Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Body Image And Sex

Transcript

Body Image And Sex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today. I am answering a Facebook group
• 0:11
  members question about well, really to people's questions.
• 0:16
  One person said, how can women get over bad body image which is
• 0:21
  restricting them from doing certain activities in bed.
• 0:24
  IE, you know anything where the partner can see or feel you.
• 0:28
  And another person said, how can women get over thinking?
• 0:32
  That guys are like really grossed out by things like
• 0:35
  Stretch marks are stubble or that you didn't shower that day
• 0:38
  or what have you. So these are obviously
• 0:41
  interrelated, and therefore, can be answered and one episode, and
• 0:46
  before we get to this episode, please do subscribe.
• 0:49
  The most recent one was on intercourse, not being the
• 0:51
  be-all end-all of your marriage and I have like a million.
• 0:54
  Others know, I have 50 so but 50 is a lot like 50 times. 15
• 1:00
  minutes is like ours so you will have hours of more listening
• 1:04
  about Sex relationships, boundaries attachment and why
• 1:09
  your partner sucks so much or not really why your Dynamic is
• 1:15
  less than functional. And so you can get that all by
• 1:19
  clicking subscribe. And if you ever need therapy,
• 1:21
  I'm always now linking you to my best life.
• 1:23
  Behavioral, health group therapy website, especially if you are
• 1:27
  in Maryland, or that surrounds. But I have some other states as
• 1:31
  well. Anyhow, so let's dive into the
• 1:33
  body image thing. So, first of all, Guys don't
• 1:35
  understand what a big deal. This is women really think that
• 1:39
  men think that they are gross. If they don't shave or if they
• 1:42
  smell like a human or whatever else and the majority of men
• 1:48
  don't care. Now there's some men that do
• 1:50
  care and we could talk about who and why, but the majority of
• 1:54
  high libido males really don't give a shit if you have shave
• 1:57
  that day or that week or if you have if you just came back from
• 2:03
  the gym. So you don't see Mel perfect, or
• 2:06
  whatever, they don't care, you know, and if you have gained,
• 2:12
  you know, a little bit of weight, they usually don't care
• 2:14
  either. Now, there's some guys who care
• 2:16
  if you gain a lot of weight, just like women care been
• 2:19
  getting a lot of weight. I mean, you know, we want to be
• 2:21
  rational here. There's nobody who's like, oh,
• 2:24
  you know what, I really like is when my partner gained 50
• 2:26
  pounds, nobody's ever said that to me a couples counseling and
• 2:29
  nobody ever will probably. And so, that is something that I
• 2:33
  talked about and all my podcasts about Non-pc things that couples
• 2:37
  therapist, learn women and men are both superficial.
• 2:41
  It's not superficial it's a preference but nobody really
• 2:44
  likes when the partner has a tremendous amount of weight
• 2:46
  gain, tremendous varies though, from person to person.
• 2:49
  So some guy might think 50 pounds is okay.
• 2:51
  Some guy thinks 20 pounds is fine.
• 2:53
  Most guys don't give a shit about 5 to 10 pounds at all.
• 2:56
  Don't even really notice. But what we're talking about
• 3:01
  here are with the guys tend to minimize Sighs, how much women
• 3:08
  are really hampered by Body Image issues and they choose
• 3:13
  what they're going to do in bed frequently based on what they
• 3:15
  think about their body. And so, if they are somebody who
• 3:20
  worries that their belly Jiggles too much, they won't go on top
• 3:23
  or if there's somebody who worries they have cellulite,
• 3:25
  they won't do it from behind or whatever.
• 3:27
  Now with the majority of men so here's a good rule of thumb.
• 3:31
  If your husband wants to have sex with you, then he doesn't
• 3:34
  care about any of Because he looking at you when he wants to
• 3:37
  have sex with you he knows what you look like and guess what,
• 3:40
  you're not so amazing at covering up that he doesn't know
• 3:43
  that you have cellulite or that whatever and that you don't
• 3:46
  shave regularly. He smells you when he passes you
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  like he already knows what you look like what you are like so
• 3:52
  he wants to have sex with that thing.
