Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Breaking the Caregiver Cycle: Self-Awareness, Survival Mode & Loving Fiercely with Lynette Weldon

Transcript

Breaking the Caregiver Cycle: Self-Awareness, Survival Mode & Loving Fiercely with Lynette Weldon · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:01
  Hello, Melissa Crook here with The Field Podcast.
• 0:04
  So glad to have you here listening with us today.
• 0:07
  We've got ways to engage for you with this new episode, Breaking
• 0:12
  the caregiver cycle, self-awareness, survival mode
• 0:17
  and Loving Fiercely with Lynette Weldon.
• 0:20
  Do you feel like you're overworked or don't have any
• 0:23
  time in the day for yourself? Start with small increments of
• 0:27
  time, like 5 or 10 minutes to do something for you.
• 0:31
  That could be listening to your favorite music, just some quiet
• 0:35
  a little time outside, hearing the birds in the wind and
• 0:39
  feeling the sun on your face. Read a couple of pages of your
• 0:43
  book, write down your thoughts, or just rest.
• 0:46
  Your time is yours and it's up to you to take control of it.
• 0:51
  We hope this gives you some thoughtful ways to engage as
• 0:54
  you're listening and really participating today in this new
• 1:01
  episode with our friend Lynette Weldon.
• 1:03
  Thanks so much for being with us.
• 1:05
  Embracing. Layers, yet everything we get
• 1:16
  to. Hello and welcome to the Field
• 1:23
  podcast. This week I'm here with a friend
• 1:26
  who is new to the podcast side, but she has been with me before
• 1:30
  in our panels on our radio show. And her name is Lynette Weldon
• 1:34
  and I met her through our good friends at Pod Match.
• 1:37
  And she is going to give us her story, her resources, everything
• 1:43
  about it. It's it's a topic we've
• 1:44
  discussed before here with our friend Erin Copeland.
• 1:47
  Lynette brings another angle and another experience to the
• 1:51
  conversation. And we need multiple resources
• 1:55
  and voices involved in this conversation because it is a
• 2:00
  topic that more than any other time and you'll hear the
• 2:04
  reference. And this is going to kind of
• 2:06
  give away what we're going to be leaning into the sandwich
• 2:08
  generation where many of us are caring for both our parents and
• 2:14
  our children simultaneously. And so there's also that that
• 2:20
  impact of not understanding the impact that's going to have on
• 2:25
  you, that there's resources available to you that it's OK to
• 2:29
  ask for help. And so that gives you a little
• 2:31
  leaning and understanding into it's what we're going to be
• 2:34
  addressing today. But Lynette describes herself as
• 2:38
  dedicated, driven, passionate, loyal and a fierce advocate.
• 2:44
  Lynette Weldon, welcome to the Field Podcast.
• 2:47
  Thank you, Melissa. It's great to be back.
• 2:50
  It's great to have you here. I always like having you.
• 2:53
  You've got so much to share and so much wisdom and so much for
• 2:57
  your background is so nuanced within this space.
• 3:00
  And I think this is a space where you don't always expect in
• 3:04
  your life, this is in your life plan that you're going to see
• 3:06
  yourself in. But but then you know, life
• 3:10
  happens. And so, but let's get into it.
• 3:12
  Let's start with, before I give the whole thing away, let's
• 3:16
  start with your story. Talk to me about prioritizing
• 3:18
  self-care in your life and your journey with that because it's
• 3:22
  been a journey you have. You have been in a caregiver
• 3:28
  role in a variety of ways so much of your life.
• 3:32
  Some things were more expected than others.
• 3:35
  Through that, you have had to learn the importance of this
• 3:41
  because so many times we are so concerned about those that we're
• 3:46
  taking care of and there's all kinds of resources for them and
• 3:50
  nobody's checking in on the caregiver.
• 3:53
  So you know, so talk to me about your journey in this this arena.
• 3:59
  OK, well, you know, it started when I was a preteen watching my
• 4:04
  mom go through the position of being a caregiver.
• 4:08
  You know, my stepdad had a brain tumor, had multiple brain
• 4:12
  surgeries, radiation, chemotherapy, all of it.
• 4:15
  And it happened just like that, you know?
• 4:18
  And so I watched what she went through trying to, you know,
• 4:23
  navigate all of it because there's so much that comes with
• 4:26
  it, right? And, you know, I was just, I
• 4:30
  journal a lot and I've been writing.
• 4:32
  And one of the things that I remember is looking at my mom
• 4:36
  feeling just really bad for her, you know, but on the same hand,
• 4:42
  thinking, oh, my God, I don't ever want to be in that
• 4:45
  situation. Yeah.
• 4:48
  Because I watched her struggle. Well, Fast forward, you know, to
• 4:52
  my mid 20s and I had a daughter who was born with Down syndrome
• 4:58
  in a hole in her heart and then was diagnosed with type 1
• 5:01
  diabetes at 8 months old. So that just changed my whole
• 5:06
  life completely on a dime. And then, you know, Melissa, I
• 5:11
  don't know that I've talked to you about this before, but
• 5:15
  excuse me, There's a whole nother group of invisible
• 5:19
  caregivers, and they're the ones who love somebody with an
• 5:24
  addiction. You know, yeah, they're.
• 5:28
  Doing the exact same thing. And you know, I've been doing a
• 5:34
  lot of like soul searching because I'm, I'm trying to put a
• 5:37
  lot in down in writing. And, you know, I was married to
• 5:41
  somebody who was an alcoholic and had some severe issues with
• 5:47
  depression. And so I didn't even realize
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  that I was also a caregiver to him.
• 5:53
  Yeah. So there's so many different
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  ways that we take care of the people that we love.
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  And a lot of times I don't think that people even realize that's
• 6:05
  what they're doing. And so then how do you put, how
• 6:08
  do you put a name on that and how do you try to find help or
• 6:12
  support for it? Yeah, right.
• 6:15
  Yes, and I think too with the stigmas that are involved in
• 6:19
  that, especially when you're dealing with someone when it
• 6:21
  with addiction, so many times you're living in secret with
• 6:24
  that you're not, you're not wanting people to know because
• 6:28
  you don't want them to think badly of your loved 1 you are.
• 6:34
  I mean, there's just so many things, I mean, that that come
• 6:37
  into play. And then also within the
• 6:39
  caregiver space, especially when it's a family member, we're
• 6:43
  like, well, I'm supposed this is what I do.
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  This is what I signed up for. You care for the people you love
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  and you don't see where it crosses over into no, this is,
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  excuse me above and beyond. This is the normal showing up
• 6:57
  and supporting each other. This is a whole other level.
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  And it is understandable and totally valid that you need
• 7:06
  help. Yeah.
• 7:08
  And even to know that there's resources, but we don't.
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  I've talked about this with Aaron before.
• 7:13
  It's you got to get to a point where you see yourself as a
• 7:16
  caregiver because. Right.
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  Well, and it sneaks up on them, you know, it sneaks up on them.
• 7:22
  And before they know it, they're like in the situation and and
• 7:26
  they don't know what to do anymore and they don't even
• 7:28
  recognize themselves. And then they feel guilty
• 7:31
  because they don't like it. Right and.
• 7:34
  They're afraid to tell anybody how they really feel because
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  they don't want to be judged. You know, it's just there's so
• 7:41
  many things that go into it, but they in the word burnout with
• 7:47
  caregivers. That's like a bad word because
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  sure, say burnout, that means you failed, right?
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  That's how they view it. So, but you know, we just have
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  to keep on the topic and keep sharing.
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  I think as a caregiver who's been there and been through this
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  and helped other caregivers that, you know, there's no shame
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  in needing help, asking for help.
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  There's no shame and actually deciding I don't know if I can
• 8:14
  do this anymore. Yeah, yeah.
• 8:17
  And getting to a point where it's beyond the scope because we
• 8:21
  had this experience and it's a little different.
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  But you know, my father-in-law was caring for my mother-in-law
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  with Alzheimer's for several years.
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  And it got to a point where we, my husband and I went up there
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  the summer before we made this decision to just be there.
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  If we had a gap in time for a couple of months where we had
• 8:41
  some time and space off from work and kids were off doing
• 8:45
  internships and whatnot, where we were like, somebody needs to
• 8:49
  be present for a couple months because there's some things that
• 8:52
  are starting to occur here that we need to have another set of
• 8:54
  eyes on. So we, we did that and, and he,
• 9:00
  it was, he was, it was getting to the point where he just, we
• 9:03
  were like, we don't want your memories of her to be this.
