Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / Conflict, Boundaries & HARD CONVERSATIONS: Our HOW TO GUIDE ✨

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Conflict, Boundaries & HARD CONVERSATIONS: Our HOW TO GUIDE ✨ · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashley
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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
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Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
0:30
Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to another episode of She Rises
0:33
Speaker 1: Monday Morning. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome. Today's conversation is going to
0:37
Speaker 1: be all about hard conversations, conflict, boundaries, standards, how to
0:44
Speaker 1: have them, tips we've learned along the way, how early
0:47
Speaker 1: into them, what happens when you avoid them, and everything
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Speaker 1: in between. So this is a requested video. We actually
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Speaker 1: did a little post in the she Rises community page
0:56
Speaker 1: and someone put this, I think actually two people did,
0:59
Speaker 1: and it's just a common theme in our dms of like,
1:01
Speaker 1: got to have this conversation with this person, how would
1:03
Speaker 1: you deal with this? And it's something unfortun all of
1:06
Speaker 1: us have to do. We all have to have a
1:08
Speaker 1: hard conversations. We're all learning how to have stronger boundaries,
1:11
Speaker 1: how to learn when people are crossing them and not
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Speaker 1: respecting them. So we're going to dive deep to that today.
1:16
Speaker 1: Good stuff. Yeah, but first of all, can entry Share
1:19
Speaker 1: of the Week.
1:19
Speaker 2: Yes, you want to go?
1:20
Speaker 1: Okay, I'll go first. So we just stopped into one
1:23
Speaker 1: of our favorite cafes here in Brisbane. It's called Evera,
1:26
Speaker 1: and I really love it because once it's a little
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Speaker 1: health food shop. We've got little bits and pieces, like
1:31
Speaker 1: you can get your raw organic chocolate's there, organic meats, passes, sauces,
1:35
Speaker 1: some supplements, it's got smoothies, it's got coffees, and then
1:38
Speaker 1: it's got this buffet of food and the potatoes are
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Speaker 1: cooked in tallow and it's all healthy meats. Look, the
1:44
Speaker 1: breakfast I don't love that much, but the lunch is
1:47
Speaker 1: next level. So you just choose a tray and then
1:50
Speaker 1: you ask you choose whatever bits and pieces you want.
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Speaker 1: They have a whole fruit buffet and just it's so
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Speaker 1: delicious and it's so healthy. It's good that there's a
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Speaker 1: real healthy option that you get to pick exactly what
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Speaker 1: you want.
2:00
Speaker 2: The food is insane and really are so good and
2:02
Speaker 2: it's so different from anything else that you can buy around. Yeah,
2:05
Speaker 2: fast food, it's all clean. You can have as much
2:07
Speaker 2: as little as you want, and it's literally cooked in
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Speaker 2: such good stuff that's so light on your tummy, it
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Speaker 2: really is.
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Speaker 1: That's my recommendation.
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Speaker 2: Ever, I love the recommendation. So my share of the
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Speaker 2: week is my sister Chantelle. So she is a health
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Speaker 2: and fitness coach and she is honestly, she's got three kids,
2:23
Speaker 2: she looks incredible. She has gone through a whole journey
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Speaker 2: of like binge eating, and she's like really good in
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Speaker 2: terms of binge eating and food swaps and all that
2:31
Speaker 2: sort of stuff. And I recently asked her. I was like, hey,
2:33
Speaker 2: can you help me with like my food and stuff
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Speaker 2: like that helped me create like a bit of a
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Speaker 2: plan so I can eat a little bit more high protein,
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Speaker 2: high fat, that sort of thing. So I'm going to
2:41
Speaker 2: go on that journey with her very soon. And I've
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Speaker 2: done it before with her once before when we were
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Speaker 2: really young, and I just remember feeling so good. So yeah,
2:48
Speaker 2: I would recommend her, especially if you're a mum, if
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Speaker 2: you're maybe on the journey of pregnancy, or you're wanting
2:54
Speaker 2: just a little bit more support with binge eating or
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Speaker 2: food or weight loss or anything like that. In the
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Speaker 2: mindset around it. I think that's the biggest part. She's
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Speaker 2: really good in terms of that as well. So you
3:02
Speaker 2: can find her at Chantal Green Coaching. H A N
3:06
Speaker 2: T E. L. Gruble E N Coaching.
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Speaker 1: It really is amazing. All right, let's get straight into it.
3:15
Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about how to deal with conflict.
