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Why You Might Be Misjudging Your Marriage Needs · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for August 25th, 2026 Why You Might Be Misjudging Your Marriage
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  Needs Before we look at specific marriage needs that we may not be getting in
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  the amount we need, I want to look at a couple of reasons we may not feel a need as we should.
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  I also want to consider reasons we may feel a need more strongly than others, or more than we once did.
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  Stress interferes with our ability to judge what we need. When we're in crisis
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  mode, we ignore a lot of needs. This is good.
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  But if we live in crisis mode, we stop feeling our needs. Being tired all the
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  time has much the same effect.
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  If experience has taught you that you won't get as much of something as you
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  need from your spouse, you may try to protect yourself by lying about how much you need.
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  This works about as well as lying to yourself about how much water you need. Another issue is guilt.
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  If you know you're shortchanging your spouse in some way, you may downgrade
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  what you want from them. You feel you don't deserve as much because of your failure.
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  A similar issue is thinking you need too much of something.
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  Perhaps that comes from comparing yourself to others, or from having bad examples,
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  or from being told you were unreasonable or greedy.
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  So you downplay your need and avoid asking for what you actually need.
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  As is usually true with marriage issues, our past, and specifically our family
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  of origin, can be a factor.
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  If you grew up in a family that didn't give you much touch, you may not be able
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  to feel a need for touch. But it can work the other way.
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  If you were never validated by your parents, you may have an exaggerated hunger for that now.
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  Needing more of something than others is not necessarily the result of a problem.
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  We're all different, and that means that what we need to feel safe,
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  secure, and loved varies.
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  There can also be a greater need for external reasons. When I was working in
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  the Texas heat, I needed far more water than most men because I was sweating so much out.
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  Drinking only what a man sitting in an air-conditioned office needed would have
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  put me in the hospital. Or worse.
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  If you are in a job that drains you, or one of your children is being a real
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  challenge, you may need more of something from your spouse to avoid ending up
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  emotionally exhausted.
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  All this said, why we need more is irrelevant.
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  A small number of people need more sleep than most people. And if they don't
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  get that sleep, it harms them.
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  Why they need more does not change the fact that they need it.
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  If you or your spouse need more touch, affirmation, or conversation than most
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  people, the need is valid and should be met if reasonably possible.
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  Finally, if your goal is to figure out the minimum And give or ask for that
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  You are missing the point Maybe you miscalculated Perhaps there is a temporary
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  increase in the need Or your spouse may be underestimating Or underreporting what they need,
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  Giving more than the minimum creates a buffer It's also a loving,
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  generous way to treat each other,
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  This is Paul And Meaning Needs is doing marriage well.