• 9:07
  Y'all been together for 60 plus years and this, it's OK that
• 9:12
  this has gotten to be too much and it's OK that it's not enough
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  just to have someone come in. We started with having someone
• 9:19
  and come in and clean the house and those things.
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  But it's OK that it has gotten beyond the point where it's time
• 9:26
  to put her in a place that is that we pay to care for her and
• 9:31
  take that burden off of you. So that can be, that's such a
• 9:35
  difficult conversation too, but it comes in all phases of life.
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  I there are kids who end up being caregivers for their
• 9:43
  parents due to various things at very young ages.
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  And they just think that they're kids that are being asked to
• 9:50
  help out because they're, you know, they don't know even that
• 9:54
  they can ask for help. And it's not till later when
• 9:57
  they're in therapy and realize that they had to grow up way to
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  you soon. If they're if they're able to
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  have access to that, that they, you know, even letting them know
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  any age, whether you are 10 or 85, that there are a resource
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  and everywhere in between, there are resources out there to help
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  you and people that want to help you.
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  And it's OK to ask for help. And just because you love
• 10:20
  someone and that your family member doesn't mean that it's
• 10:24
  not OK to. And it's OK to be angry.
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  It's OK to be sad, frustrated. It's OK to be burned out and
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  tired of it. That does not make you a bad
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  person. That makes you human.
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  And. Yeah, I think it's so important.
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  So when you so you have your you like you have your daughter and
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  you got the double whammy because Down syndrome is one
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  thing, but childhood diabetes, those are two big things by
• 10:50
  themselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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  Cause I've known, I've had known friends that have dealt with
• 10:56
  both. I've never known friends that
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  have dealt with both collectively, like they've
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  either had the child's diabetes or the Down syndrome.
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  So you get this diagnosis in the first couple years.
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  And she's not your only child, by the way.
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  So you're trying to be, you know, they all of a sudden you,
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  you're in this space. And yeah, I mean, I think of
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  myself, I mean, I had our kids and you know, in our, our mid to
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  late 20s. I mean, our brains are fairly
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  fully developed by that point. Let alone this, you know, let
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  alone this whole other like overwhelm of what do we do and
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  how do I do this? And the attention to detail it
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  takes to to help them be as healthy and thriving as they can
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  be. So, you know, just dealing, I
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  think also to something that doesn't get talked about enough
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  in this space of is the mourning of what you thought was going to
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  be what used to be is is valid and it's not something that you
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  should feel bad about. But boy, there's a stigma around
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  that too, I think. Yeah, You know, with a lot of
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  the women that I've worked with it I kind of have to like, pull
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  that out of them. You know, I have to start
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  sharing that. You know, I remember what that
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  felt like, you know, and there is a grieving process and it's
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  OK. You know, I think people, when
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  they think about grieving, they think about losing somebody,
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  somebody in a way. And there are so many other
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  areas in our life that we grieve, and most people don't
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  realize that's what's happening. Right.
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  And, you know, if you think about grieving, there's all the
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  emotions that you go through, you know, denial, anger,
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  depression, I mean, all of it. And so when you're a caregiver
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  and you're going through all those emotions, there's so much
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  guilt that comes with having those emotions because they
• 13:00
  don't think that it's OK and that they should, you know, but
• 13:04
  your life changes instantly. I don't care if you have a child
• 13:08
  born with a disability, if your spouse has, you know, say, a
• 13:12
  stroke or, you know, another diagnosis.
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  Everything about what you know now changes.
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  You know, there's no going back. There's no controlling anything
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  in that arena at all. Yeah.
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  So yeah, it, you know, you have to let yourself grieve.
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  You have to let yourself understand that it's OK that I
• 13:33
  feel sad. You know, it's OK that I'm, I'm
• 13:37
  angry. I can't go do XYZ anymore.
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  Now I got to figure this out and what am I going to do?
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  And, you know, all of that is just, it's OK, you know?
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  Yeah. And wouldn't you say that's part
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  of the self-care process is allowing space to process moves
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  through and feel and be supported within that?
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  I mean that because you can't carry that.
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  I mean it's you can carry it, but it's going to come through
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  your body can't carry that forever.
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  And you know, you and I both know it's going to show up in an
• 14:10
  A not good way at some point, but also too when you're able to
• 14:17
  here, some will say I've been there too.
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  I've felt that too. So I think we, I like the
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  importance of community in this is so to have other people
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  around you that understand your experience that you can be just
• 14:32
  boldly honest with because they will understand it and they
• 14:37
  won't. You know that you're safe.
• 14:39
  You're not going to be judged because again, there's just so
• 14:43
  many stigmas about how we treat and handle.
• 14:46
  There's such a history, I think generationally of families
• 14:50
  already being very enmeshed, very codependent, very drama,
• 14:57
  bond informed anyway. And then you throw in this other
• 15:01
  layer of dynamics. And so when you try to talk to
• 15:05
  those those families and groups with that kind of history, their
• 15:09
  attitude is it's blood. You show up and you die on the
• 15:12
  vine for them. Yeah, but at what cost?
• 15:16
  Because if I'm dying on the vine, no ones getting the best
• 15:19
  version of me. It's.
• 15:20
  No, you can't do anything. Well then.
• 15:22
  No, and it's not fair to you or anyone that you are in
• 15:28
  relationship with. So I think also, you know, we
• 15:30
  already are trying to change the narrative around that for just
• 15:33
  women in general every day. And then you throw on this next
• 15:37
  level layer of the caregiving piece and what goes with that?
• 15:41
  It's even for you to be fresh and on point for all the things
• 15:45
  that are necessary to take care of this person.
• 15:48
  Well, it's even more important for you to have that help and
• 15:52
  support and free for or things get missed, things get
• 15:55
  forgotten, interchanges in relationships become tense and
• 15:59
  add stress to a situation that doesn't need more stress.
• 16:04
  Exactly. It's already.
• 16:05
  That's a natural existence in the.
• 16:07
  Atmosphere. Yeah, that's a.
• 16:09
  That's another whole topic too. Yeah.
• 16:12
  But sure, you know, Yeah. You know, I just.
• 16:16
  I don't understand where people came to form the belief that
• 16:20
  it's selfish to take care of yourself.
• 16:22
  I know. It's so counterproductive and
• 16:25
  backwards. It is totally and you know, you
• 16:29
  can't self sacrifice forever. You know, if you want to be here
• 16:35
  for the long haul and be, you know, a good caregiver, a Good
• 16:38
  Wife, a good friend, a good parent, a good anything, you
• 16:41
  know, you have to learn that you have to take care of yourself
• 16:45
  and it is not selfish. That drives me insane when I
• 16:50
  hear some of these women think or say, well, I can't take a day
• 16:54
  for myself. And I'm like, why not?
• 16:58
  You know, maybe you can't take a whole day, but you could take an
• 17:02
  hour. You could take, you know, and
• 17:04
  it's just they just, they're so used to doing everything for
• 17:09
  everyone else that they can't even see the possibility that
• 17:15
  there could be time for them. Yeah.
• 17:18
  And, you know, changing the narrative around, you know,
• 17:21
  they've created so many times, and we're so guilty of this in
• 17:24
  so many spaces. We create this space where
• 17:26
  people have gotten used to show us showing up that way.
• 17:28
  We never give them a chance to see if they can show up and help
• 17:32
  because we've taken over everything.
• 17:33
  So then it becomes that point of like, oh, OK, I can release some
• 17:37
  of these things and I am going to have to release them and also
• 17:41
  be OK with how they do them. Like whatever that might be, you
• 17:47
  know, and not and release that. That's a big thing.
• 17:49
  But also communicating it because so many times too, I
• 17:52
  think the communication piece, like I need an hour once a day
• 17:59
  to get outside and walk around the neighborhood to to run down
• 18:05
  and get coffee with the I need an hour a day to do whatever it
• 18:08
  is I want to or whatever two hours, call it whatever it is.
• 18:11
  I need this few hours every day. So I need someone, or maybe
• 18:15
  there's multiple someone's make a rotation.
• 18:18
  You know, people take turns that during that block of time every
• 18:22
  day, every other day, you know, once a week at the very minimum.
• 18:27
  But I would challenge you, take two hours once a week and then
• 18:30
  within every day, find 5 minutes to 30 minutes, you know, to just
• 18:35
  have because those little things add up too.
