Latest / Confident and Empowered Women / You Already Know. You’re Just Afraid To Trust It | EP 331

Transcript

You Already Know. You’re Just Afraid To Trust It | EP 331 · Confident and Empowered Women

• 0:05
  Sometimes we're not confused.
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  We're afraid of what knowing will actually require us to do.
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  Because as long as I can say I don't know, then I don't have to do anything.
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  But the minute I admit, "Oh, girl, you know," now clarity is standing at the door like, "Okay, get your shoes on.
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  We got somewhere to go."
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  And that's the part about clarity that doesn't usually even see the light of day.
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  We want clarity to arrive like a spa treatment, the candles, soft music, maybe even a little Sade playing in the background.
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  No.
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  Sometimes clarity shows up like Samuel L.
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  Jackson.
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  So what the bleepity bleep we gonna do?
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  Now friend, let's get into it.
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  Ooh, and before we get all the way up into my business today, if you like a little laughter with your life-changing conversations, make sure you're subscribed to the show because around here we talk about real life, what it
• 1:15
  teaches us, and how to stay connected to ourselves through it all.
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  And friend, we have a lot to talk about Hey, hey, hey.
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  Welcome back.
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  Okay, I'm about to take you back, back into time.
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  All the way back to the first marriage.
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  Now friend, if we were having happy hour, kiki-ing over a cute little charcuterie board and our favorite bevy, I tell you, I really don't even count that one, mm-kay?
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  Now listen, you already know I play too much.
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  But anywho, so years ago, I was sitting in my living room with that husband at the time and our pastor.
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  We were supposed to be starting our very first marriage counseling session, And I say supposed because apparently I had other plans that nobody, including me, had been briefed on yet.
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  We're sitting down with the pastor and he looks at me and asks, "Do you think this marriage is salvageable?"
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  And friend, I didn't pause, I didn't look toward the ceiling hoping Jesus would drop a Post-It Note.
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  I didn't even ask him to use the questions in a sentence.
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  I said, "No."
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  That no came out of my mouth like it had been waiting backstage for its queue.
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  Just a pure, solid no.
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  End scene.
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  Then the pastor essentially looked at me and said, "Well then, there's nothing for me to do here.
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  You already decided."
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  Now listen There was a part of me that had to blink for a second.
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  You mean to tell me we not gonna have six sessions?
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  No homework, no dramatic montage with End of the Road playing as I stare thoughtfully out a rainy window?
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  Come on now, '90s R&B video.
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  Nope, not at all.
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  Because the truth was, I already knew.
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  I thought I had invited someone into my living room to help me find an answer What I really needed was somebody to ask me the question so plainly that I could hear myself say what needed to be said.
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  And that moment has stayed with me for years But let's flip the coin because sometimes you genuinely don't know.
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  So let's establish that.
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  Sometimes you're weighing the options, you're gathering information, you legitimately need time.
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  But other times, friend, I don't know has snacks, matching robe and slippers, comfortable seating, and a late checkout.
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  And we move in.
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  Because as long as I don't know whether this relationship is over, then I don't have to end it.
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  As long as I don't know whether I want this career anymore, then I don't have to figure out what's next.
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  As long as I don't know whether I need the boundary, I don't have to deal with somebody getting mad when I see it and call it out.
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  As long as I don't admit that I want more, then I don't have to risk failing at getting it.
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  And as long as I don't admit I don't wanna be this version of myself anymore, then I don't have to change.
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  That's why knowing can feel terrifying because clarity doesn't just show up with information Clarity shows up with an invoice, okay?
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  And the invoice says, "Action due upon receipt."
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  Because once you know, now what are you going to do with what you know?
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  And then we roll up on what used to be one of my personal favorites.
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  Because when we don't like our own answer, what do we do?
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  We call the committee.
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  I'm talking mama, best friend, the other best friend, your work best friend, the friend who don't even like the person you're asking about.
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  And you already know who I'm talking about.
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  Your cousin, your journal, you popping it into Google, you searching on YouTube, you even put it in Chat and Claude, you done listened to three podcast episodes, preferably mine, thank you.
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  And let's not forget, you done checked your horoscope too.
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  Then we pray, and when God doesn't provide the answer we requested before the prayer has ended, we circle back like, "Okay, Lord, I don't know if you fully understood what it was that I was asking for."
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  No, girl, you understood.
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  You just don't like the answer.
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  And sometimes we're not actually gathering information anymore.
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  We're gathering votes Because we're hoping somebody somewhere best beware of my crew.
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  If you know, you know.
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  Sometimes my musical references really do date me, okay?
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  But it's all right.
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  We love it here.
