Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 84. Choosing Yourself (Even When It Hurts)

Transcript

84. Choosing Yourself (Even When It Hurts) · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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Speaker 1: Appogiae Production. Welcome to the Sheep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashley
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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is.
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Speaker 2: About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest,
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Speaker 2: and most authentic version of yourself.
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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
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Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
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Speaker 1: Welcome back, Hello Wednesday, Good morning, Hey, feeling babe good?
0:36
Speaker 2: Ready to choose myself?
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Speaker 1: Ready to choose yourself? That's what we're talking about today.
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Speaker 1: We're talking about talking about that, how often we say
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Speaker 1: yes to everyone else and say no to ourselves, and
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Speaker 1: what that does, how unproductive it is, what it does
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Speaker 1: to our nervous sys and what it does to our relationships,
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Speaker 1: what it does to our connections, and how are we
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Speaker 1: going to help guide you to stop doing that? Shit
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Speaker 1: doesn't serve you damn straight.
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Speaker 2: Choosing yourself can be really uncomfortable, especially when it hurts.
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Speaker 2: It hurts to choose yourself, and I think a lot
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Speaker 2: of women, and I think everyone in general to some
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Speaker 2: degree has experienced this where choosing themselves, men saying no
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Speaker 2: to someone that they love. Yeah, I think it shows
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Speaker 2: up a lot in relationships, especially when there's a mismatch
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Speaker 2: or there's a lack of compatibility and things like that,
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Speaker 2: and you just find yourself feeling like I can either
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Speaker 2: choose this person or I can choose myself.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: I feel like oftentimes we choose other people.
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Speaker 1: Because we're scared. We're scared they're going to be angry
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Speaker 1: at us. We're scared they're going to be upset with us.
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Speaker 1: I know, I get scared that they'll think I don't
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Speaker 1: want to help them, or if you know they're stuck
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Speaker 1: and you know you can help them, but maybe it's
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Speaker 1: a disservice to them if you keep saving them. There's
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Speaker 1: so many reasons why we say yes or no, but
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Speaker 1: I think most women struggle to say yes to themselves
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Speaker 1: because we've been praised growing up that oh my gosh,
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Speaker 1: you're so nice, you're so helpful, you're the one that's
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Speaker 1: always there for me, I can always rely on you, like,
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Speaker 1: thank you so much, And then we get praised and
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Speaker 1: there's positive reinforcement that we get love when we show
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Speaker 1: up that way yes and when we say no. A
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Speaker 1: lot of us have evidence of someone being upset with
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Speaker 1: that and saying, well, you know you should do that
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Speaker 1: for me. Do you not care for me? Do you
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Speaker 1: want me to do that by myself. I can't believe
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Speaker 1: you won't help me with that. I would help you
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Speaker 1: with that. And it's like this guilt gets put back
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Speaker 1: on you, so then you're barning yourself. So of course, okay,
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Speaker 1: I'll do it. I'll put my stuff aside. And I
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Speaker 1: think we're all guilty of doing this. But let's talk
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Speaker 1: about what it does to the connections and the relationship.
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Speaker 1: First of all, it builds resentment because you're then, Yeah,
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Speaker 1: a lot of the time, if you're constantly saying yes
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Speaker 1: to everyone else, you're saying no to yourself. You miss
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Speaker 1: out on things that are really important to you. You
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Speaker 1: can also get really exhausted doing everything for everyone else.
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Speaker 1: Your stuff doesn't get done, so then you feel angry
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Speaker 1: at them, but at the end of the day, you're
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Speaker 1: the one that's agreed to it. Yeah, And then it
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Speaker 1: puts this like invisible wedge between you and the person
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Speaker 1: that you love because you feel that resentment and that
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Speaker 1: energy towards them and they're off living their life. You
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Speaker 1: said yes, I don't know how you're really feeling. Sure,
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Speaker 1: you know, it's not their responsibility to manage your emotions
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Speaker 1: through that, but it's your responsibility to honor what feels
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Speaker 1: right for you. And it's different day to day week tweak,
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Speaker 1: Like I say yes to a lot more things when
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Speaker 1: I have more capacity. I say yes now when I
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Speaker 1: know I can, Whereas I used to say yes all
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Speaker 1: the time and fear of being abandoned. Whereas now it's like,
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Speaker 1: if I've got the capacity, how are you. I love
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Speaker 1: helping you, Yes, helping them. Being of service is a
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Speaker 1: high value of mind. I love contributing to people. It's
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Speaker 1: hugely important to me. But not at the cost of
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Speaker 1: my own mental health, not at the cost of my
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Speaker 1: kids time, and not at the cost of the energy
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Speaker 1: that I do not have. I've got to have the
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Speaker 1: capacity for it.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that. I really struggled with choosing myself
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Speaker 2: for a lot of my life, if I'm being honest, Yeah,
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Speaker 2: self abandoning in hopes that it would gain the love
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Speaker 2: of others. Yeah, And that's what we just want to be.