3:18
Speaker 1: Like I said before, this is something all of us
3:20
Speaker 1: have to deal with, whether it's with your partner, friendships,
3:23
Speaker 1: co workers, people on the street, literally anyone. So I
3:28
Speaker 1: want to talk about a podcast I listened to the
3:31
Speaker 1: other day with Stephen Bartlett and his name was Jefferson
3:34
Speaker 1: Fisher and he is a lawyer and his dad was
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Speaker 1: a lawyer and his grandpa was a lawyer, and they've
3:41
Speaker 1: really hard to learn how to communicate because in a
3:43
Speaker 1: court battle you have to know how to communicate properly
3:45
Speaker 1: and effectively and be quick on your feet and understand
3:49
Speaker 1: other humans and human psychology and read body language. And
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Speaker 1: he was really really great, but he said just one
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Speaker 1: thing that really stood out for me, and it was
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Speaker 1: like a three step process. When someone attacks you, so
4:01
Speaker 1: someone's color at you. Yeah, it was really really powerful.
4:05
Speaker 1: So the first step is so say something nasty to me,
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Speaker 1: really nasty. You're a bitch? Sorry? Can you just repeat
4:15
Speaker 1: that for me?
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Speaker 2: You're a bitch?
4:18
Speaker 1: Thank you thanks to letting me know that. So the
4:20
Speaker 1: first step is to breathe, because when you breathe one,
4:24
Speaker 1: you're calming down your nervous system. It's telling your body
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Speaker 1: that it's safe. It's just words. A tiger's not going
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Speaker 1: to attack you. It also allows space for it to land.
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Speaker 1: So it allows space for the person's attacked you to
4:37
Speaker 1: realize what they've said. Holy fuck. If I just said
4:39
Speaker 1: that and then asking them to repeat it, they don't
4:42
Speaker 1: want to say it again. No, they fucking know what
4:44
Speaker 1: they're saying is not right and not nice. So getting
4:47
Speaker 1: them to say it again, he said, a lot of
4:49
Speaker 1: the time they go, oh, I didn't mean to say that,
4:51
Speaker 1: or you're a bitch. If they say it again with ease,
4:54
Speaker 1: you're thanking them. You're thanking them for showing you who
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Speaker 1: they are, where they're at, and how little respect they
5:00
Speaker 1: have for you. Oh shit, you're not going to give
5:03
Speaker 1: time and energy try to have a conversation with someone
5:06
Speaker 1: that has made up their mind about you and that
5:08
Speaker 1: does not know how to have an effective conversation Wow.
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Speaker 1: So it's breathe, let it land, allow it to be there,
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Speaker 1: ask them to repeat it, and then thank them.
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Speaker 2: Wow that at the end of the episode, that's all
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Speaker 2: you need.
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Speaker 1: So powerful. Whereas most of the time if someone attacks us,
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Speaker 1: our nervous system thinks we're getting attacked and we have
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Speaker 1: to run or react and bite back, and then we
5:30
Speaker 1: normally say something we don't mean. It's just this back
5:32
Speaker 1: and forth fight that we get into that doesn't solve anything.
5:36
Speaker 1: But that big breath is just so powerful, and we
5:39
Speaker 1: forget to breathe when we're in that heightened state. It's true,
5:42
Speaker 1: and then it ends up blowing up. I'm like, what
5:43
Speaker 1: the fuck are you fighting about? Why is it's worth it?
5:45
Speaker 1: Or if you just think there's no way to resolve
5:48
Speaker 1: with that person, then you thank them, you walk away.
5:50
Speaker 1: You have your boundary there on standard of how you're
5:53
Speaker 1: going to be treated and what you're going to allow
5:54
Speaker 1: into your space. And I won't allow that in my
5:57
Speaker 1: space anymore. I'm not going to entertain that.
5:59
Speaker 2: You know what a powerful and like simple process, Right,
6:02
Speaker 2: that's so good. Even when you said like say I
6:05
Speaker 2: was like, you're a bitch, and then you like say
6:07
Speaker 2: it again, I had this internal resistance. I was like, yeah,
6:09
Speaker 2: now I know that this is happening in a role play.
6:13
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, I don't want to say it again. No,
6:15
Speaker 2: it's so interesting the response that I had, Yeah, you like,
6:18
Speaker 2: can you say that again? I was like, oh shit.
6:20
Speaker 1: I'm sure if everyone just took a moment, even if
6:22
Speaker 1: you pause this podcast now and think of a moment
6:25
Speaker 1: that you've done that or someone's come at you, if
6:28
Speaker 1: you had to ask them to repeat it, they probably wouldn't,
6:30
Speaker 1: or if they did, then it's an easy cut of like,
6:33
Speaker 1: we're not gonna I'm not gonna engage in this. Yeah,
6:35
Speaker 1: when you're speaking to me like that and you're throwing
6:37
Speaker 1: those attacks at me so easily that you think it's
6:39
Speaker 1: okay and acceptable, Yeah no, you don't even have to
6:42
Speaker 1: explain that, just thanking thems enough and then you walk away.
