Latest / No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women / Have You Created a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy?
Transcript
- 0:00Mary: Welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
- 0:04Mary: So last week I talked about confirmation bias.
- 0:09Mary: And this time I'm going to talk about self-fulfilling prophecy because I think they can be related.
- 0:17Mary: So I would suggest go back and take a listen to last week's mini episode.
- 0:23Mary: But I'll give you a quick overview.
- 0:25Mary: Basically, confirmation bias is having a belief that we then look for evidence to support the belief.
- 0:36Mary: So if we believe people don't care about us, we're going to interpret behavior that could be totally innocent as showing that someone doesn't care about us.
- 0:47Mary: Or if we feel that we are not a we are not as good as someone else at an activity, or we are not as skilled at work as someone else, we're going to look for occasions when that would bear out.
- 1:06Mary: So I think one of the things that can be related to confirmation bias is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- 1:15Mary: So self-fulfilling prophecy is basically a phenomenon where something that is initially a false expectation or a false belief then leads to behaviors that actually cause the expectation to become true.
- 1:33Mary: So sometimes when we have a belief that we are not liked or we're not really worthy of being treated well, we can engage in behaviors that reflect that.
- 1:50Mary: So sometimes when people are very sensitive to rejection, that often comes from believing that people don't really, or that can come from believing they're not likable and that people are going to reject them.
- 2:07Mary: So the behavior then exhibited is typically a very cold sort of behavior, not engaged.
- 2:16Mary: There's not a lot of, you know, connection because there is that idea of people don't really care about me, or I'm always going to get hurt, or relationships never work out for me.
- 2:31Mary: And when we have that belief, we tend to raise our defenses.
- 2:36Mary: And what that does is it gives people the message that we're not approachable.
- 2:41Mary: And then it reinforces the belief that is actually false, but now has become sort of true.
- 2:50Mary: So another example, well, I'm gonna give you, like I did last week, I'm gonna give an example from my own life.
- 2:56Mary: So I was raised in the situation where I had an older brother that was an addict, and his behavior was violent, and I was the target of that.
- 3:09Mary: So there were a few times where he was physically abusive to me.
- 3:16Mary: Now I didn't tell my parents this, I kept quiet.
- 3:20Mary: I felt like no one was going to come to my aid.
- 3:25Mary: And so I didn't really talk about it to my parents.
- 3:31Mary: I mean, I think in hindsight, they would have helped me.
- 3:37Mary: But there were also other situations where I would be injured.
- 3:43Mary: My mom wasn't always the best at nurturing in those situations.
- 3:47Mary: So, long story short, I sort of got the message as a kid that I had to take care of myself.
- 3:55Mary: And I carried that through my childhood and way into adulthood.
- 4:03Mary: And so when things would happen, I wouldn't ask for help.
- 4:08Mary: I wouldn't really talk about it.
- 4:10Mary: I would just navigate it and get through it.
- 4:13Mary: And there would be times where I'd be like, I wonder why nobody is like reaching out to me like they do to other people.
- 4:21Mary: When I got divorced, I don't remember a lot of people offering support.
- 4:28Mary: Certainly some did, for sure.
- 4:30Mary: Some did, but others that I'm really surprised that they didn't.
- 4:34Mary: And there was a point where I had to recognize that I give the impression that I don't need help.
- 4:44Mary: I don't like to ask for help.
- 4:46Mary: Now that is something that I think, again, I believe I've evolved.
- 4:51Mary: So there's, I think there's often times where women are socialized to sort of, you know, do all the things.
- 5:00Mary: But I'm much better than I was at not interpreting needing help as being weak or being a shrinking violet.
- 5:11Mary: But yeah, so I think over time we can believe that no one's gonna help us.
- 5:17Mary: And so no one helps us because we don't let them know that we need help.
- 5:24Mary: When we think about, again, going back to the confirmation bias, like what do we believe about ourselves?
- 5:30Mary: And what are we looking for when we are interpreting behavior?
- 5:37Mary: If we're defaulting to only looking or recognizing the things that support that belief, yeah, we're gonna feel like it's being reinforced.
- 5:49Mary: And then our behavior starts to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- 5:54Mary: So if you have situations where you feel that it's kind of a theme for you, like for me, it was boy, people don't seem to reach out and offer help to me like they do to other people.
- 6:07Mary: Maybe take a look at that.
- 6:10Mary: What is your behavior telling people?
- 6:13Mary: Or if you feel like you don't connect to people as easily as other people do, what is your underlying belief?
- 6:21Mary: Do you believe that it's not easy for you to make friends?
- 6:25Mary: I mean, that can be true, but that doesn't mean that you can't do it, or that people don't want to be your friend, or that there aren't people that won't enjoy your company.
- 6:36Mary: Or if you believe something deeper, like I always get hurt in relationships, or friendships never work out, then you may be really giving that, you know, maybe it's an RBF that you're giving off the look on your face, or it could really be um disengagement when really you would you would love to engage, but your defenses have kicked in because you believe that people aren't really going to care about you.
- 7:07Mary: So why do you try?
- 7:08Mary: And then that creates that self fulfilling prophecy.
- 7:13Mary: So those are my thoughts for today.
- 7:15Mary: Until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.