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Speaker 1: Love to just love a girls what I've loved.
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Speaker 2: And that's a really hard thing to kind of make
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Speaker 2: sense of when you're doing it because when you're in
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Speaker 2: the moment, it doesn't feel like self abandonment. No, not
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Speaker 2: in the very moment that you do it. Yes, it's
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Speaker 2: always the aftermath of the self abandonment. Do you feel
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Speaker 2: the effects and the aftermath of it. But in the moment,
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Speaker 2: you have so much to gain because you're like, but
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Speaker 2: if I do this for this person, and I just
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Speaker 2: do what they say, and I you know, I'm there
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Speaker 2: for them, and I show up for them.
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Speaker 1: Even a good friend and a good partner, even though it.
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Speaker 2: Might be an inconvenience or it throws out my schedule, Like,
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Speaker 2: I'm going to do it anyway, because then in me
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Speaker 2: doing this, I'm going to get something in return. And
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Speaker 2: that's conditional giving.
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Speaker 1: That's conditional giving. And it is a very quick trap
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Speaker 1: to get stecond, right. We do things to gain pleasure
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Speaker 1: or avoid pain. Yes, and I think sometimes the pain
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Speaker 1: of abandoning ourselves feels less scary than the pain of
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Speaker 1: them being upset with us, So we choose them. But
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Speaker 1: over time, if you're always going to be a people,
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Speaker 1: please trust me, you're going to burn and crash. You
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Speaker 1: can't sustain that long term without becoming bitter resentful and
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Speaker 1: miserable at the end of the day, that's on you
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Speaker 1: and other people.
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Speaker 2: Isn't it so interesting as well? Knowing that it's wanting
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Speaker 2: somebody else's love is quotations more powerful than wanting our
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Speaker 2: own love, I know. Right, it really shows us as
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Speaker 2: a collective where we're at in terms of self love
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Speaker 2: and how much we value that. I know, you know,
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Speaker 2: it's unfortunate. It's really sad because we're like, oh wow,
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Speaker 2: like I must abandon myself so much because their love
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Speaker 2: gives more weight than the love of myself. And it's
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Speaker 2: just interesting how perspective is a little bit skewed on
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Speaker 2: that of like, yeah, this person's love means more to
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Speaker 2: me than it does to give myself my own. So
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Speaker 2: it's like, how can we shift that narrative of you know,
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Speaker 2: other people being more important than ourselves the most important first,
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Speaker 2: and then everybody else under that.
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Speaker 1: Well, this is what you coach women with, right, is
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Speaker 1: self worth and self love and self respect. Yeah, like
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Speaker 1: most of your clients, this is exactly what you're helping
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Speaker 1: them with. And when they come to you and talk
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Speaker 1: about this, like is there a couple of straight out
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Speaker 1: things that you help them with? Like tips or tricks
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Speaker 1: or how do you guide them through that to not
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Speaker 1: be the people, please, not be the yes girl, and
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Speaker 1: to actually choose themselves Because if they've been doing it
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Speaker 1: for twenty five years, how do they all of a
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Speaker 1: sudden stop. That's conditioning, that's patterns, that's habits. How do
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Speaker 1: you help them to make a change with that?
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Speaker 2: Well, the biggest thing is like giving them permission to
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Speaker 2: see it first, right, because it's like, yes, we might
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Speaker 2: uncle justly know that we do it, but do we
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Speaker 2: actually see it for what it is? And do we
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Speaker 2: see how much is actually impacting us day to day?
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Speaker 2: You know, like you prioritizing that other person and then
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Speaker 2: not putting yourself forward is like, Okay, are you giving
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Speaker 2: up on your goals? Are you giving up in your dreams?
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Speaker 2: Are you neglecting your self love and your self care?