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Speaker 2: What you said. The lack of respect part really hit
6:47
Speaker 2: home is like, if someone is willing to say that
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Speaker 2: to you again and be willing to stand in that
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Speaker 2: without correcting themselves, it really does highlight to you where
6:55
Speaker 2: they're at and how they feel about.
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Speaker 1: You literally, and then it leads into if you're wanting
7:00
Speaker 1: to resolve conflict and have an effective kind conversation. And
7:04
Speaker 1: you ask them to repeat it and they can't, then
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Speaker 1: it's like, okay, let's get into really how you're feeling.
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Speaker 1: What's underneath that first initial comment, I've upset you? Yeah,
7:13
Speaker 1: can you please help me understand how I've upset you?
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Speaker 1: And get them to talk, get them to explain it,
7:17
Speaker 1: go deeper than the surface level reaction.
7:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and what caused you to feel that way?
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Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's kind of how I'm trying to deal
7:24
Speaker 1: with conflict these days. Yeah. That was really powerful, And
7:27
Speaker 1: I think before you go into any conversation that could
7:31
Speaker 1: be conflict and hard and the other person's disregulated or
7:35
Speaker 1: you're disregulated, that's the first thing to do, is like
7:37
Speaker 1: checking where you're actually at. Yeah, don't go into a
7:39
Speaker 1: heavy conversation if you're disregulated. You can be nervous. Of course,
7:43
Speaker 1: you're going to be a little bit like off center
7:45
Speaker 1: because it's uncomfortable. But take some big breaths, going with
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Speaker 1: your facts, going with clear clarity of what you're going
7:53
Speaker 1: in there for your intentions, the outcome that you want,
7:55
Speaker 1: and making sure that you're allowing both people to be heard.
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Speaker 1: That's my intention when I go into a hard conversation,
8:01
Speaker 1: it's not about being right. Is that resolving this and
8:04
Speaker 1: both of us being so we can walk away feeling
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Speaker 1: we've either made a compromise or we've reconnected, even if
8:10
Speaker 1: we can't agree or come to a solution. There's no attacking,
8:13
Speaker 1: there's no point in the finger, there's no escalating it
8:16
Speaker 1: where it's going to break out relationship or bond or trust.
8:19
Speaker 1: But yeah, it's obviously easier than done. But I feel
8:22
Speaker 1: like hearing this and having that awareness you can go
8:24
Speaker 1: in and do better. And the more you practice this,
8:26
Speaker 1: easier it does get. Yeah, the more normal it feels.
8:30
Speaker 1: There was a lot of us. I know for me
8:31
Speaker 1: growing up, it was just in a household yelling. Yeah,
8:33
Speaker 1: so I felt normal to yell. And then I got
8:35
Speaker 1: to a point I was like, this doesn't feel nice
8:36
Speaker 1: and I want to have conflict like this. It can
8:39
Speaker 1: be done differently. So that's my take on it. So good.
8:42
Speaker 1: I love that.
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Speaker 2: I think there will be a lot of people who
8:44
Speaker 2: be able to take that away and go, wow, this
8:46
Speaker 2: is something I can actually implement. I can get really
8:50
Speaker 2: good at.
8:51
Speaker 1: Go write it down like that three step process and
8:54
Speaker 1: just remembering to have clarity and an intention behind the
8:57
Speaker 1: conversation really important.
8:59
Speaker 2: It's a huge thing, isn't it. Conflict is an interesting thing.
9:03
Speaker 2: It can be such a challenging thing to want to
9:05
Speaker 2: and I know a lot of us tend to like
9:06
Speaker 2: avoid shy away from run and just like really don't enjoy, Yes,
9:12
Speaker 2: we really don't enjoy the discomfort that comes up with
9:14
Speaker 2: having to confront someone. And I know, like a lot
9:18
Speaker 2: of the times it does stem from, you know, wanting
9:20
Speaker 2: to preserve that relationship soon to be abandoned, you know.
9:23
Speaker 2: And this is something we even spoke about earlier this
9:25
Speaker 2: morning where it was like it's really important to get
9:28
Speaker 2: clear on what your goal is with the relationship, Like
9:30
Speaker 2: it doesn't matter whether it's conflict, a fight, or something
9:32
Speaker 2: that you're not okay with. This is how I like
9:35
Speaker 2: to do it is to like think about what your
9:37
Speaker 2: actual goal and intention is for the friendship or the
9:39
Speaker 2: relationship and they go, Okay, what's my best case scenario outcome?
9:43
Speaker 2: What do I want for this? Do I want to preserve?
