Latest / Questionable Detour / Bringing racoon blood to your doctor, dating a man with wounds, and drinking antifreeze.

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Bringing racoon blood to your doctor, dating a man with wounds, and drinking antifreeze. · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:06
But first we're going to make a little detour.
0:08
So absurd, so questionable.
0:11
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:16
Expect the detour.
0:25
So welcome to episode 38.
0:28
Welcome back our good friend Perry, long time contributor, first time listener.
0:39
And also a congratulations is in order.
0:42
Alan is starting a new job Monday and I want him to feel the support of us.
0:47
We want to congratulate you.
0:49
It is certainly easier not to have a job than it is to have a job.
0:52
If you go around the room and each individually say congratulations.
0:55
Okay, Evan, you want to start?
0:57
I just want to say you did it.
0:59
Honestly, I think I can speak for all of us when I say we didn't think you could do it.
1:03
Thank you.
1:04
Thank you for that.
1:05
Never thought you would be here, but you are.
1:06
Yeah, I really appreciate that.
1:07
I want to congratulate Alan and let me frame it for you.
1:11
This is the next 40 years of your life.
1:13
You know, you're going to work for the rest of your life paying taxes and then you're
1:16
going to die.
1:17
So, uh, way to, way to take basically your last and final step into oblivion.
1:23
Which was a little less, uh, less encouraging than Evans.
1:28
Uh, Perry, do you want to try and see if you could top top Zach somehow?
1:31
Yeah, see what I can do.
1:33
I thought was silent.
1:34
You probably more encouraged.
1:35
Yeah.
1:36
Yeah.
1:37
Yeah.
1:38
Uh, yeah.
1:39
I mean, just congratulations.
1:40
Um, you know, we've known each other for a few years now and it's all mostly been downhill,
1:44
but I can see the light in your eyes again.
1:47
So I'm excited to see what you're going to do this new job and bringing home that bacon
1:53
Thank you.
1:54
Thank you everybody.
1:55
And kind of thank you to Zach.
1:56
Well, I just listen, just because mine was framed a little bit darker, doesn't mean it's
2:00
any less of a reality, but do you want to give people maybe some pointers on how you
2:05
handled the job interview?
2:07
Because you, you had to go through multiple job interviews.
2:09
This was a, yeah, an impressive, yeah, it was an impressive job hire.
2:12
So what'd you do?
2:13
So the first one is a phone interview.
2:15
Yeah.
2:16
So they call you, they don't see you.
2:17
They don't, they don't see me in person.
2:18
You could wear whatever you want.
2:20
I could.
2:21
What did you wear?
2:22
I wore a dress and a top hat.
2:24
And that made you feel better about yourself.
2:26
Made me feel really confident.
2:28
But what I did is I gave them the number to this person that's supposed to be my secretary.
2:33
Okay.
2:34
Cause I wanted him to make it feel important.
2:35
I wanted to make him think that they were talking to somebody important.
2:38
Was it just you?
2:39
It was my mom.
2:42
I gave him her number and she patched me in, you know, hello, who is this?
2:46
Like I didn't know who was calling, you know, I will.
2:49
You're like, sorry, I just got off the phone with my last job interview.
2:52
Yeah, sorry.
2:53
I've had interviews back to back all day long.
2:55
Like, who is this again?
2:56
I don't even know if I have time.
2:59
Let me just, let me just make it work.
3:00
Yeah.
3:01
So that's how I handled that.
3:02
Um, obviously past flying colors, um, got to the physical, not, no, not physical.
3:08
They did a physical on you.
3:12
Got to the in-person interview.
3:14
A key there is just shaking their hands.
3:17
Listen, here's the thing.
3:18
I know you said shake, but it sounds like you said shaving your hands.
3:21
Yeah.
3:22
Well, I don't know if y'all heard that either.
3:23
You notice there's Nara hair on my hand and that's because I shave these every day.
3:30
Yeah.
3:31
They suck your hand and they're like, Oh my goodness.
3:33
Are you an infant?
3:34
It's so smooth.
3:35
When were you born?
3:36
And then you started doing punches to show how aerodynamic they are.
3:42
Yeah.
3:43
You should see me in the water.
3:44
Start doing some kind of like karate chops.
3:48
I'm obviously, I'm sure they were impressed.
3:50
They didn't, they didn't come out and say it, but you can kind of tell how they look.
3:53
They were, they were into it.
3:54
They're like, I'm going to go home and tell my wife about this.
3:56
Yeah.
3:57
Yeah.
3:58
So you, uh, you shake their hand with shaved hands with shaved hands.
4:01
Yeah.
4:02
He is just a not let go.
4:05
Don't let them, don't let them let go.
4:07
If they try to, you take your other hand, grab their wrist, push it back into that handshake.
4:12
You keep them in that handshake until probably the end of the interview.
4:15
It shows that you're committed, that you're loyal.
4:18
Yeah.
4:19
And that you have sweaty palms.
4:20
And I tell them also when they talk about the loyalty, I say like, I've got the loyalty
4:25
of a dog.
4:26
And then I go sit down by their feet while holding their hand.
4:31
You beg for treats.
4:32
I look up and just kind of, yeah, yeah.
4:34
I just kind of whine a little bit.
4:35
Give them the eyes.
4:36
Yeah.
4:37
Yeah.
4:38
Do you spin around when you find your spot?
4:39
Yeah.
4:40
Yeah, I just got to, I just got to make sure that I'm landing in the spot.
4:44
That's best for me.
4:45
Yeah.
4:46
That's man.
4:47
That's as interview speak.
4:48
No wonder you got the job.
4:49
So as you start Monday, what's your, um, what's your strategy for your entrance?
4:54
Because I think every notable person has a big entrance.
4:57
Yeah.
4:58
I think, um, probably a good walkout song might be good.
5:01
And maybe you guys could help with that.
5:03
What do you think would be a good walkout song for when I first enter the building?
5:05
I'm gonna go with man.
5:06
I feel like a woman by Shania Twain.
5:09
Okay.
5:10
I'm not in the right direction, but I'm still on board with it.
5:13
What are you wearing?
5:14
High waisted denim for sure.
5:16
And then probably like a flannel shirt, but it's tied in a knot sort of above my belly
5:20
button.
5:21
Yeah.
5:22
You've become the office flirt there.
5:26
Every one of those guys are like, this guy's easy.
5:28
You got a backwards baseball cap on kind of looking like a league of their own situation.
5:34
Well, they made the right hire.
5:36
I think.
5:37
I think so.
