Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1153 - How Doing Nothing Made Us Better Parents

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#1153 - How Doing Nothing Made Us Better Parents · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real parenting solutions every
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Speaker 1: day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. I've justin. I'm
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Speaker 1: here with Kylie, my wife, mum to our six kids,
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Speaker 1: and Kylie. Today's to day I'll Do Better Tomorrow, where
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Speaker 1: we reflect on the week that was and highlight what's
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Speaker 1: working and what's not. And we haven't done this for
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Speaker 1: weeks and.
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Speaker 2: Weeks, and it's interesting. We're sitting here and I'm actually wondering,
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Speaker 2: what have we got to talk about. We did nothing
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Speaker 2: these holidays? We did nothing.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, I like the whole idea of the first
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Speaker 1: one back is let's talk about what we did over
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Speaker 1: the last month or so. And the answer is cost
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Speaker 1: of living. We're not going anywhere. It's a staycation. Our
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Speaker 1: backyard has become the new bali because it's a lot
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Speaker 1: cheaper than going to plane and sitting over there in
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Speaker 1: the sweltering heat. And oh gosh, it's been extremely quiet.
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Speaker 1: Having said that, we still need to make sure that
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Speaker 1: we have something that we're working on to do better tomorrow.
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Speaker 1: The Christmas break was very quiet. I had a funny
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Speaker 1: interaction with one of our kids. She said to me
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Speaker 1: that she went to the shops and bought some ice cream,
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Speaker 1: and when she pulled the ice cream out of the bag,
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Speaker 1: she pulled out two boxes of ice creams. And I said,
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Speaker 1: hang on, why have you got two boxes of ice creams?
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Speaker 1: This is not a joke, by the way, this is true.
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Speaker 1: You looking at me like I'm winding up for a punchline.
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Speaker 1: And she said, well, Dad, the ice cream was half price,
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Speaker 1: and so I thought I really should buy two because
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Speaker 1: technically I'm getting one for free. And then she looked
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Speaker 1: at me and she did the little hashtag with the
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Speaker 1: fingers two hands, four fingers hashtag and goes hashtag girl math.
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Speaker 1: So we spent twice as much as we needed to
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Speaker 1: because we could have had just one box. We could
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Speaker 1: have had all the ice cream we needed for half
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Speaker 1: the price, but instead we still spent the full price
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Speaker 1: and got twice as much ice cream.
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Speaker 2: She's not the only one who gets it wrong. I
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Speaker 2: decided I was going to buy some Cornetto's, and I
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Speaker 2: had to.
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Speaker 1: We're trying to stop snacking and get rid of all
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Speaker 1: this junk food from our home, and here you are
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Speaker 1: buying cornetto We had.
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Speaker 2: People coming over for dinner and it was a really
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Speaker 2: easy dessert and I needed ten, and so I looked
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Speaker 2: at it and I was like, okay, I need three
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Speaker 2: boxes because there's four in each box.
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Speaker 1: That's twelve, right, Well, I can't buy I would have
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Speaker 1: just gone but that's okay. Yeah.
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Speaker 2: But then I decided that Buller crunches were half price
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Speaker 2: and so that it would be much better for me
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Speaker 2: to buy those. But I didn't continue to do the mass.
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Speaker 2: I just went, oh, I'll just get three boxes. Because
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Speaker 2: I was getting three boxes.
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Speaker 1: Why we had all the Buller ice cream in the
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Speaker 1: freezer and when I got.
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Speaker 2: Home and we couldn't fit them all in, I was
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Speaker 2: trying to work out what I've done wrong.
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Speaker 1: It's like eight in a pack, so you bought the
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Speaker 1: splits had ten in a pack, so you bought like
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Speaker 1: thirty ice creams for the ten that we needed. That
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Speaker 1: explains why I've been ining to ice blocks every single
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Speaker 1: day and they just don't seem to disappear. We have
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Speaker 1: a lot of ice cream in the freezer and we're
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Speaker 1: trying not to snack. We're trying to be healthy. That's
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Speaker 1: the New Year's there, Really you're not. I need to
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Speaker 1: get rid of the sugar. So that we don't have
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Speaker 1: any sugar to snack on.
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Speaker 2: Clearly you have a problem.
