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When Did Communication Become About Perfection Instead of Honesty? | Thinking Out Loud · Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly

• Kimberly: When did communication become about perfection instead of honesty? What if you had an understanding problem? Because there's a huge difference. One says find better words. The other says the person listening has already decided not to hear you. That's you being misunderstood. You can't communicate someone into caring. And it isn't about and it isn't about communicating perfectly. It never has been. It's when you realize you can't communicate to someone into caring about you in general. Or you can't communicate someone into caring. Let's record this one. When did communication become about perfection instead of honesty? What if you had an understanding problem? What if you were dealing with an understanding problem? Because there's a huge difference. One says find better words. The other says the person listening has already decided to not hear you, to not understand you, actively misunderstand you. Because there's a story in their own head that they've come to believe. And it isn't about communicating perfectly, it never was. It's when you realize you can't communicate someone into caring. Let's try that one line again. It's when you finally realize you can't communicate someone into caring. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. What if healthy communication Was never about saying things perfectly. What if healthy communication was never about saying things perfectly? What if it's about knowing which thoughts should be spoken and which ones need time and space to be processed first? I think a lot of us were taught that healthy communication means be calm, be respective, use those I statements, baby. What happens when you're angry or hurt or overwhelmed and you shut down, you don't know what to say, except the worst thoughts you have in your head? Or when the other person was never trying to meet you halfway. They were just performing in order to get you back on track. And suddenly communication doesn't feel healthy at all. It feels pressure. It feels like silence. If you don't say any if you don't three, two, one. And if you have nothing to say perfect if you can't say it perfectly, don't bother saying it at all, because your feelings won't count. Does that sound familiar? And if that sounds familiar, let's dissect this. But before we go any further, quick note this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. What does healthy communication mean? I remember feeling like a prisoner with words. Every sentence had to be perfectly measured, perfectly calm, perfectly explained, perfectly timed, and if it wasn't, then somehow my feelings counted less. Despite words being hard sometimes, despite struggling to get my thoughts out clearly, especially when the pressure was high or emotions were already heavy. And d st and these feelings were destabilizing. Hearing why didn't you just say something? Something or you should have communicated better, even though it felt like I had already said it 50 different ways. Not in the exact wording someone else wanted. And yet I was responsible in those dynamics to keep trying despite them actively not becoming better listeners. I think that's where I started to realize sometimes three, two, one. Sometimes people don't want communication. They just want compliance. And I realized it wasn't about being misunderst three, two, one. It wasn't about being understood or understanding each other in those dynamics. It was about being managed. Being controlled and being easy to handle for them so they could feel comfortable. Real communication requires curiosity. It requires someone being willing to pause and ask, What is this person trying to say? Not simply, did they say it in the way that I preferred? That was a painful thing for me to realize. People can care about you and still not have the emotional capacity to truly hold space for you. People can love you and still only know how to hear you through defensiveness, discomfort, and power dynamics. Or power dynamics. Sometimes people only accept communication when it's convenient for them, when it's calm, when it's clean, neat and tidy, when it doesn't challenge them. Honesty is not always comfortable. Especially when someone is expressing hurt. I started realizing healthy communication is less about perfect delivery and more about the effort to understand each other. Trying to connect, trying to relate, being curious about someone instead of assuming you already know them. Because talking a lot doesn't automatically mean someone he three, two, one. Because talking a lot doesn't mean someone feels understood by you. Doesn't mean if you say all these words, you keep talk, talk, talk. Talking, it doesn't mean they feel more understood. And silence doesn't automatically mean someone has nothing to say. It sometimes mean they're just waiting for you to finish. It's wild. I remember having a friend in college who would intentionally give me just the f would give me the freedom to talk. She admitted she struggled with listening sometimes, and often she didn't hear what I had to say, and yet she made me feel three, two, one, and yet she never made me feel like