Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 128. Support They Can Actually Feel.. How to Truly Hold Space for Someone You Love

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128. Support They Can Actually Feel.. How to Truly Hold Space for Someone You Love · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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Speaker 1: Appolgie production a easier advice. Are you okay? What happened?
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Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in.
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Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment.
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Speaker 1: This is the place for you. Hello, everybody, Welcome back
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Speaker 1: to she Rises. Another best advice, and this one the
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Speaker 1: woman has written in a very short paragraph. But there's
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Speaker 1: a lot we've got to say about it, absolutely, and
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Speaker 1: we feel this is a topic that everyone can benefit from,
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Speaker 1: we can all improve on, and we love talking about
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Speaker 1: it because communication is very important to us. It is alrighty.
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Speaker 1: So today's anonymous submission says, how to hold space better
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Speaker 1: for a partner or friendship or family member. How can
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Speaker 1: I support someone but actually make sure they feel supported?
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Speaker 1: Take it away t This is a big question.
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Speaker 2: It is the first thing that comes to mind is
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Speaker 2: just get better at listening, you know, just and sometimes
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Speaker 2: it's really easy to interject in conversations or want to
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Speaker 2: put your two cents all that sort of a bad
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Speaker 2: conversation about this day. But I remember I used to
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Speaker 2: do that all the time. I used to interject all
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Speaker 2: the time and put my opinion, and sometimes people just
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Speaker 2: want you to listen to them. And so holding space
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Speaker 2: really is about holding back, letting them get everything out
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Speaker 2: that they want to say, and then coming in with
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Speaker 2: like your advice or support or checking in and seeing
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Speaker 2: what they're needing. So that's the first thing that I
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Speaker 2: would say is just try and get better at listening,
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Speaker 2: and you'll find that, you know that person will feel
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Speaker 2: so heard by you because you're actually sitting, you're holding space.
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Speaker 2: You're not listening to respond, you're listening to listen. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: The first thing that comes to me too is actually
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Speaker 1: asking them what they need from you in that moment. Yes,
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Speaker 1: do you want support? Do you want advice? Are you
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Speaker 1: needing to vent? Let me know how I can support you.
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Speaker 1: And it not only gives you clarity on how you
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Speaker 1: can support them, but it makes them feel comfortable. It
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Speaker 1: helps them get clear on what they actually need in
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Speaker 1: that moment. Because even last night I went, for example,
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Speaker 1: I went to Steve for some something related to a
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Speaker 1: project that we're doing, and he straight over into fixing
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Speaker 1: mode and I said, Babe, I'm going to interrupt you here.
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Speaker 1: I don't need solutions. We've got it, we've figured it out.
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Speaker 1: I just needed you to hold the space and just
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Speaker 1: be there for me. He's like, oh shit, sorry, I
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Speaker 1: just deal with this at work all the time. With Hideaway,
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Speaker 1: I just came up with solutions straight away. But I
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Speaker 1: needed to get better at telling him. I should have
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Speaker 1: said at the start, Hey, I just needs you to
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Speaker 1: hold space to me right now and just listen. I
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Speaker 1: don't need a solution. So it's like both getting better
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Speaker 1: at communicating what you need in that moment. Yeah. Soon.
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Speaker 1: If someone does that, it's like, oh, I can listen.
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Speaker 2: Yeah they want my advice, because then it prevents you
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Speaker 2: from getting upset as well from being like, oh, well
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Speaker 2: they didn't hold me in the way that I needed
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Speaker 2: them to. It's like, did you communicate that. It's like
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Speaker 2: practicing doing that is a really good one.
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Speaker 1: I think energetically to your body language is really important.
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Speaker 1: A lot of eye contact, arms down, not arms folded,
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Speaker 1: relaxed shoulders because it allows them to breathe and just
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Speaker 1: be in the moment with you as well.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, like you actually engage your listening on your phone.
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Speaker 2: You're not texting while they're talking to you.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's going distracted.
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Speaker 2: Hold on, let me just answer this call real quick. Yeah,
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Speaker 2: read the room and make sure that if it's a
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Speaker 2: big topic for that person and it's scary and it's vulnerable.
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Speaker 2: You're giving them your under attention.