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Speaker 2: Because you want to go see that person? And I
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Speaker 2: think that's the biggest thing is firstly just awareness, and
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Speaker 2: then after that it's helping remind my clients that they
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Speaker 2: have a voice and that they have needs once desires
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Speaker 2: of their own outside of the people that they're trying to.
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Speaker 1: Take care of that are important, that are important.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, because what I noticed more so recently actually, a
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Speaker 2: lot of women have been coming to me for either
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Speaker 2: being in a relationship they're not happy with and they're
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Speaker 2: neglecting themselves post relationship break up where they've completely lost
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Speaker 2: their identity and lost their confidence, or post divorce even
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Speaker 2: years later, where they still don't know how to pick
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Speaker 2: up the baton and create their life again. And so
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Speaker 2: the biggest thing has just been shifting their focus from
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Speaker 2: other to them. So every time that they're overgiving, over delivering,
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Speaker 2: overly nurturing, overly taking care of other people, it's shifting that,
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Speaker 2: pulling that energy back from other people and putting it
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Speaker 2: on themselves. So I say to them, even temporarily, for
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Speaker 2: these women, especially, Okay, in this season of your life,
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Speaker 2: it's just going to be a short season. Yeah, we're
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Speaker 2: just going to focus on you.
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Speaker 1: Or is there resistance with that?
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Speaker 2: Always?
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Speaker 1: How do I do that? Always? How do I imagine?
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Speaker 1: I know? How do I do that?
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Speaker 2: I just want to make them dinner, and I just
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Speaker 2: want to take care of them, and I just want
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Speaker 2: to make their life easy. Okay, cool, but what do
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Speaker 2: you want?
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Speaker 1: Yeah?
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Speaker 2: And it's just a constantly reminding them that they have needs, wants,
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Speaker 2: and desires and like almost shedding light on those desires
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Speaker 2: to bring them to the forefront. The more that they
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Speaker 2: can see that they have their own wants, needs and desires,
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Speaker 2: the bigger they become because it's almost like mission for
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Speaker 2: them to see it.
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Speaker 1: It's not only what they want, right, it's what they need.
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Speaker 2: It's what they need.
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Speaker 1: You need to take care of you like want and
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Speaker 1: needed quite different, what do you actually need? And if
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Speaker 1: they don't have the answers to that, that's a big
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Speaker 1: red flag. Hundred percent.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there are three biggest components. Okay, the
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Speaker 2: three biggest components mindset, identity, and behavior. So mindset is
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Speaker 2: the mindset shift around you're actually the most important person
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Speaker 2: in your life.
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Speaker 1: For hard one for people to really own.
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Speaker 2: But what's important is like creating safety in that yeah,
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Speaker 2: creating safety to take up space, creating safety to have
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Speaker 2: once needs and desires, creating safety in actually being in
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Speaker 2: the spotlight of your own life.
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Speaker 1: So that's the first shift.
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Speaker 2: The second shift is the identity of like I'm less
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Speaker 2: than everybody else, you know, I'm less than, I'm inferior,
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Speaker 2: I'm not as deserving, I'm not enough, all that sort
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Speaker 2: of stuff. So we kind of have to look at
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Speaker 2: the identity and shift the way that they perceive themselves, right, Yeah,
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Speaker 2: in comparison to other people, because it's like, if the
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Speaker 2: women are always seeing themselves as less than they've got
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Speaker 2: everybody else up on a pedestal, automatically, they're going to
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Speaker 2: suppress their needs, wants and desires. So we like address that,
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Speaker 2: and then behavior is looking at all of those things
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Speaker 2: that they want and need in their life and then
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Speaker 2: actually actioning those things. So it's like not just mindset
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Speaker 2: identity behavior, it's on all different avenues that they're actually
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Speaker 2: transforming their relationship.
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Speaker 1: With about that really cool? So cool.
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Speaker 2: I love witnessing women go through it, yea, because they
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Speaker 2: go from this sometimes dull shell of a human version
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Speaker 2: of themselves where they've lost themselves. They don't know who
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Speaker 2: they are anymore. They don't know what they like, they
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Speaker 2: don't know what they want, they don't know who they are.
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Speaker 2: They don't even know how to communicate with people because
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Speaker 2: they're so anxious. Yeah to holy shit, I am this
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Speaker 2: force of a woman and a human being that gets
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Speaker 2: to be my bigness and be all of who I am,
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Speaker 2: take up space and I actually go out and get
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Speaker 2: the things that I want in life.