a burden for being chatty. There wasn't this feeling that I had to earn space prior. Then there was my husband. Sometimes he sometimes assumed I was mad when I got silent, when in reality, it had become it was because I finally felt safe enough to not have to fill every silence. And I realized I used to talk so much out of desperation. Desperate to be heard, to prove I had value, to explain myself before being misunderstood, to soothe my own insecurities, to help someone else feel less lonely through my rambles, and sometimes it worked. People listened. I didn't always feel understood though. And that grief hit hard. Because I spent so long trying to improve three, two, one, because I have spent years trying to improve my communication. Trying to articulate myself better, trying to stay calm and regulated, trying to explain myself in healthier ways, and still it was never enough. It was never enough for people who benefited from me keeping myself small and for me being compliant. People still labeled me as too much dramatic, mentally unwell, sensitive, or difficult. And it was hard because every time I went visiting them, I felt like I was eight years old again. I felt like I was 16 years old again. Sometimes missing someone is easier honestly than considering that they might be sometimes missing some Sometimes it's easier though for people to dismiss someone because sometimes dismissing someone f is easier than considering that they might be telling the truth about their pain. Especially if acknowledging that pain would require accountability from the person that's trying to ex Especially if acknowledgement especially if acknowledging that pain would require accountability. I've had to face something uncomfortable about mys I've had to face uncomfortable things about myself too. Sometimes I became so focused on understanding pe Three, two, one. Sometimes I became so focused on understanding people that I accidentally stopped listening to them. I would interrupt, assume what they were feeling, finish their stories in my head before they even finished speaking. Not because I didn't care, because I cared so much that I was trying to predict people instead of fully Hearing them instead of allowing them to have space, allowing them to have moments of uninterrupted pain being communicated. And that was a hard pill for me to swallow because in my pursuit to feel good enough, wanted enough, needed enough, safe enough, valuable enough, around people who were deeply unhappy emotionally, unavailable. reactive, critical, or struggling themselves, I sold it becoming racked Let's go back. And that's a hard pill to swallow because in my pursuit to feel in my pursuit to feel good enough, wanted enough, needed enough, safe enough, valuable enough, especially around people who were deeply unhappy, emotionally unavailable, reactive, critical, or struggling themselves, I started becoming reactive too. I cared deeply. I meant well. I meant well. I really meant well. Sometimes I communicated it so intensely but And tried so hard to understand people that I accidentally robbed them of space to fully express themselves. I think that's something people don't talk about enough. Sometimes over-explaining, over-helping, over-analyzing, and over-communication can come from fear. Fear of being misunderstood, fear of abandonment, fear that if I don't explain myself perfectly, you'll lose connection. Healthy communication does not start with perfect wording. It doesn't start with Always having the right answers, either. I think it starts with the pause before reacting. Listening to learning to listen without immediately preparing a defense. Learning to ask questions instead of assumptions. Learning to let people learning to let people finish. Learning that understanding someone doesn't mean controlling the narrative for them. And learning that being heard and being understood are not always the same thing. It is wild how calm communication feels now with the people I trust. I don't need to say every single thought that every single thought the second I have it. I don't need to say every single thought the second I have it. I don't feel this pressure to overexplain myself anymore. And it's nice. I think part of that came from realizing sometimes I don't need to speak immediately. Sometimes I need time to process first. And sometimes I don't need to say anything. I get to sit with my feelings now. I get to sit with my feelings now long and I get to sit with my feelings long enough to understand what they are before ha before what they are before handing them to another person. I get to sit with my feelings long enough now and I get to understand what they are. Before handing them to another person, because emotions are information. Not every emotional reaction is automatically needing to be communicated. Feelings may be valid, they're not always the truth, though. Emotions happen automatic. We can't really control our emotions in the sense of that they exist, that they are communicating something to us. However, feelings are the beliefs, the stories we tell ourselves to justify our emotions. However, sometimes feelings. Are still forming. Sometimes they're signaling exhaustion, insecurity, grief, fear, and overstimulation. Sometimes they're projections. Projections of our past, projections