Latest / Confident and Empowered Women / You’re Tired of Pretending It Doesn’t Bother You | EP 332

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You’re Tired of Pretending It Doesn’t Bother You | EP 332 · Confident and Empowered Women

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Sometimes there's no option where everybody gets to remain comfortable.
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Sometimes you reach a crossroad where the question is, are you gonna keep yourself uncomfortable so they can stay comfortable, or are you finally going to choose you?
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Because every time you pretend it doesn't bother you, the discomfort doesn't disappear.
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It just changes the address.
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They don't have to feel it because you have agreed to carry all of it You've been pretending it doesn't bother you.
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But friend, we are addressing that today Ooh, and before we go, if you like a little laughter with your life-changing conversations, make sure you're following the show.
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This is where you can tell the truth, take a breath, and come back to yourself without anybody handing you another list of 12 things you need to fix by Friday.
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Because you are not a project.
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You are a whole woman living a whole life, and sometimes you just need somebody to say, "Girl, I get it.
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Now let's talk about it."
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So follow the show because we have so much to talk about Hey friend, welcome back.
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You already know around here we talk about real life, what it teaches us, and how to stay connected to ourselves through all of it.
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Today, we are gonna have one of those conversations because you already know the conversation where I love you enough to look you directly in the eye and say, "Girl, that bothers you.
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I know you said it doesn't," and then I know you just gonna hit me with the casual shoulder shrug and say, "It is what it is."
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But then you told your friend you were over it.
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You may have even thrown in the, "I don't care anymore," just for a little razzle dazzle.
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But you replayed that conversation for three days.
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You thought of at least 14 better responses since it happened, and you have mentally called a meeting, prepared a PowerPoint presentation, invited witnesses, and submitted supporting documentation.
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Ma'am, oh, you care.
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And there's nothing wrong with that.
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At some point, being unbothered became this performance women Thought they had to give.
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Somebody disappoints you.
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You say, "I'm good."
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They dismiss what you need.
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You say, "No big deal."
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They leave you out, take you for granted, cross a boundary, speak to you like they have temporarily misplaced their natural mind, and you respond with, "Don't worry, it's fine."
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And the award for best performance in an emotionally draining situation goes to, yes friend, that would be you.
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Now you're walking away in slow motion like Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale, except you didn't set the car on fire because you are a responsible adult with insurance premiums.
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but in your mind, the flames are flaming and listen, I understand the appeal of looking unbothered because you wanna feel powerful You don't want them to know they got you, got you.
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You don't wanna be called sensitive, difficult, needy, emotional, or even dramatic.
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You wanna be the Olivia Pope in the white coat, composed, handled, and walking away with the last word.
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But sometimes you're not unbothered.
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Sometimes you are hurt, disappointed, angry, Or you're just plain tired of accepting something that doesn't feel good and pretending it cost you nothing when it's really costing you something One of my clients felt deeply neglected in her relationship.
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She did not feel seen, emotionally cared for.
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She didn't feel like what mattered to her mattered to him.
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And whenever she tried to bring it up, whatever she was feeling, the conversation left her questioning whether she should've even said something at all in the first place.
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Every time she talked about what was happening She also gave me the rundown and full explanation.
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He didn't grow up in an affectionate family.
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He was never taught how to communicate.
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He had a difficult upbringing.
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Nobody modeled a healthy relationship for him.
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He wasn't good at expressing his emotions.
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She understood why he behaved the way that he did so well that she had practically earned a PhD in him.
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She could explain his childhood, his reactions, his silence, his distance, and why asking him for more might make him uncomfortable But when it came to her own feelings, she kept pushing them down.
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She kept telling herself she needed to be more patient, more understanding, less demanding.
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She had all the compassion in the world for why he was neglecting her and very little compassion for the part of herself being neglected.
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And let me be clear, understanding someone's upbringing can create compassion.
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It can help you see the whole person.
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It can even explain why certain things are hard for them, and it does not excuse them from being responsible for their actions.