• 18:38
  You know, You know, it doesn't have to be this big grandiose
• 18:42
  thing that creates all of these obstacles in your schedule, but
• 18:46
  be mindful. Put it in your calendar.
• 18:48
  Make it a priority. Identify those things that
• 18:51
  nourish you. And because also, too, how do
• 18:55
  you want to be remembered? Do you want to be remembered?
• 19:00
  Is someone who took care of herself well and showed up well
• 19:03
  for others? Or someone who was just ragged
• 19:06
  and tired and angry and frustrating all the time, showed
• 19:12
  up at all the things, but never with joy or contentment or a
• 19:15
  smile because she was so strung out all the time?
• 19:19
  That's a really. Good way to put it, Melissa.
• 19:21
  I think that's something that I've like, OK, I'm going to say,
• 19:24
  how do you want your kids to remember you?
• 19:26
  How do you want your your friends?
• 19:29
  Anybody think about that? What is the legacy that you want
• 19:34
  to leave behind? And, and none of us want to be
• 19:37
  remembered as the second example.
• 19:40
  We all want to be remembered as the first example.
• 19:42
  So that's going to require some action on your part and support
• 19:46
  from those around you. And if you don't feel like you
• 19:49
  have that support, great, we've got resources for you to teach.
• 19:53
  You that support. And then because so many times,
• 19:56
  we teach people how to treat us so many times.
• 19:59
  So even if you like, can't ask anyone around.
• 20:03
  You for that help when they start seeing you seek out that
• 20:05
  help in other places there might be more inclined to be like,
• 20:09
  well, why didn't you just ask me and you might be surprised like
• 20:12
  I didn't know that I could or I didn't know you needed help so
• 20:16
  there's a responsibility on. Both parts.
• 20:19
  Both parts. To communicate even and and when
• 20:23
  things change, when you are changing that what you when you
• 20:26
  really start addressing what you need, that may take a few times
• 20:30
  around the bend to communicate because they're not used to your
• 20:33
  showing up that way. So.
• 20:35
  No, they're not. Yeah.
• 20:37
  And so it's everybody's got to kind of, so when in your
• 20:39
  journey, when was it that you're like, I've got to put some
• 20:43
  practices in place because I can't just go 24/7 hard all the
• 20:49
  time. It's not sustainable.
• 20:53
  Oh, I can remember several times that I thought something's got
• 20:57
  to change, you know, And you know, I'll just share right now
• 21:02
  that for 10 years I lived in fight or flight mode.
• 21:08
  You know, I just put my head down and powered through and
• 21:11
  thought one more day, one more week, one more, whatever.
• 21:15
  And, you know, now I have, you know, some pretty, pretty
• 21:19
  serious autoimmune issues from that because that's what it
• 21:23
  does. You know, it affects your body.
• 21:27
  You know, you think you're young and tough and you can do this,
• 21:30
  but you can't do it like that for so long.
• 21:33
  And I think the. Biggest.
• 21:35
  Moment for me was recognizing that I was snapping at my kids,
• 21:44
  you know, and I love them to death and you know I I'll never
• 21:50
  forget the one moment that I turned and I snapped at my
• 21:54
  daughter and her brother Justin. You know, and I mean it wasn't
• 21:59
  like abusive or anything like that, but just probably the look
• 22:03
  on my face because I was so on edge and fried that, you know I
• 22:09
  turned around and snapped. And even to this day when I
• 22:12
  think about the look on their face, it's like it's like soul
• 22:15
  crushing because that, you know that's not who I am, but that's
• 22:19
  who I became when I wasn't taking care of myself and you
• 22:24
  know because I just always wanted to be a mom.
• 22:27
  You know, I love being a mom. I love kids, I love teenagers, I
• 22:31
  love them all you know, I just love to be a mom.
• 22:34
  And so that was the biggest turning point right there.
• 22:39
  Like, I'm going to cry talking about it now because that's how
• 22:42
  painful it was for me, you know? And I just decided, OK,
• 22:45
  something's got to change. I can't do this anymore.
• 22:48
  And I just started doing little things, you know, throughout the
• 22:52
  day. And I tried to look at things
• 22:55
  different. And I think one thing for me
• 22:58
  that was hard was learning that I couldn't control every
• 23:04
  everything. I couldn't control situations
• 23:06
  and circumstances that came up. The only thing I can control is
• 23:10
  how I feel and how I respond. Right.
• 23:14
  And so when I started to look at things different and ask myself
• 23:17
  different questions, I started showing up different.
• 23:21
  Yeah. You know.
• 23:22
  Yeah, that awareness piece, I think, but you know, I think is
• 23:27
  parents. I mean, I can tell you, I don't
• 23:29
  know a parent that doesn't have that moment where because it's
• 23:32
  just really been the last, I feel like 10 years that we've
• 23:36
  even started having these conversations about prioritizing
• 23:40
  our Wellness. And I mean, my husband and I
• 23:43
  both have those moments where we snapped at different points.
• 23:45
  We're like, oh God. I mean, it just sticks with you.
• 23:48
  It's so painful. But also there's a wake up call
• 23:51
  to like, all right, there's some things that need to be addressed
• 23:53
  here. And, and so you took that and I,
• 23:56
  I'm again, going back to those little things.
• 23:58
  One of the things that I hear a lot when I'm working with women,
• 24:01
  and I'm sure you hear this too, is like, I don't have time.
• 24:03
  I'm like, let's look at your calendar and I'm going to help
• 24:07
  you identify time. We're going to look at what
• 24:10
  you've got here. We're going to see what's
• 24:13
  necessary, what's not. Also, where can you get help?
• 24:18
  Who else can do that besides you, right And, and start and
• 24:23
  we're going to start finding 5/10/15 minutes throughout your
• 24:27
  day. Or you can step outside.
• 24:29
  You can close the door in the bathroom.
• 24:32
  Anybody can 5 find five, 1015 minutes.
• 24:35
  Anybody. I don't care who you are.
• 24:37
  You cannot tell me you can't find that.
• 24:39
  We all have the same amount of time.
• 24:41
  We do. We do.
• 24:43
  I Yeah. That is the worst excuse to use
• 24:47
  with me. You know, if you talk to me,
• 24:49
  I'll tell you what I got on my plate.
• 24:52
  You know, I got 40 horses out there in a ranch and a business
• 24:56
  and kids and grandkids. Don't come to me and tell me you
• 24:59
  don't have time. Because.
• 25:01
  Everybody has the time, they do. And you're.
• 25:04
  Spot on with that. You know, who can you delegate
• 25:07
  to? What can you delay?
• 25:08
  What can you just check off and say I don't really need to do
• 25:11
  that you know, and get it off your list?
• 25:14
  Yeah, I mean, cuz I'm what I always, you know, what's in
• 25:16
  alignment with who you are Cuz it so many times there are
• 25:20
  things on the calendar that are like, you know, that was an
• 25:23
  alignment with me 1015 years ago.
• 25:25
  And I just kept doing it. But it I'm like, well, then why
• 25:28
  are we still doing it? It's time to turn it over and
• 25:30
  let someone else have the opportunity.
• 25:32
  Like we just don't need to do that anymore.
• 25:34
  And then once you start creating those little moments, you all of
• 25:37
  a sudden realize you go from feeling stuck to feeling like
• 25:41
  you have choices. And I think that creating the
• 25:44
  opportunity where you can get people to see their choices
• 25:49
  versus what they are stuck with or have to do is such a big
• 25:54
  part. I'm sure you see that so much.
• 25:56
  I can't even imagine. Yeah, yeah.
• 25:58
  Well, and when you can take control of your time, it changes
• 26:02
  everything. And you feel empowered.
• 26:04
  You feel like, you know, that is something that you can control
• 26:07
  people. You can control where your time
• 26:10
  and your attention and your energy goes.
• 26:12
  Yeah, you know for sure. Absolutely.
• 26:15
  And, and this really, and we've already really addressed this
• 26:18
  next one, but confidently setting boundaries.
• 26:20
  When you got to that point and you realize something's got to
• 26:23
  change. I that required you to, you
• 26:26
  know, set some boundaries around your time and when you were
• 26:29
  going to give to others versus when you were going to give it
• 26:31
  to yourself, How, how much time did that take?
• 26:35
  Because boundaries really isn't a word we started using until
• 26:38
  recently. So we just called it something
• 26:40
  else. But it's essentially like
• 26:42
  creating space and, and being protective and making choices
• 26:47
  about that. So talk to me about that, that
• 26:49
  boundaries journey and being able to like, communicate and
• 26:52
  create that space so that you could do better for you.