of our current future, projections of our past. Let's fix that. Projections. There are sometimes projections, whether that's of something we've had experienced before. Uncomfortable feelings of self reflecting on things we're probab might still be ashamed of. Uncomfortable feelings we might no, let's just let's cut this. Sometimes they're projection. Sometimes they're asking for time, not immediate expression. I don't think healthy communication means saying everything you really have. And I really just want to illustrate that. Why I I don't think healthy communication means saying every thought you have, and I really just want to illustrate that. I used to think honesty meant full access, no filter, no pause, no restraint. Now I think there's the difference between honesty and emotional impulsivity. Because saying every thought isn't always honesty. Sometimes it's strong. With tact, with timing, with emotional regulation. And tact is not face. Tact, tact is not face. Because sometimes it's struggling with tact, with timing, with emotional regulation. And I want to be clear: tact is not fake. Tact is understanding that truth still has impact. Sometimes the question isn't: is what I'm saying is true. Sometimes the question is: is this even the right moment to express this? Can your friend who is already drowning in life actually hold space for your big emotions right now? If someone avoids answering the question repeatedly, do you truly need another explanation? Or is the avoidance itself already an answer? If people don't seem interested in your hyperfixation three, two, one. If people don't seem interested in your hyperfixation. If people don't seem interested in your hyperfixation, does that automatically mean you don't care? Does that automatically mean they don't care about you? Or could it just mean this? They also wanted space to talk about the things that bring them joy. I think a lot of us were taught that filtering ourselves mean abandoning ourselves. I don't think that's true anymore. Having a filter isn't always shrinking yourself. Sometimes it's making room for someone else in the conversation too. Because people don't always need the spiciest versions of our emotions. Sometimes a mild version is enough to still be deeply real, deeply loved, deeply understood. Relationships take time to build emotional tolerance with each other. Other. If someone has never had a jalapeno before and you hand them a ghost pepper immediately, it's probably not going to it's three, two, it's probably not gonna end well. It's probably going to overwhelm them and scare them off, and that doesn't mean you're too much. It means closeness develops in layers, trust develops in layers, communication develops in layers too. Rushing intimacy through overexposure, rushing intimacy through overexposure can rob. relationships of depth. Because healthy relationships aren't built through emotional speed runs. They're built through consistency, safety, time, and learning each other slowly. I'm still learning about my husband, and it's been a great ro three, two and my husband and I are still learning about each other, and it's been a great ride, and it's fun that we're gonna continue to get to know each other. Learning how someone hears, how they process, how they respond under stress, and how they repair after conflict. I had to confront with something uncomfortable in myself too. Sometimes I wanted Wanted to be understood more than I wanted to understand others. That loneliness inside of me made me communicate harder, more intensely, more desperately. When I started shifting that, when I stopped treating every thought like it needed immediate validation from others, I became more connected to people, more centered, more grounded, more grounded, more grounded. I realized something surprising. Quiet support often means. more to people than perfect device ever could. Trying to fix everything, analyze everything, to be right all the time, can accidentally make people feel robbed of their own processes. Sometimes people don't need solutions. Sometimes they need room to arrive at their own understanding. I also had to rethink how I viewed venting and involving other people. I used to think talking to anyone outside of the conflict was automatically wrong. Other times I realized there's a difference between seeking perspective perspective and trying and triangulation. There's a difference between help me understand the situation and help me build a case against this person, especially in close-knit communities. Sometimes asking for healthy advice sometimes asking for advice is healthy. Sometimes outside pers 3, 2, 1 sometimes outside perspective, outside perspectives, sometimes outside perspectives helps you recognize blind spots, unhealthy patterns, or emotional reactions you Couldn't see alone. I don't always need to expose or shame someone publicly to ask for guidance. You can seek wisdom without turning people into villains. You can tell the truth without cruelty. I think healthy communication is less about using more words and more about learning how to truly see the person in front of you, to know them, to hold compassion and accountability at the same time. Because sometimes people are drowning, sometimes they are carrying pain you cannot fully see. Sometimes they are reacting from