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The Date That Never Ends · My Sexy Menopause Body

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to my sexy menopause party.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Not just a podcast.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Menopause isn't something to dread.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's something to own with strength, confidence, and yes, sexiness.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because menopause doesn't mean fading into the background.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: It means stepping fully into who we are.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And now here's your host, Kim Nicholson.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: What if the best date of your life hasn't already happened?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Woo! What if the butterflies, the sparks that fly, the pulse quickening anticipation you felt in the beginning of your relationship?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't a one-time thing.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: But it's something that you could bring back into your life right now.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever you want to.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's what today's episode is all about.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: So welcome back to my sexy menopause body.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: And if you've been listening to this series, you know that it, this past couple episodes, is all about my soon-to-be-released book called 24 Hours of Foreplay.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, we've been talking about foreplay in a way that goes way beyond the bedroom because it begins a lot earlier than that, not five minutes before intimacy.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: So last time in episode four, we went back to the beginning.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: The glance across the room, the laugh that hooked you, the kiss that rewired your nervous system.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're not just looking back, we're moving forward because you don't need a time machine to feel that alive again.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: You just need intention, you need curiosity.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: You need what I call the forever first date.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: So let me take you back to my first date.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: So Joe and I actually met on match.com.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not even sure if that still exists today, but back then it was a thing.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: So we had, you know, talked for weeks.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know how you gotta kind of filter through some of the men that you're meeting or the women that you're meeting, and you know, find the ones that you really want to meet and feel safe with.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: So we had talked for weeks and before finally deciding to meet in person.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: So uh he had picked this great outdoor, kind of like is that like a beer garden with life music.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: And um I remember pulling in front of this place, and then I then seeing this very handsome man standing all by himself, kind of waiting for me, I guess.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought to myself, oh, please let that be Joe.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what it was?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: That exact moment, that moment is what I'm talking about, is what you can have over and over again.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: The moment I realized it was him, I felt that rush, you know, those butterflies in my stomach, that kind of giddy, can't stop smiling kind of energy, the excitement layered on top of excitement.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: I can still feel it when I go back to that night.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: So, but let's fast forward a couple years, a lot of years after that.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes, you know, we all know that butterflies maybe look a little different, let's just say.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Let's say they show up in, like, you know, all right, who's unloading the dishwasher?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Or did you pay the electric bill this month?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, life gets busy and routines take over.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: We know that.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And if we're not careful, the sparks can get buried under all of that.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: So here's the truth.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: You can't bring it back.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Joe and I have rediscovered that flutter more than once, a million times, sometimes on purpose, and sometimes by complete accident.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: And every time I'm reminded that that forever first date isn't about pretending that we're 20 again.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Far from that.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's about making intentional choices that remind us how good it feels to be alive together.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I've got a couple principles here because I've, like I said, I had interviewed over 100 women and actually men for this book.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then I did my uh research on certain case studies and found that there's uh, you know, there are actually principles that kind of make a whole lot of sense in supporting those first date forever feelings.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: So one that I found was that uh your brain is wired to light up when things feel new.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: So psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aaron uh call it self-expansion theory.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: So what this means is like doing um new activities together, activities that actually kind of boost passion and satisfaction and laughter and just excitement.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: So Joe and I tested this out without even knowing it was science.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: A couple years ago, we decided to go skiing.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now, let me just set the story straight.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: It had been years for both of us since we strapped on some skis.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: So let me tell you, the first time getting off that chairlift was hilarious.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: We both stumbled, we both laughed, and at one point I was like doubled over.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, tears were streaming down my face because we looked like two kids trying to figure it out all over again.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, skis were crisscrossing and they're going everywhere.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't fall, at least I don't, not that time, but at right there in that moment, it felt like a date.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because it was a new experience for us, and that was exciting.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: So, date principle, principle number one on your forever date is novelty is your secret weapon.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: So let's try this this week.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: So, this week, what I want you to try just to test out this principle, all right?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Is schedule one new thing.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Don't wait for the perfect time, just try something.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Try a new restaurant or uh go play tennis together or bowling or everybody's into pickleball these days.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Go go play pickleball or go take a dance class at you know one of those dance studios.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: I forgot what the name is, but I did that one time and that was that was kind of fun too.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: Or take a drive to a near nearby town.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right now, it's beautiful weather outside.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Take your car out, take a Sunday afternoon drive, or whatever.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because novelty is a rocket fuel for passion.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: So try something new this week, it will ignite um excitement for both of you, I promise you.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Now, moving on to the second principle: anticipation is foreplay.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I want you to think about your real first date.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: The real, real, real first date.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: So half the thrill was the buildup, right?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: You know, choosing the right outfit, choosing the right perfume, and then wondering, you know, I wonder what he's gonna wear.