• 26:57
  Well, you know, I'll be honest, that was a hard 1 for me to
• 27:01
  learn how to say no and set boundaries, you know, especially
• 27:06
  how I grew up. Yeah.
• 27:10
  You know, and so like I said, that was a hard one.
• 27:14
  And it's looking at all different areas of your life,
• 27:18
  you know, and again, asking different why do I believe that?
• 27:22
  I can't say no and I'm a if. Why do I believe I'd be a bad
• 27:25
  person if I did? Yeah.
• 27:27
  Stuff like that. And then recognizing like people
• 27:31
  and places that sucked my energy, that didn't make me feel
• 27:36
  good, you know, and I was just showing up for them or because
• 27:42
  that's what I thought I was supposed to do, you know, as a
• 27:47
  good person. And so.
• 27:49
  Good person. We moralize the heck out of
• 27:52
  these things. Yeah.
• 27:54
  And we really had. And just that unpacking what's
• 27:57
  actually true versus what's just a narrative that is not serving
• 28:00
  us. Right.
• 28:02
  Yeah. And that that played a lot into
• 28:05
  it. And, you know, and really
• 28:10
  realizing that every time I said yes, I was saying no to myself.
• 28:14
  And if I'm constantly saying no to myself, how am I going to
• 28:18
  take care of me so that I can be a better mom and a better
• 28:22
  caretaker? And, you know.
• 28:23
  Yeah. So yeah.
• 28:26
  Yeah. And I think it's even more
• 28:27
  difficult for women who are my age, You know, I'll say 50 and
• 28:32
  above because of the way we were brought up and what we were told
• 28:37
  and, you know. It wasn't modeled to us and it
• 28:41
  was actually frowned upon. We were told to be show up for
• 28:44
  everybody else first. Putting yourself first itself,
• 28:47
  as you know, serve, serve, serve, serve, serve.
• 28:51
  And it's like, I'll keep it. At what point do I get to
• 28:54
  recharge, reef and serve myself so that I can?
• 28:58
  Exactly, exactly. And you know, I just, I just did
• 29:02
  a workshop on setting boundaries and saying no.
• 29:05
  And I literally said to them, you know, if, if this was not
• 29:09
  modeled to you when you were growing up, you probably have no
• 29:12
  idea what it looks like. You know, and that is the truth.
• 29:15
  If you, if you didn't see it growing up, you don't know what
• 29:20
  actually, you know, setting a boundary and sticking up for
• 29:23
  yourself and saying no and all that.
• 29:25
  You, you don't know how to do it.
• 29:27
  And so sometimes you have to learn and then you have to
• 29:30
  practice. You know you.
• 29:33
  Really do. It's like building a muscle.
• 29:35
  You got to practice that and then all of a sudden it's OK,
• 29:38
  you know, and there's ways to say it that are nice that aren't
• 29:42
  like, you know. It doesn't have to be this
• 29:45
  evident, right? Yeah, yeah.
• 29:49
  Especially I think going back to when people are used to you
• 29:52
  showing up and you and you make a shift, you know, be having
• 29:55
  some patience with that. And after a few times, if
• 29:58
  they're still not because you, you also find out in those
• 30:01
  scenarios who's really for you and who's just there to gain
• 30:05
  something from you. And sometimes you have to make
• 30:07
  some shifts in the people you surround yourself with to make
• 30:12
  sure that you're surrounding yourself with people that want
• 30:14
  you to be as well as much as you know you want to and need to be
• 30:18
  well. And that can be hard too.
• 30:20
  But it's also getting that's not selfish either.
• 30:22
  That is self fair and that is caring for your well-being,
• 30:26
  which then allows you to be well for all those that your
• 30:29
  relationship with. It's all connected.
• 30:32
  Yep. And not everybody is meant to be
• 30:34
  in your life forever. Forever either.
• 30:36
  Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, summer relationships have
• 30:41
  a season. I've talked about that many
• 30:42
  times on here. But that's a hard nut for people
• 30:45
  to swallow because again, I think it goes back to
• 30:48
  generationally what we've seen, especially depending on the
• 30:51
  connect points and real and like and we don't have to vilify
• 30:55
  anybody. This season has just passed and
• 30:57
  it just isn't, you know, working for whatever reason.
• 31:00
  And that's OK. That's OK.
• 31:02
  Yeah, I'm glad you said that because again, I think that's an
• 31:04
  important thing for us to remember.
• 31:06
  We've also touched on this already.
• 31:07
  You have talked about the connection between, well, in
• 31:12
  between the connection between the emotional, mental, physical
• 31:14
  health piece with the autoimmune piece.
• 31:16
  You can't carry those stressors. I, I cannot tell you how many
• 31:22
  women I know in our generation, that 45 to 65 year old who are
• 31:28
  dealing with some sort of autoimmune because of all the
• 31:31
  things that we have carried and stuffed and not processed.
• 31:37
  And there is A and you think you're getting away with it.
• 31:40
  When you're young, you're really just building yourself up,
• 31:42
  setting yourself up for what's come later.
• 31:45
  I. Really thought I was getting
• 31:46
  away with it but. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 31:48
  And you get to a Max point and your and your body's like no
• 31:52
  more. We need to to stop and pay
• 31:55
  attention. And this is, there's, there's
• 31:58
  consequences to this and we need to address those.
• 32:01
  So you've seen that direct impact.
• 32:03
  What? Talk to me about that.
• 32:06
  You know, that can be that's like such a like, Oh my gosh,
• 32:10
  because you, once you're in it, you're like, OK, it's where I'm
• 32:13
  at now. So where do we go from here?
• 32:15
  So talk to me about doing that. Because all those other
• 32:17
  responsibilities don't go away as you're dealing with this, you
• 32:21
  know, no, those things are still present, you know, for you,
• 32:26
  you're, you're still caring for your, she's an adult now, but
• 32:30
  your daughter is still you need you.
• 32:33
  And so that doesn't go away. Not to mention you're a
• 32:36
  grandmother and you have other children.
• 32:37
  I mean, all those things are part of the deal.
• 32:39
  So talk to me about like, OK, here we are.
• 32:43
  What are we doing now to also take care of myself from here
• 32:49
  moving forward? And what have I learned from
• 32:51
  this? Because it can be.
• 32:53
  We didn't talk about mental, emotional, physical health,
• 32:55
  connections. You know, we've always been
• 32:58
  treated in as isolated incidences.
• 33:00
  And it's only again, I keep saying the last 10 years, but it
• 33:03
  feels like the last 10 years or so that 15 years a little bit
• 33:08
  that we started, oh, wait a minute, There's these things are
• 33:11
  all feeding off of each other. And we need to look at this
• 33:13
  whole list of things that are happening in our bodies and the
• 33:17
  impact it's having and not just treat these one offs with 55
• 33:21
  different prescriptions. But no, like nobody working to
• 33:24
  help you make the connect points.
• 33:27
  Right. Exactly.
• 33:28
  Yeah. I have just.
• 33:31
  Become really diligent about it. You know, I get up earlier now,
• 33:37
  you know, would I like the extra hour sleep?
• 33:39
  Probably. But is it better for me to get
• 33:41
  up an hour early and do the things that I need to do for me?
• 33:45
  Yeah. So I'm going to do that.
• 33:47
  You know, there's certain things that I just they're they're not
• 33:51
  negotiable. I'm going to do them for myself.
• 33:53
  And I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.
• 33:57
  And. Sorry, not sorry.
• 34:00
  Exactly. You know, you know, So what I
• 34:04
  eat and put into my body now is really important to me, right?
• 34:09
  I've had to make a huge lifestyle change.
• 34:12
  I've had to go gluten free and dairy free and I got gluten the
• 34:18
  other day. You can always tell because I
• 34:19
  like. Do that.
• 34:21
  I swell up in these things that you're like, oh, right, that's
• 34:25
  why I don't do that. Yeah, I call it gluten, but you
• 34:30
  know, it was on accident, so. Yeah, yeah.
• 34:34
  But you know, I'm, you know, and I, I have never in my lifetime
• 34:39
  taken so many vitamins and supplements.
• 34:42
  It takes me all day long to get them all down.
• 34:45
  Really. Seriously.
• 34:47
  But I feel so much better, you know, and, you know, so there's
• 34:51
  just certain things that I make sure that I do every single day
• 34:55
  without fail. And you know, yeah.
