Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / You Can Likely Get Laid Once More Per Week If You Try Hard Enough But It Ain't Gonna Change Much

Transcript

You Can Likely Get Laid Once More Per Week If You Try Hard Enough But It Ain't Gonna Change Much · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
0:07
Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about how it is
0:11
likely that listening to all my stuff and showing it to your
0:15
wife. Harassing her.
0:17
I mean, you know, sharing with her all of my bone moths of
0:23
wisdom will, possibly get you to get laid one more time per week,
0:26
if not more, but in the majority of cases, where I've seen that
0:30
magical change transpire, the guy doesn't care.
0:35
With in like a couple of weeks he realizes that is not adequate
0:39
because deeper needs were not addressed on his end as well as
0:43
within the relationship as a whole.
0:44
So we will get to that all and unpack that right after.
0:49
I, of course, tell you to subscribe my most recent
0:51
subscriber only episode was why it is not the aphrodisiac.
0:55
You may think it is to yell at your children and how that
0:58
really makes your wife not want to have sex with you.
1:02
And there's really not much to say more about that.
1:05
That except, of course there's also 69.
1:08
Haha, other episodes that you can get if you become a
1:11
subscriber and you should also join my Facebook group because
1:15
that's where I get the majority of my podcast ideas and I
1:19
interact avidly in that group. So if you want to be able to
1:22
talk to me for Beyond a fraction of what it would cost to be my
1:27
client, although obviously you're not getting the same
1:30
level of Engagement as that but certainly you get to talk to me
1:34
in In frequently real time. Whenever I go into that group in
1:40
the comment section. I mean, this is all via, you
1:42
know, comments and stuff. And also, you get to interact
1:45
with plenty of other people in that group that have similar
1:47
interests to you that are also people who like to read my stuff
1:52
and listen to my stuff. So anyway let's go to the topic
1:56
at hand which is this magical idea that men have that
2:01
unfortunately does not work that if their wife just had sex with
2:04
them. One more time per week or so.
2:07
Everything's going to be better and they're going to be a
2:09
happier man now. Yeah, I mean, you're not going
2:11
to be a well, you know, I was going to say, you wouldn't be a
2:14
less unhappy, man, but ironically, sometimes people do
2:18
become a less unhappy, a less happy man.
2:21
With the addition of the one more time per week of sex.
2:23
And you might say, how does that work?
2:27
I'm a numbers guy. And that seems to not be
2:30
reasonable, but it is because this entire time you've had in
2:33
your mind, the potential Of what your relationship could turn
2:36
into if your wife just just you know, gave you a blowjob every
2:41
so often or just had sex with you you know a couple more times
2:44
a month or maybe you're a big thinker and you're like yeah
2:47
I'll be two times more per week. That would truly make me happy.
2:50
Well, I really think you could probably get there honestly to
2:56
to shut you up. You know, your wife probably
2:58
would do that if she was inundated with enough of my shit
3:02
and or you threaten divorce, not that I'm telling you to act.
3:05
In any, of those ways, don't do either of those things unless
3:08
you truly mean that you want to leave, but don't don't use like
3:12
random ass threads that you don't intend you.
3:14
No, that's just manipulative bullshit.
3:16
But anyway, my point is when men get to the point that their wife
3:20
is finally, like, you know what, I understand.
3:22
The physical touch is a real love language.
3:24
I may have been thinking about it wrong.
3:26
You know, like you've shown me enough of this woman's shit that
3:30
like I must be forced to capitulate fine.
3:33
I love you. I'll do it.
3:36
So few men are happy with that because that is an exactly what
3:39
they say that. That's not what they really
3:41
needed. Now what are they really need?
3:43
And or who is drawn to a dynamic in which their needs have been
3:47
ignored for a decade or around there?
3:52
Sometimes to I get men. And well it's going to be men
3:56
with unresolved childhood issues because as I just discussed in
3:59
the most recent podcast about who thinks they deserve a bad
4:01
sex life, which you may think? Oh, I never thought I deserved
4:04
it. Well, listen, if You put up with
4:05
something for 10 years, there's some part of your subconscious
4:07
that thinks you deserve it. So the men that are drawn to
4:10
situations like this are men who did not get their emotional
4:13
needs met early in life and did not feel prioritized.
4:16
And those men really need to be in therapy, which means that
4:19
100% of the men that think that magically their life would be
4:23
transformed by one more time of your five to 10-minute
4:26
intercourse per week. Need to be in therapy.
