Latest / 8 Years To Live / My Shoes Are Too Tight | Anxiety, Overthinking & Vulnerability
Transcript
- speaker-0: Every person has a story. Some shape us, some break us, and some help us heal. Join Sisters Kim and Bibi as they explore mental health, trauma, relationships, and personal growth through honest conversations, lived experiences, and professional insights. Because understanding your story can change the way you live it. This is Eight Years to Live. speaker-1: I had gone into a coma. I would just say Maria Shriver. Yes. Yes. Why do we have so many nicknames for each other? Because speaker-0: Okay. speaker-1: medical trauma is one of the most under-recognized forms of trauma. Who are you gonna talk to when I die? She's already telling you you've got eight years slip. Kim? Kimberly? Is that you? Is that really really you? It's really really me. Is that you, Jojo? BB? Who are you today? I don't know. But www. What are you doing? Where are you at? Where you with? I am recording a podcast. I'm in Las Vegas. And I have some really exciting news. What? We've been wanting to have this person on. The pod for some time. We've scheduled and unscheduled and rescheduled. And here we are. One of my favorite people. Really truly. That's me. man. W I'm at home. We're doing some demolishing in the house. So the walls are bare. Usually it doesn't look like this. it has been quite the day. Almost had reschedule again today for another emergency. Thankfully we didn't. So I'm at home. The whole upstairs is empty. It might sound echoey. And I'm recording a podcast. Ruben, my husband, is somewhere in the house, and I am equally, if not more excited, about who we're going to talk to today. I was so excited. I didn't even want to ask you, WWW. I know. I had to bring it back. Come back down to Earth. What am I doing? I know what you're doing. Exactly. Anyway, Automaro, aka Naughty N-O-T-Y. Geese Brecht. Welcome to the podcast. speaker-2: What up? Thanks for having me. speaker-1: aka Naughty Bear. speaker-2: AK we could go on for a while. I feel like with all my nicknames, but speaker-1: Yes, we could. Exactly. So you how would you introduce yourself? Do you want to go ahead and introduce yourself in a way that you feel you identify with? speaker-2: Sure. I feel like I usually introduce myself by saying I'm nervous. I feel like I always like I get that out of the way so people know like what's up. But I'm more excited than anything. I'm not really nervous. But yeah, I'm automarl. I'm a student at Boise State University. I'm a graphic designer and a musician. And I'm these guys is nephew. speaker-1: Yes, yes. I love all those introductions about yourself. That's a good way to say it too. Like I'm nervous because that's typically me too. I've got a lot of anxiety. Why? I don't know, I just do. speaker-2: It's just excitement bro. It's just excitement. Yeah. speaker-1: Same Yes. Yep, me too. I always tell my No, tell me, tell me. Shake it. speaker-2: I'm like I'm pumped. I'm excited I'm excited and I wanna be like serious. Or not like too serious, but like I wanna, you know, I wanna like respect the vibe and whatnot. And it's very like we're very unserious, so I'm trying to find a balance. speaker-1: Well that's okay. The vibe is what it is. We can respect how we always are and just be how we are. You have like we are just it's a conversation. I'll get it out of the way too. I'm off the jittery. I've been feel like I've been running back and forth and I've just been anticipating this moment all day, so I'm so excited. So I get up get the shakes out. We can have the shakes throughout the whole thing together. speaker-2: Sweet. I just ate for the first time today after like two cups of coffee, so I'm still like kind of coming back down. You know? speaker-1: Yep. I had the ADHD anticipation all day. It's like what time is it? What time is it? Do I need to get in to set up? And then twenty minutes before is up. speaker-2: Yeah, and then I can't like do anything until that thing gets done that I know I have to do later. Or I get to do later, you know? It's like speaker-0: Yep. speaker-1: What do you have to do? One thing. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. Do it. Do it. Do it. And then my gosh, now I'm late. Do the last start. Gosh. speaker-2: I had like I was setting up an hour beforehand because I knew I was like, you're gonna be late. Don't do this again. Like strongly prepared. speaker-1: Exactly. Yeah. Pretty crazy. I like to set up early too, because if I don't, then I'm like buzzing, sitting up, turning on the lights, making sure the camera's right, and then shaking because I don't even know how to turn my computer on. It's like, wait, I do this all the time. But if I give myself enough time, it's like, there we go. Me too. our our mother's apartment flooded at four in morning. So she got put up in a hotel. Yes. So that's why I thought maybe we'll have to reschedule. But I thought, no, we can't reschedule again. We can't do this. We just have to do it. So I got here to my house at three thirty. A couple of friends were here helping us demo part of the house. I'm like, Hi, I love you. I have to go. Didn't have lashes on, turn my sunny's on. Turn my lights on. I'm vibrating. I don't know how to work my phone. Haven't looked at the questions. Yeah. Welcome back. Okay, speaker-2: Exactly. speaker-1: so one reason why I wanted to have you on before we lose track, I do think some of these questions I would want to know for myself about you, even though you're my nephew. First, I really want to highlight, I guess might be the word that you are officially a recording artist. How cool is that. speaker-2: long time coming, I feel like. But where's she? speaker-1: Long time coming, like how long? speaker-2: I mean really like probably eight years. Started writing stuff when I was like eleven or twelve and I'm twenty now, so Wow. Yeah. Not that I was ready to record stuff at that time, but you know. Beginning to write now is probably like eight years, nine years. speaker-1: My gosh. That's amazing. So you're twenty. Do you feel like an adult yet? speaker-2: Kinda depends on the day. Kinda depends on the context, you know. I think there are times when I'm like reminded that I am an adult and I have to be an adult. And there's other times where like I was drawing all day and like playing guitar in my room and that was like a very I don't know, to me that doesn't feel like adult stuff, I guess, but yeah, it really just depends on the day, depends on the situation I'm in. But I guess overall I'd say I'm starting to, like bit by bit. