Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 148. 2 children, 2 different fathers: Lost, scared & ALONE

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148. 2 children, 2 different fathers: Lost, scared & ALONE · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apolgie Production.
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  Speaker 2: I need your advice.
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  Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened? Promise it won't be too much.
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  Speaker 1: Bring it in.
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  Speaker 3: Welcome to our bestie segment, My Girl, My Da, my girl.
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  Speaker 2: This is the place for you.
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  Speaker 1: Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, wherever you are on
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  Speaker 1: the world. Welcome back to another Bestie segment where we
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: are reading out an anonymous submission from one of our followers.
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  Speaker 1: What have you got for us today?
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  Speaker 2: I've got an interesting one.
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  Speaker 1: Buckle in you, buckle in, Let's do it.
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  Speaker 3: I'm feeling completely lost right now. I came out of
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  Speaker 3: a three year relationship back in March, and we have
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  Speaker 3: a child together who's almost two, and I have an
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  Speaker 3: older daughter from a previous relationship. Even though I was
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  Speaker 3: the one who ended it, it still feels like my
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  Speaker 3: world has fallen apart. I love him deeply, but I
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  Speaker 3: know that I can't go back. Lately, I've been struggling
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  Speaker 3: with feelings of serious unworthiness, like I'm not deserving of
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  Speaker 3: love because I have two children or two different fathers.
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  Speaker 3: I don't want to carry this anymore, and I just
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  Speaker 3: want to heal from the trauma of my past relationship
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  Speaker 3: and become a better mother for my kids and a
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  Speaker 3: better version of myself help.
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  Speaker 1: Ah, that's tough. There's not a lot of context, is there,
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  Speaker 1: Like why the relationship ended, and you know, if you
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  Speaker 1: love him deeply, I want to think there's ways you
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  Speaker 1: can work it out, but there must have been something
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  Speaker 1: that's happened. It's so hard with these best suhbisitions. If
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  Speaker 1: there isn't an order context.
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  Speaker 2: There's at least like so much we can give based
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  Speaker 2: on how we perceive.
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  Speaker 1: It, because I have to assume that he's done something
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  Speaker 1: really bad.
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  Speaker 3: Well, she said, I know I can't go back. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: so for whatever reason, she knows it's not good for her. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: that's how I take that.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, I think this is a really beautiful
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  Speaker 1: time for you just to focus on yourself. I think
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  Speaker 1: you have to let go of the story of you know,
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  Speaker 1: the two fathers, and like shit happens, life happens. There's
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  Speaker 1: so many women out there that have different fathers to
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  Speaker 1: different children, and that's okay. That doesn't make you any
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  Speaker 1: less of a person, make you any less worthy of
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  Speaker 1: having love, any less fun, smart, all the beautiful traits
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  Speaker 1: about yourself, So don't forget any of those. But if
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  Speaker 1: I was ever in your situation, I would definitely be
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  Speaker 1: taking a long period of time to just be with myself,
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  Speaker 1: focus on my kids, focus on my grief, focus on healing, regulating,
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  Speaker 1: and just being rather than getting distracted with another partner
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  Speaker 1: and relationship sounds like you need some time. Healing isn't
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  Speaker 1: linear either. You don't wake up one day and just
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  Speaker 1: over it. Especial relationships, it takes a lot of time
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  Speaker 1: because you're grieving someone that's not.
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  Speaker 3: Dead, absolutely, and that's a really hard thing in relationships,
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  Speaker 3: and especially if you're feeling lost in yourself right now.
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  Speaker 3: Usually when that happens, it's because within the relationship dynamic,
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  Speaker 3: you lost yourself in the relationship. So now that the
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  Speaker 3: relationship isn't there, you don't have any foundation that's holding
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  Speaker 3: you up whilst you're grieving this relationship. Because maybe in
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  Speaker 3: the relationship it was like, Oh, it wasn't a priority anymore.
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  Speaker 3: That person, that man became everything, and then I was like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: I'm so excited in the excitement of love and this relationship,
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  Speaker 3: or maybe even the challenges in the relationship, that you
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  Speaker 3: stop prioritizing the things that were important to you, and
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  Speaker 3: when you stop building your life outside of a relationship,
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  Speaker 3: it can become really easy to crumble. So I experienced
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  Speaker 3: this recently in a long term relationship.