4:28
Not just because when I say it like that, it does sound
4:30
delusional, but because there are obvious deep psychological
4:34
emotional issue. Your family of origin that have
4:36
made you fixate on the fact that one person and one vagina could
4:41
cure all of your problems without a deeper connection and
4:45
understanding. So there are ways for your
4:49
relationship to improve such that you feel a lot different
4:52
about everything but I'll tell you what they do not include,
4:55
they do not include basically emotionally blackmailing your
4:59
wife and to having more sex with you because otherwise, she
5:01
thinks that you're going to leave her.
5:02
Dad doesn't work in the long term.
5:05
Erm. So then you may say what am I
5:08
suggesting and why have you been sending all of my podcast to
5:11
your wife to the point that she wants to remove her eardrums by
5:15
force? What I'm suggesting is that you
5:18
first got to look at yourself. There is no man, I've ever
5:21
worked with that. Has this fantasy about the
5:24
transformational power of incremental, sexual change that
5:28
does not have in his upbringing. A profound profound deficit in
5:34
how his needs were met. I'm telling you this And I want
5:36
to believe me, but you probably open to it if you listen to 200
5:41
plus podcasts, you probably open-minded, but that this is
5:46
God's honest truth. So here's what happened really
5:50
quickly. I mean, all that shit could have
5:52
been pieced together from my other stuff.
5:54
But what am I? If not helpful.
5:55
So I'll summarize it again. You grew up getting your needs
5:59
kind of ignored, if not minimized, and mocked best case.
6:03
Situation ignored your likely a A Workhorse sort of guy.
6:08
You put your pedal to the metal and you've worked hard.
6:11
You think that this is your worth?
6:13
As a man is what you can do on, provide, not who you
6:16
intrinsically. Are this makes you
6:18
subconsciously drawn to a woman who this is the not flattering
6:22
part for the woman. The woman's the woman's I was
6:25
told to say the women who are sent this podcasts.
6:29
But men like this are drawn to women who are a little bit
6:33
self-centered because why it's fascinating to them.
6:36
It's fascinating. It's like you can say what you
6:40
want and need and shit that you don't want to do and like you're
6:44
cool doing that and you're like even confident doing it.
6:47
So it's funny like the like so if you look back into your
6:50
courtship with your wife, who now won't sleep with you as much
6:54
as you want. And I'll get to the fact of how
6:58
biology interacts with this whole thing because you may be
7:00
like what the fuck. You told me that within
7:03
monogamy, all female, desire decreases and So how could it
7:07
be? That one specific type of guy is
7:10
more prone to this? Marital dissatisfaction in the
7:13
bedroom than others. I'll tell you but just wait.
7:15
So the point I was making previously was in your courtship
7:19
is very likely that you thought is very cute.
7:21
That your wife was selfish and certain ways even childlike in
7:24
certain ways. So, like, you really, really
7:28
cared about like, where y'all want to eat.
7:30
Or she really, really cares about how you get your going to
7:33
raise kids. This one is like catnip to a man
7:36
whose Emotionally, neglected. These fantasies that
7:38
20-somethings have about, like, what, how they're going to raise
7:41
their kids thinking that a woman that you're into, would give a
7:44
shit enough about her kids to like, have a whole game plan,
7:48
for parenting is very adorable, two men who were really kind of
7:54
left as feral animals on their own, you know, not not suit, not
7:59
entirely but men who were not get, who did not get their
8:03
emotional needs met? This is like the most bitter.
8:06
Our irony, they're drawn to women who were like, this is the
8:09
kind parenting, I'm going to do where I can do Montessori
8:12
because when I have a child, my child is always going to be
8:14
validated and I'm going to read to them every night.
8:17
I would read that books about emotions and like all this
8:20
stuff. Now this stuff doesn't have to
8:21
be said explicitly, it could be said later on at the courtship
8:24
could even be said when she was pregnant, but I'm telling you
8:26
the woman who has a lot of opinions about everything is who
8:29
you were drawn to because you were not allowed to have any
8:32
such opinions in your early life.
8:34
So this is fascinating and Fifty you yin and yang.
8:37
However what happens, little Madison is born.
8:40
And yes she does. She starts reading the damn
8:42
books about big emotions and she becomes totally fixated on
8:45
little Madison's emotional development and you don't get
8:48
late anymore. So the bitterest of irony's yet
8:51
you adaptively, evolutionarily made the right choice because
8:54
little Madison's probably really happy or Shen.
