Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Should Couples Have Each Other's Email And Phone Passwords?

Transcript

Should Couples Have Each Other's Email And Phone Passwords? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show. Today, we are going to be
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  talking about privacy. This was a request and I have
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  written a post about it about whether people should have each
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  other's email and phone passwords and what it means a
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  reader wrote in and asked about it, many years ago.
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  But I figured I would update that times have changed.
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  Some people are more on their phone, like that's where their
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  whole life is really a lot of people, especially younger
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  couples that I see. So it deserves an update before
• 0:34
  that. Please do subscribe.
• 0:36
  I have I think 90 subscriber episodes.
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  Now the most recent one was about which women are going to
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  want you to work out and which ones are going to hate when you
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  work out and how and emphasize on exercise in the husband
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  relates to all different sorts of things in the woman's
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  personality and the relationship as a whole.
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  A lot of guys, I have a podcast on this already but this extends
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  it because some guys Are really shocked that their wife is not
• 1:07
  into their exercise routine and some you know really want to
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  know why, you know, because they think they would be supportive
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  and they very well may be, you know, and it all depends on
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  attachment style and personality.
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  So you should subscribe and here that most recent episode.
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  Okay, so email and phone passwords are an issue because
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  as I said, people spend most of their lives now on their phone
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  texts in entire like, friendships are carried out.
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  Online, you know, via texting and messages group, chats, and
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  social media. So people spend a lot of time
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  online. Obviously, in the pandemic,
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  people had the entirety of their relationships online with
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  anybody who they were not seeing, you know, had we're not
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  able to see due to the quarantining and all of that.
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  So, this is a bigger issue now than it is, for people who met
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  many years ago and decades ago, where email and phone was they
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  were And quite honestly, a person could be having an affair
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  without having much phone or email contact that is no longer
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  the case. If you're having an affair
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  there's like a massive Tres Tres, I mean half of it is could
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  see is online like people. People can go through text
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  messages that expand years, you know, like when they discover
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  somebody's Affair. So is it mostly due to cheating
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  that people want to look at each other's phones?
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  No it's really not. I mean in the situation I'll
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  tell you straight out. The one situation where you
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  really ought to give your Email on your phone passwords.
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  If you have previously been unfaithful, you know, and so you
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  want to work on your relationship.
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  You want your partner to trust you again.
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  Well, you kind of have to give them access.
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  If you don't want to, you probably don't want to be in the
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  relationship that bat. So that's one case.
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  You know, where I say, yeah, for sure.
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  Like, if the person wants access to your phone and you were
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  previously found out to be cheating and you want to work on
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  the relationship that give access to your phone?
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  I mean, it only makes sense, right?
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  You then are your You made your bed so you gotta lay in it, you
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  don't really get privacy anymore.
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  So the point is here, there are many other situations though.
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  So the most frequent situation that I see is preoccupied
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  partner, and you can refer back to the preoccupied husband
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  podcast or his most. Prevalently preoccupied,
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  attachment isn't women? But there are plenty of
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  preoccupied attachment guys too. And so you can go back to my
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  attachment Styles podcast, if you are the The more jealous
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  clingy needy, all these words that people use partner then of
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  course you're going to want access to your avoidant partners
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  phone you know. And when I posted this online
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  somebody was like, yeah, I'd like to see that the that other
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  partner give access to their phone.
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  They always do is the, you know, is the real is the real deal on
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  that. Like this person is always like
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  look through my phone. Look through my phone.
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  I want you basically to Are enough to want to look through
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  my phone and then I want to look through yours too and it isn't
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  always because of cheating this is because they want more
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  closeness. The preoccupied attachment
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  partner invariably in any setting wants more closeness.
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  This is this is the whole thing of preoccupied attachment.
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  There's too much of an emphasis on closeness.
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  There is less of an emphasis than is healthy on Independent
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  identities, right on being separate people.
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  Whereas the goal the ideal is secure attachment where There's
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  a good balance between independent identity and
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  interdependence, right? So you're your own person but
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  also in loving relationship. So if you want to know how
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  securely attached people tend to treat this, you have each
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  other's phone and email passwords in case of emergency,
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  or in case you're just driving and you want somebody to look
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  something up for you or whatever, but you don't really
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  look through their phone, like you never look through their
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  phone, you may do something for them on their phone, or in the
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  case, where you have children, Children and shared finances,
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  and all of these things. God forbid in an emergency, you
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  want access to their various things, their Bank passwords and
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  everything, you know. So that would be how it securely
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  attached relationship would work in this area.
