Latest / Back Porch Confessions / THE FIVE-SECOND PAUSE: Delaying Your Reaction, Breaking Emotional Traps & Choosing Your Response
Transcript
- Gravesb41: Sometimes my soul is just tired, tired of being strong, tired of carrying the heaviness, tired of fighting battles nobody else can see. And maybe you know that kind of tired too. The kind of tired that doesn't come from sleep, the kind of tired that settles deep in your heart, your mind and your spirit, the kind that comes from surviving, enduring, holding it all together and still showing up when your life had tried to take everything out of you. But here's the truth. Being tired does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are broken, and it does not mean your story is over. At Renewed Mind we talk about the hard things, the hidden heaviness, the silent battles, the trauma, the grief, the healing, and the fight to keep going when your soul feels weary. This is the place where strong people can finally tell the truth, where healing gets honest, where pain is spoken out loud. And where the ones who have spent their whole lives pouring into others can find a space to breathe, be seen, and remember they are worth the battle too because sometimes the healer needs healing. Sometimes the strong ones need somewhere soft to land, and sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit you're tired and keep choosing to heal anyway. This is renewed mind, real talk, real pain, real healing. One honest conversation at a time. Hey beautiful people, it's Barbara here from Backport's Confessions. You know, I am only gonna share what I truly love. And y'all, this one's a game changer. Our Way Skin by AYXA is a simple, luxurious skincare created with real women in mind. Think clean ingredients, formulas you can see and feel, smoother texture, that healthy glow and confidence looking back at you in the mirror. Whether you're juggling family, work, or just need a little self-care moment, Ixa's products give you spa quality results right at home. I'm obsessed with Our Way Skin and the way it makes my skin feel buttery soft. Go check out Our Way Skin by Ixa at ourwayskin.com and tell them Barbara sent you because your skin deserves to be cared for your way. Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Back Porch Confessions: Hey y'all, it's Backports Confessions again. this podcast is gonna be on the five second pause. And welcome back. Pull up your chair, grab your coffee. Today we're talking about five seconds. that's it. Five little seconds. Because sometimes five seconds can be the difference between a conversation, an argument, a boundary, and an explosion, a response. maybe even just a reaction, sending that text, deleting that text, protecting your peace. And sometimes the next three hours explaining something you said during a fifteen seconds of anger. is the response and anybody already feeling personally attacked at this point? because honey I have typed some things that probably need to spend a little more time in drafts. Mm-hmm. And I know I'm not alone. Somebody says something. Immediately, boom, we're responding, right? Just bam. Your knee-jerk reaction. I call it a knee-jerk reaction. Someone sends a text and our heart rate changes. Our fingers are already typing a message back at them and getting that mad text going on. someone criticizes us and we're defending ourselves. Someone rolls their eyes. I do not like that one, especially when little kids do it. We roll ours harder. Right? Someone raises their voice. Our voice goes up too. Somebody gets sarcastic. Well, guess what? I can get even more sarcasm than you can. I'm pretty fluent in the subject. Anyway, before we know it, we aren't communicating anymore, right? We're reacting. Today I want to talk about what happens when we interrupt that cycle. Not for an hour, not even necessarily for 10 minutes. Sometimes just five seconds. One, one thousand, two, two thousand, three, three thousand, four, four thousand, five, five thousand. That's five seconds. Count it off in your head because that little pause creates something incredibly important, which is space. Space between what happened and what we do next. And in that space lives something we often lose when emotions get high. You know, our emotions can rise in those moments. Choice. We lose choice. So here's today's big idea. Here's the sentence I want us coming back to throughout this entire episode. Your first feeling deserves acknowledgement. Your first reaction does not always deserve action. Those are different things. You can feel angry without immediately speaking from anger, right? You can feel hurt without immediately retaliating. You can feel rejected without immediately beginning, or begging rather, for reassurance. You can feel afraid without immediately assuming the worst. You can even feel criticized without immediately defending yourself. You can also feel disrespected without immediately becoming disrespectful. And you can feel triggered without handing the trigger control of what happens next. That doesn't mean suppression or suppressing any emotions. We're not stuffing things down. You know how I feel about that. We're not stuffing things down. No more stuff. No. Lord knows we just did an entire episode about that not long ago. We're talking about something completely different. We're talking about noticing the emotion without immediately obeying it. So what happens before the reaction? Let's start there. Something happens. Maybe your spouse says something, or maybe your mother makes a comment. Maybe your adult child doesn't answer the phone. Maybe your friend leaves you unread. Maybe somebody