• 34:59
  And for everybody. It looks different for
• 35:01
  everybody. self-care looks different for everybody.
• 35:04
  You know, it's about, you know, learning what's important to you
• 35:07
  and what your values are and, you know, yeah.
• 35:11
  Yeah, making those connect points.
• 35:12
  Yeah. Because that's so important.
• 35:14
  I mean, you know, make what are my values?
• 35:16
  What are things that nourish me OK?
• 35:17
  How does that feed into my values?
• 35:19
  And they're all connected. But yeah, I'm really mindful
• 35:21
  about that and being patient. And I, you know, I had a friend
• 35:25
  a few months ago and I've used this, I've talked about this a
• 35:28
  few Times Now where her kids are to the point now where they're
• 35:31
  both in high school, one's driving.
• 35:34
  She's all she's, she's had them, you know, they're I think 18 and
• 35:39
  15. She's worked, you know, for 2025
• 35:44
  years now. She's all of a sudden got this
• 35:46
  time in her day now that she's like, Oh my gosh, I don't know
• 35:48
  what to do with it. I feel like I should do this and
• 35:50
  this. And I'm like, why don't you do
• 35:51
  something for yourself? How about, you know, what are
• 35:54
  you doing for yourself during this time?
• 35:56
  This time has opened up What? What is something you enjoy?
• 35:59
  Just I don't even remember. I'm like, OK, so between now and
• 36:03
  the next time I see you, I want you to think about activities
• 36:07
  that nourish you. Go back to what?
• 36:09
  Nourish you before you were in the season 20 years ago.
• 36:12
  Does those things still stick? Or just start with something
• 36:15
  really simple? Just sit.
• 36:17
  Yeah. You don't have to do anything.
• 36:20
  I mean, just go sit outside with a drink of water or a cup of
• 36:24
  coffee or a glass of tea or whatever and sit and listen to
• 36:29
  the birds and or close your eyes for 20 minutes and take a power
• 36:32
  nap. I mean, start with something
• 36:35
  simple. But think about those things.
• 36:37
  And how about you? And yet invest instead of
• 36:39
  thinking about what else you can do, right?
• 36:43
  How is it I've got this time back?
• 36:44
  This is a gift, How can I nourish myself with it?
• 36:48
  Yeah, I think the other thing they have to learn too is how to
• 36:51
  shut their mind off when they do have that alone time, because I
• 36:54
  have so. And, you know, I was like that
• 36:56
  for a long time too. And I still and like that
• 36:59
  sometimes where I have, you know, alone quiet time.
• 37:01
  And my brain starts thinking, well, I really should be doing
• 37:05
  this. And then I'm like, wait a
• 37:07
  minute, no, you shouldn't. You know, you got to learn how
• 37:10
  to catch it. But that can be really hard for
• 37:13
  for women in the beginning to understand that it's OK to just
• 37:16
  do absolutely nothing. Yeah, yeah.
• 37:19
  Just let your mind rest in ink because then all of a sudden it
• 37:23
  you've got some space. But yeah, it's always
• 37:25
  interesting how we view that. But how can we support ourselves
• 37:29
  and other women and living unapologetically?
• 37:32
  You got to a point where you determined that not only you
• 37:40
  could be a resource to yourself, that you could also be a
• 37:43
  resource to other people in similar in caregiver situations.
• 37:48
  So for me, that is a prime example of how you show up for
• 37:53
  yourself and other women unapologetically and just by how
• 37:56
  you model your life, how you people can watch you and see you
• 38:00
  taking care of yourself. At what point did you make that
• 38:04
  shift and decide, not only can I be a resource to myself, I can
• 38:11
  be a resource to other people too?
• 38:13
  When, when did that happen and what would kind of how did that
• 38:16
  unfold? I think I've been that way my
• 38:20
  whole life, you know, you know, like I started the ranch and
• 38:25
  turn that into a nonprofit to do alternative therapy and.
• 38:30
  Therapy. My gosh, that's so powerful.
• 38:33
  Yeah. But serving other people and
• 38:36
  helping other people, that fills me up, you know, that gives me
• 38:42
  joy, that gives me energy. And I always want to help, you
• 38:47
  know, I want to help everybody see that they have huge
• 38:51
  potential inside of. And it's just learning, you
• 38:55
  know, that it's there and that you're worthy.
• 38:58
  And it doesn't matter what you want to do, you know, find
• 39:01
  something that you want to do that, you know, that gets you
• 39:04
  excited. And and yeah, you know, I knew
• 39:12
  that. OK, I have figured this out.
• 39:14
  Now I got to share it. I got it.
• 39:16
  You know, there are so many other women out there, yeah,
• 39:19
  that are going through and. And men too.
• 39:22
  Yeah. Yeah, the caregiving goes.
• 39:25
  Both sides of the fence on that. Yeah.
• 39:28
  And so, you know, I just, that's just me.
• 39:33
  That's just who I am. You know, if I can figure it out
• 39:36
  and you're not sure, I'm going to help you no matter what.
• 39:39
  Yeah, yeah, I love that. But I think something that you
• 39:42
  said is so important. Find that thing that energizes
• 39:46
  you and lights you up and also take care of yourself within
• 39:50
  that so it continues to energize you and light you because, you
• 39:55
  know you still have to take care of yourself within that.
• 39:57
  I think there can be a like I'm doing this thing that I love.
• 40:02
  Yes. And you want to keep loving it
• 40:03
  and you want to keep showing up that way.
• 40:05
  So make sure you're taking care of yourself in a way that allows
• 40:09
  you to continue to do that. Yeah.
• 40:11
  So, yeah. All right.
• 40:13
  Yeah. All right.
• 40:14
  And we've, we've talked about this a little bit too, but the
• 40:17
  importance of setting and coming back to your why and your values
• 40:22
  clear what you are engaged in is so aligned with your why and
• 40:27
  your values. It's very authentic to you as
• 40:29
  you've just talked about. Did you understand that early in
• 40:33
  your life that that was the deal?
• 40:35
  Or at what point did you really realize, see this alignment
• 40:38
  between the things you are passionate about and how you
• 40:41
  that could show up in your work and, and how you work and serve
• 40:45
  in that capacity? It just always showed up in any
• 40:51
  job that I had. I don't know how to explain it.
• 40:54
  For a long time, I was in restaurant management and so I
• 40:58
  had a lot of young girls come in, you know, to waitress and do
• 41:02
  things like that. And the common thread with them
• 41:07
  is not recognizing that they have true value and that they.
• 41:14
  It just seemed like I, I don't even know how to explain it,
• 41:18
  Melissa. It just came natural, you know,
• 41:22
  in every job that I've had, you know.
• 41:26
  Well, and yeah, I think that's a really interesting.
• 41:29
  I know, I know what you mean. I've like, I've always been
• 41:31
  passionate about women and women being well and knowing their
• 41:35
  value. And no matter what space I've
• 41:38
  been working in, I started out in human resources and then I've
• 41:41
  been with nonprofits and it's all, there's always been a space
• 41:45
  for that to show up in some way. So I think when you understand
• 41:49
  what it is, you're so that that importance of connecting what it
• 41:53
  is you're passionate about, what really lights you up and then
• 41:56
  finding ways for that to come out in the in your work in
• 42:00
  there, your things, you're engaged with community wise
• 42:03
  people, you surround yourself with all of that because there
• 42:07
  can be multiple avenues for that to show up in.
• 42:10
  But it's that knowledge and knowing that and tapping into
• 42:14
  that, that piece of you. Would you say that's how you
• 42:17
  showed up as a kid, too? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 42:22
  Yeah, yeah. And with animals too, you know.
• 42:25
  OK. And with animal.
• 42:27
  Yeah, I think that there. I'm glad you mentioned that
• 42:30
  because I think when you you're around animals a lot and you're
• 42:33
  caring for animals that have that responsibility from a young
• 42:35
  age, that creates a different kind of awareness too, I think
• 42:39
  and responsibility. And I also seen the value of
• 42:42
  that and so for from the horse. Did you grow up with horses?
• 42:50
  No, OK, not. So how did the horses come into
• 42:54
  play? Because that's a big
• 42:55
  responsibility. It is.
• 42:58
  Well, I did have a friend growing up who had a couple
• 43:01
  horses and anytime I could go to her farm I did.
• 43:04
  So, you know, I was always in love with horses.