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Speaker 1: Oh, that's just so rewarding to see that transformation. It
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Speaker 1: is the best I think a lot of women too.
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Speaker 1: I've spoken about this before at my event's. Actually my
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Speaker 1: coach Taylor taught me this, and it's like, you know,
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Speaker 1: the whole saying you can't pour from an empty cup.
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Speaker 1: It's like the I we all. A lot of people
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Speaker 1: live where it's all we are, so they look after
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Speaker 1: everyone for themselves. Then they look after their family and friends,
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Speaker 1: and then their last bottom of the barrel. Whereas, like
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Speaker 1: I flipped it, I used to be that. I used
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Speaker 1: to want to put everyone else first, make sure everyone's
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Speaker 1: looked after, like community online, like work everyone, and then
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Speaker 1: like I get home and I've got a little bit
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Speaker 1: of energy left my family, and then at the end
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Speaker 1: of the I'm like I've got nothing left myself. You
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Speaker 1: can do that for a certain period of time until
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Speaker 1: once again, you build out resentment and you're feeling bitter,
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Speaker 1: you're feeling angry, you're not feeling that up and fulfilled
10:27
Speaker 1: because you're not doing anything for yourself. Whereas now it's
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Speaker 1: like I we all, I will be the best mum
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Speaker 1: and be able to take care of everyone when I
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Speaker 1: take care of myself first. So that's filling into my cup,
10:37
Speaker 1: doing things that bring me joy, doing things that keeps
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Speaker 1: my health the best that it is, getting enough sleep,
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Speaker 1: having fun, all my passions, purposes, on point, hobbies, connection,
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Speaker 1: all the things that I value, and then my cup's
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Speaker 1: really full, and then overflows to my kids and my
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Speaker 1: family really easily. And then I've got lots left over
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Speaker 1: for my community. That so people always say to me,
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Speaker 1: how can you show up every single day for the
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Speaker 1: last ten to fifteen years, How do you continue to give?
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Speaker 1: How do you apply to all your dms? How do
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Speaker 1: you have these big conversations. It's like, because I take
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Speaker 1: care of me first, I've got overflow. Yes, if it's
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Speaker 1: flipped around, I'm on empty, I'm going to be snappy,
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Speaker 1: I'm going to be not patient. I'm not going to
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Speaker 1: have an energy and life force behind me to be
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Speaker 1: able to contribute and to do things I want to do,
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Speaker 1: and to be able to make the impact that I
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Speaker 1: want to make. So important to choose yourself yes, and
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Speaker 1: that unfortunately does require you saying no to a lot
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Speaker 1: of people. Yeah, a lot of things.
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Speaker 2: I think that's the biggest thing, isn't it like being
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Speaker 2: disappointing people? Yes, And the way that I like to
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Speaker 2: frame it at least it has been helpful for me
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Speaker 2: is like, for this short period of time whilst I'm
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Speaker 2: learning how to choose myself, I just have to be
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Speaker 2: really firm with my boundaries in a short season, and
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Speaker 2: then after I can be a little bit more flexible
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Speaker 2: when I've got more capacity, more time, more energy. But
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Speaker 2: right now, if I'm on empty and I'm emotionally at
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Speaker 2: my wits end, I don't have any capacity. I'm struggling.
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Speaker 2: I'm resentful towards everyone in my life. Okay, I need
11:52
Speaker 2: to clean some things up. Yeah, and then let your
11:54
Speaker 2: own lane, yeah, clean up, clean one hundred percent, clean
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Speaker 2: up your own shit and being willing to go Okay.
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Speaker 2: The more that I say no to everyone else right now,
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Speaker 2: the more I'm going to say yes to myself.
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Speaker 1: And what I.
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Speaker 2: Found through doing that has created a lot of space
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Speaker 2: for myself. So it's like, you know, people assume that
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Speaker 2: if you're not working automatically free, yeah, but it's like, no,
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Speaker 2: that's not the case. That's not And you know, having
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Speaker 2: those boundaries with yourself around that as well of like
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Speaker 2: you know, just because you're not working doesn't mean that
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Speaker 2: you're free or you have time.
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Speaker 1: You're allowed to have space.