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. Same. And I'm fifty. speaker-2: Yeah. And that's that's what I've heard from a lot of people is like s I I sometimes there is kind of that like adult moment, but a lot of the times it's like depends on the day for a lot of people, you know. Some days you do feel like you're a kid. Sometimes you're not even aware of your age. You know, it's not even like a thing. speaker-1: Yeah. Yes. I would say that's me. I hardly ever think about my age. Hardly ever. Unless I'm asked and then I f forget half the time. Like I th I'm in my forties. I'm forty one, forty two, or forty three. But yeah, I think half the time it doesn't really matter. Like it's irrelevant. speaker-2: Yeah. Do you feel like do you feel like an age a lot of the time now? Are you aware of that or is that like not really a thing either? speaker-1: No, I am now. I don't really feel fifty, but for a long time I was stuck at nineteen for a really long time. If somebody asks me how old are you, it's like, I feel nineteen. Why nineteen? I'm gonna have to explore that with my therapist. I don't know. But nineteen was my age. I don't know. Not even that it was like a really great age, but speaker-2: Well feeling I f I like feeling stuck at a certain age, I definitely get I feel like I was like I would I was stuck at like twelve for a long time and then I got stuck at seventeen and now I'm starting to like realize that I'm twenty and that like is natural to say instead of seventeen, you know? speaker-1: That's where I'm at too, yeah. Finally at the age of 50. It took me little speaker-2: Gotta get there sometime. speaker-1: exactly. Okay, so this question I was really curious about. Like, do you ever feel caught between who your family knows you as and who you're becoming? That's a good question. speaker-2: That is a good question. I think Again, it it kind of depends on the context because sometimes yes and sometimes no. I feel like you guys all know me pretty well. and I think I'm like I I try to be authentic around you guys. I try and just be myself. So I think you guys do have like a really solid understanding of who I am. But I think that sometimes because you guys knew me, and not just you guys specifically, but like I'm talking like aunts and uncles and voila and stuff like that. I think because you guys knew me when I was so young, there are certain like attributes that might get associated with me right now that I don't necessarily like identify with, I guess. Like I was like scared of everything when I was a kid and I feel like I let that hold me back a lot and I don't feel that way much anymore. In the sense of like letting it hold me back. I still definitely feel fear about a lot of stuff, but I don't know. I don't know. I think as we continue to have these kinds of conversations, it's I mean I'm just gets to know I get to know you guys better, you get to know me better, but there doesn't feel like a big gap between like who I who I think I am and who you guys think I am or how you treat me. Like it's pretty speaker-1: And then speaker-2: pretty close. speaker-1: Diction B. Didn't read any of the questions, but I do have one. With you saying that, I thought, do you do you what you say you have a rich inner world? Because I think my rich inner world doesn't get exposed often. So I that's like my internal landscape, thoughts, feelings, ideas that kind of get put under who I am outwardly and I don't even do it intentionally as subconscious and so that I don't know if you'll be able to answer that right now, but would you say that you have a rich inner world that you don't typically share externally? speaker-2: I do think I have a rich inner world from that description of what it is, and I think I do my best to share it when prompted. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. speaker-2: It's not necessarily something that I am quick to show to other people or let other people into, but I think Like with you guys, for instance, I keep I reference conversations like this because me and Mao have had multiple phone calls hours long sometimes of just kinda going back and forth and kinda like me sharing that inner world and just being honest about about, you know, my thoughts and what I'm like feeling that day or what I've been feeling and complex thoughts that I don't really share with a lot of people. I guess I guess it kind of depends on what aspect of my inner world you would be talking about. Because I also think I share that in music. You know, it kind of comes from the inner world. And so I think I'm always I always have a desire to share, but like on my own terms, I guess. Like in the way that I want to or the way I see fit. And so it's nice with music 'cause I can 'cause I get to choose how I do it. You know? I I don't know if that makes sense, but speaker-1: Mm-hmm. It does. It makes perfect sense, I think, for a few different reasons. One, music, it's like a creative outlet that I do think like ebbs and flows probably some of it from your subconscious. For me that's how it is like with writing, 'cause I like writing poetry or just I like just creative writing. Yeah. And I don't think about it as much and I just let I just start writing. And