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If They Were So Interested, Why Haven't They Texted? · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  Have you ever had someone act very interested in you?
• 0:11
  They texted consistently, they flirted, there was chemistry and
• 0:15
  banter. They made plans to get together.
• 0:18
  They seemed really excited to see you.
• 0:21
  And maybe they even said things like I really like you or I
• 0:25
  haven't felt this way in a long time.
• 0:27
  And then, seemingly out of the blue, something shifted and they
• 0:35
  pulled away. And now they haven't reached
• 0:38
  out. No explanation and no closure.
• 0:41
  No hay. I've been dealing with
• 0:43
  something. Just silence.
• 0:47
  And that silence is what messes with your head because your
• 0:51
  brain starts trying to figure out what the heck happened.
• 0:54
  So you keep wondering, what did I do?
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  What changed? Was any of this even real?
• 1:00
  Well in this video I'm going to explain the main reasons someone
• 1:04
  can be really interested and still not reach out after
• 1:09
  pulling away. So stay tuned if you're new
• 1:11
  here. Hi, my name is Lucia.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 1:16
  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
• 1:20
  And if you're not new, IT means you are part of my no contact
• 1:23
  army, my beautiful no contact army and welcome back.
• 1:27
  It's always wonderful to have you.
• 1:30
  OK, so this situation feels like torture for two reasons.
• 1:35
  First, you don't just feel rejected, you feel confused.
• 1:40
  And confusion creates an open loop which I talked about in my
• 1:44
  video 7 Reasons Why the No Contact Rule Works on Everyone
• 1:49
  because your brain keeps going back to it since there's an
• 1:53
  incomplete story and the brain hates open loops.
• 1:58
  And secondly, the silence makes you question your judgement.
• 2:03
  You start to doubt yourself. It's like, how did I misread
• 2:05
  this so badly? What did I miss?
• 2:08
  But here's the thing, someone can be really interested in you
• 2:14
  and still pull away. And often this happens with
• 2:18
  someone who has an avoidant attachment style.
• 2:22
  So it's not because you were too much or because you did
• 2:26
  something wrong. And often, actually, it's
• 2:29
  because you did everything right and the connection moved from
• 2:32
  fun to real. And for some people, that is
• 2:36
  scary. So all of a sudden they pull
• 2:40
  away and they're stuck in silence.
• 2:43
  Why? Because of something called the
• 2:46
  open loop. And what's really happening in a
• 2:51
  lot of these situations isn't just one emotion, it's a loop.
• 2:56
  And once someone gets caught in it, they either stay silent or
• 3:00
  they send crumbs that lead nowhere.
• 3:03
  And that's what I call the silence loop.
• 3:06
  And before I explain it, I want to let you know that if you're
• 3:08
  in this situation or something similar and you're trying to get
• 3:12
  your ex back, I do offer private coaching and you can get the
• 3:17
  rates by going to theartoflove.net/coaching.
• 3:21
  We will send you the rates. Actually, they're not on the
• 3:23
  website. And the link to that is
• 3:25
  underneath every single video and podcast.
• 3:28
  And I can help you figure out what the heck is going on.
• 3:31
  OK, so the first emotion is shame, and shame is I handled
• 3:41
  this badly. They know they didn't
• 3:43
  communicate, they know they left you confused.
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  They know they took the easy way out.
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  And the longer that they stay silent, the more that shame
• 3:53
  grows because now it feels like it's harder to come back and to
• 3:57
  face the music, so to speak. The second emotion is pride.
• 4:03
  And pride is, well, I'm not going to admit it.
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  So Pride hates accountability and unfortunately for the most
• 4:10
  part, avoidance do hate accountability.
• 4:13
  So Pride doesn't want to say I'm sorry or I got overwhelmed or I
• 4:19
  didn't know how to handle it. Pride would rather protect the
• 4:23
  ego than fix the situation. Because the ego's slogan is
• 4:28
  always seek but do not find. It always sees everyone as
• 4:33
  separate from you and it tries to keep you separate from
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  everyone. It's not your friend.
• 4:39
  The third emotion is fear of rejection.
• 4:42
  And fear says, well, what if they reject me now?
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  Because reaching out after pulling away is obviously risky.
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  So now it's not just a casual text.
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  It's a text that could be met with anger or silence or
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  embarrassment or consequences. And people will do more to avoid
• 5:02
  pain than to gain pleasure. And so they imagine, well, what
• 5:07
  if they ignore me? What if they're done with me?
