Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / Why Do We Act Like Caring About Both Sides Means Standing for Nothing? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Kimberly Roller: Why do we act like caring about both sides means standing for nothing? Because lately it feels like if you don't pick a team, people assume you don't stand for anything at all. Like nuance equals weakness, like curiosity equals betrayal. But what if that's not true? What if caring about both sides mean you lack conviction? It means you're willing to face complexity instead of reducing everything to a team. And I think part of why this feels so intense right now is because we've been taught that if you're not fully for something, you must be against it. There's no room for I'm still thinking ⁓ no space for I see both ⁓ it's immediate judgment, immediate labeling, ⁓ and that's creating kind of pressure that makes people stop being and start performing. it's me, Kimberly. ⁓ And today I want to talk something that feels almost controversial right now. The idea that you care about both sides, not fence sitting not avoiding opinions, ⁓ but genuinely being able to hold more than one truth the same time. Because I've been on the receiving end of this where just listening to someone's perspective made people I was choosing sides and then suddenly I was the problem. ⁓ And before we go any quick note, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. ⁓ Take what resonates, leave what and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. I care about both sides because I actually think most of us want the same things. We want to get along. ⁓ We want meaningful conversations. We want to feel heard, somewhere along the way, we stopped trying to understand each other and we start treating life like a reality TV show where everything is dramatic. Everything needs to be extreme and someone always has to be the villain, ⁓ but that's not ⁓ real life. Or at least it shouldn't be. I was raised in a lot of us versus them thinking, especially about politics. It felt like I couldn't just believe in good ideas. I had to pick sides, but I kept asking myself, does a side really matter if we all benefit? And what I started noticing is this, When people rush to pick sides and demand loyalty without conversation, that's usually not a space where growth is going to happen. That's a space where control is because picking a side something psychological. gives you identity. gives you certainty. It tells you, these are my people. This is where I belong. ⁓ Belonging is powerful, but when belonging comes at the cost of thinking, that's where things start to break down. And honestly, this idea first clicked for me in a place I never expected. Childbirth. I believe both vaginal births and C-sections are giving birth. I know full stop. And yes, I joke about it with my friends that she pooped her babies out while mine were ripped out of me like an alien. that I gave birth alien style because humor is how I survive. But underneath the joke, there's something real. I've heard women say about other women, C-section and about their own, that it's the easy way out. Or I felt the tension when I admit that I tried for 30 hours and nothing happened. So I ended up having not so, ⁓ an emergency C-section ⁓ For some reason, it's something I should be ashamed of. And I've always thought that's just such a weird take because I had a surgery. I have mild nerve damage. I still get random pain where I was stitched up, getting up hurt for months, hurt. I could hold my toddler, but it took everything out of me to do it. And the first two weeks I felt great. And then ⁓ all of a sudden I crashed ⁓ after the adrenaline from the surgery went away. it cost me later. that's something people I don't think talk about. And yes, ⁓ I do about the experience I didn't have. I do wonder what it would have been like. ⁓ And at same time, I sit with the truth that I'll never know ⁓ if things have gone better or worse. Maybe everything would have been fine or maybe I would have hemorrhaged. Maybe I would have lost my baby. That uncertainty, ⁓ people don't that. ⁓ I struggle. With my C-section though, I did struggle ⁓ with my It took five days to finally come in. I struggled watching my oldest have issues with because my milk didn't come in in time. I felt like a failure. And at the same time, ⁓ I was deeply that we both lived. After five years of fertility struggles that honestly mattered more than anything. So for me, both things can be true. I can grieve what I didn't get and be grateful for what I did. I didn't take the easy way out. took the necessary out ⁓ and I don't need to defend that anymore. ⁓ And think that's where this shows up in a way because when people feel insecure about their choices, They don't always sit with that insecurity. Sometimes they project it. They turn it into judgment. They turn it into rules for everyone else. Not because they're trying to be harmful, but maybe it's because they're trying to feel certain and certainty feels safer than nuance That's this whole idea started for me. Two things can be true. And I had to unlearn a lot to get here because black and white thinking, it works when we talk about harm, but people were gray. I had to let go of a lot of ideas that I needed to be right all the time. ⁓ And I had to accept that I don't know everything, that I'm flawed and I'll never be perfect, but I can aim to be good enough and stay open to growth. I think that's where people struggle because growth is uncomfortable. And if you're going to live in comfort, discomfort feels like something is wrong, but sometimes this discomfort