Latest / UNLOADED / Not Today: The Weight of Grief

Transcript

Not Today: The Weight of Grief · UNLOADED

0:00
SPEAKER_01: I would like to welcome all of you back to our podcast Unloaded.
0:04
SPEAKER_01: This is Michael Seahorn.
0:06
SPEAKER_00: Shannon Morrow.
0:09
SPEAKER_00: Shannon, how are you?
0:10
SPEAKER_00: How are you doing today, bud?
0:11
SPEAKER_00: I'm doing pretty well overall.
0:12
SPEAKER_00: How are you doing, Mike?
0:14
SPEAKER_01: I'm not sure.
0:14
SPEAKER_00: Ah, good answer.
0:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
0:17
SPEAKER_01: This this might be a little or not a little.
0:20
SPEAKER_01: This is probably going to be pretty, pretty organic today, maybe.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: Well, yeah, we've already just before we hit record, we're like, what are we doing today?
0:28
SPEAKER_00: Well, I have no idea.
0:29
SPEAKER_00: Let's see what happens.
0:30
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's gonna be good, man.
0:32
SPEAKER_01: Uh, just just a lot of stuff's been going on last uh since our last recording, which ironically hasn't been more than two weeks, but a lot of things happen in two weeks, you know, so yeah, sometimes.
0:43
SPEAKER_01: But um my mom's birthday was a couple weeks back.
0:48
SPEAKER_01: So for my listeners that don't know, because we haven't really talked about it, you know, my mom passed away last year in October, uh September, sorry, last September.
0:56
SPEAKER_01: So still fresh, still new.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, first birthday without her.
1:01
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and ironically, it came up on uh FB Facebook.
1:04
SPEAKER_01: Whoa, which I'm not a Facebook person, but um just you know, kind of how the universe works, man.
1:11
SPEAKER_01: I just I was trying to sell something on the marketplace, and you can't sell anything on the marketplace unless you have the the profile up, so I had to reactivate it.
1:20
SPEAKER_01: And then, you know, that that morning, you know, it popped up, you know.
1:25
SPEAKER_01: Say say happy birthday to your mom.
1:27
SPEAKER_01: I was like, bruh.
1:29
SPEAKER_01: Huh.
1:30
SPEAKER_01: So I I didn't I didn't put a ton of thought into it in that in that moment when I read it, but uh definitely hung out with me throughout the day, man.
1:39
SPEAKER_01: Huh.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you acknowledging that now.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: Like, holy moly, man, this is the first time of my life when it's been my mom's birthday and she isn't here having lost her in l less than a year ago.
1:54
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and you know, one day we'll probably get in some lengthy talk about that, because you know, I heck you and I haven't even talked about that in any depth just in our sessions.
2:05
SPEAKER_00: So you know, I know we've proved it a couple times, but after um when she did pass, you know, processing that whole experience at length.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: And and yet then, yeah, since then, you know, I mean life goes on and the demands of your job and family, and you just gotta, you know, keep on keeping on, and and now that's it.
2:36
SPEAKER_00: When it's months later, um it's of course it's still there, and it it would be nice to just go there to just visit it and see where you're at, how you're doing with that.
2:54
SPEAKER_01: Um you know, when you grow up without a parent or parent, I suppose, you know, I only grew up with a mom, right?
3:04
SPEAKER_01: So this is probably the first time that I've had to really sit with just not having my parent, period.
3:11
SPEAKER_01: Right.
3:11
SPEAKER_01: And I know there's a lot of people out there that don't have either parents.
3:16
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, the only person who knows anything about me or or my past now is my brother.
3:23
SPEAKER_01: That's it.
3:24
SPEAKER_01: You know, we didn't have a deep family.
3:27
SPEAKER_01: Uh I didn't have or no grandparents, you know, I didn't have any aunts per se.
3:32
SPEAKER_01: I had a couple uncles, which you know, we didn't grow up with and didn't have relationships with.
3:38
SPEAKER_01: So really it was just my mom, my brother.
3:40
SPEAKER_01: So after mom passed away, you know, you you gotta get through that initial portion, right?
3:49
SPEAKER_01: And it's the it's the uncomfortability of just all the process stuff, right?
3:56
SPEAKER_01: And then just like maybe a lot of other people, you know, me, I if I don't want to deal with it, I won't deal with it.
4:03
SPEAKER_01: I'll pack it away, put it away, and I'll I'll just leave it there, right?
