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Mojo Monday: Understanding Our Impact on Others and What it's Like to Be Around You. · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Hi everybody, Carlie Taylor here for this week's Mojo Monday.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: So last week I focused on the first question of
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: the Japanese reflection process called and I Can, which is
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: what have I received? So if you missed last week's episode,
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: go back and have a listen. I'm also really curious
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  Speaker 1: to know if anyone has started journaling using the question
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: what have I received? And I would love to hear
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  Speaker 1: from you if you have, so, you could go to
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: my website Carlietaylor Coaching dot com, dot aue and just
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: fill out the form and it'll come directly to me
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: and I will not email you, in fact, not really
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: emailing anybody. But if I do decide to send out emails,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: it's up to you whether or not you receive them.
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  Speaker 1: But I would love to hear your experience. So just
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  Speaker 1: to recap in case you did miss last week's episode,
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  Speaker 1: ni CAN is a structured self reflection process and it
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  Speaker 1: helps us understand ourselves and also what it's like to
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  Speaker 1: be around us. So you could mix this up with
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  Speaker 1: your gratitude ritual if you have one. You could include
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  Speaker 1: ni CAN as part of this process because many people
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  Speaker 1: experience this very deep sense of gratitude through this practice.
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  Speaker 1: So there's another word called guy can gaika n which
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  Speaker 1: means to reflect on others, which is something most of
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  Speaker 1: us don't need to practice in terms of how others
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  Speaker 1: might make our lives difficult. So, for example, if you're
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  Speaker 1: going through a separation or you don't have a good
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  Speaker 1: relationship with a parent, you probably don't need to practice
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  Speaker 1: reflecting on all the troubles and difficulties that they are
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  Speaker 1: causing you, because that comes quite naturally. In contrast to that,
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  Speaker 1: n can is about reflecting on our selves and the
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  Speaker 1: troubles and difficulties that we might cause others, and that
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  Speaker 1: is something many of us don't consider, especially when there's
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  Speaker 1: intense emotions involved. So what nikan does is it shifts
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  Speaker 1: our attention away from our self centeredness. And let's be real,
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  Speaker 1: we can all be very self centered. It is something
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  Speaker 1: that comes quite naturally to humans and it helps us
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  Speaker 1: gain this more realistic picture of how we give, receive,
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  Speaker 1: and interconnect with others. So, just as a bit of background,
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  Speaker 1: because I don't think I mentioned this last week, it
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  Speaker 1: was created by Ishan Yoshimoto in the nineteen forties, and
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  Speaker 1: there are actually numerous nikan centers and retreats in Japan,
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  Speaker 1: and there's also a few in Europe where people can go.
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  Speaker 1: It's like a retreat and they can experience intense n
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  Speaker 1: I can as part of a healing process, especially in relationships.
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  Speaker 1: It's also been used in mental health counseling. I incorporate
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  Speaker 1: it in my own practice. It's been used for addiction treatment,
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  Speaker 1: rehabilitation for prisoners. It's been used in schools and also businesses.
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  Speaker 1: In fact, Nick Kemp, who's got the Iki Gui Tribe podcast,
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  Speaker 1: his wife is Japanese and she said when she worked
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  Speaker 1: in Tokyo that there was a Nikan process that they
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  Speaker 1: went to as part of their wellness program. So Nikan
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  Speaker 1: gives us this broader view of reality, which is what
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  Speaker 1: I mentioned, and that is what's key. So it's not
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  Speaker 1: about analyzing ourselves or getting entangled up in the emotions
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: that show up. It's about stating what is reality. So
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  Speaker 1: emotions and thoughts might arise during the process, but we
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  Speaker 1: accept them as part of our human experience. And the
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  Speaker 1: point is not to feel guilty, although guilty and remorse
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  Speaker 1: may come up, but it's more to cultivate this sense
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  Speaker 1: of gratitude for what we've received from others and to
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  Speaker 1: be become aware of how our behavior affects others. So
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  Speaker 1: it's almost like a mirror. And Greg Creech talks about this,
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  Speaker 1: it's this metaphor of a mirror when we look in
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  Speaker 1: the mirror before we go out, say, without it, we
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  Speaker 1: can only see a limited part of ourselves. So without
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  Speaker 1: a mirror, I can only see part of myself, and
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  Speaker 1: I can is a kind of mirror that helps us
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  Speaker 1: see what others see and understand what it's like to
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  Speaker 1: be around us. So how we think we look in
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  Speaker 1: the world is not the same as how others see us,
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  Speaker 1: and I can can give us this sense of what
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  Speaker 1: it's like for other people to be with us, what
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  Speaker 1: is it like being around me? So it's like putting
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  Speaker 1: our in others' shoes. And I find personally that the
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  Speaker 1: more I do this, the more aware I am of
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  Speaker 1: my own behavior and the support that I receive every day.
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  Speaker 1: So the three questions, just as a recap are very simple.