5:38
I don't know about your work ethic or the quality of work you might do, but any guy
5:42
that comes dressed in some tight, high waisted jeans and a cropped flannel shirt, that's
5:48
the guy you want to do.
5:49
Yeah.
5:50
Yeah.
5:51
You need some eye candy.
5:53
You want to turn around from your computer in that cubicle and just be able to look over
5:57
at Alan washing a hot rod.
5:59
Inside the building?
6:02
In the middle of the office.
6:06
Oh no.
6:07
It is a car parts store.
6:08
Yeah.
6:09
Like it looks like the scene from Transformers with Megan Fox.
6:13
The steam coming out.
6:15
Yeah.
6:16
The steam's coming.
6:17
It is just him slow motion.
6:19
People are like, how is he slow motion right now?
6:21
He is.
6:22
I thought you were going to say I was Shia LaBeouf in that, in that.
6:24
No, no.
6:25
You're Megan Fox in that scenario.
6:26
Well thank you.
6:27
Thank you for the confidence.
6:29
Oh yeah.
6:31
But you watching that car, it's sparkly clean, but you keep watching it just for the sake
6:36
of morale in that office.
6:38
Why don't you do that here?
6:39
Go in and go, go get it, go out, go to the studio, go get dressed and come back in and
6:42
wash a hot rod for me, Evan and Perry.
6:45
And where should I, where should I pull it in at?
6:46
Just straight through.
6:48
Right through the wall.
6:49
Just straight through.
6:50
It's going to need washed after that.
6:52
Definitely, definitely.
6:53
But while, you know, you guys, you know, come in here, do some radio.
6:57
I'll be, I'll be out there washing the car.
6:59
And by out there, I just mean in the doorway washing the car.
7:02
Yeah.
7:03
I was like, we want to see you.
7:04
Yeah.
7:05
Because my morale is low and I want my morale to be high.
7:06
I don't like where this is going.
7:08
I don't like where this is going.
7:09
But congratulations on the job.
7:11
Well thank you.
7:12
Welcome back Perry.
7:13
Welcome to question of the tour.
7:14
Let's do some hypotheticals.
7:15
Do you feel left out?
7:16
Do you feel left out?
7:17
I thought you were going to thank you after a welcome.
7:20
Let me, let me restart.
7:24
Congratulations on the job, Alan.
7:26
Welcome back Perry.
7:28
Evan's here.
7:29
Welcome to question of the tour.
7:33
Let's do a hypothetical.
7:34
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
7:40
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
7:44
Well that's a hypothetical question.
7:46
All right.
7:47
So for our hypothetical for today, we are going to discuss what y'all would do when
7:52
y'all go to the doctor's office.
7:54
And I realize we don't go to the doctor's office a lot because our immune systems are
7:58
that of the American military.
8:02
Nothing gets by us.
8:03
You know, there's no surrender.
8:05
We spend billions of dollars instead of spending billion dollars on education.
8:11
Ignore that southern border though.
8:12
Yeah.
8:13
But our immune systems are like also like the coast guard.
8:17
Like we not, we don't really care about them at all.
8:19
It's not our top priority and we kind of forget about it.
8:23
Nobody thinks about it till it's an emergency.
8:25
Right.
8:26
But because, because we have strong immune systems, we don't go to the doctor very often.
8:30
But what do y'all do?
8:31
What do y'all do when y'all go to the doctor?
8:32
Yeah, so I go to the doctor every once in a while, obviously, because I'm human.
8:36
And if you didn't know this about me, I'm pretty self conscious.
8:40
Let's get it out on the mic.
8:42
That's a great place to.
8:43
It's the impotence, but all right.
8:48
Is that what you go to the doctor?
8:49
No, no, no.
8:50
You don't go to the doctor for that though.
8:52
No, I don't.
8:53
You just let it hang.
8:54
What do you do for fun?
9:00
I just am impotent.
9:02
It's on my driver's license.
9:05
Organ donor heart next to it.
9:08
There's one organ you don't want.
9:10
But yeah, when I, when he asked for my medical issues, I list down impotence and he asked
9:15
like, do you want to talk about that?
9:16
And I said, no.
9:17
So I always bring it up.
9:18
You mark it down though.
9:19
I bring it up, but I don't get it fixed.
9:22
So when he starts kind of going through like, oh, like he does, you know, some blood panels
9:26
and he gets the results back and he starts going through kind of like what's, what's
9:29
suboptimal.
9:30
And I just get so embarrassed.
9:31
I start making fun of him back.
9:33
Yeah.
9:34
You get insecure.
9:35
You're like, yeah, if he's, if he's like, sir, your, uh, your, your iron levels were
9:39
a little low.
9:40
I said, well, your wife's looking a little heavy recently.
9:43
You really hit low just because your iron levels low.
9:52
Yeah.
9:53
I hate it.
9:54
My own mind.
9:55
I'm going to donnis.
9:56
I can't handle it.
9:57
Yeah.
9:58
I'm sure you're saying I'm going to donnis while you're like impotence.
10:02
Let's write that down.
10:04
But he says, let's look at what's, what'd you say?
10:07
Subpar sub maximal suboptimal suboptimal.
10:10
Like you're a transformer that he's tinkering with.
10:13
Okay.
10:14
Sorry.
10:15
I use English.
10:16
Like he's looking at a computer with a bunch of graphs and things that are moving around.
10:23
He's like the stock market.
10:24
Yeah.
10:25
Like this, this model is suboptimal.
10:27
But yeah, yeah.
10:28
And he's like, well, your BMI is, you know, higher than it should be.
10:31
That might be an issue.
10:32
Um, you know, I hit him back with the, well, your hair was a little fresher last time I
10:37
saw you.
10:38
Did you shower?
10:39
Oh man.
10:40
Wow.
10:41
Got a low there.
10:42
What if he goes, what if he's like, um, man, you're, uh, you are not taking care of your
10:46
type two diabetes and we're going to have to remove one of your feet.
10:50
What's your response to that?
10:52
Well, firstly, that's an, uh, cup on me.
10:54
No, it hasn't even telling you for months that you need to take care of this.
10:58
I ignore them.
10:59
So I immediately tell him he hasn't told me about it.
11:03
And then I say, well, if you're the doctor, that makes sense.
11:06
But I got to have something to return.
11:08
Oh, so I get out the leverage.
11:10
Yeah.
11:11
I get the pliers.
11:12
I say either the toenail or the tooth and he's going to give me one of them.
11:15
It's nice of you to give him a choice.
