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Family Estrangement And Shared Healing · The Spiritual Shitshow Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello and welcome back to the Spiritual Shit Show.
• 0:03
  This is the podcast where healing gets real because life can get messy.
• 0:07
  And together we are remembering who we are.
• 0:11
  My name is Julie Wynn, your spiritual hype girl, and this is the space to come back to yourself and this is the space for me.
• 0:20
  To share my story with the intent of helping you to land in where you are in life.
• 0:28
  So much of what I share here is my own personal experience, and I do that because when my life truly ruptured about nine years ago, I felt so alone and I felt so devastated by what I was going through that.
• 0:48
  I Can you hear my dog in the back?
• 0:52
  Tippity.
• 0:52
  Tap, tap, tap.
• 0:54
  We're not gonna edit this out.
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  We're gonna keep going.
• 0:56
  Alright.
• 0:58
  I felt so devastated in my life and lost and alone and broken and, you know.
• 1:11
  Nine years ago, but really so many years before that, I was in a very abusive relationship.
• 1:19
  It was not healthy.
• 1:21
  It was so.
• 1:23
  I'm trying to figure out how I wanna say this because there's two sides to the coin always that there is my experience and then there's somebody else's experience that is true for them, where they can also say, I know I did that to you, but I was also feeling, so I know that I am a person who can hold empathy and say, you know, like.
• 1:49
  my friend said, there's no real bad person.
• 1:53
  It's just a really hurt person, a very deeply wounded person.
• 1:58
  So there's that.
• 1:59
  But for me, being on my side of the story, I always craved.
• 2:05
  A mentor, I craved family.
• 2:08
  I craved a sense of belonging.
• 2:10
  I craved somebody to root for me, which is probably why that's what I do in my life now for other people, is because I so deeply desired somebody to root for me to see me, to champion me through life, to believe in me.
• 2:26
  So that's what I do now for other people, while also reminding myself that I have to do it for myself too.
• 2:31
  And.
• 2:33
  when I had to step out of what was a narcissistic relationship, an emotionally abusive relationship, a financially abusive relationship, it was also family.
• 2:44
  And when I left, my family blamed me, so I felt so lost in it.
• 2:49
  It was.
• 2:50
  It was a fucking shit show, which led to my spiritual shit show because I had no choice but to lean into it, to the darkness, to lean into the depths of my despair and to go deep enough to hopefully go deep enough where then I was back into the light again, and it's taken a really long time.
• 3:12
  Part of my rupture, too was.
• 3:16
  An estrangement from my sister, my sister.
• 3:20
  I didn't have a mom growing up, but I had a sister and I desired so much for, for that relationship and the gratitude for having a fucking sister.
• 3:32
  And at the time, my sister and I did everything together.
• 3:36
  we lived together, we worked together, we traveled together, we did all the things together.
• 3:41
  And when.
• 3:42
  I couldn't do it anymore.
• 3:45
  I was estranged from my sister and I did everything that I could think of to keep the relationship alive, and I was hoping and.
• 3:57
  Praying that the relationship could mend at some point, or we could see eye to eye, or we could collectively figure out how to move forward together in a way that we could still be in each other's lives or in our kids' lives.
• 4:11
  And that did not happen, and that has been such a fucking pain point for me.
• 4:17
  Such a fucking pain point and so annoying that I pray every day to please get her out of my thoughts.
• 4:23
  Please get this part of my healing out of my way because it is only creating sadness for me.
• 4:29
  I don't know what to do with this sadness.
• 4:31
  I don't know how to heal it.
• 4:32
  Like how do you heal and grieve something that has been lost but is literally.
• 4:39
  Like seven minutes away from your house, like we still live in this, like in close proximity.
• 4:45
  She's still doing what I used to do, which was, you know, the, the, the business.
• 4:50
  Like it is such a mind fuck.
• 4:52
  It is such a mind fuck.
• 4:55
  And I have stated so much, like I just miss.
• 4:59
  Having that person, because my sister used to be that person.
• 5:03
  She would be that person that I would just call.
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  Then we would just sit on the phone and say nothing.
• 5:07
  She would be the person that we could just sit together and watch TV and we could just be together.
• 5:12
  She was my person that we could, I could just be, I could just be myself with her.
• 5:16
  Yes, there was also all of these other factors that were very unhealthy, but at the core of it, what I desired, she gave me, she was my sister.
