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The Psychology of Control. Withdrawal · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to this series entitled The Psychology of Control.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Before I start this particular episode, I'd just like to say thank you to the people who've been in contact following yesterday's episode.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm I'm grateful for the observations you've made.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: And for a couple of you you've asked for more information, in the first instance, I would suggest that you go to the Children's Consultancy website, which is thechildren's consultancy.com, where you will find contact details, but also in the resources section, you'll see a series of free downloadable PDFs under the heading of compendium of parenting guides.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: These may be useful.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Alternatively, I think if you have particular concerns, maybe we can signpost you if you if you would like that.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Not entirely sure we're in a position to take on new cases at the moment because we are so incredibly busy, but we'll do our very best to signpost you as we can.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now this episode, whilst following on from yesterday's and indeed the preceding ones, has to do with emotional withdrawal.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm using this in the context of what might be described the silent exercise of power.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now I think it's important to understand that we need to view aspects of these podcasts from different perspectives.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: It would be so easy, I think, to say that they are intended to call people out and maybe to even villainise them, and that really is not the purpose.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I think and in this episode in particular, I want to try and balance up any any presumption that emotional withdrawal is always an exercise of powerful behavior, because not always.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to try and balance that up a bit.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: But in the meantime, I think we need to see how emotional withdrawal uh operates and it's the way it's experienced by those who are withdrawn from.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: As I said before, there are some forms of control that don't leave bruises or evidence.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: There are some that just leave confusion.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And this episode is about the second kind, it's not about shouting and threats and confrontation, but what we might regard as a subtle but nonetheless unmistakable shift in the behavior of the other person.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because one moment they may appear present and connected, warm, responsive, and then the next they appear to be just psychologically gone.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: They're still in the room and they're still talking and they're still functioning, but they're emotionally absent.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you feel it.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not immediately, but you feel it.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: You feel the distance, the coldness, and the kind of withdrawal of emotional connection, and almost instinctively you might begin asking yourself what you did wrong.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so one of the most psychologically powerful forms of relational control is one where the basic requirement for attachment is affected.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Human beings are attachment-dependent creatures, and we're deeply affected not only by obvious conflicts, but by the removal of connection itself.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And in some relationships, withdrawal becomes more than a reaction, it becomes a mechanism, it becomes a way of expressing power, avoiding vulnerability.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or controlling the emotional atmosphere in the relationship.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now the impact of this when somebody suddenly withdraws emotionally is an internalized experience.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: The nervous system reacts, and the mind begins asking, what happened, what changed, what did I do?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And importantly, the absence of clarity intensifies the reaction because uncertainty activates pursuit, you know, the need to find out, to explain.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the individual often begins by seeking reassurance or repairing preemptively or becoming hyper-vigilant and monitoring, you know, one's own behavior.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And their emotional state becomes organized around, restoring connection.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: I use that term organized around a lot.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And this is because, in a way, what we what we try and do is adapt almost neurobiologically to what we're presented with.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's a if this is a pattern of behavior which is destabilizing, it's almost as if we kind of rearrange our thinking, behavior, attitudes to fit that change.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now there's a difference between regulation and control.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I I want to be completely honest here, because healthy people sometimes withdraw temporarily.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: People need space, people become overwhelmed, and everybody regulates differently.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: But and and I really do have a considerable sympathy with that because I think depending upon the ways we're put together and depending upon what we're facing in our lives, our capacity for availability can be compromised.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so for that reason, we may find that we are ourselves perhaps withdrawn, and we withdraw not so much as a a conscious wish, and certainly not to try and control the other person.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Really, we're just trying to survive.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And certainly in my own experience, there have been times when I've felt like I just don't have the room for any more.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: I just I I'm full.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And recovery is what's required, which makes it very hard for me to remain constant, because in my work, you know, I have to be constant all the time.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't regard that as a fault, I regard it as a consequence.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I think one of the things that I try and do is to explain why I'm less available.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't want the other person feeling like it's their fault or it's their responsibility.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes these things aren't really apparent until afterwards when you know a partner says to you or friend says, Where have you been?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: You've just been absent, you think, God, really?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that's different because I think, okay, what we're describing here is rupture and repair.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that is, you know, in my view, that is something that's essential.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I think, you know, the distinction lies in pattern and function, because in healthy relationships, withdrawal is explained and communication returns, and emotional reality remains accessible.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: But in controlling dynamics, withdrawal becomes psychologically loaded because it communicates disapproval, punishment, emotional instability, or conditional connection.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And often nothing needs to be said explicitly.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I remember someone telling me once that her pattern in relationships was to disappear, that there would come a point, particularly with people who were nice to her, where she would disappear.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And uh that disappearance was just a a complete cutoff, leaving the other person in goodness knows what kind of stage.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: But it seemed to me that whilst the behavior could be experienced as or could be could be viewed as cruel, and certainly people on the other end of that would very likely say so, it actually indicated that there was something inside this person that was not actually intending to hurt others, even though she very probably did.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: So for her, this inability to maintain something was was clearly compromised.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Again, though, it's not that you know, I want this is this is another sort of balancing point.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that happens.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I mean and having said that, that's not an excuse.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: It is by by no means, because you still have to pick up the pieces and you have to come back to what you've left and explain yourself and listen to it what how that's been experienced by the other person.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: A bit of an extreme example, but yeah, perhaps a bit of an extreme person, I don't know.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: So in real life expressions of emotional withdrawal, a partner becomes cold after disagreement but insists that nothing is wrong, or you know, stops speaking warmly to a child, perhaps, after being challenged, or someone who was being affectionate becomes distant and unreachable without explanation.