abuse, grief, burnout, fear, or survival mode. Sometimes you become one of the only people in their life. Sometimes you become one of the only stable people in their life. Even then, that doesn't mean you have to drown with them. Sometimes healthy communication looks like distance without abandonment. Not silent treatments, not punishment, recognizing your own limits while still learning the door while still Still leaving the door open for repair when possible. Being willing to throw someone afloaty without jumping so far into the water that you both sink. Emotional release only becomes a healing emotional emotional three, two, one. Emotional release only becomes healing communication, only becomes healing communication when both people have the capacity for it. Otherwise, sometimes what we call communication is unconsented trauma dumps, a cycle of releasing pain without reflection, repair, or accountability afterwards. That cycle can that cycle can keep people emotionally stuck for years. I think healthy communication is often about meeting people where their capacity actually is. Because people don't underst because people don't understand you not because they're malicious because you experience because your experiences literally does not make sense to them sometimes the gap sometimes the gap isn't unwillingness sometimes it's a lack of education lack of exposure lack of emotional tools lack of emotional tools and yes we all have unkind thoughts sometimes sometimes it's lack of education lack lack of exposure lack of emotional tools and yes we all have thoughts Thoughts. Yes, we all have unkind yes. We can have unkind thoughts sometimes. We all have reactive moments. We've all have it. We probably we all have a history of reactive moments. I've learned not every thought deserves a microphone. Because some thoughts are passing reactions. Some are fear talking, some are insecurities, some are pain, trying to protect itself. If if ever If every thought if every thought becomes a speech, sometimes we unintentionally wound the v wound if every thought becomes a speech, sometimes we unintentionally wound the very people we're trying to build closeness with. Even when you communicate thoughtfully, there even when you communicate thoughtfully, there's another part people don't talk about enough. Sometimes people aren't actually trying to communicate. They're trying to regulate themselves, trying to regain a sense of control, protect their ego, to avoid discomfort, to win. Trying to make themselves feel safe, certain, or superior, even if it comes at your expense. Sometimes people ask questions not because they want understanding. Because they're collecting information, collecting evidence, collecting emotional leverage, collecting pieces of the conversation. So they have so they're collecting pieces of the conversation so they can defend themselves later, stay in control, and build a narrative that protects them. Sometimes people are listening, sometimes people aren't listening to hear you at all. They're listening for key they're listening for keywords, listening for moments. moments you say something imperfectly so they can activate the script they already had prepared in their head a defense, a counter argument, a way to avoid accountability, a way to stay right. That makes communication painful sometimes. Because healthy communication only works when both people are willing to participate in good faith, to be transparent, to hold space, to reflect, to tolerate discomfort, to admit they have might to admit they may have missed something. To care about impact, not just intentions. And if someone has resp three, two, one, if someone has repeatedly shown you they do not respect your emotional reality, if your nervous system has years of evidence of that has years of evidence that your feelings will be minimized, ignored, mocked, dismissed, and used against and used against you, then even healthy communication can start feeling impossible. At that point, communication starts Feeling like putting a band-aid on something that actually needs stitches. Words alone cannot repair ongoing patterns of emotional harm. Communication cannot fix repeated neglect. And yes, emotional neglect, and yes, emotional neglect is harmful because neglect is not just nothing happened. Neglect is repeated experiences of your emotional world, not mattering enough to be cared for. There's a difference between someone needing someone or reassurance sometimes. Like I'm overwhelmed right now. Can we revisit this later? Versus someone intentionally instead of versus someone essentially communicating. I hurt. Someone essentially communicating that hurt I cause that hurt I cause you doesn't matter to me. Those are not the same thing. Because how do you build healthy communication with someone who genuinely does not care how their actions affect you? And that's a hard c that's hard to accept. It doesn't automatically make them evil. Someone Someone does not have to be evil to still be hurting for you. Someone can be struggling, wounded, avoidant, emotionally immature, or disconnected. And still create an environment that slowly destroys your sense of safety. And slowly destroys your sense of safety. Because people who truly want understanding usually want repair too. They want to learn. They want