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  So the best case scenario would be for you to be totally
• 3:57
  confident in bed. It's a super big turn-on because
• 4:00
  it means you'll do more stuff, you know, and more cool fun
• 4:04
  novel. Things and enjoy yourself.
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  Also men, don't realize that it's hard for women to have an
• 4:09
  orgasm. If they're thinking boy I look
• 4:11
  really ugly right now. So the first thing if your trip,
• 4:16
  you're a man listening to this is to really understand your
• 4:18
  wife isn't just trying to get out of having sex with you and
• 4:20
  she's like oh I don't know you know I should I didn't shower
• 4:25
  today or if she like leaves her shirt on if she leaves her shirt
• 4:28
  on. It's not because she doesn't
• 4:29
  want you to see her breasts because she doesn't like you
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  it's she doesn't think that there anything to be seen.
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  Things after nursing kids or whatever gaining weight or
• 4:38
  whatever. She thinks they're ugly.
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  They're not appealing. And therefore she does not want
• 4:42
  you to be looking at them. So never have.
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  I talked to a woman that's like you know, how I'm Really Gonna
• 4:47
  punish him. I'm going to keep my shirt on or
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  whatever on know they're doing it because they're uncomfortable
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  with their body. So that's a big thing and if you
• 4:55
  don't think that that's true in your wife is someone who leaves
• 4:57
  her shirt on. Then you should send her this
• 4:59
  podcast and ask her or just ask her if she doesn't like my
• 5:02
  podcast no accounting for taste. Just so, you know, you just got
• 5:07
  to ask is this really a big deal?
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  Because I've been taking it personally that you want the
• 5:12
  lights off. So many, even think it's about
• 5:14
  them, but you just want to look at me when they took never it,
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  it's always the woman, doesn't feel comfortable in the light
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  for two reasons. A she may be a highly sensitive
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  person over stimulated by having a light on.
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  As I discussed in my highly sensitive women podcast my very
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  first podcast and or she doesn't like you the idea of you looking
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  at Her body and all of its imperfections whether those are
• 5:38
  temporary or permanent, you know?
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  So like the stubble thing or like weight gain or stretch
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  marks, whatever the case may be. So a deep understanding and
• 5:48
  empathy with why your wife feels bad about her body and how this
• 5:52
  really hinders her from having a good experience, could allow you
• 5:55
  then to really reassure her in the ways that she needs to be
• 5:59
  reassured and the, you can say, no matter what I say, my wife
• 6:03
  doesn't believe me, but maybe you haven't, Really been saying
• 6:05
  it right because you thought that it's a load of shit and
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  that this is some fictional excuse that she's inventing.
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  When in reality, she really does feel very bad about these
• 6:14
  things. So you could say, if it's true,
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  I think you're hot no matter what, you know, I don't give a
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  shit if you shaved, your legs. I was so much rather be with you
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  with 10 pounds more than with anybody else.
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  And if you could say those things over and over your wife
• 6:28
  will begin to believe them and will gain more confidence
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  because think about it. Why if you say no no, she
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  doesn't listen to me. Why did sexually confident women
• 6:36
  have confidence because men have given them positive feedback.
• 6:40
  Why did sexually confident men have confidence because women
• 6:43
  have given them positive feedback.
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  Everybody thinks that they are attractive or not attractive or
• 6:47
  good, and better, not good in bed based upon the responses of
• 6:50
  Partners. There's nobody who's just, you
• 6:53
  know, spending a lot of time masturbating in their room and
• 6:55
  they're like, wow, I think I'm awesome in bed.
• 6:58
  It's always because of feedback. So if you are somebody, if
• 7:02
  you're the only sexual partner that you're monogamous, His
• 7:05
  partner has which is likely give them positive feedback about
• 7:08
  what they're doing in bed and how attractive they are and you
• 7:11
  will see that they liked it over time that they start to grow
• 7:15
  more confident as long as they don't think that you're
• 7:17
  bullshitting them and they may think you're bullshitting them
• 7:20
  by the way, if you only give those compliments around sex and
• 7:24
  you don't say to your wife, you look beautiful.