8:57
She will stay so as long as y'all work on the marriage.
9:01
So keep listening to my podcast, not that Children of Divorce or
9:04
you know, gonna die or anything. I have my own three, they're
9:07
doing pretty well, but you know what I mean?
9:09
Let's let's get off that tangent about Madison.
9:12
Let her read the book by herself for a change in the corner of
9:15
this hypothetical while we focus on you and your wife.
9:18
So what happens is, you get involved with a woman who tends
9:23
to be somewhat self oriented? Let's say much more in touch
9:29
with her needs. Let's say than you.
9:32
And so after the marriage Starts, when her sex drive goes
9:37
down, she's going to be less likely than the average woman to
9:40
do shit. She doesn't want to do
9:41
especially after kids. When the biological sex drive,
9:45
deep creases, you know, times a million you'd exponentially
9:50
precipitously declines. And then she never really wants
9:54
to have sex. So then she never does or she
9:56
very rarely does and so you are used to never getting your needs
10:00
met to you. Let this shit go on for far far,
10:02
far too long, and it's been years and years.
10:06
Years and years and years. Because on a very deep level,
10:08
you did not believe that you deserved anything different
10:12
because it was very subconsciously familiar to you
10:15
to have your needs denied. So, the first thing that your
10:17
ask needs to do, instead of sending these podcasts to your
10:20
wife, is to get into your own therapy, in your own individual
10:24
Insight oriented Psychotherapy in, which you are going to
10:27
tackle, your family of origin, issues your self-esteem issues.
10:31
Why do you think that you're only worth is in what you can do
10:34
and provide an achieve And why did you not think it was a red
10:39
flag when she laughed in your desire for, you know, oral sex?
10:44
Let's say early in the relationship or when she used to
10:47
chide you for being too, sexual, even before the marriage
10:52
started, even in a quote joking way, or when she never does
10:57
really much of anything that you want to do, when you're Frank
10:59
with yourself. Why did you not think that this
11:02
was a red flag, right? And, you know, she may have been
11:05
a Lot less self-centered with a different kind of guy who self
11:08
advocated. So like you made the problem
11:11
worse. You know, by always trying to do
11:13
everything she wants everything, she wants everything She Wants,
11:15
why did you do this? Because you don't think you
11:17
deserve to say what you want. And I'm not saying that you're
11:20
some like little victim of this. Well you were as a child and
11:23
what also what kind of woman becomes like she did usually the
11:28
houses are not very dissimilar in that they're just functional.
11:33
So like the Tolstoy quote which is that I think All unhappy
11:36
families are our similars. All happy families are similar
11:40
and all unhappy families. Either way, I shouldn't have
11:42
brought it up because I obviously don't know.
11:44
The key difference of whether it was unhappy or happy that he
11:48
said, we're all similar. But the point being that happy
11:52
and unhappy families are pretty different from one another, and
11:55
you and your wife were likely raised in equivalently
11:57
dysfunctional families, although slightly different.
12:00
She saw one parent very often self-advocate and Decided
12:07
resolved to never be rolled over or steamrolled as she saw the
12:12
other parent being. So she became more of the
12:16
decider in the relationship and you became more of the person
12:19
who has shit decided at least within the family realm.
12:22
Although outside of that in business, you may be mr.
12:24
Decision-maker, in the home. Have you decided anything
12:28
recently by recently? I mean, ever probably not.
12:32
So anyhow, this is how this Dynamic develops so you Against
12:36
your own therapy, because here's what's going to happen if you
12:39
get laid one more time per week, which I truly, I have faith in
12:42
you. I have helped men do this.
12:45
And you really can you can get laid more.
12:47
You can, you know what, it's not going to help anything is going
12:50
to help anything, except you got maybe one less time a week to
12:53
masturbate so which who cares? So the point being that you're
12:59
not worried about the quantity what you and you're not even
13:02
worried about the quality what you really want is the
13:05
validation and the Understanding from your wife that you matter.
13:09
This is what you want on a super deep level.
13:12
And since your Prime way to express, love is physically.
13:17
It will be massively. Healing, if you can get your
13:19
wife to understand that, your deep emotional needs are met by
13:23
sex and no matter how often she does it even if she only had
13:28
one, wonderful glowing sexual experience with you ever before,
13:33
you know, her vagina was taken away.