criticizes you, or somebody says something online that you didn't like, or somebody's tone changes towards you. Maybe somebody looks at you sideways and suddenly something inside your body, before you've even formed a complete thought, your heart may beat faster. Your muscles tighten, your jaw clenches, your stomach drops. You may feel hot, shaky. You want to defend yourself, right? You escape, fight, fix it, explain yourself, whatever it is that comes up next that you feel like you need to do with this moment. And here's where things get interesting though. Sometimes the event happening right now isn't the only thing your emotional system is responding to. Sometimes today bumped into yesterday. So what happens when today touches an old wound? Somebody doesn't respond to your text. That's today's event, right? Maybe you have abandonment in your life. And maybe abandonment lives underneath that. Somebody criticizes you in today's event. But underneath that, for you. It lives. I've never been good enough. There's something wrong with me. Someone seems disappointed in you is today's event. And and you have that immediate I have to keep everybody happy. Your partner gets quiet is today's event. Underneath that, something's wrong. I'm about to be rejected. someone disagrees with you at today's event. Underneath that, I'm not being heard. That's why reactions can sometimes feel bigger than the moment itself. That's why I say sometimes our reactions are an old wound that just are are magnified at that point. It's generally not about the little thing that happened. Because we're not always reacting only to what happened in the moment. Sometimes we're reacting to everything the moment reminds us of. Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever reacted to something and later thought, why did that bother me so much? Because that's a powerful question. We don't ask why am I crazy? We don't ask why am I so sensitive. We need to learn to ask what did that moment touch? Reactions are information. Maybe not always accurate instructions, but information. So there's a trigger in it. So we have to figure out what the trigger versus the threat is. Let's talk about the word trigger for just a second. We use it constantly nowadays. Like it is the it word, just like narcissist and gate light, gas, gaslighting, gatelighting, gaslighting, all the things, gatekeeping. Those are all the new words, right? so that triggered me. But feeling triggered doesn't necessarily mean you're currently unsafe. Sometimes a trigger is something in the present that activates an emotional association with something from the past. Your body reacts quickly. That doesn't mean you're making it up. The feeling is real, but here's where the pause matters. Instead of immediately concluding this was dangerous, we ask, is something dangerous happening right now? Or does something about this feel familiar? That question alone can change a lot in your reaction. That five-second pause. Let's practice. Someone says something that immediately irritates you. I get that often. I'm doing this class for me. Instead of what the hell did you just say? Pause for just a minute. Not even a minute. Sorry, five seconds. Let's pause for five seconds. Do that pause. One, one thousand, two, two thousand, three, three thousand, four, four, thousand. Five five thousand. And during those five seconds, don't formulate your comeback. That's cheating. No cheating. Actually check yourself. What happened to my body? What emotion came up? What am I assuming in this? What do I want to do? And then do I actually want to do that? That's the pause. Rewind that and listen to it again if you need. Because then we get into the reaction versus the response. Our reactions are often too fast. Response is intentional. Reaction says, you will always do this. Response says, that bothered me. Can we talk about what just happened? Reaction, whatever, I don't care. Response, I do care. That's why I'm upset. See the difference? Reaction. Fine. Response I'm too upset to have this conversation conversation well right now. See the difference between the two? We have a reaction. You're exactly like my exhib This brought up something old for me and I need a second. Big difference. And then we have a reaction. Block. We just block Delete. Unfriend. Send a paragraph, post cryptic Facebook quotes. Response. Just pause. Just pause before you react. Take that five seconds. There comes this little thing that creeps into our world nowadays that we have texting. So texting kind of deserves its whole a whole podcast in and of itself, but I'm gonna try to wrap it up a little bit into this because it literally deserves its own section. Text messages allow us to react at lightning speed. You read something, you interpret the tone based off of how you're feeling. Decide what they meant and then become angry about what you've decided they meant. That's reaction. Respond to the meaning you assigned. And now two people are arguing about a tone that may never have even existed. Because you responded to the meaning that you assigned. And here is a rule worth trying. If a text changes your heart rate, don't immediately answer it. Read it. Pause, put the phone down, walk away, clear the head, come back and ask, what do I actually know? What am I assuming? Cause you know as well as I do, and anybody else does, you don't hear a tone. Right? You cannot hear a tone in a text message. It's emotionless. Could this be interpreted another way? Do I need clarification? Sometimes the healthiest text response is, I want to make sure I'm understanding what you mean before I respond. Imagine the