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Speaker 1: And pausing I think is really important. This is something
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Speaker 1: I've learn from Megsie actually in a workshop too. But
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Speaker 1: when you're holding space for a woman or for whoever,
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Speaker 1: energetically having your palms open and allowing the pause after
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Speaker 1: they've spoken, because sometimes more can come up and you
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Speaker 1: just allow that space. There is no rush to respond
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Speaker 1: or to jump in, but just allowing a bit of pause.
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Speaker 1: And sometimes that pause also allows emotions to come up,
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Speaker 1: so if then they need to further cry, you can
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Speaker 1: hold more space and give them more time. Because most people,
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Speaker 1: they don't have a lot of people in their circle
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Speaker 1: that are holding space for them and really holding space.
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Speaker 1: I bet we could name five people in our immediate
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Speaker 1: close circle that just want to jump in, give advice, fix,
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Speaker 1: help take your pain away. There's not a lot of
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Speaker 1: people I know that can really hold space. Well, is
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Speaker 1: it really is about slowing down and just being with them?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it is, And you'll get better at it for
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Speaker 2: other people, and then you'll know what you want from
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Speaker 2: other people as well.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, do you know what I mean?
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Speaker 2: You can start to do that for other people and
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Speaker 2: they will get an idea of what that might look like,
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Speaker 2: and then they might start mirroring you in that behavior too,
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Speaker 2: and then you can ask them, hey, like can you
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Speaker 2: hold space for me now?
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Speaker 1: So it's just trial and error. Really, it's practice.
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Speaker 2: It's practice doing it, practice holding back your opinions and
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Speaker 2: letting people share what it is they want to share.
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Speaker 2: Like what you said pausing, that's a really good tip.
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Speaker 2: But yeah, I think that's wait.
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Speaker 1: A moment the other day too, even you came to
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Speaker 1: me about something that was happening. We're not going to
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Speaker 1: detail what it was because it doesn't matter for this
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Speaker 1: particular subject. I'll probably tell you about it later coming out. No,
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Speaker 1: but when Tiana was telling me, I'm very protective of Tiana.
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Speaker 1: So when she tells me something's going on and someone
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Speaker 1: has maybe done something or said something, or she's in
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Speaker 1: a pickle, I do go into my rescuer archetype and
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Speaker 1: my fixer and I just want to protect her and
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Speaker 1: make sure she's safe. And she's like hey, And afterwards,
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Speaker 1: when we left that conversation, I called her and I
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Speaker 1: was like, fuck, I'm so sorry. I think I just
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Speaker 1: like talked your eart off and injected my opinion, my
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Speaker 1: thoughts when you didn't actually ask for that, And straight
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Speaker 1: away Tianna said, well, I can get better at telling
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Speaker 1: you what I need so I can say, hey, I
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Speaker 1: want you to listen, or hey I want advice. What
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Speaker 1: do you think? So it's both of us been like, oh, okay,
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Speaker 1: we can see how, oh we could do that better
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Speaker 1: for sure, I said, I really want to get better
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Speaker 1: at just listening. And I know it's a fault of mine,
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Speaker 1: and I know a lot of people in the past
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Speaker 1: have found that too much. We're true sagittarian and we
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Speaker 1: have no filter and we will tell you how it is.
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Speaker 1: We don't sugarcoat things. But that's not necessarily a good thing.
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Speaker 2: But you know what in saying that, like when we
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Speaker 2: had that conversation, you brought that to me. I didn't
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Speaker 2: feel like you interjected, you know what I mean. I
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Speaker 2: didn't feel like what you were sharing with me wasn't
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Speaker 2: what I wanted to hear. Like for me in that moment,
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Speaker 2: I felt open to what it was that you were
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Speaker 2: sharing with me, and like for me, it felt like
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Speaker 2: we were just having a conversation, going back and forth. Yeah,
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Speaker 2: you know, but because you were mindful of that behavior
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Speaker 2: like oh, I want to do better at this. But
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Speaker 2: on the receiving end, it wasn't like I was coming
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Speaker 2: to you being like, hey, I just want event, I
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Speaker 2: just need you to listen, and then I got disappointed
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Speaker 2: by it, yeahing like that. It was just like a
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Speaker 2: conversation that we got to have together.
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Speaker 1: It's probably because we have a lot of safety in
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Speaker 1: our relationship that we know whatever we say comes from
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Speaker 1: a good place. But in previous friendships, I know that's
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Speaker 1: been too much. It's been too big, it's been too honest,
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Speaker 1: it's being too bold where they probably just wanted me
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Speaker 1: to listen and they didn't know how to communicate that,
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Speaker 1: and I didn't know how to hold the space. So
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Speaker 1: it's just learning to get better at that and communicating,
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Speaker 1: and it's all comes down to really good communication, doesn't it.