4:08
SPEAKER_01: And I think throughout the last, you know, what eight months, whatever it's been now, it's like I just haven't sat with it a long time and really thought about it.
4:20
SPEAKER_01: And not because I don't want to, just because I think I think somewhere deep down there, I'm just not ready to do that, right?
4:28
SPEAKER_01: I don't I just don't want to do it.
4:30
SPEAKER_01: And you know, my personality type is if I'm if I don't want to do it, I'm not doing it, period.
4:37
SPEAKER_01: So when it came up on the on the Facebook man, I mean, yeah, I'm not gonna sit here and you know not be my true self.
4:46
SPEAKER_01: You know, it was difficult.
4:47
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, you felt something else.
4:50
SPEAKER_01: I saw my brother posted.
4:52
SPEAKER_01: Just him.
4:53
SPEAKER_01: He he had a he had a post and said, you know, something about happy birthday, mom, you know, miss you, whatever, you know.
4:59
SPEAKER_01: I th I think I probably just sat there for quite a while just looking at the screen.
5:04
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
5:06
SPEAKER_01: And then that like that internal battle starts.
5:13
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like, hey, you haven't dealt with this yet, so maybe now's a great time.
5:19
SPEAKER_01: And then it's like, do I post something?
5:23
SPEAKER_01: Do I not post something?
5:25
SPEAKER_01: You know, so now I have this internal like decision I'm trying to make, like it, like it matters, right?
5:31
SPEAKER_01: One way or the other, it doesn't matter.
5:33
SPEAKER_01: If I do or I don't, it's up to me, right?
5:36
SPEAKER_01: So just sitting there, man, and just like I think it really, really just hit that you can't talk to these people no more.
5:46
SPEAKER_01: You can't I can't talk to my mom ever again, right?
5:50
SPEAKER_01: So putting the post up, you know, that's I I think I think it's for us that are still here, right?
5:58
SPEAKER_01: It's for us.
6:00
SPEAKER_01: You know, so after probably, oh I don't know, good half hour, man.
6:03
SPEAKER_01: I just I said, you know what, I'll I'll I'm gonna put a post on on there.
6:07
SPEAKER_01: Whether somebody knows or not, I'm just gonna do it.
6:10
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
6:10
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
6:11
SPEAKER_01: And I put a post up and you know, and then like always, man, your other roles take over throughout the day, man.
6:20
SPEAKER_01: And you've gotta go through those roles and uh, you know, do what it is you're doing in those roles throughout the day, man.
6:28
SPEAKER_01: And you know, at the end of the day, then it comes back.
6:32
unknown: Yeah.
6:32
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like, hey, still your mom's birthday today, man.
6:36
SPEAKER_01: Don't forget, you know what I mean?
6:37
SPEAKER_01: So yeah, it's heavy, bro.
6:40
SPEAKER_01: It's heavy, man.
6:41
SPEAKER_00: It is.
6:43
SPEAKER_00: Thanks for speaking to that.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: Sitting there for about half an hour just staring at the screen with that as you describe that little internal battle going on.
6:55
SPEAKER_00: Do I do I process this?
6:57
SPEAKER_00: Do I leave it on the shelf?
6:59
SPEAKER_00: You know, what does that look like?
7:01
SPEAKER_00: Even to process it, if that's what you choose in that moment, you know, how do you process something like the loss of your parent?
7:13
SPEAKER_01: Well, since it's the first time I've experienced this, man, I I don't have I don't have a solid answer on this.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: That's a pretty solid answer.
7:22
SPEAKER_01: And uh the peculiar thing, if you will, is that you know, I've I've I've obviously experienced lots of death just through my time of being here on the planet, whether it's through certain careers I've had or being in the military, and it's like it never gets easier.
7:40
SPEAKER_01: It's it's not easy, right?
7:42
SPEAKER_01: But I think you know, losing my mom, man, there's there's uh we could do it, uh we could literally do a month-long podcast on Jack.
7:53
SPEAKER_01: That would be a long podcast.
7:55
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, we just talking about the last, let's say, six months leading up to my mom passing away.
8:04
SPEAKER_01: Like if we were to unpack that live or record, that would that'd be a four to six episode, just just talking about that and not even talking after my mom has passed, right?