arguments that could be prevented. Just from those simple five second pause and time to think ideas. What happens when you need more than five seconds? Five seconds isn't like the magic number. Sometimes five seconds is only enough time to realize I need five minutes. And sometimes five minutes tells you I need an hour. And sometimes honestly. You need a whole lot more. Sometimes it's a day or two. Sometimes it's just a simple I want to continue this conversation, but I need some time to calm down first. That's not avoidance when you genuinely return to the conversation. But you have to actually return to the conversation. That's regulation. You're able to regulate your system, the response, the end result. Right, instead of projecting onto the text what you think is inferred by a tone that you placed there, most likely by how you are already feeling before you read the text. Avoidance is we never discussing this. We're never discussing this, never ever again. Just you just hard stop and discussing it. That's avoidance. A pause is I want to discuss this when I can do it productively. There's a huge difference between the two. And let's be honest, you deserve it. The person on the other end deserves it. What situations make me react the fastest? What kind of situations make you react the fastest? For me, I say things like criticism, rejection, feeling ignored, feeling controlled, feeling misunderstood, disrespect, someone's tone, being interrupted, feeling abandoned. Feeling not heard? I don't know if I said that one already. What happens in your body before you react? Do you recognize the physical warning signs? What do you typically do? Do you fight? Do you defend? Do you explain? Do you shut down? Run? People please. Apologize immediately? Send paragraphs? Do you go silent? I know some of you go silent. What would happen if you waited five seconds? And ask yourself what am I afraid will happen if I don't react immediately? And here's a big one. Am I responding to what this person actually said? Or what I think it means? Am I responding to what this person actually said or what I think it means? Here's the first takeaway with all this. You don't have to solve the entire emotional situation in five seconds. Five seconds simply gives you an opportunity to stop making the situation worse. Sometimes that's enough. Sometimes not. Because when we're emotionally activated, we often think our only options are to react or suppress. But there's really a third option. We don't have to react or suppress only. We can pause. What a novel idea. How about we pause, feel it, notice it, then choose. Which route do we think we should go? What are we actually feeling in this moment? Is it a wound from then or a wound from now? What is the emotional trap that you're about to step into if you don't pause? Emotional traps can make that pause so darn difficult. What are those emotional traps? Why we react before we think? Because reactions don't come out of nowhere, right? Most of us have patterns. Certain things hook us faster than others. And once we recognize the hook, we can stop swallowing the bait. So emotional trap number one. I have to defend myself. Somebody misunderstands you immediately. No, that's not what happened. Then comes the fourteen minute explanation. Every detail, every date, every witness, exhibition A through Q. Our internal spreadsheet from nineteen seventy seven has officially entered the chat, right? Because We didn't pause. And if you ask yourself, does this actually require a defense? Not every misunderstanding needs a courtroom. Sometimes that's not how I experienced it. Is enough. You don't have to say anymore. That's not how I experienced it. That is enough. It doesn't have to be a whole thing. It doesn't have to be. That 47 pages or that 14-minute explanation. Trap number two, I have to correct them. Our need, insatiable need to correct people. Some of us cannot tolerate inaccurate information about ourselves. If somebody says you were angry, no, I wasn't. You said, no, what I actually said was. And suddenly the conversation becomes about correcting details instead of understanding feelings. How many of you get stuck in that trap? Pause. Ask, is inaccuracy important here or am I trying to win? Alexa, volume down one. There's no happy medium with her, y'all. Is accuracy important here or am I trying to win? Trap number three. I need them to understand me right now. This one creates over explaining. We believe if I just find the correct words, they'll understand. So we explain and explain and explain and the more they don't understand, the more desperate we become. Pause. You can clarify, but you cannot force understanding. The biggest takeaway for that one is you cannot force understanding. So trap number four. Silence means something is wrong. Somebody gets quiet immediately. Are you mad? What's wrong? Did I do something? Are we okay? Pause. Take a pause. Their silence might be about you, it might also be about work, it might be fatigue, stress, a headache. They might be thinking about something, or it could be absolutely nothing, which is what it was is with my husband more often than not. Sending him a message to close the door because it's loud. Don't create an entire emotional documentary from three minutes of silence. Because I am queen of doing that. How many of you are queen of doing that? Or king? Trap number five. A delayed response means rejection. It's it text sent read no response five minutes goes by ten minutes go by twenty minutes go by and suddenly we're writing the screenplay. They hate me. You pause, pause. When you start to go down that path, pause. People