Latest / Libido Lounge / The Four Horsemen Destroying Your Marriage With Dr. Diane Mueller

Transcript

The Four Horsemen Destroying Your Marriage With Dr. Diane Mueller · Libido Lounge

0:01
One of the things that I've noticed for many, many years over my own life and with my work is
0:09
the importance of safety for experiencing sexual intimacy.
0:15
When we are unsafe, there can be this like dissociative type of thing that happens that
0:19
anytime a sexual act starts, rather than being present with the sensations of the body, we
0:27
check out. Safety
0:28
Safety and trust are on the same side of the pendulum.
0:31
They are directly interwoven.
0:34
If we are feeling unsafe in any way, it kicks on the survival mechanism of the body.
0:40
Your libido will typically go down.
0:48
Hi, everybody.
0:50
Welcome back to another episode of The Lounge, and happy New Year.
0:54
I hope you've had the best holiday season.
0:57
We are jumping into content today talking about trust and safety in regards to libido and sex.
1:04
I'm kicking off this New Year doing this particular podcast myself, so today you have
1:10
me, doctor Diane, yours truly.
1:12
And then next week we will continue on with our guest interviews.
1:17
So one of the things that I've noticed for many, many years over my own life and with my
1:23
work is the importance of safety for experiencing sexual intimacy.
1:30
So for example, for women, one big thing that can come up is not feeling emotionally or
1:37
mentally safe in some way, and obviously there's like the big T traumas and problems
1:44
around safety and those are important, but that is actually not what I'm talking about here.
1:50
Safety can be related to small little things, the ability to bring up something that is
1:58
vulnerable and be heard, listened, and understood.
2:03
And when we are not, when we bring up things that are vulnerable or when something happens
2:07
that violates a level of safety, that actually comes into the sex life, that actually can
2:12
create this constriction in the body.
2:15
I was talking to somebody just this week who was sharing, she was in her mid twenties, and
2:22
sharing that she was basically unable to feel anything in her genitals.
2:28
So one of the things that can happen for women and men is that when they are unsafe, when we
2:34
are unsafe, there can be this dissociative type of thing that happens that any time a sexual
2:40
act starts, rather than being present with the sensations of the body, we check out.
2:47
We go someplace else.
2:49
We our mind wanders.
2:51
And when that happens, we're not paying attention to the sensations.
2:55
We can actually see that we see energetic changes.
2:59
Right?
3:00
So I'm gonna get a little woo woo on you, and then I'm gonna come back to the topic because
3:04
it's real interesting when we look at energy.
3:07
Right?
3:08
And energy being this this substance.
3:11
Right?
3:12
This non it's a visible substance that actually runs through our body.
3:17
So one of my doctorates is in Chinese medicine and acupuncture, and what we see with that,
3:23
which is very interesting, there's studies that have been done on the acupuncture meridian,
3:28
which are these invisible lines of energy.
3:31
And what the studies have shown is that if you actually measure the skin impedance, which is
3:37
the electrical conductivity that the skin outputs, you can actually trace the acupuncture
3:43
meridian.
3:43
You can trace these invisible lines of energy because they do actually create this different
3:49
electrical signal that is actually picked up with certain scientific tools, and you can
3:54
actually find and validate the acupuncture energetic forces that way.
3:59
So we know that while this force is invisible, we now know in science that it's very, very,
4:05
very real.
4:07
And so what we see is that emotions can cause constrictions in this flow of energy.
4:13
So we have a flow of energy, for example, that connects the heart to the genitals.
4:19
And so if something happens where somebody is feeling unsafe or feeling not hurt or feeling
4:24
not validated or whatever they need, we can actually constrict this flow of energy from the
4:29
heart to the genitals.
4:31
Think of it almost like having a garden hose, like this constriction I'm talking about, and
4:36
imagine if you have a garden hose and water is flowing through it just fine, if you want to
4:41
stop the water without turning the faucet off, what you're gonna do is put a kink in the hose.
4:46
Right?
4:46
And what you're gonna get when you get a kink in that hose is that you're gonna get a backup
4:50
of that water energy on one side, and then they're gonna have that blockage, and then
4:55
you're gonna have, like, kinda nothing flowing or just a trickle on the other side.
5:00
So the same thing that can happen with our energy system where it's like there's just this
5:04
blockage due to not feeling safe.
5:09
Now what I wanted to really bring up, because one of the things that's become apparent to me
5:13
lately is this huge connection between safety and trust.
5:20
So what I've really realized is that safety and trust are on the same side of the pendulum.
5:25
They're on the same side of the seesaw.
5:28
And what I mean by that is that they are directly interwoven.