11:17
You're like a voodoo witch.
11:21
What do you need the tooth for?
11:22
Yeah.
11:23
I do spells.
11:24
I'm making a necklace.
11:25
It gets a diabetes to go away.
11:29
Yeah.
11:30
You come in next time without a foot, you come down with a Silas necklace of either
11:35
teeth or toenails.
11:36
And how does that work out?
11:37
Like, you know, does the doctor just quit reading your, your charts?
11:41
He's like, I can't take this anymore because he has a lot of problems.
11:45
There's so many things I'm going to read off here.
11:48
Yeah.
11:49
I got my panel is just got read everywhere, read problems everywhere.
11:53
So you live a very unhealthy life.
11:54
Yeah.
11:55
Eventually it told me not to come back and I just wanted to do doctor and start a reputation
11:59
around town.
12:01
But it's good.
12:02
You get to use all the same comebacks.
12:03
It's true.
12:04
I get to, you know, I never rethink anything.
12:06
Yeah.
12:07
I get to kind of workshop them with certain doctors and then I come in there with a chart
12:11
also, flip the paper over the clipboard and be like, Oh, this one works better for this.
12:16
Yeah.
12:17
I have the code on and everything.
12:18
Okay.
12:19
Yeah.
12:20
Now you're, we're sure that your chart doesn't follow you.
12:23
It does follow me a hundred percent.
12:24
Okay.
12:25
So they know.
12:26
So that, so that first doctor might've, might've written something down like a aggressive with
12:30
comebacks, you know?
12:32
Yeah.
12:33
I have a list of complaints against impotent, a lot of impotence, but that's the least of
12:39
his problems.
12:40
But that makes it sound like if the doctor writes impotent over and over again, that
12:43
makes it sound like he was expecting something else when you came in.
12:46
Like he was trying to turn you on and he just, he was frustrated that he couldn't do it.
12:50
He left with bad self-esteem because like, nobody finds me sexy.
12:56
Part of the checkup.
12:57
Sometimes I, if my understanding is correct, is they have to go through certain checklists
13:00
with the patient to say, they talked about how heart health and stuff like that.
13:03
One of them is turned on.
13:06
It's always no, never.
13:10
We both leave crying.
13:13
How many more, like you're not going to the doctor office very much anymore.
13:16
Probably.
13:17
I've been run out of most of them, which is concerning considering the amounts of health
13:22
issues you have.
13:23
How long are you living?
13:26
I'm not living much longer.
13:30
You walked in here with like a EKG machine and I'm watching those little waves slowly
13:37
deteriorate.
13:38
Yeah.
13:39
They're, they're coming to an end soon.
13:40
There you go.
13:42
Perry just insults the doctor for caring, for doing his job.
13:45
Perry is like, ah, and let it be known he's impotent.
13:49
Don't talk about it to him though.
13:51
Tuck, tuck that fact away back in your mind.
13:53
He wants you to know, but don't you dare bring it up to him.
13:57
What do y'all do when y'all go to the doctor?
13:59
Something I like to do is I just like to keep what's in me in me.
14:05
So I like to bring blood with me.
14:08
I don't want them to have to go through the whole process of sticking a needle in me and
14:12
trying to get the blood out and I see the blood's coming out and all that.
14:16
I'm just going to give you some.
14:19
You bring the blood with you, which is smart.
14:21
I think it's efficient, but you also said you like to keep the blood in you.
14:26
Whose blood, whose blood do you bring if you don't like the blood to exit?
14:31
That depends.
14:32
Depends on what day my appointment is on and kind of what I can find on the street.
14:35
They say to fast before your appointments to make sure all your levels are at their
14:39
normal levels and they're not spiked.
14:40
So I go fast down the road and I hit whatever I can.
14:47
You go fast.
14:48
I go really fast.
14:50
You like his doctor's orders.
14:52
I'm on the doctor's orders.
14:54
My glucose has got to be right.
14:57
So I'm going fast down the road.
14:59
Whatever walks out in front of me, that's whose blood I'm taking with me.
15:01
So you like hit a raccoon, you step out of the car and you wring it out like a wet towel.
15:08
You know how you can classically just wring blood out of something.
15:12
So like the doctor will sometimes do blood tests where they take your blood, but they
15:15
also sometimes ask for urine.
15:17
You get it the same way?
15:18
I bet you sneak up while a homeless man is peeing and you sneak a sample.
15:24
Do you sneak a sample?
15:26
What do you mean by sample?
15:28
A urine sample.
15:29
Like imagine, you know, what do you think?
15:33
Yeah.
15:34
Well, because you go to like Sam's or something and you walk by one of those ladies in the
15:38
aisle.
15:39
You want a full course urine.
15:40
You don't want to sample urine.
15:41
Well, I just didn't want to make sure you weren't talking about a sample from a homeless
15:45
person with a gallon jug.
15:47
I just want to make sure you weren't talking about like a tasting, you know, like, oh,
15:52
I mean, I listen, whatever you, whatever you stick out of that bush to get, because if
15:57
I got to slide under there and just like get a little bit on my tongue, it's too ripe.
16:01
You know, it's just not there yet.
16:03
You look up, you need to drink more water.
16:06
We should have let this sit for a bit.
16:09
It's got to age.
16:14
As ridiculous as that is, why don't you just fill it up and then drink it out of a container?
16:19
Why do you?
16:20
That's your question?
16:21
I'm just saying, I'm just saying if you're going to drink a homeless man's urine, there's
16:26
easier ways.
16:28
I have, I know it works.
16:29
These are the ways of old and I'm just going to keep doing it.
16:32
These are the ways of old.
16:34
I imagine you take one of those scooter things that mechanics use and you just look like
16:40
a turned over turtle just scooting around under homeless men's hoping they need to relieve
16:47
themselves.
16:48
What a sight that must be for Joe on the block.
16:53
Also classic, I don't think homeless people would care.
16:56
No, it's just another day for them.
16:58
You're not the first person to have done whatever you're doing to them.
17:01
They'll probably just ask me for a dollar for it.
17:04
If it's not you, it's going to be somebody else.
17:07
Is that what you do?
17:08
The question is in the end, is that what happens to collect your urine sample?
17:13
Is that simple?
17:14
There's nothing else.
17:15
There has to be container.
17:18
There has to be container because you got to take it to the doctor.
17:20
What's your vessel of choice?
17:22
Two cup pans.
17:23
Oh no.
17:24
Like the doctor's like, the doctor's like, can I get a urine sample from you?