drive, people work, people take a shower, people get phone calls, some people take naps, some people have families, some people have simply read the message, got distracted, and forgot to respond. A delayed response is data. It is not automatically rejection. Pause. Breathe. Trap number six. If they're upset, I have to fix it. Hello, people pleasers. Someone is disappointed. Immediately, what can I do? Should I apologize? Should I change my decision? Should I make them feel better? No. Pause. Pause. Breathe. Someone else's diff discomfort does not automatically mean that you've done something wrong. Someone else's discomfort does not automatically mean you've done something wrong. Someone else's discomfort does not automatically mean you've done something wrong. Not there's the tape's not broke, the thing's not skipping. I literally feel you need to hear me say that three times. Trap number seven. If someone is angry, I must be in danger. For people with certain histories, anger can feel terrifying. Someone's voice changes, and your entire body responds. Pause. Try to pause and breathe and ask, am I currently unsafe? Or did this remind my body of another time when danger did mean danger? Here's an important distinction that you have to remember. And if you actually are unsafe, the priority isn't sitting there practicing communication skills. It's safety. I'm gonna say that again. If you are actually unsafe when you pause and ask that question, the priority isn't to sit there practicing communication skills. It's to find safety. Trap number eight. I need the last word. y'all. I have been this person and I know a lot of people that are this way. Some arguments would have ended 45 minutes earlier if somebody had simply stopped talking. But one more thing. And they respond. Well, since you brought that up. Now we have opened another spreadsheet for them. boy. Sometimes peace requires allowing a conversation to end without delivering the closing argument. You don't have to have the last word. Especially if you're with somebody that also has to have the last word. Y'all will never finish. Sometimes peace requires allowing a conversation to end without delivering the closing argument. Trap number nine. I have to match their energy. boy. How many of you are going, that's me, that's me. I have to match their energy. No, no, you don't. Someone gets loud. You don't have to get louder. Someone gets sarcastic. You don't have to become sarcastic. Someone becomes disrespectful. You don't have to prove you're better at disrespect. Their behavior belongs to them. Your response belongs to you. Trap number ten. I need to make them feel what I felt. I need to make them feel what I felt. that retaliation. You hurt me. I'll hurt you. You embarrassed me. I'm gonna embarrass you. You ignored me. I'm gonna ignore you. You made me jealous. Watch this. No, pause. Breathe. Pain doesn't become healing when you hand it back. It becomes more pain. Tap number eleven. I have to answer now. No, you don't. Not every text needs an immediate response. Not every question needs an immediate answer. Not every invitation needs an immediate yes. Not every accusation deserves immediate defense. You are allowed to say, let me think about that. That sentence can change your entire life when talking to people, especially if you are a people pleaser. Five seconds people pleasing pause. Somebody ask, can you do this? Your automatic answer? Sure. Pause 1 1000, 2 2000, 3 3000, 44000, 5500, and ask, do I actually want to? Do I have the capacity to do so right now? Am I saying yes because I want to? Or because I'm afraid of disappointing them? Then answer. Sometimes emotional regulation isn't about anger. Sometimes it's the five seconds before an automatic yes. Cause you see. You get angry after a while and burnt out from continuing saying yes and not protecting yourself in those moments. Which emotional trap catches you the most often? Defending? Correcting? Over explaining? Catastrophizing silence that comes your way, fear of rejection, fixing everybody, matching energy, needing the last word, retaliation, automatic people pleasing. And what does that reaction usually cost you? Because I just listed all the ones that I went over. Peace. Sleep, relationships. Self-respect. Sometimes we lose time and energy. Sometimes the question isn't, was my reaction understandable? It probably was. The better question is, was it useful? Was it useful? I had to take a drink. So what to do during that pause? Turning the five seconds into an emotional choice. That's something you'll have to practice. When we get practical with the idea, it's kind of It's gonna be weird at first because telling someone to just pause isn't enough. What the heck are we supposed to do while we're pausing? Right? What do you mean, Barbara? What do you mean, pause? You literally want me to count that out? Like how my brain's supposed to think about anything else if I'm counting one 1000, two, two thousand. Gravesb41: If you're looking for beautiful, meaningful, and custom-made creations that tell a story, Little Butterfly Design and Print is where creativity and compassion come together. Cheryl specializes in personalized designs that celebrate life's most important moments, from custom shirts and prints to heartfelt gifts, memorial pieces and unique creations made just for you. Every design is crafted with intention, care, and a personal touch that you can feel. Whether you're honoring a loved one, supporting a cause, building your brand, or simply want something one of a kind, Cheryl brings your vision to life in a way that feels truly special. Little Butterfly Design