Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Other Reasons Your Libido May Be Low

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Other Reasons Your Libido May Be Low · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:06
Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctors.
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Psych mom, show today. I am going to talk about sex for
0:13
a change, right? Just kidding, everything.
0:16
I talked about half of them, at least are about sex.
0:19
But before I do, I want to tell you all to subscribe again
0:23
because I keep telling you and you all keep subscribing.
0:26
So apparently I'm doing something right?
0:28
So that's great. Thank you so much for
0:30
subscribing and if you do subscribe you can hear lots.
0:34
And lots of bonus episodes. Next one, after this is going to
0:37
be a bonus episode. I don't know what it's going to
0:40
be about. It'll probably come to me while
0:42
I'm recording this episode. So for this episode, I'm going
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to talk about sex in terms of obviously, I talk about sex
0:52
drive disparities a lot. But what are some times where
0:57
women really experience 00 libido and should not really be
1:02
expected to have any sort of a libido?
1:04
So, Basically women should try their best to get into the mood
1:08
as I've discussed with responsive desire, you really
1:12
need to try to get in the mood and then once you start having
1:15
sex a little while and you'll be in the mood, you know, or if
1:18
you're not stop, try again another day but at least you've
1:21
tried unfrequently. If you just start kissing
1:24
etcetera, you will get into the mood.
1:25
But there are some times where women sex drive is just really
1:29
just completely absent. And I joke that that is just
1:33
kind of always in monogamy. But it's Really always.
1:37
I mean you have some sex drive again specifically responsive
1:41
desire can activate but sometimes even responsive
1:44
desire, doesn't activate. So what are these situations
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right? So that a man can understand
1:50
them better and understand why his wife.
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I mean maybe never had a high sex drive but recently it's
1:54
absolutely nothing. Why would that be?
1:58
Why one is breastfeeding. Many people don't know that
2:01
breastfeeding actually puts a woman's body basically into a
2:04
state of menopause. Because their body is saying,
2:07
don't make another baby. I'm feeding a baby, like one of
2:10
the first ways that I knew that I was pregnant with my middle.
2:13
Child was, because I was nursing my first and like, overnight my
2:17
milk went away. So, you know, when you wake up
2:22
and you have like, a bra size is too less, because your milk went
2:25
away. That's a fairly dramatic
2:26
indicator that your body cannot sustain feeding one, baby and
2:31
being pregnant with another. So, your body is trying to make
2:34
this not happen. But of course, you can get
2:37
pregnant when you breastfeed still as like I did.
2:40
And I did on purpose all my babies were on purpose even
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though they were three and three and a half years.
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So it was stupid to but a it was purposefully stupid.
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I did want them all together. I was an only child I wanted
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them all to have little friends but that is tangent and back to
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the issue at hand. If you are a wife is
3:00
breastfeeding, but her body is saying, don't make another baby,
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so don't want sex. So really her, Sure, she's going
3:06
to not be as lubricated, and she's just going to be pretty
3:09
kind of discussed it. That was the first time in my
3:12
life, that I really understood, what it would be like to have
3:16
zero libido. Is when I was breastfeeding, my
3:18
first baby, I hadn't, I was young, I had my first 28, which,
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you know, nowadays considered young and I had never
3:27
experienced the zero sex drive at all, until I had my first,
3:33
you know, my until I was breastfeeding my Baby.
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And then I was like, oh my God, this must be what it's like to
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be like an old person and it was it was like, kind of why are we
3:42
doing this? You know, that's how it felt
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like, why are we doing this ridiculous activity?
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When you strip out the sex drive, completely sex, seems
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kind of silly, you know. It seems like what like, you
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know, like learning like some sort of mazurka like some sort
3:57
of exotic dance for no reason. So anyhow one big one is when
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women are breastfeeding. So does this mean you should
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never ever? Have sex when you're
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breastfeeding. Certainly not, you know, we
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gotta keep keep on, keep the relationship alive but
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understand that it's not you. If you are either the man or the
4:15
woman in this situation it is your body.
