Latest / Just Listen To Me / Time Doesn't Heal This Relationship Injury
Transcript
- Julia.shay-au: Hi, I'm Julia and welcome back to Just Listen To Me. If love feels confusing or painful right now, you're not broken and neither is your relationship. Let's slow this down together. Today I want to revisit a topic I spoke about back in episode four when we talked about attachment wounds. In this episode, we're going to explore something called attachment injury repair. in emotionally focused couples therapy. In simple terms, attachment injury repair is about healing the hurts in a relationship that were never truly repaired. Because unfortunately, time alone does not heal attachment wounds, even if 20 years have passed. As I mentioned in earlier episodes, wounds in relationships can take many different forms. Sometimes it's emotional absence. Sometimes it's repeated invalidation and sometimes it's something more obvious like infidelity, addiction or a serious breach of trust. In my practice, I've worked with many couples where an affair happened 10 or 15 years earlier and yet the relationship is still quietly shaped by that event because attachment wounds don't just create conflict. They disrupt the core sense of trust and safety that relationships are built on. When the bond is injured, the nervous system remembers. And if the injury has never truly been repaired, the relationship often continues to orbit around that unresolved pain. When couples come to therapy after an attachment injury, it usually happens in one of two ways. Sometimes the injury has just happened and the relationship is in crisis. An affair has recently been discovered. An addiction has come to light or some other breach of trust has shaken the foundation of the relationship. In these moments, the wound is very visible. but the couple often finds themselves unable to talk about what happened without escalating into more conflict, defensiveness or emotional shutdown. That's often when couples reach out for therapy, not because they don't care about the relationship, but because they do. And they need a safe space to begin unpacking what happened without blame or judgment. A trained therapist becomes a neutral guide. Helping the couple slow things down and navigate something that feels almost impossible to face alone. But there's another way this shows up. Sometimes the injury happened many years ago and it was never properly addressed. It was swept under the rug. Maybe the couple tried to move on quickly. Maybe they didn't know how to talk about it. Or maybe they feared that opening the wound would destroy the relationship. So life carried on. But the wound remained and over time, The relationship can begin to fill with disconnection, tension, or repeated conflict that doesn't seem to make sense on the surface. Couples might find themselves arguing about everyday things. Who forgot to pay the electricity bill? Who is doing more of the childcare? Who didn't pick up the groceries? But the real fight is rarely about groceries. The real fight is about trust. and safety about the wound that was never truly healed. When couples arrive in therapy in this state, it can sometimes take time before the deeper injury becomes visible. And there is usually a reason for that because the wound often carries a great deal of pain, fear and vulnerability. Both partners might be afraid of what will happen if they truly acknowledge it. The injured partner may feel the fear of reopening the pain. The partner who caused the injury may fear the shame or consequences of facing what happened. And underneath it all, both partners are often carrying the exact same fear. If we really look at this, Will our relationship survive it? That fear is very real and it's very human. And sometimes when couples finally begin to approach that wound in therapy, something very powerful happens. There is often a moment in the room where everything slows down. One partner says something they've never quite been able to say before. Maybe it's something as simple as, when that happened, I didn't just feel angry. I felt like I didn't matter anymore. And suddenly, the room goes very quiet. Not because nothing is happening, but because something important finally is. For the first time, the pain that has been shaping the relationship for years is no longer hidden. It's being seen. It's being heard. And in that moment, even though it can feel incredibly vulnerable, the couple has taken the first step towards repair. There's something very human that happens when relationships are injured. We want the pain to go away as quickly as possible. So couples often come into therapy hoping for solutions, communication tools, practical strategies, steps to fix the relationship. And while those things can be helpful in many situations, they don't work when it comes to attachment injuries. because attachment injuries live in the emotional bond between partners, which means healing them requires something deeper. As uncomfortable as it can be, the old saying applies here. You have to feel it to heal it. And this is where the attachment injury repair model, often called AIRM, comes in. AIRM is a structured process used in emotionally focused therapy to help couples repair deep relational injuries. It's not about forcing forgiveness and it's not about blaming one partner. It's about helping both partners move through a corrective emotional experience that rebuilds trust and safety. The process unfolds through several stages. First, the injury is identified and acknowledged. Then the therapist helps the couple to track the negative cycle that has formed around the injury. The injured partner is supported to express the deeper emotions beneath the anger, often fear, abandonment, grief, or loneliness. The partner who caused the injury is then supported to take responsibility. and express genuine remorse while staying emotionally present with their partner's pain. Together the couple begins to reprocess what happened, allowing the event to be understood within the context of the relationship. Over time, if the process is successful, the injured partner may feel safe enough to move towards forgiveness and reconciliation. A new narrative begins to emerge, not a story defined by betrayal and distance, but a story of repair, accountability, and emotional courage. And from there, the couple can begin the ongoing work of rebuilding trust and creating a more secure attachment bond. The truth is, not every couple is able or willing to go through this process because it requires something very difficult from both partners. For the injured partner, it often means finally allowing themselves to fully acknowledge the depth of the hurt, especially if that pain has been dismissed or minimized in the past. When someone has repeatedly been told their feelings are too much or in the past, it can create confusion, self-doubt and even self-blame. This can be even harder if the person grew up in a family where vulnerability was not welcomed or supported. For the partner who caused the injury, the challenge is often shame. Shame is one of the most difficult emotions for human beings to sit with. Guilt says, I did something bad. Shame says, I am bad. And if someone already carries deep shame from childhood or past relationships where they were labelled as the problem or not good enough, it can feel almost unbearable to face the pain they caused. So defensiveness, minimising our avoidance, can become protective responses. Not because the person doesn't care, but because the shame feels overwhelming. For both partners, there is often one shared fear underneath everything. The fear of losing the relationship. That fear can make it incredibly hard to lean into the pain of the attachment injury. And yet, paradoxically, it is often the very act of facing that pain together that allows the relationship to begin healing. The attachment injury repair model is not about quick fixes. It's not about putting a bandaid over deep wounds. It's about creating a space where pain can be recognized, validated and processed safely so that the emotional bond between partners can be rebuilt. When this process works, something powerful often happens. The couple doesn't just recover from the injury, they often develop a deeper sense of trust and emotional safety than they ever had before. And this is the foundation of secure attachment. If you recognize parts of your own relationship in today's episode, please go gently with yourself. These are deeply human experiences and they are not easy to face. If you and your partner are struggling with unresolved attachment wounds, reaching out to a trained couples therapist who understands the attachment injury repair process can be incredibly helpful. You don't have to navigate this alone. And sometimes the very conversation that feels most frightening to have becomes the one that finally allows the relationship to begin healing. Thank you so much for listening today. Take care of yourself and I'll see you soon with another episode.