• 5:28
  There is such a pain point in having.
• 5:32
  A ruptured family or having a family that rattles your nervous system to the point where you are drinking copious amounts of wine to get through it, it fucking sucks.
• 5:45
  And then it also sucks when you can look at other people's family.
• 5:48
  Like my husband's family is so healthy, they're so supportive.
• 5:53
  They, they genu like it is the coolest thing to be a part of.
• 5:57
  And that's not really my blood family.
• 6:00
  I can't say that my blood family is like that.
• 6:03
  It is just not.
• 6:05
  And so that also is like a weird thing that some of us dance in and through when we are participating in estrangement within the family or you know, like it's just, I don't feel good when I'm around my family.
• 6:19
  And that statement fucking sucks.
• 6:22
  And that is not just my story because in the sharing of my story, there has been a collective.
• 6:30
  Ah, fuck yes.
• 6:32
  That is how I feel too.
• 6:33
  Or I feel alone, or I just, maybe I'm gonna have this sadness that I carry with me for the rest of my life and I have no choice but just to live my life and know that the sadness is going to be there.
• 6:48
  If this is what you're going through.
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  I am so sorry'cause I know.
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  I know.
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  I know how it can.
• 6:56
  It just sucks.
• 6:57
  It just does.
• 6:58
  It just sucks.
• 6:59
  And I think it sucks because family's not supposed to be that way.
• 7:02
  This idea that we have from family, that family's supposed to be our safe spacer.
• 7:06
  Family's supposed to be the, the, you know, our home or that place that we can be, or the place that loves us unconditionally.
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  And when we don't feel like it's our family that loves us unconditionally and when family members have it in them to push you out and make your life miserable and actively try to destroy your life.
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  Holy mother.
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  Fucking shit.
• 7:33
  That is deep.
• 7:35
  That is deep, that is deep.
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  And it can be a pain that maybe a lot of people don't understand.
• 7:44
  And I have a friend who has a very similar story to mine and she always just says like it's, it's something I don't know if I'll ever get through.
• 7:53
  And now I'm learning how to be okay with that, that I may just be sad forever and that pain may just be with me forever.
• 8:00
  But it is a pain all the same.
• 8:03
  And I get it and I get it.
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  And I'm so lucky that I have friends that also have similar stories because, you know, my husband doesn't understand it'cause that's not his reality, that's not his family.
• 8:15
  So when I am feeling sad in my own life or when I am with them and there's a part of me that feels sad'cause I'm like, I this, I don't know organically what this is for me because.
• 8:26
  I just, I don't have a family unit that I feel safe and loved in unconditionally.
• 8:31
  Safe and loved in.
• 8:34
  What does that feel like?
• 8:35
  What does that feel like for your nervous system?
• 8:39
  But I am grateful for my husband's family, which is my family, and I'm super grateful that that is what my daughter knows and what my daughter gets to grow up with.
• 8:47
  But I also understand it's like the God shaped hole that is there.
• 8:53
  And so I'm giving voice to that for those who may feel that, you know, within their own family of like, wow.
• 9:00
  And then.
• 9:02
  You know, and some people say, well, it's not your, it's your chosen family.
• 9:05
  And I love my chosen family.
• 9:08
  That is true too.
• 9:09
  And that's what this podcast is about because I've been thinking a lot lately about shared healing and you know, when I have sadness because I miss that person who my sister was for me, she was my sister.
• 9:24
  I am so fucking grateful for the sisters who have showed up in my life.
• 9:31
  The sisters that have now become that person, these people that have been the most unexpected part of my healing journey.
• 9:44
  Wow.
• 9:44
  Wow, wow.
• 9:45
  Life is so tender and complex, isn't it?
• 9:48
  It's tough and it's brutal and it's loving and there's so much gratitude for those who come into your life and can hold the space where pain once lived.
• 9:58
  I have been incredibly grateful to be in so many healing spaces, considering that's what my life has been for the past nine years, which has been deep, deep healing, but these healing circles and spaces with friends.
• 10:11
  In conversations where we can actually be real with one another, we can be vulnerable.
• 10:19
  And when you start to do that and you can do that, you start to notice something that the stories are different, but the threads are the same.
• 10:33
  Abandonment, self-worth, feeling like you're not enough.