17:32
You just like, you look like Oliver Twist saying more please with your cup pans.
17:40
It is leaking everywhere.
17:42
Like it's a trail from the entrance to the doctor's office.
17:45
Usually have to check in and like right in there.
17:46
You sign.
17:47
Everyone's like, hold on, let me transfer to one hand.
17:50
It's going to be dicey.
17:52
Give me a minute.
17:53
Hold this for me.
17:54
Yeah.
17:55
They, they just kind of let me through.
17:58
I just get to the back as soon as I can.
18:00
That was because they're not going to fiddle with you.
18:02
I mean, imagine you're what, what's the greatest interaction you're going to have with somebody
18:07
that's cupping urine.
18:08
You're not going to talk to them.
18:10
You're not going to mess with them.
18:11
You're not going to, you're not going to ask, Hey, why are you cupping urine?
18:14
No, it depends on where I'm at.
18:16
You're a scared little boy.
18:18
You need to toughen up.
18:20
When you see a man holding urine in his hands, you know that that man's been through some
18:24
things like streams of urine to tell.
18:26
He has, he knows things.
18:28
But here's the thing though.
18:29
You don't have a story, but you don't know that as a, I'm on Evan's side on this.
18:33
Thank you.
18:34
As a stats thing.
18:35
Well, it is now as a podcast host, your first and foremost responsibility to us and our
18:44
listeners is journalism.
18:46
I cannot believe I'm getting a lecture.
18:48
You need to be asking the tough questions.
18:51
I cannot believe I'm getting a lecture from two people standing on the side of ask people
18:56
about the urine hands.
18:58
There's people getting bombed in Kiev right now trying to report on it.
19:02
And you're scared to ask a little man about pee in his hands.
19:05
It's a little man now.
19:07
You got home field advantage.
19:15
I don't know when this podcast became a competition.
19:17
I didn't know there was a competition for asking guys about pee hands.
19:21
Listen, people that hold pee in their hands, they've been trained for years on just the
19:27
traditional way to carry urine.
19:30
There's no way you're not schizophrenic.
19:34
They know things that will by God, it will boggle your mind.
19:37
And which country did that originate from?
19:39
Argentina.
19:40
Okay.
19:41
Tell me one thing that'll boggle my mind then as a, a fellow pee score, man.
19:47
Are you sitting down?
19:48
Yeah.
19:49
Yeah.
19:50
I'm better be.
19:51
Cause what I'm about to tell you, it's about to rock your world so hard.
19:54
Not for Perry though.
19:55
He's impotent.
19:56
Please tell me he'll try anything.
20:00
Did you know that if you can hold just a whole wad of pee in there for more than 10 minutes,
20:07
it'll lengthen your lifespan by 32 years.
20:10
Oh my God.
20:12
Also what you did a measurement as a wad of pee.
20:15
A crumpled up group of pee.
20:17
Are you so dehydrated that your urine comes out as gelatinous?
20:23
It is why I have to go to the doctor.
20:27
I forgot.
20:28
That's what we're talking about.
20:29
Yeah.
20:30
I'm getting pretty concerned about it.
20:32
So you know, let's get back on track here.
20:36
So you come in with a bucket of roadkill blood and homeless men urine.
20:40
What happens next?
20:41
Like what's the rest of the doctor visit?
20:43
Like, do they take that sample?
20:44
Well, I don't tell them where I get it from.
20:46
So they ask.
20:47
I tell them it's mine.
20:49
Okay.
20:50
And I say, you will not stick me with that needle young man.
20:54
Oh, even though he's probably like 74.
20:58
He likes to hear young men.
21:00
So they do the blood work on it and they're like, your charts are just unlike nothing
21:05
we've seen before.
21:07
Your sugar levels, not human.
21:09
It's because you eat sugar straight out of the bag like popcorn.
21:12
But these aren't his level.
21:13
Yeah.
21:14
Oh gosh.
21:15
The guys, the raccoon testing, ate a bunch of sugar out of a trash can.
21:19
So you have, you have the charts of a dying raccoon.
21:22
Yeah.
21:23
People have told me that all my life and now it's finally true.
21:26
So of course the doctors are trying to tell me how I could change my life and all that
21:31
have better eating habits and all that stuff.
21:33
So it's kind of just how it goes.
21:34
And I take their advice and move on with my, they immediately try to put you on hospice,
21:39
don't they?
21:40
They're like, I can't be 30 days.
21:42
Yeah, try to put me in intensive care at first.
21:44
And then I was like, no, it's too much work for everybody.
21:48
Go out and die in a field.
21:50
Yeah.
21:51
You have AIDS rabies.
21:52
Just curl up somewhere.
21:53
You want from me?
21:55
No, it's just the emotion behind that last year.
22:01
Just let it pass.
22:03
So I think between you and Perry, you're going to, you're going to die pretty soon.
22:07
Cause yeah, the raccoon might have worse labs than you, but you're not healthy.
22:13
You're dying soon too.
22:14
You're on your way out.
22:15
You would think, Hey, he's going in there cause he knows he's unhealthy, but he doesn't
22:19
give him any of his own blood.
22:21
So he can't change it.
22:22
What's the point of being here?
22:24
You just go in there to give him raccoon blood and homeless person pee.
22:27
I'm just there to give the doctors a pee.
22:29
Okay.
22:30
Okay.
22:31
You're helping the economy.
22:32
I'm just trying to get the economy moving.
22:33
You know, there's no way a guy that is picking up roadkill off the road.
22:37
Which should be talking anything about the economy.
22:39
Cause you don't know how to use money.
22:41
If you don't, if you're not making any money with this, or giving any money, I'm saving.
22:48
There's no way you have insurance.
22:49
Do you have insurance?
22:50
I don't have to answer that.
22:53
Okay.
22:54
Okay.
22:55
Listen, you're dying.
22:56
Perry's dying.
22:57
At least you're dying hard though.
22:59
Alan, what, what are you doing?
23:02
What are you doing in the doctor's office?
23:04
I'm coming to this doctor with my problems, but I'm going to first come to him with a
23:07
little bit of a solution.
23:09
I used to be an alcoholic, stop drinking.
23:11
I've substituted my drinking though with antifreeze.
23:16
Still gives you that kind of needed buzz, but it's not alcohol.
23:21
So I'm kind of trying to, trying to get with the doctor, meet up and say, Hey, how is this
23:25
for me?
23:26
Is this good?
23:27
And is there an alternative that I should be doing?
23:29
But you do antifreeze before you ask that question.
23:31
Yeah.
23:32
Yeah.