• 7:27
  The rest of the time. You just say it when you're in
• 7:29
  bed, that maybe could, maybe because your inhibitions are
• 7:32
  down when you're in bed and you're not at like a A
• 7:35
  touchy-feely complementary person outside of bed but she
• 7:38
  will take it as that you're bullshitting her, and that you
• 7:40
  just want to get laid. So, if you really want your wife
• 7:43
  to believe your compliments, you got to see them all the time,
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  not just when you're about to get late because you see my
• 7:49
  point, right? I mean that doesn't make any
• 7:51
  sense to her. Then why it wouldn't just be
• 7:54
  about you getting off and you kind of getting her into bed in
• 7:57
  a manipulative way. Because then she's thinking, why
• 7:59
  doesn't he say it? The rest of the time that he
• 8:01
  loves my body or that? I'm so beautiful, Etc.
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  So if you are a woman struggling with this, you got to understand
• 8:08
  men, don't really give a shit. And so if you turn the light on
• 8:13
  or I mean, you don't really have to turn the light super on you
• 8:15
  could have dim light because I've not met many women that
• 8:19
  like that the like, totally on. It's like, you feel like a
• 8:22
  specimen on a lab table. But if you have dim light, if
• 8:25
  you have, you could put on lingerie if there's certain
• 8:28
  things that you don't like about you, but really, you got to
• 8:31
  understand. This is a you thing like a 90%
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  of the Time. It's a you thing and the man
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  doesn't really notice doesn't really give a shit.
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  He's still extremely excited that there's a naked woman in
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  his bed even after all of these years and he doesn't care how
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  many pounds you've put on. Generally speaking I said there
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  is that thing with a tremendous amount of weight gain that some
• 8:53
  people don't like. But generally speaking, the
• 8:56
  majority, the vast majority of the men that I speak to would be
• 9:00
  thrilled. If their wife was more sexually
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  confident, they are aware that she doesn't look like she did
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  when she was 95, they do not expect that and they would love
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  spontaneity over some plans scheduled encounter where you
• 9:13
  have showered, you have shaved, and you are showing up anxious
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  nervous and trying to still hide your breasts.
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  They would love you to be more confident and just have sex
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  whenever based on you wanting to do something fun versus based on
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  that, you look as perfect as you can look.
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  There are some guys and I said, I would get to this.
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  There are some guys that don't like various smells or the woman
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  not shaving or whatever. These are generally not very
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  high libido guys so they can be very easily turned off.
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  So you got bigger fish to fry here, like your major problem.
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  It's not that he doesn't like that.
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  You have stubble. Your major problem is that the
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  sky doesn't really like sex and those are the guys that I see
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  guys who have like lots of problems with female bodies.
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  This is like a major indicator that they are overall low libido
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  and This is, there's a bigger problem.
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  I mean, this would be something to go to therapy about talk
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  about assess the gravity of the situation.
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  So if you are a woman and I, there are women out there who
• 10:10
  are trying to initiate sex with men that are like, hmm, I don't
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  know, like maybe you should go brush your teeth, maybe you
• 10:16
  should go shower you know I'm not feeling so good all the time
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  or really kind of ever you know like for a guy under 40 almost
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  ever is a bad sign to reject an overture of sex then they Are
• 10:30
  the lower libido partner and that could be addressed in
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  various ways. Possibly sometimes these are
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  emotional reasons related to tremendous marital.
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  This fact dissatisfaction sometimes these are hormonal
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  issues like low testosterone and sometimes this is just the guy's
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  personality, he doesn't like sex, he's not very sexual.
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  And in those cases staying in this relationship, long term
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  tends to erode women's confidence and self esteem.
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  But at the very least you should be talking to a therapist.