it just starts coming out. I'm like, like I I didn't quite know that was there, but I'm glad it's coming out. so that made total sense. And I think being prompted, I can understand because if someone asks the right question, my inner world just wants to come out, but I don't realize it wants to come out unless someone asks, I'm like, yes, yes, like I know exactly what you're talking about. So that made so much sense to me. speaker-2: Awesome. I almost feel like to kind of add on to that, well, you were saying about writing, how you'll be like kind of in like a flow state and you'll just be writing and then stuff will come like, I didn't know that was there, or I didn't know that was still there, you know, something that you thought you might have kind of gotten over. I feel like writing is writing and music both to me that's like kind of connected. It's a way it's like you're kind of like mapping it out. Where it's like, okay, I know that this is here and I didn't know that this was here, so I'm gonna write that down. And then, you know, you kind of just like navigate through the the inner world, you know. And I think people use different tools all the time. But for me writing has always been like a really surefire way to get that flowing and then to remember what I found, you know. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. Exactly. I think that maps out the the internal landscape. Like you're mapping it out by writing, by singing, by recording it, and then you'll grow from there. Your landscape will grow. It'll get prettier, you'll just add to it. That's such a cool way to describe it. speaker-2: Yeah. That's how I see it. speaker-0: Would you say then that like like you're not gonna share your inner world, you know, unless you're prompted? It's not like you're hiding it from people. It's just, you know, the question hasn't been asked, at least that's kind of what I'm hearing. Would you say that like when you're writing for music that's gonna be released, even in this the y first song that you released, were you hesitant to put that in there because it was maybe a more vulnerable topic? I don't know if that makes sense. It's like for me, I'm usually hesitant. Yeah, okay. Go ahead. speaker-2: No, yeah, I didn't mean to to cut you off. But yeah, I understand what you're asking. I think it comes a lot of it comes down to why I'm doing what I'm doing. And I don't necessarily write well, right now I don't like write with the intention of it being shared specifically, because I think if I did, that would hold me back from a lot. I'm more just like mapping stuff out. Trying to figure it out, looking around, seeing like this is new, this is new, just kind of like feeling it out and expressing. And I think for me it's more a matter of like one, I would love to make money off of music and just like live off of music. That would be amazing. And I think you can't get there if you don't share stuff and start to put stuff out. And so I think that's a lot of why I've started to put things out because I do One, I do want to share what I've made. I think that's important. and I do wanna like I wanna take it somewhere and I'd like to do something with it. And so I think keeping that intention in mind, that stuff comes after. That's like a whole separate thing. And so I'm writing and I'm doing what I have to do and I'm like in the process and I'm working. And then once that's done, then it's like, okay, now I'll just put it out. And it was a little nerve wracking at first to introduce people to that but I did I kept the lyrics pretty broad in this first one. I wasn't very like this is what I feel. It's more just like this is a way to say what I've been thinking about. Or this is a way to say what I've been processing lately. Here it is. You know so I think because I didn't get super specific with it it was a lot easier to put it out. But it was definitely nerve wracking seeing people like playing it for people. Playing demos for people is like the most uncomfortable thing because it's like, here's this idea I have, and it kinda sucks right now, but I'm hoping that you can hear it the way I hear it. And a lot of the time people can, which is nice. But yeah, there does it's like this anticipation of like, this is what it looks like on the inside, or this is what it sounds like on the inside. What do you think about that? You know, that's a lot to that's a lot to do sometimes. That's a lot to share. speaker-1: Yes. Well it seems like it's a lot of vulnerability. Yes. speaker-2: Mm-hmm. speaker-1: And it's kind of asking, like, what do you think about me? Like what do you think about like do you like this? Am I gonna be rejected? And I think we bow and ice or Kim, whatever she wants to go by. We can relate because that's what this podcast is. It's like you put it on and it comes up on social media. I'm like, ooh. There's my face. And then I hear and I'm like, there's my voice. my god, I'm talking about this vulnerable thing. That's so weird. But it's so cool because our what two followers, our two listeners like it. Why that's great. But also like what you were saying made me think of I'm gonna do a little name dropping. Rick Rubin. I know you and I have talked about Rick Rubin. He kind of has it seems like this, a similar approach. Like he's not writing it to get attention or to get a reaction. He's just writing. He's just being raw. And whatever whoever that attracts, that's his audience. And then eventually that's kind of everyone because being raw is I think what hits people the most. Like, this person is just Everybody, like you're everybody, and that's relatable. So I think that's such a cool that wasn't a question, but I just wanted to to say that. Like that's such a cool way to be, just kind of opening yourself up to the world and saying, here I am. speaker-2: Mm. speaker-1: Can you do you wanna listen? Do you wanna relate? Do you want to connect? And connecting is such a huge part of music. speaker-2: Absolutely. I think for me it's it's like a muscle that I have to exercise a lot when it comes to being vulnerable with people. That I think that would come much more naturally to me than being vulnerable does. But Like I said, it's it's a muscle that I have to I have to build, I have to practice and it makes meeting people easier, it makes making friends easier, it makes relationships easier to a certain degree, like just the practice of Being honest and being okay with what people think about me being honest, you know? speaker-1: Mm-hmm. speaker-0: Hot dog, mic drop. That is speaker-1: Uh-huh. speaker-0: such a hard thing to do is to be okay with other people's opinion about us. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-2: And it takes a long time and I feel like it's not that I'm like I'm not talking like I've mastered it or anything, but I think for me, like I said, it's it's just a muscle. It's just a matter of practice and it can get easier and it has gotten easier for me, but it's not I don't think it's ever I don't think the job's ever done. You know? And so I I'm not I don't mean to sound like I like, I have this down pile, this is what you do. It's more just like this is what I do and I have to do it to operate the way I want to be, to be comfortable, you know? And sometimes that sucks. And other times I think like when I can see the value of it immediately, I can it's like worth it. Even if I can't see the value of it immediately, I know it's worth it. But that's one thing that kinda helps. And so I if I share like I remember I shared a poem I wrote with you, BB. we were on the couch and you read it and you were like, my gosh. And you kind of were expressing what it meant to you. speaker-1: my speaker-2: And that was like I was very uncomfortable. I was like, I haven't shown anybody this except for like my girlfriend and my brother, I guess. And so it was like I don't know you weren't gonna judge me, I know you weren't gonna like That sucks, you're stupid, but it's still like a part of yourself, you know, that you have to share. But it's kind of getting that immediate like, This is amazing and this is what I take from it. It's like okay. That's what I'm going for. And even if I don't get it every time, that's what it is. You know, I don't know if that makes sense, but speaker-1: Mm-hmm. Yes, I'm picking up what you're putting down. Yep. speaker-0: Yes. speaker-1: And I think that's like I'm saying, I'm teasing we have two listeners. But truly I think if we have two listeners that get anything from this, it is worth it. It is totally worth it. And I when you read that poem, I'm pretty sure I cried. I'm pretty sure I it so many different pieces hit different parts, different parts of me. I thought, my goodness, this is reaching my inner world. I think our inner world can connect. And that to me was is very meaningful. Yes. Yep. And so I do thank you. Thank you for sharing that with me. I think you told me you hadn't shared it with a lot of people and immediately I thought, wow, I feel so honored. Because I know what it's like to be like, here's my poem. I want you, I want to share it with you, but I feel so uncomfortable letting you read it, even though I mean it and I would rewrite the same exact thing. It's still like I I don't know. So that's that's awesome that you shared it with at least three people. And I'm pretty sure every one of us have been like, my gosh. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I have on my phone and I'm gonna read it later. speaker-2: I thought you were gonna say you were gonna read it now. I like speaker-1: No. Your diary. speaker-2: Guess what Automaro wrote today? Yeah. speaker-1: I would never do that to you. speaker-2: That's cool. That's cool. speaker-0: think your insight, like it you're twenty years old and for you to even recognize that that's happening, that's huge. And you're saying, you know, I haven't mastered it, or you know, there's a lot of humility in that, you know, in saying, I haven't mastered it. But still just the fact that you're twenty and your insight within yourself on, okay, I know that it's gonna be worth it. I may not get the reaction that I want. Or when I do, it's like that's exactly what I was looking for. That's huge because I don't think I realized that until when I was fifty and I'm gonna be fifty one here in a couple of months. So I mean that's really, really big. That's really impressive. Where do you think that you learn to be that way? speaker-2: Mmm What way? Like specifically what do you mean? speaker-0: Specifically in being so insightful, in knowing yourself, in recognizing, you know, when I'm vulnerable, it's because of XYZ, or maybe in the past I've stopped myself from sharing my inner world. The insight that you have of yourself is impressive. speaker-2: Thank you. I think a lot of it comes from an over awareness that I have to like intentionally use for good things. I think I like ever since I was little, I I tell people all the time, I've told you guys I felt like I came out of the womb like aware. You know people say like kids kind of wake up and they realize they're alive. I feel like I had that as soon as I was like, what's up, Doc? How's it going? Here we are. Like I was ready. Not ready, but I was just there. I felt like I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like because that started so young and with my like the way I work, I have been told I have ADHD and I've I believe it. I've just I've not been like diagnosed or anything, but it's like a hyperactivity, right? And so I think being awake, as my mom says it, being awake so young and having that overactivity made me aware of a lot of things really quickly. And I don't think that I had all of the names or all of the terminology to fully understand what it was I was aware of. I think as I got older and