Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Do You Know What Foreplay Is?

Transcript

Do You Know What Foreplay Is? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everyone, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today. I'm going to be talking about
• 0:10
  foreplay. I've written about posts about
• 0:13
  foreplay before and it seems like this is like the greatest
• 0:20
  missing piece of the majority of married sex, people's sex life,
• 0:26
  married and unmarried sex. People married, peoples sex
• 0:29
  life. I bet more people wish that they
• 0:32
  were having enough sex to be called married sex.
• 0:34
  People but anyhow before we get to that, I'd like to tell you to
• 0:38
  subscribe because I'm going to be talking about oral sex on
• 0:41
  women, although possibly not in the manner that you think and
• 0:44
  there's a whole podcast on oral sex on women and lots of other
• 0:49
  podcast episodes that are not free, but that give you a lot of
• 0:54
  extra until about 40 of those so far.
• 0:57
  In the next one. I'm coming up on another
• 0:59
  subscriber. Only because I do about every
• 1:02
  five, I give you a subscriber. Only one.
• 1:04
  What and also if you'd like to join my Facebook group, there's
• 1:07
  lots of people talking about the sorts of things that we talked
• 1:10
  about here and it secret. So you don't have to have your
• 1:15
  friends and family. See if you got some question
• 1:17
  about your sex life or your relationship or women or men or
• 1:20
  whatever that you like, crowd-sourced by people that
• 1:23
  read my stuff and that are you know, generally very supportive
• 1:30
  and nice people that like to think about these issues.
• 1:33
  Anyhow, so we're going to Talk about for place.
• 1:35
  So as I've discussed in the post, that I'll link you to
• 1:38
  foreplay is not a big enough. Part of most married sex with
• 1:42
  people's lives. That was just a joke, married
• 1:45
  people sex lives. So why not?
• 1:49
  Because people don't know what they're doing.
• 1:51
  So let me explain why women are told not to have a lot of sexual
• 1:55
  partners so they don't get enough experience.
• 1:58
  If they listen to that societal mandate and men are told to
• 2:02
  sleep with as many women as possible, which Leads to a bunch
• 2:06
  of one-night stands, where, as I've repeatedly told you guys
• 2:09
  women, don't give men feedback on one night stands there.
• 2:12
  Barely given their husbands feet back after years.
• 2:15
  Why again? I mean, let's just go
• 2:17
  sociologically. Women are taught to be good
• 2:20
  girls. And so, you know, they don't
• 2:22
  want to challenge men and as I've said, they they break
• 2:27
  through this fear in terms of parenting, housework, etc.
• 2:30
  Etc. But the Last Frontier in which
• 2:33
  women do not criticize. Men because they're scared that
• 2:36
  I don't know. It's penis is going to drop off
• 2:38
  her. Something is in the bedroom.
• 2:40
  So ironically women. And also they have no idea what
• 2:43
  the hell, they're saying because most women have had not had a
• 2:45
  lot of sexual experience. So they just know it's kind of
• 2:48
  like their sex isn't that great, but they assume maybe there's
• 2:51
  something wrong with them or that just sex isn't like the
• 2:54
  movies or, you know, the maybe it's something with the guy, but
• 2:58
  they don't really know how to even start telling him.
• 3:00
  They assume that he's going to curl up in a ball and of Shame
• 3:03
  and die if they do tell him. So You see how this can go, it
• 3:06
  can go. So that two people that love
• 3:07
  each other still have never had a conversation about sex.
• 3:10
  We are like she literally just says I do not like X.
• 3:14
  I want you to do X because she has no fucking idea.
• 3:16
  What x is we might as well be talking about calculus in terms
• 3:19
  of X and how much she knows what it is, you know, and that's not
• 3:22
  a woman and math joke, although I am a woman who's not good at
• 3:25
  math. It's just a math joke.
• 3:28
  So, anyhow, the point here is that many people have no idea.
• 3:34
  Yeah, what sex is with sex could be and how good it could be for
• 3:39
  them because they've not experimented enough.
• 3:41
  They've not done any research and they don't have enough prior
• 3:44
  Partners. As I've also said, the people
• 3:46
  that are lucky enough to understand how sex works are
• 3:49
  frequently. Those who had early Partners.
• 3:52
  So especially in high school and college, especially high school.