5:33
So here's an example of something that can happen that can ruin trust.
5:38
From I'm gonna talk about this from a masculine to feminine and then also from a feminine to
5:43
masculine perspective.
5:44
So because trust can be, of course, be broken in both ways, and whether it's the one way or
5:49
the other, sex, libido, intimacy, orgasm can all be impacted.
5:56
So imagine that somebody is asking their partner so let's say we'll just pick genders
6:04
here.
6:05
So let's say that a that a woman is asking her male partner to do something to, like, change a
6:10
light bulb.
6:11
And maybe she's, you know, she's she could also be asking this to a female partner.
6:14
It doesn't matter.
6:15
Right?
6:15
So a woman is asking her partner, hey, honey.
6:18
Will you change the light bulb?
6:19
And the partner says something like, yeah.
6:22
I will I have time to do that tomorrow.
6:25
And they don't do it.
6:27
And, you know, if they don't acknowledge it and a couple days go by, maybe she brings it up
6:32
again, maybe she doesn't.
6:33
And maybe the partner says, oh, yeah.
6:35
Yeah.
6:36
Yeah.
6:36
Honey, I'm on it.
6:37
I'm on it.
6:37
Promise I I'll do it this weekend, and it doesn't happen again.
6:41
Now it might seem silly.
6:43
Right?
6:44
Because you can look at it from, like, a bird's eye point of view and be like, oh my gosh.
6:48
Of all the different things in life and all the different things that humans do between taking
6:53
care of work and themselves and house and children and each other and on and on and on,
7:01
why does changing the light bulb have to actually impact the sex drive?
7:05
But here's the connection because what's really important, especially for her, is that if those
7:13
little jobs are not done, especially when they're said they were, they were promised and
7:18
they said they would be attended to, and they are not done and not done by the time they are
7:23
said they would or at least acknowledged, it can actually start to break down trust.
7:29
And it's just a minor thing, right, but it's like, gosh, I don't trust them to do this.
7:34
All of those little things around trust, all of that capacity of like, I can't trust them here
7:40
and I can't trust them there, those things actually can lead to feelings of unsafety,
7:46
especially in her, but, you know, we all have these forces inside of us, right?
7:50
So that not doing those things can then lead to a feeling of not feeling safe and therefore
7:57
things not going very well in the bedroom because it takes a energy flow to the genitals
8:03
to feel good.
8:04
It also takes the ability of the mind to be able to focus so so firmly on the genitals and
8:10
the and the pleasure.
8:12
Right?
8:13
The practice of pleasure is connected to the practice of presence, like I've said so many
8:18
times.
8:18
So they're really these small little things like that actually can have a pretty major
8:26
impact on things like trust, libido, and that's that connection between trust and safety.
8:34
Now let's look at what can happen to men.
8:36
And again, when I talk about men and women, we both have these forces inside of us, but there
8:41
are these stereotypes that are nice to talk about because they're just good for teaching,
8:46
but of course this can apply bidirectionally.
8:49
Now for men, one of the ways that the safety trust cycle and problems in the safety trust
8:56
cycle gets activated, one of the main ways is through emasculation.
9:01
And, you know, women do this and partners do this to men very frequently, not realizing it.
9:08
Right?
9:09
So in this light bulb example, if if, you know, to go back to that, I have to take a break from
9:15
what we were just talking about because I'm so excited to introduce you to a couple of my
9:19
favorite toys on the market.
9:21
Because one of the things I really, really am passionate about when it comes to sexual
9:27
health, pleasure, passion, is not only those things because those are very important, but
9:33
it's also helping you find ways to deeply heal.
9:36
And this is why I love the company Mystery Vibes so much because their products I've seen
9:41
to do just that.
9:43
So I'm gonna tell you about a couple of these.
9:45
I have a product for women and a product for men here.
9:48
So this is a female product.
9:50
This is called the Crescendo two.
9:52
You will have links in the show notes.
9:55
You will also get discounts on this.
9:58
If you use the code libido 20, you will get discounts on this product.
10:03
And what's so cool about this product, from a pleasure standpoint, and then we're gonna talk
10:07
about health standpoint, but from a pleasure standpoint, look what I can do with this
10:11
product.
10:11
It is so bendable.
10:13
So it has all of these hinges where you can bend it in all of these different ways.
10:18
And what that's allowing you to do is be very specific around which part what of the interior
10:24
of the vagina, g spot, etcetera, that you are going to access and stimulate.
10:29
Now what internal studies have shown on this particular product is that it increases arousal
10:36
about 73% and lubrication up to 93%.
10:41
So that's where I'm talking about, hey, we can get all of this uniqueness of pleasure.