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Speaker 1: What's your old do better tomorrow, missus happy families? What
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Speaker 1: is it that you have done this week that you
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Speaker 1: either need to improve on to be bet at tomorrow
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Speaker 1: or you've done this week that you've just nailed and
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Speaker 1: you want to keep doing it because it'll help you
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Speaker 1: to be bet at tomorrow.
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Speaker 2: So a hanful of years ago, we moved to the
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Speaker 2: Sunshine Coast and I literally lived the best nine months
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Speaker 2: I can remember ever living.
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Speaker 1: So for those of you who missed the story, it's
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Speaker 1: three years ago this month, pretty much three years ago
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Speaker 1: this week, we had our house in Brisbane. You came
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Speaker 1: up and we got an Airbnb short term rental while
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Speaker 1: we looked for a house and got our house in
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Speaker 1: Brisbane sold, but that took a bit longer than we
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Speaker 1: thought it would take, and you ended up living essentially
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Speaker 1: beachside at Malula Bar, like two hundred meters from the
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Speaker 1: beach for six months while I commuted from the Sunny
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Speaker 1: Coast to Brisbane whenever I could so that I could
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Speaker 1: see you guys most weekends and got the house. I
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Speaker 1: lived my best line because I was gone the beach. Okay,
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Speaker 1: I see where this is going.
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Speaker 2: But obviously, once we brought a house and we started
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Speaker 2: to settle down and settle into our new lifestyle, things
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Speaker 2: quickly changed and I found myself running faster than I
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Speaker 2: wanted to. And for the last couple of years it
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Speaker 2: has been really intense. You've been traveling more than normal,
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Speaker 2: and we took homeschooling on last year, so things have
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Speaker 2: just been a lot for a long time. And towards
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Speaker 2: the end of last year, I really, I honestly, I
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Speaker 2: just wanted to throw life out the window. I wanted
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Speaker 2: to throw every component out and start with a fresh slate.
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Speaker 2: But that meant getting rid of you and the six
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Speaker 2: kids and the grand baby. And it's not very realistic,
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Speaker 2: is it.
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Speaker 1: It's not like you haven't you regret about saying that.
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Speaker 1: I just couldn't actually do it, tried I wanted to.
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Speaker 2: I just wanted to curl up in a ball and
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Speaker 2: hid in a big dark hole until everybody disappeared.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it.
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Speaker 2: But as there was result of that, obviously we've acknowledged
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Speaker 2: that we didn't do much over the holidays.
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Speaker 1: We've literally stopped we did a big fact nothing. I've
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Speaker 1: read about six books this year already, and I've read too. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: it's been beautiful.
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Speaker 2: And it got me thinking about that gorgeous nine months
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Speaker 2: that I had and knowing that I can't live in
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Speaker 2: a holiday home and I have to live a real life.
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Speaker 2: Was looking at the components that made up the goodness
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Speaker 2: in that period of time. And one of the things
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Speaker 2: that was just so instrumental and such an integral part
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Speaker 2: to the goodness that I experienced over those nine months
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Speaker 2: was having time for me each morning. But as our
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Speaker 2: lives have gotten busier and there's been so many more
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Speaker 2: moving parts, and I've now got children at home twenty
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Speaker 2: four to seven, struggling to find or actually it's not
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Speaker 2: even struggling to find, it's actually struggling to give myself
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Speaker 2: a mission to take that time for me. And so
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Speaker 2: with the new year coming in, I don't know what
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Speaker 2: it is. I reckon that there's some psychological phenomenon going on.
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Speaker 1: Fresh Starts, Fresh Starts talked about it on Monday. Feels good.
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Speaker 2: It just feels good. And so, in spite of the
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Speaker 2: fact that I wasn't actually thinking about setting any goals
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Speaker 2: as such, two days before New Year's hit, I was
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Speaker 2: in that headspace what do I want next year to
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Speaker 2: look like? And what do I want to let go of?
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Speaker 2: And I just just started writing like it just started
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Speaker 2: flowing out of me. And by the time I got
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Speaker 2: to the end of it, I looked at it and
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Speaker 2: I just went, that's it, That's what I want. And
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Speaker 2: the biggest thing for me was learning that it's okay
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Speaker 2: to take time for me. I keep having to learn
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Speaker 2: this every mom does. Life gets so busy, and there's
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Speaker 2: so many things that you think you have to say yes.