start to started to put the pieces together, I think I just realized like Okay, I'm aware of all this stuff now. Now it's my job to go like, okay, put your attention here instead of here. Or instead of overthinking this thing to death, think about this, you know what I mean? And so I have to kinda like pick and choose what I put that awareness towards. And so when it comes to self awareness, also another thing that is like way too much a lot of the time. I think it's brought a lot of good because I'm aware of these things and I can see that in myself and I can You know, I I know kinda what makes me tick and I can like exercise certain things like vulnerability now and I'm aware that I'm exercising them and I'm aware what that exercise brings. Like it's all it's not all, but like there's good stuff that comes from it. But it's just a matter of being intentional with it and like trying to stop myself when they start to kinda go over the edge. I don't know if that answers your question, but speaker-1: Mm-hmm. speaker-0: So pretty much you're born just an amazing human being? Well speaker-2: I wouldn't say that. Cause it it takes like it it took a lot of and it still takes like intention to use the awareness for like positive things. So it's not like I know it was a joke, but obviously it's like I think I I came out n just knowing a lot and I grew up knowing a lot and so I have to like I have to try really hard. Otherwise it just is like it's so easy to stop. Cause they'll go like, okay, I know what I'm gonna do in this situation and I'm gonna mess up here and I know I can like tell you how I'm gonna ruin this situation that I'm in. And it takes a lot sometimes to not just do that and to go, Okay, I know this is what I would typically do or even what I would want to do, but Instead I have to go, okay, no, I know I'm capable of doing this. I know that this is the right thing to do in this situation, and so I have to do that against like all odds. Everything telling me like it's not even worth it, bro. Just do what you're gonna do. And I feel like that's that's not necessarily unique to me. I feel like everybody kinda has to choose to to use that for good, but it's taken a long time to like learn how to train that, I guess. speaker-0: I think even just realizing how it's a muscle that doesn't just come overnight that you do have to be intentional. So like if I want to stay healthy, I have to lift weights and I have to be intentional about lifting weights. And it's the same thing, it's just an emotional internal thing that you're you've learned. I have this and I can have this lead me down this dark rabbit hole, or I can maybe put a little bit of attention to this thing and grow that that's a positive thing. And once I realize I'm starting to make this into something negative. switch over to something else and just kind of bounce back and forth of growing each different muscle as opposed to just hyperfixating on the one and just zoom speaker-1: And as you were talking, you said so many things that I kept thinking, okay, my goodness, but I don't know where all that went into my brain. But the one thing I did notice or wanted to ask a question on, you said, like, am I gonna ruin this? And I've felt that, thought that. And my question is, how does that ruin it? Does it ruin it whatever ruin, quote unquote, might be? Does it ruin it for you? Does it ruin it for others? and are there kind of like like do you have examples kind of that you feel comfortable sharing of what ruining it might look like as far as the potential ADHD? Because in my mind I know what ruins it for me or what I think might ruin it. speaker-2: Yeah, let me let me think about that. 'Cause I understand what you're asking. I think in so in reference to like knowing my tendencies, it's easy for me, like I was saying, like I know that I'm gonna do this, I know that I typically do this. And it would be easier for me to just kind of go into those old things instead of making an attempt to do something new. And I think f ruining it for me is not trying, I guess, in a situation. So I have a lot of conversations like with my girlfriend about this where it's like I know that I am always late to stuff. I know that I don't do things until like an hour before the deadline. I know that a bunch of stuff. Like examples like that. And it's not necessarily just tied to like ADD or ADHD. It's it's more just like I know myself. I know what is gonna happen. Like and it's it obviously like I'm saying it takes an effort to change that. But the ruining it in my head is like if I don't it's kind of two things. One, it's if I don't try and make an effort to change that. And two, It's This is a good question. We think like that. It's hard to say. It kind of depends on the context. But a lot of it is just not showing up. And then a lot of it is like I think I try and hold myself to a really high expectation. And so sometimes it's easier to not try to hit that mark than to just know like, all right, whatever, this is just gonna happen the way it is. And so sometimes I I know I can hit this mark. You know? And so I have to be careful because sometimes it's okay if I hit under it. And sometimes I know I really have to try because I can hit this mark, you know? And so depending on the situation, sometimes it's not even trying and other times it is shooting below where I know I can make. It's kind of speaker-1: Hmm. speaker-2: an abstract way to answer it, but I don't I don't know if that speaker-1: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think so to kind of recap that, it's effort, first of all. And sometimes going against your natural way of I don't know, you didn't use the word discomfort, but maybe like if you have to make an effort, typically it's uncomfortable. So for me, I I could I think I was following as you were saying that I'm like, okay, if I 'Cause I know myself too. Like if if I don't start