23:33
I'm doing it now.
23:34
You know, I know the side effects.
23:36
Um, I just want to get a medical opinion on it.
23:38
And he goes that buzz you feeling is not your brain being altered like alcohol.
23:43
It's your nervous system is shutting down.
23:45
Yeah.
23:46
All right.
23:47
So if I had some side effects, any, I could list off for you.
23:50
Could you tell me if that's really the antifreeze or not?
23:53
Number one impotence.
23:56
No, weirdly it's, it's not a, it's not a side effect.
24:00
It goes the other way.
24:01
Alan is full mass.
24:05
Some guys have it all hair loss.
24:09
No, no hair loss.
24:11
Weird hair growth though.
24:14
I've got some of the hairiest elbows you have ever seen.
24:18
So essentially Alan looks like a horny big foot.
24:22
Um, extended toenail growth.
24:26
Yeah, but only on the big toe and it grows.
24:30
I'm gonna, I'm going to say probably five times as fast as the other.
24:33
Oh my gosh.
24:34
And I have not trimmed yet.
24:36
How'd you get those shoes on?
24:40
I've got a slit that I cut in the front.
24:43
It's just a toenail.
24:44
So that toenail could sneak out.
24:47
It seems easier to cut the toenail.
24:50
Like a hobbit.
24:51
Uh, lastly, divorce.
24:52
Is that a question?
24:56
The alcoholism was going to, would have been the cause for divorce.
24:59
It's kind of like, you know, you gotta, you gotta get off the bottle.
25:02
I said, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to make a change.
25:05
Let me put you in the mind of a woman period before Alan hairless, not hard all the time.
25:13
Toenails a little bit more trimmed on a scale of one to 10, where are you getting divorced
25:18
with him?
25:19
Probably in the middle, right?
25:20
Like in the middle.
25:21
Now let me give you a new Alan.
25:23
Harry seventies macho man Harry.
25:27
Taking salsa classes.
25:28
Yeah.
25:29
Like almost too Harry.
25:30
It's almost too Harry.
25:31
Yeah.
25:32
Gotcha.
25:33
Rock hard all the time.
25:34
Don't else exceeding rate.
25:37
Are you getting divorced in that man?
25:42
No.
25:43
Yeah.
25:44
Okay.
25:45
Well, there's the answer.
25:46
If you let the toenail grow, it becomes more like petrified rock calcified.
25:51
So yeah, based on these answers, I probably, yeah, probably should try antifreeze.
25:56
I would say so.
25:57
I'm not gonna hear you out the rest of the story, but I'm sure it's got a great ending.
26:01
We'll find out.
26:02
How's the antifreeze going that you go in the doctor's office and they're like, you're
26:07
a miracle modern medicine.
26:09
You've consumed more chemicals than I've ever seen.
26:12
How are you still living?
26:13
Like how do they handling that?
26:14
I say I'm living my best life.
26:17
Yeah.
26:18
How am I still living?
26:19
I can now see triple triple triple what?
26:23
Just seeing triple.
26:24
I'm seeing, I'm seeing three of everything.
26:26
That did not seem like an advantage.
26:31
That's what, that's what antifreeze does for you.
26:33
How many families have you T-boned at an intersection because you couldn't figure out which vehicle
26:38
not to hit?
26:39
Just any number times three will probably do the trick.
26:43
Also, that's a common thing from alcoholism too.
26:46
Yeah, but it's always three with me.
26:48
Okay.
26:49
It's consistent.
26:50
And it's more like, I like to think that when I'm on antifreeze, it's a heightened sense
26:54
of awareness.
26:55
Whereas, you know, alcoholism, you know, you're, you're stumbling through.
26:57
It's a downer.
26:58
It's yeah.
26:59
Yeah.
27:00
You're, you're seeing people, but they're all a blur.
27:02
I've got this heightened sense of awareness, seeing triple, smelling double.
27:09
Tasting?
27:10
How are we feeling?
27:13
I have no taste now.
27:15
That's because of the antifreeze.
27:17
I think chemicals have chemically burn off your taste buds.
27:21
It has burned off all of the taste buds.
27:23
So basically you're walking around, you're seeing rings of light and color around people
27:29
as you move through reality.
27:30
Now does that make me some sort of possible superhero?
27:34
Maybe.
27:35
Yeah.
27:36
I'm thinking, I'm thinking it could.
27:38
I'm just kind of wishing that there'd be a little bit more crime in the area for me to
27:41
be able to stop.
27:42
Do you feel like you just move a little bit better in winter now?
27:45
You just don't get as cold.
27:47
Yeah, I kinda, I, I can just melt ice.
27:50
I've got, I've, I've had so much antifreeze.
27:52
You've had that in quality other people can do?
27:55
No.
27:56
No?
27:57
Not like him.
27:58
Not like me.
27:59
Not like me before.
28:00
His body temperature was just so low before.
28:03
I have so much antifreeze coursing through my veins that I, I just, I radiate heat.
28:10
The doctor's like, that's called a fever.
28:12
Your body's actively fighting something inside of it.
28:15
But then I said, but look what I can do with this ice.
28:16
And then I just start hot breathing on it.
28:19
Yeah, the doctor's like, I can't believe it's melting.
28:23
And then I look him in the eye and I go, sometimes I think the patients should be the doctors.
28:29
And he's like, what?
28:32
But you know, I think, I think it's been an improvement in my life.
28:38
And I just needed somebody in the medical community to validate me.
28:42
If he's not going to do that though, there are plenty of other doctors around.
28:45
I'll find another doctor.
28:47
Ask Perry.
28:48
There's a thousand of them.
28:49
Here.
28:50
He's got a list.
28:51
I'm going to consult his list.
28:52
That's good.
28:53
We're not going to have a podcast by next week.
28:54
You all are going to die.
28:55
We'll be dead.
28:56
Let's do the last one.
28:57
Dead's will roll.
28:58
Really?
28:59
I'm just, it's coming to light how unhealthy we are.
29:01
Yeah.
29:02
You really hyped us up at the beginning of this too.
29:03
Yeah.
29:04
But that, I was ignorance.
29:05
That was out of ignorance.
29:06
There you go.
29:08
We're all going to die.
29:09
Like none of us are making it next week.
29:11
I don't even know if I should frame this as advice.
29:13
Don't go to the doctor.
29:14
Tell them your elements.
29:17
Try to work things out.
29:18
Don't do better than us.
29:21
Do what we do.
29:24
But anyway, we're going to try the new segment today and we have the honorable, the honorable
29:30
and esteemed Savannah is back on the pod.
