Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 293. The guilt is worse than the quitting: How do I stop hating myself long enough to start?

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293. The guilt is worse than the quitting: How do I stop hating myself long enough to start? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened? Promise
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: it won't be too much? Bring it in. Welcome to
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: our bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Hello, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, wherever it is
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: that you were plugging in from in the world. Thank you,
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: first of all, for joining us here on our podcast.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: We absolutely love having you here. It is an honor
• 0:37
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• 0:40
  Speaker 2: your submissions, for you to listen to our podcast and
• 0:42
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• 0:44
  Speaker 2: If you don't know, we have four episodes per week now,
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: and thank you again for listening. So today is our
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: Bestie submission, Bestie advice segment. Now we have submissions coming
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: in from all over the world with all of your
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: stories from things like cheating scandals, to deceit, to grief,
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: to hardships in life, friendship stuff, business stuff, whatever it
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: is that your heart desires, you can absolutely bring it in.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: So, Ashi.
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  Speaker 3: Thank you for that. This is the title of the episode.
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: The guilt is worse than the quitting. How do I
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  Speaker 3: stop hating myself long enough to start? Hey girls, I
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: feel so terrible about not being consistent. I know what
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  Speaker 3: I want to do. This is going to sound so
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  Speaker 3: dumb because I actually know what I want. That's not
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  Speaker 3: the problem. I know exactly what I want for my
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: life to look like, I could describe it to you
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  Speaker 3: in fine detail. I've thought about it a hundred times
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: in the car. The problem is I can't seem to
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  Speaker 3: be the person who does it for more than a week.
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  Speaker 3: I'll have this beautiful three days where I'm up early,
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  Speaker 3: I'm journaling, I'm eating properly, I'm not on my phone
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  Speaker 3: at 11pm and I feel amazing. Then one bad night's
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: sleep and it's over. Not dramatically, I just don't do
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  Speaker 3: it the next day or the next. And then the
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  Speaker 3: guilt comes in and it's honestly worse than not doing it.
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  Speaker 3: I lie in bed feeling like I've lied to myself,
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  Speaker 3: I've let myself down, and then I'm too tired and
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  Speaker 3: horrible to myself to start again the next morning. So
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  Speaker 3: it just keeps going. I don't need more motivation. I
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: have plenty of that. I need to know why I'm
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  Speaker 3: like this. Why can I show up for everyone else
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  Speaker 3: every single day without fail, but not for the one
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  Speaker 3: thing that's actually mine? Sorry, I feel like I'm confessing.
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  Speaker 3: How do I stop hating myself for this long enough
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  Speaker 3: to actually change it? What comes up for you there?
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  Speaker 2: I made a post the other day.
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  Speaker 1: Coach Tiana.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, she's here.
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  Speaker 1: She's present.
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  Speaker 2: I made a post the other day that said, talking
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  Speaker 2: about it is not doing. Telling other people that you're
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  Speaker 2: doing it is not doing it. And talking to yourself
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  Speaker 2: about it is not doing it. And I think sometimes
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  Speaker 2: we can get caught up in the validation of like
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  Speaker 2: being like, I'm going to do this and I'm going
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  Speaker 2: to do that to ourselves and to others and then
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  Speaker 2: not follow through because we already got the validation that
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: we needed. And now we just don't need to do anything.
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  Speaker 2: And I truly believe like there's actually something called the
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: observer's effect. And it's a like scientific terminology based on
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  Speaker 2: like atoms and things. I'm going to butcher this, but Basically,
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  Speaker 2: what it is, is when somebody is watching you act,
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  Speaker 2: you will behave differently.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, isn't that true?
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  Speaker 2: Atoms, physical atoms, scientifically proven that atoms behave differently when
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  Speaker 2: they are being observed.
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  Speaker 1: Wow.
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  Speaker 2: So that's why we also act the same way. So say,
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  Speaker 2: for example, what I mean by this is if you
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  Speaker 2: are lying in bed and you're like, I'm going to
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  Speaker 2: go to the gym. I'm not going to go to
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  Speaker 2: the gym. I want to go to KFC. If you're
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: there by yourself, it is likely that you will choose
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  Speaker 2: what you feel comfortable with because nobody's watching. But if
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  Speaker 2: the person that you admire or the person that you're
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  Speaker 2: inspired by or your favorite person or your partner was
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  Speaker 2: sitting there going, watching you, am I going to go
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  Speaker 2: to the gym or go to KFC? Trust me, you
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  Speaker 2: would go to the gym.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so true.
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  Speaker 2: So you're asking yourself, like, why am I like this?
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  Speaker 2: Because we are wired to do better when people are
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  Speaker 2: observing and watching what we choose because we have more
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  Speaker 2: stakes at risk. But what that tells me is that
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  Speaker 2: your relationship with yourself is not as strong as what
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  Speaker 2: it is when you're around other people. So the question
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  Speaker 2: I want to ask you is who are you behind
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  Speaker 2: closed doors? Who are you when no one is watching?