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  Speaker 2: That I left.
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  Speaker 3: I completely felt like I'd completely lost myself for a
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  Speaker 3: good six months after my relationship. And you feel the same.
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  Speaker 1: So your friends, you weren't doing hobbies which is built
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  Speaker 1: around his schedule and like his life.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I mean I was like I was still
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  Speaker 3: seeing like everybody, but it felt like I remember, there
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  Speaker 3: was a period where I felt hard to do other stuff.
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  Speaker 3: It was like I felt like every day felt like
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  Speaker 3: a slog because I was just dealing with this heartbreak
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  Speaker 3: and my heart was hurting, and then I still had
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  Speaker 3: to just move on with life.
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  Speaker 1: Oh I even post breakup post to him when you're
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  Speaker 1: in the sorry post breakup.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, post breakup yeah you know. And so I
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  Speaker 3: think that's something that you get to focus on now,
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  Speaker 3: is really rebuilding who you are as a woman, Like yeah,
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  Speaker 3: like actually said, like focus on this time on you
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  Speaker 3: and don't run away from the grief, you know, don't
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  Speaker 3: don't run away from the heartbreak and the pain and
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  Speaker 3: how much it hurts and how you know, how every
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  Speaker 3: day may feel like a slog, you know, especially you've
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  Speaker 3: got two children, you're a mom, You've got to the
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  Speaker 3: show must go on, you know, So make sure that
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  Speaker 3: you're making time to grieve and allow yourself to process
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  Speaker 3: what you're feeling. If you feel angry one day, go
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  Speaker 3: sit in the car screen. If you feel like you
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  Speaker 3: need to cry once the kids go to bed, hit
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  Speaker 3: the pillow and cry and listen to beautiful music and
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  Speaker 3: allow it to just come through. But then focus this
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  Speaker 3: time on rebuilding, Like your main priority now just gets
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  Speaker 3: to be about becoming so much better because you have
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  Speaker 3: to show up every single day regardless, and the more
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  Speaker 3: that you focus on yourself, the stronger you're going to get.
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  Speaker 3: I imagine as a parent. I'm not a parent, but
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  Speaker 3: I imagine that it would just be easier for you to
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  Speaker 3: do that. So focus on the things that will help
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  Speaker 3: you get better. If that's consistent movement, if it's making
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  Speaker 3: sure that you're going to bed at a certain time,
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  Speaker 3: is it, you know, making better habits where you're learning
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  Speaker 3: and growing and reading books about how to become better
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  Speaker 3: and how to heal from heartbreak and all of those
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  Speaker 3: things that is going to help you become so much stronger.
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  Speaker 3: And you may not feel it right now, but you'll
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  Speaker 3: feel it in three months from now, or you'll feel
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  Speaker 3: it in two months from now. It is not a
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  Speaker 3: straight and narrow path, and it's going to feel hard
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  Speaker 3: for a little bit. But if you can just be
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  Speaker 3: okay with the fact that it's going to hurt for
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  Speaker 3: a little while, you're going to be okay doing the
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  Speaker 3: hard things whilst you're hurting.
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  Speaker 1: Must be such a job to go from your partner
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  Speaker 1: being your whole life to them being like, oh my god,
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  Speaker 1: who the fuck am I what I do with my time?