• 3:56
  A lot of women wait to have intercourse, which means that if
• 3:59
  they have a high school boyfriend, they're doing a lot
• 4:02
  of heavy petting. And this is when a lot of women
• 4:04
  feel Figure out what works for their body.
• 4:06
  And so many many months, if not longer of just foreplay really
• 4:12
  allows a woman to figure out, how she could have an orgasm and
• 4:15
  all of that kind of thing and it teaches a man, how to please a
• 4:19
  woman. Now, a lot of people have not
• 4:20
  had these early relationships or they were in an early
• 4:24
  relationship, but with a woman who did not give any feedback,
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  so then their it's really, they know very little.
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  So if you're a man who thinks that, you know, very much how to
• 4:34
  please women. But yet your wife doesn't like
• 4:36
  to have sex with you. Think about it.
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  Does that make any sense? If you were really good at
• 4:41
  playing the guitar, wouldn't she want to hear you?
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  Play the guitar? More?
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  Probably, there are some men to whom both of these things
• 4:47
  resonate and I urge you to think about them both.
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  Although your sex life is probably a more compelling thing
• 4:54
  that you want to work on versus your guitar playing.
• 4:57
  But yeah, if you're really good at something somebody's gonna
• 5:00
  want you to do it. So try to think about that
• 5:03
  really pragmatically. Lee.
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  I've written a post about that titled.
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  Something like, does your wife really like sex, she would want
• 5:09
  to do it more, I forget, but it was, it was the same point.
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  So anyhow, what is the deficit here?
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  What's going on here? That makes most women not want
• 5:20
  to have that much sex. There's not enough foreplay.
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  Now many men think that oral sex on women as foreplay.
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  That's not for a play. Why is that not for a play?
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  That's X? Y is it sexy?
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  Because you're touching her genitals soon as you're touching
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  her genitals. It's Sex.
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  Okay? Because you're going down on her
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  to have. So she could have an orgasm.
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  I hope not just for two seconds, so that you could get yourself
• 5:43
  excited and feel like you're in a porno.
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  Although there's plenty of guys who do that too.
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  But hopefully, you're going down on her to orgasm, which means
• 5:50
  that she is, is having sex that she's having sex with your
• 5:54
  mouth. So that's X, that's not
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  foreplay. Foreplay would have to come
• 5:58
  before that and before any genital touching at all.
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  So for men, Jenna, Real touching if she's touching your penis
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  and, you know, because it's a solar eclipse or whatever.
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  It's a jokes. A lot of men say that the woman
• 6:13
  doesn't touch their penis at all.
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  Except basically, to show him where to put it when it comes
• 6:18
  time to intercourse. But if you were in a magical
• 6:20
  moment, where your wife is touching your penis that's
• 6:23
  foreplay for you soap. It's not like that for her
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  because that's sex for her. So, what is foreplay for a
• 6:29
  woman? Kissing stroking, breast,
• 6:32
  stimulation, massage? Lots of different things that
• 6:37
  don't involve her genitals. Don't go to her genitals yet.
• 6:40
  So if you go to her genitals you're having sex and you've
• 6:43
  stopped doing foreplay. You're kind of doing foreplay
• 6:46
  for you when you're going down on a woman because you're
• 6:48
  getting really excited. But that means she's having sex
• 6:51
  and you've not had foreplay. So I really you may think I'm
• 6:54
  hammering this home, but it's like a hard point for a lot of
• 6:58
  people to grasp because a lot of men think it makes him an
• 7:01
  excellent lover to be doing all this for play with or Oral sex,
• 7:05
  but that's not for play. So if the minute you get into
• 7:08
  the bed, you do some perfunctory kissing and then you're down
• 7:11
  there at her vagina. It's really no wonder that.
• 7:14
  She doesn't want to have sex because she's not ready.
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  She's not ready yet to have sex. She you there has not been for
• 7:22
  play. So therefore she's not ready for
• 7:24
  you to touch her vagina. So she has to go into some
• 7:26
  magical place in her head where she could kind of get this like,
• 7:30
  movie going on Loop because she's got to somehow a rouse
• 7:33
  herself because You have not waited long enough for her to
• 7:37
  become naturally aroused. There are very few women that
• 7:40
  are going to become aroused in less.
• 7:42
  Then I don't know, 20, 30 minutes, but yet a lot of
• 7:47
  Encounters in their entirety last less than that.
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  So what this means is that the woman is having an orgasm but
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  it's like nowhere near the orgasm that she could have if
• 7:59
  she was actually aroused via foreplay prior to the The
• 8:05
  genital touching. So, of course, a woman.
