Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Is Your Partner Asexual?

Transcript

Is Your Partner Asexual? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
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Today we're going to be talking about whether your partner is
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asexual and what this can mean. Before we dive into that topic,
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please do subscribe. You can always subscribe by the
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linked subscription link in the in the description and you get
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access to 136 or more episodes, most recently about child
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centered marriage and what that actually means and doesn't mean.
0:34
And some people say you should put your husband before the
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kids. Ain't never gonna happen.
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Oh who says that? Why?
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What is the healthy approach, etc.
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All of that is discussed in the prior episode which is
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subscriber only. OK, so here's The thing is that
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some people come in and they have, you know, sexual issues.
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Many, many people come in with sexual issues to my practice.
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And there are different types of sexual issues.
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So sometimes the people have had a great sexual relationship in
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the past and now it's fallen off due to the lack of honeymoon
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stage hormones of point, which I beat to death constantly.
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And age and stage and perimenopause and her
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antidepressants and her birth control pill and the fact that
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he could be a real asshole and whatever, you know, various
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things, externalities, internalities, etcetera.
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However, there are some people that have a different way that
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they conceive of sex and they never liked it, you know, and so
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they never wanted to have sex. They thought that sex was part
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of a relationship, so they did it.
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They've never really had an orgasm.
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Maybe they have sometimes, but they don't really care one way
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or the other. Their body works.
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They can have sex. Maybe they can have an orgasm.
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They have no interest in sex and they never did, did, and the
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partner didn't understand this. So they just thought that the
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person was kind of thinking the same as they did about sex, but
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the partner wasn't. So this partner may be asexual.
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So asexual means that you do not have any interest in sex.
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You don't want to have sex. You don't really understand why
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people make such a big deal about sex unless you're, you
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know, more philosophical about it and, you know, you could
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empathize then, oh, I guess these people are really into it,
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you know, But you just can't understand it for yourself.
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You don't see an attractive person and want to have sex with
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them. You don't ever see your partner
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and want to have sex with them unless you think that you
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should. But it's not a desire thing.
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It's like, oh, we should have sex.
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It's his birthday or we are dating so we have sex.
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That's what people do. But you don't ever yearn for it.
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You don't experience that desire to do to it.
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If you never had sex again, you'd be happy.
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And you really felt like this kind of all throughout.
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And we're somewhat confused when puberty hit and teenage years
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hit and people started to talk about, like, wanting to have sex
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or like, that guy's so cute, you understood that guy, so cute,
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but then you didn't understand why then you would want to have
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sex with that guy. Like, that didn't make any
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sense. And so it's very interesting to
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think about, right? Because it's like a different
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orientation. And so if your wife was gay, you
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would be like, Oh my God, I make sense.
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All of it makes sense. Finally, you know, it's the
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missing piece. She just never was into men.
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Well, this one is she was just never into sex.
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And it's not very different. And so there's different kinds
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of ways you can be asexual. And some people are a romantic
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as well, So they don't really understand romance either.
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So, and and that's pretty interesting too, because these
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things are really under understood.
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They're not well understood and I do believe that they are real
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and that they're not due to trauma or there is a type, you
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know, even there's all these words now about the asexual
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spectrum. One of them which I forget is
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asexual due to past trauma. But there are plenty of people
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that haven't had past trauma, you know, and there's all kinds
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of people in the world. There's all kind of
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orientations, Everything is normally distributed.
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And I deeply believe that some people just do not have sex.
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I mean, that is just they they do to procreate.
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That makes sense. They want children, but they
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don't really. And that's why, you know, it
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hasn't like the the trade hasn't died out, right?
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Because they have sex. They just aren't.
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They don't feel the desire for it.
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It's just a thing like how you can be attracted to women or men
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or both or neither, you know? And these are neither.
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They're not attracted to either. And so they could be sex
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negative, sex neutral or sex positive.
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And so it was interesting. I always talk sometimes to you
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guys. I think you enjoy.
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Well, I've heard from a couple people that it's interesting
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what we do, psychologists in general and the sorts of things
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we think about and discuss and on the list serve.
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There was somebody who said my part or not listserv was a
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Facebook group or something and someone who's talking about a
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client where one was a sexual and one wasn't.
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And there's all these younger people and I've told you my age
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repeatedly and I'm 42 now and so there's these people like are in
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their 30s, etc. 20s, you know, and they're saying oh, OK.
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So basically the point was 1 person's asexual, 1 person's
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not. I chimed in.
