Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 87. Why Does Being Left Out Hurt This Much?

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87. Why Does Being Left Out Hurt This Much? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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  Speaker 1: Appogie production. I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened?
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  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
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  Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you. Hello, everybody,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to our Bestie Segment. I freaking love this
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  Speaker 1: time of the week.
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  Speaker 2: It's the best time of the week.
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  Speaker 1: It really is just like listening to your submissions unpacking
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  Speaker 1: them because we're best friends and we love doing this
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: for each other day to day, week to week. All
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  Speaker 1: the challenges go through times in the day and a
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  Speaker 1: lot of these that come through most of us can
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  Speaker 1: relate to on some level, or maybe we'll go through
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  Speaker 1: it in the future and you'll remember back to an
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  Speaker 1: episode and be like, oh my gosh, I remember them
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  Speaker 1: when the girls said to do this. I'm gonna get
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  Speaker 1: that to go. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: It's so real, it's so raw, it's so relatable, and
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  Speaker 2: have just real life stories of real women who are
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  Speaker 2: gone through shit day to day and need some bestie advice.
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  Speaker 1: It is all right, let's get into today's what have
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  Speaker 1: you got for us? Alright? You ready?
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  Speaker 2: Hi, ladies, Thank you for giving us the opportunity to
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  Speaker 2: fold what we have gone through. This question extends on
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  Speaker 2: your episode about friendships. It is a story of feeling
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  Speaker 2: left out by two girls who I thought were close
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  Speaker 2: friends of mine. One of them is my husband's lifelong
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  Speaker 2: best friend's wife, and the other was someone I really
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  Speaker 2: liked and asked her to be my child's godmother. I
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  Speaker 2: had a close friendship with my husband's wife, but I
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  Speaker 2: was hoping in time I could become even closer to
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  Speaker 2: my daughter's godmother. Unfortunately, as soon as the girls met,
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  Speaker 2: they did become really good friends, and I felt excluded
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  Speaker 2: by them. Unfortunately, I didn't handle things really well. When
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  Speaker 2: I spoke to one of them, I didn't like her
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  Speaker 2: response during our friend call. She said they didn't mean
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  Speaker 2: to exclude me, but she has a lot in common
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  Speaker 2: with my other friend, and that it didn't mean that
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  Speaker 2: she was less friends than with me. That's nice, because
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  Speaker 2: I couldn't tell her what I felt. As my husband
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  Speaker 2: also got along with hers, I ended up restricting her
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  Speaker 2: on Facebook instead. Everything went downhill from there as both
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  Speaker 2: girls saw I put a restriction on their social media.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, I could see it. I don't know.
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  Speaker 2: I didn't know who could do that.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, you could see that.
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  Speaker 2: We went overseas and saw my husband's lifelong friend and wife.
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  Speaker 2: Because of how hurt I was about the girls becoming
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  Speaker 2: close friends, I didn't talk to her much and ignored her.
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  Speaker 2: My husband's friends took this really hard, and when presented
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  Speaker 2: with the opportunity to talk bad about me to my
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  Speaker 2: husband's family, they did. So Oh this all happened last year,
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  Speaker 2: and I can't heal from how up set it made me.
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  Speaker 2: I'm open to your girl's interpretation of this scenario, how
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  Speaker 2: I could have reacted instead, and where the girls might
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  Speaker 2: have gone wrong. I hope you can help me work
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  Speaker 2: through this more and find a way to let go.
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  Speaker 1: Love you lots of girls, Oh so beautiful. I can
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  Speaker 1: hear lots in this. There's a few layers to it.
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  Speaker 1: One thank you for being so honest. We appreciate it. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it's not easy to bring that in and own it,
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  Speaker 1: but with love. I definitely think you could have handled
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  Speaker 1: this a bit better, and let's talk about it because
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  Speaker 1: we understand that wound of being left out and feeling
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  Speaker 1: left behind. But I really felt like your friends saying,
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  Speaker 1: just because we're close, it doesn't take away from our friendship.
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  Speaker 1: That there that reassurance in that moment. I think would
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  Speaker 1: have been a beautiful opportunity for you to say thank
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  Speaker 1: you for their reassurance. I just think I'd love to
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  Speaker 1: be included more. Yeah, could I come along more? Could
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  Speaker 1: I be invited more? Or can all three of us
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  Speaker 1: hang out? But then you went into avoidant and almost
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  Speaker 1: a bit of punishment, restricting them, ignoring them, And then
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  Speaker 1: of course you're going to create more of a distance
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  Speaker 1: and be more left out, and you're going to create
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  Speaker 1: the reality that you do not want, which has happened now.
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  Speaker 1: I think there's definitely an opportunity to repair here, though,
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  Speaker 1: but it's going to take you owning your part and
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  Speaker 1: apologizing and then also expressing how you feel, you know,
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  Speaker 1: and your wounds and really owning that.
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  Speaker 2: Because it sounds like that's what's come up for you.
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  Speaker 2: So what it sounds like is that something came up
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  Speaker 2: for you in the moment. You may be shamed and
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  Speaker 2: judge yourself for experiencing that discomfort, and then you suppressed it.