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So you're going to have to be a lot more understanding and
4:21
compassionate whether that's self-compassionate or
4:23
compassionate toward your wife. Knowing that it's not just she's
4:27
like doesn't love you or like she finds you ugly.
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Now, her body is literally saying do not make another baby.
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Biologically. You may want another baby like I
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did you maybe just a stupid as me.
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I want to have two three and three and a half years, which
4:44
has its pluses and minuses anyhow another one.
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So, like premenstrual week. So some women want to have sex
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especially the day before their period, that's like, kind of and
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it can bring it on having sex can bring on your period, but
5:02
many women don't even want to be touched.
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They don't even want to look at the man.
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They feel so irritated. Irritable, in fact, pmdd or
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premenstrual. Dysphoric disorder has been used
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as a defense. That moved murder down to
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manslaughter in British case in the court, the woman killed
5:18
somebody in her premenstrual week and she had pretty bad
5:21
pmdd. That wasn't treated.
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And so it was kind of her her new, it wasn't murder anymore.
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I don't know what the term is not diagnosis.
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I'm too much of a psychologist that whatever her knew her new
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diagnosis. The Prisoner was not a murderer,
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but a manslaughterer because the court found that she just like,
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literally had to kill someone in the week before her period,
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which I'm sure many of my female listeners and their husbands
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identify with. So if this is you really do not
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expect to have sex in that we can.
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Sometimes when I work with couples I say literally don't
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even have sex that week. Don't even try to have sex that
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week have sex all the other weeks you know but not that we
6:03
some people have sex on their period, some people don't Aunt,
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but usually mentally. It's better to do it on your
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period. Then to do it the week before
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your period. Everybody's different though.
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However, some women get premenstrual, dysphoric disorder
6:16
and they turn into a very different person the week before
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their period and it's really not even a person you want to have
6:23
sex with. So this one should not really be
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that hard in that case where your wife does have this, or
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where you have this, another one is menopause.
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So a lot of women and this is unfortunately, Jeannette.
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Because you know, you keep being married after menopause, but the
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average age of menopause in women is 52 and menopause, very
6:44
long process. Perimenopause can last for up to
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a decade or more before menopause, which means that your
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hormones start to change and your, your sex hormones start to
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decrease and your estrogen, and particular, which some book
6:58
called The yes, honey hormone or something like that, that really
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drops. And so, They mean by that, it's
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the hormone that makes you want to like do nice stuff and take
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care of everybody. When your estrogens gone, many
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women are like, what? It's almost like, waking up from
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like a long Bender. You're like, what in the hell
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was? I doing all that stuff for
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everybody. All the damn time.
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Like now, I want to do something for me and they don't have any
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drive to procreate and that frequently can, you know, come
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on kurz. What is with my words today?
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Usually, I am just really just so good at this, but, So, I
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frequently overlaps with no sex drive, you don't want to take
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care of your husband. You don't want to take care of
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any kids. You don't take care of anybody.
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It's like, screw y'all. I want to take care of me.
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This is frequently when women will get a different career
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because they just don't really care about the care taking part.
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And if they have been very, you know, nicely and giving Lee
7:58
having sex trying to get themselves in the mood like all
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these years and and enjoying it, you know, and whatever
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especially Really the part where their husband is happy, they may
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no longer really give a shit if their husband kind of even is
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happier is in the room or is in the country.
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So, this is when a lot of women actually initiate divorce
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because they don't want to go through a charade of having any
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sort of romantic or sexual encounter with somebody that
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they don't really find to be appealing because they don't
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find the entire idea to be appealing anymore.
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And you know what? A lot of credit to these women
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because that allows these guys to go Out and find somebody who
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wants to have sex with them, you know, so great.
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But everybody can be happy there to some degree especially once
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the kids are out of the house. So, yeah.
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So we've done menopause. Then we've done fake menopause,
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which is nursing. Then we've done premenstrual
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week. Also, if a woman is depressed,
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if she has clinical depression, her libido may be nowhere.