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  You have each other's passwords, you can get into each other's
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  phone in case of emergency, but or just generally, like I'll say
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  to my husband, can you look up this or that, you know, you
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  know, we're talking to the accountant.
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  He emailed me something, can you look it up and whatever?
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  But the point being is that there's no issue in these
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  couples, they're not hiding anything but also there's no
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  need to invade someone's privacy and you can allow them to be a
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  separate person. So the preoccupied partner wants
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  to know everything about their partner, who's usually avoidant
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  and the avoidant partner wants to be completely separate.
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  Now, there is frequently to a situation where there's not
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  infidelity but there's a lot of porn use and so the Guy doesn't
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  want all the porn use to be uncovered.
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  This is real prevalent because guys are on their phone all the
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  time. So it's a lot easier to have
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  like a I'm private stop going through my past my boundaries
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  sort of, you know, attitude. Then to say, I am watching porn
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  multiple times a day and I am embarrassed and I don't want you
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  to see it. I don't want it to cause
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  problems. So that that is that too is a
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  problem that you need to introspect about, right?
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  But in the situation where that's not happening the Void in
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  partner wants to have a whole separate life.
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  Like they, they want the relationship to be a very small
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  part of their life, very compartmentalized.
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  They want to be themselves and themselves is a friend, you
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  know, a son, a father, a co-worker whatever they have all
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  these different identities and that's great, you know, more
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  roles in your life is actually associated with more happiness
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  because if something goes wrong in one role, you have other
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  roles, right? So that's why I can.
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  Be very depressing. When mother is stay at home with
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  kids because they only have the one roll.
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  So if things go bad with the kids, you know, you don't have
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  work to think about that. You're actually doing well at
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  work or you're actually doing well at a hobby, some say, at
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  home moms have hobbies, too. But the the point is, is like,
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  when I see stay-at-home moms, who are depressed is because
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  their whole roll. Likethere number one,
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  all-encompassing role is Mom. And so, then if something goes
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  wrong with that or the kids talk back or they're difficult, Never
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  then you feel so bad, you know, because it's such a big part of
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  your life, right? But be that, as it may, it's
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  great to have other roles but the avoidant partner likes to be
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  a totally separate entity like in all of these roles and to
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  just kind of present honestly like a single person, not in a
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  flirtatious manner, but just they're just totally different
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  in every role. So example, a securely attached
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  guy. If people, you know, we're
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  talking about what are your plans for the holidays?
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  Today, he'll be like, oh my wife and I are going to do this and
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  our families go to do that whereas home or avoiding guys
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  going to say, I am going to run this 5K.
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  I am going to catch up on work. I am going to see my mother even
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  though like the whole family's going or whatever.
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  So also avoiding people don't necessarily want these sort of
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  communications to be parsed apart by their hyper-vigilant
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  preoccupied partner. Who would very much pick up on,
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  why don't you ever say we why don't you Mention me to anybody
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  Etc and it's not always for a nefarious reason, you know it
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  infidelity rates generally are fairly low higher in men than in
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  women but 80% of men and 87% of women don't cheat so you know of
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  married people. So anyway it's not always
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  because of infidelity even encompassing poor news.
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  It can just be because the avoid and person does not want to be
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  just he doesn't want to be or she doesn't want to be
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  constrained in. Anyway, they want to be able to
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  speak freely and freely often means presenting a somebody who
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  is fairly unencumbered, you know, or is just very free and
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  easy and doesn't act like a family or person or a couple
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  person because that is not comfortable part of their
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  identity. They say a lot of I statements,
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  instead of a lot of we statements and in general, not
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  only do, they not want this type of communication to be seen.
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  But, you know, sometimes also, They do and crackle pod people
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  do as well, complain about them, mean partnership to friends and
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  whatever. So if people are not happily
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  married, then they are going to complain about the partnership
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  to friends and preoccupied attachment.
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  People will say, well, it's nothing that I don't tell him to
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  his face, but the avoid and person wants to avoid conflict.
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  So, if they do confide in anybody about anything, they
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  certainly don't want that to come back and lead to a problem.
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  So, in general, so let's say that That you have that.
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  You are the one who your partner is always saying, please.
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  I want to see your stuff. Why don't you let me see your
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  stuff. And they say if you aren't
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  hiding anything, why don't you want me to see it?
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  Like, you got a first interrogate.
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  Are you an avoidant attachment person?
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  That's very difficult to get to know difficult with expressing
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  feelings, Etc. You know?