• 8:07
  Like, if a woman wants to, with a vibrator, she could have an
• 8:10
  orgasm in, like, probably like 60 seconds, you know, if the
• 8:14
  thing is on high enough, it could be 30 seconds.
• 8:16
  But I mean that's not like, that doesn't mean that she had a
• 8:19
  positive sexual experience. And in order to understand that
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  you just have to literally be a man that feels the same, because
• 8:27
  this is what women think in the inverse that leads to so many
• 8:31
  men, having sex lives that are not good, is that He thinks that
• 8:35
  it's all about the orgasm for you.
• 8:38
  So she thinks that you just want to get off and it's penetration.
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  And if she spreads her legs and you guys start to have sex,
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  you're living your best life. Obviously, you're not living
• 8:48
  your best life. If you're with a starfish or I
• 8:51
  recently learned the term pillow princess that me, she just lays
• 8:54
  there like a starfish. But anyway, obviously if you're
• 8:58
  a man, that's the majority of the men that I get and their
• 9:01
  critiques of their sex life and what makes them deeply Sad is
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  that there is not exploration of one another's, bodies Adventure
• 9:08
  eroticism or any real sensuality at all.
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  It's just this really wrote intercourse.
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  So she doesn't want that either. But remember for her you going
• 9:19
  down on her instantly is the same thing as if she is like,
• 9:23
  okay put it in and hurry up because she's then en, once you
• 9:27
  start going down at her she's on the road to orgasm.
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  So there's no more sex. It's just like basically you're
• 9:33
  a vibrator then. And that's it.
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  Like, you know, the the show is on the road already, and it
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  wasn't supposed to be on the road yet.
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  And a man can convince himself that the woman is getting really
• 9:46
  aroused because she's wet. She's wet also remember because
• 9:49
  your mouth is wet. So this is not a talk about this
• 9:52
  in the oral sex podcast. Like this doesn't really mean
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  anything major, the way that guys assume there's a lot of wet
• 10:00
  going on and more of it, maybe you than her.
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  And of course, you like to think that and you're getting excited
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  because it's foreplay for you remember, but not for her sex.
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  That's X for her. So you got to figure out what
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  your wife and your husband. If you're a woman listening to
• 10:17
  this wants for foreplay. Most people have many erogenous
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  zones that have never been touched by their partner or
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  possibly by any partner. And in order to figure this out,
• 10:27
  you need like extensive time. So this means that you're, you
• 10:31
  know, getting an hour or more. For sex and if you're like, I
• 10:36
  can't possibly do that. Then I urge you to look at all
• 10:40
  of my child centered marriage posts forever because and
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  especially in the age of telecommuting.
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  It's a rare couple that has children over the age of one
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  that that can in no way ever get an hour at any time to have sex.
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  I mean that if you feel like you're in that situation, you
• 10:59
  probably not in that situation. There's probably other reasons
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  that you feel like that. It again xiety and or
• 11:07
  ambivalence about being with your partner.
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  And and so either of those could be explored.
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  So let's just say you have an hour because normally you could
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  find that most people in that hour.
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  You should be figuring out what makes each other feel good
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  without genital touching. So we're just talking about
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  foreplay before the playing before sex or oral sex.
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  Any sex? So what does that mean?
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  So that means particular. So it could mean for a man that
• 11:38
  there's going to be more touching of the subpoenas
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  beforehand for a woman. Don't touch her genitals yet
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  unless this is something that she likes as part of for plate,
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  but we are not going to orgasm now.
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  That's not the point. The point is not that the point
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  is to excite the person such that they feel actually ready
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  and like a really want to have sex, not like they really want
• 12:00
  to have sex because they didn't have sex in like 12 days like
• 12:03
  more married. Couples are in that.
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  Relation, then is good. But they really want to have sex
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  because there's like an arousal Arc and they're moving along
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  that Arc and getting closer and closer to a state where that
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  where they can more easily orgasm and also really desire
• 12:21
  sex. So many people don't get there.
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  It goes too quickly from, we are in bed to some form of sex.
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  So in the foreplay period, you figure out the erogenous zones
• 12:33
  of your partner and you touch them all over and you could take
• 12:36
  turns doing this or you can be doing it simultaneously.
• 12:39
  Massage, may be happy. May be a good thing for before
• 12:43
  this even start, especially for women to make them feel relaxed.