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  What if I look stupid? And so fear keeps them frozen.
• 5:13
  And then finally, the 4th emotion is guilt.
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  Now guilt is different than shame.
• 5:19
  Guilt is I did something wrong, shame is I am wrong.
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  And guilt can make someone want to reach out, but it doesn't
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  necessarily make them ready to repair things.
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  And guilt often creates a specific type of contact, just
• 5:37
  called guilt relief contact. And that's when someone reaches
• 5:42
  out, not because they're ready to treat you properly, but
• 5:45
  because they want to reduce the discomfort inside of themselves.
• 5:49
  And that's where you get these classic bread crumbs like, hey,
• 5:54
  hope you're doing OK just checking in or random likes late
• 6:00
  night thinking of you. Have you been?
• 6:03
  So it's not always about you. Sometimes it's about their
• 6:07
  conscience. And by the way, if you are in no
• 6:10
  contact and you want some help to make sure you stay in no
• 6:13
  contact, be sure to check out my apps Silencio.
• 6:18
  And it is available in the both at the App Store and Google
• 6:22
  Play. And we have a thriving
• 6:24
  community. I'm shocked at how fast it's
• 6:26
  grown and everyone is so helpful.
• 6:29
  People post their situation and sometimes there's 20 responses.
• 6:32
  I'm like what? Yeah.
• 6:34
  And I also have a book, yes titled No Contact Secrets,
• 6:39
  available of course at nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 6:42
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
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  OK, so more about the silence loop and how it works.
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  So shame says I messed up. Pride then says well don't admit
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  it. Fear says you're going to get
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  rejected and gilt says but I feel bad so do something small.
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  So they either stay silent or they breadcrumb.
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  Either way you don't get healthy repair and that's the loop.
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  Now even if their silence is driven by shame, pride, fear,
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  and or guilt, it still means that they aren't showing up in a
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  healthy way because healthy people can tolerate discomfort.
• 7:24
  Healthy people can communicate, they can repair.
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  So yes, the silence loop explains a lot, but it doesn't
• 7:31
  mean you chase someone who pulled away.
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  And this is where most people accidentally make it worse when
• 7:38
  someone pulls away. The instinct, especially if you
• 7:41
  have an anxious attachment style is to chase.
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  And so you want to send that long paragraph the well, I just
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  want honesty message the what happened text the we're adults.
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  Let's communicate speech. But chasing creates pressure and
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  pressure makes someone in the silence loop shut down harder.
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  So here's the better approach. Stop reaching out if they pulled
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  away, stop reaching out not as a game, but because that's your
• 8:16
  standard. Do not send a closure text
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  because that is actually chasing and closure texts usually do not
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  get you closure. That's the irony.
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  They get you silence, vague explanations, or a weak response
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  that keeps you stuck. And if you have to send a
• 8:36
  message, if you just absolutely have to, OK, fine.
• 8:40
  Make it simple and make it final.
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  So if it's been a reasonable amount of time, and I mean at
• 8:47
  least a month, OK, I'm not talking two days or two weeks
• 8:52
  and you want to put a pin in it, you can say, hey, I enjoyed
• 8:57
  getting to know you. I wish you the best.
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  That's it. No interrogations, no emotional
• 9:04
  dumping. And this may get them to make a
• 9:07
  move, but it's not guaranteed. And then finally, let time and
• 9:13
  space reveal the truth because space does two things.
• 9:16
  It removes pressure and it reveals their real level of
• 9:20
  interest and maturity. So if they come forward with
• 9:24
  accountability and consistency, great.
• 9:27
  If they don't, it's up to you how long you wait before moving
• 9:31
  on. But regardless of the reason why
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  they haven't reached out, your move is the same.
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  You don't try to close the distance, you don't reward low
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  effort, and you respond to intention, not bread crumbs.
• 9:45
  Because someone's real level of interest isn't revealed when
• 9:49
  everything is easy. It's revealed after they pull
• 9:53
  away when there's space and they either step up or step out.
• 10:00
  So now I want to hear from you. How long have you been in No
• 10:03
  Contact and how is it going? And be sure to subscribe so you
• 10:06
  don't miss out on any future videos or podcasts.
• 10:10
  And in the meantime, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts
• 10:14
  and enlightens.