13:36
And some kind of tragic accident, you would love her
13:39
more. And feel better about yourself
13:41
in the relationship. If you just had this one,
13:44
magical sexual encounter in which she said, wow, I truly
13:47
deeply. Understand what you want.
13:49
You want love and attention and affection.
13:51
I deeply love you. And this is closed sex that I'm
13:56
giving you because I deeply love you.
13:57
That is what you want. It doesn't matter how often or
14:01
anything you want any understanding that sex to you?
14:06
You makes you feel better and like more of a man and closer
14:11
and it can be healing for your childhood experience of being
14:15
ignored. That's what re parenting does
14:17
within a healthy intimate relationship.
14:19
People get their childhood wounds repair and did and they
14:22
get to feel better about these deep things that they felt like
14:25
shit about always. So having one more time of sex
14:29
per week where she's like here, hurry up get it over with is
14:33
gonna make things worse, not Better or even if she learns
14:37
never to say, hurry up, get it over with if it's this.
14:40
No foreplay quick intercourse turret.
14:43
You know she turns over and you do it.
14:45
You could do that every night and it wouldn't change.
14:48
Anything, could you want her mind not her body and oh my God,
14:53
what does that sound like? That sounds like the feminist
14:55
stuff that she's always saying, right that she wants to be loved
14:58
for her mind. Not her body while check it out.
15:00
So do you, you want a meeting of the minds in which she finally
15:06
And the Primacy that you place on the sexual connection because
15:09
it repairs his childhood wounds in which you never felt like
15:13
enough. You never felt loved for you for
15:16
a man. Sex is being loved truly for who
15:19
he is nothing to about what he earns nothing to do about what
15:23
he can do for the family. He wants sex, it is not
15:27
transactional, which is so interesting because that's what
15:30
women say that they want as well.
15:32
So if you really want to heal the relationship, you have To go
15:36
back to your inner life and explore your family of origin,
15:41
such that you can communicate to your wife that you really doing
15:45
deep in her work and trying to work on your self-esteem and
15:49
trying to figure out which needs didn't get met.
15:51
And this is why you've been so obsessed with sex.
15:54
And if she truly understands that most women aren't going to
15:57
be like oh cool, so it's not about sex.
15:58
Well then I guess we don't have to have any they're not going to
16:01
say that because you're not demons you know like sure your
16:04
wife can she tends to be a little salsa?
16:06
Censored. Sure.
16:07
But a, that was a defensive reaction to her own upbringing,
16:10
and a protective mechanism. So she didn't get steamrolled.
16:12
Like probably her mother, possibly her father, but either
16:16
way, she loves you. She wants to stay married.
16:18
So she's going to respect and admire your attempt at Deep
16:22
internal work. She'll understand the relevance
16:25
of sex in a new way because it has to do with you.
16:28
You not just men need sex. That should be like yeah, well
16:32
women need the house clean. So then you're at an impasse and
16:35
you hate. Other more.
16:36
But if you talk about who you are, why, your own self-esteem
16:41
issues have come to bear on this, and then you even fall on
16:44
your sword and say, God's honest truth, which is it isn't about
16:47
sex. The thing that you're most
16:49
scared to say because you're like shit, if I say, it isn't
16:51
about sex, then she never gonna have sex with me ever again.
16:54
Well, a, how are you doing so far in that department while
16:58
obsessing about it? Not too great and be like, isn't
17:01
your point here to be an authentic genuine person?
17:03
It's never about sex because I say two men.
17:05
All The time to things prove that it's not about sex.
17:09
A, would you rather get laid tonight?
17:10
Or would you rather have a love letter, all about, how your wife
17:13
wants you needs you and loves you.
17:15
Every man, says the first a passionate love letter.
17:18
Would they would take over the next fifteen times of having sex
17:22
and be, if your wife's vagina did fall off in a horrible
17:25
accident, would you leave her? And they all say no.
17:27
So I mean, how's it going to be about sex?
17:29
And what kind of, man? A true piece of shit will leave
17:32
their wife if she can't have sex anymore, medically, you know,
17:35
where she Cancer something God forbid, right?
17:38
So but you're not that guy. If you're listening to 200 plus
17:41
podcast, you're not the guy who would do that.
17:43
So you're the guy who would stay no matter what.