recording an hour, hour and a half before, what's gonna happen? Well, I'm not gonna have anything prepared. No and it potentially could ruin it for you guys, like this time ruining it in my mind. I'm like, it's gonna affect. And to me that just I just like to pay attention to the words that we choose. I think, wow, ruin that's a that's a big work. And I know I've used it. I thought, okay, I can totally relate. And I'm sure other people can too. And so that aspect of it, so making an effort to not fall into tendencies that we know don't make a change. So if we're trying to grow and we keep doing the same thing, we're not changing. So maybe that's kind of a way that does that kind of get at you were. speaker-2: A hundred percent. Absolutely. I think that's a a much more cohesive way to say speaker-1: No, I only got it because as you were saying it, I'm like trying to digest it. I would have been the same had someone asked me. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. speaker-0: Does that play into your music, do you think? Like I'm not gonna release this because I haven't hit the mark yet? Or because you have so much music in my opinion that it's just like, okay, buddy, just get it out there because I want to listen to it all the time. So what's happening there and is that playing into how you release music or how you write it? speaker-2: Yeah, I think as I mentioned before, it a lot of it is like determining whether it's okay for me to not hit that like mark of like quote unquote perfection or not. Because I know I'm not perfect and I know I'm not gonna like bat a thousand every single time. But I think with music and with writing sometimes it doesn't feel like I have the option to hit under at all. And so I'll sit there and work on like this minute and a half demo until it's like not even what it was anymore when I first made it. Because I do have that, like I have to do this, I have to do that. And if it has my name on it, it's gotta be perfect. And all this kind of stuff, like even when I was a kid, like getting good grades was such a big thing in my house. It was just such a such a thing of like you can perform at this level, so perform at this level. Which is such I think if used correctly is such a good thing 'cause that instilled me with a lot of confidence. I think I yeah, I know I can do this. So I'll go and achieve. And I have. But sometimes I have to be really aware of how I'm applying that. And so sometimes like I said, it ends up with me just like working on things until I don't even like anymore. Because it has to be this, it has to be that. Forget the fact that I released one song. Forget the fact that this is all like self taught, you know what I mean? There is no like perfect Well, there's in my opinion, perfect songs, but it's all opinion based. You know, there it's all like whatever I think I want to do with this song, if I can achieve that, then perfect. But I have to kind of give myself a finish line. Otherwise I'll kinda keep setting the bar higher and higher and higher. If that makes sense. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. And I even like how like when you answered when you answer the questions, there is like there's a delay, there's a thought, you might edit the thought, but that alone to me, there that's where the beauty is. Like in the progress. Like the songs that you've showed us that you haven't released. You're like, no, I have to do this, I want to do this. I totally get it. I get like You paint something, you're like, my gosh, that well no, you paint something, I'm like, that's so cool. You add things, and it's okay. You add more, it's garbage. So I get you just add an add, and it just somehow starts to just look terrible even though it's not. And it is subjective. Like it's totally not everyone can have their opinion. But I think with knowing you, like getting to know you, getting to know the ins and outs of you. I think there is so much beauty in seeing someone's growth, not just getting the finished product. Which I think that can be maybe a reminder for so many people. Like as you're working on something, I think that's freaking gold. That is gold. Like raw, your music, raw, my goodness, it moves me. I'm serious. Ruben and I listen to it on repeat all the time. All the time. That's awesome. And so to me, I think you may not see it. You may think, well no, I want to work on it or well this is my aunt or whatever. But I truly think it's so good. It's so good. And maybe it just might help to have reminders, like, no, that's that's pretty dang good. Put it out there. If people don't like it, well, they're not gonna not like it. Thank you. Yes. speaker-2: I think one thing really quick, kind of relating back to what we were talking about, is like more towards the beginning was I think for me I can when I work on a song way too much, it ends up becoming dishonest. To where I get away from the main point of what I was trying to say or trying to communicate. Whether that's like how something sounds, whether it's like the texture or the energy of the lyrics or the music itself. I think it came out that way for a reason. And sometimes it's because I'm not super good at like laying down reference jacks because they usually sound pretty jacked up. But sometimes it's because I was trying to say something or trying to communicate something. And so when I do like work it way too much and add like fifty plugins to this sound that doesn't even need one at all, it gets away from what I'm trying to say. And so I think using that and then of course like Using encouragement from you guys 'cause that means a lot, regardless of whether you're my aunt or not. That's somebody telling me that and I appreciate that 'cause I know you're being honest. Yeah. