, you would know I was
25:32
submissive? This punk ass Princess right
25:35
here. I bent down to tie my shoe.
25:37
This doesn't count. It wasn't in the wild.
25:40
It was in the wild, but we were without groups.
25:42
You already knew, OK? So I don't think, I don't think
25:45
like seeing people in general, like just looking at somebody
25:49
most of the time that you could find submissive or not.
25:52
However, the way people talk, the way they communicate, things
25:55
like that, I see a lot, I see people, I'm like, OK, so and so
25:59
there might be a little submissive side of things and
26:01
you could talk to people and communicating with people in
26:03
certain ways. You see clearer.
26:06
You can use little feelers out on things and you know, kind of
26:09
touch point a lot of things to see if somebody feels a certain
26:11
way or something. You know, one of the things I
26:13
used to do with friends is I used to jokingly ground my
26:16
friends all the time my my girlfriends.
26:18
Like friends are your actual I'm dating you girlfriend.
26:21
Friends who are girls, the ones that you're playful with and
26:24
things like that casually and not really playful with, like
26:26
playful relationship. And that would I say something
26:28
like you're grounded and after a while, but why do you always
26:31
ground me? Like, well, your options were
26:32
grounded or spanked. I thought this was the better
26:34
option. And that's just playful.
26:35
You kind of laugh it off. And if they're not into the
26:37
spanking, they would never even think twice about, yeah, that's
26:40
probably fair. You know, that's the response.
26:42
Then every once will be like, well maybe I'd rather be
26:43
spanked. Okay, that's obvious.
26:46
You know what, let's go back to this.
26:48
First of all, I was not a punk ass Princess.
26:50
We were at one of these group lunches that we went to during
26:53
the event Oasis party. Yes, we went to lunch and one of
26:57
your friends united your shoelace.
26:59
It wasn't me. I didn't untie it.
27:01
You did the thing that you do that I hate where you counted
27:04
for her to tie your shoe again because you were like you
27:07
outside to tie it. Did she first?
27:09
Did she ever get in trouble for untying your shoe?
27:11
Did you ever spank or punish her for it?
27:14
No, we'll get back to her. You have a cruise coming up that
27:17
she'll probably be on so. OK, well, we'll.
27:20
Get back to her on that. We have a lot sign up for the
27:22
cruise by the way. But anyway.
27:24
TKC 50, also in the show notes. All right, no, but back to this
27:27
point, I thought you were very cocky in the way you were acting
27:30
about it and I wasn't into it. So you bent down to tie your
27:33
shoe and I thought that maybe I could put you in your place a
27:37
little bit. And I walked over and nudged you
27:39
with my butt to push you over. It wasn't well thought out
27:43
because I was like I didn't want you to hurt yourself, just
27:46
wanted you to like be a little unsteady and not so cocky.
27:48
Be a little unsteady. She wanted me to fall on my
27:50
butt. That's what she wanted.
27:52
It wasn't a little nudge. She gave a pretty good little
27:55
heave to to try to knock me over.
27:58
Didn't understand. I'm more sure footed than she
28:00
thought I. Was absolutely not because you
28:01
were bending down to tie your shoe.
28:03
I was on one knee, other foot up, just trying to, you know,
28:06
and tie my shoe. She did not.
28:08
Plan. She did not get me to fall over,
28:11
which was unfortunate. In nudging me she came too close
28:14
for her own good to where I just grabbed one of her legs and put
28:17
her over my shoulder and just stood up.
28:20
In the restaurant. In the middle of the restaurant.
28:22
It was very funny, yeah, and I laughed my ass off.
28:26
It was actually also very romantic.
28:28
Yeah, you know, I try to pick up women everywhere I go, and this
28:31
one just happened to stick around.
28:33
I did, but that was the good moment.
28:34
I just wanted to clear out that you were cocky.
28:36
Oh, and she didn't get punished. And your girlfriends, it
28:39
reminded me sometimes you threaten your girlfriends.
28:41
But we were at a King party. She was.
28:43
But yeah, I would like if on the cruise, I would like to witness
28:46
that punishment because that was like unfair.
28:49
I got punished for that. That was your segue.
28:51
You have been perpetually rewarded since.
28:53
Yes, that's true. Anyway, anyone wants to join us
28:56
on this cruise? What's the cruise line?
28:58
Kinky cruise Calm. Yep, and you can use code TKC 50
29:02
for $50 off per person book now because those rooms are selling
29:06
out fast. This is the only Kink dedicated
29:08
cruise there is, so check it out, we'll be there.
29:11
We'll be there and I do not plan to release my face or anything
29:15
else on podcasts and things like that.
29:17
So if you ever want to actually find out who I am, you have to
29:19
go to these events and sign up Withers.
29:20
Not totally true. You will be at my next or one of
29:25
my next in person intensive weekends in Vegas.
29:29
We'll be doing 1 together because you've agreed like
29:31
setting up your own DS dynamic. So for couples who are
29:34
struggling with this or really want to focus, it's like a
29:37
retreat in Vegas to set up your DS dynamic and we will both be
29:41
there teaching that for the weekend so.