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Speaker 1: And also if you don't have the capacity to hold someone,
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Speaker 1: I think it's really important to communicate that as well.
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Speaker 1: So if someone comes to you and was like, oh
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Speaker 1: my gosh, you gonna tell you what happened, and you're
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Speaker 1: already dysregulated, you're not going to be able to hold
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Speaker 1: the space in a way that you would want you
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Speaker 1: in a way that they need, so you can get
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Speaker 1: and communicate and say, hey, I so want to hear
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Speaker 1: this and I'm here for you. Could we do this
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Speaker 1: this afterenoon. I've got a gap from three to four,
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Speaker 1: but I just need to be with the kids and
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Speaker 1: do this whatever it is. You're also allowed to communicate
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Speaker 1: whether you have the capacity, because if you don't and
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Speaker 1: you're already stretched, it might stretch that a little bit
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Speaker 1: further to the point that you break, and then you're
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Speaker 1: not coping with your own emotions.
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Speaker 2: And you know what This happened with my sister and
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Speaker 2: I when I was in Bali and I got triggered
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Speaker 2: about something and it wasn't even a big thing, but
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Speaker 2: it just for some reason, it just tipped me over
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Speaker 2: the edge and I was like, oh, okay, I can
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Speaker 2: really notice the disregulation in my chest. And then my
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Speaker 2: sister brought something into me that was super exciting, but
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Speaker 2: as you know, excitement is still dysregulated energy. And then
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Speaker 2: there was a positive thing and then a negative thing.
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Speaker 2: I wasn't ready to hold it and support her in
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Speaker 2: the way that I know I could, and so what
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Speaker 2: actually happened was I leant out from her, I held
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Speaker 2: her in the moment when she needed me because she
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Speaker 2: had something come up for her. And then over the
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Speaker 2: next two days I was like, oh, I can really
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Speaker 2: feel myself leaning out from her because I felt disregulated
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Speaker 2: from not being able to hold her correctly. And then
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Speaker 2: so I went to her and I said, hey, like,
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Speaker 2: this is how I'm feeling, this is what's come up
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Speaker 2: for me, you know, do you think maybe next time,
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Speaker 2: which we do for the most part, we always say
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Speaker 2: to each other, hey, do you have the capacity? You know?
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Speaker 2: But then I just like reinserted that the beautiful boundary
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Speaker 2: of like, hey, can we collaborate together and build this
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Speaker 2: relationship better, of like making sure we are communicating, hey
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Speaker 2: do you have the capacity? First?
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Speaker 1: The good question to ask, isn't it It's respect too.
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Speaker 1: It's not just assuming that they can hold everything. And
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Speaker 1: if they don't have the space, they would feel like
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Speaker 1: you're just dumping on them and they've already got so
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Speaker 1: much on and.
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Speaker 2: Then they start to drown. Yeah, you start to drown
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Speaker 2: because it feels so heavy. And for the most part,
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Speaker 2: if you ask someone's nine times out of ten say
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Speaker 2: of course I have the capacity for you come in.
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Speaker 2: It's always to you, you know. But sometimes that mission
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Speaker 2: slip is just like it goes a really long way.
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Speaker 1: I think another thing that I really like too, is
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Speaker 1: just validation. Even if I don't agree with what that
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Speaker 1: person's doing, I'll say things like wow, I can really
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Speaker 1: see and feel how hard this would be for you.
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Speaker 1: It's just validating where they're at, how they're feeling, because
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Speaker 1: that immediately drops their guard down. They don't feel judged
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Speaker 1: by you. It's like, oh, true, they understand. Okay, I'm
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Speaker 1: not here alone. I'm not a crazy psycho. I'm not
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Speaker 1: this big bad wolf that I'm making myself out to
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Speaker 1: be or someone else is making me out to be.
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Speaker 1: It's like, oh, they see me. Yeah, I can take
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Speaker 1: a breath and I can work through this with her.
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Speaker 1: I'll work through this in my own. Yeah, you're so right.
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Speaker 1: Validation is really important. It's like almost like allows more vulnerable.