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  Speaker 2: But because you suppressed it, what we don't bring up
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  Speaker 2: and voice in relationships comes out in uncontrollable ways. So
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  Speaker 2: what happened was, like what she was saying, like you
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  Speaker 2: went into that almost like punishment and those girls would
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  Speaker 2: have really felt that energy for me. And so that's
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  Speaker 2: also something that creates a lack of safety in a
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  Speaker 2: friendship for females, especially females, we're already so guarded and
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  Speaker 2: safety is a huge thing for us. So the moment
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  Speaker 2: we feel that, we're like, ooh, that's one thing that
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  Speaker 2: I need to kind of like, yeah, I need to
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  Speaker 2: protect myself here. So what I think would be really
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  Speaker 2: good forear moving forward, if you do want to repair
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  Speaker 2: these friendships is to come to them with complete vulnerability, like, hey,
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  Speaker 2: do you guys have the capacity for a conversation. I
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  Speaker 2: would love to talk to you about something and something
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  Speaker 2: about my behavior if you'd be open to it, and
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  Speaker 2: then lead with vulnerability and go, hey, like, this is
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  Speaker 2: what came up for me. It was my own stuff,
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  Speaker 2: was feeling super triggered or feeling left out. You guys
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  Speaker 2: didn't actually do anything necessarily wrong, if that is true,
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  Speaker 2: and then go here's where I went wrong. Here's what
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  Speaker 2: I did. I ended up pushing you guys away because
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  Speaker 2: I was scared, and I'm willing to own that and
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  Speaker 2: work through that so that we can actually build a
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  Speaker 2: friendship here.
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  Speaker 1: And what I'm really desiring out of this is more connection.
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  Speaker 2: Is more connection.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's where all this came from.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so that's on the front facing and then on
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  Speaker 2: the back end of your own work of this is
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  Speaker 2: really being willing to look at the triggers that come
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  Speaker 2: up when you felt left out, Like what did it
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  Speaker 2: trigger in you? Because it's clear that like insecurity came up,
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  Speaker 2: fear came up, maybe a fear of abandonment, fear of rejection.
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  Speaker 2: Like whatever it created in you was enough and strong
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  Speaker 2: enough for you to push those girls away. And this
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  Speaker 2: is okay, Well you know I've absolutely done it too.
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  Speaker 2: We have both been here in this position. Can we
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  Speaker 2: know exactly how you feel? Yeah, you don't need to
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  Speaker 2: judge yourself, wishing yourself make it wrong. But what you
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  Speaker 2: do need to do is learn how to love that
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  Speaker 2: part of you who does feel that sense of abandonment,
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  Speaker 2: because that's going to be the biggest thing here is.
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  Speaker 1: And even if you can't love it, accept it. I
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  Speaker 1: feel like acceptance is the first step to learning to
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  Speaker 1: love it. If you can just accept it without shame
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  Speaker 1: and just let it be there. The more you can
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  Speaker 1: just let it be there, it kind of dissolves a
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  Speaker 1: shame little bit, then you can learn to love it.
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  Speaker 1: What we've done too now is we're bringing in with playfulness.
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  Speaker 1: It is really hard to own your stuff. But if
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  Speaker 1: you can be brave enough, which it sounds like, you know,
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  Speaker 1: even writing this in is really brave. You've got that in,
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  Speaker 1: you go and have that conversation with them, and like
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  Speaker 1: you said, lead with curiosity, taking responsibility and with love,
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  Speaker 1: and yeah, explore with them what came up for you
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  Speaker 1: and how you guys can repair. I think it would
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  Speaker 1: be really nice to repair, especially because the husbands are
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  Speaker 1: all really close and or hanging out. That's really cool.
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  Speaker 2: But yeah, yeah, The biggest thing in relationships, especially if
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  Speaker 2: you're wanting to create closeness, is especially with the abandonment
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  Speaker 2: wound that you're kind of experiencing, is letting it be seen, right,
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  Speaker 2: Because what it sounds like is that when the abandonment
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  Speaker 2: comes up, it's so uncomfortable for you to bear that
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  Speaker 2: you might lead to running, which is running away from connection,
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  Speaker 2: keeping people at arm's length, always putting walls up to
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  Speaker 2: people when it comes to vulnerability. So the way that
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  Speaker 2: you overcome that pattern is by bringing people in instead
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  Speaker 2: letting people in letting people see you, letting people see
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  Speaker 2: your heart, and letting people.
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  Speaker 1: See your mess.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, it's that true vulnerability of like, I'm a human,
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  Speaker 2: I'm messy, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, I fuck up.
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  Speaker 2: Like that actually creates that Oh my god, this person
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  Speaker 2: is safe and I can open up to them. So true,
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  Speaker 2: that's something that I think will be beneficial for you
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  Speaker 2: moving forward, like.
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  Speaker 1: Giving you lots of love. We definitely know those feelings
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  Speaker 1: and emotions that come up. And I think this is
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  Speaker 1: so repaarable and and just a beautiful opportunity for you
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  Speaker 1: to go through this and to accept it more. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: we'd love an update. Are you gonna go catch up
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  Speaker 1: with them and let us know how the conversation goes.
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  Speaker 1: Is it well received? They a bit react? And also too,
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  Speaker 1: if they are a bit reactive and they aren't quite
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  Speaker 1: ready to repair, like, that's also okay too. They're gonna
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  Speaker 1: obviously have a lot of their things coming up in this.
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  Speaker 1: But all you can do is try. All you can
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  Speaker 1: do is clean up your own lane. Yeah, that's all
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  Speaker 1: you can do. We talk about this often.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, a person just needs to be willing, yes, And
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  Speaker 2: if you are willing and they see that they'll be
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  Speaker 2: open to it too.
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  Speaker 1: I think so the most part, for the most part,
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  Speaker 1: and I always might need to be time to process
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  Speaker 1: and that's okay to be okay to Yeah, thank you
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  Speaker 1: for bringing in and we'd love an upcate it.
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  Speaker 2: And we want you to know that doesn't make you
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  Speaker 2: any less of a person.
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  Speaker 1: That this came up here, so definitely not. You're a human.
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  Speaker 1: We love you in it all, we do. Thanks for
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  Speaker 1: joining us. See you in the next episode. Bye bye,