8:17
SPEAKER_01: So you know, I I know there's a lot there, and um, you know, my brother's doing his thing uh on his healing journey, same with my wife and you know my kids, but you know, I know myself well enough that if if I'm not ready to sit with it, man, then I'm not ready.
8:38
SPEAKER_00: To sit with it, thank you.
8:40
SPEAKER_00: I I appreciate how that is in a way your definition of processing it is sitting with it, you know, the sitting with the loss, the grief, the emotions that come, sitting with the discomfort of sadness, of mourning the loss of your mom, just being in it instead of when you choose to not, and just keep it up on the shelf there.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: You know, that's that really is it.
9:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, something that I did, and I I think I mentioned this to you, is um after my mom passed away, it was early in the morning.
9:24
SPEAKER_01: I would say it's it was between like 0-4 and 0-5, if if if I remember right.
9:30
SPEAKER_01: When I got home that morning, uh it took it takes it takes about an hour to get home from the hospital that she was at and you know, we got home that morning, and it's like you just don't know what to do, man.
9:41
SPEAKER_01: You're numb.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: And I'm very familiar with that.
9:44
SPEAKER_01: And in a way, it's kind of comforting, right?
9:47
SPEAKER_01: It's kind of that same, same as the anger thing of of past, right?
9:51
SPEAKER_01: It's it's familiar, it's like numb.
9:53
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's that's nice, man.
9:55
SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't feel shit right now, right?
9:57
SPEAKER_01: I'm less I'm cool, I'm numb, I don't feel nothing, I'm good, right?
10:03
SPEAKER_01: Well, even though I was up all night, and by the time I got home, you know, I just went out to the shop.
10:13
SPEAKER_01: I went out to my shop, and for for our listeners out there, and this is there's some irony here, maybe.
10:19
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if irony is a good word for this, but this was prior to us officially launching Unloaded.
10:27
SPEAKER_01: I I think you and I might have just got all of the foundational work done, and you know, all that stuff was done, and we were leading into starting recording.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: I'll I'd have to go back and look, but I know this happened before we ever began this podcast, the the actual record recordings.
10:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
10:46
SPEAKER_01: So I um I have my my PC right here, the one that we use here every day or every uh recording session, and I had it in the shop because I was doing some YouTube stuff and things like that.
11:00
SPEAKER_01: I have a recording.
11:03
SPEAKER_01: Because in that moment uh being in the shop trying to figure out what the fuck's going on in in life right now.
11:11
SPEAKER_01: Um I just started recording myself, you know, in that moment, talking about some of the things that had just occurred and some of the things I was feeling.
11:20
SPEAKER_01: So at some point I'm I'm gonna go back to that episode, if you will.
11:25
SPEAKER_01: It's not an episode yet, but I I think it will be at some point.
11:28
SPEAKER_01: I'll you know, I'll obviously share that with you at some point as well, so you can listen to it because you know it's just been sitting here on my computer since that day, you know, and it ain't gonna be more raw than that, man.
11:41
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, then the very morning, just getting home from the hospital, yeah, feeling pretty numb, yet still deciding to uh record some things here and talk about it and get your thoughts out.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
11:55
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it was difficult, you know, because my brother was unable to be here and uh he had to go to work and he was at work, and then of course my wife's you know crying and doing her thing, and you know, so I it wasn't like I was in Col Shannon at you know 5 30 in the morning, which I could, and I I know I could, but you know, I just chose to hit the record button.
12:14
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, and just between all of us, you know, people listening and you, I I haven't reopened that file.
12:21
SPEAKER_01: I I don't know, I don't remember the full context of what I probably said.
12:26
SPEAKER_01: You know, I think I have an idea, yeah, but you know, we'll have to uh unpack that at some point, and you know, because this I say it all the time, and I'm gonna keep saying it.
12:37
SPEAKER_01: This podcast it was created to help everyone, anyone, anyone who felt alone, anyone who just needed to know that they're not feeling something that nobody else has felt, or so that you know, maybe that somebody hasn't gone through something similar, right?
12:55
SPEAKER_01: And I feel like, you know, grief is just a motherfucker.
13:02
SPEAKER_01: I've seen it because I've been on both sides, just like most people that have gone through, right?
13:09
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: Grief.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: Oof.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: The pain of loss.
13:17
SPEAKER_00: And then grieving that loss.
13:22
SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, that's one of the hardest, um yeah, saddest, most angst.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: Just as you uh experience some firsthand, and it's even coming up a little for you today, you know, upon your mom's recent birthday, and um and we do it like your experience.