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  Speaker 1: What have I received from others? Which we talked about
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  Speaker 1: last week, and today we're going to focus on what
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  Speaker 1: have I given to others and what troubles and difficulties
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  Speaker 1: have I caused? Others. Let's look at what have I
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  Speaker 1: given to others? So this question is almost like seeing
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  Speaker 1: a balance sheet of your life when compared to the
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  Speaker 1: first question, So how much have you received compared to
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  Speaker 1: how much you give? And more often than not, I
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  Speaker 1: find that when I journal these questions from say the
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  Speaker 1: last twenty four hours, I become very aware that I
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  Speaker 1: have received a lot more than I have given. And
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  Speaker 1: I've become quite aware of this sort of unconscious bias
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  Speaker 1: towards myself, and I find that doing regular and I
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  Speaker 1: can can help me really catch myself on and then
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  Speaker 1: I end up doing more for others as sort of
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  Speaker 1: a result of it. Even small things like, you know,
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  Speaker 1: like I might make Paul a cup of tea to
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  Speaker 1: surprise him, or I'll call my dad, or thanking people
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  Speaker 1: for serving me in a restaurant, which I normally do
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  Speaker 1: that anyway, but just being very aware of how I'm
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  Speaker 1: interacting with others, you know. Replying to text messages is
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  Speaker 1: another thing. You know. Sometimes I tend to not reply
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  Speaker 1: straight away and I'll go, okay, I'll do that later,
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  Speaker 1: and then I might forget. So just small things like
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  Speaker 1: that can really make a difference. And then the final
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  Speaker 1: question is what troubles and difficulties have I caused others?
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  Speaker 1: And there are many people that actually don't like this question.
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  Speaker 1: And I have had quite a few clients who really
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  Speaker 1: resist it and they don't want to do it. They
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  Speaker 1: want to leave it out, which is interesting. And I've
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  Speaker 1: noticed in myself that I often start when I start
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  Speaker 1: answering this question, I start to justify my actions or
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  Speaker 1: my mind automatically points out what others have done to me,
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  Speaker 1: which is kind of that bias, isn't it that our
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  Speaker 1: mind's to go to. And this is just part of
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  Speaker 1: the process, and it's when I think we can bring
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  Speaker 1: in a bit of self compassion as well. As I
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  Speaker 1: said earlier, this is about reality. So if guilt, remorse,
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  Speaker 1: or a debate starts about right or wrong, you know
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  Speaker 1: it's something to observe, but not let it stop you
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  Speaker 1: from going through this process. This awareness of out impact
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  Speaker 1: on others can really broaden our view of relationships. So
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  Speaker 1: let's take the example of a couple who are separating.
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  Speaker 1: It's very easy to fall into the blame trap, and
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  Speaker 1: I can doesn't excuse anyone else's behavior, but what it
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  Speaker 1: does it widens the view of the reality of the
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  Speaker 1: situation and possibly can create a sense of compassion and
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  Speaker 1: perspective for the other person. So it doesn't take anything away,
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  Speaker 1: but it widens the view. And this can be quite
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  Speaker 1: confronting for people, but it also can be healing. I'll
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  Speaker 1: give you some examples for me for the last twenty
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  Speaker 1: four hours. So just notice your reaction to what I'm
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  Speaker 1: saying and whether you kind of have a judgment of
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  Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So and remember that the process is
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  Speaker 1: not asking me how I felt about it. It's just
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  Speaker 1: stating reality. So here I go. So I interrupted and
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: complained to Paul about my sore neck and how tired
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: I was when he was trying to work. I told
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: Oscar to get off his game when he hadn't finished it,
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  Speaker 1: so he ended up frustrateds We ran out of dog
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  Speaker 1: food as I hadn't managed to get to the shop,
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  Speaker 1: so the dogs had to have a late breakfast. They
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  Speaker 1: were not happy about that. I kept a man waiting
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: when I was at the golf driving range the other
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  Speaker 1: day as I took my time making my shots, and
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  Speaker 1: I didn't reply to a text from my friend until
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  Speaker 1: the next day. So you can see, these are just facts.
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  Speaker 1: We tend to justify why we do things from our
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  Speaker 1: perspective without really considering the perspective of others, and it
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  Speaker 1: opens up our reality. And for me, it helps me
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  Speaker 1: reflect on my behavior and the choices that I make
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  Speaker 1: and to not always act based on how I feel
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  Speaker 1: in that moment. It helps me to tap into more
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  Speaker 1: compassion and understanding of others, which in many circumstances, in
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  Speaker 1: many circumstances, is a better compass. So if you want
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  Speaker 1: to try a NIKM practice or you are currently giving
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  Speaker 1: it a go, just ensure you put as much detail
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  Speaker 1: as possible in there. So don't just write something like
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  Speaker 1: I was nice to my mother in law. Write down
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  Speaker 1: the detail behind it so it's really meaningful and it
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  Speaker 1: can really cultivate this deep sense of gratitude as I
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  Speaker 1: said in Empathy, and I really enjoy looking back on
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  Speaker 1: my ni cans because I put a lot of detail in.
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  Speaker 1: It's almost like you are writing a journal. So it's
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  Speaker 1: a really great way to keep the memories going. So
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  Speaker 1: thank you for joining me on this week's My Joe Monday. Again.
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  Speaker 1: If you want to connect with me and let me
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  Speaker 1: know how you're going with your n cans, I would
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: love to hear from you. Paul will be back on
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Wednesday for his wisdom Wednesday, so have a great week
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  Speaker 1: and I will catch you next Monday.