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: I wonder if I'm dressed appropriately.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that ritual wasn't vanity, it was the anticipation about that first date.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll never forget one night when Joe texted me out of the blue, and this was a couple years after our marriage, and he said, I'm taking you out to dinner tonight.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: He wouldn't tell me where we were gonna go, just wear something that makes you feel amazing.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Well, even something like that, you better believe I got butterflies.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: It was excitement just from the text.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, again, I kind of like lingered in front of the mirror, put my perfume on, like I said, I hadn't used in months.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: That night wasn't about the food, it was about the anticipation.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: So, first date principle number two is anticipation is a foreplay.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: So, what I want you to try again this week, you're gonna have a busy week, or maybe next week.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Send a text, put on music, linger in the doorway.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's foreplay.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's move on to the next principle that I have for Forever First Date principle, and that is touch is the language of love.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, and I'm talking about affectionate touch, like holding hands, brushing his arm, a hug that lasts, you know, two seconds longer than you normally hug because it releases oxytocin and it actually lowers stress.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I lived in Montreal for several years, and in the center where a lot of the tourists go, there was this guy, and he was actually on TV.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: He was called himself like the hugger or something like that.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: And he was dressed like a you know, a proper gentleman from like the maybe 1950s.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: He had a beautiful top hat or a hat on, I guess it's a fedora, and a suit on, and he kind of stood there like a statue, and he had this sign.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I don't know if it was free hugs or five dollars or whatever it was.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: But I'll tell you what, it was the best hug I ever had, and he changed my life.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: I hug differently now.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: He uh you go up after you pay or whatever, and he gives you this hug, and it's not a creepy hug, it was a really long hug, and you really felt energy from one person to another.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: So after that, after that hug, it made me feel like I was floating away, and the guy wasn't even attracted.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't attracted to him at all.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's just that he was a great hugger.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: After that, it changed the way I hug.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: So now, I not to the you know creepy factor, but I do want to hang on to that hug a lot longer.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: So I do with my husband, again, it just releases this oxytocin and it just lowers stress and increases excitement.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: So Dr.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Corey Floyd calls this the glue of relationships.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now, try it, just hug a little longer.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Even your children, hug them a little longer.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: I know my kids were kind of pushed me away at that time, but I love it.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: And now, you know what?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: They're good huggers too.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Now, Joe is a hand holder, and I love this.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: He always has been, and I love it too.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: So when we walk in from the parking lot into Home Depot, we hold hands.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Walking into a restaurant, we hold hands, you know, and I love that times that he'll just grab my hand without saying anything.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: And even after these years, it still warms my heart because touch says what words can't say, and it's I see you, and I want you close.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: So, another principle is touch is the language of love.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: So, what I want you to do is every hour you're together, add one intentional touch.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: Slide your foot across under the table, brush his arm in the kitchen, sit closer than you usually do on the sofa.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Hold his hand whenever you can.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: Those extra little touches are also foreplay.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: I love that one.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: I really love that one.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: Let me know which some what some of the touches that you do.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you know, within reason.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Let me know what you do.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I'd like to add I'd like to add that to uh the next episode that we have here.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: So let me know how you do what your language of touch is.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's go on to the next one.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: The principle number four.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Compliments keep the spark alive.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: So in the beginning, you know, you know, remember this, you noticed everything about him.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: You noticed his shirt, his laughter, his the way his hair was, the way he said your name.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: These are compliments.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Compliments are just nice, they actually light up the brain's reward system.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: So when you see, you know, him wearing a shirt that you really like, compliment him.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Even though you probably have seen him wear that shirt 20 times, compliment him.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if his hair is looking really good, compliment him the way he says something, to say, oh, that's so sweet, or whatever it is.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Compliment them because compliments help keep the flame alive.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: And let me tell you, Joe's good at this, at least what he does it for me as well.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: You know, he's he compliments me, not to the point where I feel like it's fake, but he's he's really good and I believe sincere what he does it.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I I am the same with him.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: So one night I told him, you know what, honey, you look so good in that shirt.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: Simple, right?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: That was easy.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: When he wore that shirt on repeat for about a month, every time he put it on, he'd smirk like, hmm, she likes this one.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: So remember, compliments are fuel, they keep you both paying attention.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: So again, to strengthen this principle number four, try to give one compliment every day.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: Out loud, no exceptions, no exceptions.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's an easy one.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so moving on to the next principle number five, hope.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's one of the greatest aphrodisiacs, really.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: Dr.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: Helen Fisher's research shows imagining a shared future, what it does is it spikes dopamine.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why in the beginning, we daydreamed nonstop.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: I know I did, and I'm sure you did.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: So for Joe and me, some of our most connected moments have been just kind of lying in bed talking about the future, trips we want to take, or what our retirement might look like.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Even silly stuff like, you know, what kind of dog traits should we buy next?