13:49
SPEAKER_00: We somewhat have a choice of how, where, when, to maybe allow for the expression of that grief, feeling that grief really, just you know, sitting in it, feeling it, and then it starts coming out.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: We start expressing it through crying or whatever it is, or talking about it, journaling, hitting record, you know, just making recording to yourself, you know.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: Um, but it's it is uh one um very one of the more challenging parts of life is loss.
14:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's it's definitely, you know, we talk about this a lot too, man.
14:35
SPEAKER_01: You want to talk about some weight, man.
14:37
SPEAKER_01: That's there's a lot of weight to that.
14:39
SPEAKER_01: You know, and um it's the way I look at it in my mind is that you know, that weight can fill your entire backpack if you allow it.
14:50
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
14:51
SPEAKER_01: Right.
14:51
SPEAKER_01: And there'll be no room for nothing.
14:53
SPEAKER_01: You couldn't put a pencil in your backpack, right?
14:56
SPEAKER_01: So I think subconsciously sometimes, which I've talked about openly on some of these other podcasts, is you know, I'm thank you, United States Army, because they definitely have a little bit of sway into this, but compartmentalizing is is very comfortable for me.
15:15
SPEAKER_01: I'm okay doing it.
15:16
SPEAKER_01: You and I have talked over the decade about that.
15:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the pros and the cons, because there's both, right?
15:23
SPEAKER_01: And I know myself is I'm I'm really comfortable packing things up, putting it on the shelf, and just leaving it there and not touching it, and just keep moving through things and then dealing with the other things that are coming and going, right?
15:37
SPEAKER_01: I feel like this is um this is so far outside of that preview, if you will.
15:44
SPEAKER_01: Like this isn't that I want to ignore it, this isn't that I just don't want to deal with it.
15:48
SPEAKER_01: It's it's much, much deeper than that.
15:51
SPEAKER_01: And and I feel the deepness of it.
15:54
SPEAKER_01: And and I I don't care if anybody that's listening doesn't understand what I'm talking about.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to explain something that I don't know if there are enough correct words in our English language to try to explain it, if that makes any like a sense.
16:10
SPEAKER_01: And because I feel like the deepness that that that unpacking is going to have, I I have to make sure that I'm in the right place.
16:24
SPEAKER_01: Good to sit with it, to unpack it.
16:28
SPEAKER_01: And I'm not unpacking it altogether, I'm gonna tell you that right now.
16:30
SPEAKER_01: So there's a lot of things that I've got to that I have to be okay with for some of the things I said, for some things I did, for some things I didn't do, right?
16:42
SPEAKER_01: Because that's that part of that grief.
16:44
SPEAKER_01: Is we go back in history and now you start cherry picking, right?
16:47
SPEAKER_01: You're like, oh man, I wish I wouldn't have said that, or man, I I should have said this, or man, maybe I should have, shoulda, coulda, woulda.
16:54
SPEAKER_01: You you start going down that that path, and that's it's man, that's uh that's suffering with a capital S.
17:02
SPEAKER_01: Right because you can't change that.
17:05
SPEAKER_01: I know that, you know that we all know that, but it doesn't make it any easier not to look at that and have to address that at some level, right?
17:14
SPEAKER_01: So I know it's fresh because it's you know, my mom's birthdays haven't even been three days, so it's gonna take a lot of time for me to get to the place where I'm like, hey man, like today I want to start unpacking a little bit of that.
17:32
SPEAKER_01: You know, if I have to go back to a monastery on the side of a mountain, I'll do that.
17:38
SPEAKER_01: But you know, we talk about the weight that we carry all the time on this podcast, and grief is a, in my opinion, it's a backpack filler, man.
17:52
SPEAKER_01: And I can see how people unravel when they're going through that process because you just feel like I can't deal with anything else but that.
18:02
SPEAKER_01: I can't deal with my boss, my employees, I can't deal with my family, I can't deal with this, I can't deal with that because I'm so overly encompassed by just dealing with that grief, man.
18:12
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
18:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
18:18
SPEAKER_00: Dealing with uh grief.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: And yeah, when it seems to push on everything else.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: I mean, how how are you supposed to keep working or keep parenting or keep showing up in the ways we normally choose to show up when suddenly that backpack feels like it's just a giant granite boulder?
18:42
SPEAKER_00: We can't even get it up off the ground.
18:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
18:47
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, how how then do we keep on, keeping on if it, you know, if it's so heavy, if yeah, it well you identified it earlier.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: You compartmentalized, you're just like, well, nope, not right now.
19:03
SPEAKER_00: Right now I'm going to work.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: The weight, if that weight is so heavy, how do you just compartmentalize that?
19:13
SPEAKER_00: How do you go to work?
19:15
SPEAKER_00: How do you just take care of things, take care of others, hang yourself, if this big old thing, I mean, how how sturdy is that shelf?
19:28
SPEAKER_01: Well, that that's I mean, that's fair, man.
19:30
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, I it's difficult for me because uh I understand that I come from a different angle because of the last 11 years of my life.
19:43
SPEAKER_01: I I have worked every day, day in and day out, week after week, year after year, on just understanding my own emotional being, my own emotional psyche, if you will, you know, doing the work, and you know, doing the meditation, doing the therapy, doing all of these things for I think we'll be on 12 years here, coming up pretty quick.
20:06
SPEAKER_01: And I understand that that has a lot to do with where I'm at currently in my life.
20:13
SPEAKER_01: And I understand that not everybody we we know that no two people are gonna deal with things the same because we're two different human beings, right?
20:24
SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't know about twins and those things, but just normal human beings, we're all gonna handle things specifically however it is that we deal with things as a human being.
20:34
SPEAKER_01: I understand that.
20:37
SPEAKER_01: So for me, you know, compartmentalizing is something that I I think I learned at a very young age because of the environment that I grew up in, and because of some of the things that I had to go through in my early childhood years.
20:52
SPEAKER_01: You know, and back then, I didn't know what the hell compartmentalism was.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know it was a thing.
20:59
SPEAKER_00: It's automatic.
21:00
SPEAKER_00: You this is something we do without even being aware that we're doing it.
21:04
SPEAKER_00: We dissociate, we just block out, it's repression, suppression, you know, there's yeah, it's it's a very common and sometimes even necessary um yeah, psychological um trait.
21:22
SPEAKER_01: Um, and I think now, obviously, you know, 53 years soon to be here on this planet, like I can look back now and be like, oh shit, I compartmentalized a lot of stuff when I was young.
21:32
SPEAKER_01: Right.
21:34
SPEAKER_01: However, just like you and I've talked in our past, there are years that I have no memory.
21:41
SPEAKER_01: Good, bad, or indifferent.
21:43
SPEAKER_01: I I got nothing.
21:44
SPEAKER_01: They're just blank and black, right?
21:47
SPEAKER_01: And I understand again why that is, and I I try not to focus on that stuff because those things will come up when they need to come up, and if they don't ever come up, then it's not meant to be, and I'm not.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: Forcing that.
22:02
SPEAKER_01: But right now, in this time and space of recording this, I know how deep this feeling is that I'm gonna have to sit with.
22:13
SPEAKER_01: And I'm okay sitting with it.
22:15
SPEAKER_01: I just have to make sure that I have the capacity to sit with it.
22:21
SPEAKER_01: So it doesn't overwhelm me to the point where, just like you said, I don't I can't go to work today.
22:27
SPEAKER_01: I can't deal with my loved ones today.
22:30
SPEAKER_01: I can't deal with this or that or this or that.
22:33
SPEAKER_01: I just I I'm just so overwhelmed that I just can't do anything.
22:38
SPEAKER_00: You know?
22:39
SPEAKER_00: So then what do we do when we get to that point, but we still have things to do, but we're feeling so overwhelmed that we can't really do anything, and yet, ooh, that's a gnarly space to be in until where you don't even feel like you can get out of bed, and yet you have that 9 a.m.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: meeting, and holy hell, you want to talk about weight.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: You want to talk about, oh, you know, what do you do?
23:04
SPEAKER_00: Do you try to just dig deep deep and force yourself to just get to work and go through the motions, or do you call in and allow for finally, okay, I suddenly have some space and time here to release some of this?
23:24
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
23:26
SPEAKER_00: Case by case.
23:27
SPEAKER_00: We don't know until we're there.
23:29
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, everything.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
23:32
SPEAKER_00: Until that moment, depending on who we are, where we're at, the person we are, the circumstances, it's so circumstantial, unique to each moment, each person.
23:48
SPEAKER_00: You know, we don't know.