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Your past may explain your behavior.
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It does not give you unlimited permission to keep hurting people in the present.
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At some point, you become responsible for what you do with what happened to you.
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That responsibility does not disappear because someone loves you enough to keep making excuses.
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Okay?
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Okay.
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Because listen, the more she protected him from discomfort, the more discomfort she had to absorb.
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That uncomfortable feeling has to go somewhere.
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Meanwhile, he didn't have to face how his actions affected her because she kept softening the truth before it ever reached him.
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She edited her own feelings.
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She watered down her needs.
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She waited for the right time to say something, and somehow the right time was always rescheduled.
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She kept handing herself another explanation for why she should be okay with something that was making her deeply unhappy.
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And whole time, he remained comfortable.
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She was becoming more disconnected from herself.
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That is what pretending does.
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It doesn't create space.
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It creates the appearance of peace while one person quietly pays the entire bill.
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And friend, that check has been sitting on your side of the table for way too long.
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You may think that you're avoiding discomfort by staying quiet, but discomfort has not been avoided.
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You are uncomfortable.
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You're hurt Overthinking, swallowing your words.
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You're lying in bed replaying conversations.
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And high key, you're becoming resentful.
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You're tiptoeing around the truth because you don't want them to feel bad, which only leaves you feeling bad.
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Listen, somebody is already uncomfortable and it's you.
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And that's the part that gets lost in translation.
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Sometimes comfort is not a win-win.
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Not everybody is gonna get a trophy or an A for participation.
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Sometimes there's no magical version of the conversation where you speak your truth, they immediately understand, the violins are playing, and everybody walks away hand in hand feeling wonderful.
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Sometimes you reach a crossroad where the real question is, will you keep yourself uncomfortable so they can stay comfortable?
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Or are you willing to let them experience the discomfort that comes with hearing the truth, the discomfort that comes with their actions Because while you're so busy trying to protect them and save them, you don't even realize you've
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become the sacrificial lamb.
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That moment is bigger than one conversation.
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That is the moment you decide whether you will choose yourself or keep choosing them at your expense.
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Listen, that client thought that she was keeping the peace, but she herself was not at peace.
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She was keeping him from having to confront the problem.
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There's a difference.
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Silence may have kept the relationship from having a difficult conversation, but it did not make her feel loved.
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Making excuses may have kept him from feeling responsible.
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But it didn't make her feel any less neglected.
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Pretending it didn't bother her may have kept things comfortable on the surface, but underneath that surface, she was disappearing One unspoken need at a time, one swallowed feeling at a time, one it's okay that was not really okay
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at the time.
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And listen, nobody disappears in a day.
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It's a slow drift, and one day you look up and realize you've become fluent in everybody else's feelings and disconnected from your own.
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Because friend, some things are supposed to bother you Now, not everything that bothers you will require you to throw away relationships.
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But some things are supposed to bother you.
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Being repeatedly disrespected should bother you.
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Always showing up for someone who never shows up for you should bother you.
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Having your needs dismissed should bother you.
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Feeling neglected in a relationship that is supposed to be a place of love should bother you.
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Realizing you've spent so many years making everybody else comfortable while becoming increasingly uncomfortable in your own life should bother you.
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That feeling is not necessarily proof that something is wrong with you.
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It may be proof that something is not working for you.
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But instead of listening to what you feel, You end up putting yourself on trial.
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Maybe I'm overreacting.
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They probably didn't mean it anyway.
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I should be grateful.
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It could be worse.
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Maybe I'm asking too much.
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Now friend, how did they do the thing, but somehow you're the one being cross-examined?
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Make that make sense.
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And then there are those instances where you dismiss what bothers you because somebody else has it worse.
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And yes, somebody somewhere may be dealing with something harder.
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That does not mean what happened to you meant nothing.
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Pain is not on American Idol.
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You do not need three yeses and a golden ticket before you're allowed to feel it.
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There's no panel of judges holding up scorecards.