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  But we're hoping somebody somewhere will give us an answer that doesn't require us to do the big scary thing, the thing that we don't really wanna do.
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  But eventually, you can collect so many opinions that you can't even hear yourself anymore.
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  And that's why I said in the YouTube conversation, more information doesn't always create clarity.
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  Sometimes it just creates more noise between you and what you already know We spend so much time calculating what it'll cost us to leave.
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  What happens if I end the relationship?
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  What happens financially?
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  What will people think?
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  What happens to the kids?
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  Where will I live?
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  What if I'm alone?
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  What if I regret it?
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  What if I leave this career?
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  What if the business doesn't work?
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  What if I never make this much money again?
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  Listen, all of that, it's all valid, but where is the spreadsheet for staying?
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  Because staying has a cost too.
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  And sometimes we're standing there doing advanced calculus over the cost of leaving while staying is over there running up the American Express Black Card, okay?
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  Oh, you were looking for peace?
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  Charge it.
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  Confidence?
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  Charge it.
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  Oh, that joy you wanted?
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  Put that on there too.
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  Self-respect?
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  Oh, wait.
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  Apparently we have an unlimited credit line.
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  But eventually the bill is you.
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  This is where I really want us to lean in because sometimes a place becomes so unbearable that you can barely breathe inside it anymore.
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  You wake up heavy.
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  You go to bed heavy.
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  You're anxious, resentful, walking on eggshells.
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  You're constantly managing yourself around somebody else's behavior.
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  And maybe the hardest part isn't even what they're doing.
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  Maybe the hardest part is you don't like who you are while you are there.
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  Ooh, friend.
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  That was me And this combative, venomous about the mouth, always on defense, ready to fight, constantly complaining, sad, unhappy person I had become was not the real me.
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  It was like there was a stunt double standing in, and I didn't like it.
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  I did not like who I was being.
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  Can you relate?
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  That relationship didn't bring out the best in me, and that was yet another sign that I could not stay So I have to ask you, who do you have to become to stay?
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  This question would've hit 20-something me completely differently Who do I have to become to keep trying to make this work?
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  Because sometimes you're so committed to keeping something alive that you don't notice you're disappearing to sustain it.
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  Maybe you've become angry, reactive, suspicious, withdrawn, insecure And no, I'm not talking about the Issa Rae kind either.
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  Maybe you're constantly second-guessing yourself.
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  Maybe you've started accepting things you know aren't okay.
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  Maybe you look in the mirror and think, "Girl, where are you?"
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  And that's when this gets bigger than can I make this relationship work?
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  Can I make this job work?
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  Can I tolerate this friendship?
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  The question becomes what is staying here costing me in me?
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  That's a different conversation because friend, you are a part of the cost benefit analysis.
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  Put yourself on the dang on spreadsheet.
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  And I have a sneaky suspicion that sometimes we believe trusting ourselves means, "I know I'm right and I know everything is gonna work out perfectly."
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  Oh, okay, so you want self-trust with the Miss Cleo upgrade package.
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  Well, that's not available.
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  Self-trust does not mean I know what happens next.
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  It means whatever happens next, I trust myself to be there for me.
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  I have my own back.
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  I trust myself to figure it out, to ask for help when I need it, to change course, to grieve.
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  I trust myself to start again, to make another decision if this decision gives me new information.
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  When I said no in that living room, I couldn't see six months ahead of me.
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  I couldn't even see 10 years ahead.
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  I couldn't see this life that I'm living today.
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  I just know what was true from where I stood.
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  And friend, that's enough.
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  You don't need the season finale before you're allowed to make a decision in episode four.
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  Sometimes all you get is the scene you're standing in And then comes the part that can really mess with you.
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  You make the decision, you know it was the right decision, and then you grieve.
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  And suddenly it's like, "Wait, hold on.
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  Why am I sad?
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  If this was right, shouldn't I feel amazing?"
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  Mm, not necessarily.
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  This is not a Disney movie where you make the right decision and the birds immediately arrive to help you get dressed.
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  Sometimes the right thing hurts.
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  When I went through that divorce, I wasn't grieving the marriage or even that person.
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  I was grieving my dream.
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  I wanted my children raised in a two-parent home.
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  Mom, dad, kids, the whole happy family.
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  That's what I had always pictured, and when I realized that version of my dream was over, I grieved it.
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  But grief was not proof that I should have stayed.
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  Grief was proof that something mattered to me, and there's a difference Friend, you can miss somebody and still know you should not be with them.
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  You can miss the friendship and still know it's over.
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  You can miss the paycheck and still know that job was killing your spirit.
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  You can miss the dream and still know that version of it wasn't yours anymore.
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  Sometimes we mistake grief for evidence that we chose wrong But grief doesn't mean go back.