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Ironically in a bitter pharmaceutical irony one of the
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symptoms of Science is no libido.
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So it's interesting you really got to do a cost-benefit
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analysis as a practitioner. I don't prescribe again I'm not
9:13
an MD but psychiatrist on the psychologist like myself.
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Who may work with them on particular clients cases, it's
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like a cost-benefit analysis. So the person has no libido
9:23
because they are depressed, but then the antidepressants going
9:25
to give them no libido. Well, that's like an easy one
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because better for them to be happy.
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They're not having sex in either case.
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But in a case where Person is depressed, but they do have a
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libido, which is common. If you have a physical touch
9:40
love language and the antidepressant is going to give
9:42
you no libido, then it's like a cost-benefit analysis.
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How depressed are you are, there other drugs, you could try,
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whatever, whatever, most ssris leads to some sort of sexual
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side effects. Although not everyone for every
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person I have some clients don't have any sexual side effects
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from antidepressants, which is wonderful for them.
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Anyone that I've tried, I've always had very bad sexual side
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effects, like kind of like Being back nursing again, you know, or
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being the fast-forwarding to menopause.
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So that's like, part of the reason that those haven't ever
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worked for me and addition to other side effects.
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But yeah, if your wife is depressed, if you're reading, if
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you're listening to this and you are the depressed woman, it can
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be tough because you don't have a sex drive, so I'm some of us
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do some don't. But then the antidepressants
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also don't work well with that. What else can something be?
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What else can be done? Rather.
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What else is something that can be done?
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Sometimes doctors, will prescribe like Cialis or Viagra
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for women? Even right before they have sex,
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if they're on an antidepressant and they have no sex drive.
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So that is like something to ask about if that's what you want to
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do. And there are also
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antidepressants with fewer sexual side effects, like
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Wellbutrin. What is another time when women
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have no sex drive? Well, when they're depressed is
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an obvious one. When they're pregnant also,
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pregnancy leads to a lot of different hormonal changes, this
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leads to some women, wanting sex all the time and some women
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don't want it at all. The anything that leads to
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hormonal changes. I hope that you're kind of
11:18
understanding this theme can really mess with the female
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libido, which is very little tenuous fragile creature, the
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female libido and anything can really knock it off course.
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Also, if there has been any sort of trauma history, now, this
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isn't something that like, is temporary that messes with
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libido. I just thought I should add it
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in there that can like, permanently, fuck up your libido
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because in the honeymoon stage, maybe you can be like, you can
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damp down any sort of thoughts or intrusive thoughts about your
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past trauma. But after that frequently,
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women's libido, women who have been abused sexually or men for
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that matter who have been abused sexually their libido, just dies
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on the Fine. It's just dormant.
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And this is obviously, because of trauma, you know, if
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something happened to you in the sexual realm at an
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impressionable age, then you're really knocked off course of
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normative development. And so that is definitely
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something that can permanently hurt your libido without
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treatment, however, with treatment, you can really work
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on reclaiming this and that's something that I talk about a
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lot. And then, I've even worked with
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people successfully on doing, which is pretty rewarding to try
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to give that back to somebody. From whom it was stolen by
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virtue of abuse or trauma. Now, another libido killer that
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people don't really know about is birth control.
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If you're on the pill, like a lot of guys really want women to
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go on the pill because as seems effortless effortless for shit,
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you know, you know, it's effortless is celibacy.
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So that would be my response. And what I tell my daughter's
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their response should be because for many of us, birth control
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really messy Your hormones when it messes up your hormones.
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As I just said that can really mess up your libido and your
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mood. I was working with many clients
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that have gone off of birth control and realize that they
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don't have to be like really irritable depressed fatigued.
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Basically your it's tricking your body into thinking, it's
13:18
pregnant all the time so that you don't ovulate or menstruate.
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So guess what happens? Like, whatever happened when you
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were pregnant but worse, because, you know, you, you
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never get into a different trimester.
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Like you're always kind of like, Early pregnant, which is
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terrible, but that can really mess up your libido.