and Print isn't just a business. It's a reminder that even the smallest ideas can transform into something beautiful. Support a small business that pours love into every detail. Find Little Butterfly Design and Print by Cheryl A. Harlan online and see how she can create something meaningful just for you. Back Porch Confessions: Here's the back porch five. Here's Barbara's five. Five things to notice. Step one. Stop your mouth and your fingers. You heard me. Stop your mouth and stop your fingers. Seriously. Don't talk yet. Don't type. Do not hit send. Don't post that yet. Don't call your bestie to begin building a federal case. Just stop. Gotta situate Max. Step two. Notice your body. Ask, what is happening physically? Is my heart racing? Is my chest tight? Am I clenching my jaw? Do my does my face feel hot? Am I flush? My stomach drop? Are my shoulders tight? Those are all signals. Your body may be telling you something. Something feels threatening. Listen to those signals without immediately accepting the interpretation. Listen to the signal without immediately accepting the interpretation. Step three: name the emotion. Say internally, I'm angry, I'm embarrassed, I'm hurt. I'm little scared. Man, I'm jealous. I'm so disappointed. I feel rejected. Whew, I'm so overwhelmed. I'm a little defensive. Naming the feeling can create distance from it. Have you ever tried that? Naming the feeling can create distance from it. So instead of this is terrible, it becomes I'm experiencing anger. You are experiencing an emotion. You are not the emotion. Do you hear me? You are experiencing an emotion. You are not the emotion. Step four. Question the story. Ask what do I know? What am I assuming? Could there be another explanation? Is this about now? Or did now touch something old? Do I need clarific Do I need clarification before forming a conclusion? This step is huge because we often react not to events, but to interpretations. Think about that. Step five, choose the goal. Before you respond, ask, what do I want to happen next? Do I want connection? Understanding? A boundary? Clarification? Resolution? Maybe some distance? Or do I simply want to hurt them because I'm hurting? Your answer tells you how to respond. Definitely don't respond to the I want to hurt someone because they're hurting me. That's not that's not how big people work. so what is the formula with this five second thing? So basically here it is. You will stop, you'll notice, you'll name, you'll question, you'll choose. You'll stop, you'll notice, you'll name, you'll question, and you'll choose. You don't have to do all five perfectly in literally five seconds. The point is creating a small interruption between impulse and action. So what can a pause response sound like? I need a second. It's a paused response. I'm noticing I'm getting defensive. So I'm gonna need a minute. Or if you need that clarification, is can you can you explain to me what you meant? Because my initial reaction is is gonna go away. I I don't think that's what you meant. So can you explain to me what you meant? Give some space to explain and and avoids the argument, right? I don't want to respond from anger. So give me a minute, because because right now I'm feeling angry and I don't want to respond from that. Or you can simply tell them you hurt me. That hurt me. What you said hurt me. And It's okay to say that and tell them that you need time to process that hurt before you respond. You need time before you answer. I'm not sure how to feel yet. It's okay to say all these things. I want to think about this. Can we come back to this? Because right now I I don't think I can I can respond. without anger or emotion emotional trauma behind it all. I heard what you said. I need a minute. I don't agree, but I want to understand. Just simply saying I need clarification works. And then there's this portion of us that some of us are, I'm too activated to have a productive conversation right now. It's okay to tell them that. Create that pause. These aren't weak responses. Those are actually controlled responses. Write them all down if you need to. Take a picture of the screen. I don't know if it does the wording on there or not, y'all. If you need it, let me know. I'll send it to you. Send me an email, backportconfessions at gmail.com. It's easy peasy to remember. When someone is trying to provoke you, what do you do? Let's talk about what people who want the reaction. They w let's talk about those people. They want that reaction. They want you to be angry. They want you to be hurt. They want you to defend. Because those people, they very much do exist. They if you are on social media at all, you know these people. Someone makes a comment, they know exactly what they're doing, right? They're gonna go straight for the jugular. They're gonna poke. Then when you explode, wow, look how crazy you're acting. Excuse me? Okay, pause. This is where we pause. When you get that excuse me reaction, breathe. Pause. That's where delaying your reaction becomes incredibly powerful. Believe me when I tell you this. Because some emotional traps require your participation participation, sorry. Anyway, if something is thrown at you. If someone throws you bait You don't have to take it, right? Just because the rage baiters are out there, doesn't mean you have to take their bait. Why do you feed them? They're sitting up there laughing at you because you are feeding into it. Sometimes the strongest rep response in those situations, I swear y'all, I can talk, but I say this every time. I'm not participating in this conversation like this. Then disengage. That's it. Leave it. Just leave