Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Should You Manipulate Your Husband With Sex?

Transcript

Should You Manipulate Your Husband With Sex? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to this episode of the doctor.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about
• 0:10
  manipulating, your husband, with sex and is this a bad thing?
• 0:14
  Or a good thing before that we want to talk about subscribing,
• 0:19
  as usual. You should definitely subscribe.
• 0:21
  I have 90 subscriber episodes. They're all awesome.
• 0:24
  Some of them are about how to shit.
• 0:28
  There's the oral sex one. That's the one that you want to
• 0:30
  hear about right, oral sex on women and there's like a million
• 0:34
  other. One's okay?
• 0:35
  So moving on. So should you try to manipulate
• 0:38
  your husband with sex? Yeah, sure.
• 0:39
  Why the fuck not. I mean, finally something good
• 0:42
  would be happening in the bedroom.
• 0:44
  You know, it's so funny because like manipulation gets like a
• 0:48
  bad wrap it like guys say like women manipulate them with sex
• 0:52
  but withholding sex, like women like are really not that stupid,
• 0:57
  you know, you don't think that like punishing somebody is going
• 1:00
  to make them like love you more like these women have been
• 1:03
  parents. Like they know, I know that
• 1:05
  there are downsides to punishing, they're not trying to
• 1:08
  withhold sex. I've discussed this ad nauseam
• 1:11
  women that aren't having sex with you within the context of
• 1:14
  an unhappy marriage or not, trying to withhold sex in order
• 1:17
  to make you act better if they are, that is rare.
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  And that's women who have more symptoms of borderline
• 1:23
  personality, or narcissistic personality.
• 1:26
  But in what they're doing is basically being deeply
• 1:30
  authentic. They're like, I don't want to
• 1:32
  have sex, which they definitely don't, because A spontaneous
• 1:35
  desire is pretty much gone with in monogamy, especially after
• 1:39
  certain age. And so they don't want to,
• 1:42
  they're really just being there, you know, deepest truest selves.
• 1:45
  They're like, not only do I not want to but he's being an
• 1:48
  asshole. So the hell, am I going to have
• 1:49
  sex with him or I mean in the moments that your wife's
• 1:52
  rejected you? She is in no way be
• 1:53
  manipulative. She is, in fact being selfish.
• 1:57
  Yes, sure globally. Yeah, just like you're being
• 1:59
  selfish when you're mad at her and you don't plan to take her
• 2:02
  to a date night, right? So everybody could be selfish
• 2:04
  She's not being inauthentic, she's being really authentic to
• 2:09
  authentic as I talked about in the podcast about the cult of
• 2:13
  preferences and boundaries people.
• 2:14
  Nowadays are much too authentic in terms of putting their own
• 2:18
  needs above that of the marriage or their partner.
• 2:20
  So women if you really do want to have a happier marriage, I
• 2:25
  mean this is like the advice given to women for a millennia.
• 2:28
  You would have sex. And if you want, if you are
• 2:31
  having sex in order to get another thing, such as a
• 2:34
  happier, huh? Husband or happier marriage
• 2:36
  then? Yes sure that's manipulation
• 2:38
  cool. Great.
• 2:40
  Like that's like a great use of manipulation, you know when else
• 2:43
  you engage in a great use of manipulation if you're like me
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  which you probably are if you're a woman and a mother, I remember
• 2:50
  like Snap schedules and like stuff like that, you know, and
• 2:54
  getting the baby on a schedule. You were trying to manipulate
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  the baby because you were trying to get the baby onto a schedule.
• 3:01
  That would make him or her a happier baby.
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  For that book happiest baby on the Block.
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  It was all about manipulating your baby, you know, and so is
• 3:11
  like basically every part of teaching a child.
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  And so is any part of training a child?
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  And so is teaching a child matters or anything.
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  It's all manipulation. Is it manipulation with
• 3:22
  nefarious? Long-term intent.