29:44
In order to ever see who I really am, you'll have to come
29:46
to these in person events, whether it's our weekend,
29:48
whether it's kinky cruises, whether it's whatever.
29:51
Do you want to read through any more of the questions?
29:53
I didn't read through that many to be fair.
29:54
I kind of started at the top. Here's a good one.
29:56
It's how is it being with a sub that really knows a lot and is
30:01
sure of what they like. I purposely didn't ask that one
30:03
because I eternally, no matter how much I know, feel I don't
30:06
know a lot. That was going to be a lot of
30:09
what it is is there's a lot of discovery and exploration we
30:12
found in our own dynamic because you do understand a lot what I
30:15
would say book smart wise, you know, like every term, every
30:19
facet. She understands every dynamic of
30:21
the relationship. She can help and understand
30:24
everything in other people's relationships, but it your own
30:26
sing in your own world totally different place.
30:29
We navigate our own worlds differently than we do other
30:32
people's. You know, I was always the
30:33
friend that I could lead anybody through any relationship
30:36
whatsoever, but was always the single friend couldn't navigate
30:40
my own relationship. It's one of those things you do
30:42
know so much. You are so smart, you're so
30:45
gifted, you're so talented in that way.
30:47
But it's so funny because we're so clouded in our own thought
30:50
processes about ourselves. We don't really look
30:53
introspectively the same way we do for other people, and we
30:56
don't show up. You and I are both very similar
30:59
in the sense that we show up in incredible ways for our people,
31:02
and we give our people a lot more attention than we give
31:04
ourselves. And what's funny is you show up
31:07
for me that way and I show up for you that way, and you show
31:10
up in ways for me to allow me to be a better Dom and encouraging
31:14
that in the same way I show up in ways for you to encourage you
31:17
and allow you to be a better submissive when we're not really
31:20
thinking about those things. So you do have all of that
31:23
knowledge and everything else, but you don't really think about
31:25
it for yourself. You don't really think about
31:27
your own dynamics, your own needs, your own wants, your own
31:29
this, your own that, whatever it is.
31:31
So even with all that knowledge, like you still need somebody to
31:34
lead and help you understand and help you feel fulfilled in that
31:38
role. And I think that's the big thing
31:39
with any DS relationship is both roles need to feel seen and
31:43
fulfilled at the end of every day.
31:45
I mean, it's a tough one. Because was any of that
31:48
intimidating to you? Not really, no.
31:50
OK. I knew what I was about.
31:51
I I I'm also somebody that I enjoy knowledge like.
31:54
I'm not too prideful to say there are people smarter than
31:57
me. As soon as you can acknowledge
31:59
that there are people in the world smarter than you about
32:01
different things, your life gets a lot better.
32:03
Approach life with the theory of ignorance.
32:06
Pretend you're the dumbest person in the room whether you
32:07
are or not. Let people try to tell you what
32:10
it is and you may learn something.
32:12
You may just learn that people are pragmatic and want to flex
32:15
big mind muscles that they don't even have and it just tells you
32:17
who they are. Pragmatic is a good thing.
32:20
Pragmatic is practical, isn't it?
32:21
Yes, it is. So I have a question for you.
32:24
How do you deal with performance anxiety or any kind of sexual
32:28
anxiety? Performance anxiety I think
32:29
might be as a Dom and then sexual anxiety.
32:32
I mean, do you get those things now?
32:34
I have. It can be hard performance,
32:37
sexual anxiety, all of it. A lot of your anxiety and things
32:40
like that genuinely come from your daily life.
32:44
Anxiety in general, if you're not sleeping enough, you're not
32:46
taking care of yourself. All those things, there are ways
32:50
to take care of yourself. That that stuff, it doesn't
32:52
necessarily fix it, but it makes it lesser.
32:54
For me, if I'm not sleeping enough, I'm drinking too much
32:57
caffeine, I'm not eating a clean diet, my anxiety levels go up
33:00
and my performance numbers go down.
33:02
You know, if your diet's trash, you're not drinking enough
33:05
water. All those things, guess what?
33:06
Your performance is going to follow that.
33:08
You know, if you're putting bad fuel in a race car, race car is
33:11
not going to go fast. Yeah.
33:12
You feed the race car good, good fuel.
33:14
All of a sudden it runs. So that's an easy one.
33:17
The big thing is communicating with your partner how you're
33:20
feeling. Because if you're feeling like
33:21
you're not performing and everything else and you know,
33:23
you're just beating yourself up, then they get frustrated and
33:26
they don't understand you're frustrated.
33:27
And all of a sudden it's just this downward spiral of
33:30
disappointment on both sides versus if one person comes up
33:32
and says, hey, listen, I'm having a hard time with this, I
33:35
know it's affecting you too. Can we figure out a way to fix
33:38
it? And whenever both people are on
33:39
the same page, it's two people against the problem, not one.
33:42
And that's something we've tried to put in our own relationship.
33:44
Is 2 people against the problem, It's US against the problem.