it. I'm not participating in this conversation like this. Be gone. You take away their power to poke at you. You take your power back. Social media is terrible with this. I just mentioned it. And Lord, let me tell you what. We need an entire section on this too. Because someone comments something rude in your keyboard war, your fingers immediately start typing, typing. My brain is getting ahead of my mouth. So pause here in that moment. Do not immediately start responding. Pause. Create that pause. Ask, does this person deserve access to my energy? Will responding help? Am I educating? Am I clarifying? Or am I entering a seventy three comment argument with somebody named Chuck Daddy Sixty Nine Four Twenty? I mean seriously. You don't even know this person on the other side generally. Never even met them, probably never will. Protect your peace. Sometimes delete is emotional regulation. Sometimes block is a boundary. And don't let somebody say, well, if you gotta block people, that means you're not mature. Bullshit. Excuse my language, but bullshit. You can block. If that protects your peace, they are saying that because they want you to have that 73 comment argument, that debate. Block away. Not every stranger deserves a front row seat to your nervous system. Let them. Ooh, I can't say that enough. So when the pause becomes a boundary for you, a pause isn't always gonna be, let me calm down so we can continue. Sometimes the pause is going to reveal something deeper. I don't want to continue this conversation under these conditions. Then I'll talk about this when we can both speak respectfully. If yelling continues, I'm leaving this conversation. Sometimes you've already answered and they just aren't hearing you. So quit repeating. There are situations where I'm not discussing this publicly. It doesn't need to be addressed publicly. There are some times when you just need space from all of it. And so you just take your space. You take that pause. The pause gives you enough room to choose a boundary instead of an explosion. Then we go to the side of what the pause isn't. The pause is not, and I hear you hear me clearly when I say this, the pause is not me asking you to suppress your feelings. It's not letting people disrespect you. It's not ignoring abuse. It's not avoiding necessary conversations, pretending that something didn't hurt you. It's not being passive, keeping everybody else comfortable. It's not that. The goal isn't to become less emotional. The goal is to become more intentional with your emotions. There is a huge difference. What happens when I pause? Do I become uncomfortable? Does silence make me anxious? Do I feel pressure to immediately explain myself? What emotion is hardest for me to tolerate? Is it anger, rejection, embarrassment, disappointment, even uncertainty? Can I allow myself to feel uncomfortable without immediately doing something to make the feeling disappear? Because that's another big piece of this. Sometimes impulsive reactions aren't attempts to solve the problem. They're attempts to escape the feeling. It's pretty powerful. So In this process of creating that five second pause. You got it? You get to regain peace and boundaries and relationships in the person you're becoming. You become harder to trigger in this five seconds pause. I want to clarify something in all of this. The goal isn't to become a person who never gets triggered. You're human. I'm human. People will irritate you. I might even irritate you sometimes. People will hurt you. You will be disappointed. Misunderstandings will happen. And sometimes somebody is genuinely going to behave like an asshole. Pardon my French. The goal isn't emotional perfection. The goal is increasing the distance between the Feeling and action. The distance between because the distance is where maturity grows. You can be angry and still be in control. That is important. Emotional regulation doesn't mean becoming emotionless. You can be furious and still choose your words. You can say that was disrespectful. And Also say I won't accept being spoken to like that. You can also say that crossed a boundary. I had a brain bleep there because my phone kept going off y'all, I'm sorry. You can also say I'm angry about what happened. It's strong and it's clear. No explosion required. Taking control, right? Excuse me. The power of not explaining. Because there really is power in it. I want you all to hear me when I say that. There really is power in not explaining or over-explaining. Driving a dead horse into the ground, I say sometimes. Sometimes the pause helps you realize I don't actually owe a paragraph here. No dissertation needed. No defense system needed. No 14 screenshots, no TED talks, no emotional PowerPoint presentations needed. Sometimes no is enough. Sometimes I disagree. Sometimes that doesn't work for me. Sometimes I've made my decision and that's it. People who are accustomed to over-explaining. often discover tremendous peace when they stop trying to make everybody approve of their choices. What a novel idea. Isn't that amazing? Think about that for a bit. If you are a people pleaser, you are accustomed to over-explaining, but you often can discover a tremendous amount of peace when you stop trying to get everybody's approval of your choices. Now we get to the point where we come a little closer in. We're not talking about social media and outside sources, we're talking about a loved one, a spouse, or a close relationship of some sort. Imagine how relationships could change if both people learned we don't have to solve this while we are angry. Maybe I love you. I'm pissed right now. Both things are