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Speaker 2: What if you needed thirty minutes to yourself to go
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Speaker 2: to the beach in journal, Go take that time, give
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Speaker 2: that to yourself, because how you're going to show up
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Speaker 2: after that thirty minutes is going to be a world
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Speaker 2: of difference. If you haven't eaten all day, you've put
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Speaker 2: everybody else first, you've overgiven in your job because you're
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Speaker 2: doing it for free.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know things like that. And what I love
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Speaker 1: too is we always talk about is to stop assuming
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Speaker 1: that people can't handle no. Yes, we assume that they're
12:49
Speaker 1: going to be angry, we assume that they're gonna not
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Speaker 1: survive without us, assume that you won't better get that
12:54
Speaker 1: job done. We assume that they're going to abandon us
12:56
Speaker 1: or be angry at all the things. But like, stop
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Speaker 1: assuming you don't actually know. Sometimes now I think, because
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Speaker 1: I'm around the right people, when I say no, it's
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Speaker 1: fully respected and it's like, oh, of course you've got
13:05
Speaker 1: the kids. Of course I know you've had a really
13:07
Speaker 1: hard week or good, I'll sort it out. It's never
13:10
Speaker 1: met with anger or disappointment. Or shame or someone trying
13:14
Speaker 1: to make me feel guilty about it. So stop assuming
13:16
Speaker 1: that you say no that they're going to do all
13:18
Speaker 1: those things, because they might be totally fine with it
13:20
Speaker 1: and totally understanding. Be like actually, yeah, I was your
13:22
Speaker 1: old and be saying yes that either, fuck that, yes totally.
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Speaker 1: There's been times where over the years, like say, I
13:27
Speaker 1: remember this one time where someone needed help moving something
13:31
Speaker 1: and it.
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Speaker 2: Was always the one.
13:32
Speaker 1: It was in a massive group message and there was
13:34
Speaker 1: lots of people and Steve didn't reply, and I remember
13:36
Speaker 1: shaming him for it. I was like, babe, you should
13:38
Speaker 1: put your hand up and do that, Like why would
13:39
Speaker 1: you not? He's like, do you know how exhausted I
13:42
Speaker 1: am this week? I've given everything to work, to our family.
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Speaker 1: I'm so tired and Billy king my eyes open, like
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Speaker 1: I'm going to say no, I need to put myself first.
13:51
Speaker 1: I need to rest and I just want quality time
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Speaker 1: with you guys. I'm not going to go on volunteer
13:55
Speaker 1: four hours and my Saturday afternoon like I'm sorry. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: And I remember then realizing I was like, oh, I
14:00
Speaker 1: shouldn't have shamed him for that. He's allowed to say
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Speaker 1: no and they're allowed to go get someone else. It's
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Speaker 1: really cool for me to see that. And I was like, Oh,
14:06
Speaker 1: that's really inspiring. You can say no, Yeah, doesn't feel
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Speaker 1: right for you and you don't have the capacity. Good
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Speaker 1: on you for honoring yourself. I love that.
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Speaker 2: And what a beautiful opportunity for you to see even
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Speaker 2: how quickly it can be for us to turn something
14:16
Speaker 2: of somebody else, right, it's just a split second and
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Speaker 2: obviously super harmless. Yeah, for it to then become a
14:21
Speaker 2: problem of somebody immediately feeling guilt in that moment.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know. And I projected that onto him because
14:26
Speaker 1: I'm a yes person. So I was like, Oh, where
14:28
Speaker 1: does this show up for me? That I'm making him
14:30
Speaker 1: feel shameful. I would feel shameful for not putting my
14:32
Speaker 1: hand up yes, because I've told myself to be loved
14:34
Speaker 1: and to be accepted and to be liked, I have
14:35
Speaker 1: to say yes and do everything for everyone else. I
14:37
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, I can't actually have to do that.
14:39
Speaker 1: That's so interesting, that's cool. Yeah, it was a cool
14:41
Speaker 1: It was as years ago, but ye, at the moment
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Speaker 1: and now when he says no, I like respect.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that boundary boundary. It's so interesting. The
14:48
Speaker 2: moving one is a I feel like it's so relevant.
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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, it's a torture, isn't it.
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Speaker 2: Oh So my family are very much many hands make light.
14:57
Speaker 1: Work, which is true.
14:58
Speaker 2: It's very true.
14:59
Speaker 1: They're very hands on when it comes to moving up.
15:01
Speaker 2: They are absolutely you bet you, I'm getting my name
15:03
Speaker 2: put down for moving.