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-2: but yeah, I think just using using that desire to be vulnerable and to be honest as a way to push past the inhibitions that I have is is such I don't know, it's just it's a really good method for me right now. And it's been working. You know, I've been working on a couple demos that I've sent you guys like non stop the last couple of days and just going like, Okay, this doesn't sound perfect, whatever, move on to the next thing, move on to the next thing, move on to the next thing. And then after a while I step back and I listen to it all the way through and it's like okay. It's good that I stopped here. It's good that I stopped here. I should have stopped earlier with this thing 'cause I liked it before. Yeah. But it's just it's just practice, like I've been saying. And I think the more I do it, the better I get at it. speaker-1: No. speaker-0: So what would it take for you to release a raw album? speaker-2: A lot because I would never release a raw album. However, however, I think I do wanna start uploading demos to like YouTube or SoundCloud or something as a sort of practice, as an exercise to just go, Okay, here's this idea. This isn't the best idea I've ever had, but I like it and it's worth sharing. This big. That's fine. Here you go. Cause then I it's a it's a good way to kind of just release here. So in as I've been going to school, I go to school for graphic design and there's a term I learned called killing your darlings. And it was kind of odd because I was not sure what that meant at first. But in the process of art, we have all these little things about what we like about the project. And sometimes we get so focused on these little tiny things that don't actually matter in the big scheme of things. That we end up changing all of it around this one detail that didn't even matter. And so I think using that kind of idea for the music I work on, it's like, okay, I like this little tiny thing. I don't like this little tiny thing. Cool. This is what it is right now. Here you go. I'm not gonna hyperfocus on this. I'm not gonna get rid of these little things that don't matter all that much. Here it is. And so that allows me to kind of release. And get rid of it helps me to keep the tap flowing. Cause I'll end up working on this one little demo that I don't even like all that much for a month. And it's like, all right, I'm now I'm I'm fizzled out and I don't feel like engaged. I don't feel inspired to make anything, you know? And so I feel like just keeping the tap flowing. is is what I want to move towards. So if that does look like releasing demos that I think suck, okay. Suck like technically, because I if I'm proud of it, cool. If I think there needs to be stuff with the product like fixed with the production, cool. Is it worth fixing it or is it worth just putting it out as an idea? You know, and then that kind of deliberation will help me go like, right, cool. Here it is. On to the next thing. speaker-0: Kinda like finding an in between stage. speaker-2: Yeah, a hundred percent. speaker-0: Yeah, not living in the all or nothing. I've got to get it perfect. But I do have this idea that I've been kind of playing with, toying with, and it's like a crumble or a a a morsel of what you've been doing just to like not get stuck on that one thing. You can there's one, here's another. And in the meantime, you're learning as you're going. speaker-2: Hundred percent. speaker-0: Like speaker-1: Mm-hmm. speaker-2: Yeah. It's just keeping the I said it a couple of times, but I I think about it like very visually. When I said like keep the tap flowing. Yeah. It's a very much I see it very visually. Like that idea of keeping the tap flowing, but I also see it like in my own experiences. I like I know what that looks like to keep the tap flowing, to just keep ideas coming out and not hyperfixate on the little stuff that doesn't really matter. speaker-0: I think something that you said that w really struck me earlier was that knowing yourself because that's something that the famous Josie Mara Smith that we had on the podcast not too long ago, she says that a lot. Like we can't really move forward until we know ourselves. Like if I know myself, I know that this can be my tendency. And if I want to correct it, then I have to know myself in order to like pivot or, you know, do it less or whatever's coming up. Right. That's huge. speaker-1: Uh-huh. speaker-0: So you're in a kind of a in the in-between stage because you're twenty, you're kind of on your own, you're still in school. What's one thing that you wish that parents understood about people in your age in that in-between stage that are trying to find their own path? speaker-2: Parents specifically or just like older individuals? 'Cause I think my answer might vary. speaker-0: Give us your answer, whatever that may be. speaker-2: think it's gonna look different for everyone. Growing up is gonna look different for for everybody. And I think there are things that kind of inform what that looks like like the environment we grow up in, like culturally or physically, you know, and so I think just because it looked one way when you were a kid doesn't mean it's gonna look the same way now for me. You know. And I th yeah, I've been blessed with really good parents and I think they they understand that for me and they they understand like we grew up this way and so making that departure from childhood into adulthood looked this way for us. And it doesn't and it it's nice because they've told me it doesn't l have to look the same way for you. And I think if more people can could remember that I think it would ease a lot of the tension that can kind of happen at this age. between my generation and the older generation, and between parents and kids specifically. I think I have a lot of friends whose parents have an idea of what their kids' life is going to look like. Or they have an idea of this is the right way to do things and this is the wrong way to do things. And I think that's only natural