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  You could figure out that this isn't really normal that it
• 10:59
  wouldn't be a Normal response from and to be like, no, I
• 11:02
  really only have sex when the stars align and this exact
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  pattern, and you are looking this way and smelling this way
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  and it's Tuesday and you're wearing, you know, the right
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  underwear that. That isn't a guy who likes sex,
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  that isn't really a guy who likes touching.
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  It may not be a guy who likes intimacy.
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  So if there's constant roadblocks of that nature you
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  know? Then then there are bigger
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  problems, it isn't just that he is like most guys really turned
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  off by a. A bit of stubble.
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  Most guys don't even notice they don't even care at all.
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  So this would be even this information in and of itself,
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  could be transformative, if you've been in a relationship
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  with a man who constantly does have, you know, these little
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  little and big qualms and critiques about how you look.
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  It's transformative to realize, this is unusual and speaks to a
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  broader issue. And there are men that are just
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  very turned off by tremendous marital.
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  It's like, but in the absence of tremendous marital conflict,
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  it's usually a guy issue. And again one of the reasons may
• 12:06
  actually be that he's not very attracted to you and I have
• 12:09
  podcasts about what to do in those sorts of situations.
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  But the overall takeaways that body image is a big deal to
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  women. Society tells women, they got to
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  look beautiful. And also, by the way, a good
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  point to raise with your wife. If she's open-minded enough is
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  saying, like, by the way, you do, realize that every woman in
• 12:29
  porn Just looks like, you know, like many of them just look like
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  regular women because I have many women, they don't watch
• 12:35
  porn and the guy does or they know he has.
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  And so they say all those women in porn?
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  Look, perfect. No, they don't, they don't look
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  perfect, guys. Look at everything.
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  Nowadays on the internet, you know, they're, they're looking
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  at stuff, just for for novelty sake.
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  So, if your wife thinks that you're only looking at, like
• 12:53
  size 2 models, with big boobs and blond hair, you could be
• 12:56
  like, no, actually look at like anything.
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  Help anything in the world and that includes plenty of women
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  that are just totally normal-looking and that you are
• 13:08
  very hot compared to all of these women.
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  You would have to say all of these women.
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  But, you know, but for women that are listening, this is not
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  the age of Playboy and Hustler magazine anymore.
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  Like guys are looking at regular women.
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  Many guys, only go to amateur sites because they could
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  convince themselves that these are the women that they could
• 13:28
  actually have sex with either way.
• 13:30
  Way the the poor news is a problem over time and with
• 13:34
  tremendous frequency. Yes.
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  And nobody that's having a bad sex.
• 13:37
  Life should be using porn or masturbating.
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  As I said, in my podcast, masturbation is the junk food of
• 13:42
  marriage or married sex because you need all your sexual energy
• 13:46
  for the couple. But in cases, where there's
• 13:48
  younger people. There's women.
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  Beautiful women age, 25 live body image issues because
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  they're comparing themselves to porn stars.
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  And that is not the only people that your And is looking at is
• 14:01
  porn starts, he's looking at anything.
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  Having intercourse on the internet, would you look hotter
• 14:07
  than a lot of that? So that's just a PSA for people.
• 14:10
  That don't know that. So if you do struggle with these
• 14:13
  body image issues, you could try things.
• 14:15
  You could try again, where some lingerie night lingerie that,
• 14:20
  like, if you're like, well, shit, I got to cover up my
• 14:22
  entire body. So I'm wearing something that's
• 14:24
  like, you know, it says it's lingerie, but it's really like a
• 14:28
  tent. No, don't do that.
• 14:30
  That I'm not saying to do that. I'm saying, if you want to keep
• 14:32
  on a bra at Eddie, something like that.
• 14:35
  That's cool. You know, if you want to make
• 14:37
  dim light instead of, you know, glaring light, that's cool if
• 14:43
  you want to, you know, to have most of your intimacy happen
• 14:48
  after you've showered, cool. But don't make this something in
• 14:53
  your head that your partner is going to be disgusted by various
• 14:57
  and Sundry, you know, less than Perfections on your body because
• 15:02
  he's not the normal high sex drive.
