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When You Both Do No Contact · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  So your avoidant partner broke up with you or you were dating
• 0:11
  an avoidant just casually and they ghosted you and now they're
• 0:17
  in no contact. And so you know about no contact
• 0:21
  or you just found out about it and you're like, you know what?
• 0:24
  Well, I'm going to do no contact.
• 0:26
  So now you're both doing it. What's going to happen when both
• 0:31
  of you are doing no contact? Well, stay tuned and you'll find
• 0:36
  out. Hi, this is Lucio with the Art
• 0:38
  of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
• 0:40
  expert specializing in helping you get your X back or to get
• 0:44
  over your X. And welcome back my beautiful no
• 0:46
  contact army. Have you signed up for my app
• 0:51
  Silencio? Well, you don't sign up for it.
• 0:53
  You you downloaded the community on there is growing.
• 0:57
  There's discussion there everyday people are getting
• 0:59
  their questions answered. So feel free to download the app
• 1:02
  if you haven't already and join the community.
• 1:05
  And if you too would like to join our no contact army, all
• 1:09
  you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
• 1:12
  notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
• 1:16
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 1:20
  you purchase the book. OK, so avoidance believe that
• 1:24
  staying distant protects them from vulnerability and rejection
• 1:29
  because their childhood taught them that needing someone leads
• 1:33
  to getting hurt. So they learned to use distance
• 1:36
  to control the pain, which may be why they broke up with you or
• 1:39
  why they ghosted you. But when you go into no contact
• 1:42
  and you stop reaching out, their armor eventually begins to
• 1:46
  crack. The power dynamic starts to
• 1:49
  shift. They thought you'd always be
• 1:51
  there, but you flip the script and introduce doubt into the
• 1:55
  mix. And when contact stops on both
• 2:00
  sides, the first thing that happens for you, especially if
• 2:03
  you're anxious leaning as most of the people listening to my
• 2:06
  videos are, is that the silence feels like a verdict.
• 2:10
  You start imagining that the avoidant doesn't care, or that
• 2:14
  they've moved on instantly. And none of that is true.
• 2:18
  That's just your fear filling the void.
• 2:21
  For the avoidant, the initial silence brings relief.
• 2:25
  As I've said here many times before, they convinced
• 2:29
  themselves they needed this break.
• 2:31
  But this does not last forever. Right now, they still believe
• 2:36
  that distance is protecting them.
• 2:38
  But when you stop chasing, your silence becomes disruptive.
• 2:42
  You remove the dynamic that allowed them to feel comfortable
• 2:45
  pulling away or breaking up with you.
• 2:48
  Suddenly, avoidance doesn't protect them.
• 2:50
  It actually isolates them. So when silence becomes mutual,
• 2:56
  both people assume they're the one being rejected.
• 2:59
  You think, well if he cared if she cared, they would reach out.
• 3:02
  And the avoidant thinks, well if she was upset he was upset, they
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  would reach out. So maybe they're fine without me
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  now. Avoidance don't like to feel
• 3:11
  like they're chasing or opening the door to emotional
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  responsibility. They don't want to feel like
• 3:17
  they're begging for attention. So this creates a frozen
• 3:21
  stalemate that looks like an indifference on the outside, but
• 3:26
  it's actually fear on both sides.
• 3:29
  There's the anxious fear of abandonment versus the avoidant
• 3:33
  fear of engulfment. Both people, both people are
• 3:36
  protecting themselves. But here's what you have to keep
• 3:40
  in mind. You're triggering their
• 3:44
  childhood wound. They believe that needing
• 3:47
  someone equals getting hurt, so distance feels like control.
• 3:51
  But now that you aren't reaching out, they're no longer in
• 3:55
  control and their system starts to panic because your silence
• 4:00
  introduces doubt and avoidance hate doubt more than they hate
• 4:05
  vulnerability. Now there's predictable stages
• 4:09
  that avoidance goes through when both of you stop contacting each
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  other. As I mentioned first, it's like
• 4:15
  good, I needed the space. That's what they think.
• 4:18
  And this is when their nervous system decompresses.
• 4:20
  Again, this isn't about you, it's about their nervous system.
• 4:24
  Next we have the wait. Is she really not reaching out?
• 4:27
  Is she really not reaching out? And this is when their armor
• 4:31
  starts to crack because they're used to you bridging the gap,
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  especially if you're anxious. The next stage is the are they
• 4:39
  done with me? And this is where their fear of
• 4:42
  abandonment, yes, avoidance habit gets triggered.
• 4:46
  And then finally we have the do I reach out?
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  What if it backfires? Avoidance don't do spontaneous
• 4:54
  emotional risk. Instead, they rehearse, they
• 4:57
  overthink, then they pull back. And This is why they can take
• 5:02
  weeks or months to reach out even when they miss you.
• 5:06
  And now the silence starts to turn on them.