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Get the hell out of dodge right in some sort of more
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professional way, I assume. Possibly not.
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You know, this is never going to work longterm.
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Like this person deserves to have a sex life.
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This other person's never going to desire them.
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They should split up. Then all these younger
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therapists, a lot of younger, maybe same age, I don't know,
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looked younger on the profile pictures, said well there's
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different kinds of asexual and you know maybe they could do
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different things. Maybe they could be Poly, you
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know, so the one person has sex with people outside the
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marriage, but then or the relationship and then, you know,
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they just are romantic together. Or one person said, well, I'm
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asexual and I could have sex under specific circumstances in
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specific ways because I understand that sex is necessary
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for my partner and it would always be something I did for my
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partner. Now, of course, this person does
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not know how they're going to feel over time with changing,
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you know, age and hormones, etcetera.
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But I found it to be interesting, right, that this
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would be positive as a solution. So this would be the example of
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a sex positive or a sex neutral asexual.
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Somebody who will have sex sometimes for the partner
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doesn't have bad feelings about sex.
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Now though, you can have a sex negative asexual that finds it
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all disgusting. It's really unpleasant.
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It's really disgusting, It's abhorrent.
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In that case, they really do not want to have sex.
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They're incredibly averse to it. They don't understand it and
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they find it repulsive. So if you so so listen, none of
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these are the best case outcome, right?
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For somebody who is a sexual entity to be with an asexual.
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It's difficult as it would be for a straight person to be with
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a gay person, but out of all the options, the sex -1, that's the
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worst because that person really deeply finds this repugnant.
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I don't see a way ethically for these people to remain having
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sex, right? I mean, so the person doesn't
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identify as a sexual entity, Never did.
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Now of course, this is no bait and switch.
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Don't anybody go down that rabbit hole of bait and switch
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asexual. Like the word just came out
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like, I don't know, five years ago into like the common
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discourse. Nobody I've ever talked to that
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ends up doing enough reading and saying that they were asexual,
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ever knew about it. It's going to be different in
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this generation for sure, but this coming up generation, but
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nobody that's even remotely in their 30s.
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Plus, you know, if they say they didn't know about this before,
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you believe them because it is not widely publicized that this
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is even an option on the spectrum of human sexuality.
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Nobody ever even used to talk about a spectrum of human
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sexuality. You were straighter.
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You were gay. That was it.
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You know, by maybe you know, but really, like the spectrum thing
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has just been understood recently.
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But if you think about it, didn't you know asexuals?
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You know, I mean, if you think about it, in your friend group,
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among your teachers, among like your, your bosses and coworkers,
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weren't there always people that kind of just didn't seem like
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sexual entities? Well, shit, that's what they
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probably were. Now, there's one thing that
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often confuses men who are married to asexual women, which
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is they say, but then why does she look nice?
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Why does she get dressed up? Or why does she try to look
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feminine? She wants to fit in.
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You know, she looks nice because she thinks that makes her they
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look nice. There's only so many ways for
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people to look attractive. You know, doing your hair,
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combing your hair, brushing your hair, looking neat and clean,
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wearing clothes that are, you know, clothes for your gender,
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doesn't mean they're a gender, doesn't mean they don't have a
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gender. They have a gender and they
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could be romantic as well. They just don't see any
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correlation at all between liking somebody and wanting to
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have sex with them or thinking somebody's attractive, including
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themselves and anything sexual at all.
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They would never want a person to look at them and want to have
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sex with them based on how they're dressed.
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That is in no way in why they are trying to look nice or
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anything remotely like it. So if some of this makes sense
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to you, you know you might what? There were quizzes online and
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things. And this isn't like a medical
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diagnosis. It's it's something.
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It's an orientation. And if your partner has this
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orientation, it can make sense of a lot of stuff and it can do.
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The number one thing that I'm always trying to do to help
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people is you cannot take their lack of interest personally.
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This is why I also talk tell you guys to talk about X's.
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I have a whole podcast Why To talk about X's.
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And if you cannot be insecure and you can go back through a
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relationship history, it can be massively illuminating.
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So for example, you could say to your wife, but I thought you had
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boyfriends, you know, and she'd be like, yeah, yeah, but I
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didn't like sex, you know? Like I never, like, wanted to
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have sex or anything. It was just what we did.
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And we. So we had it.
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We had sex. And they seemed to like it.
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And so I assumed that I did what I was supposed to do.
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And it was the same with you, only I liked you even more, you
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know. And so I didn't mind it or
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anything. And I think I had an orgasm a
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couple of times or some. You want to be have your mind
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blown. Some asexuals even masturbate,
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right? Because they like it.