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  Certainly not, you are trying to help your child long-term and in
• 3:29
  the case of the nap schedules, you are going to get a happy
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  baby and a happy baby makes a happy mom.
• 3:34
  Me and a happy family. So is the same goddamn thing,
• 3:37
  right? I mean so if you want to have a
• 3:39
  happy marriage with zero sex I mean you know I don't know you
• 3:44
  could marry a guy that has no sex drive but if you didn't do
• 3:48
  that and most women don't want to do that then yeah I mean you
• 3:53
  you're gonna you can really make a lot of Headway with the whole
• 3:58
  manipulating your husband with sex.
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  You could make him the happiest husband on the Block and he
• 4:03
  would be a hell of a lot. Sir and Kamar it goes back to my
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  podcast. What would your husband act like
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  if you got all the physical affection, he wanted well,
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  that's an experiment that you should run.
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  Because if you were having sex with your husband, and I don't
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  mean just like sex working thinks you're like manipulating
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  him by like having like sex with him for like you know, five
• 4:27
  minutes just that he gets off and then you can be like oh well
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  maybe you won't act like an asshole.
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  Now I mean that's mean right. So You wouldn't want your
• 4:35
  husband to manipulate you by taking you on a date, and then
• 4:38
  being like, this sucks. I wish I wasn't here.
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  I mean, no, I would like your husband to manipulate you by
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  getting you like awesome gift. And being really nice and
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  romantic. He's trying to manipulate your
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  mood cool. Great more power to them.
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  I hope it succeeds, you know, because just like how you're
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  trying to manipulate your kids by being happy to into being
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  happy by taking them to Disney, just because people have
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  intentional desires. Influence their partner or
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  children's behavior in positive ways that are beneficial for the
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  entire unit does not mean that those things are bad in any way.
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  So, if you have thought that, it would be inauthentic, for
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  example, to initiate sex. When you're not in the mood, why
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  don't you think of it as a gift? Like, do you really feel like, I
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  don't know, buying your husband, a Christmas?
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  Gift know why? It's another thing on your
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  plate, right? Who gives a shit you know I mean
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  you can take it down to like the most basic level you can see
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  basically if it It impact me. I don't fucking want to do it
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  and some people do say that after the marriage is truly, you
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  know, jump the shark and they were on the verge of divorce but
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  you don't feel like that hopefully about most things even
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  though they aren't your favorite thing.
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  You're like not, you're not like oh my God, the thing that I most
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  want to do with my extra 10 minutes now is look on Amazon
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  for something, my husband likes know like who cares you want to
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  do something else? You want to do your work, you
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  want to watch TV, you want to scroll on Tick-Tock?
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  You don't actively want to do some other things.
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  But like you also see that you want to make your partner happy,
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  and so the happy partner that gets a Christmas gift is going
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  to be, you know, happier and generally most men would totally
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  forego the Christmas gift ironically for sex, you know.
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  So why don't you view sex as a gift?
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  A gift that you are using to manipulate your husband into
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  being happier? And since I've already told you
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  it has to cut. Can't be some bullshit.
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  You know you can't be just You know laying there like, you
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  know, an assumed corpse, you know, then maybe responsive
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  desire will kick in and you'll actually like it too.
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  That is what most people see when they give sex as any sort
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  of a gift is that actually they really like making the partner
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  happy and then they feel happier and turned on themselves because
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  like a guy who feels like his wife is the sexiest person in
• 6:58
  the world and that they have an awesome sex.
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  Life is a guy who feels happy to be alive and happy to be married
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  and all of Things because as I've discussed repeatedly, guys,
• 7:08
  get married to have sex. You know, they love you, they
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  find you attractive, but they get married to have sex with
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  that person regularly in a socially and legally condone
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  setting. And while that may seem moronic
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  to anybody who's been married for more than six months, it
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  still is the case. And it will probably always be
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  the case, no matter how many, you know, people forward their
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  young nephews or Whatever my podcast, nobody will believe it.