23:50
SPEAKER_00: And yet in that moment, that's when we discover like, ooh, I'm uh I'm gonna call in.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm gonna take a day for myself.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: It they'll survive.
24:05
SPEAKER_00: It'll be there tomorrow.
24:07
SPEAKER_00: I uh trying to go in and gut this out is not worth it.
24:13
SPEAKER_00: That wouldn't be healthy for me.
24:14
SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm pretty topped off.
24:16
SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna care for myself today and have a good cry, whatever it is, go get a good ice cream later, you know, go, you know, whatever you need for you in those times when you it's just too much, you know.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: Good.
24:35
SPEAKER_00: Then you get the day off.
24:40
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I you know, I will never be one behind this microphone telling people what they should or shouldn't do and how they should or shouldn't handle things.
24:47
SPEAKER_01: It's not what our podcast was designed to do.
24:51
SPEAKER_01: We talk about these things because we understand that there are literally millions of people that have to go through this, right?
24:59
SPEAKER_01: Because we know that the cycle of life is the cycle of life.
25:02
SPEAKER_01: Can't beat it.
25:03
SPEAKER_01: It's a one-for-one, right?
25:06
SPEAKER_01: And I think personally the thing that it's difficult for me because I don't I don't want to sound callous on one hand, but I also don't want to make light of this situation.
25:16
SPEAKER_01: But I do really believe that all the things that we have tried to do in our past at some level it it is the foundation of who we are at some point in our life, and it's it's how we deal with things.
25:32
SPEAKER_01: And the way I look at that is uh I I tell people all the time, the army ran the run out of me.
25:41
SPEAKER_01: I don't like to run anymore.
25:42
SPEAKER_01: I can hate running.
25:44
SPEAKER_01: I hate it without passion.
25:46
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so I have a car, I have a bike, I have a motorcycle, I don't give a fuck.
25:50
SPEAKER_01: I got two wheels on something, right?
25:51
SPEAKER_01: I just don't like running anymore, man.
25:54
SPEAKER_01: It hurts, right?
25:56
SPEAKER_01: So I would never go out and say, hey man, I know you're a marathon runner, man.
26:02
SPEAKER_01: I want to train with you.
26:04
SPEAKER_01: Bro, that dude's gonna blow my doors off.
26:06
SPEAKER_01: Matter of fact, he he could probably walk faster than I could run, right?
26:09
SPEAKER_01: But all of his training in running and doing his marathons or their marathons or whatever their training regimen is, is that dude could probably take a month off, come back a month later, let's say he had an injury, pick up where he left off, you know, rehabilitate a little bit, and then he's off to the races, literally, right?
26:28
SPEAKER_01: That's not me.
26:30
SPEAKER_01: That wasn't my training path.
26:33
SPEAKER_01: I I can't do that, right?
26:34
SPEAKER_01: But in the mental health space, I think all of the training and things I have done over the last 11, almost 12 years now, I think it really helps me in these very, very difficult places where like you said, I could I just not go to work?
26:55
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I have that, right?
26:56
SPEAKER_01: And I have that ability because of my role to a to a certain extent, right?
27:03
SPEAKER_01: But man, I I know myself, man.
27:05
SPEAKER_01: Like I have to go.
27:07
SPEAKER_01: I need to go.
27:10
SPEAKER_01: Right?
27:11
SPEAKER_01: Because that's just who I am, I guess.
27:14
SPEAKER_01: I just I need to I need my discipline.
27:17
SPEAKER_01: The discipline is what helps me get through some of these things.
27:22
SPEAKER_01: If I just don't get up out of bed, I I don't know if that's physically possible right now, you know.
27:28
SPEAKER_01: If I sleep until 4 30, man, I'm like, damn, I wasted my whole day.
27:32
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
27:33
SPEAKER_01: My whole morning's ruined, I I slept over an hour, right?
27:36
SPEAKER_01: It sounds silly, but that's how important my daily discipline and routines are.
27:43
SPEAKER_01: It's what's made me who I am.
27:46
SPEAKER_01: So I think doing that for the last 12 years has helped tremendously when I have these deep battles that I'm battling, man.
27:56
SPEAKER_01: I can still get up, I can still do my routine because it's comforting.
28:01
SPEAKER_01: I find comfort, I find solace in that, and it helps me to focus on, hey man, we'll get there.
28:10
SPEAKER_01: Just let's get through what you gotta get done this morning, right?