9:46
Speaker 2: Do I want to build? Do I want to keep
9:49
Speaker 2: this friendship really close and type or this relationship and
9:52
Speaker 2: nurture it? Because that's when you'll get your answer, because
9:56
Speaker 2: when you want to do those things, you've got to
9:58
Speaker 2: be willing to have hard conversations in order to nurture
10:02
Speaker 2: it you do. People actually have the opposite perspective, will
10:05
Speaker 2: think if I bring this up to them, I'm going
10:06
Speaker 2: to push them away. And it's not to say that
10:09
Speaker 2: it doesn't happen, because it does. Some people can't hold
10:12
Speaker 2: you in it, but there are going to be times
10:14
Speaker 2: with the right people who when you bring things in
10:17
Speaker 2: it's going to bring you closer. And so you've got
10:19
Speaker 2: to be willing to check with yourself around what your
10:22
Speaker 2: intention is and whether you know this potential little tif
10:25
Speaker 2: that you're about to have is worth you being able
10:28
Speaker 2: to create deeper connection in the future, which the ninety
10:31
Speaker 2: nine point nine percent of the time it always is.
10:34
Speaker 2: And I think that's something to just keep in mind.
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Speaker 1: I love that. Another thing I learned a couple of
10:39
Speaker 1: weeks ago from Steve was there was something that happened
10:41
Speaker 1: that fell back on my name even though I had
10:44
Speaker 1: nothing to do with and I really was expecting and
10:48
Speaker 1: hoping this person would come to me and apologize because
10:51
Speaker 1: I kind of had to take the flack of it. Yeah,
10:53
Speaker 1: and I didn't want to go in asking for that.
10:56
Speaker 1: I didn't want to go in to feel attacked, so
10:58
Speaker 1: I just decided to avoid and sweet and Steve was like,
11:01
Speaker 1: why don't you lead in there with curiosity? I was like,
11:04
Speaker 1: but how And he's like, well, I would personally go
11:06
Speaker 1: on and be like, oh my gosh, how are you
11:08
Speaker 1: da da how's about that thing that happened? How did
11:10
Speaker 1: you feel? Because I haven't had the chance to speak
11:12
Speaker 1: to you about it yet? And I was like, wow,
11:14
Speaker 1: that is such an easy solution, genius, because I'm like,
11:17
Speaker 1: you're not going in there attacking, You're not going there
11:19
Speaker 1: demanding or criticizing. You're saying, hey, what came up for you?
11:22
Speaker 1: And it just opens the conversation to have this conversation
11:25
Speaker 1: of like holy shit, yeah shit went down, Yeah fuck,
11:28
Speaker 1: I'm sorry about that. Oh gosh, I don't know how
11:30
Speaker 1: I feel about it. And you can see where they're
11:31
Speaker 1: at and you'll be able to gauge and then lead
11:34
Speaker 1: the conversation from there. I was like, Wow, that's really cool.
11:37
Speaker 1: Have I had the conversation yet? Not yet, but I
11:40
Speaker 1: would get to that.
11:41
Speaker 2: It was a great idea.
11:41
Speaker 1: It was a great idea.
11:43
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is yes, and I'm going to put out
11:44
Speaker 2: the bottom of my to do list.
11:46
Speaker 1: It's like, you know, it's amazing and I would definitely
11:49
Speaker 1: use that. And now it's amazing brave enough to lean
11:52
Speaker 1: in and actually have that conversation. I did it yesterdays too.
11:54
Speaker 1: You put me up to do something. Yeah, You're like,
11:56
Speaker 1: you're avoiding, you're avoiding.
11:58
Speaker 2: Yeah.
11:58
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, I know, but it's don't one
11:59
Speaker 1: that person feeling uncomfortable and I don't want to feeling
12:02
Speaker 1: stressed about this, and da da da, You're like, yeah,
12:03
Speaker 1: but you're avoiding it. It's not the point of it.
12:06
Speaker 1: You need to go in and you love this person,
12:08
Speaker 1: you have respect for them, and you want to preserve
12:10
Speaker 1: that relationship. You value transparency, do the thing. Yeah, I
12:15
Speaker 1: did it last night. Great. It was as scary as
12:18
Speaker 1: what it was. And we have to also look within
12:20
Speaker 1: of why we're doing that. So for me, it's I'm
12:22
Speaker 1: scared of being abandoned. I want to give and provide
12:26
Speaker 1: and save and do all these things because I think
12:28
Speaker 1: that that's how people love me, and it's a pattern
12:30
Speaker 1: of mine. So I get scared if I speak up
12:32
Speaker 1: or I don't provide, or I don't do something like
12:35
Speaker 1: that that they're going to leave or they're not going
12:36
Speaker 1: to love me. I know it's not the truth, but
12:39
Speaker 1: it's rewinding my brain and having the experiences and evidence
12:42
Speaker 1: that it's safe to speak up and have those conversations.