29:34
Welcome back Savannah.
29:35
Thanks.
29:36
Happy to be here.
29:37
Yeah.
29:38
So convincing.
29:42
So what our new segment is going to be, it's going to be like an old school seventies day
29:46
dating.
29:47
So where you have an eligible bachelor, a bachelorette on one side and then multiple
29:52
suitors gunning for a chance for love.
29:56
So today Savannah is going to be the eligible bachelorette and she's going to be dating
30:00
three hunky, four, four hunky.
30:04
No there's three.
30:05
There's three.
30:06
Who's the not hunky person here?
30:08
That's what Savannah is here to find out.
30:09
There's going to be four hunky men gunning for, gunning for love.
30:15
So let's jump into it.
30:24
All right.
30:25
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to QD and me here as our eligible bachelorette.
30:31
We have Savannah.
30:32
Oh, hi.
30:33
Hi.
30:34
All right.
30:37
And introducing our first bachelor, we have Evan.
30:42
Evan, tell us a little bit about yourself.
30:44
Hey guys.
30:45
I'm Evan.
30:46
Do you have an accent?
30:48
I'm from a little town in the north.
30:53
Little fun fact about me here is I've had maybe 13, well now 14 kidney stones.
31:08
Bachelor number two, Zach.
31:10
Hi, my name is Zach.
31:12
My fun fact is I have had 14 vasectomies and reversal vasectomies.
31:21
Bachelor number three, Perry.
31:23
Hello.
31:24
I have personally memorized every episode of Game Show Network's baggage.
31:31
If you like someone with a good memory, I'm your guy.
31:36
And bachelor number four, Alan.
31:38
Hey y'all, how's it going?
31:40
Oh, you have an accent too.
31:46
My name's Alan and I've got three open wounds currently.
31:54
All right.
31:55
Now that we've met our bachelors, Savannah, take it away.
31:59
Say thanks.
32:00
Thanks, host.
32:01
A lot of medical issues in the room tonight.
32:09
Let's kick it off with some questions.
32:12
We'll start with bachelor number one.
32:14
Evan, what's your idea of a romantic evening?
32:18
Yeah, I mean, it's just me and my three roosters hanging out on the top of the chicken coop,
32:25
kind of seeing what we can get into.
32:29
Not a female presence there, I guess.
32:39
Okay.
32:40
Bachelor number two, what is your idea of the perfect marriage proposal?
32:45
I like to go up to a high place and see if I can push you off of it.
32:52
But then you would propose.
32:53
Oh yeah, yeah.
32:54
If I didn't actually succeed, I guess.
32:55
If she makes it.
32:56
Interesting.
32:59
Okay.
33:02
Bachelor number three, do you believe in love at first sight?
33:08
That's actually pretty offensive as I'm legally blind.
33:13
I can see shapes and colors, but not much besides that.
33:17
So I would say if I could see you, it's a modern miracle.
33:21
So yes.
33:28
Okay.
33:29
A little rag tag bunch here.
33:34
Bachelor number four, what are your best qualities?
33:36
I think my best quality is I can stick an egg in my mouth, crack it and eat the yolk
33:40
and spit the shell out.
33:42
Egg eating snake.
33:45
It's a party trick.
33:49
That's interesting.
33:57
Any woman would be lucky to witness that.
34:07
We'll just keep going in order.
34:08
Back to bachelor number one, Evan, what are you looking for in a woman?
34:13
Well, yeah, I mean, I think it's just the normal stuff.
34:16
She's got to have legs, arms, three small moles on the lower back.
34:23
I mean, there's got to be hair growing out of them, of course.
34:27
Men, you can only agree.
34:29
They got very vague and then very specific.
34:34
I know what I'm looking for.
34:36
And yeah.
34:39
Three moles?
34:44
I do have arms and legs, so we're going two out of three.
34:48
You guys are a tough bunch.
34:51
Okay.
34:52
Bachelor number two, what do you like to do for fun?
34:54
I like to breathe on people that are sleeping in the night.
34:58
Okay.
34:59
Like strangers, loved ones.
35:03
Whoever has a loose window.
35:05
Whoever forgot to lock a door.
35:11
So crime breathing and entering.
35:18
Okay.
35:21
Bachelor number three, how would you impress your date's friends?
35:25
I would I would memorize as I said, I have a good memory.
35:27
So I'd memorize their names and make sure I could say them backwards.
35:32
And then I would put them into a song instantly that I record at the dinner.
35:36
And then I play it for them live and watch the reaction in front of me.
35:39
If they didn't like it, then she's not the one.
35:43
What a dinner date.
35:46
We're just going to skip over to bachelor number four.
35:49
Number four, how do you comfort someone in a traumatic situation?
35:53
I like to come up to him, like to put my arms around him, just say it could be worse.
35:59
Remember when your granddad died, you were so, so sad.
36:07
It's perspective, perspective, perspective.
36:12
The hug was nice.
36:15
Okay.
36:17
Bachelor number one, if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
36:21
I'd go back to the the first day I enrolled in clown college.
36:26
It was a big day for me.
36:27
My family was all there.
36:29
I think you misunderstood the question.
36:35
I'd like to walk up the steps of clown college one more time and just kind of squeak the
36:40
big red nose at the end of the hallway.
36:43
You know, the big red nose at the end of the hallway.
36:46
The metaphorically.
36:47
Okay.
36:48
Most people would have gone to the graduation of clown college, but he went to orientation.
36:54
Metaphorically squeeze that big red nose one more time just to hear that honk.
37:00
Well, you've got some big dreams there, bachelor number one.
37:05
Okay.
37:06
Bachelor number two, if you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
37:10
Here's what I would do with a million dollars.
37:11
I would walk around naked and pay people not to look at me.
37:16
Okay.
37:17
Sure.
37:18
There's better ways to use that money.
37:21
Bachelor number three, if you were stranded on an island and could only have one thing
37:27
with you, what would it be?
37:29
You sweetheart.
37:30
I'll.
37:31
And a lighter.
37:32
Oh.
37:33
And what?
37:34
And a lighter.
37:35
What do you need those two things for?
37:38
To burn the witch?
37:42
Bachelor number four, what's the most fun thing you've done recently?
37:48
I think the most fun thing is probably working on my barbed wire art.
37:54
I like to make dinosaurs out of barbed wire.
37:58
I have tetanus.
38:00
Where some of the open wounds came from.
38:02
Oh, well that's at least creativity.
38:06
Bachelor number four.