true. Give me a few minutes. It's honest, it's to the point, and there's no hard feelings that have to happen with that. Or I want to understand you, but I'm feeling defensive right now. Okay. Honest to the point. Or you say something like, Can we start this conversation over? Because I feel things got sideways. Imagine normalizing that. Imagine not having to win every conversation, every argument, every disagreement. Imagine restarting the conversation to direct it toward peace and maturity and taking each other's power back. Imagine repairing by being able to react in an emotional regulated way. Now you have the pause with your children. Sometimes that's a really hard one to do, too. Parents absolutely need to pause too. Your child does not need something, immediate reaction. It doesn't need to have an immediate reaction. If your child is pushing your buttons and they're just like, I need, I need, I need, I need, I need. And they do something. because you say didn't give them that need and they do something that's not real smart. Your immediate reaction is, what were you thinking? What were you thinking? Pause. Pause here. Because sometimes the lesson a child remembers isn't what they did wrong. It's how you responded when they made a mistake. Hear that again. Sometimes the lesson is lesson isn't a child. Remembering what they did wrong. It's how you responded when they made a mistake. Think about that for yourself. When your parents responded to a mistake you made, do you remember what it was you did wrong? Or do you remember how they responded? Ask what am I trying to teach here? Am I teaching fear or responsibility? That's the pause you need. What am I trying to teach them? Fear, responsibility, punishment, or accountability. The pause doesn't remove consequences, it just improves your delivery. And it also improves their acceptance. Now a trickier one is with your adult kids because they know it all right. That is just a whole nother level. your adult child tells you something you disagree with. Your immediate urge is advice, warnings, opinions, fixing. Try not to do that because that's not really what they're needing from you at the time. Take a pause. Pause and ask, did they ask me for my advice? 'Cause more often than not, they probably didn't. Sometimes they just need mom, not management. Sometimes do you want my opinion or do you just need me to listen can transform a whole conversation with your adult child. Do you want my opinion or do you just want me to listen? Then the most important one in my opinion is Is the pause with yourself. You make a mistake. Immediate internal reaction. I'm stupid. I always screw everything up. What is wrong with me? Pause. Please breathe and pause. Would you talk to someone you love that way? Maybe the five-second pause isn't only for how we respond to others. Maybe it's not for how we respond to ourselves. Maybe, maybe it is for, did I say not? Y'all, I can't even get my stuff together. Maybe it's for how we respond to ourselves. I made a mistake. Pause. I don't like what happened. Pause. But I don't have to destroy myself over it. That's self-compassion. So let me go back to this again. You make a mistake. You call yourself everything in the book. You're the biggest loser. Pause. Before you continue down that path, pause. Would you talk to someone else you love that way? No. The five-second pause isn't only for how we respond to others, it is for how we respond to ourselves. I made a mistake. Pause. I don't like what happened. Pause. But I don't have to destroy myself over it. That's learning self-compassion, giving yourself grace. So what happens when you don't pause? You're going to mess this up. We're not always gonna respond in a good way. We're not always gonna know to pause. Sometimes our emotions will take over. Let's just establish that. You will react. You will send something too quickly. You will say something you wish you'd worded differently. Yep. You'll get defense. You'll lose your patience. Healing doesn't mean you never react again. The next skill is repair. I reacted instead of listening. I shouldn't have said that. I was defensive. Let me try again. I need to apologize. I still believe what I was trying to communicate, but I don't like how I communicated it. That is emotional maturity, not perfection, but repair. So now we get to what I call the 24 hour question for bigger situations. Will I feel the same way about this tomorrow? If the answer might be no, then wait. Not everything needs an immediate action. Sometimes sleep changes perspective. Sometimes additional information appears. Sometimes What we felt was catastrophic at eleven thirty PM feels manageable by eight AM. Never underestimate what exhaustion can do to emotional reasoning. So the five-minute question. Ask, what response will make me proud of myself five minutes from now? Not what will response will hurt them? Not what response proves I'm right. Not what response wins. Not what response gets attention. What response protects the person I'm trying to become? That's the question. When you need five minutes. What about the five-year question? This is for major situations. This will matter five years from now? Yes or no? Sometimes yes. Betrayal, boundaries, major decisions. Absolutely. But sometimes you're about to ruin your whole darn Thursday because somebody used a tone. Perspective matters. The real power of the pause. What I want you to understand from this is The pause isn't powerful because it makes the emotion disappear. It may not. You may still be angry after five seconds. You may be angrier. This that's where the power is. The power in that is