10:45
We can pinpoint those spots.
10:47
We can wake up our vagina in ways that maybe other vibrators can't because you can't get the
10:52
level of maneuverability and flexibility that you can with this toy.
10:56
And all of that, and then you can also see in many people an increase in arousal and
11:01
lubrication for that deep healing component.
11:05
Also, another product that mystery vibe has for women that also has been shown to improve
11:11
arousal as well as lubrication is called the legato.
11:15
I will also put a link in the show notes about that.
11:18
It's a cock ring that that vibrates the entire vulva. It's
11:21
It's phenomenal, so also look for that.
11:24
Again, the code you're looking for is libido 20 for that discount.
11:28
And now for all the gentlemen watching.
11:30
So this is the Tenuto two.
11:32
So this toy is amazing because it has been researched to improve erections by double.
11:40
So erections go get better, performance gets better, and it can help with prostate health.
11:46
So it's a super easy toy to use.
11:49
It looks a little bit strange when you're looking at it, but all you're gonna do is
11:53
you're gonna just do penile insertion right here.
11:56
This back part will sit back on the perineum, and voila, there you go.
12:01
So again, libido 20 for this.
12:03
If you guys want better erections, if you wanna be harder longer, if you wanna please your
12:09
partner longer, and women, if you want to have a better arousal, better lubrication, and wake
12:15
up those parts of your vagina so that not only are you experiencing more pleasure, more
12:20
passion, better orgasms in many cases, but you are also deeply healing yourself as well.
12:27
So again, those will be in the show notes.
12:30
I hope you take advantage of these discounts and the coupon codes there.
12:34
Libido 20 is your coupon code.
12:36
I will see you all in a moment as we get back to our show.
12:41
Quick word from our sponsors before we continue with the episode.
12:45
Ladies, midlife isn't a crisis.
12:48
It's a power move.
12:49
On the Mature Allure podcast, we're flipping the script on aging, beauty, wellness, and
12:54
everything in between.
12:55
I'm your host, Sherry O, here to keep it real, fun, and fearless.
13:00
Ready to embrace every chapter?
13:01
Hit play on Mature Allure wherever you listen to podcasts.
13:09
Mature.
13:15
There's a few different ways something like that could be handled.
13:18
If the partner is not able to change the light bulb, let's say they they said they would
13:21
change it by Tuesday, you know, and and Tuesday comes around and they're like, wow, I'm just so
13:26
busy, I can't get to it.
13:28
One thing that can help to keep that trust is to just acknowledge to their partner and say
13:33
like, hey, I just want you to know that I said I would do it, you know, by today.
13:37
I'm feeling, you know, x y z, and, you know, I'm feeling all these things.
13:42
And, you know, there is a you know, here's here's another solution.
13:48
Right?
13:48
Here's where we can what we can do instead.
13:50
So they can even ask their partner like, hey, like, you know, I know this is important to
13:54
you.
13:54
Is it cool if I get to it tomorrow?
13:57
Right?
13:57
So that sends that signal of acknowledging, yes, I'm on this.
14:02
Yes, I feel you.
14:03
Yes, I'm aware of this.
14:05
And we talked about this some in my recent, podcast.
14:09
If you listen to our December episode with Susan Morgan Taylor, we talked about a bunch
14:14
about this, and that was part of what inspired this because Susan and I talk about this in
14:19
different ways where she talks about trust more and I talk about safety more, but what I
14:23
realized in that interview with her that I wanted to bring to the table to this discussion
14:27
is that that deep interplay between trust and safety.
14:32
Right?
14:32
And so that's how just kinda by acknowledging it, by saying like, oh, I made this promise.
14:38
It's not gonna work for me, but I want you to know that here's what it's here is the solution
14:43
I have.
14:43
Is this going to work for you?
14:45
That basically is communicating to the partner like, I'm aware of your needs.
14:49
I'm aware of your of the promises I made and you can count on me still.
14:53
Right?
14:54
We do have to negotiate this because something came up, but this is valuable to me.
14:59
Your requests are valuable to me.
15:01
You are valuable to me.
15:02
You can trust me.
15:04
Right?
15:04
So that's that side of things.
15:06
Now, if we take that to the emasculation, there are so many different ways that men get
15:12
emasculated.
15:13
And oftentimes, this happens when women are feeling frustrated, you know, or their partners
15:20
are feeling frustrated, and their partners say something to them that almost like diminishes
15:26
them a little bit and makes them feel like they are not doing their job of providing, of
15:34
showing up, of providing in many different ways, love, care, support, financial, whatever
15:38
it may be.
15:40
And so when men get emasculated, it actually really diminishes them.
