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Our Most Pivotal Relationship: The Self · The Inner Well Podcast

• The Inner Well Podcast: We all contain a space within that when enlivened and nourished will support us with unwavering stability, expansion, and peace of mind. Join us each week as we dive into honest, grounded conversations about transcendental meditation, consciousness, and growth, and what it means to live an integrated life supported by a foundation of creativity and calm. This is the inner world. Hi everyone, welcome back to the inner well. Today we're going to dive into the topic of relationships. And so this is a kind of a broad topic. We're not just talking about romantic relationships, although that's usually at the forefront of everybody's mind, because what's more fun than that? But we're also talking about relationships. With other people, like you know, your work relationships, your family relationships, your friends, and the most pivotal relationship that we have being our relationship with ourself. And so one of the things that we really want to dive into is just this kind of paradox that we're dealing with in our society today, where we are, at this stage in the game, the most connected version. Of society that we have in history. We have platforms, we have text messages, social media. We're constantly connecting and reconnecting. And yet everyone is feeling disconnected, right? No matter if it's texting on a group thread or if it's showing up on your social platform, letting the world know what you're doing, commenting on other people's posts. You know, we're still constantly feeling this disconnection and this loneliness. And so, how is it possible that we've gotten to a space and time where connection is the most effortless it's ever been? And yet we're still feeling that lack, that emptiness, that disconnection, not only from others, but from ourselves as well. So this is our topic that we'd like to dive into today. And I just feel like You know, maybe a good place to start is how how is this showing up for you guys? Like, are you where does this show up in your lives as far as your connection with self, your connection with others? Like, how do you feel this loneliness epidemic is showing up for you personally? Yeah. I think it's such a great topic and it's something that I think about actually a lot, like exactly that way, that we're so we have so much access to so many things and yet We can feel so disconnected. In an episode last month, we talked about comparison and how it's so easy to compare ourselves to what others are doing. And I think that that comparison can feel like a diminishment in many ways of the self. I've certainly had times where I feel you know, a s that sense of loneliness, but when but then I look around and I say, Well, I have a full life and I have friends and relationships and family. What it is is a feeling of not quite being settled in myself. And that was something, you know, in my TM history, I learned it quite young. I had a period of time, but I was away from it. And it was a really profound moment when I came back to my TM practice because for the first time in many, many years, I was reconnected with myself. It was a feeling of coming back home. And I think that that expression of just recognizing that, okay. Myself is just what's inside and it's always stable, it never changes, it doesn't have any, it doesn't matter what's happening in the outside world, that has anchored me in a way that I feel so much better to handle the sort of ever-changing ⁓ experience of being in this world and being in that comparison game. So I feel like that anchoring to the self has been incredibly important to me in these last number of years. Yeah, that's such a Good way to put it, that that connection with the self. I often describe it as just kind of a connection to that level of myself and my life where I know everything's okay. You know, even if in the moment it's not, even if there's challenge or turbulence or change in relationships or in the world or, you know, overwhelm or overstimulation that I find I'm able to really quickly because of decades of Having this practice as a consistent part of my life, I feel like I'm able to quickly come back to that place. ⁓ the other thing I've noticed with that is capacity. I find that very often I have people reflect to me that they they're like, wow, you show up for a lot of people. Like, whether that's, you know, I've just come back for traveling for a work trip when I was teaching. TM in this program with veterans and first responders, where I was like on with people, kind of in in service for a week. And I come back and go straight to my friend's album release show because I'm in town, so I want to be there and show up for my friends or make a meal for someone for their birthday. Or, you know, I my mom has often said to me, and I've had other friends, like, wow, you have a lot of capacity. And I'm really see and acknowledge that you show up for a lot of people in meaningful ways. And to me, that comes from this inner well, you know, this depth of connection to that place, to that source of energy and presence, ⁓ which allows me to show up for the people that I love in meaningful ways. You know, I think it's interesting, and we were all kind of talking about this, even on our way over here, you know, because relationships are at the forefront of pretty much everyone's reality. You know, We're a tribal species and our need to feel connected, to feel seen, to feel heard. It is important for our experience of safety. You know, we do not feel safe as a species. We do not feel inherently settled, inherently fulfilled without that capacity to have people in our lives that can mirror us back to each other. You know, being able to have those really connected experiences, again, whether it's friendship, romantic relationship, family, we have to have that level of connection in order to facilitate an experience of equanimity for our nervous systems. It's we're self-regulating, yes, but we also co-regulate. There's a natural instinct in our nervous system to co-regulate with other nervous systems that can mirror our reality. And you know, even in 2023, the Surgeon General came and said that loneliness, they actually labeled it an epidemic. It is something that has become so prevalent in our society that it's actually at a critical mass where it's starting to become a detriment. And the way it was described in this study was just like this insatiable desire for thirst that can't be quenched. You know, something that you need. That you don't have capacity to fulfill. And it is, it's a basic human need. And when we don't have anything in our lives that is facilitating that level of connection for us, then we feel like our needs are