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  Grief just means this mattered, and now I'm releasing what it was and letting it change And this is where 20-something me had absolutely no idea what was coming because I thought the dream was marriage, these kids, the family
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  structure equaled happily ever after.
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  But what if I had the dream confused with the packaging?
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  maybe the deeper dream was love, family, home, safety, true partnership, being known, seen, being loved as is, being adored, giving that same kind of love back effortlessly.
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  That dream wasn't dead.
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  The arrangement changed, and apparently life said, "We're gonna remix this one."
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  Same heart, different beat, better production, deluxe edition, bonus tracks and all.
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  Because present day me gets to experience a kind of love that 20-something me couldn't have imagined in full color yet.
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  To be married to someone who knows me, the real me, not performance Letitia, not perfect Letty, not easy to love Letitia, me.
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  And he adores me, and I adore him.
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  And sometimes I think about that younger woman grieving the death of her dream, and I wish she could see, girl, the dream isn't dead.
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  It just doesn't look like the picture you drew.
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  And honestly, thank God, okay?
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  The source, the universe, everybody, okay?
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  Because what came later became more vivid, more colorful, more textured, more gorgeously delicious.
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  Not because everything magically worked out the way I wanted, but because my understanding of what I wanted got deeper too Sometimes the first version of our dream is like watching TV in black and white.
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  We can see the picture, we understand what's happening, we know we like it, but life gives us technicolor, and suddenly you're like, "Ooh, I didn't even know that shade existed."
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  That's what life experience does.
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  25-year-old you can only dream using the colors she's already seen.
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  40-year-old you has an entirely different palette.
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  So of course the dream might change.
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  You changed, you learned, you experienced things.
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  you discovered what actually matters to you, and maybe the dream didn't shrink.
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  Maybe your capacity to imagine it expanded Okay, friend, if you are at that point where you know something has to change, but you're tired of circling it, overthinking it, and waiting to feel completely ready, The Main Character Momentum
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  Builder is here to help because sometimes you already know the direction you want your life to move in.
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  You just need help getting out of your head and back into motion.
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  The Momentum Builder gives you seven days of small, intentional shifts designed to help you reconnect with yourself, build confidence through action, and start showing up like the woman you already know you are.
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  Not when everything is perfect or you're 100% certain, but right now, because confidence isn't something we sit around and wait to feel.
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  Sometimes confidence is simply the evidence you collect when you keep showing up for yourself And be able to say, "I can trust me."
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  And I know you're ready for it, friend.
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  You'll find The Main Character Momentum Builder linked in the show notes All right now, you already know what time it is.
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  Let's take everything we've talked about today and put it through the self-love two-step remix.
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  Step one, reclaim your identity.
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  Ask yourself, who am I when I'm not contorting myself, shape-shifting to make this situation work?
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  Not who does this relationship need me to be?
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  Not who does the job need?
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  Or who keeps everybody comfortable, but who am I?
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  What do I know?
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  What matters to me?
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  What do I want?
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  What do I no longer want to negotiate?
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  Friend, come back to her.
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  And step two, build self-love daily.
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  yourself might look like telling yourself the truth.
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  That's it.
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  You don't have to send the text tonight.
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  You don't have to resign tomorrow.
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  You don't even have to hold a press conference announcing your new boundary.
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  Your self-love action might simply be stop pretending you don't know and write it down, say it out loud, sit with it.
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  Let the truth exist without immediately trying to fix, justify, defend, or explain it.
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  Because every time you show yourself, "I will listen when you speak," you're building a relationship with yourself brick by brick Now let me pour into you right quick.
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  Maybe you're standing somewhere today that you already know you can't stay forever, and maybe you can't see what comes next.
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  I understand how terrifying that can feel, and I'm here to remind you, you don't have to see the whole dream in technicolor from where you're standing.
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  Maybe right now all you can see is this ain't it, and friend, that's information.
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  Maybe the dream you had needs to change shape.
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  Maybe its meaning is getting deeper.
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  Maybe there are colors waiting for you that you haven't even seen yet.
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  And maybe someday you'll look back at the version of you sitting where you are today and think, "Babe, you had no idea."
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  So don't confuse the end of this version with the end of the dream, and don't abandon yourself trying to preserve something that's requiring you to disappear.
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  You are allowed to listen to yourself, to trust what you know, and you are allowed to believe that something can end without believing your story does.
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  Ooh, friend, look at you doing your work and everything.
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  Go ahead, tilt that crown, shoulders back, beautiful posture, nice and tall.
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  Take the next step knowing you've got you And I'll meet you back here in the next episode.
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  And until next time, friend, keep coming back to you