12:45
Speaker 1: And it's also good practice for me because it's how
12:47
Speaker 1: I deliver the conversation is where it's gonna matter. Yeah,
12:50
Speaker 1: you know, it's a big part of it.
12:52
Speaker 2: Yes, it's a cool thing that the delivery is the
12:54
Speaker 2: big part because it's like you, because we make it
12:56
Speaker 2: such a big thing in our heads. We go, oh,
12:58
Speaker 2: this has to be such a huge conversation. You need
13:00
Speaker 2: to sit down for two and a half hours and
13:02
Speaker 2: unpack this and dissect it. As opposed to something that's
13:05
Speaker 2: really benefited me and like I could never have hard
13:08
Speaker 2: conversations before. Was the biggest people pleaser. I'ld avoid everything.
13:11
Speaker 2: And then it got to a point where I'm like, Okay,
13:14
Speaker 2: how can I have this conversation in the most casual
13:16
Speaker 2: way possible. How can I keep it light, just a
13:19
Speaker 2: casual conversation. And I think something that's really helped me,
13:22
Speaker 2: which was really hard thing to do it first actually
13:25
Speaker 2: was to think about the other person first. In any
13:29
Speaker 2: given situation. And I'm not saying that I'm perfect to
13:31
Speaker 2: this by any means. My last relationship I really struggled
13:34
Speaker 2: with this, But in friendships and stuff like that, I
13:37
Speaker 2: think immediately hearing, validating and acknowledging what the other person
13:41
Speaker 2: is feeling or going through immediately creates connection and safety
13:45
Speaker 2: because you're like, hey, fucking here for you, in this
13:49
Speaker 2: with you, and regardless of how I'm feeling right now,
13:52
Speaker 2: like I just want you to know I see you.
13:53
Speaker 1: Yes.
13:54
Speaker 2: And I think that in itself creates this.
13:57
Speaker 1: I can like breathe.
13:58
Speaker 2: An exhale and relax and then immediately you get the
14:02
Speaker 2: best of them because you've given the best view. And
14:06
Speaker 2: I think so that kind of like that selfless act
14:09
Speaker 2: in that moment to go, I'm going to lean into
14:11
Speaker 2: you first instead of expecting you to lean into me.
14:15
Speaker 2: Then we will create the cycle of creating that safety
14:18
Speaker 2: for each other.
14:19
Speaker 1: Oh, I absolutely love that.
14:20
Speaker 2: There's actually a really good book that I would recommend.
14:22
Speaker 2: It's called Nonviolent Communication. I'm not actually sure who it's by,
14:25
Speaker 2: but if you type it up, it'll come up. This
14:28
Speaker 2: helped me find a really simple framework of being able
14:31
Speaker 2: to have nonviolent communication in any high conflict situation.
14:35
Speaker 1: Or I love a good framework.
14:36
Speaker 2: And so it was like a simple three step process
14:39
Speaker 2: something like fact, feeling and resolution. So at that before, Yeah,
14:44
Speaker 2: I made my own kind of version of it. It's
14:46
Speaker 2: like a five step process. It has those in it,
14:48
Speaker 2: but in my own way and added steps I think
14:51
Speaker 2: are really beneficial that have really helped my clients. But
14:54
Speaker 2: this simple process is, whenever you're going into a situation,
14:58
Speaker 2: before you communicate, go in with a plan. Never go
15:01
Speaker 2: in on an emotional high, when you're dysregulated and your
15:04
Speaker 2: guns are bla and you're ready to throw hands. Right,
15:07
Speaker 2: write it down on a piece of paper, what the
15:09
Speaker 2: facts are of the situation. So what specifically happened for
15:14
Speaker 2: this to create this problem?
15:16
Speaker 1: Right?
15:16
Speaker 2: Not how you feel, but what happened this person didn't
15:21
Speaker 2: do the dishes right? And then you go into kay.
15:24
Speaker 2: Once you've got the facts, you then go into the feeling.
15:27
Speaker 2: How did when XYZ happen? How did that make me feel?
15:31
Speaker 2: And not I feel XYZ because he did blah blah blah.
15:34
Speaker 2: It's in that moment I felt unsafe. In that moment,
15:38
Speaker 2: I felt disrespected. In that moment, I felt dismissed. Those
15:42
Speaker 2: would be good examples. Yeah, and then you go into resolution.