to reconnect. They want to know they were miss. They want to know where they missed the mark. People who emotionally People who are emotionally healthy and thriving often self-reflect before you even have to fully explain it. They notice your hurt, they care that it c they care that they caused it. They pause and think, wait, I can see how that affected you. Not necessarily perfectly, not instantly every time. There is an effort though. There's curiosity and accountability. People who are struggling and still care usually make an effort too, even if they stumble while learning. because caring people still try, even if they don't always get it right immediately. Sometimes there comes a point where continuing to explain yourself starts costing you more than the relationship it's instead of and starts costing you more starts costing you more than the relationship it is instead of c starts costing you more than the relationship it is giving back. And that's when communication has to shift into boundaries because we all have limits. Sometimes healthy communication looks like, nope, I'm not repeating myself again. Nope, I'm not repeating myself again. I've already explained it. I understand you don't see it that same way. I understand you don't see it the same way. I'm not going to keep fighting to prove my reality. And sometimes boundaries are even quieter than that. Sometimes you simply don't overexplain. You stop chasing, you stop begging to be understood, stop reopening conversations that only leave you emotionally bleeding afterwards. Communication is supposed to be an exchange, not an app not a performance. Not a performance. Many of us end up trying to communicate people into understanding us, trying to communicate people into empathy, into accountability, into caring. And that's not something communication alone can do, because sometimes clarity itself gets rejected. Because accepting it would require someone to confront something themselves. Accountability can feel threatening to people who are not ready for it. I remember struggling with accountability myself, especially when my intentions were good. It's uncomfortable realizing, however, you can deeply mean well and still hurt someone in the process. It doesn't always understand it's not I didn't always understand the the damage I was causing. When I came so de when I became so desperate to be understood that I centered my pain on everyone else's emotional capacity. I centered my own pain over everyone else's emotional capacity. And eventually I realized something heartbreaking. Repeating yourself endlessly can become emotional self-erasure. I was begging. I was begging. I was begging. Over and over. See me. Choose me. Keep me. Don't abandon me. And in the process I was abandoning myself. Staying in spaces where I was constantly staying in spaces where I had to constantly fight to be heard. Trying to understand people who didn't actually want connection. They wanted control. Or sometimes they simply did not have the emotional capacity to meet me where I was. And those are two different things. Both can still hurt. Sometimes healthy communication is realizing the conversation is no longer productive. And I think that's where a lot of people get stuck. I get it. A lot of us getting stuck. I get a lot of us getting I think a lot of us get stuck believing. I think a lot of us get stuck believing. I think a lot of us get stuck believing. If I can just say it the right way, then finally I'll be understood. So we keep explaining, reword rewording. We keep explaining, rewording, overexplaining, trying softer words, trying calmer words, trying smarter words, trying to make our pain easier to digest. Sometimes without realizing it, we end up doing the opposite. Because not every situation needs more communication. Sometimes it needs less. It needs firmness. I had to learn that with communication. Less is often more. Because sometimes people genuinely struggle to process complex emotional. Sometimes people genuinely struggle to process complex emotional conversations. Sometimes it isn't unwillingness. Sometimes it's lack of education, lack of emotional tools, lack of capacity, lack of awareness. That doesn't automatically make someone bad. It also doesn't mean you have endless exhaust it does not mean you have to endlessly exhaust yourself trying to bridge a gap they are not currently capable of crossing. Sometimes the healthiest change in communication is stepping back, letting your boundaries communicate for you. Because boundaries are communication too. Access to you is not automatic. No is a complete sentence. You do not owe someone a detailed explanation of your limits. Sometimes boundaries sound like I'm not discussing this right now. I need space before continuing this conversation. I'm not comfortable with that. I've already explained my perspective. I'm not available for conversations where I'm being insulted. We can talk when we're both calmer. Or even I care about you. I cannot carry this for you anymore. Sometimes boundaries are even quieter than words not answering immediately, not over explaining, not chasing people who not chasing people who keep withdrawing from accountability, not reopening wounds that never truly heal. Because boundaries are not punishment, they are protection. Protection for