38:07
That's nice.
38:08
All right.
38:09
So that wraps up the question segment of the evening.
38:11
We're going to pass it back over to Savannah.
38:13
Savannah, who do you think you would like to go with after hearing all this information
38:18
from our contestants?
38:19
Thank you, host.
38:20
I just want to real quick say thank you everyone to the bachelors for being here.
38:24
These answers were interesting.
38:26
Not sure where they found you guys, but it's been entertaining.
38:30
I do want to say just in response to this, I think I've decided that I'm now into women.
38:37
Don't think I want to date men anymore.
38:39
So but thank you for all your answers.
38:42
All right.
38:43
Well, that was an unexpected twist, but we hope to have you all tuned in again on QD
38:52
and me.
39:05
Man there you go.
39:06
How did we find wives?
39:09
Because at least for Evan, those are all his real answers.
39:12
Those are answers he gave to Savannah.
39:15
Yeah.
39:16
Originally, they worked the first time.
39:18
I don't know what just happened.
39:20
She put on some kind of show for you guys, but or she just never asked those specific
39:23
questions.
39:24
Yeah.
39:25
You tied her up and locked her in a house.
39:27
Like, well, I mean, maybe the rest of my life is pretty normal.
39:30
Yeah.
39:31
Those three specific questions.
39:32
Yes.
39:33
Weird that they never came up.
39:34
Yeah.
39:35
They just painted you in a bad light.
39:36
Yeah.
39:37
All right.
39:38
So for our next segment, we're going to jump into some movie time.
39:41
So sit back, get some corn and let's have a movie time.
39:45
All right.
39:52
So we're back to doing movie time.
39:54
What we're going to do this week is run through some obscure movies from the seventies and
40:00
the guys are going to come up with what they think this movie is about.
40:04
First up, we've got a Tropic of Cancer.
40:07
Obviously this is an island.
40:08
Yeah.
40:09
Just full of cancer written people.
40:12
It's like a cancer ward.
40:14
People can't stop getting it.
40:16
It's going around like the plague.
40:18
No one knows why.
40:19
I guess that's what the movie about is trying to figure out why all these people have cancer.
40:23
There's no shade.
40:24
No shade.
40:25
It's obviously skin cancer, but they just can't diagnose it.
40:29
Yeah.
40:30
They don't have the doctors to diagnose it.
40:33
Mine was similar though.
40:34
Mine was similar to that obviously for the cancer portion, but I was going to go, it's
40:36
a resort that just has like tanning bed UV lights.
40:42
And as you just move around the resort, your skin just starts to have raised dark moles
40:49
and you eventually have a six month prognosis.
40:51
I immediately thought of some kind of vacation, maybe a time share that only people that are
40:58
cancers can have.
41:00
Like the horoscope?
41:01
Horoscope.
41:02
Yeah.
41:03
Yeah.
41:04
And it's a terrible place because the people that live in the horoscopes are terrible people.
41:06
So they all hate each other and base their life off of the orbit of the sun around our
41:15
earth.
41:16
So cancer thing to do.
41:19
I think this would probably be a revisionist history movie where everything that happened
41:24
in Chernobyl actually happened in Jamaica.
41:26
Oh, I like that.
41:28
That's a good one.
41:29
Yeah.
41:30
Next up we've got the watermelon man.
41:32
I think this is probably a kind of a Ferris Bueller's day out situation where maybe a
41:38
guy plays hooky from work and he puts a series of watermelons in clothes to actually fake
41:44
that he's sitting at his desk.
41:46
But then this watermelon man goes on a little adventure and maybe falls in love and saves
41:50
a baby.
41:51
A lot happening in that story.
41:53
It's a coming of age.
41:54
Yeah, it's a coming of age watermelon.
41:57
You fall in love with a watermelon man at the end.
41:59
I think this is about a watermelon salesman roaming the streets of New York City in his
42:03
little push cart.
42:06
He keeps cars, every wreck that happens, keeps kind of just pushing into his cart, crashing
42:11
into his cart.
42:12
His watermelons keep breaking.
42:15
He can't stay out of trouble with his watermelons and he's always like, my watermelons.
42:21
It's basically a retelling of the cabbage man from Avatar the Last Airbender.
42:27
Or from the standpoint of the watermelon salesman.
42:30
How does it end?
42:31
It doesn't.
42:32
Oh, it goes on for forever?
42:34
It's just a constant battle between him and the streets of New York to keep his watermelons
42:40
intact.
42:42
I think that this one would probably be about a couple who plants a watermelon seed.
42:48
They raise it up into a fully grown watermelon, glue a series of googly eyes and ears to it,
42:55
and they begin to raise it like their own son.
42:57
Obviously it didn't turn out well because the watermelon dies very shortly afterwards.
43:05
Like rots?
43:06
Well, once they realize it's going downhill, they then eat their son.
43:13
It is an incredibly dark picture.
43:18
Next up is Tunnel Vision.
43:20
I think this one's about a guy who just every time he goes to the eye doctor, he's so good
43:26
at the little test on the wall because he just sees a ton of L's.
43:32
And all he can just see is just a bunch of L's everywhere he looks because he has ton
43:37
L vision.
43:38
Wait, he wouldn't be good at the chart then?
43:42
Anywhere there's an L he would be great at.
43:43
Yeah.
43:44
He's like, what do you see on line five L?
43:47
L, L, L. L, L.
43:49
It's kind of about how he spirals and it leads to depression.
43:56
It's not a good wholesome movie, that's for sure.
44:00
I think this movie's about a guy who was previously in Vietnam, spent a lot of time in some tunnels,
44:07
and his eyes got really good at adjusting, but only in tunnels.
44:11
If it's just dark outside, he can't do it.
44:14
But when he's in a tunnel, he can see like a bat.
44:19
He feeds off his claustrophobia.
44:22
I think this is about a movie about an alcoholic submarine captain who while looking through
44:29
his periscope, it gets stuck and it will not come back down into the submarine.
44:33
So he's forced to continue looking in the same direction the periscope is at right now.
44:39
Turn left, I can't see you.
44:41
Keep turning.
44:43
Next up, where have all the people gone?
44:46
I think this is about a person that gets in a pretty horrific car wreck and they don't
44:51
realize they've been blinded by it.
44:53
When they wake up and see people talking, they just think the lights are off.
44:58
They wonder where did all the people go?
45:00
I just heard them talking.
45:02
I think this movie is about somebody that got washed away from a shipwreck and landed
45:10
on an island full of midgets.