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So for a lot of men, if there if that's explained to them, they
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will no longer be. So gung-ho about you going on
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the pill. If you don't like to be on the
13:44
pill if because I know for myself, it really messed with my
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mood. You know, if you're a highly
13:48
sensitive person, as I've said that I am and so many of you,
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are you really, it takes very little to be greatly impacted by
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something that everybody says is no big deal.
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There that side effects of the medication or whether that is
14:04
noise or whether that is no sleep or whether that's a change
14:07
in, what you eat, whatever it is is going to knock you off
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course. And you really don't need that
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in a delicate balance of your hormone.
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So if birth control works for you great, but if you've been on
14:18
the pill and you have no libido and you've been on the pill
14:21
since you were 16 for your skin or something like that.
14:24
You know, you might want to talk with your provider about the
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idea of getting off and seeing what your natural libido is a
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lot of I don't even know a lot of women think that they're low
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libido and they've been on the pill for, like 20 years.
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So, how the hell do they know? You know, really what it would
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be without that? They don't in my case, I tried
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many years ago to go on the pill.
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I had already been like an adult human, so I knew that there was
14:47
a change in me, but when and I'm also pretty self-aware about
14:51
that sort of thing. A lot of women that aren't and
14:53
that don't really think terribly deeply about what their sex
14:56
drive is, or what impacts them, they don't know.
14:59
So a no fault of their own They are told that the pill is nice
15:02
and easy from all of these doctors.
15:04
So so it is really something to think about if you really have
15:08
no libido and even on the pill forever or if you think that you
15:12
have side effects from the pill but then you Google it and oh
15:14
guess what you're you don't they tell you you don't.
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Well, if you do and you think you do, then you need to you
15:20
know really own that and self validate.
15:25
And say yeah you know what, I know my own body.
15:27
So any sort of medication birth control anti Depressants
15:31
whatever can really mess with your sex drive.
15:34
So what do you do in the case where you have some of these?
15:37
Well, as in the antidepressant example, they're usually other
15:41
medications are definitely other forms of birth control that
15:45
people can use. If that's the issue when you're
15:48
nursing, guess what? You're not going to be nursing
15:50
forever and even when you nurse less, sometimes that can, you
15:55
know, as a baby gets bigger sometimes that can lead to a
15:58
concomitant change in your In drive and uptick.
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And if it's something like every week before your period, you are
16:07
just raging huge ball of, you know, horribleness then
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frequently. They will actually prescribe you
16:16
antidepressants or birth control.
16:18
Sometimes the devil, you know, or like, you know, it's all
16:22
cause benefit analysis. So you we all got to compare how
16:26
bad people are on one thing versus another thing in this
16:29
life, some people For example, birth control is going to make
16:32
their libido go up because they never have to worry about
16:34
getting pregnant. And that was like, such a big
16:36
worried that now they actually want to have sex more
16:39
frequently. And so it's really the sort of
16:43
thing where two people the man and the woman together, woman
16:47
and woman together. In whatever case they got to be
16:52
on the same team. So we want to have a sex life.
16:54
However, there are these variables, some of them are very
16:57
obvious to see if your wife is nine months pregnant.
17:00
And she just want to have sex with you and you can't deal with
17:03
that. Then you are, you know, your
17:05
clinical diagnosis is asshole. You know, because obviously
17:08
she's not going to be pregnant next month and she's super
17:11
uncomfortable and she's got bigger, fish to fry then whether
17:14
you have sex. But if it's something like you
17:16
are with a woman and she's gone through menopause and she's
17:19
alerted, you that she will never have sex again.
17:21
Stay in in that situation makes you really quite sad, sorrowful
17:28
tragic, pathetic character. That probably needs to, you
17:32
know, go to therapy and examine how you want the rest of your
17:35
life to look. It wouldn't mean.
17:36
You should coerce ever or even try to convince a woman that
17:42
doesn't want to have sex with you to have sex with you.