is just an opportunity. And I think we underestimate how hard that actually is to sit in the space of ⁓ might not be fully right. and that takes humility and it takes emotional regulation because it's uncomfortable ⁓ to not a clear answer. But that discomfort is where growth ⁓ actually happens. I'll be I sit in the middle politically and I've been judged from both sides for that. Two conservative for ⁓ liberals and two liberal for conservatives. And usually it's the people with the most extreme views who refuse to have conversations. And when I actually looked at both sides, I see value. I see people trying to solve problems. I see fear. see hope. And I see different approaches to similar goals. And I think what's happening right now is this extremes, they're louder. And I don't think most people are actually extreme. I think most people are tired. trying to make sense of this with the information they have, trying to protect what matters to them, trying to feel safe. But when conversations become about winning, instead of understanding, we lose the ability to work together. and that's where real damage happens. Not because people disagree, but because they stop listening. And fear is being used to push people into those extremes because people who are dysregulated are easier to control. And I've learned something important. ⁓ If you to make decisions from fear, you can't plan for the future or repair the past. You're just surviving the present. And survival. isn't where we see good leadership. I do love Jesus and I want to be clear about that, but I also have seen what happens when people stop thinking. I've always asked questions and I've always been told that that was okay, but it didn't always feel like it was okay in practice ⁓ because questioning often led loneliness. not because I was wrong because I was disrupting the comfort. I've seen people use religion to harm children and minorities ⁓ while claiming they're doing what's right. I've seen people perform instead of actually changing. ⁓ And that's where I started paying attention to this. ⁓ just listen to what people say. Look at what do because words are easy. ⁓ Anyone can sound convincing. Anyone can sound confident, but integrity shows up in action, in consistency, in how someone treats people when there's nothing to gain. And I think that's why questioning matters, not to tear things down, but to make sure that what we're building is actually aligned with truth. For me, questioning didn't weaken my faith, it deepened it, but it also made me realize something hard. Church as a space, doesn't always feel safe for me because I don't want comfort at the cost of truth. I don't want silence when harm is happening. I don't want to sit in a room that feels like if I speak up, no one will my So I've had to redefine what faith looks like to me, not abandoning it, but building it differently through communities, through accountability, through people who challenge me and want me to grow. And this shows up for family too, because I've always been someone who could see both sides. Even when someone was actively harmful, I would try to understand them, defend them, reframe their behavior. ⁓ But had to learn the hard way. Seeing both sides doesn't mean tolerating harm. And this is where I had to be really honest with myself because I was using empathy to stay in places that were hurting me. was using understanding as a reason to tolerate behavior. That wasn't okay. And there's a difference between I understand why you act this way ⁓ and I will to allow this in my life. ⁓ Those are not same things. Why are harmful people given access? Why are they still invited? Why are they given the microphone? In every other space, if you break rules, you're removed, But in families, we're calling it loyalty. And I had to ask myself, ⁓ who is actually rooting me? Because I was taught to keep the peace, even if it meant eating the pain. And I realized that pain didn't stay contained. It showed up how I felt, how I reacted and how I even parented. ⁓ And that's where the became clear. I will not continue cycles that harm my children. I don't want my girls to survive me. I want them to thrive. And I think that's where we've been taught to turn everything into people versus people, heroes versus villains. But most of the time, the problem isn't a person. It's greed, lack of education, biases. But it's easier to blame the person than face a system. picking a side makes it easier to sleep at night, but it doesn't us better. ⁓ And I think that's the real tension here because caring about both sides doesn't mean ⁓ excuse harm. It doesn't mean everything is equal. ⁓ It doesn't mean you stay silent. It means you're willing to understand without losing your ability to take a stand and that balance that's hard. So back to the question, why do we act like caring about both sides means standing for nothing? I think it's because certainty feels safer. Picking a team gives you answers. It tells you who's right and who's wrong, but real life isn't that clean and caring about both sides doesn't mean everything is equal. It means you're willing to think, to question, to hold complexity without losing yourself. And honestly, that's what I'm trying to do because the truth is it's easier to pick a side than to sit in complexity. It's easier to say this is right and this is wrong than admit this is complicated. But complicated doesn't mean directlessness. It means thoughtful. It means intentional. It means willing to engage instead of react. And I would rather live in that space than reducing people and problems into something that was never meant to be that simple.