the emotion no longer gets automatic authority over your behavior. That's what we're trying to prevent. You felt it, you acknowledged it, and then you decided what happened next. That's agency. That's taking your power back. From reactive to responsive. Reactive living sounds like they made me angry, so I exploded. They ignored me, so I chased. They criticized me, so I defended. They pulled me away, so I panicked. They pulled away, rather. They were rude, so I became rude. Responsive living sounds like they made me angry and And I chose what to do with my anger. They didn't answer, and I tolerated the uncertainty. They criticized me, and I decided whether the criticism deserved consideration. They crossed a boundary and I enforced the boundary. They tried to provoke me, and I didn't hand them control of my behavior. That's freedom. For the next seven days, I want you all to practice the five-second pause. Not only when you're furious, practice it when someone asks you for something, when you're about to say yes, when you don't want to, when you're about to apologize, when you don't need to, when you're about to defend yourself or about to send that text, when you're about to correct somebody, when you're about to give unsolicited advice. When you're about to respond to a comment you know you shouldn't be responding to, or when you're about to say, I'm fine, pause, do the five seconds, and then ask, what am I feeling? What am I assuming? And what do I want to happen next? And what response would make me proud of myself later? What emotion controls my reactions most often? These are questions that I want you to ask yourself. Sorry, skipping. What situations make me feel powerless? What old wounds get activated most easily? Who can provoke me fastest? Why? What am I usually trying to accomplish when I react? Am I protecting myself? Seeking reassurance? Trying to be understood, trying to regain control, trying to hurt someone back, trying to avoid rejection, what does my reaction usually cost me? What would change if I waited five seconds? Where do I need to move that five seconds to? Maybe five minutes? Maybe I need 24 hours? What relationship might improve if I stopped responding immediately? Where do I need a boundary instead of a reaction? Where do I need communication instead of assumptions? And where do I need curiosity instead of defensiveness? Where do I need silence instead of another explanation? And finally, who could I become if every emotion didn't require an immediate reaction? I want you to sit with that. Maybe peace isn't something we find. Maybe sometimes peace is something we protect. Five seconds at a time. Because there's always gonna be something. There will always be people who irritate us, people who understand us, people who disappoint us, push buttons, people who say things wrong, people who know exactly what button they're pushing. We cannot control that. But maybe healing means fewer people have direct access to those controls. And you can make me angry, but you don't get to decide what I do with my anger. You can disappoint me. But you don't get to decide what I believe about myself. You can disagree with me, but you don't get to force me into defending my existence. You can misunderstand me, but I don't have to spend three hours convincing you. You can send the text, but I decide when I answer. You can throw the bait, I decide whether or not I bite. That's power. Not screaming louder, not having the perfect comeback, not winning the argument. Not getting the last word, sometimes power, looks like five seconds. That's it guys. Thank you. Have a great day. I'll see you next time. Much love to you all. Make sure you're watching the commercials. Check out everybody. Gravesb41: Y'all, let me tell you about one of my favorite little gyms back home in Robinson, Illinois. If you're looking for boutique style that feels good, fits right, and doesn't break the bank, you have to stop by Polished Boutique, owned by my sweet friend, Mindy, and her two friends, Jennifer and Valerie. And it's ran with heart, y'all. Polished is one of those places where you're not just shopping, you're family. From on-trend outfits, cozy everyday staples, statement accessories, and deals that make your wallet smile, Polished has something for every woman, every season of life. So if you're anywhere near Robinson, Illinois, go see Mindy and her girls at Polished Boutique. Tell them Back porch confession sent you. And don't be surprised if you leave feeling a little more confident than when you walked in. Polished Boutique, where style meets heart. Back Porch Confessions: If dry mouth has you constantly reaching for water, listen up because I found something you need to know about, and that is the Rayo Oral Pouch Solutions. They're discreet, easy to use, and designed to help keep your mouth feeling comfortably hydrated without constantly sipping water or grabbing for that piece of candy that hoping it'll help. Just tuck a little pouch in the pocket of your jaw and go about your day. There's no mess, no fuss, it's discreet. Just a simple option for dry mouth relief when you need it. So if dry mouth is driving you crazy, check out the OPS Rio Pouches at Oral Pouch Solutions dot com. Your mouth might just be thanking you for it. Moisture where you need it. OPS Rio, Dry Mouth Pouches, wherever life takes you. Gravesb41: That's a wrap on this episode of Back Porch Confessions. Where the tea is hot, the stories are real, and we never apologize for keeping it honest. Produced and edited by the magic makers over at Zay Media. Until next time, keep your porch talk spicy and your secrets safe, mostly.