because you want the best for your kids and you want to like look out for the people you love. But I think when that gets in the way of showing love and understanding and being like, Okay, I wouldn't do it this way. I think and you can even say, I think you're doing it wrong, but I trust you. Just being given the trust, I think is such a big thing. Specifically for parents, like for kids and parents. I think just having knowing that you have your parents' trust and that you can you can like operate in that sort of safe space, I guess. I think it instills a lot of confidence. Because I think it's it's kind of hard to have confidence right now, to be honest. Like in terms of entering adulthood. Like housing Prices are out of this world right now. I can't seem to find a job that gives me consistent hours enough to live on my own. And there's I mean, that's just a few examples of why, but it's it's daunting, you know. And I think you know, maybe it was daunting for you guys, and I think it'll be daunting for every generation in their own way. But right now I think I need all the confidence I can get. You know, I need all of the drive I can get. And I think if if my parents can can create that space for me, amazing. You know, and I think if if like my friend's parents can do that for them, amazing. You know. It's just a matter of Having a place to start, having sure footing in any way you can get it. speaker-0: So good. speaker-1: Who are you? speaker-0: I know. I'm like, will you adopt me? speaker-1: Yes. I everything you said, I thought, my gosh, like Yeah. yes, that's beautiful. And speaker-0: Yes. speaker-1: I hope people hear that. Like that is so true for your specific age group. Mm-hmm. And potentially other age groups. I thought if my parents or anyone told me that, like gave me confidence, that is That would do wonders. speaker-0: Yes. speaker-1: Yeah. For my mind, for my spirit, for my central nervous system, just that confidence to be like, you're good. Keep moving. You're doing great. Yes. I think especially like such a transitional time entering into adulthood. I just rewind and I'll listen to what you said because that was gold. speaker-0: I thought that too. speaker-2: I think so much of it is is predicated on being honest. That's something I feel like I've talked about that a lot in in this last conversation, but it's something that's I've been like really aware of the last like Well, okay, I think I've been interacting with this idea for the last couple of months. I think I've been aware of it for like this last one month. And it's been like really heavy on my mind where You have to operate from a place of of honesty with yourself and with others. And I think a big reason why I could say that about, you know, your parents trusting you and having confidence in you is because I had had to have a conversation with my parents recently, like individually, not even together. It wasn't like a sit down thing or whatever, but I was just talking to my dad and expressing we w we were just talking and I was expressing like, hey I could use like some reassurance. I could use like you telling me that I have that trust. and so I think it it it takes being vulnerable, it takes being honest. And I think so often, at least in my experience, I am afraid to ask for it. I'm afraid to say, hey, what do you actually think about what I'm doing right now? Because I have I have parents whose parents didn't always give them that space and they were told whether they were asked for it or not or whether they asked for it or not what their parents thought. And not always in very positive ways. And so I think because of that, my parents kind of take a step back and go, Okay, when you ask for guidance or when you ask for our opinion, we'll give it. And so I think it's like it's a negotiation between like between the whatever parties are involved in the situation, it's kids and parents. I think negotiating that understanding of, hey, I want you to weigh in on this. I want to know that I have your trust and I wanna know that you have confidence in me. And like asking that of someone is really to me it's really vulnerable. And then for the other person, it can be vulnerable to give that. You know, and so I think it's you just gotta ask. You just gotta have that conversation sometimes, even if it's uncomfortable. You speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-2: know. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. speaker-0: When you're inside your outsides. Yeah. Yeah. No, when you're inside's match or outsides, you get what you want. speaker-2: Honesty man. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-0: And like you said, we're so scared of being honest with our vulnerable selves. Sometimes it comes out sideways and it's not honest. But when you're able to be honest with yourself first and realize I am needing that reassurance right now and I need to hear it, then I know that I can go ask for it. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. speaker-2: Yeah. It takes a lot, but yeah, just having the common the common understanding I think will will take you places. speaker-1: Just wanted to jump on and thank everyone for watching so far. This episode was so good. It ended up being a little normal, but we're hoping that you'll join speaker-0: Little longer than our thing that you want to join. speaker-1: us for part two of this episode. I wanted to remind you you can stay tuned for next week. And the second half is going to be just as good as speaker-0: Second is gonna speaker-1: the first, if not better. So if any of this resonates, speaker-0: with you make sure that you like speaker-1: and subscribe and if you want to send us a message you can do that on Instagram, speaker-0: Instagram. speaker-1: on YouTube. I think our podcast has an email address. Whatever fits, we would love to hear from you. speaker-0: You we will hear from