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  Speaker 1: That's what really matters.
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  Speaker 2: Because that's the relationship that you currently have with yourself.
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  Speaker 2: And it's why you're not following through on the things
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  Speaker 2: that you want to is because there are no consequences
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  Speaker 2: for your behavior. Whereas if somebody is watching you make
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  Speaker 2: a decision, there are potential consequences to that behavior. And
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  Speaker 2: I think that's the biggest thing is that your relationship
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  Speaker 2: with yourself is like not as strong as what it
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  Speaker 2: is when other people are watching and I know I
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: just repeated myself but I wanted to kind of instill
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  Speaker 2: that because what this season of your life gets to
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  Speaker 2: be about is like rebuilding your trust for yourself like
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  Speaker 2: how nice is it when you start to do something
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  Speaker 2: that feels really really good and you're like oh my
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  Speaker 2: gosh I've been so consistent I'm so proud of myself
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  Speaker 2: oh my god I actually followed through with something that's
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  Speaker 2: really hard and right now you're probably just choosing the
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: thing that feels more comfortable and That's all it is.
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  Speaker 2: It's not this big scientific thing that you need to
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  Speaker 2: like prove and go, oh my God, I've got to
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  Speaker 2: understand the why and do a deep dive and study
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  Speaker 2: and like figure yourself out. Like sometimes the why isn't
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  Speaker 2: that important. What's actually important is what you want and
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  Speaker 2: what you're actually doing about it. That's kind of it.
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  Speaker 3: And what you're making it mean when you like, say
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  Speaker 3: you go three days and then you skip a day,
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  Speaker 3: you're making it mean like you've completely failed and you're this.
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  Speaker 1: Useless human who's dumb, who can't follow through. It's like, okay,
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  Speaker 1: you missed a day. get back onto the next.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Doesn't mean you have to wait till Monday or wait
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  Speaker 3: till January to start again. Like you're going to have
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  Speaker 3: so many off days. The most successful people in the
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  Speaker 3: world have off days.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: That's true.
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  Speaker 3: So normal and so okay. Like what you're making it
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  Speaker 3: mean and the big deal you're making of missing that day.
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  Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be like that. I hear you
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  Speaker 3: don't need motivation for sure. That could be very true.
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  Speaker 3: But what I think you need more of is the
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  Speaker 3: discipline to follow through even if you have an off day.
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  Speaker 1: Discipline means you show up even when you don't feel
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  Speaker 1: like doing it. Yeah. Even if you didn't show up yesterday,
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  Speaker 1: the discipline is getting up and doing it again.
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  Speaker 3: Yes.
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  Speaker 1: And again. And again.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Seven days in a row.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: 14 days in a row. A year in a row.
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  Speaker 1: Five years in a row.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: That's discipline.
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  Speaker 2: Someone who's like an Olympic gold medalist, if they don't
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  Speaker 2: show up one day, they're not going to sit there
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  Speaker 2: and go, oh my gosh, I'm the worst person in
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  Speaker 2: the world. They're going to wake up in the morning
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  Speaker 2: to their alarm at 6am and they're going to get
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  Speaker 2: up and go to training.
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  Speaker 1: They're going to go even harder because they missed a day. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: But like they're not waking up and going, oh my God,
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  Speaker 2: I'm the worst person in the world. You're not good enough.
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  Speaker 2: You're never going to make it. They just go, okay, cool.
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  Speaker 2: Like I didn't show up yesterday, but like what am
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  Speaker 2: I going to do today? Yeah. And it's almost like
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  Speaker 2: a logical decision.
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  Speaker 3: It is.
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  Speaker 2: But we make it emotional because we make it about
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  Speaker 2: who we are. And that's exactly what you just said.
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  Speaker 2: You said, what are you making it mean about yourself?
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  Speaker 1: And I also have that conversation with myself.
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  Speaker 3: Like say I don't follow through on something and the
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  Speaker 3: next day you face the same decision again.
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  Speaker 1: I'm like, fuck, that felt shit yesterday.
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  Speaker 2: When I didn't do that.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not proud of myself.
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  Speaker 3: I always want to look in the mirror each night
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  Speaker 3: and be proud of who I am, how I've showed
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  Speaker 3: up and what I've achieved.
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  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
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  Speaker 1: I use that as fuel. Like, well, you don't want
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  Speaker 1: to feel like that again. So what are you going
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  Speaker 1: to do with it?
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  Speaker 2: You get to choose. It's true.
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  Speaker 1: For me, it's like black and white. You're going to
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  Speaker 1: go do the thing.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Even when I'm in a really hard season. Like I said,
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: going to the gym lately has felt harder for me.
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  Speaker 3: Damn straight, I'm still going because I'm disciplined enough and
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  Speaker 3: I'm smart enough to now know. I'm not even smart enough,
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  Speaker 3: just aware enough to know the consequences of me not going.