15:45
Speaker 2: So instead of saying to the other person, why didn't
15:48
Speaker 2: you fucking do xyz? You made me feel this, you're saying,
15:52
Speaker 2: next time when something like this happens, do you think
15:54
Speaker 2: that I could request a view to show up as XYZ?
15:59
Speaker 2: So instead of you sitting on the lounge and not
16:01
Speaker 2: doing the dishes when you've promised me that you would,
16:03
Speaker 2: would you mind next time making sure that the dishes
16:06
Speaker 2: are done before I'm home. What you're doing is you're
16:08
Speaker 2: looking for the solution, and you're immediately going to the solution,
16:12
Speaker 2: as opposed to saying stuck in the problem.
16:15
Speaker 1: Oh I love that. That's really cool. I also love
16:17
Speaker 1: what you said before about how to make things really casual. Yeah.
16:20
Speaker 1: I remember Brian Rees, our first relationship coach. He said,
16:24
Speaker 1: a good way to approach, especially a man that is
16:28
Speaker 1: really uncomfortable having hard conversations. I suppose anyone who doesn't
16:32
Speaker 1: like hard conversations is doing in the car when they're driving.
16:34
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Because sometimes when you sit someone down, I've
16:37
Speaker 1: got to have a conversation with you, it's immediately wards
16:39
Speaker 1: are up, well, immediately they're scared, Immediately they've shut down
16:42
Speaker 1: because I feel like you're going to criticize them, they're
16:44
Speaker 1: a trouble or whatever. Interview it feels like that, or
16:47
Speaker 1: in interrogation is when you're casually driving, it was like, hey, gosh,
16:50
Speaker 1: remember that thing that happened the other day. I don't know,
16:52
Speaker 1: I'm just not really sad about that. Do you think
16:54
Speaker 1: I'm up for you? And because they're driving, they know
16:56
Speaker 1: you're there, they're present because they're driving, but it just
16:59
Speaker 1: takes away that intensity. Yes, it allows to be more
17:02
Speaker 1: a casual, flowy conversation. You'll find the personal open not
17:05
Speaker 1: a lot more. And I use this technique with Steve
17:07
Speaker 1: for a little while. He's a lot better just approaching
17:09
Speaker 1: and having conversations with these days, but back when he wasn't,
17:13
Speaker 1: it was a really good tool that I could just use.
17:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, so smart, that's really cool. It's like how
17:19
Speaker 2: men talk shoulder to shoulder but women talk face to face.
17:22
Speaker 1: Yeah he heard of that.
17:22
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I've spoken about it.
17:24
Speaker 1: I have heard that before.
17:25
Speaker 2: When I did this with one of my ex partners,
17:27
Speaker 2: we would go to like something like Springbrook, Yeah, and
17:30
Speaker 2: whenever we had a big conversation we need to have,
17:32
Speaker 2: and we would walk it out for a few hours
17:33
Speaker 2: and we would walk and talk. That's cool, And it
17:36
Speaker 2: was the best thing because we didn't have to sit
17:37
Speaker 2: like what you were just saying out of nature, you're
17:40
Speaker 2: moving your energy, so you're not getting caught up in it.
17:42
Speaker 2: You're not stagnant in your conversation or your energy.
17:44
Speaker 1: That's cool. Yeah, I really love that for me too.
17:47
Speaker 2: I think a huge thing around boundaries that people struggle
17:49
Speaker 2: with is not knowing first where a boundary lies. And
17:52
Speaker 2: I think in order to know where a boundary lies,
17:54
Speaker 2: you need to know what your standards are, right. You
17:56
Speaker 2: need to know what it is that you will accept,
17:59
Speaker 2: what it is that you won't accept behavior that is
18:02
Speaker 2: either acceptable or something that you're not willing to talk
18:05
Speaker 2: rate in your life. I think that's a really important
18:07
Speaker 2: thing to kind of have an already awareness of, like
18:10
Speaker 2: this feels good for me, this doesn't.
18:12
Speaker 1: I'd love to hear your opinion on this, because it
18:13
Speaker 1: gets very great for me. It's the difference between boundaries
18:16
Speaker 1: and standards, because sometimes I feel like I allow boundaries
18:21
Speaker 1: to be crossed and then to question myself if I
18:24
Speaker 1: just have really low standards in some relationships and I'm like, oh,
18:28
Speaker 1: but is it a boundary or is it, oh, my
18:30
Speaker 1: standards too high and expectations, oh, expects, Yeah, the boundary
18:33
Speaker 1: standards and expectations. You expect someone to show up a
18:36
Speaker 1: certain way because you've got a boundary in place. But
18:38
Speaker 1: then I your expectations too high, your standards too high?
18:41
Speaker 1: But that's my boundary. Then should I lower my expectations
18:43
Speaker 1: because everyone's different and everyone's showing up the best they can.