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  Youth has lots of hope and every man in his 20s will still think
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  that he is the one whose wife will continue to want to have
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  sex after marriage. So you know if you make your
• 7:47
  husband's life filled with magic and wonder by having sex with
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  him a lot and good sex and enjoying it and all of that.
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  Then, you know, which honestly you could probably do more than
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  you think. If you really believe in
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  responsive desire and you really allow yourself to get into the
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  mood. You know, and understand that
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  spontaneous desire is more for people who are young and
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  unmarried, then he will be the happiest husband on the Block
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  and it is likely that your marriage and your family life
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  will improve precipitously. Similarly, the, you know, your
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  husband should be trying to make your life filled with magic and
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  wonder. And if he doesn't know how to do
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  that then you got to tell him how so surprises and dates and
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  nice, text messages, and all of those kinds of things are the
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  ways, probably that he can make. Your life, more filled with
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  magic and wonder just like you guys.
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  Try to make the kids lives filled with magic and wonder if
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  you try to do it for one another.
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  Yes that's manipulative, but with a great, you know, goal and
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  it's a super well-intentioned manipulation.
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  You want your husband to be happier, he should want you to
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  be happier. If you both are happier, you're
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  better parents, your better people, the home runs smoother,
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  your children have a template for a happy marriage, both of
• 9:01
  you feel lucky. It goes on and on, and off.
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  So this is something that people have to understand.
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  It's amazing how many intelligent people I work with
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  it. Still somehow thing that you
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  know marriage is supposed to be easy.
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  It's not supposed to be easy. Nothing is easy.
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  Parenting isn't easy, you love your kids, right?
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  Is parenting is not easy. You know.
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  No relationships with another human being are consistently
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  easy. You have to put in the work and
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  sometimes you don't want to do it but you do it anyway in order
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  to make them happy. So instead Ed of an anyway,
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  thinking, like, how can I just get my needs met today as I
• 9:39
  frequently. Say, what about thinking, how
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  can I meet my partner's needs today?
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  And then seeing how that snowballs into a really, really
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  positive, sort of, sort of frame for the marriage and for the
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  family. And for everybody involved, if
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  you thought every day, how could my kids make me happy today,
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  man, you be setting yourself up for a world of hurt, right?
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  Because that's not why they were on this planet.
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  And so, You got to think, how can I make my kids happy?
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  Not like minute-to-minute. Obviously, I say more than
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  anybody, you know, like let them kind of do their own thing.
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  They can have frustration, they don't have to get everything
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  they want. Sure.
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  But overall you're obviously trying to provide your children
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  with a happy childhood and so it really needs to be very similar
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  in the marriage. You want to do whatever you can
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  on the back end. You know, internally Ray
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  externally reading, being open-minded whatever to get
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  yourself into a headspace where you want to give Give generously
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  to your spouse in whatever their love language is, and you will
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  see the benefits of this. Because, if you're, if you have
• 10:43
  sex with your husband all the time and he thinks it's great
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  and you're really going outside your comfort zone and you're
• 10:48
  really doing whatever he likes the, he's going to feel like a
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  super lucky man. It's so lucky to have you and he
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  is going to be super happy and what happy people act, happy and
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  positive, and motivated, and loving, and involved, and
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  invested. And all of the things that you
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  want, also he won't want to lose you because you're so wonderful.
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  You know, I do have sex with him all the time, which is his love
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  language in which he knows, you know, is something that is rare
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  after doing all of the reading and listening that he does to
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  me. He will then value you even
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  more. Of course if you do this and be
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  so much one, zillion times likelier to do nice things for
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  you. Because I'll tell you when I get
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  couples in counseling in the woman's having sex with the man
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  multiple times a week. I say, alright, what are you
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  complaining about? About this is great.
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  You're living the dream. Yeah.
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  You want to work on the quality of the Sexes?
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  Sure we could do that. But let me just tell you right
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  now. You're in a good place, my
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  friend. You're in a better place than
• 11:44
  other people are, because you are having sex with a woman who
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  finds you attractive. Literally just ask her.