15:45
It actually takes out their light, and it actually is one way that they begin to feel a
15:50
sense of that trust safety component, that side of the pendulum, really burst.
15:57
And I've seen this in relationships where all of a sudden it can trigger like men to be
16:03
avoidant or attachment with or avoidant or anxious in their attachment style.
16:08
Let's talk about attachment styles more sometime this year.
16:11
We should do a podcast on that because I think that would be really useful.
16:15
But it can really trigger this, like, withdrawing component, and I've seen situations
16:19
where men are able to, like, compartmentalize and still have sex during, you know, they're
16:25
feeling emasculated.
16:27
What tends to happen with that is there's this huge disconnect.
16:31
Right?
16:31
There's this huge level of not being able to show up, kind of emotionally and they're just
16:37
there for the physical, you know, getting off.
16:40
So that's something.
16:41
And another thing that can happen for men during this is almost like the opposite where
16:46
they're really shut down.
16:47
Like, I've seen situations where men after being emasculated, all of a sudden are
16:53
suffering from erectile dysfunction, or they're showing up to bed and they're just, like, not
16:58
engaged.
16:59
They're just kind of laying there listless, not looking in their partner's eyes, and it just
17:03
kinda continues that that disconnect.
17:05
And oftentimes this happens when there is like an expectation that is maybe not being met, and
17:13
then the way that the partner approaches this is very, very problematic, and it makes the
17:20
other person wrong.
17:22
So for example, like I had a opportunity yesterday where I could have totally
17:27
emasculated my partner.
17:29
I was doing a lot of extra jobs for my step son, and it was taking a lot of time, and it
17:39
was, really pulling me away from other things I needed to do, and I was happy to do it.
17:43
But I was in this project, for our step son.
17:47
I was doing more of the work.
17:49
Now I could've easily, like, lashed out and been like, what the heck is wrong with you?
17:55
Look at how much work I'm doing compared to you.
17:58
Like, you know, what is your problem?
17:59
And, you know, and and truthfully, there was, like, part of me that felt that way, that
18:03
wanted to do that.
18:04
But the other side of this is like, I actually never had asked for help before.
18:10
It's not his job to recognize every time I need help, so I chose a different path, which was
18:16
just saying like, hey, I'm feeling really overwhelmed by all of these tasks.
18:20
Would you be able to take this, you know, this one particular task off my plate?
18:24
It would really help me a lot.
18:26
And immediately he jumped to it and immediately he was like on it within seconds, super
18:31
helpful, like just like totally came to my rescue.
18:35
And, you know, and that's an example of how like, you know, a choice can be made where it's
18:39
like we can go one way or I could have, like, lashed out and made him feel really inferior
18:45
because he wasn't able to anticipate my needs and lashed out and it could have gone a very
18:50
different way.
18:51
And so there's you know, we're not perfect.
18:55
Right?
18:55
I mess up all the time, but it is this continued goal and this continued work to,
19:00
like, how can we communicate in ways that are productive?
19:04
Right?
19:04
How can we communicate in ways that are not emasculating?
19:07
How can we communicate in ways that are, inspiring trust and safety?
19:12
So, you know, oftentimes for women, a common thing that women need is, like, if those
19:18
promises are made and, you know, so like, yeah, hi, I'm gonna I'm gonna do this thing, that
19:23
there is that follow through and that communication.
19:26
And then for men, making sure that on the opposite side, like, that communication is done
19:30
in a way where there's not that emasculation because either one of these paths, and and
19:35
again, these, you know, these paths can exist in either one of us.
19:39
These are just like commonalities that we see between the masculine and feminine.
19:43
Either one of these paths really can break down that safety and trust bubble.
19:49
And that safety and trust bubble is one of the foundational things, like I'm saying, that
19:54
really is helping both parties libido.
19:58
And if he feels emasculated, he's gonna show up in the bedroom and not oftentimes be able to
20:04
fully give, to fully be present, to fully look in his partner's eyes.
20:10
And and and like I said, it can even lead into a, or an erectile dysfunction issue.
20:16
Oftentimes, these types of scenarios we're talking about are very stressful, so these
20:20
communication breakdowns, these breakdowns of safety and trust, the moment we are having a
20:27
breakdown in safety and trust, the moment we are having a breakdown of safety and trust,
20:34
what's happening to us is our neurological system is going into fight or flight.
20:41
Because in order for us to be relaxed, in order for us to experience trust and safety, that is
20:47
basically our rest and digest.
20:48
That is kind of the calming part of our nervous system.
20:52
If we are feeling unsafe in any way, if we're feeling emasculated, if we're feeling our trust
20:57
is violated in any of those things, it kicks on the survival mechanism of the body.