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They like the feeling of it. Who doesn't, right?
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I mean, the other asexuals don't or like a lot of people don't,
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but I'm speaking colloquially. But the point is, you can enjoy
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having an orgasm and and being asexual.
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You don't associate it with sex. You're not fantasizing about
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sex. It is.
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It is a a nice feeling. It's a nice feeling to have, but
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you don't associate it with anything sexual.
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I know that that sounds weird, but to somebody who's not to not
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asexual, but it's it's it's like the way that some people
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masturbate to go to sleep, but it's like that times a million,
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right? They just literally only feel it
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as a physical sensation. Now this would be a better type
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of asexual for a sexual person to be married to because they
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might still enjoy sex as a physical sensation.
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But This is why, like, your dirty talk is, like, so weird to
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them. And they never say anything or
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whatever because, like, they don't get it.
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They really don't get it. They don't get what you're
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talking about. They don't get why the things
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you're saying would be considered erotic.
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They don't do erotic. So like, they they don't get the
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whole thing. The whole thing is so confusing,
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you know? And they can sometimes
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understand sex very clearly as physical release.
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They don't want any foreplay. This can be done in a certain
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way that feels good to them, like kind of masturbating, using
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another person's body that they understand.
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OK, every so often my partner needs release.
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And that I believe is kind of what the person was saying in
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the in the Facebook group with therapists every so often as an
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asexual, I can do this with my partner.
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And also, you know, it's not a biggie to me like you know, it's
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can happen. It cannot happen.
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I understand that that. So.
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So like, a person who is asexual often would then say, OK, fine,
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go outside the marriage for sex. I certainly don't want to do it.
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You know, So that's the other thing that can happen out of
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this discussion of having an asexual partner is like, well,
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listen, you don't want to do it, particularly if you're a sex
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negative asexual. But even if you're sex positive
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or sex, remember, sex positive is just that they understand
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that other people like sex. And they're like, oh, good,
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great, that's a good thing in the world, You know, that people
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have sex and they like it. And sex neutral doesn't think
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about it one way or the other, you know, But especially if
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they're sex negative, but even if they're one of the other two,
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it doesn't it to them, it's like if you went cooking with
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somebody else, so you went roller skating with somebody
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else, you know, it's something that maybe they don't want to
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do, not maybe that they don't want to do anyway.
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So therefore they don't have any emotional salience attached to
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it. They only wouldn't want you to
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fall in love with that person and leave them.
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But they probably wouldn't mind it, and many don't.
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And that's why the other the other solution was posited by
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other of the younger therapists who work with more of the
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bisexual spectrum was what about Poly polyamory?
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And what about the partner getting the sexual needs met
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outside of the relationship? So I found it very interesting.
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And I have worked with some people who have discovered this
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themselves. And then there's some people who
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I've asked, you know, after they say something that like makes me
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think about it. But often you don't know this
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until much later on in your work with somebody.
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Which is why I'm doing it as a podcast to expedite people
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potentially thinking of it as a possibility before they even
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come in. Because usually the women who
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are asexual sound a lot like the other women that are just burned
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out on sex and touched out. And you know, they're having
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marital conflict and they're have no idea about responsive
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desire. So they never want to get
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themselves in the mood. So, like, like, you know, they
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look a lot similar, really. But the difference comes when
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you talk about when they were young, like, what they thought
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about sex. They never liked sex.
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They never really got it. They never understood it.
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Or when you say, did you ever see a person who's attractive
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and want to have sex with them and they say, no, no, I never
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did that, you know, and they don't really get that other
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people do that. They think it's kind of like a
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thing. People say like, oh, that person
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so hot I want to have sex with them.
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It's like saying, oh, that person so hot they should get a
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modeling contract. You know, it doesn't have to do
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with I myself and my genitalia would like to be involved with
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that human being who is attractive and therefore makes
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me desire sex. Like, it hasn't.
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It's like, so far from that has nothing to do with that.
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All right. I hope that you guys found this
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pretty interesting. If you did, then you should
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Google more about asexuality. You know, you should really dive
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into it more because it is an interesting space that most
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people have not researched, you know, because they just don't
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think, they think of asexuals as like, somebody that's not
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attractive, that wouldn't be in a romantic relationship, that
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doesn't have any romantic sense. It's not that at all.
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It's exactly what I've described in this episode.
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All right. I hope you found this useful and
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I'll talk to y'all soon. Have a great day guys.