• 5:10
  It doesn't repel them. It ruins their fantasy that
• 5:13
  you'll always be there waiting for them.
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  They start missing your energy, even if they couldn't handle it
• 5:19
  when they had it. And this is the avoidance
• 5:22
  paradox. They want closeness, but they're
• 5:25
  afraid of it. They want connection, but they
• 5:27
  sabotage it. As the science continues, the
• 5:32
  loneliness they've been suppressing wants to surface.
• 5:36
  Avoidance aren't emotionless, they're actually emotionally
• 5:41
  overwhelmed. They've just learned to bury it.
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  So they start having late night thoughts about you.
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  Nostalgia, memories triggered by music, a smell, a stranger who
• 5:54
  laughs like you. Stranger who looks like you.
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  Distance does not erase emotional attachment and the
• 6:02
  walls that they put up to feel safe.
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  They now start to feel like a self-imposed prison.
• 6:07
  They're feeling the impact of their own avoidance.
• 6:11
  Part of them wants to reach out and another part refuses to be
• 6:15
  that vulnerable. They're literally fighting with
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  themselves. It's like reach out.
• 6:19
  No reach out no. Your sentence becomes the
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  emotional mirror they've been running from their whole lives.
• 6:28
  Now if you have an anxious or an anxious leaning attachment
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  style, then your default is to close the gap.
• 6:36
  So choosing not to reach out is a huge act of self regulation.
• 6:41
  And I have to congratulate you because as a dismissive, I don't
• 6:44
  have that problem. It's so easy for me not to reach
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  out. But anxious is the total
• 6:50
  opposite of dismissive. So I can imagine what it feels
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  like for you. So you're not just sitting in
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  silence, you are sitting with every abandoned version of
• 7:01
  yourself. You feel the urge to fix,
• 7:03
  clarify, reconnect, repair and or explain.
• 7:09
  However, remember that your restraint at this point is the
• 7:12
  catalyst for them eventually reaching out.
• 7:16
  When you stay silent out of self worth, not manipulation, that's
• 7:22
  when the avoidant feels your absence the most.
• 7:24
  They expected you to chase, you didn't.
• 7:27
  That's when your silence hits them harder than anything you
• 7:30
  could ever say. And so their nervous system
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  resets. They can finally miss you
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  without feeling overwhelmed, and the loneliness becomes real.
• 7:40
  Because the avoidance didn't protect them, it just isolated
• 7:43
  them. And this causes avoidance to
• 7:47
  begin questioning their patterns.
• 7:49
  They remember how they've pushed people away in the past.
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  They start realizing that the walls they built for protection
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  became isolation. Your science doesn't punish
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  them, it reveals the truth. Avoidance now does not protect
• 8:04
  them, it actually costs them. So science doesn't mean that
• 8:11
  nothing is happening, it means that everything is actually
• 8:14
  happening internally. Let your absence do what your
• 8:18
  presence couldn't. Createspace for their emotional
• 8:23
  accountability. Your silence now shows them that
• 8:26
  what their avoidance actually creates is not safety, but
• 8:29
  loneliness. And if the connection was real,
• 8:33
  this is the stage that pulls them back towards you.
• 8:36
  They begin checking your temperature by viewing your
• 8:39
  stories, liking a photo from like 6 weeks ago at 1:00 AM.
• 8:44
  You know, random passive interactions and at some point,
• 8:47
  eventually they'll reach out with something casual.
• 8:50
  Now, this is not reconnection right now, it's a temperature
• 8:54
  check. Like I said, if you respond too
• 8:56
  fast, they retreat. If you're too cold, they
• 8:59
  retreat. So it's like the Goldilocks
• 9:01
  story, not too hot, not too cold, but just right.
• 9:05
  So the goal that we are going for is warm, neutral.
• 9:08
  When you finally hear from your ex, when you've both been in no
• 9:12
  contact. OK, so now I want to hear from
• 9:15
  you. How long have you been in no
• 9:17
  contact and how is it going? And if you would like my help to
• 9:20
  get your ex back so I can help you with that warm neutral tone
• 9:24
  when you hear from your ex or any other aspect of getting your
• 9:27
  ex back and staying in no contact, then you can contact me
• 9:31
  at theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
• 9:35
  They are not on the website and we do respond to all emails
• 9:39
  within 24 hours. So Please be patient.
• 9:41
  And if you don't hear from us for some reason, then please
• 9:44
  check your spam folder and if there's still nothing there,
• 9:48
  then contact us again, preferably from another e-mail
• 9:51
  address. And if you found this video
• 9:53
  helpful, hit the subscribe button so you don't miss out on
• 9:56
  future videos. If you're listening to this as a
• 9:58
  podcast, then also be sure to subscribe so you don't miss
• 10:01
  future episodes. And finally, remember, love
• 10:04
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.