17:44
The you don't need to like make a PowerPoint about like the
17:47
benefits of postmenopausal sex life know if you're ever in a
17:51
situation as a man where a woman is literally like I am done
17:54
having sex. This is no longer important to
17:55
me that is when you get your ass into therapy and you and your
17:59
therapist figure out your next steps.
18:00
You don't deserve to live like that, right?
18:03
That would be just like, if you came home and said to your wife,
18:06
you know, I just don't think I'm ever going to be nice to you
18:08
again like ever. I'm just not feeling it been
18:11
doing that for a bunch of years, you know, Don like she should
18:15
leave. Right.
18:16
So if ever somebody says that something, that was a big part
18:19
of your marriage is just now, over unilaterally, then it's
18:23
time to really re-evaluate your options.
18:26
But most of the things that we're talking about will do much
18:29
better. If It's two people on one side
18:32
and then the sex issue in the relationship on the other versus
18:36
one partner against the other. Especially if the one partner
18:39
against the other frame is colored by a complete lack of
18:42
education and knowledge about what goes into the female libido
18:46
such that the man is going to be like, oh she just on trying now.
18:49
There's all the trying in the world when I was nursing could
18:52
not have made me want to have sex.
18:54
I did, you know? And that's sometimes I would
18:56
enjoy it. But certainly, there was always
18:58
this kind of thought like, Are we doing why?
19:02
You know, and it was so different than my previous, or
19:06
after sex drive that it was very obvious to me.
19:09
But picture I had been a lower libido woman, then it would just
19:12
go from kind of very low to really nothing.
19:16
And then I could misinterpret that as, wow, my husband not
19:20
helping out with the baby, not a situation, I had.
19:22
But I could, if I was in, I could say, my husband, not
19:25
helping out with the baby is really why?
19:27
I have no sex drive? No, you have no sex drive
19:29
because your hormones are Out of whack because your body doesn't
19:32
want to make a baby. So, a lot of the work that I do
19:35
here is psychoeducation, which means education about psychology
19:39
and is done with the goal of helping people.
19:43
Not take things personally. And blame one another within a
19:46
relationship for phenomena that are rooted firmly outside the
19:50
relationship, either in individual biology or individual
19:55
past experiences. So you'll know what I did not
19:59
bring up here as a libido kill Is your husband being an
20:02
asshole? Does that mean that like a bad
20:04
marriage? Can I contribute to a lower
20:05
libido? Of course it cat, but that is
20:08
not. You gotta go through all these
20:10
other things. I'm saying before you conclude
20:13
that that's the reason because biology is is Big, you know.
20:17
It this would be like you know having a drink and you're on a
20:22
date and you have a drink and then you say oh I must be so
20:27
uninhibited and easy to share my life history.
20:30
Because Is this guy so great. No, girl, it's because you're
20:33
drinking, you know, you're buzzed or drunk.
20:36
If you're a lightweight like me. And so you, yeah, he may be
20:40
great. But that's kind of separate from
20:43
why you're talking about yourself so much.
20:46
It's because you're drunk. So, similarly, yeah, maybe your
20:50
husband is like a real dick but that usually isn't why you have
20:53
the sex drive of like a stone. That is more often than not
20:58
rooted in a myriad of, Was it is including maybe that he's not
21:03
the best man. He could be.
21:05
But there's a hell of a lot else going on.
21:08
And so before we conclude that, your husband has unilaterally
21:11
killed, your sex drive by being such a dick, which really gives
21:15
him a hell of a lot more power than he probably has.
21:17
Let's first go through these other biological more pragmatic.
21:21
Commonsensical reasons that only would not be considered common
21:25
sensical in this Western world. We live in where the mind-body
21:28
connection is really repudiated. At all at every turn.
21:32
Alright so I hope this gave you guys something to think about
21:35
and to share with your partner and it gave even one person more
21:39
of an aha moment about something related to the female libido And
21:44
subscribe if it did and subscribe, if you found a
21:48
totally useless and just subscribe because you like me
21:52
and I will talk to you all soon. Have a good day.