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"Well, the disappointment you felt was only a 6.5.
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Unfortunately, you have not qualified to be hurt."
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Girl, please.
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it bothered you.
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Start there.
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You don't have to win at the trauma Olympics.
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You don't have to turn it into the worst thing that's ever happened to you.
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You don't have to unpack your bags and live there.
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You don't even need Mary J.
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Blige playing in the background while you stare out a rainy window for six consecutive months.
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And listen, although Mary has carried many of us through and we thank her for her service, you can simply say, "That hurt me.
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I didn't like that.
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That made me feel unimportant.
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I expected more.
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I'm disappointed.
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I'm not okay with what happened."
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That is not a breakdown.
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That is the truth, and yours deserves to be heard.
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Every time you say it's fine when it isn't, you create comfort for them by becoming less honest with yourself.
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You save them from feeling guilty, from having to explain themselves, or from the inconvenience of changing their behavior.
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You save them from having to see the impact of their actions.
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But I have to ask you, who is saving you?
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You're the one carrying your pain and protecting them from knowing that they caused it.
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you're doing the emotional labor on both sides.
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You're hurting, translating their behavior, defending their intentions, lowering your expectations, and then convincing yourself that wanting more is the actual problem Friend, that's an entire payroll and you are working every position, and it's too expensive.
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And when you do that long enough, you start resenting them for a truth you never fully allowed yourself to speak.
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You start getting irritated over the little things because the big thing has been sitting in the corner doing warm-up stretches, waiting for somewhere to go Somebody asks if you want tacos and suddenly you blow up like, "Does everything
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have to be my decision?"
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Friend: "Whoa.
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Hold on.
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They're just asking about dinner."
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But it was never about the tacos, even though they caught a stray.
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The whole time it was about feeling like you are carrying an entire relationship by yourself.
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It was always about being expected to understand while rarely feeling understood it was about constantly considering their feelings while yours are treated like an optional add-on.
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Pretending doesn't make the feeling disappear.
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It just makes it come out sideways And friend, I have to say this to you with the most kindness and real way possible.
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This is one of those straight up no chaser kinda moments, so imagine me holding you by the shoulders and saying, "Stop gaslighting yourself."
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And there are enough people in the world willing to misunderstand your experience.
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You cannot join them.
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So stop talking yourself out of what you felt.
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Stop rewriting the story to make everybody else more comfortable.
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Stop acting like your needs are unreasonable simply because somebody doesn't want to meet them.
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Stop telling yourself, "Maybe I'm asking too much," when you've been starving And surviving on emotional breadcrumbs and calling it a meal.
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Friend, that is not dinner.
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That is a sample at Costco at best, okay?
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It might hold you over for a few aisles, but eventually you're gonna need something substantial.
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You know when something doesn't sit right with you.
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You know when you're forcing yourself to accept less than what feels good and true for you.
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You know when you're saying it's okay, but you're afraid telling the truth will change something, and maybe something needs to change.
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Not necessarily today, okay?
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Your life does not need to detonate by 5:00 PM.
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And this by no means translate to quit your job, block 17 people, change your phone number, cut your hair, and move to Bali before dinner, okay?
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Unless that's what you wanna do.
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Because low-key, it doesn't really sound like the worst option in the world, you know?
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So before you go moving out of the country and going under a new alias, take a breath.
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Sometimes the first move isn't changing everything.
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Sometimes it's finally saying, "This bothers me.
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I'm not happy.
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I don't want this anymore.
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I need something to be different.
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I'm no longer willing to pretend this is enough."
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You do not have to have the entire plan to tell the truth about where you are.
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The first change for this client was not deciding the entire future of her relationship.
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It wasn't making one giant dramatic decision.
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The first choice was to stop arguing against herself, to stop automatically taking his side against her own feelings, to stop using his upbringing as evidence that she should expect less, but instead to acknowledge, "I understand why this may
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be difficult for him, and I am still being hurt by it."
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Those two truths can exist in the same room.