• 10:39
  Family wounds, betrayal.
• 10:43
  Learning how to feel safe in your own life.
• 10:47
  being alone, and the caretaking of parents.
• 10:52
  Working through relationships and marriage and growth and, healing.
• 11:01
  Just being in the healing journey.
• 11:02
  And there's something really powerful that happens when you're not just healing on your own, but you're witnessing someone else do their work to, and these threads that you can identify.
• 11:18
  Stops being just their story, but you can feel it in your own body too and vice versa.
• 11:24
  You start seeing pieces of yourself in it and the people that are in your circle as you share your story can see parts of your story in them, and you start to realize.
• 11:37
  This lives here.
• 11:40
  This is part of the collective human experience.
• 11:44
  And in that moment, there's a kind of healing that happens that you can't really do alone.
• 11:50
  It's like we're all part of this shared web, and when one person shifts, it ripples.
• 11:58
  And here's another part of it though, because other people, even if you're sharing in healed spaces together, other people can trigger you and they can trigger you and your healing.
• 12:12
  And that doesn't mean that something is wrong or they are wrong.
• 12:15
  It usually means something is being revealed when other people trigger you.
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  That means something is being revealed for you.
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  For them.
• 12:30
  The question is, can you stay in it long enough to see what it's showing you?
• 12:37
  Because it's easy to pull away.
• 12:39
  It's easy to protect.
• 12:40
  It's easy to shut down.
• 12:42
  It's easy to judge.
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  It's easy to feel offended and or to make it about them.
• 12:49
  But if you can stay in it, curious, if you can stay grounded enough.
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  To look at your own reaction, how you're reacting to it, what is coming up for you, how your nervous system is reacting here.
• 13:06
  If you can stay curious long enough, there's information there, and that's where the growth is.
• 13:16
  I also wanna say something here that I think is really important, that sometimes our healing can be performative.
• 13:23
  And I don't wanna say that in a harsh way.
• 13:25
  I just noticed that within myself as well, that I'm a very people pleasing person.
• 13:32
  And in my previous career it was very performative.
• 13:35
  Like, how can I show up to make you happy?
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  Let me dance for you and I.
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  Know that there's parts of me or we that want to help, we can want to support, we can want to hold space for other people.
• 13:52
  And underneath that, there can still be parts of us that are triggered, wounded, or trying to prove something.
• 13:58
  And when that happens.
• 14:00
  Sometimes our helping can get messy.
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  Sometimes the way we show up for others is actually coming from our own stuff, and that can unintentionally hurt someone else.
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  And this is where personal accountability becomes everything.
• 14:17
  This is where the real work is.
• 14:20
  Because it's not about being perfect, and I'm saying that for myself too.
• 14:24
  I share my pain points, I share my story.
• 14:27
  I really try to hold space, which is why I like to channel,'cause it gets more of me out of the way and more light and love and truth to be present.
• 14:37
  So it's not about being perfect.
• 14:41
  But I do think it's about being aware enough to catch yourself to say, whoa, I was really triggered there.
• 14:49
  That wasn't actually aligned with who I am.
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  Fuck, I am sorry.
• 14:56
  I am really, really sorry, and to really mean it.
• 15:01
  There is something very powerful about being in relationships where you can have rupture.
• 15:08
  Then repair.
• 15:10
  This is the healing work.
• 15:13
  My past pain stories there is so much rupture and now I'm seeking for the repair, the light, the opportunity.
• 15:23
  It is okay to say I was out of line.
• 15:27
  I am sorry.
• 15:29
  I am sorry that I hurt you.
• 15:32
  And instead of breaking the connection or shit talking, can you stay long enough to see where the repair can be built instead of breaking the connection, how can you deepen it?
• 15:49
  Because now you're not just connecting from your best self, you're connecting from your real self, not your perfect self, not your completely healed self.
• 15:58
  That's impossible.
• 15:59
  But from your real self and that kind of honesty, that safety, that's rare.
• 16:07
  And it is also something that we are co-creating The sisters that have stepped into my life so lovingly.
• 16:16
  Have helped me to be in my story, to feel safe enough to heal, to be seen, to be me.
• 16:30
  And I realize that not every space will be able to hold that.
• 16:34
  And not every person you meet will be that or be able to meet you there.
• 16:40
  And that's part of the discernment too.