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Speaker 2: It does like heyl, if I was in your position,
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Speaker 2: I would feel the same way, or I would be
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Speaker 2: acting the same way or doing the same thing you do. It.
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Speaker 1: Children, it's like when they fall over and hurt themselves
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Speaker 1: and their world is crumbling, It's like that must have
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Speaker 1: hurt so much. Your knee looks so sore. Did that
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Speaker 1: really hurt off? Mommy would be upset too, just validating that.
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Speaker 1: That's so true, you know, because they can get embarrassed
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Speaker 1: or feel shame or get awkward. But it's just validing
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Speaker 1: their feelings.
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Speaker 2: But we need to do that for adults as well,
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Speaker 2: and then it like dissolves all that secondary emotion and
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Speaker 2: shame that as a result of whatever it is that
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Speaker 2: they're doing or experiencing.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's a big thing for me, is validation.
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Speaker 2: I realized how you do that?
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Speaker 1: M I love that. Yeah, it's important. It feels nice.
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Speaker 1: I still have someone there with you that's not judging you.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, And its sometimes when you don't need advice, so
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Speaker 2: you don't need an opinion. It's just like that validation
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Speaker 2: alone be enough to dissolve whatever's come up for you.
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Speaker 1: Because imagine the difference of someone being like, oh my god,
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Speaker 1: that's fucked up, I can't believe that happened, yes, compared
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Speaker 1: to to wow, that much too really heavy for you.
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Speaker 1: I feel like I would be feeling like you would too.
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Speaker 1: That's hard, babe, Like, so here for you on that.
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Speaker 2: And we relate this to relationships. Sometimes we want from
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Speaker 2: our partner is validation.
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Speaker 1: Yes, I just want you to hear me.
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Speaker 2: I just want you to hear and see what I'm
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Speaker 2: feeling and make sure that I feel okay in this.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I just need you to hear me. Yes, even Steve.
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Speaker 1: For the other day, we're bringing out something and we've
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Speaker 1: come into a massive rope block that we're quite disappointed in,
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Speaker 1: but we know it to work out to be a
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Speaker 1: better And when I told Steve, it was almost like, oh, yeah,
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Speaker 1: it seemed like it wasn't that interested. He said, it
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Speaker 1: wasn't that I wasn't interested. It happens all the time,
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Speaker 1: a hideaway that in my head it's no big deal.
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Speaker 1: But forgetting this is your first product that you're doing with,
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Speaker 1: of course it's a big deal. You guys put so
10:15
Speaker 1: much into this. Whereas this happens all the time and
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Speaker 1: I have to move fast and pivot fast. I'm not
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Speaker 1: attached to that. So I was like, oh, I can
10:23
Speaker 1: see where you're coming from, but I just wanted you
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Speaker 1: to show a big interest and validate that. This was
10:26
Speaker 1: a really hard day for us.
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Speaker 2: Like we were annoyed and we were like, oh, you
10:30
Speaker 2: didn't work the way and.
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Speaker 1: Now it's delayed a whole launch it's fully thrown everything
10:34
Speaker 1: out and we trust it's happening for a reason, and
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Speaker 1: we've pivoted to bring something else for it. So it's
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Speaker 1: all fine. But at that moment, we were pretty annoyed. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: so I wanted him to be like, fuck, that's so ship, babe,
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Speaker 1: why did that happen? Oh my gosh, tell me about it.
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Speaker 1: He was like, oh, okay, cool, let's do this or whatever.
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Speaker 1: I was like, no, I've already done that, Like, I'm
10:51
Speaker 1: not ready for solutions, emotional, I've already done. We've done
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Speaker 1: the solutions made just hold me in. Yes, But that
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Speaker 1: was on me to say, hey, babe, don't need a solution.
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Speaker 1: I just need you to hear me. Just tell me
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Speaker 1: it's okay for me to be annoyed. Your best Yeah,
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Speaker 1: on both ends communication. There's just some personal examples anyway.
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Speaker 1: We hope that helps. This is a really cool conversation
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Speaker 1: that maybe we could do a bigger episode on, or
11:11
Speaker 1: if there's a specific situation that you're in that you're
11:15
Speaker 1: struggling to support with, maybe that's something you could bring
11:17
Speaker 1: into the best of your advice submission form as well. Absolutely,
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Speaker 1: but thanks for joining us.
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Speaker 2: We'll see on the next one bye bye,