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  Speaker 1: I'm so used to texting them we did this together. Now,
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  Speaker 1: even like bathtime routine. My friends that have gone through
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  Speaker 1: breakups that have kids, even bathtime routine is so stressful
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  Speaker 1: and hard because they're so used to having the extra
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  Speaker 1: set of hands. It's doing everything by yourself. You're looking dinny,
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  Speaker 1: you're doing the bath, you're dealing with tantrums, you're trying
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  Speaker 1: to regulate yourself, and you just get to the end
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  Speaker 1: of the day and absolutely spend So just be so
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  Speaker 1: kind to yourself in this period because you're grieving whilst
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  Speaker 1: you're trying to keep your head to float and look
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  Speaker 1: after the kids and make sure they're okay, and just know,
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  Speaker 1: I think it's going to take a couple of months
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  Speaker 1: just to feel like you've got your head above water
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  Speaker 1: and settle into your new normal and your new routine,
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  Speaker 1: and if you can just find pockets, little pockets for yourself.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know about you, but me personally, if I
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  Speaker 1: was to ever go through this, I just don't think
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  Speaker 1: I would do it without my girlfriends. So if you
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  Speaker 1: have close friends around you, like, lean on them, and
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  Speaker 1: if you don't, I always guarantee they'd be Facebook forums
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  Speaker 1: for like single Moms and the Gorcos or single Moms
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  Speaker 1: in Sydney, And there's even an hour I think it's
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  Speaker 1: called Peanut or something where you can meet up with
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  Speaker 1: other mums that are going through similar things to you
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  Speaker 1: and you guys. Yeah, you guys can support each other,
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  Speaker 1: reach out to other moms on social media. Like I've
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  Speaker 1: made friends on social media before, there's always someone else
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  Speaker 1: that you know needs support too, and you guys can
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  Speaker 1: connect on what you're going through. So I just think
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  Speaker 1: make sure you're not doing this alone, because you don't
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  Speaker 1: have to do it alone, and just sometimes having someone
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  Speaker 1: to just vent to and hold space for you just
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  Speaker 1: help you breathe again, you know, and get through another day.
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  Speaker 1: But just one day at a time, one step at
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  Speaker 1: a time. Take any pressure off yourself right now to
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  Speaker 1: hit big goals and be okay and be happy, like
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  Speaker 1: you just need to get through and allow yourself to
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  Speaker 1: have this time of heartbreak. Absolutely, man, it's rough, especially
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  Speaker 1: with kids. When you don't have kids, you can really
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  Speaker 1: like take the time to greet Yeah, go do the
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  Speaker 1: things you want to do and lay in beddled and
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  Speaker 1: rottle day for you to be kids, you up, you
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  Speaker 1: have to get up. So pockets of time and lots
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  Speaker 1: of support, yeah, would be my advice. But yeah, it's
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  Speaker 1: not linear, no, And if you do have support or
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  Speaker 1: you do have time where you're able to have a
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  Speaker 1: moment to yourself. And obviously this has maybe look different
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  Speaker 1: because I don't have kids, so I don't know if
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  Speaker 1: this is viable for you, but if it is, like
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  Speaker 1: what was really helpful for me was doing things that
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  Speaker 1: felt really hard, like training, you know, Like yes, way
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  Speaker 1: back when when I was young and I didn't know
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  Speaker 1: how to make good choices. Whenever I would go through
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  Speaker 1: something like this, I would lean towards emotionally eating or
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  Speaker 1: I would lean towards avoidance or things that made me
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  Speaker 1: feel shit. But when I started to feel this and
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  Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, if I can channel this pain
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  Speaker 1: and this hurt into like training, that's cool.
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  Speaker 3: You know. Then it was like it was like I
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  Speaker 3: was almost like transmuting the energy.
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  Speaker 1: That's cool when you're use energy in a positive way,
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  Speaker 1: like the anger even to go do a boxing class.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, So I was like anytime I felt heartbroken
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  Speaker 3: or I was hurting, I was anger, I was pissed off,
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  Speaker 3: I was like fuck you or excuse swearing or anything
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  Speaker 3: like that, I'd be like, all right, I'm going for
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  Speaker 3: a training session, or I'd be like okay later today
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  Speaker 3: when I finished my work of going for a walk,
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  Speaker 3: and then I would just I walk out that energy,
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  Speaker 3: you know, and like channel it into something that's going
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  Speaker 3: to help you build good habits.
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  Speaker 1: I really love that.
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  Speaker 2: It's been a game changer for me.