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Speaker 1: To, all essential, it's all necessary.
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Speaker 2: Yes, and so your needs get pushed to the side
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Speaker 2: because you think that in order to be a good mom,
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Speaker 2: a good wife, a good friend, a good sister, that
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Speaker 2: you need to say yes to all of these things.
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Speaker 2: But you end up saying no to you in the process.
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Speaker 2: And so this week I have said yes to me
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Speaker 2: every morning and it has felt amazing. It has felt
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Speaker 2: so good to have that time to sit and have
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Speaker 2: introspection and look at who I'm becoming and who I
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Speaker 2: want to become, to read other people's amazing, intelligent, well
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Speaker 2: structured thoughts and try to implement that thinking into my
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Speaker 2: own space, and to be appy, to document my life
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Speaker 2: as it's happening. They're all things that are so important
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Speaker 2: to me, but they just got left out last year.
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Speaker 1: The take home message, the real parenting solution.
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Speaker 2: Is give yourself permission.
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Speaker 1: Can I say it a little bit crassley, It's okay
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Speaker 1: to be a little bit selfish now, and then like
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Speaker 1: give yourself that little bit each day where you say no, no, no,
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Speaker 1: I need to do this for me so that I
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Speaker 1: can actually be there for you one dred percent. A
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Speaker 1: little bit of selfishness may end up being quite so
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Speaker 1: it's not selfishness, no, because it makes you better for
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Speaker 1: everyone else.
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Speaker 2: But we've been trained for so long to believe that
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Speaker 2: taking time out for ourselves is selfish. Now we've got
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Speaker 2: to change the narrative.
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Speaker 1: Okay, well, my older better Tomorrow is a continuation of
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Speaker 1: a theme that I picked up the end of last
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Speaker 1: year for those of you who might have missed it
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Speaker 1: because you're on holidays or not listening to the pod.
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Speaker 1: After a couple of years of me begging, begging, oh no, no, begging, Yeah,
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Speaker 1: I'm not going to change that, begging our youngest daughter
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Speaker 1: Emily to come surfing. I just want to teach. I've
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Speaker 1: asked all of our kids to learn to surf and
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Speaker 1: have been unsuccessful in getting any of them interested it all.
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Speaker 1: And a couple of years ago Emily did come surfing,
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Speaker 1: but the water was cold and she got dumped by
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Speaker 1: a way and she said, I'm never doing it again.
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Speaker 1: And so every couple of months I've said, hey, I'm
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Speaker 1: going surfing, or hey, I'd love to take your surfing,
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Speaker 1: and she's just been vehement in her refusal. I'm not going.
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Speaker 1: I'm never surfing. I hate the ocean. I don't want
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Speaker 1: to go. But for Christmas, because she couldn't afford a gift,
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Speaker 1: she told me that she'd let me take her surfing,
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Speaker 1: and so I did not let that opportunity pass. I
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Speaker 1: took to the beach. She loved it. And we've been
9:12
Speaker 1: going to the beach most days. We can't quite get
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Speaker 1: there every day for any number of reasons, and sometimes
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Speaker 1: it's just that the conditions are wrong. Yeah, but every
9:21
Speaker 1: day the conditions have been good. We've gotten down to
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Speaker 1: the beach and spent between half an hour and maybe
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Speaker 1: up to three hours catching waves. And this kid is
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Speaker 1: surfing and she has I'm not going to say she's
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Speaker 1: fully got the bug, but she's well on her way.
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Speaker 1: There's no pushback, there's no resistance. She's finally starting to
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Speaker 1: experience it beautifully. And I'm just I'm loving the joy
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Speaker 1: that's on her face when she's in the ocean, the
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Speaker 1: confidence that comes as she catches the wave or paddles
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Speaker 1: back out without getting hit by too many waves. It's
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Speaker 1: such a joyful thing to watch. I had an insight, though,
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Speaker 1: and I guess I've had this a few times in
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Speaker 1: a few different ways, but for older but it's Moorrow.