• 15:05
  Man is not disgusted by anything.
• 15:07
  He's thrilled to be in bed with a naked woman, and he's even
• 15:10
  more, the more excited enthusiastic and confident, you
• 15:13
  are the happier he is. So this is one of the fake it
• 15:17
  till you make it things. Because if you could act
• 15:19
  confident, even when you're not and you see how thrilled he is,
• 15:22
  despite your jiggling thighs or whatever, then you may really,
• 15:26
  that's an experiential learning model right there.
• 15:29
  Then you're like wow I guess he really doesn't give a shit.
• 15:33
  You know what? That could be very interesting
• 15:35
  and you know I talk a lot about late bloomers I have an article
• 15:39
  about late bloomers and men but women who have very little
• 15:42
  sexual experience. Also don't really understand how
• 15:46
  men really just like to have sex you know.
• 15:49
  And so people who have never been down on hookup culture but
• 15:53
  a little bit of hookup culture doesn't hurt anybody in terms of
• 15:56
  getting experience and understanding what sex is all
• 15:59
  about. So Men who have had more sexual
• 16:02
  partners, generally tend to be less, you know, they tend to be
• 16:07
  more confident. They tend to be a, what was I
• 16:09
  going to say? Less on confident, which means
• 16:10
  more confident. So women who have had a few
• 16:13
  sexual partners under their belt, no pun intended.
• 16:15
  Really do understand that a very visceral experiential level that
• 16:19
  men don't give a shit. They're just happy to be having
• 16:21
  sex. So, you know, and they too can
• 16:24
  give and take pleasure even if the guy doesn't look like an
• 16:27
  Adonis. So but if your wife or the
• 16:30
  woman, In listening has had like very few sexual partners or only
• 16:34
  the husband, then you kind of don't have this experience to
• 16:38
  know. Oh yeah.
• 16:39
  Kind of guys, don't really give a shit there was day, I didn't
• 16:42
  shave. There was a day.
• 16:43
  I've had sex when I was fat or I've had sex.
• 16:45
  When I was dinner, I've had sex when I in shower, whatever, guys
• 16:48
  are into it, you know, like they don't have those experiences.
• 16:51
  So they start to get very anxious and kind of get this
• 16:56
  ruminative Loop. Oh my God, I look like this.
• 16:58
  He's not going to like this. He's Custody is grossed out.
• 17:02
  He's not, you're projecting how you feel about yourself
• 17:05
  internally, and, of course, very bad.
• 17:07
  Body image should be worked on a therapy.
• 17:09
  Nobody deserves to go around feeling like they are ugly, or
• 17:13
  unappealing or gross or any of those things you are a person
• 17:19
  worthy of love and honestly if you listen to this and this is
• 17:23
  how you feel about yourself, if you had not been raised, like
• 17:26
  you were raised. And there are certain situations
• 17:29
  that lead too low self-esteem and perseveration on body image.
• 17:33
  So if you had been raised in a household where people were more
• 17:36
  confident, particularly your female role model about her body
• 17:40
  and about looks and about sex, you would be different.
• 17:44
  You would look the same right now.
• 17:45
  Thank you were like, you know, 50% hotter just because of this
• 17:50
  mental and emotional variables. So think about that and bring
• 17:54
  that to therapy, you know, if you're in therapy or if not get
• 17:57
  into therapy, because nobody deserves to feel Unappealing
• 18:01
  ugly and worthy of disgust usually just because they were
• 18:04
  raised in a very sex and body - environment.
• 18:08
  If you're a man listening, this is why she's like this.
• 18:11
  This is why because she was raised probably in the negative
• 18:14
  environment. Vis-à-vis body sex Etc or one
• 18:18
  where image was everything. All right.
• 18:21
  Hopefully y'all got something out of this.
• 18:23
  Please do subscribe and I'll talk to you all soon.