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  Speaker 1: And like anger boxing be great, just lots of energy
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  Speaker 1: waits good emotional dancing and yoga, like we store a
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  Speaker 1: lot of emotions in our hips. Doing some intense yoga
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  Speaker 1: poses can have big releases. With a girlfriend that's going
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  Speaker 1: through immense grief at the moment, she's found like pilates
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  Speaker 1: and stretch classes. She cries every session because she's like
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  Speaker 1: releasing all these emotions. Yeah, there's lots of different things
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  Speaker 1: that you could use that energy for. And once again,
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  Speaker 1: when you've got a young child, I don't know if
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  Speaker 1: they go to daycare, or you could use YouTube at home. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: yoga at home with Tyala sometimes that's really good. Or
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  Speaker 1: the creation at the gym that would go into a
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  Speaker 1: park and she's playing on the playground and you're doing
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  Speaker 1: a workout from YouTube. You know, there's lots of different
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  Speaker 1: options you can do. You make it work, make it work,
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: find a way, and every single day try and do
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  Speaker 1: something for you. But if it's just five minutes in
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  Speaker 1: the sun, like having sud in your skin, just to
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  Speaker 1: relax and take some big breaths. And when the kids
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  Speaker 1: go to bed, that is your time. Call a girlfriend,
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  Speaker 1: make a beautiful dinner, bath, listen to a podcast, meditate,
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  Speaker 1: self pleasure, whatever you want to do. That's just for you. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: but I'm sending you so much luve because I honestly,
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  Speaker 1: watching my friends go through this with kids, it's just
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  Speaker 1: so hard. A break up alone is hard enough, and
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  Speaker 1: then with kids on top of it.
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  Speaker 3: It's just imagine so challenging, so exhausting. Be kind to
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  Speaker 3: yourself about the belief that, you know, I've already got
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  Speaker 3: two children with two different men.
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  Speaker 1: Don't even say that. You don't even need to say
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  Speaker 1: it out of mad. Yeah, that's okay.
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  Speaker 3: No one's going to judge you in the way that
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  Speaker 3: you're just yourself. You know, there's going to be a
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  Speaker 3: man who comes into your life one day when it's
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  Speaker 3: the right time. He's not even going to worry about that.
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  Speaker 3: He's going to care about who you are as a
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  Speaker 3: person and your heart and your nature and who you are,
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  Speaker 3: and he'll come in and you'll love your children. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: you know, So, like, don't limit yourself to thinking that,
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  Speaker 3: like that's what people will assume about you, because you
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  Speaker 3: still hold judgments around that from yourself.
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  Speaker 1: You know, I think you and I hear hear you
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  Speaker 1: say that, I'm like, good on you for walking away
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  Speaker 1: from two men that weren't right for you. Yeah, and
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  Speaker 1: that weren't right for your children. Like, you're not only
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  Speaker 1: doing this for yourself, you don't for your kids as well.
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  Speaker 1: And you don't want your kids to see an unhealthy
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  Speaker 1: relationship or see if something happened, he did something to you.
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  Speaker 1: You've shown them that you can walk away like you
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  Speaker 1: don't have to allow that, You've got boundaries and standards
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  Speaker 1: and self respect. I think that's amazing. I would ray
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  Speaker 1: rather hear a submission like this than someone that feels
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  Speaker 1: like they're stuck or they stay just because of the kids.
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  Speaker 1: Like your kids see that stuff. So I have a
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  Speaker 1: lot of respect and admiration for walking away for something
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  Speaker 1: that's not right for you, that it's not easy to do.
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  Speaker 2: You know what else? It shows me. It shows me
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  Speaker 2: that you were willing to try again.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and that like you, just because that it didn't
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  Speaker 3: work the first time, you're still open to love, and
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  Speaker 3: I think something to be really proud of. God.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's amazing.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I love that we're not made to fall in love
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  Speaker 1: with one person.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, it's not like the one. There's not just one
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  Speaker 2: human we love.
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  Speaker 1: And beautiful if you find your one and only and
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  Speaker 1: you grow old together, I absolutely love that for you,
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  Speaker 1: and I hope Steve and I have that as well. Amazing. Great.
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  Speaker 1: But if something was to happen to Steve and I,
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  Speaker 1: or this has happened with you and your partner or
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  Speaker 1: anyone else. You know, there's billions of people in the world,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: and you will find love again, and it will be
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: different and beautiful in its own amazing way. We're not
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: made just fall in love with one person, So keep
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: your heart open, keep your mind open, and know that
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: every part of your journey, like you would never regret
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: meeting this partner or your last, because you're two beautiful
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  Speaker 1: kids out of us. Have gratitude for that journey and
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: the memories you've had and the life you've created together.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: And also like that chapter can close now and you
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  Speaker 1: get to open up when you want. So I admire
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: you for walking away. We're excited for you for listening
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: love and update if you ever want to bring one
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: in and sending you.
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: Lots of love, We'll see you on the next one.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Bye bye,