• 12:48
  So for a woman and ideal encounter might be a massage and
• 12:51
  then foreplay for both people for like 30 minutes or more,
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  meaning you are touching and stroking and kissing one.
• 12:58
  Another and no. But in her genitals don't get
• 13:02
  touched at all, and then maybe she wants.
• 13:04
  Go down on her and then she wants sex or maybe she doesn't
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  want you to go down on her because so many women don't and
• 13:10
  she just wants you to manually stimulate her.
• 13:12
  Something else that people should learn is how to manually
• 13:16
  stimulate their wife to orgasm. In case she doesn't want oral
• 13:19
  sex because so many women, don't a because you're not good at it
• 13:22
  possibly or be because they don't want you to be that far
• 13:25
  away. Or they start to get anxious
• 13:28
  about how they smell or how they feel or whatever and they would
• 13:31
  rather you be close to them and kissing and manually stimulating
• 13:34
  that. That, of course, remember,
• 13:36
  that's not for play. That would be sex soon as you
• 13:39
  touch her genitals. That's X.
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  So if if you are a woman and you feel like very sensitive to
• 13:46
  touch then you may not have enjoyed foreplay previously
• 13:51
  because the man's trying to do it, you feel splayed out like a
• 13:53
  fish that he just caught the lights are on the fucking air
• 13:57
  conditioners blasting and he wants all your clothes off
• 14:01
  immediately. This not exciting or erotic
• 14:03
  either and I discussed this Lot in my 10 ways to make highly
• 14:07
  sensitive women. Want sex a lot more.
• 14:10
  So that's my very first podcast. So it's easier for you to find.
• 14:13
  So you can go back and listen to that.
• 14:15
  But for many women, if you start with the kissing, and the
• 14:18
  touching and the stroking, even while they're closer on, they're
• 14:21
  going to get too excited that they will themselves.
• 14:24
  Want the clothes to come off and all of that and they will start
• 14:28
  to get excited. You may have actually never seen
• 14:31
  what your wife looks like, when she's very excited, possibly.
• 14:34
  Lie, not in the early stages either because it's ironic in
• 14:38
  the early stages, her hormones were full blast, but you didn't
• 14:42
  know her body yet and she was too scared to tell you what to
• 14:45
  do because she didn't want to ruin this wonderful blossoming
• 14:48
  relationship or emasculate you somehow.
• 14:51
  Now her hormones have receded because she's in the monogamy
• 14:56
  face and her libido is lower and now is when she would really
• 15:01
  need you to do all of these things.
• 15:04
  You didn't learn how to do early on but she doesn't care enough
• 15:09
  or is too scared to ask you to do it because her hormones of
• 15:13
  for all the things that I just said, we don't need to keep
• 15:15
  saying the same things. So, you know, the point here is
• 15:20
  that the majority of people are not having sex life that they
• 15:23
  could be having, and this doesn't mean that they're not
• 15:25
  dressing up in enough clothes or doing enough roleplay.
• 15:28
  I mean, if you want to do that stuff, cool, but it literally
• 15:31
  means that the woman especially his no, I Idea what fulfilling
• 15:38
  sex life could look like go. She's never really been touched
• 15:42
  long enough to know without her genitals being touched earlier
• 15:45
  on and most men would pay good money and would if it weren't
• 15:50
  immoral to have their woman touch anything on their body at
• 15:55
  all, you know, because the woman feels because she's not turned
• 16:00
  on that. She's doing the man a favor and
• 16:02
  therefore, she doesn't have to really touch and plus with Don't
• 16:04
  understand that men really want that that they want to be
• 16:08
  touched also, like not just to have their penis inserted, many,
• 16:13
  many, many women think that that is the culmination of everything
• 16:17
  for a man is to put his penis into a vagina.
• 16:19
  It Isn't. So if it isn't for you like for
• 16:23
  90% of men then tell your wife, listen to this podcast together
• 16:28
  and say, you know, yes, I have been shy to say that there.
• 16:32
  I would love to have more foreplay with you.
• 16:34
  I would love to learn how to touch each other more.
• 16:37
  I would love to learn how to please one another, and not have
• 16:40
  these short Encounters in, which yes, we both have an orgasm, but
• 16:45
  it's more like a reflex more like a sneeze than anything,
• 16:49
  positive and connection building, that allows us to
• 16:53
  deeply learn about one another and have the more fulfilling,
• 16:57
  you know, sexual experience that we would have.