• 43:06
  And then when I got older, I just decided that I wanted to
• 43:10
  ride, you know, So any chance I had, I rode even when we went on
• 43:15
  vacation and it didn't matter. There's one vacation, it's the
• 43:18
  middle of the winter. I'm like, we're going, we're
• 43:20
  going to go trail riding. And they're all looking at me
• 43:23
  like, are you crazy? Yeah, but I was always horse
• 43:28
  crazy. And, you know, so I, I started
• 43:32
  riding and then I moved to the country on purpose so I could
• 43:36
  have my own horses. And I just all riding came
• 43:40
  really natural to me. Sure.
• 43:43
  And that was some sort of self-care, too, I mean.
• 43:46
  That you know it. Yes, yes, it is.
• 43:50
  I was just talking about that. It's like when and I did a lot
• 43:54
  of training for 15 years, I trained horses and you have to
• 43:59
  be in the moment. It's like, it's like meditating,
• 44:03
  you know, you have to be very clear your intent.
• 44:07
  You have to let go of everything out here.
• 44:09
  You're in the moment and you have to be connected.
• 44:13
  And it is a pharma therapy for sure.
• 44:15
  And I think that got me through a lot of the things that I had
• 44:19
  experienced in my life in my later life, in my adulthood.
• 44:24
  You know, those horses were my lifeline.
• 44:28
  You know, they were my therapy for sure.
• 44:30
  Yeah, yeah. So the power of connecting to
• 44:33
  that when you were a kid and how that manifested in your life
• 44:37
  later and then able to see the power of that and help other
• 44:41
  people with that. I think you and I talked about
• 44:43
  this when you were on the radio show with me.
• 44:46
  But my husband got an opportunity to be part of a
• 44:50
  career coach she had when we lived 78 years ago.
• 44:54
  Now. Part of your work with this
• 44:57
  particular career coach was to spend some time with horses.
• 45:01
  And I will never forget the weekend that he went to Maryland
• 45:05
  to be on at the horse farm with this people that she partnered
• 45:11
  with for this particular part of being working with them.
• 45:15
  Wow. I mean, and, and to this day,
• 45:19
  this man is drawn to horses. We were in the middle of a hike
• 45:23
  in Ireland and horses were walking up to the fence and he
• 45:27
  stood there and did with the horses.
• 45:31
  I mean, the power and impact of that.
• 45:33
  So I think I mean, looking back on your life and how that became
• 45:37
  important to you as you're young and the power and, and, and the
• 45:41
  way that is taking care of you, you know, through that and how
• 45:45
  manifested too is really, you know, you knew that was
• 45:49
  something you valued. So you sought that out and it
• 45:52
  became, it's become such an important part of your own.
• 45:55
  Well, not to mention how you've helped other people.
• 45:58
  Yeah, yeah. Well, and you know, the universe
• 46:02
  has a strange way of bringing people and things and
• 46:06
  circumstances into your life that you need.
• 46:10
  For. Sure.
• 46:11
  Yeah, that's that one sticks out to me is a big one for you, man.
• 46:15
  You just never know the impact that those things are going to
• 46:17
  have. Thank you for sharing that.
• 46:19
  All right, yeah, living out of your own expectations versus
• 46:23
  others. This is something that I mean,
• 46:26
  like we've talked about, there's a lot of stigmas and outer
• 46:31
  cultural narratives about how you should show up when you're
• 46:35
  taking care of a loved one versus what's reality.
• 46:39
  And a lot of judgement on from people just culturally that it's
• 46:44
  like you don't know anything about this.
• 46:47
  You would never get in this situation.
• 46:49
  Why is it that you think that you have have that you should
• 46:53
  have an opinion about this And and you know, you have you're
• 46:57
  getting a snapshot of a moment. You have no idea what their
• 46:59
  day-to-day is like. And so really with within that,
• 47:04
  like, OK, I'm going to have to really redefine this for myself
• 47:08
  for a place that's healthy and and live and make sure because
• 47:12
  so much I think because so much of these things that we do to
• 47:15
  ourselves, guilt wise and stigma wise come from these cultural
• 47:19
  narratives that were surrounded so much of that.
• 47:22
  So talk to me about that expectations journey piece for
• 47:25
  you. Well, you know, as you were
• 47:27
  talking about this, my mom's voice is in my head.
• 47:30
  What will people think when it and you know, yes, and what,
• 47:37
  what you shouldn't do that. What will people think?
• 47:40
  You know, and you know, now I, I don't care, you know, I don't
• 47:44
  care what anybody thinks, you know, But that's a really hard
• 47:47
  one for people, especially I think it's really hard for
• 47:52
  parents who have a child with a disability.
• 47:54
  Sure. Because, you know, you're
• 47:57
  supposed to do things a certain way, and it doesn't always work
• 48:01
  for that child, right? Yeah.
• 48:05
  Yeah. And so just that's when, you
• 48:10
  know, you start to become an advocate for the child and an
• 48:14
  advocate for you and what will work with your situation.
• 48:19
  And I think that society is getting better about recognizing
• 48:24
  that, you know, especially actually with kids, they don't
• 48:26
  all learn the same, you know, and you know, you can't put them
• 48:31
  under one umbrella. You have to like find what's
• 48:35
  going to work best for them and nurture them.
• 48:38
  And I think that when you're a caregiver, you have to look at
• 48:41
  your situation the same thing, same way.
• 48:43
  What's going to work best for you and who you're caring for
• 48:48
  and then do it that way, You know, I mean, like my daughter
• 48:53
  has always been a night owl. It's been constant, it's been a
• 48:56
  constant battle to get her up in the morning.
• 48:59
  And it just got to the point where I was so stressed out the
• 49:01
  night before. If we had a morning appoint
• 49:04
  appointment thinking, Oh my God, can I get her up?
• 49:08
  She's going to get up. Are we going to get there in
• 49:09
  time? And I mean, it was just this
• 49:10
  constant and and finally, I just thought, this is stupid.
• 49:15
  If they can accommodate us in the afternoon, we're not going
• 49:18
  right. No, we need appointments.
• 49:20
  You don't. Need to do that to ourselves.
• 49:23
  And if she wants as an adult, she would work the the overnight
• 49:27
  shift. She, you know, that's, that's
• 49:30
  who she is. So if she wants to stay up until
• 49:32
  2:00 in the morning and sleep until 11 or noon, I don't care.
• 49:38
  And if you're going to judge me for that, I don't care either
• 49:42
  because that's what works in our life, you know?
• 49:45
  And so I really encourage, you know, the caregivers to look at
• 49:50
  what works and what doesn't and then build your life around
• 49:53
  that, you know? Yeah.
• 49:56
  I had nothing. Wrong with that.
• 49:58
  No, no, I love that. That's such a great example.
• 50:01
  And I had a, a conversation with a guest about this Cindy Ingram
• 50:05
  in the fall where she deals her, her in her family there they're
• 50:12
  on various levels of the spectrum.
• 50:14
  Her, her husband and her kids are on various levels of the
• 50:17
  spectrum autistic wise. And so they have just socially,
• 50:22
  there's just different things that ways that they have to
• 50:24
  operate. And so they had to have a very
• 50:27
  serious discussion with their family about the fact of when we
• 50:30
  come for Christmas, we're going to get an Airbnb and get our own
• 50:35
  space because we get we get to a point where we need to be done.
• 50:40
  We need to recharge, we need to take a break.
• 50:44
  It is no reflection on you. It is no reflection on anybody
• 50:48
  other than this is what if you, you know, even.
• 50:51
  And that's either OK or we just don't come.
• 50:55
  But this is the way we have to do things.
• 50:58
  And it was a little bit of a battle, but over time, the
• 51:01
  family realized we either get them this way or we don't get
• 51:04
  them at all. And yeah, and but it, but it
• 51:08
  took time. They did a few years and it was
• 51:11
  just a battle. It was miserable.
• 51:13
  And it it just came to a point where she's like, Nope, you're
• 51:17
  not doing this anymore. And no one knows your situation
• 51:21
  better than you. And so.
• 51:23
  And sometimes that requires some hard conversations with the
• 51:27
  people we love or the doctor's office or the hair place or
• 51:31
  whatever it is. Exactly.
• 51:34
  Yeah, getting to that point where this is my life day-to-day
• 51:38
  and and those that are around me that I'm surrounding myself,
• 51:42
  trust me and know that we're doing what's well and good for
• 51:45
  us and you just have to release the rest of it.
• 51:49
  But getting to that point where you have that confidence.
• 51:51
  But I know what you mean about that.
• 51:52
  As soon as you said that or what I I heard the voices too.