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You can understand someone and still require them to take responsibility.
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You can have compassion for their past and still care about your present.
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You can love them and refuse to keep disappearing so they can remain comfortable.
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Understanding is not the same thing as volunteering.
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You might understand their wounds, their childhood, their fears, their attachment style, shoot, their Enneagram number, and whatever Mercury was doing at the time.
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That still does not mean you have to keep volunteering to be hurt, okay?
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Compassion for them cannot keep requiring the abandonment of you because eventually you reach the crossroad, and no, I'm not talking about the Bone Thugs-N-Harmony kind.
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It's not necessarily the crossroad of whether you stay or leave.
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The first crossroad comes before that.
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It's the moment you decide whether you'll continue to betray what you feel to protect somebody else from feeling uncomfortable.
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Will you keep lowering your voice so they never have to hear the truth?
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Will you keep shrinking your needs so they never have to stretch?
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Will you keep pretending you're okay so they never have to confront the ways they have not shown up?
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Will you keep choosing their comfort, or will you finally choose you?
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And choosing yourself doesn't mean you stop loving them.
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It means loving them no longer requires you to stop loving yourself It means you allow them the dignity of being responsible for their own response.
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If the truth makes them uncomfortable, they are allowed to feel uncomfortable.
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You do not have to rush in and rescue them from the consequences of hearing how their actions affected you.
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That discomfort may be the very thing that finally gives the relationship a chance to become honest.
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And if honesty threatens the relationship, silence was never gonna make it safe.
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It was only making it tolerable at best Friend, you don't need to look unbothered.
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You need to be free.
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The goal is not to become a woman who never feels anything.
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That's not peace.
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That's emotional Novocaine.
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The goal is to become a woman who knows she will not leave herself alone inside what she feels.
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You won't rush to their side when you should be standing up for you.
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A woman who can say, "Yes, that hurt me, and I'm going to take care of myself here.
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Yes, I'm disappointed, and I don't have to pretend I'm not.
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Yes, I understand why this is difficult for you, and you are still responsible for how you treat me."
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Yes, this conversation may make us both uncomfortable, but your comfort cannot keep costing me my connection to myself.
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Friend, you don't have to post a mysterious quote on Facebook.
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You don't even have to give a TED Talk to the person who hurt you.
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You don't have to prove a point to 12 friends and a group chat, but you do have to stop lying to yourself because you cannot create peace by silencing the part of you asking to be heard.
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Peace is not everybody else being comfortable while you quietly fall apart.
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Peace is knowing that you will no longer sacrifice yourself to keep the room calm But friend, if this conversation is making you realize how often you override what you know to keep everybody else comfortable, the Main Character Momentum
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Builder will help you start choosing yourself in real time.
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It gives you seven days of small shifts that help you stop waiting for the perfect moment and begin moving like the woman who trusts herself now, not someday or after everybody understands, and certainly not when the committee meets,
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reviews the evidence, and reaches a unanimous decision.
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Nope.
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I'm talking right now.
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You can find The Main Character Momentum Builder through the link in the show notes, because you deserve to have your own back, and that starts today And now it's time for our self-love two-step with the remix.
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This is where you bring the conversation out of your headphones and into your real life.
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Step one, tell the unfiltered truth.
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Finish this sentence.
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If I stop protecting everybody else's comfort, I would admit...
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And then don't clean it up.
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Don't make it sound mature or healed or even inspirational.
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Tell the truth before your inner publicist arrives to spin the story.
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Maybe it's, "I feel neglected.
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I'm tired of always being the one who understands I don't like the way I feel in this relationship.
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I'm angry that I keep getting overlooked.
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I've worked hard for this life and I still want something else.
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Let it be true without immediately explaining why the other person behaves the way that they do Step two, choose who gets the comfort.
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Ask yourself, "Am I asking myself to remain uncomfortable so someone else doesn't have to be?
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And then ask, what would choosing myself look like here?
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Maybe it's telling the truth without watering it down, setting a boundary, or allowing someone to feel disappointed.