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: So there are subtle changes in behavior, some not so subtle.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing is, the other person feels it instantly because emotional withdrawal isn't neutral, it it is relationally communicative.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: In families, this becomes particularly powerful because, as I've said so many times, children are exquisitely sensitive to emotional availability.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: So a child who experiences unpredictable withdrawal will often become hyper-vigilant, anxious, approval seeking, or emotionally overadaptive, because the child learns that something is dangerous psychologically, and so that connection can disappear without warning.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And once a child learns that, they begin organizing themselves around preventing abandon, not through freedom, but through adaptation.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some people use emotional withdrawal consciously, and others do it automatically, but psychologically the effects may be similar.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Withdrawal creates emotional disequilibrium.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: And when somebody repeatedly experiences warmth followed by distance, they begin orientating themselves towards restoring closeness.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Although I have to say, I think there are as as the person begins to realize the pattern, they begin to predict and they step back.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: They may still be there, but they don't engage in the same way.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps their expectations and hopes start to change because they're beginning to see something which is even though they don't completely understand it, they know it doesn't feel too good.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: But this creates a kind of asymmetry because the withdrawing person controls the emotional access.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: And the other person becomes increasingly psychologically organized around regaining or protecting oneself from it.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And what makes it so powerful is that it attacks attachment directly.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And human beings can often tolerate conflict more easily than emotional distance, because conflict is still engagement, and at least you're getting some sense of the other person is there, and it still contains emotional contact, but withdrawal creates something else disconnection, ambiguity, psychological isolation.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then the mind struggles profoundly with emotional absence, especially if earlier attachment experiences contained inconsistency, abandonment, unpredictability, or emotional neglect.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, repeated withdrawal can alter a person's internal world significantly.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: They start suppressing emotion, monitoring themselves, avoiding disagreement, abandoning their own needs, or apologizing simply to restore emotional equilibrium.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they're weak, but because psychologically the relationship has become organized around avoiding disconnection.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And this raises another uncomfortable truth because people who withdraw emotionally aren't always psychologically powerful underneath, and in fact, more often than not, they are quite frail underneath.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: They may give the impression of something else, but it's a bit of a house of cards presentation, I'm afraid.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Often they are defending against vulnerability, shame, emotional dependence, exposure, or even a fear of intimacy itself.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's the anxious, avoidant personality attachment style.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: And withdrawal allows distance, and distance creates control.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Wonderful.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: It also ends relationships.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because intimacy, on the other hand, requires openness, reciprocity, and the capacity to tolerate vulnerability.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: But withdrawal significantly manages to avoid these things entirely.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: The beginning of psychological separation often starts with a simple realization.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: I am constantly trying to restore emotional safety with somebody who repeatedly removes it.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now that recognition matters enormously because we're not talking about single episodes, we're talking about a pattern.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: And once that pattern becomes visible, its power begins to weaken.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: The individual starts reconnecting with instinct, emotional reality, and psychological perspective.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say the individual, I mean the recipient.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: And gradually they stop confusing emotional withdrawal with emotional depth.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy relationships don't require perpetual emotional certainty.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: No relationship can do that.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: But healthy relationships do provide accessibility, repair, communication, and emotional accountability.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't have to psychologically disappear inside a relationship in order to preserve connection.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a relationship.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's being played.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I use that term being played.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because essentially that's what's happening.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's conscious or not isn't really the point.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: To treat somebody in that way is playing them.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's regarding them as if they will fit in with your own narrative.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty dysfunctional.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: And what I would say is if you are a recipient, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it, that person will have a history and a pattern of behaving in that way.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you will see it in lots of scenarios in terms of how they relate to others, how how they talk about others.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: There will be all manner of clues.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: I remember somebody saying that their their husband would punish them with silence and withdrawal.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: And uh my first view of this was, yeah, this is controlled behavior, and it fitted with the rest of the profile that was being offered to me.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: And uh but then little by little she began to describe other people who treated her in the same way friends, family members, people who she would come into contact with and just sort of somehow um that contact would just stop.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: So it seemed to me that what she was saying about her husband's um behavior was actually representative of a much bigger problem.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: People couldn't cope with her for whatever reasons.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: And my guess would be that yes, they used withdrawal as a means of coping, but we also have to remember that some people will use silence, withdrawal, ambiguity in a very conscious kind of way because they want to punish.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: One of the saddest things about emotionally withdrawing systems is that the person pursuing the connection often becomes smaller and smaller psychologically over time.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: They become more careful, more adaptive, more uncertain, until eventually they just stop themselves or they stop asking themselves an essential question, which is basically why must love feel so emotionally unsafe?
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Real intimacy does not depend upon or survive upon emotional starvation.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm reminded of of that phrase, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, it doesn't, it makes it grow colder if it's a pattern.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Intimacy doesn't require confusion and it doesn't repeatedly remove connection in order to maintain power.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy love allows you to remain psychologically present no matter what that looks like, and not permanently afraid of disappearance.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: Children require this from parents, they require that the parent is somebody who can be present, and there are times when we can't.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: But if we return and repair, then that's great.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: And in adult relationships, if you want the relationship to last, then when your partner says to you you're disappearing, why does that happen?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Pay attention because if you don't, then the disappearance will be theirs and permanently.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.