Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 675: How A Secure Person Deals With An Avoidant Pulling Away

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Episode 675: How A Secure Person Deals With An Avoidant Pulling Away · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:01
  If you clicked on this, you most likely have an anxious
• 0:03
  attachment style. And if you know anything about
• 0:06
  attachment styles, you know that people who have an avoidant
• 0:09
  attachment style are turned off and want to get away from people
• 0:13
  who are anxious. So how would someone who has a
• 0:16
  secure attachment style deal with an avoidant pulling away?
• 0:20
  Well, stay tuned and you'll find out.
• 0:23
  Hi, this is Lucia. I'm a dating and relationship
• 0:25
  expert specializing in helping you get your X back or to get
• 0:29
  over your X. And welcome back my beautiful no
• 0:32
  contact army. If you have downloaded my app
• 0:34
  Silencio, I would really appreciate it if you would give
• 0:38
  it either a rating or a review in the App Store or on Google
• 0:42
  Play. And if you too would like to
• 0:45
  join our no contact Army, all you have to do is to the
• 0:48
  subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
• 0:53
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 0:59
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 1:02
  So you're dating an avoidant and you're sensing that they're
• 1:07
  pulling away. And your first instinct is to do
• 1:10
  what? To chase.
• 1:13
  But as you've probably found out on your own, that's not going to
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  work. So what do you do instead?
• 1:18
  What would someone who has a secure attachment style do?
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  Well first ask yourself, are they really pulling away?
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  Or are you so hyper vigilant that any minor change sends you
• 1:31
  off the deep end and you see it as pulling away?
• 1:35
  So once you determine that they are actually pulling away,
• 1:40
  anxious or secure, you're going to feel anxiety.
• 1:43
  Yes, even secure people feel anxiety, but they deal with it
• 1:47
  differently than someone who's anxious.
• 1:50
  They see it as a sign that something's not right, and they
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  do something about it which does not involve begging or chasing
• 1:56
  the other person. That's because they've learned
• 1:59
  to sit with their negative emotions rather than running
• 2:02
  away from them, and they realize they're not going to die from
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  their anxiety. I know it feels like it, but
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  you're not. And people often see anxiety as
• 2:11
  a big monster that chasing them and they have to run away and
• 2:15
  they don't realize it's just a cute little messenger that's
• 2:19
  trying to get your attention and give you a message.
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  And once they stop running and turn around and face the
• 2:25
  anxiety, they realize it's actually not as bad as they
• 2:28
  thought it was. That way you can act instead of
• 2:31
  react. And fun fact, did you know that
• 2:35
  gratitude and anxiety cannot live in the brain at the same
• 2:39
  time? So when you start to become
• 2:41
  anxious and want to go back to your evil ways of chasing your
• 2:45
  avoiding down, instead start becoming grateful.
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  Think of everything that you can be grateful for and say it out
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  loud. Even simple things like I'm so
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  grateful the sun came out today, I'm grateful I had something to
• 3:00
  eat for breakfast, I'm grateful I'm healthy, I'm grateful to
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  have a roof over my head, etcetera, etcetera.
• 3:08
  This brings you into the present moment because when you have
• 3:11
  anxiety, you're projecting your fears into the future, and when
• 3:15
  you get rid of it, you come back to the present.
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  Now, I watched several other videos on this topic that I'm
• 3:22
  speaking on today, and everyone was saying that when the
• 3:30
  avoidance starts to pull away, a secure person would speak with
• 3:32
  them, speak with them, and I just laughed.
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  That's the avoidant in me laughing because they forget who
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  they're dealing with. They're dealing with an
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  avoidant. And what does an avoidant like
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  to do? That's right, avoid.