• 16:59
  If we were actually really turned on, you know, so we need
• 17:03
  the time. To do that to really turn each
• 17:06
  other on and again, go back. I cannot say this enough.
• 17:11
  Go back to the first episode on 10 ways to make your highly
• 17:14
  sensitive wife wants sex a lot more because it's the
• 17:17
  increasingly. I'm getting feedback that that's
• 17:20
  not just highly sensitive woman. It's all the women, you know, or
• 17:23
  most women nothing's all women, but most women and especially if
• 17:28
  you took the erotic blueprints quiz, that I always tell you to
• 17:31
  take and I've even have a post about it if she's essentially
• 17:34
  Actual type. She doesn't just want the penis
• 17:37
  in vagina, you know, she wants a lot of other stuff, but she
• 17:41
  doesn't know how to tell you. It's like going to a fancy
• 17:44
  restaurant and being like, Oh my God, this is what a hamburger
• 17:48
  was supposed to taste like, you know, or you know, like you
• 17:51
  wouldn't know unless you, you wouldn't know how to do that
• 17:55
  yourself or had to tell somebody to cook.
• 17:57
  You something in a really great way.
• 18:00
  You just know it when you feel it, right?
• 18:02
  So when you sense it, so Or music, you wouldn't know how to
• 18:06
  tell somebody to make you a perfect Symphony.
• 18:09
  But if you hear one, you know, that it's pretty different from
• 18:12
  listening to your kid play Twinkle Twinkle on the piano.
• 18:15
  So, you know, it's the same thing with sex, your wife will
• 18:20
  know it when she feels it that there is impossibly has felt it
• 18:25
  before, you know, and has never told you that with prior
• 18:27
  Partners or with you earlier on or whatever.
• 18:30
  She has felt more aroused. She does know what that feels
• 18:33
  like, but she just doesn't No, the ways to tell you to get
• 18:36
  there and I'm telling you the ways to get there is by slowing
• 18:39
  it down and figuring out what other areas on her body and in
• 18:44
  her brain need to be stimulated. What do you need to say and do
• 18:49
  and touch in order to turn her on?
• 18:51
  You may have no idea, you may assume that she has a very low
• 18:54
  sex drive, but really, y'all are just not good at having sex with
• 18:57
  each other because of all of these Myriad, societal and
• 19:02
  individual issues that I'm delineating here.
• 19:05
  So if this is interesting to you discuss it with your partner, as
• 19:08
  I always say, use it as a jumping-off point, could be
• 19:11
  happy having better interaction. Sexually that would make us both
• 19:15
  yearn to be closed sexually because it's something good that
• 19:18
  we want that. We're missing versus these very
• 19:22
  wrote, quick encounters, and many women will be very
• 19:26
  surprised to hear that men. Don't like the road encounters.
• 19:29
  And men are surprised to hear that the women don't because the
• 19:32
  woman's always tell them, hurry up, you know.
• 19:34
  Oh, because she's saying hurry up because she doesn't like it
• 19:37
  anyway, so, of course she wants you to hurry up.
• 19:40
  Why wouldn't you should? She doesn't feel, she's going to
• 19:42
  get anything good out of it anyway.
• 19:44
  And both genders overestimate, the other genders need for just
• 19:49
  an orgasm, just having an orgasm.
• 19:52
  You should be able to do that after, you know, each other for
• 19:55
  all these years. So giving each other an orgasm
• 19:57
  cool, but like that is not what I'm writing about and talking
• 20:00
  about. I'm talking about foreplay,
• 20:02
  foreplay is nothing to do. An orgasm.
• 20:05
  In fact, the most erotic Encounters of many people,
• 20:09
  particularly women's lives. Do not involve an orgasm, you
• 20:12
  know, certainly not an orgasm after 3 minutes, you know, so
• 20:18
  all the long heavy petting, sessions of Youth were a lot
• 20:22
  more arousing for both parties. Really, usually then 4, then 3
• 20:28
  minutes, sexual intercourse. So use this to talk to your
• 20:32
  spouse as per usual and use it to reflect on your own
• 20:36
  expectations and assumptions and perhaps misapprehensions about
• 20:40
  sex in in the opposite sex, as well as in relationships, in
• 20:45
  general, etc. Etc.
• 20:47
  And I will talk to everybody soon.
• 20:49
  Please do subscribe.