18:47
Speaker 1: It be so hard on them, But it's still a
18:48
Speaker 1: boundary for me, So it doesn't feel good. Yeah, I
18:50
Speaker 1: get really blurry on all of that. So how would
18:53
Speaker 1: you coach me to be more clear on all of those?
18:56
Speaker 2: I think the first I mean this is, at least
18:58
Speaker 2: in my interpretation of it all, the way that I
19:01
Speaker 2: like to understand it is that expectation is essentially the
19:04
Speaker 2: way that you would behave in any given situation. So
19:07
Speaker 2: your expectation of other people is often high because you
19:10
Speaker 2: often hold yourself to a high standard. So like, you know, say,
19:13
Speaker 2: we've had conversations like this before in the past of loyalty,
19:16
Speaker 2: friendship and loyalty, where like why didn't that person do
19:19
Speaker 2: X y Z, Because if I were in that situation.
19:21
Speaker 1: Would never do that.
19:22
Speaker 2: I would never do that. So the expectation is like
19:25
Speaker 2: a standard from self, so like I would do what
19:28
Speaker 2: you're not doing. And then a standard is that's where
19:32
Speaker 2: you get to discern, Okay, this is either tolerable or
19:35
Speaker 2: not tolerable, so something I'll allow or something I won't allow.
19:39
Speaker 2: So this is where you discern the line between acceptable, healthy,
19:43
Speaker 2: what I want in my life versus not healthy, not acceptable,
19:47
Speaker 2: and something I don't want in my life. Right then
19:50
Speaker 2: the boundary is placed based off your standard. And a
19:55
Speaker 2: boundary is not I don't like when you do X
19:58
Speaker 2: y Z. A boundary is when you do X y Z,
20:01
Speaker 2: I'm going to remove myself because it's unacceptable. Think that
20:05
Speaker 2: telling somebody not to do something is a boundary, but
20:07
Speaker 2: it's not. Telling someone to do something is not a boundary.
20:10
Speaker 2: A boundary is when you do X y Z, I'm
20:13
Speaker 2: going to remove myself. I'm going to stop doing XYZ.
20:18
Speaker 2: When you do this, I'm going to pull away. A
20:20
Speaker 2: boundary is actually self focused. It's not external, if that
20:23
Speaker 2: makes sense.
20:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, someone crossing your boundaries has nothing to do with them.
20:26
Speaker 1: It's what you're allowing, that's right. Yeah, And a boundary
20:29
Speaker 1: is your lack of presence. For the most part, boundaries
20:33
Speaker 1: often aren't words. Boundaries are when you do X y Z,
20:36
Speaker 1: I'm going to remove myself. If my partner cheats on me,
20:38
Speaker 1: I'm leaving. That's a boundary. It's a boundary.
20:40
Speaker 2: If my partner talks to another girl on social media,
20:43
Speaker 2: I move out, or I no longer feel safe to
20:45
Speaker 2: have sex with you, I'm going to therapy. Boundaries are
20:48
Speaker 2: action based, if not words, and which is why a
20:51
Speaker 2: lot of women find themselves in situations where they're saying
20:55
Speaker 2: the thing over and over again and telling their partner
20:57
Speaker 2: what they don't like, but then they're not getting a
20:58
Speaker 2: different result because you actually haven't said a boundary. If
21:02
Speaker 2: your partner's cheating on you and you still decide to stay,
21:04
Speaker 2: but you keep telling him that you don't like it,
21:06
Speaker 2: you're not actually doing anything. You're not setting a boundary.
21:09
Speaker 2: You're actually enabling the behavior.
21:10
Speaker 1: As a boundary, almost an unwritten contract to yourself too,
21:14
Speaker 1: that you're going to honor. That example, if my partner
21:16
Speaker 1: cheats on me, I'm out, but then he does it
21:18
Speaker 1: and I stay, you've broken your own contract. Yeah, one
21:21
Speaker 1: hundred percent.
21:22
Speaker 2: The way that I would see that is like, I'm
21:24
Speaker 2: not honoring my self respect Yeah, Like, if I continue
21:28
Speaker 2: to allow this behavior, I'm not honoring myself. I'm not
21:31
Speaker 2: respecting myself. I don't think that what I want for
21:34
Speaker 2: myself is valid enough.
21:35
Speaker 1: My words don't mean much. Your actions. I'm letting you
21:38
Speaker 1: override them. I'm letting you get away with it.
21:40
Speaker 2: And if someone's acting a way that you don't like,
21:42
Speaker 2: but you're allowing it unconsciously telling yourself, is I'm deserving
21:45
Speaker 2: of this? Yeah, I'm not worthy of anything more. I'm
21:48
Speaker 2: not worthy of anything better than that. To keep attracting
21:50
Speaker 2: more of that, keep happening again and again because you
21:52
Speaker 2: continue to allow it in so.