• 51:56
  Like that was such a prominent voice.
• 52:00
  What will they think? What will they?
• 52:02
  I mean, that's it. I mean, it's like that is
• 52:04
  exhausting and it, it's it's like having chains around you
• 52:08
  because. Yeah, it's.
• 52:10
  Very freeing when you decide that you no longer care what
• 52:14
  anybody thinks you know. You're going to release it and
• 52:18
  we're going to live our the healthiest version of ourselves.
• 52:20
  We're going to show up well, we're going to be kind
• 52:23
  compassionate, but we're also going to stand up for ourselves
• 52:26
  and not be enslaved by other people's expectations or notions
• 52:33
  of what's correct when they have not wrapped in their shoes.
• 52:36
  So thank you for that. So good.
• 52:37
  Thank you so much for that. All right, accepting the layered
• 52:41
  aspects of ourselves. And when I'm talking with women,
• 52:44
  I'm like, for me, it starts here to in order to value yourself to
• 52:50
  a point where you're willing to prioritize yourself.
• 52:54
  It it, you got to come to this kind of come to Jesus moment
• 52:58
  with accepting all the parts and portions and seasons and
• 53:02
  decisions of your life. And we talked about this
• 53:05
  earlier, dealing with the things we didn't see coming and, and
• 53:10
  getting OK with that. And and, you know, you don't
• 53:12
  have to love every part of it. Do you at least got to get to a
• 53:16
  point where you release the judgement and something that
• 53:19
  really helped me in my own journey, it, which is different
• 53:22
  than yours, but also still just having to accept those layers is
• 53:25
  OK. I'm going to and my therapist
• 53:27
  really helped me with this, replacing judgement with
• 53:29
  curiosity. Get curious.
• 53:32
  Yeah. And, and, and when you get
• 53:33
  curious, that creates, you know, points of releasing the
• 53:38
  judgement and like, OK, given this situation, I see why it is
• 53:44
  that I would, you know, when it comes to forgiving, you know,
• 53:46
  like, oh, I'm hating this moment right now or I'm mourning what I
• 53:49
  thought was going to be getting curious about that.
• 53:52
  Rather than beating yourself up about that, you had to do that.
• 53:56
  You had to work through what I call accepting those layers.
• 54:00
  Talk to me about that year's journey and the impact that has
• 54:03
  had on you, not only in your relationship with yourself but
• 54:06
  with other people. I think a lot of it was learning
• 54:13
  to accept who I was, for one and, you know, doing, doing, you
• 54:21
  know, the work on me and believing that I was just as
• 54:25
  worthy, you know, and that it was OK for me to do the things
• 54:31
  that I wanted to do and that people didn't have to agree with
• 54:36
  me. And it was still OK because
• 54:40
  you're going to be judged one way or the other anyway.
• 54:44
  And so learning to stop living for everyone else was another
• 54:51
  part of it for me also. But within that, learning to
• 54:58
  just be really grateful for what I already had in my life, you
• 55:03
  know? Yeah, even even down to the to
• 55:07
  the little things, you know. And so still to this day, I try
• 55:12
  to every morning, you know, before I get out of bed, do
• 55:15
  gratitude work, you know, and set an intention.
• 55:19
  I think that we have way more control over how our day is
• 55:25
  going to go and how we move through life than we give
• 55:29
  ourself credit for. You know, you can decide who you
• 55:34
  want to be, how you want to feel, what you want to do in the
• 55:37
  world and how you want to show up.
• 55:39
  You know, that really, truly is a choice.
• 55:43
  It's not. It doesn't just happen.
• 55:46
  You know, it's a choice to do things different, make changes,
• 55:51
  become a better version of who you are.
• 55:55
  So yeah, I would say the gratitude work for one started
• 56:00
  me in the right direction, if that makes sense.
• 56:02
  Sure, you know. And there's always to be
• 56:04
  grateful. I don't care who you are, you
• 56:06
  know, or what is going on in your life.
• 56:08
  There's there's always at least one thing to be grateful for.
• 56:11
  And when you when you focus on that, it changes something in
• 56:17
  here, you know, because I was angry for a long for a long, I
• 56:22
  didn't like my life, you know? And.
• 56:26
  When you focus on that, you just feel that fire.
• 56:28
  Yeah. I mean, I think it's that thin
• 56:30
  line between processing and feeling the anger and then
• 56:33
  moving through it and moving forward.
• 56:35
  And you have to get to a point where you need to feel it.
• 56:38
  You can't stuff it, but you got to yeah, you move through it and
• 56:42
  move forward and move to that next phase where you have the
• 56:46
  nuance of, yes, all of this over here is true and it's hard.
• 56:49
  But also so is this like we can hold and getting to that point
• 56:54
  where you can see those things, see those blessings, see those
• 56:57
  things that you have, you know, in both spaces.
• 57:01
  I think that's such an important piece.
• 57:03
  And you may I had this had to be tricky.
• 57:05
  You know, your daughter's not your only child.
• 57:08
  So also navigating those other relationships and creating space
• 57:13
  where you can show up for those the way you want to, but also
• 57:17
  forgiving yourself for the times that you didn't because you just
• 57:22
  were trying to figure it out. I'm sure that has been a part of
• 57:25
  your journey as well. Oh, huge, huge because like I
• 57:30
  said, I just wanted to be a mom, you know, and I loved spending
• 57:36
  time with my boys. And so I that was during the 10
• 57:41
  year period where I ran myself Reagan and I shut up.
• 57:45
  But you know, it was important for me to show up for them, you
• 57:49
  know, because they did kind of get the short end.
• 57:52
  Of the stick. You know, I had no control over
• 57:57
  that. You know, if she was sick and
• 58:00
  ended up in the hospital, that's where we were.
• 58:03
  And so anytime I could, I tried to make them understand that,
• 58:09
  you know, they were just as loved and worthy and everything
• 58:13
  as she was. And I think, Melissa, in the
• 58:16
  long run, I have to say that my boys are incredible.
• 58:23
  You know, they have huge hearts. They've learned so much from
• 58:26
  watching all of this, you know, so.
• 58:31
  But man, that mother guilt, that can really do a number on you,
• 58:37
  right? Absolutely.
• 58:38
  Well, that's I think for you has to be part of that layers piece
• 58:41
  of like, gosh, I just, I, I did the best I could.
• 58:45
  But also tells me this you talking about your sons and them
• 58:50
  having the big hearts and learning.
• 58:52
  You had to have been a pretty darn good parent for them to be
• 58:55
  able to garner that. Because there can be situations
• 58:59
  where kids come into those situations that feel like they
• 59:01
  just got lost and forgotten. So you did, you did something.
• 59:05
  Well, I want to give you kudos for that, That they were able,
• 59:09
  that they were able to see that. And because here's the thing
• 59:15
  about kids, and we know those of us that have grown kids are very
• 59:18
  aware of it. They remember what you can say
• 59:21
  things till the cows come home. They remember what they saw.
• 59:25
  They remember what their experience was.
• 59:28
  They know, like if your words and your actions are not lining
• 59:32
  up, the actions are what take predominance in their memory.
• 59:37
  So, so yeah, you know, and so I think too, I, I would imagine
• 59:42
  now as you get to this point where you have, you are to me
• 59:46
  are a, a prime example of living out feel, finding out
• 59:49
  empowerment, embracing layers. You have done the work.
• 59:52
  You have done that and you're seeing that now in your
• 59:55
  relationships with your own children, you know, and, and,
• 1:00:00
  and being engaged with them. So I think 2 is just, you know,
• 1:00:04
  remembering that's a journey. Is there anything you want to
• 1:00:06
  add to that? Because that to me is very
• 1:00:08
  evident. Oh, what would I want to add to
• 1:00:12
  that? I don't know.
• 1:00:16
  You know, I just, I try to be just be me, you know, and
• 1:00:24
  authentic and, you know, if I love you, you're gonna know it.
• 1:00:27
  And that took a while to get there, you know, and it did.
• 1:00:32
  It took a while to be OK with who I am, comfortable in my own
• 1:00:37
  skin, you know, all of that. And it's all.
• 1:00:40
  It's a journey it, you know. Yeah.
• 1:00:42
  I hope I still continue to grow. Absolutely.
• 1:00:46
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:00:47
  Yeah. I think there's something I.
• 1:00:50
  You put the effort in to what is important to you, you know?