15:04
Speaker 1: Yeah.
15:05
Speaker 2: So my mom and my nana have always said stuff
15:07
Speaker 2: like that and the interesting you on. Like on my
15:09
Speaker 2: mom's side, she's got lots of siblings and there's lots
15:12
Speaker 2: of uncles and all the things. So when someone moves,
15:15
Speaker 2: everyone's in, like, everyone's all hands on deck, like helping move.
15:19
Speaker 2: My uncles are in like all of the things. And
15:22
Speaker 2: I remember when I first started coming into learning boundaries
15:25
Speaker 2: myself and being able to say no to others. I
15:27
Speaker 2: really had to implement it with family hard.
15:30
Speaker 1: Because they would have been met with resistance. Like everyone's
15:32
Speaker 1: helping except Tiana.
15:33
Speaker 2: I would love to get my mum on here to
15:35
Speaker 2: have a conversation about how much she hated it.
15:38
Speaker 1: Wow, she hated it because I.
15:41
Speaker 2: Was the first one in the family to actually start
15:43
Speaker 2: saying no, to have boundaries, to say no, to say
15:48
Speaker 2: no to being a helping hand, and unfortunately it was
15:50
Speaker 2: met with gil what do you mean No, Yeah, that's
15:53
Speaker 2: just expected around.
15:54
Speaker 1: Everyone else is doing it. Why would you not? Why
15:55
Speaker 1: do you think you're superior? That's right.
15:58
Speaker 2: My mom and my dad are both very much will
16:00
Speaker 2: literally give you the shirt off their backs. They will
16:02
Speaker 2: go above and beyond. Right, So it's almost that expectation
16:06
Speaker 2: was then put on me to do the same.
16:07
Speaker 1: That's it. Hey, when you give a certain way, you
16:09
Speaker 1: kind of expect it bad traditional.
16:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so easy to do that. We all do that,
16:14
Speaker 2: and so I just found it, yeah, really interesting to
16:16
Speaker 2: receive that. And I like what you said around when
16:19
Speaker 2: you don't have capacity, you're allowed to say no. But
16:22
Speaker 2: what I learned through doing that was if I actually
16:25
Speaker 2: just don't want to, I'm not going to.
16:27
Speaker 1: It doesn't even have to be in capacity, you just
16:29
Speaker 1: don't want to do it.
16:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, my body, no, I don't want to help. Yeah,
16:33
Speaker 2: I can contribute in other ways that feels good to me,
16:36
Speaker 2: and that's learning your own boundaries of going, Okay, what
16:39
Speaker 2: you're asking of me doesn't feel good for me. However,
16:43
Speaker 2: what I can contribute is this, And so what that
16:46
Speaker 2: looked like for me is like Okay, all of you
16:48
Speaker 2: have been working all day. I'm going to come. I'm
16:50
Speaker 2: going to go buy lunch. I'm going to bring lunch
16:52
Speaker 2: to everyone, beautiful, take care of everybody needed, and contribute
16:55
Speaker 2: in a way that actually feels good. Bad. But don't
16:57
Speaker 2: ask me to move a fucking washing machine.
16:59
Speaker 1: I'm going to break my back and worth risking my head.
17:01
Speaker 2: I mean, isn't it so interesting the different levels of
17:03
Speaker 2: depth of boundaries. I had an experience where it was
17:07
Speaker 2: my older sister Danny's thirtieth birthday and my sister Chantala
17:11
Speaker 2: and I we weren't talking at the time. We had
17:12
Speaker 2: like a break where we were like, not friends, not
17:15
Speaker 2: talking for a little while, and we were just in
17:17
Speaker 2: the middle of conflict. So wee because you guys are
17:19
Speaker 2: so close now, So yeah, I know it's so strange
17:22
Speaker 2: in what life. Yeah laterally anyway, so we weren't talking,
17:25
Speaker 2: we were in the middle of conflict and stuff. And
17:27
Speaker 2: I remember Danny, you know, sending me the invite to
17:29
Speaker 2: her birthday. And Danny and I live very separate lives,
17:33
Speaker 2: love her, but we just lived very different lives. Yeah,
17:35
Speaker 2: we're kiddies now, and she's very immersed in Mum life
17:38
Speaker 2: and all that sort of stuff doesn't live here. And anyway,
17:41
Speaker 2: she invited me, and I remember telling my parents like,
17:43
Speaker 2: I'm not going to go, and I ended up honoring
17:47
Speaker 2: that and not going because Chantala and I were in
17:50
Speaker 2: the middle of conflict and I just thought it would
17:52
Speaker 2: probably work out better if I'm not there. And it
17:56
Speaker 2: was a selfish thing to some degree of like I
17:58
Speaker 2: want to protect my peace. And also it was like
18:01
Speaker 2: a if I go, it'll probably blow up, and I
18:03
Speaker 2: don't want that for Danny, and I don't look out
18:05
Speaker 2: for her birthday.