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It may even mean you no longer explaining away behavior that continues to hurt you.
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Maybe it's finally expecting another adult to take responsibility for their actions.
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You don't have to make the biggest move today.
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make the most honest one.
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That's the remix And then the you step.
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You get still, you get quiet, and you ask yourself, "What's the next aligned step For me.
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This is where you really honor yourself here because mind you, nowhere in this episode have I told you to start wilding out, hooting and hollering just to get your point across.
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You don't have to be disrespectful in order to be heard or get your point across.
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You can be direct and still kind.
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You can be firm and still mean business, all while treating them with the same respect that you both deserve.
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This is an opportunity to include yourself as a priority in the comfort conversation.
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Yours no longer has to be excluded in exchange for someone else to have comfort.
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It's no longer a price you're willing to pay, because truth be told, pretending is only gonna last but for so long before it turns its back on you and consumes you.
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Pretending doesn't help anyone.
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Not you, not who you're in a relationship with or your relationship.
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You can be in the exact same relationship and have two totally different experiences.
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Somebody might be getting the Disney World experience.
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They are in the happiest place on Earth, and somebody else is slumming it through the pits of H-E-double hockey sticks.
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It creates false pretenses that slowly erode the fabric of what you really want to feel and experience in your relationship.
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Trust, honesty, respect, genuine love, all the things you both have as a common goal to continue growing together.
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These are the disconnects that create gaps that make it harder to build a bridge, and it happens the same in your relationship with yourself.
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So use this self-love two-step remix to honor your relationship with yourself and others because that's how it flows.
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You deserve healthy relationship, yours with you included Now friend, let me pour into you right quick You've spent enough time protecting everybody else from discomfort while carrying all of it yourself.
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You have swallowed enough.
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You have overlooked enough.
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You have said it's fine and didn't mean it long enough, okay?
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You are allowed to understand someone else's story without making it your lifelong responsibility to absorb the consequences of it.
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You are allowed to love people and expect them to take accountability.
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We all have to take accountability and responsibility for ourselves.
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You are allowed to speak the truth Even when it changes the temperature in the room.
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You are allowed to give space for someone else to be uncomfortable.
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Their discomfort does not automatically mean you've done something wrong.
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Sometimes their discomfort simply means you stop doing all the emotional heavy lifting.
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Sometimes it means you place the responsibility back into the hands where it belonged.
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Sometimes it means you finally said out loud what your silence has been hiding.
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And sometimes it means you simply choose you.
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You don't have to become hard in order to protect your heart.
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You don't even have to stop caring to be more powerful.
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You don't have to pretend you feel nothing to prove that you've healed.
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You do have to decide that your peace matters.
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Your feelings and comforts matter too.
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You matter too.
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So the next time you find yourself saying, "It doesn't bother me," pause and ask yourself, Whether that's the truth or you are about to abandon yourself to keep someone else comfortable, because every time you reach that crossroad, you
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have a choice.
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You can keep choosing them at your expense, or you can come back to yourself and say, "I understand you.
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I love you.
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I may even have compassion for why you are the way that you are, or why you're behaving the way you are, and I will not keep sacrificing myself to protect you from the responsibility of how you treat me."
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This is one of those yes and moments.
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Friend, let it bother you.
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The fact that you're bothered, that's a signal that something hurt you, tap danced on a nerve, crossed a line or a boundary.
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They did something you didn't like, and you do not want to experience it again.
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Let it Allow it.
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Let it tell you the truth.
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And this time, when the choice is their comfort or your connection to yourself, you choose you.
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That's self-love and self-trust in action.
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That's how you look after the person who needs you the most, and that's you Friend, look at you doing your work and everything.
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Go ahead, tilt that crown, shoulders back, beautiful posture, nice and tall.
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Take a deep breath in and let it out.
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Really go long on that exhale.
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Now take the next step knowing you've got you, and I'll meet you back here in the next episode.
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Until next time, friend, keep coming back to you