• 1:00:56
  Yeah. Yeah, what you value goes back
• 1:00:57
  to what you value and you know, and, and identifying that and
• 1:01:01
  prioritizing that. And I think too, for our
• 1:01:05
  generation, we had to break some generational habits even with,
• 1:01:10
  you know, without adding the caregiver layer onto your layer.
• 1:01:14
  We already had some generational habits to break.
• 1:01:18
  Because before that in our parents and grandparents and
• 1:01:22
  before generations do these things, you didn't prioritize
• 1:01:26
  your Wellness as a woman, especially you didn't do that.
• 1:01:29
  You, you knocked yourself out and you lived as a martyr and
• 1:01:33
  you did all these things and you hoped people would read your
• 1:01:35
  mind and show up and magically help.
• 1:01:37
  And then you got mad when they didn't.
• 1:01:39
  And then you got. Mad when they couldn't read your
• 1:01:40
  mind. Exactly.
• 1:01:43
  And so we've had to do I as collectively, we've had to do
• 1:01:47
  our own work in that space. And and then that becomes even
• 1:01:50
  more necessary when you've had the experiences you've had in
• 1:01:54
  terms of the caregiving piece. So I think that's all part of
• 1:01:58
  that layers journey, but it has because you've done the work and
• 1:02:02
  and you've seen it not only play out well for yourself, but also
• 1:02:05
  in how your this life that has unfolded for you, that what you
• 1:02:10
  have gained from that. And I told you before we started
• 1:02:13
  recording, you know, I follow you on Instagram, I get to see
• 1:02:17
  the joyful parts of the day, the fun parts with, with, with your
• 1:02:21
  kids, with your daughter and all the pieces of that.
• 1:02:24
  Because it, you know, I think sometimes it can be really hard
• 1:02:28
  when you don't have resources supporting you.
• 1:02:31
  You just get stuck in the mire of the hard stuff and you miss
• 1:02:34
  those joyful moments because you're just so tired and ragged.
• 1:02:38
  And because you've done the work and you've asked for help and
• 1:02:41
  you've gotten the resources and now you provide the resources,
• 1:02:44
  you're able to experience those moments and those joyful parts
• 1:02:48
  of life that come with with this life that you have.
• 1:02:52
  Yeah, yeah, for sure. I look forward to them, you
• 1:02:55
  know? Yeah.
• 1:02:58
  Yeah, I think that's an important piece.
• 1:02:59
  You do that really well. Thank you for that.
• 1:03:01
  All right, we're down to the rapid fire.
• 1:03:04
  Name 5 activities that nourish you.
• 1:03:07
  You know, Boom, boom, boom. No, I don't know.
• 1:03:10
  It's good. Boom, boom, boom.
• 1:03:12
  I don't. You can't.
• 1:03:15
  Here we go. OK riding horses, hiking,
• 1:03:19
  anything to do with the water, boating, paddle boarding, sauna,
• 1:03:23
  facials, time with friends, a good cup of coffee.
• 1:03:28
  Yeah, I think that was more than. 5.
• 1:03:30
  It was. That's good, though.
• 1:03:31
  It's good that you have more. I love that.
• 1:03:33
  That's so great. All right.
• 1:03:34
  And five words on how you want to feel the next six months.
• 1:03:39
  And how I want to feel the next six months.
• 1:03:41
  Oh, Healthy, strong, resilience. Spunky, peaceful, grateful.
• 1:03:51
  Yeah. In love, Yeah.
• 1:03:53
  I love those. Oh, Lynette, so good.
• 1:03:56
  All right, this is all going to be on our resources page at
• 1:03:59
  embracinglayers.com. But tell people where they can
• 1:04:01
  find you and follow you and get and some of the resources that
• 1:04:04
  you have available to them. OK, you can find me on Facebook
• 1:04:10
  under Lynette Weldon or Coaching with Lynette.
• 1:04:13
  We have a private Facebook group for caregivers who want extra
• 1:04:17
  support and want a safe place to talk about things.
• 1:04:21
  So just message me and I'll put you in that group.
• 1:04:24
  I have a five week caregiver course that goes through all the
• 1:04:27
  different aspects that we talked about.
• 1:04:29
  Basically today I have a new Caregiver Calm app coming out,
• 1:04:34
  so it's like you get in your pocket every day.
• 1:04:38
  You get a text message, affirmations, meditation, stuff
• 1:04:42
  like that. I'm really excited about that.
• 1:04:45
  Yeah. You know, and I have other
• 1:04:47
  resources too. There's a ton of resources in
• 1:04:50
  our group, or even if you just e-mail me coaching with Lynette,
• 1:04:55
  you can find me at lynetteweldon.com and I am more
• 1:05:00
  than happy to send out whatever you're looking for.
• 1:05:04
  You know for sure, yeah. Great.
• 1:05:08
  Thank you for sharing that. All right, folks, you've heard
• 1:05:10
  it here, there. If you're in a caregiving space,
• 1:05:13
  you have friends that are caregivers, we loved ones, we
• 1:05:17
  have resources for you and Lynette is one of those
• 1:05:20
  resources and we're so lucky to have those.
• 1:05:23
  So go to that page on our, go to our website, go to
• 1:05:27
  embracinglayers.com, check those things, outreach out to her,
• 1:05:30
  utilize these things. It's OK to ask for help.
• 1:05:33
  It's OK to tell your friends about it and maybe you nudge
• 1:05:37
  them, support them. If there's ways that you can
• 1:05:39
  support them. Can you go over for an hour and
• 1:05:44
  fold their laundry so they can go for a walk?
• 1:05:46
  Can you or take a shower or something?
• 1:05:50
  So if you're not a caregiver, but you know friends that are,
• 1:05:53
  how can you support them? How can you help them in a way
• 1:05:57
  that maybe it could be supportive of them, but also
• 1:05:59
  letting them know about those resources.
• 1:06:00
  So some things to think about as we wrap up this episode.
• 1:06:04
  Thank you so much for being with me today.
• 1:06:05
  I always enjoy our time. Thank you.
• 1:06:08
  I love you, Melissa. All right, all right.
• 1:06:11
  Take good care. I love you too.
• 1:06:13
  We love you, we love you out there, ladies, we want to help
• 1:06:16
  you. We want to be support to you and
• 1:06:18
  we've got resources for you. So take good care of yourselves,
• 1:06:21
  utilize those resources and have a great rest of your day.
• 1:06:24
  Thanks for giving some of your time to us today.
• 1:06:26
  We hope this is felt supportive to you.
• 1:06:29
  Take good care. Hello, Melissa Crook here.
• 1:06:34
  Thank you so much for joining us on the field podcast today.
• 1:06:39
  Finding Empowerment. Embracing Layers.
• 1:06:42
  I hope you found today's framework and resources
• 1:06:45
  supportive and informative. To learn more about all that we
• 1:06:49
  offer here at the Embracing Layers Network, visit
• 1:06:53
  embracinglayers.com. You can go to our contact form
• 1:06:57
  to schedule me as a speaker for your next conference, workshop,
• 1:07:01
  or seminar. You can go to our book page to
• 1:07:04
  order our book, The Jessica Garrison, our wonderful and
• 1:07:08
  talented writer and author, authored with my support and
• 1:07:13
  engage with this framework in written form, with your journal,
• 1:07:16
  or in a book club with other women inviting them on this
• 1:07:20
  journey with you. You can look at our resources
• 1:07:23
  page for all of the helpful and insightful resources our guests
• 1:07:27
  offer and share. You can find the schedule for
• 1:07:30
  our weekly Together we feel women's panel conversations that
• 1:07:34
  we're holding each Monday on our YouTube channel and you can find
• 1:07:38
  the links to all the spaces and places.
• 1:07:41
  You can then follow engage with us on social media and join our
• 1:07:45
  engagements that are happening on our sub stat site.
• 1:07:50
  There is also a donation page where you can donate to support
• 1:07:53
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• 1:07:57
  incredible guests, conversations, and support.
• 1:08:01
  Thanks again for joining me this week.
• 1:08:03
  Share with your friends and give us a review on your favorite
• 1:08:07
  listening platform. Your feedback helps us ensure
• 1:08:10
  we're bringing you the content that will best support you and
• 1:08:14
  having an empowered Embracing Layers journey.
• 1:08:17
  Take good care and thanks for giving us some of your valuable
• 1:08:21
  time today. We truly appreciate you so
• 1:08:25
  deeply. Finding power, man.
• 1:08:30
  Embracing layers. Yeah, we get to.
• 1:08:34
  We get to feel.