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  Or is it that this person you're at the beginning of a
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  relationship with a new person? Let's say and you, you are a
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  more securely attached person that just honestly Once you
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  know, to be yourself like in your, in your emails and your
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  talking, it's interesting because so many people would
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  never ask to come to a partner's therapy session but the last to
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  go through their phone and your phone has as much personal stuff
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  between you and other people friends and whatever and you're
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  like your search histories like all sorts of stuff.
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  It's just as private is going to somebody's therapy session, you
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  know? And while of course I do and
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  have encouraged people to talk about their therapy sessions to
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  their partners because it's a great way.
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  Way to help somebody understand what you're working on, what you
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  struggle with Etc and for them to know you better.
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  I certainly don't tell anybody to like record their therapy
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  session and play it for their partner because that's like
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  that's an invasion of privacy. How could somebody really be
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  real when they think that somebody's going to be watching
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  and judging? So if somebody is up your butt
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  to share your phone and email privacy passwords with, then you
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  should think about how you're coming off.
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  Are you really to avoid Wait in, in general are you hiding
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  anything or is it this person just really struggling with
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  their own insecurities and issues and you guys need to
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  either break up if it's the beginning of a new relationship
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  or somebody's constantly jealous and controlling, then that's not
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  a good sign breakup. But if this a long-term marriage
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  and your wife, let's say is always asking you for your
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  passwords. Then if you're not hiding
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  anything, you know, perhaps you could say, you know, listen II
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  need my space. Face because of our Dynamic.
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  Like you really do want a lot for me and push a lot of my
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  boundaries and I feel like you would make problems about things
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  that you see. You would have some issue with
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  the way that I verbalize things to friends or family or
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  whatever. This is of course if you're not
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  like literally trash-talking your partner, which you should
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  never do if that's the reason, you're not cheering your phone.
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  Then you know, I mean if your reason you're not sharing your
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  phone is that you're saying to your brother man.
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  I want to divorce my wife. Well I mean then you got to
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  introspect obviously your partner's picking up on
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  something, right? It she knows something's coming
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  down the pike so she wants to talk to you know, have access to
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  that information which was understandable.
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  But you got to say I think that we should get into couples
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  counseling because I would love to be in a relationship where
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  like I could give you my password but I feel like I gave
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  you my password, you be going back in my phone through.
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  Do you know, the, in my Gmail, until 2015, trying to find
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  evidence of? Me cheating on you or trying to
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  find evidence that I am not into you or trying to find evidence
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  that I am, you know, disengaged, you know, whatever the case may
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  be. So it would be great.
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  The ideal would be again, for all people in a serious
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  relationship that have, you know, joint assets, and kids and
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  all sorts of stuff, to be able to go into each other's, email,
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  to help out or to understand what's going on with God forbid,
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  somebody died. You know, you should have some
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  sort of plan for like, what you do with that?
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  Wouldn't you want your partner to be able to see certain
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  things? I don't know.
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  I would maybe you wouldn't it. It's an individual issue but
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  what I do know is that this is a big one boundaries and privacy
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  is a big one that can be worked on productively and couples
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  counseling because some people don't really even think about
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  it. Like, you know, some preoccupied
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  Partners don't even think. Well, yeah, I mean, I guess I
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  wouldn't want him listening to every conversation I had with my
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  best friend when I think about it and my therapy session.
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  And when I talked to my mom and when I Journal like you know or
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  like whatever, like even the most preoccupied attachment
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  person usually has some area. I mean maybe you don't like to
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  keep the door open when you go to the bathroom you could use
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  that as the equivalent, you know.
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  So everybody's got some boundaries something that they
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  want kept private. The problem comes.
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  When there's such a disparity between what one person
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  considers fair game to discuss on the other.
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  Another problem is when one person feels the other There's
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  always laying in, wait, trying to catch them at doing something
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  bad. And then, of course, there are
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  the situations where there isn't Fidelity going on or extensive
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  pouring use and and the phone is being hidden for that reason.
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  So hopefully this gives you an overview.
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  It's definitely something that is useful to talk about in
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  counseling because it relates to a greater pursuer distance or
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  dynamic. It does not.
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  It's not about the film. You know.
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  No thing is just about that thing.
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  If this is about trust, it's about security.
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  It's about attachment. Aunt.
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  It's about boundaries it's about the relative importance of the
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  individual versus the couple. It's about a million things.
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  All right. So hopefully this was a good,
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  you know, answer to the person who wanted to know about this
• 15:18
  and I will talk to you all soon. Please do follow me on Tick,
• 15:22
  Tock, and Facebook. I just hit. 50,000 followers on
• 15:26
  Facebook. So, that's great.
• 15:28
  And I will talk to you soon. Have a great day.