18:06
Speaker 1: It's a tricky situation, though, isn't it. Yeah, it's definitely hard.
18:09
Speaker 1: I wanted to go.
18:10
Speaker 2: Oh she was not happy with me.
18:11
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then she's upset. And then you're upset because
18:13
Speaker 1: you would like to go. But you don't have to
18:14
Speaker 1: blow up. You don't have to be uncomfortable. You don't
18:16
Speaker 1: want to be around that person, but you'll not go
18:18
Speaker 1: there to be with your sister. Oh, that is tough.
18:20
Speaker 2: And she couldn't understand my decision. She wasn't happy with it.
18:23
Speaker 1: She couldn't have her birthday.
18:24
Speaker 2: Ye put your shit aside, Like, let's just show up,
18:28
Speaker 2: come to the birthday. Celebrate me all the things, and
18:30
Speaker 2: I just in that moment of time in my life,
18:32
Speaker 2: I was very strong on my boundaries and I was
18:34
Speaker 2: just like, I'm just not letting this lide. I don't
18:35
Speaker 2: think it'll be good. Like I love you, I'll celebrate
18:37
Speaker 2: you in other ways, but this isn't it for me.
18:40
Speaker 2: And that was a really hard thing because her being
18:42
Speaker 2: disappointed in me was like really tough.
18:44
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, so tough.
18:45
Speaker 2: But it was the right. I still believe it was
18:47
Speaker 2: the right to see.
18:47
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's tricky. It's figuring it out what's right
18:50
Speaker 1: for you, what's right for the situation, and where to
18:53
Speaker 1: say yes and no to. But we just want to
18:54
Speaker 1: have this conversation to bring more awareness around where you're
18:56
Speaker 1: saying yes, where you're saying no, Where does it feel good,
18:59
Speaker 1: where does it feel not? What's your reasons behind saying
19:01
Speaker 1: yes and no? And just to check in more because
19:05
Speaker 1: you don't want it to let this shit build up
19:06
Speaker 1: and build up and have resentment and be bitter. It's
19:09
Speaker 1: just not a nice place to be, So just check
19:11
Speaker 1: in more. When you automatically go to say yes, is
19:14
Speaker 1: that coming from a place of people pleasing and fear
19:16
Speaker 1: of abandonment and fear of rejection or fear of them
19:18
Speaker 1: being angry, or you're saying yes because you genuinely have
19:21
Speaker 1: the capacity and you genuinely want to do it. You're
19:23
Speaker 1: allowed to say no and stop assuming that they can't
19:26
Speaker 1: handle it. It's in a nutshell.
19:27
Speaker 2: Something that really helped me with what you just explained
19:29
Speaker 2: was instead of immediately saying yes out of anxiousness of like,
19:34
Speaker 2: oh my god, I got to fill the space. Oh yeah, sure,
19:36
Speaker 2: no worries, I'll do that, just going Hey, can you
19:38
Speaker 2: give me a minute to think on that. I'll get
19:39
Speaker 2: back to you this afternoon. Yes, giving yourself some time,
19:42
Speaker 2: Give yourself some time. And yeah, you know a lot
19:44
Speaker 2: of people I feel questioned like, oh I don't know
19:46
Speaker 2: the answer, I don't know what to do. But if
19:48
Speaker 2: you actually check in with yourself and your body, your
19:50
Speaker 2: body will tell you, like if you are questioning something,
19:53
Speaker 2: whether you should or whether you shouldn't, or even if
19:55
Speaker 2: there's a part of you that doesn't want to, you'll
19:57
Speaker 2: actually know it. Give yourself permission to listen.