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: Those conversations light you up because hope is sexy.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's a simple one, right?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: They're all simple if you think about it.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: So, principle number five, again, if you're taking notes, hope is one of the best or greatest aphrodisiacs.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: So spend five minutes tonight sharing one dream for the future.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't have to be big, just paint the picture together.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: We're doing this so often.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: My husband and I are always updating or changing something in the house.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: And even last night he said that he said this to me.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: He looks over and he goes, Hey honey, I got an idea.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I love those.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: I love those again.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: It just kind of painting the picture together, you know, whatever it may be.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: So for the next couple weeks, what I want you to do is have a week of forever first dates.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: Let's put all these principles now into action.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: So here's what I want it to look like for you.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: So let's say Monday.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: Uh let's say on Monday that you send him a playful voice note or you know, sexting, you know, whatever it may be.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: But send him something playful.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, let's say Tuesday, you know, drop a genuine compliment, a sincere.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: If it's not sincere, forget about it.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh but think about a genuine compliment.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like remember back when you first started dating him and saying, you know, what kind of compliments did I give him then?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: He's still the same man.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: You can give him the same compliments today.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: Uh Wednesday, let's do a no phone dinner.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: How about have dinner by candlelight?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: Put the phones away.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: No scrolling while eating, just talking.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, another one would be holding hands whenever you get the opportunity.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: Even if you're going into like just, you know, H E B or a grocery store or something.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: Just hold hands in the grocery store.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, he may look at you a little weird at first, but it will feel good to both of you.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then how about on the weekend?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: Think about doing one brand new thing together.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, one brand new thing together, whatever that may be.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: How about bowling?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: Something that you can laugh at each other, you know, something just having fun.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: And then maybe a Sunday night or something, share a dream.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: Share a dream of something in the future that you would like to do.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: So that's how you create a week of forever first dates.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I will tell you, that is the best foreplay.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: That brings back those first dates like that.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I got one more story before you uh before I end this episode.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: So um Joe and I were at our uh son's wedding not long ago, actually it was last year, and the uh DJ started playing one of our songs from years ago.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: And without thinking, he just got up, pulled me onto the dance floor, and we were dancing.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, surrounded by all these really younger couples, but suddenly I felt like we were back at the start.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like my cheeks were hurting from smiling and laughing so much.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: We had such a good time.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: My body remembered the feeling even before my brain caught up.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: So that's the power of moments.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: They can transport you back in an instant if you let them.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so in closing, here's what I want you to remember: the spark is not gone, it's not locked in the past, it's alive inside of you, waiting for you to make the first move.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: Because foreplay, again, does not start in the bedroom, it starts in the beginning of your day.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: And when you live like that every day is your first, you don't just reignite your relationship, you reignite yourself.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: Keeping the flame alive is intentional.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't just happen after all these years.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: And here's the thing: if it can't fall on just one person forever, it can't, because if it's one sided, it's not gonna be fun, if it's not, especially if it's not reciprocated.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe one it one of you takes the first step.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I say, I suggest that it's you.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: You plan the dates, you send the flirty text, you light the candle at dinner time.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: But for the spark to keep burning, the other person has to meet you there.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: It may take a little while, maybe it's a little dusty, but it can happen because love isn't a solo act, it's actually a dance.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: And when both of you step in, even if it's a little clumsy like Joe and I on ski lift, that's when the magic really happens.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: So if I haven't given you enough challenges, I'm gonna give you another challenge.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: So this week, we what I want you to do is create your own forever first date and let me know what it is.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: Schedule one thing, pay one compliment, make one intentional touch, share that hug a little bit longer, share a dream.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because guess what?
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: Those butterflies are still inside you.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: All you have to do is open the cage.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: Ha! And in our next episode, we'll talk about ways to sustain this energy, not just in bursts, but in the everyday rhythm of life.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: Because passion, it isn't luck, it's practice.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: So until then, go fall in love again and again and again until next time.