21:55
Speaker 1: Interesting, So yeah, really cool self reflection for everyone to
21:58
Speaker 1: do is to get really clear on what their boundaries are.
22:01
Speaker 2: And the easiest and most simple way that you can
22:03
Speaker 2: do this is to like write a list in your
22:06
Speaker 2: phone of things that you like things that you don't like. Say,
22:11
Speaker 2: for example, if you're in a relationship, okay, so you
22:13
Speaker 2: can go okay, if my partner did this, would I
22:17
Speaker 2: be okay with it? If my partner did this, would
22:19
Speaker 2: it be a hard fucking no? Would it be me
22:23
Speaker 2: leaving worthy? Do you know what I mean, like getting
22:25
Speaker 2: really clear, because if you don't know where your.
22:27
Speaker 1: No lies true, how would they know?
22:29
Speaker 2: How are you going to know how to set a boundary?
22:31
Speaker 1: And how do they know as well? That's right, Yeah,
22:33
Speaker 1: you got to communicate those two things. You would hear
22:35
Speaker 1: that in relationships. I can't believe he did that, Like
22:37
Speaker 1: he should know that. I wouldn't allow that. It's like, well,
22:41
Speaker 1: if you haven't communicated that with your partner, how do
22:43
Speaker 1: they know? Might be obvious to you, but to him
22:45
Speaker 1: it might have been okay to his previous relationships. So
22:47
Speaker 1: he's like, whoa, you're overreacting. My last partner was cool
22:50
Speaker 1: with this, Like what you even't told me that you're
22:52
Speaker 1: not okay with that?
22:52
Speaker 2: And also as well, like every human is their own being,
22:56
Speaker 2: we have a different set of ideals, standards, values, beliefs,
23:01
Speaker 2: all that sort of stuff. So to expect that your
23:03
Speaker 2: partners to know exactly how you're feeling about something, you
23:06
Speaker 2: might feel so strongly about something. To him, he's like, eh, whatever, yeah,
23:09
Speaker 2: and vice versa.
23:10
Speaker 1: So true, you know, so true?
23:13
Speaker 2: What is it saying? Closed mouths don't get fed?
23:15
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that's such a good one. I hope
23:18
Speaker 1: there's lots that has landed for everyone listening today because
23:22
Speaker 1: it's something we really can't avoid. You can try to avoid,
23:24
Speaker 1: but if you can't communicate and have hard conversations, you
23:27
Speaker 1: will see that your relationships will either break down or
23:30
Speaker 1: they won't have the level of depth, trust and connection
23:33
Speaker 1: that you know your heart's desiring. Another thing too, I'll
23:37
Speaker 1: just finish off this is to not go in blaming.
23:40
Speaker 1: As soon as you do that. Walls are straight up,
23:43
Speaker 1: they're on the defensive, and you're not going to get
23:45
Speaker 1: anywhere close to them like you're wanting to get. You're
23:48
Speaker 1: not going to resolve anything. They're going to feel like
23:50
Speaker 1: it's all their fault, or they're going to point the
23:52
Speaker 1: finger back at you, and you're going to get back
23:54
Speaker 1: into that back and forth vicious cycle of blaming each other. Yeah,
23:57
Speaker 1: going with how you feel, going with clarity, gone with facts.
24:01
Speaker 1: How hold space for each other to have their own
24:03
Speaker 1: experience because a lot of the time in conflict, you
24:06
Speaker 1: both have your own story. Yeah, and both are actually
24:09
Speaker 1: really true. You both felt a certain way, you both
24:12
Speaker 1: heard certain things and certain things happened, But we get
24:14
Speaker 1: stuck in our own head forgetting that they've had their
24:16
Speaker 1: own experience as well, So allow that to come in
24:19
Speaker 1: and hold that without reacting and vice versa. And I
24:22
Speaker 1: guarantee most conversations unless they're anarcissist, you'll be able to
24:27
Speaker 1: work through, you know, assuming the best. Yeah, assuming the best.
24:30
Speaker 1: That's beautiful. We hope you guys enjoyed this and hopefully
24:33
Speaker 1: got lots out of it. If you need to rewind
24:35
Speaker 1: and go back and write anything down, I advise you
24:37
Speaker 1: to because being able to kindly effectively communicate is a
24:40
Speaker 1: big life skill yeap, that we all need and we'll
24:43
Speaker 1: benefit from.
24:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, beautiful, Thanks for joining us, ladies.
24:47
Speaker 1: Bye