45:14
They ask where have all the people gone?
45:21
Does have a lot of talking animals, but there's also a lot of talking people too.
45:26
They're at a football game and the guy's trying to find a bathroom and all these animals
45:31
are around.
45:32
He asks him, he says, hey, I can't find the bathroom.
45:33
And they're like, oh, just go right here.
45:35
You can go wherever you want.
45:36
And he's like, no, where have all the people gone?
45:40
It's a movie completely based around that one line.
45:42
Yeah.
45:43
It's about trying to find the urinal.
45:45
You know, who, uh, who, who plays the dude trying to find the urinal?
45:49
Ashton Kutcher probably.
45:50
Okay.
45:51
Okay.
45:52
Okay.
45:53
Next up, you light my life up.
45:54
I think this movie is a love story where they meet and it is love at first sight and they
46:04
have a great relationship, but slowly it falls apart and ends up the female lead character
46:11
douses the male lead character in gasoline and then sets them on fire.
46:16
It got dark emotionally, but it lit up.
46:19
It was very bright.
46:20
I think this movie is about somebody that is an avid consumer of cereal and their family
46:28
has an intervention and they tell me needs to stop eating all this cereal.
46:33
It's too sugary, too car too many carbs.
46:35
It's really affecting yourself.
46:36
And to show how serious they are, they pull a box of life out of the pantry and light
46:41
it up and they say no more.
46:44
And he watches it burn his eyes, reflect the flames, dig deeper into his addiction.
46:50
Oh, that was different.
46:52
And that's how the movie, the whale started.
46:55
I think you'd be happy.
46:59
Ruining life is that's the worst cereal.
47:01
Yeah.
47:02
How dare you.
47:03
I think it's about a family of arsonists, similar to like the, the way the Adams family
47:07
is just a family of weirdos.
47:09
Yeah.
47:10
It's a nice family of arsonists.
47:13
A family that just ruins people's lives.
47:16
They burn houses down, but they do it together as a family.
47:20
There's a beauty in that.
47:21
There is.
47:22
I think it's about two fierce competitors who are at the height of their competition
47:29
competing in the game of life, the board game life.
47:32
Oh, not the cereal life.
47:35
Not the cereal, the board game.
47:36
They are just at odds.
47:38
They've been at the top of their game, winning all the tournaments back and forth, you know,
47:43
and it comes to a head one day.
47:45
They're duking it out one day, trying to win the cash prize of the fighting each other.
47:50
$50,000.
47:51
Oh my gosh.
47:53
You know how the board game life scene is a competitive scene is.
47:57
Yeah, it's rampant.
47:59
Well, intense.
48:00
Yeah.
48:01
Anyway, the guy who was an underdog ends up losing, does not take it well, sets the entire
48:10
stadium on fire.
48:11
Yeah.
48:12
Okay.
48:13
And the ending scene is just the board game life while everyone's screaming, running around.
48:17
It's just slowly fading away.
48:19
My life up.
48:20
Yeah.
48:21
That's good.
48:22
A lot of arson theme.
48:24
Yeah.
48:25
Don't know where else to go with that one.
48:29
Next up is the eyes of Laura Mars.
48:32
Luna bar.
48:33
I think it's about a movie of a loved one that has died named Luna Mars.
48:39
He was very lucky of Laura Mars and she was very lucky.
48:44
So their family members, instead of bearing her get cremated, they took her eyes and drew
48:48
little dots all over her eyes and use them for dye.
48:52
Go to a, a concedo and win a lot of money.
48:55
I think it's a story about a young woman, a young woman with a muscular issue and she
49:02
can't quite write those eyes.
49:04
She struggled and struggled to dot it right over the top.
49:08
She just keeps missing.
49:12
So she goes to therapy.
49:14
The therapist is Robin Williams.
49:16
Oh, nice.
49:17
He teaches her how to, how to dot an eye, but really teaches her how to dot life.
49:22
So she learns how to write her eyes and she can sign her checks.
49:29
Interesting that, uh, she has a hard time signing her name, Laura Mars that has no eyes.
49:36
I think Laura's a peeping Tom.
49:42
All everybody does is see her eyes in their windows.
49:48
So yeah, the movie just explores that.
49:49
Okay.
49:50
The last one is the wind and the lion.
49:59
I think this is a movie about somebody that has written a very short list about the ways
50:05
they want to die either by a lion or in a hurricane.
50:12
I think this is a movie, a little animated feature about a lion that's trying to race
50:20
the wind.
50:22
So the wind, the lion get at a starting line and they both race each other.
50:27
Um, in the end, I mean, the wind obviously wins, but what they find out is a little bit
50:34
about friendship.
50:36
They learned that winning was really the friends they met along the way.
50:40
Who voices the lion?
50:42
Bruce Willis.
50:45
This is very emotional and inspirational.
50:48
He sees taking a different turn in his career.
50:51
Well, hey, movie time.
50:55
We're all experts on movies that why the fact that Hollywood hasn't contacted us to write
51:00
some scripts is beyond me.
51:02
Nobody's more creative and interesting.
51:07
But as tradition, let's give, let's give the Saturday workers a one liner wisdom.
51:14
You can always tie your shoes, but never wear your shoes as a tie.
51:20
Very wise.
51:23
Just cause a wasp stings you doesn't mean you got to get all red and swollen.
51:32
Control your anger.
51:33
Remember, it's your fault.
51:39
If you find a lump on you, look on the bright side, at least with cancer, you don't have
51:44
to worry about haircuts.
51:47
Wow.
51:49
Perspective.
51:51
Think about it.
51:55
He brings up a good point.
51:57
Oh man.
51:59
That's good.
52:00
Very wise.
52:01
Any hypotheticals you want us to answer?
52:04
Need advice?
52:05
Want us to give facts about a subject?
52:07
Or just want to tell us how much you hate us?
52:09
Questionable detour podcast at gmail.com.
52:11
All right, y'all want to be done?
52:14
911, what's your emergency?
52:17
Yeah, this is a little embarrassing, but I just, I can't get it up.
52:25
Excuse me, sir.
52:30
Can you repeat that?
52:31
Yeah, I can't get it up.
52:35
Sir, you do realize this line is only for emergencies only?
52:40
This, trust me buddy, this is an emergency.
52:44
Impotence ambulance.
52:45
Sir, sir, there's no such thing as an impotence ambulance.
52:50
I've seen them on TV.
52:55
That old guy promised me they were doing an ambulance.
53:00
Sir, just go to the closet, shut the door, wait until the police arrive.