• 16:44
  But when you do find those people, when you find spaces where you can be real and messy and growing and human, and still be met with love, that is a fucking gift.
• 17:02
  And I just wanna take a moment here to say thank you to the people in my life who hold that kind of space, especially to my Energy Club.
• 17:11
  Energy Club is a online space on Monday, and I am just so grateful.
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  Because yes, I facilitate it and yes, I channel.
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  But really it's a practice.
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  It's a practice in showing up.
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  It's a practice in being real.
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  It's a practice in moving through the rub and the light together.
• 17:30
  So to everyone in Energy Club, thank you to all of my sisters who have stepped into my life.
• 17:38
  Thank you.
• 17:40
  Thank you for your honesty.
• 17:41
  Thank you for your openness.
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  Thank you for your willingness to be in it with me.
• 17:45
  It means more than you probably know, because spaces like that, they change you.
• 17:53
  Healing together is what we're supposed to be doing.
• 17:58
  And I'll be honest, this has been a big one for me because not only, like I said, has there been just like a God shaped hole.
• 18:05
  That is very present in my life.
• 18:08
  You know, being estranged from somebody who, we literally had an article written about us, that we were the yin and yang, and to not have that anymore has been such a challenge in my life, but it's also given me my freedom.
• 18:23
  It's also allowed me time to heal and to get to know myself.
• 18:28
  It has also given me the opportunity to remember who I am and what I love to do.
• 18:34
  And I love to champion people.
• 18:36
  I love to support.
• 18:38
  I love to see other people win.
• 18:40
  And again, I have to do that for myself too.
• 18:44
  And what I'm learning is how to receive that, how to let people reflect my light back to me.
• 18:51
  And how to let that land.
• 18:54
  And to the people in my life who do that, the ones who show up consistently, authentically without judgment, They've helped me soften in ways I didn't even know I needed.
• 19:06
  They've helped me to feel safe in relationships again.
• 19:10
  And you know, when his sister.
• 19:12
  Can just send you a, a love nugget, send you a unexpected gift in the mail, or send you an Instagram thing saying that they're thinking of you, or just reach out and say, I am really thinking of you today.
• 19:26
  I don't take that lightly.
• 19:28
  It's healing, and I am so grateful.
• 19:32
  So with all that being said, today, I wanna offer you something simple.
• 19:37
  A little moment to pause.
• 19:39
  Who are the people in your life that feel like that?
• 19:44
  The ones who see you, the ones who hold you, the ones who reflect you back to yourself in a way that feels honest and loving and real and safe.
• 19:58
  and can you?
• 20:01
  Allow yourself to be received and seen by them fully and feel deep, deep gratitude for them.
• 20:10
  And I mean like really feel it because I'm here to remind you that those type of people and that type of connection and that kind of shared healing, that is not something to overlook.
• 20:25
  That's something to honor.
• 20:27
  What a gift it is to have people to grow with, to heal with, to be yourself with.
• 20:36
  And if it feels right, maybe reach out to them.
• 20:43
  Let them know we are not meant to do this journey alone.
• 20:48
  There was an analogy that came in energy club and it was, we need each other.
• 20:54
  And they were saying, you know, we're all on this web, and this web can be like a trampoline and you can jump alone on the trampoline, but if you get a couple friends on the trampoline to jump with you, they can bounce you higher.
• 21:08
  And those are the people that we want to find.
• 21:13
  Those are the people that we can treasure as we walk this journey or dance in this journey of life together to find these people who don't fix you, who don't save you, but they see you.
• 21:29
  Do you know what a fucking gift that is?
• 21:31
  To have people who see you, who really fucking see you and not judge you, and not belittle you, and not gaslight you, but see you?
• 21:39
  God, that is such a gift.
• 21:43
  I haven't had that really a lot in my formative years, but I have that now, and if you have that.
• 21:52
  These people who really see you and love you and support you and will bounce you higher in life, just take a moment, hold some gratitude, reach out, thank them.
• 22:05
  Journal about them.
• 22:07
  What a gift we can be to each other.
• 22:10
  When we are chasing the external validations, the job, the opportunity, the car, the money, the thing, let's not forget to see the gold that is already in our lives and how the real gifts show up as the people in our lives.
• 22:32
  All right, y'all, thanks for listening.
• 22:33
  Sending love.