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Speaker 1: What I really want to emphasize is your youngest kids,
10:03
Speaker 1: especially when you have a big family like us and
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Speaker 1: spread them across fifteen years. With those six kids, our
10:09
Speaker 1: youngest children certainly get the best of us, and our
10:11
Speaker 1: youngest daughter particularly gets the best of us. We're old,
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Speaker 1: we're wiser, but we also have less pressure and less
10:16
Speaker 1: demands on us now than we did when the first
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Speaker 1: ones were being raised and growing up, and so with
10:22
Speaker 1: different levels of time and even financial resources, I'm watching
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Speaker 1: our youngest get a better version of me than our
10:31
Speaker 1: older kids got. So my older bit tomorrow is actually this.
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Speaker 1: The awareness makes it possible for me to make that
10:42
Speaker 1: up in some small way for each of our older kids.
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Speaker 1: So I'm consistently looking for ways that I can connect,
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Speaker 1: reach out, touch, share, listen, engage with involve myself in
10:51
Speaker 1: the things that matter to our older kids. And while
10:53
Speaker 1: sometimes I do it better and other times I don't
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Speaker 1: do it very well at all, the awareness of the
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Speaker 1: need for that connection is driving me. And it's the
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Speaker 1: time spend in the ocean with Emily that's made me
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Speaker 1: more acutely, more poignantly aware of it.
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Speaker 2: So I'm not going to disagree with anything you've said.
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Speaker 2: I think that all of it is true, especially from
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Speaker 2: our experience, but I am going to suggest that it's
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Speaker 2: not necessarily that they get the best of us. At
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Speaker 2: the other end, I think so much of it's about timing.
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Speaker 2: If you had the time that you now have as
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Speaker 2: a young dad, do you think that our children would
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Speaker 2: have experienced a different version of you.
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Speaker 1: We still spend a lot of time with our kids,
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Speaker 1: make that mistake. I mean, we were off, we had
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Speaker 1: super saturdays, we'd go on outings. We've always worked super
11:40
Speaker 1: super hard to get that investment. But I feel like
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Speaker 1: there's a different quality of character and connection. I feel
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Speaker 1: like I'm a different person. I feel like I'm a
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Speaker 1: different dad you are, and she's getting the she's getting
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Speaker 1: the I mean, our eldest daughter is in her mid
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Speaker 1: twenties with her own child now, and our youngest daughter
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Speaker 1: is reaping the bed benefits of our experience with the
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Speaker 1: five kids older than her, where we have connected in
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Speaker 1: ways that perhaps weren't quite as effective or weren't quite
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Speaker 1: as wonderful or perfect.
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Speaker 2: And yet in spite of that, our eldest daughter is
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Speaker 2: a better parent than we ever were.
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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, at her age.
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Speaker 2: And so I don't know, it's just a beautiful, beautiful
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Speaker 2: reality that we are doing the very best we can
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Speaker 2: with what we have in any given moment. And it's
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Speaker 2: not really I don't think the folcus should be on
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Speaker 2: the fact that our elder kids missed out and our
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Speaker 2: younger kids are getting more. I think it's a beautiful
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Speaker 2: acknowledgment that we're growing and maturing and learning as individuals
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Speaker 2: and specifically as parents, and our kids benefit from that
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Speaker 2: over time.
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Speaker 1: We hope this conversation helps you to do better tomorrow.
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Speaker 1: Speaking of tomorrow, something brand new that we've never done
12:51
Speaker 1: the pod before. We're going to start launching when we
12:53
Speaker 1: can full length interviews of the wonderful people that we
12:57
Speaker 1: get to talk to on the pod tomorrow. Australia's most
13:00
Speaker 1: decorated Olympian ever, Emma McKean, chatting with me for about
13:04
Speaker 1: thirty minutes about all of the life lessons she's learned
13:07
Speaker 1: being raised by a champion swimming father and coach and
13:11
Speaker 1: then going on to Olympic glory. We're going to talk
13:13
Speaker 1: about what the parenting lessons are that we can pick
13:16
Speaker 1: up from her Olympic journey. That's Emma McKeon on the
13:19
Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast for your weekend listening pleasure. The Happy
13:23
Speaker 1: Family podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
13:26
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13:46
Speaker 1: information and more resources to make your family happier can
13:49
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13:52
Speaker 1: and on Monday, My twenty twenty five parenting Predictions