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  Speaker 1: I already feel like shit. I already feel tired. I
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  Speaker 1: already feel like I'm letting so many things slip.
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  Speaker 3: So my choice is to go here. So I'm ticking
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  Speaker 3: one box off and I feel good about myself. I
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: get those endorphins. I've moved my body, which helps my
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: mental health, which helped the other things that feel really
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: hard right now.
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  Speaker 2: Yes.
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  Speaker 1: Love that.
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: One day off does not mean you have to throw
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  Speaker 3: the towel in. Let's get really clear. You say you're
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: clear on what you want, but do you have it
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: broken down step by step of what you're doing every
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: single day? Because it sounds like the first three days
• 7:20
  Speaker 3: are great, but then what happens on that fourth day?
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: What is that next step? Is that step way harder
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: than the first three? The first three sounds like you
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: nail it. What's happening on that fourth day? Maybe you've
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: mentioned it's around like you're prepping your food and you're journaling.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: That's all lovely. It sounds like you can do that,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: but what's the fourth step?
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: What's the next thing that's proving to be hard that
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: you keep running into that same roadblock and let's break
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: that down to be more manageable and more achievable?
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: I love it.
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: We've promoted it a lot, but I wonder if the
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: goal-setting system would be good for her. 10 step system.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: I would say so.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: I think there's like probably some deeper layers of clarity
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: that you're probably needing in this. I don't know if
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: you've listened to it on another podcast, but we have
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: a 10 step goal setting system. If you want to
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: send us a DM over on Instagram and just DM
• 8:02
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• 8:05
  Speaker 2: to you.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: It's for free.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: So this is just, yeah, go and do it at
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: your own time. This is honestly just for you so
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: that you can get clear on what you're actually navigating
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: right now and understand like the why behind what you're
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: doing it, like why you're doing what you're doing. Because
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: I think when we have a strong why and we
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: actually are clear on what we're moving towards and why,
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: I think it makes it so much easier to sustain long-term.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: You're not dipping in and out all the time because
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: it's this surface level goal that you're like, oh, I
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: want this. But like, why do you want that? Why
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: is that important to you? Why is it important for
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: you if you don't get that?
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: Yes, it's a consequence. That's right.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: All of those drivers are so important. And if you
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: don't understand that, you're going to find that you're going
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: to dip up and down all the time.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: And yeah, we say it all the time, like nothing
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: changes if nothing changes. And building a habit in the
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: beginning is uncomfortable.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: Breaking a habit or building one, absolutely.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: I think just going into it knowing that like it's
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: not going to be easy and it's going to feel hard,
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: it's going to challenge you because you're going to want
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: to sit and lay in bed and choose the ice
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: cream over getting up and going for a walk or,
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: you know, going and watching a TV series instead of
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: going to the gym. Like there's always going to be
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: an easier option. But like something that I've always asked
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: myself is if someone that I loved and that was
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: important to me were watching me right now, which decision
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: would I choose that I would be proud of making?
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: And then I'm like, oh, okay, cool. I got to
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: get up.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah. That's a really nice way to view it. Hey,
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: helps get you out of bed or helps you to
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: do that next step.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: Well, for me, it's like it incentivized me. So I
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: used to do that when I didn't have the discipline
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: to be able to do it myself. Whereas now I go,
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: what decision do I want that's going to make me proud?
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: So it's like I use the incentive, like being incentivized
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: by the people I love because I care about how
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: they feel about me and their opinions of me. And
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: they also hold me to a high standard. So I
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: know that they wouldn't want me to do that. And
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: then I go, okay, cool. Like turn it around on me.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: What's my relationship with my self-worth and why is it
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: so important? And how can I be proud of myself
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: when I put my head down on the pillow at night?
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: That's beautiful. Yeah.
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: Kids are good for that too. Like if I get
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: frustrated when I can't do something and I see Taj
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: is like, he's watching me do that. I'm like, oh,
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: if I was to give up.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Here and throw the towel in, I'm showing him when
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: things get hard, you just throw the towel in.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: So I have to like really regulate myself and keep going.
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: And sometimes I'm like, oh, I think I might ask
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: dad for some help here because I can't figure this out.
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: But I'm like, yeah, when the eyes are on me,
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: I behave the Like that, and that's how I should
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: behave all the time. Just not give up on myself.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: Not just what he's watching. Yeah. But kids highlight that,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: I feel. Gosh, that's such a good one. You're the
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: best role model for them. Of course. You also should
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: do that for yourself.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Not just what they're watching.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: Love it.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Hope this helps.
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: And yeah, anyone that wants that gold-setting PDF, it's so epic.
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: It'll truly help you, and it's for free, so you've
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: got nothing to lose.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: Everything to gain. Absolutely. We'll see you guys next episode. Bye.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: Bye.