• 3:51
  So you can certainly try to speak to them, but what if they
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  won't speak with you? And in fact, I pulled a couple
• 3:58
  of comments from one of those videos from people who were in
• 4:01
  that exact situation. And the first guy said I did
• 4:05
  this with my ex-girlfriend last month and as mature and loving
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  of a manner as possible. She accused me of being angry,
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  complaining and controlling and then she pulled away more so I
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  ended up with her and told her that I wanted a relationship
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  that reciprocates love. Yeah because if they don't want
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  to talk, if they don't want to talk, it doesn't matter how
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  loving you are, they're going to see it differently.
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  And then the other person said. Bold to assume this conversation
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  even gets had in the 1st place. I'm about as non threatening as
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  they come and I've been waiting a month for this conversation to
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  be had with absolutely no communication.
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  For the sake of clarity, I already let her know I've
• 4:46
  noticed something is off and I'd like to discuss it.
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  The secure response is to leave, and that's exactly what I've
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  done. I'm not doing this to myself
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  exactly. And by the way, if you're
• 4:57
  finding this helpful I would appreciate if you would give it
• 4:59
  a like. That way we can help the YouTube
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  algorithm to suggest it to other people and we can help other
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  people figure out how to deal with their avoidant pulling
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  away. OK, So what would a secure
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  person do when dealing with an avoiding who is pulling away?
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  Well, you cannot say anything for a period of time and in the
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  meantime, work on your anxiety because they may be going
• 5:24
  through something or maybe they just need some space.
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  However, if it gets to a point where it's been going on for too
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  long or you're too anxious, then obviously you're going to need
• 5:35
  to speak with them. So a secure person would think,
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  well I have no factual information because feelings
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  aren't facts. So we have to have a
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  conversation and if we can fix it, great, otherwise I'll move
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  on. I'm not looking for someone else
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  to choose me, I choose myself. I'm good alone.
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  I don't want someone who doesn't want me.
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  And if I do want someone who doesn't want me, does this
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  remind me of someone in my childhood?
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  And I'm hoping that this time it'll turn out differently and I
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  won't be abandoned and I will be chosen.
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  You didn't know this was going to get deep now, did you?
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  So a secure person would say something like, I want to share
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  something with you. I feel like there's a shift in
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  our dynamic, am I right? Hopefully, they'll be honest if
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  something is going on, and they'll tell you.
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  And then you can have a conversation about it.
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  And if they're willing to talk, then you can ask for what you
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  want. Don't say it's what you need
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  because that comes across as needy, especially to an
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  avoidant. Oh, I need this.
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  We're like, oh great, you don't need it.
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  You think you need it, you want it, but you don't need it.
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  And ask if they're willing to make that change.
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  And if they're not, then you need to decide if you can live
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  with them doing or not doing whatever it is you want.
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  So if they say yes, they'll make the change.
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  Then you wait and see if they follow through and if they
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  don't, and if in fact they pull away even further, what are you
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  going to do? Well, a secure person would walk
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  away because they're not getting what they want in a relationship
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  and they're not going to stay hoping that the person will
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  change or that the person will choose them and act right.
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  Instead, they choose themselves and they choose to walk away and
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  find someone who will communicate and who will give
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  them what they want. So if you have an anxious
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  attachment style and you're listening to this and you're
• 7:34
  afraid of losing the relationship, then you have to
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  ask yourself, what exactly are you losing?
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  Someone who doesn't care enough about you to give you what you
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  want. Someone who doesn't care enough
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  about you to communicate. You're too focused on how you
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  feel about them instead of what you should actually be focused
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  on, which is how you feel in the relationship.
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  How does the relationship make you feel?
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  And if you don't feel good because they're constantly
• 8:00
  pulling away, then you need to love yourself enough to move on.
• 8:04
  Don't invest in someone who's not investing in you.
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  OK now I want to hear from you. How long have you been in no
• 8:12
  contact and how is it going? And if you would like my help to
• 8:16
  get your ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net
• 8:20
  and we will send you the rates. They are not on the website and
• 8:22
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• 8:26
  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe, and
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• 8:30
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• 8:34
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