33:47
It's not just. One of us or one of us being the
33:49
problem. That's my favorite thing, and I
33:51
think the biggest mind shift I've had in a relationship in
33:54
general, by the way, was you saying that it's like US against
33:57
the problem. And that's not just in this
33:59
question. That's everything.
34:00
It's you guys versus the problem, period.
34:03
It's not one person, it's not the other person.
34:05
It's both people against the problem.
34:07
So how does that tie into anxiety around performance?
34:10
So anxiety around performance, it's the same thing.
34:13
Like if you're having performance anxiety, you can't
34:15
perform in a if I couldn't perform in a way I would go to
34:18
you. Like if I'm not performing,
34:19
whether it's as a Dom, whether it's sexually, whatever, if I
34:22
just continue to play this game, it's going to be unfulfilling
34:25
for me. It's going to be unfulfilling
34:26
for you. We're both going to become
34:28
frustrated. Neither of us is going to talk
34:30
about it. But playing what game?
34:32
Pretending everything's fine? Yeah.
34:33
Just not communicating it, not feeling it out, not letting it.
34:36
Like I said, calling the demons to light is the biggest thing in
34:39
change. So if you can call the demon out
34:42
number one, like, hey, I'm struggling with this.
34:44
Can we, you know, it's hurting me right now.
34:47
Then you don't even like one of the hardest things about
34:49
performance anxiety is you're thinking about it the whole
34:50
time. You're just worried like, am I
34:52
doing it right? Am I performing like this is
34:54
happening that you're worried about, that you're not even
34:56
worried about the feeling that you're in versus if you can just
34:58
say, hey, this may not go well from the start, going with that
35:02
intention, like communicate with your partner, like, hey, I want
35:04
to try this. This may not go well, but I
35:06
still want to connect in this way.
35:07
Can we do it anyway? Yeah.
35:08
Just having that freedom to say, hey, this may not go well.
35:11
Or this has nothing. If it doesn't go well, it.
35:13
Has nothing to do with you at all, right?
35:15
And that just changes the world. I mean, there are times where
35:17
we've talked to each other like we enjoy intercourse without
35:21
either. So we don't say intercourse, we
35:23
say sex. You can say sex.
35:25
Do you not want to say sex? I can say sex, I just when I
35:28
said it earlier, she wants to cut the clip so.
35:29
No, because can't. OK, fine, intercourse.
35:34
This isn't like a biology book. It can be.
35:36
All right, fine, all right. Enjoy intercourse.
35:39
Yes, the intercourse activities. OK, fine.
35:43
Yeah, you're right. We don't need to finish.
35:44
I mean, I like to. Oh.
35:45
We both do, and we both typically do sometime during the
35:49
day. At some, yeah.
35:50
Yeah, but there are times where we're just like, hey, we don't
35:52
have the time, we don't have the energy, whatever it is.
35:54
But I still want to connect in this way.
35:55
Like let's connect and we both walk away fulfilled.
35:58
Or just one of the two of. Us.
36:00
No, no, at least connected. OK what's something you're still
36:03
curious to explore with me? I promise that's the last
36:05
question. Well son, I still we want to Co
36:07
top somebody. I do, yeah.
36:09
I enjoy topping. I'm excited to see that happen.
36:11
I hope it happens at any the cruise, the next party we're at,
36:15
any of these things. The next party will be Oasis Las
36:17
Vegas I believe. We don't know that I mean.
36:19
I believe, yeah, things change. Things could happen before then.
36:23
OK. So thank you for coming on.
36:25
I appreciate you being so vulnerable and open and willing
36:27
to talk and answer all of my questions.
36:29
There was not one question I asked that you were like, I
36:31
don't want to answer that, so appreciate it.
36:33
All right, so as I said, we will be hosting my next or one of my
36:38
next in person intensive retreats in Vegas.
36:41
My Dom will be there and we'll be talking about how to set up
36:43
your own DS dynamic and we'll be doing for couples tailoring it
36:47
to your relationship style right now.
36:49
So you can sign up for that. There's a link in the show
36:52
notes. Also will be on kinky cruise
36:55
April 26th to May 2nd and there are still a couple of cabins
37:00
left for it. So go to Kinky Cruise, Comm link
37:03
is in the show notes. Use TKC 50 for $50 off per
37:06
person. It's going to be a lot of fun
37:08
and I hope to see you there because that's more vacation,
37:10
but I will be teaching class. That will be fun, but there will
37:12
also be classes and things like that too, so you could get to
37:15
meet us. You get to also ask questions in
37:17
person, get to actually enjoy a cruise and everything else.
37:20
So I think that would be a great time.
37:21
And if you can't wait till that, there will be our in person in
37:25
March. All right, thank you again.
37:27
And if you do have any more questions, leave them in the
37:29
comments. We will probably do another
37:31
episode, hopefully soon ish. And remember to like, comment,
37:36
share and rate this five stars if you're enjoying it, all
37:39
right. Good night.
37:42
If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, leave
37:45
a review and share it with anyone who might find it
37:47
interesting. And if you have any questions or
37:49
topics you'd like me to cover in future episodes, feel free to
37:52
reach out e-mail info@thekingconsultant.com.
37:56
Until next time, keep on kinking on.