you, protection for your well being, protection for the relationship, protection against resentment growing so large that eventually the relationship collapsed underneath its walls. weight all. Protection. Protection against resentment growing so large that eventually the relationship collapsed under its weight anyway. I think a lot of people struggle with boundaries because they confuse unconditional tolerance with love. We think loving me we think loving someone means enduring everything endlessly. No limits, no space, no consequences. That isn't healthy love. That's self erasure Walking away can be healthy. Silence can be healthy. Not s ness not the silent treatment meant to punish or manipulate, but healthy silence. And that does not include estrangement. That does not include going no contact for the purpose of peace for yourself. The kind The kind that gives space for reflection, for nervous systems to settle, for emotions to stop escalating. Sometimes closure is another conversation. Sometimes closure is accepting where someone is emotionally, accepting what they are capable of giving, accepting they are willing, accepting what they are unwilling to face, and sometimes stepping back actually saves relationships. Sometimes distance give people room to grow, room to self reflect. Room to realize what they could not see while catching room to realize what they could not see while c room to realize what they cannot see while caught in defensiveness or emotionally overwhelmed. Because when people are not ready to hear your truth or hold your feelings, it can feel deeply personal, like rejection. It was never your job to convince people to care. You cannot force people you cannot force emotional red you cannot force emotional reedness. You cannot force empathy. You cannot force someone to value the things you value. Sometimes relationships end not because either person is evil, because the relationship is no longer safe for one or both people to fully be themselves inside of it. Healthy communication was never about saying everything perfectly. People who genuinely want understanding will truly try most of the time. People who want accountability will refr people who want to be accountable will reflect. People who care about repair will make effort even if it's imperfectly. Even if they stumble. Even if they regress. They will still try. Sometimes people are drowning themselves emotionally. And if you're drowning too, both people can end up pulling each other under, just trying to make one moment just to get one. Both people can end up pulling each other under, just trying to get one moment of air, hurting each other more and more in survival mode, until eventu hurting each other more and more in survival mode. Until eventually the damage becomes irreversible. I think part of healthy communication is recognizing when connection is possible. When the strongest, when the healthiest thing you can do is stop trying to force it. So when instead of trying to force it, when did communication become about perfection instead of honesty? I think somewhere along the way, a lot of us stopped seeing communication as connection and started treating it as a performance. If we found the perfect wording, the perfect tone, the perfect timing, then maybe we would finally be heard, finally chosen, finally understood. Healthy communication was never supposed to be about perfection. It was supposed to be honesty with care, trust with accountability, listening with curiosity, boundaries with compassion. Maybe one of the hardest things to accept is that communication alone cannot create safety where safety does not exist. You cannot force someone to understand you. You cannot someone force emotional maturity. You cannot force empathy. Sometimes no amount of explaining will reach someone who has already decided not to hear you. That does not mean your feelings are invalid. It does not mean you failed at communication. Sometimes the healthiest communication Is the moment you stop abandoning yourself, trying to convince someone else to care. Sometimes it's the pause before reacting. Sometimes it's saying less. Sometimes it's apologizing. Sometimes it's realizing you hurt someone even when you met well. Sometimes it's letting people have their own voice instead of trying to control the narrative for them. Sometimes it's setting boundaries. Sometimes it's distance and letting go. And sometimes it's leaving the conversation. conversation entirely. And most importantly, sometimes healthy communication is simply finding the people you no longer have to perform healthy communication around to feel emotionally safe. People who don't require perfection to hear your humanity. People who are people who want to hear and understand you. People are willing to repair, reflect, learn, pause, try again with you. I don't think healthy communication is. about never struggling. I think it's about happin I think it's about what happens after the struggle, the willingness to reflect, willingness to care about impact, willing to keep learning about each other instead of trying to win. And maybe the real question is not maybe the real question isn't did I say this perfectly? But Did I communicate in a way that stayed connected to both honesty and humanity? And this is where we ⁓ things listening to my wimbos.