not getting met. And I think this is where it becomes a little dicey, right? Because yes, we do have to have an grounded relationship with self in order to have fulfilling relationships with others, but it can't just be relationship with self. Right. You know? It makes me think of, you know, we've talked about this a little bit, but this very popular, you know, attachment theory today and how we can have these different attachment styles. And I've thought about this in my own life and where do I fall in this spectrum of attachment theories? And and actually I've thought of I've seen it change a little bit, but I'd be curious to hear what you guys how you identify. You know, I I realize I have this ⁓ More of the avoidant attachment style. And what that means is simply the way that I tend to protect myself or makes me most safe is when I when I am more self-r resilient and it's like a preservation. Now, while that makes me feel safe and independent, it also can be ⁓ you know, loneliness can grow because that feeling of safety and your independence means you're not as vulnerable. It's like every sort of way that we engage in relationship with others, it's a way to connect and engage, and it's also a way to protect ourselves. And the more balanced we are, the less we feel that need to regulate using others. Yeah. How do you guys fall on that scale of attachments? Well, this is this is such a near and dear to my heart topic because I've spent so much time trying to understand this because it's been such, you know. Relationships have been a challenging experience for me in my life because of my formative experience with my father. You know, I had a lot of abandonment and I had a lot of relational issues with him that created an expectation of relationship that's not healthy. And so for me, I show up more on the ⁓ anxious side of the spectrum. And so for you know those in our audience that maybe don't fully understand what this attachment theory is, it's all based on your formative relationships, the the relationships that shape you. For someone like Emily who leans more towards the avoidance side, You know, that is likely indicative that, you know, growing up, maybe she was the one that had to hold everything together for the family. She would got parentified at a young age. She was the balancing force in the household. And so Her equanimity was required in order to regulate everyone else's nervous system around her. And so she was taught from a very young age that, you know, in order for my relationships to be successful, I have to be able to hold it all together. And so there's an element of that that as you get into you know, being relational with others as you grow into adulthood, you know, there's a natural tendency to need a lot of space because that can be a very overwhelming experience for your nervous system at a young age like that, when, you know, you don't even have frontal lobe capacity to process it. Whereas anxious attachment, they're gonna be the ones that, you know, they Probably had some level of abandonment with a parent that maybe they were not present at all, or maybe they were present but not available. You know, they're nervous that they couldn't show up. They were physically there, but not emotionally there. Or maybe they were in and out. And so there was a level of dysregulation that was facilitated in their nervous system by never feeling safe enough to be able to have something consistent. They can depend on some consistent influence in their life that kept showing up and holding space. And so as they get into their formative relationships, they're always worried about losing that which they have. And so they tend to be a lot more clingy, you know, a lot more needy. And for me, anyways, that was that was a really challenging experience because. You know, you you can't control other people. And when your experience of self revolves around your capacity to ensure this person's presence in your world, that's a very anxiety-provoking experience. And so for me, my TM practice is what facilitated safety in my world because there was a space inside me I could go that was consistently regulated, consistently full. Consistently self-sustaining and consistently, you know, joyful. And it didn't depend on anyone outside of me to facilitate it. And that was that was empowering for me. And I needed that. Beautiful that. And it helps me show up for my relationships in a way where I can hold my own space and not depend on someone else to hold that space for me. I love that. And I just want to echo that that you said because I think this is such a beautiful way to also just emphasize what transcendental meditation does. It is incredibly empowering. We talk about it sometimes like a tool or or something that you can use to support yourself or facilitate, but that's not to imply that, ⁓ we're inherently broken or we now need these tools all the time to make it through the day. It's actually incredibly empowering to recognize that anchor that exists within. all the time. So I love just underlining that word in relation to all of these things that we're talking about and in that relationship with ourselves. Because what better what better way to feel in life than empowered and not totally at the mercy of the world around us, but part of it and connected to it. Absolutely. I'd say on that spectrum of I generally I think I did the test at one point when I was working with a therapist. And in most of my relationships, it felt very secure. And like with my family, with friends, community, romantic relationships has been the area that's a little more challenging at points in my life. And yeah, I would say tend towards a bit more anxious. Until recently, I would say that's that's shifted. And I'd say that comes, you know, partly with experience and Learning and growth and self-awareness that naturally unfolds with time and life experience. Well, they have this term out there on this in this same vein of attachment theory called earned secure. I mean, I'm revolving all of this around your parents, and it doesn't have to be your parents. It can be maybe you were in a relationship in your younger years that was a very toxic relationship that shaped you. Maybe it was even a work situation. You know, that was very toxic that can shape your capacity to show up relationally. So it doesn't just necessarily have to be your formative upbringing, and this can occur at any time in your life. And we all have aspects of this anxious, avoidant, insecure in our personality. It's a spectrum. And it's just I just want to emphasize like this is a framework for understanding ourselves and our patterns and our habits. It's not like you're this, you're that. It's like this. It's yeah. Totally. But this idea of earn secure, I love this because it it