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Shades Of Truth · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: You for returning to this, the fifth episode in the series, which is concerned with emotional and psychological understanding and growth.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: In this episode, I want to talk about deception and self-deception.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes these things are understood as a moral failure, a conscious act of distortion, but psychologically it's more complex.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Deception frequently begins as self-deception.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: The individual first distorts their own internal reality before distorting external reality.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Wilfred Beyond described how unprocessed emotional experience may be evacuated rather than thought about.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: So when emotional truth feels intolerable, the distortion becomes protective.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: To deceive is often to avoid facing internal conflict.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: It is an attempt to maintain coherence without trying to integrate the contradiction.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: But deception has consequences.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: When a person repeatedly distorts reality, they fragment internally, and the self becomes organized around a defensive narrative rather than the truth.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Over time, this pattern may become stable, but it may be integrated into a relational style which is characterized by avoidance, rationalization of projection.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Now, avoidance in this context has to do with not being able to tolerate facing something which is painful.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: It could be the criticism of someone else, or even if not the criticism, the reality confrontation, which could be something like you did the following, and this was the this was the outcome.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: And the avoidance is an unpreparedness to engage in that reality.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Now, avoidance is experienced as a defensive position by the person who is avoiding, but it's actually experienced as invalidation by the other person because their voice can't be heard.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: When I talk about rationalization, that's a bit like the kind of yes but, because it is a way of saying, yes, that did happen, but it was because of, which is reframing the other person's experience and instead offering them a different version of what has happened.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: That could be something like, yes, but you did this, or it could be, but you always react in that way, or you never understand.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: And it it can often be accusatory, and sometimes these things aren't actually said, but it is what the person who is enacting the deceptive cycle does internally.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes there are some clues about this kind of pattern of defensive narratives, and one of them is when you hear a person talk about others as being either good or bad, rewarding or disappointing, it's telling you something.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because those are polarized black and white stances.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: My question is always where are the shades of grey?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Where's the understanding?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: Where is the being able to activate emotional intelligence?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: And this is really important because people use words like emotional intelligence, but don't necessarily demonstrate that through their actions.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: What you might see instead, therefore, is somebody who it almost invites you in to agree with their view of situations, others.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: And there's a kind of hedge you win tales I lose quality about that, because you can't get it right unless you adapt to that person's narrative, no matter how unhealthy it might be.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: The most unsettling realization is not that someone has deceived once, it's the recognition of a pattern.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And the deceiver's behavior is not without consequence for themselves or for others.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: And psychological and personal integrity depends on the capacity to face internal contradiction without distortion.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Self-deception is the beginning of fragmentation, and confronting internal truth is the beginning of integration.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Facing that which is difficult, frightening, disempowering, and learning to tolerate it is the way forward.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: However, don't expect that others will do that because you want them to.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: In episode six, we're going to talk about emotional harm without bruises because not all harm leaves visible marks.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.