28:14
SPEAKER_01: And by the time I get to the shower and changed and ready to eat some chow, that thing doesn't seem so big.
28:25
SPEAKER_00: You choose to continue forward.
28:29
SPEAKER_00: Here we are.
28:30
SPEAKER_00: Another day.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: Gotta show up.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: That's what you do.
28:34
SPEAKER_00: You show up.
28:35
SPEAKER_00: That's part of your identity, as you just described.
28:38
SPEAKER_00: You know, that's what you do.
28:40
SPEAKER_00: And uh it would be so foreign the thought of not showing up, you know, taking the day off, whatever, um, just mostly doesn't feel like much of an option for you.
28:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but you know, you go back, go back, you know, I don't know, four or five weeks ago, and uh, you know, uh listeners can can see when I pulled the trigger and left for a week to go to Hawaii.
29:04
SPEAKER_01: So there's there's always duality on both sides of the coin.
29:07
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, in this case, I just had to keep doing what I'm doing.
29:13
SPEAKER_01: You know, no nobody that doesn't listen to this podcast will never know three days ago that I was sitting with some of the biggest, deepest hurt that I've had to deal with for a while, right?
29:24
SPEAKER_01: Because that's just not who I am, man.
29:28
SPEAKER_01: I I have to continue forward.
29:30
SPEAKER_01: I need to continue doing the things that I rightfully tell people that I I I gotta do.
29:37
SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't sometimes sometimes I feel the universe really does help us in some of our most difficult times because it just happened to be that I already had prior commitments, like I normally do, but on that specific day I had a lot of prior commitments, and I just don't think it it would have been fair for me to just you know wipe out eight other commitments that I committed to months ago, you know what I mean?
30:03
SPEAKER_00: No, yeah, no, that's who you are, right?
30:06
SPEAKER_00: You honor your commitments, that's super important to you, and while very much grieving, very much uh experiencing some of that sadness, you are able, you made the choice mostly, but it's kind of almost just second nature to you.
30:23
SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm going to once again shelf this and get on with the day.
30:31
SPEAKER_00: Which you just said in the duality of that, yeah, great.
30:36
SPEAKER_00: You show up, you honor your commitments.
30:39
SPEAKER_00: And um how long can that stuff sit on the shelf?
30:44
SPEAKER_00: How long do we just nope, not today, nope, not today, nope, not today.
30:48
SPEAKER_00: You know, how long are we able to well you you talked about it earlier.
30:54
SPEAKER_00: And I've seen it actually.
30:56
SPEAKER_00: Some people do their very best.
31:00
SPEAKER_00: I mean, this isn't putting it up on a shelf.
31:02
SPEAKER_00: This is like, yeah, putting it in that really thick steel safe, throwing away the key and dropping it to the bottom of the ocean, hoping to forever forget about it, hoping that it will never ever arise again.
31:20
SPEAKER_00: And I think we kind of have that awareness that it generally doesn't work.
31:29
SPEAKER_00: You know, we can't just make things go away forever.
31:33
SPEAKER_01: You can't.
31:35
SPEAKER_01: I want to pause you on this one, man.
31:37
SPEAKER_01: We're gonna have to pause it.
31:38
SPEAKER_00: Oh, we're already half hour.
31:40
SPEAKER_00: Oh wow.
31:40
SPEAKER_01: We're already running over a half hour, so I'm gonna pause it there.
31:43
SPEAKER_01: I know it's a it's a hard place to pause, but um, we're gonna pick this conversation up, and and for our listeners, you'll just have to tune in the following week to get the second part of the the podcast.
31:54
SPEAKER_01: But uh like always, it's it's been a you know pleasure chatting with my my co-host Shannon.
32:00
SPEAKER_01: We're gonna pick this conversation up here, uh, and you guys could listen to it in the following podcast.
32:05
SPEAKER_01: But as for today, you know, if you guys need help, man, you know, 988's out there, call text, uh, reach out if you're feeling like you need some help or you just need someone to talk to, man.
32:16
SPEAKER_01: So um check your local providers in your local area, book your hour appointment with somebody, and and uh, you know, I don't think you'll you'll ever regret that.
32:26
SPEAKER_01: So if that's something you guys need to do, man, I highly recommend you guys do that.
32:30
SPEAKER_01: So that's for Mike Seahorn.
32:32
SPEAKER_01: Shannon Morrow.
32:33
SPEAKER_01: We're gonna catch you on the next episode.