just shows that you can come into this world with a certain experience based on, you know, whatever it was that facilitated that in your nervous system, whether it's avoidant, whether it's anxious, whether it's a little bit of both. You know, I feel like I can lean both, honestly. Totally. but Earn secure means you've done the work. You know, we always talk about the work. It's such a buzzword now, right? But you know, the self-awareness knowledge is so much power. It really is. The more you understand yourself, the more you understand why you respond the way you respond, the more you understand how you can show up to, you know, show up in your relationships with others that allow you to show up for yourself. The more you start to move towards that secure attachment style in all of your relationships. And I mean, I can honestly say that my meditation practice is the thing in my world that has allowed me to lean more towards that earn secure side of the spectrum because I know where my toxic traits lie, I know where my challenges lie, and I have bandwidth to sustain a choice point. You know, I have the capacity to go in, get that expansion, connect with that anchored part of me, and then feel like I have capacity to come out and choose differently, use my tools effectively. Yes. And I think that's such an important piece to recognize. The role that stress plays in our relationships is so significant because it is, you know, coming back to this epidemic of loneliness, you know, starting in I mean, it started, I'm sure, long before that, but it was named in 2023 as an epidemic because we're in this epidemic of stress. And it just makes so much sense that those two are connected. Because when we're overwhelmed, we're burned out, we're bombarded with constant notifications, we're on our phones, our attention, our time is we're spread thin, our nervous systems are dysregulated. It gets in the way of The thing that is most crucial to have fulfilling relationships, which is presence, which is that ability to simply be with someone. And, you know, exactly that. Stress is physiological, right? This is not like any, you know, it's not like a woo-woo thing that we're talking about, like, ⁓ we have to be present and we have to learn our, you know, attachment stuff. It's about let's have a nervous system that is purified, that is self-aware, that is able to be present in every relationship with every others and with ourself. So that a beautiful way to combat that loneliness is to first take care of the physiological component of stress, get rid of it, purify it, and then be able to be more present and balanced. So this month we're taking on a new challenge of identifying a relationship in our life or something we want to tend to. And that can be a relationship with ourself, it can be a relationship with someone else, it could be some area Where we just want to be more connected or present to, you know. So I'm curious to know from you guys what's your relationship? Where will you be tending to? I'll jump in on that one. ⁓ I've been very busy with work and ⁓ and other things. And two relationships that are really important to me are my niece and nephew, ⁓ who are little and they don't live here, you know, it's far away and Last year, beginning of this year, I've been very intentional about making time and showing up and going to visit, spending quality time with them. And I want to figure out a way to stay connected and and and nurture those relationships in a meaningful way, knowing that I'm not gonna get to see them this month or for a few months. My relationship this rest of this year is really focused on my relationship with myself. I feel like My year last year, I had a lot of variables in my external world. You know, I had death, I had loss, I had grief, I had family obligations. And this presence that we're talking about is so important. And, you know, where I notice this the most is with my relationship with my family, being able to hold space even in the challenging moments. And I think that. One of the ways I always think about this is, you know, if you're with someone and, you know, you guys are out drinking and having fun or something like that, you know, you can tell the moment someone goes offline. You feel like they're no longer present with you. Stress can do the same thing. The moment your nervous system becomes unavailable for showing up in the present moment, and you're thinking about the past and the future constantly, you're no longer capable of being present with that person. And their nervous systems can feel that. And so then there's this disconnect. That both nervous systems are registering and it it can create a layer of tension, an undercurrent of tension, because people aren't feeling seen and heard and valued. And that's again that tribal species. It's so important for that. So for me, really coming back to my friends, my family, and my relationship with myself, and really cultivating that. level of nervous system regulation again to be more present and available with my connections. Beautiful. I think for me it's creating ⁓ boundaries in my life that allow me to be more in my own self that then allows me to be more present with those around me. And for me, the people in my life who are older, my parents, my aunts and uncles who I am very close with. I want to make sure that I spend as much time with them as possible. It's the most beautiful gift to have family. And I I want to be able to make the time and take the time. But in order to do that, I need to start with myself creating those boundaries to allow myself to be more available and not just sort of escape into the work and the busyness of it all, which is so easy to do. So we invite you guys to share your own challenge. Where are you going to Tend to? What relationship in your life will you tend to? Relationship with yourself, your family, your friends, coworkers, whatever that relationship is, and share with us. Feel free to DM us or tag us on Instagram and let us know. So thanks everyone for joining us. We're really excited. This month we'll get into some really exciting conversations with really fascinating people and how they experience that. relationship with self, with others and how it shows up for them in their lives. That's a wrap on today's episode of The Inner Well. Please subscribe and leave a review. Your support means the world and helps others find us. And if this conversation added something to your day, don't be shy. Share it with someone it might resonate with. Also, please follow us on social for more between episodes and send in your questions, your stories, or the topics you'd like to explore with us. We genuinely love hearing from you and this podcast exists because of you. So keep showing up for yourself and we'll see you next week.