21:02
The survival mechanism we call in the nervous system is known as sympathetic in medicine but
21:07
is also known as fight or flight, and it's really where our body is kicking out a lot more
21:12
cortisol and adrenaline.
21:15
When we are doing this, we typically do not have a strong sex drive.
21:20
Now there are examples of some people that do have an acceleration in their libido from that
21:27
kind of like fight or flight stress reaction.
21:31
But if you notice that yourself that when you get highly stressed, that typically your libido
21:37
falls, right?
21:38
When you have a lot on your mind, typically your libido falls.
21:42
When you're worried about something, typically your libido is not as strong, you probably lean
21:47
towards stress being more of a break on your libido, which is a more common path.
21:54
And so when that's happening, when you're in this scenario where you're out of the trust and
21:59
safety bubble and you're then in this more stress type of thing because trust has been
22:06
violated or emasculation has happened, and then all of a sudden we have all of this chemical
22:12
change in our body that is leading you to be more in that survival stress mechanism from
22:17
your neurological system standpoint.
22:20
When that's happening, your body is getting the signal of I'm stressed, I'm stressed, I'm
22:25
stressed, I'm stressed, I'm stressed.
22:26
And when that is happening, what winds up happening is your libido will typically go down
22:33
most of the time.
22:34
You're not gonna get the same level of blood flow to the genitals, right?
22:39
These types of stress hormones can affect your hormonal system, they can affect your sleep,
22:43
your mood, and so much more.
22:45
So it's a very interwoven system, our neurological system, our libido, our hormones
22:53
all really interplay.
22:55
So one of the foundational things here is to begin to rework how we are approaching each
23:01
other, and some of this I think begins with understanding.
23:04
You know, I think sometimes it's some partners, it can be hard to understand that, hey, I
23:12
promised her, I promised him I'd change the light bulb and I didn't do it, how that could
23:17
affect the sex drive.
23:18
But hopefully with this, you're beginning to see that connection that those little things
23:22
violate trust.
23:24
And, you know, and same thing from the emasculation side.
23:27
Sometimes it's so easy to just be like, well, I deserve to say this.
23:30
Like I hear women say that like, I deserve to be pissed off.
23:33
I should be pissed off about this because, I expected this thing and it didn't happen and
23:39
yada yada.
23:40
And it's not to say that there's not some level of deserving to feel upset.
23:45
However, when we approach it that way, oftentimes, it leads to this emasculation.
23:51
And oftentimes, I find that people get upset when they just are feeling, and and there's
23:56
obviously way more reasons than this.
23:58
I'm oversimplifying this than I know just to make a point.
24:01
But oftentimes people can get upset when it's like, well, they didn't notice that I needed
24:06
help, or they didn't notice that I needed this, or they should have stepped in more, or I do
24:09
more work, or all these different things.
24:11
And that may very well be true and you can feel very upset about it.
24:15
However, if we're not asking for what we need, and it's very different if we're asking for
24:21
what we need and a partner's promising and they're breaking their promise and all those
24:24
things, right?
24:25
Both players, you know, both partners have to come to the table here.
24:29
But what I'm saying is, like, it's so easy I see in the emasculation world to kind of
24:34
validate, like, well, I'm upset about this and this pissed me off, so I need to be able to
24:38
express it.
24:39
Right?
24:39
That's what I hear people say.
24:41
But what's more important than expressing it, I think, is understanding it.
24:45
Like, if we are upset about something, we wanna understand like, okay, well, why was there no
24:52
follow through on the light bulb?
24:53
Or why was there no follow through on the project?
24:55
Or why did they not notice that you need help or whatever it is and have a conversation about
24:59
it?
25:00
And much of the time these things can be resolved just by communication and just by
25:05
asking for what we need.
25:07
So that's a huge part of reestablishing that.
25:10
So I hope this has been helpful.
25:12
Happy, happy New Year, everybody.
25:15
I hope everybody has the best New Year.
25:17
I want to invite everybody to my libido club.
25:21
You can find information about that in the show notes.
25:23
That's where you get exclusive content from guests, plus I think we're we have, at this
25:29
point, 70 or 80 videos, maybe even 90 at this point, tons of content on how to be a better
25:36
lover, how to balance your hormones, techniques on how to do a you know, give a great hand job,
25:41
for example, give great oral sex, that sort of thing.
25:44
So you'll find all of that and more at the club.
25:47
The information on how to join is in the show notes.
25:49
Thank you all for joining.
25:50
I'll see you all next time.
25:55
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
25:57
Please don't keep me a secret.
25:58
Please share this with your friends.
26:00
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.