19:59
Speaker 1: To that so true. And also I think I mean
20:01
Speaker 1: it's a bit easy. Maybe when you've got kids in
20:03
Speaker 1: a partner but out of respect to Steve, I do
20:06
Speaker 1: like to check in with him. Hey, what do you
20:07
Speaker 1: have this afternoon? I've been invited to this, Like is
20:10
Speaker 1: that all good? Have you got the kids? How are
20:11
Speaker 1: you feeling? Where are you at? And he does the
20:12
Speaker 1: same for me.
20:13
Speaker 2: That's beautiful.
20:14
Speaker 1: Hey, Like I wanted to go out to dinner with
20:15
Speaker 1: so and so from hideaway? Is that all good? Do
20:17
Speaker 1: you have anything on?
20:18
Speaker 2: Like?
20:18
Speaker 1: We check in with each other. That gives me that space,
20:20
Speaker 1: and I think you're allowed to use that as well,
20:22
Speaker 1: and we just check them all that part I live
20:23
Speaker 1: and check with my family, make sure they're all good,
20:26
Speaker 1: and then you can make a decision from there as well.
20:28
Speaker 1: Would it gives you that space to think about it.
20:30
Speaker 2: I feel like it's easier to do that than it
20:32
Speaker 2: is to go, oh no, I have to back.
20:33
Speaker 1: Out, yes, you know, because then you feel guilty. And
20:35
Speaker 1: then if you have to make askuse you're like should.
20:38
Speaker 2: I tell a little white lie?
20:39
Speaker 1: But I don't like you because then you feel good
20:41
Speaker 1: for that. Yeah, for that, it's not who you want
20:42
Speaker 1: to be. So yeah, giving yourself space, that's really good advice.
20:45
Speaker 1: We hope this episode was helpful. Listen if you guys,
20:48
Speaker 1: have any other tips or where you're aut with it.
20:49
Speaker 1: If you're struggling, we'd love to know. You can join
20:51
Speaker 1: our Facebook forum. It's just she rises on Facebook goeing
20:55
Speaker 1: continue many of these conversations. Also, we have our event
20:59
Speaker 1: coming up. Oh my god, really really excited, so exciting.
21:02
Speaker 1: The IP is nearly sold out. It's happening in October
21:04
Speaker 1: seven in Brisbane at the Powerhouse. If you love this podcast,
21:08
Speaker 1: if you're listening right now, if you love hearing our
21:10
Speaker 1: conversations expanding, you feel like you want to grow more,
21:14
Speaker 1: meet other women, then this is the night for you.
21:17
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21:19
Speaker 1: guest speaker, live entertainment. Goodie bags mean great opportunity for
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Speaker 1: the VIPs and come alone, come with your besties sisters
21:26
Speaker 1: arniees w. However, and it's only happening in Brisbane. We're
21:28
Speaker 1: not doing another one.
21:29
Speaker 2: And we're only doing one. Yeah, this is the only one.
21:31
Speaker 2: And also the coolest thing is like it's going to
21:33
Speaker 2: be exclusive content, Like all the things that we're going
21:35
Speaker 2: to be talking about SOI Podcasts is stuff that you
21:37
Speaker 2: haven't heard on the podcast before. Ever, if there's a
21:40
Speaker 2: time that you come. It's going to be this because
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21:44
Speaker 2: many different reasons. We have in store for you to
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Speaker 2: come and join us on the night is going to
21:48
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21:49
Speaker 1: And we're not recording it. You can't listen online, you
21:51
Speaker 1: can't hear it on the podcast later on. This is
21:53
Speaker 1: exclusive to the night. Yes, and yeah, this guest speaker
21:56
Speaker 1: is going to be one that'll really touch everyone in
21:59
Speaker 1: a way they haven't been felt touched before. No physically,
22:02
Speaker 1: that sounds a really blow you away. Yeah, honestly, like
22:05
Speaker 1: her story and her strategies and the way she moves
22:07
Speaker 1: through life is just like an absolute or and I
22:10
Speaker 1: can't wait for her to share that with everyone.
22:11
Speaker 2: It's going to be amazing.
22:12
Speaker 1: So if you need a ticket, we'll leave the link
22:14
Speaker 1: in the description box below. Otherwise they're on ticket Tech
22:17
Speaker 1: and you can just slide and try DMS if you
22:18
Speaker 1: have any other questions. And I'd love to see you there,
22:20
Speaker 1: come along, she writes. Communities not many options. We get
22:23
Speaker 1: to get together and hang out, so be fun. We'll
22:25
Speaker 1: see there. Bye bye,