17:46
As long as you knew her intentions were to deeply,
17:49
understand you and love you. And if she understands why you
17:54
want this deep understanding and love in like to be truly known
18:00
understood validated in the way that you want for, once instead
18:04
of doing what everybody else. Wants what your parents wanted,
18:07
what the people at work, want, what she wants, what the kids
18:11
want. If she understands what this
18:12
deeply means to you, then however she may choose to
18:16
express that sexually will likely be very transformational
18:20
quite honestly, you know. So so that would be sex that has
18:24
love in it and so don't negotiate for sex.
18:27
That doesn't have love anywhere in it.
18:30
That is not going to make you feel better sex with love in it,
18:33
where there is love and connection is Would be rep
18:36
reparative, right? So go get your own therapy, your
18:40
wife will really appreciate it. And I, I'm always available, not
18:46
always available, but you can always see if I am or the people
18:49
in my best life, Behavioral Health practice, and think about
18:53
this deeply. And why don't you be honest?
18:54
And share this one with your wife, right?
18:56
Because you've shared all the other ones.
18:57
So share this one which is like, maybe it isn't about sex.
19:00
I'm open to thinking that, it's not about you giving me a blow
19:04
job per se. It's with a blow job.
19:06
Job would mean it's literally that you would love me enough to
19:09
do it and to do it with love that.
19:12
It's something I never got in any way.
19:14
And honestly, most guys that I talk to if their wife came over
19:17
and sat in their lap and hug them, and kiss them, all of a
19:20
sudden somehow their need for a blowjob would diminish by like
19:23
50 percent probably per encounter.
19:25
I'm not even joking. The guys that talk to her so
19:28
love-starved it's like those, those things where they ask you
19:32
to donate your change into the ASPCA into the jar.
19:36
Like at the checkout, like by the cashier, like the dogs that
19:39
look at you with their eyes, like those dogs and the men that
19:43
I work with get, like, almost equivalent amount of physical
19:46
affection. So, you know, I mean, it's a,
19:49
it's a problem. So, listen to this podcast
19:52
together, and or don't, if she's like, don't send me one more
19:55
that woman's podcaster. I'm going to leave you.
19:57
Why don't you just respect that? But use this for the
20:00
introspection piece of, get your own therapy and figure out why
20:04
you've become obsessed with this.
20:06
And and superstitiously assumed that some more shitty sex is
20:10
going to help because it is it, and on that note, I will leave
20:13
you and have a great day. Wait, I do this infrequently.
20:18
Only in the fair play one, but I did remember something that I
20:21
wanted to explain that. I didn't know if sufficiently
20:23
was explained as for the biological piece, all women sex
20:27
drive decreases with in, monogamy.
20:29
However, in the situation that I'm describing where the man is
20:33
taught to repudiate his needs. He doesn't Anything soon enough.
20:38
He doesn't, for example, ramp up the romance and the closeness,
20:42
and talk directly about the sex life, and all we need to get
20:46
back together. We need to do these things
20:48
because he doesn't feel he needs to.
20:50
And as I said, he's drawn to a woman who has more specific
20:54
boundaries about what she will and will not do do, do her own
20:57
issues. So while everybody sex trade
21:00
goes down after marriage and after kids, in the specific
21:03
cases that I'm talking about, it goes down.
21:06
The sex drive, doesn't go down more, but the sex goes down more
21:09
because the man subconsciously allows it to, and, or starts to
21:15
hyper fixate on only the sexual piece, because he's kind of
21:20
obsessed with these unresolved issues in his own.
21:22
Childhood of his needs are not getting met.
21:24
So that the woman feels even more turned off, the man may
21:26
have even less empathy because he feels, he's always getting
21:30
short on to the stick. Basically always in his whole
21:32
life in terms of getting his needs met.
21:34
So he becomes hyper Focused on solely getting the sex life back
21:39
without then understanding and empathizing with maybe what it's
21:43
like for a woman after children, etc, etc.
21:46
So that is what I meant everybody.
21:48
Sex drug does go down though. There's no way that you could
21:50
have prevented that with a different Choice.
21:52
There are women who are higher libido than their Partners, but
21:54
they got their own problem. They got the gender inverse of
21:57
what I'm talking about, where they're the ones who never got
22:00
their needs met. So a guy refusing, sex and
22:02
dating, they don't even think about is like, the hugest.
22:05
Red flag of all red flags in the world.
22:08
All right, talk to you soon. Bye, bye.