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  She just told me having sex with you multiple times a week.
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  Like, you're already in a good place.
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  Why don't we focus then, you know, a little bit on what makes
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  her unhappy to, you know? And so if you want a couple's
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  counselor, by the way to focus on Your problems are with him.
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  Why don't you be the good one? And say I'm already sleeping
• 12:09
  with him a lot and having good sex with him and he won't be
• 12:12
  able to say no and then you could focus more on his issues
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  which I'm sure there are many. And of course, this, this really
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  brings up a point, which is that if you really want to do your
• 12:26
  best at work and on your marriage, then it's really
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  important that you own your own issues first and then You can
• 12:34
  turn to your spouse's issues because it in this situation,
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  for example, the common situation where a man doesn't
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  think that he's having sex enough because by any metric, he
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  is not, then that would become an issue and not as many couples
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  counselors offices. As you might think sadly for him
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  because many couples counselors go along with the idea, the
• 12:57
  misguided idea that if you increase emotional closeness,
• 13:00
  the sex will come. That doesn't usually happen.
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  Usually That are having sex have sex kind of whether or not,
• 13:07
  they're fighting to a certain degree and couples that are not
• 13:09
  having sex, aren't, you know? Having sex.
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  But yes, there was some overlap, of course, with profound marital
• 13:16
  unhappiness. And if you really want to work
• 13:20
  on, whatever your partner's contribution is to that that you
• 13:23
  probably want to make sure that you are being the best spouse
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  that you can be, of course, that's easier said than done
• 13:29
  when you're feeling a lot of resentment but still it's
• 13:31
  something to Aspire to and very practically speaking.
• 13:34
  King, you know, here's here's the real scoop the better.
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  You do as a wife, you know, or a man listening, as a husband,
• 13:43
  then the more that your spouse is going to eventually recognize
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  that whatever their issues are are are not solely related to
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  you, you know. So it's very easy for a guy to
• 13:54
  blame all of his misery on not having sex but and and he's
• 13:59
  right. You know?
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  I mean, he's not getting his love language met and it's not
• 14:02
  all of his misery. I've have a whole pod As saying,
• 14:05
  like, if you get laid, it's not going to change everything, you
• 14:07
  know, but if you want to take that off the table as something
• 14:12
  that he can say is the reason that he's miserable if you know
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  in your heart that he's just a depressive kind of guy and he's
• 14:18
  gonna kind of be the same no matter what.
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  Why don't you run that experiment?
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  Once you manipulatively run that experiment and have some awesome
• 14:25
  sex with him, you know what a lot of guys will cheer up and
• 14:28
  the ones that don't it'll be a lot more evident to them that
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  the issue may be with them because the Man's married to
• 14:35
  you, you likely does not hate you and he doesn't want to think
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  the worst of you. And if you really tried to bring
• 14:39
  your A-game in the bedroom and he was still feeling like shit
• 14:42
  about his life, you know, it's not going to be lost on him
• 14:45
  fully and that's something that you can really use to your
• 14:49
  advantage when you are trying to tell him, hey look, you know,
• 14:53
  your kind of miserable before your kind of miserable.
• 14:55
  Now our marriage has gotten better but you still upset all
• 14:57
  the time and difficult and rigid and what have you?
• 15:00
  So I really think that you ought to be in therapy and that's
• 15:03
  something somebody's going to listen to.
• 15:04
  A lot better if you've already made inroads on whatever they
• 15:08
  wanted you to work on which in this case as we're discussing is
• 15:11
  the sex life. Alright, so I hope that you
• 15:14
  found this interesting and useful overall, feel free to
• 15:17
  manipulate your partner if it's with something that they really
• 15:20
  like in order to make them happier than that, manipulation
• 15:23
  is fine. It's just the same as the
• 15:24
  happiest baby on the block manipulations or any of the
• 15:27
  manipulations of Parenthood and and I will talk to you guys soon
• 15:31
  and have a great day.