Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When You Obsess About An Ex

Transcript

When You Obsess About An Ex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody. And welcome to the doctors.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today we're going to be talking
• 0:10
  about why not to idealize your exes.
• 0:12
  And before we get to that awesome topic.
• 0:15
  I must tell you. Of course, to subscribe.
• 0:17
  The most recent one, is why your wife doesn't like you're
• 0:19
  drinking. There should be another one next
• 0:22
  I try to do every four or five episodes.
• 0:24
  I try to make one of them paid. So anyway, why should you not
• 0:29
  idealize? Your ex, let's Jump Right In
• 0:31
  because this is something many people do and you won't be
• 0:34
  surprised to figure out that I've been idealized their prior
• 0:36
  sexual partners that were fun and more open and more
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  adventurous and exploratory than their current spouse, right?
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  And women idealized the more romantic partner frequently.
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  But you got to think about why you didn't end up with that
• 0:52
  person and you got to think about what that person's like.
• 0:55
  Now now I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass that the woman
• 0:58
  who was, you know, having threesomes and hanging from the
• 1:00
  chandelier with, you is now just as sexually repressed as your
• 1:04
  current wife. She's not, you know, she
• 1:06
  probably does some more shit. However, she has, if she's in
• 1:14
  monogamy, she has profoundly slowed her role.
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  And honestly, it's possible that she completely.
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  She's not as repressed as your wife, if your wife's repressed,
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  but because, you know, that's an open, mindedness variable, but
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  she may have gone through early menopause, she may have health
• 1:30
  concerns, she may hate her husband, you know, she may hate
• 1:33
  you, if she was married to you, And so she actually maybe having
• 1:36
  less sex in your current wife is assuming that you're having
• 1:39
  less, you know, greater than 0. So we have no idea what the hell
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  that person's doing. Also we have no idea what your
• 1:47
  relationship would have looked like, with that person long-term
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  because there's a reason that they are Annex.
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  Same thing with the romantic guy.
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  Yes. Would he be as like no feelings
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  as the engineer or it guy that you married?
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  If he's you know, a poet being the Wood and residents add at
• 2:08
  Reed College or something. No, like he's not gonna have a
• 2:11
  personality transplant, but you think that his wife loves him
• 2:15
  being so romantic when she says, go to the store and buy apples
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  and he comes home with a sonnet about apples, but he forgot to
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  get the apples know, you know. So you gotta get your head out
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  of your ass and like really stop idealizing an ex.
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  It's no different than watching porn.
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  It's no different than a romance novel.
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  It has nothing to To do with reality what most people are
• 2:37
  idealizing. When they idealize an X is their
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  own lost youth and their own lost sense of Limitless
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  possibilities. You know, you wake up in the
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  morning when you're young and you're like what's gonna happen
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  today? What transformative thing may
• 2:54
  happen, What person may I meet in what wonderful delightful
• 2:59
  ways will the world surprised me today, right?
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  And like what's that like by the time?
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  You hit like you are 30s 40s 50s.
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  You're like oh fuck another day. What shit is gonna fall on my
• 3:13
  plate. It's like exactly the opposite.
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  If you if you look at your phone and there's an email, what's the
• 3:21
  chances in some shit that you want to deal with?
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  Like, like, why like 1% 1%? Most most people when they see
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  like, 20 emails or 200 emails, if you're me in their inbox,
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  Bach. I actually have like thousands
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  of emails like this drives, my husband crazy but I cannot
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  possibly click on all those emails.
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  I don't even have the time to do that.
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  But anyway, but if you see, let's say you wake up, you went
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  to sleep, God was good. You slept the whole night
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  through you didn't wake up with any anxiety or any you know,
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  have to pee or anything. So it's love for like seven,
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  eight hours. You wake up.
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  You see like 50 emails. What is the feeling in your
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  stomach? Is a joy?
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  No it's anxiety and irritation. So this is the reality of life.
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  Like I'm not saying it's all shit but there's a fair amount
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  of irritation that goes into being an actual adult that has
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  lots and lots of responsibilities you met your ex
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  when you are at a different phase, if there's somebody that
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  you idealized you didn't meet them when you were at this
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  stage. Probably you probably met them
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  when you're 20. It's even earlier possibly and
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  so you may miss that too. Time of life a thousand times
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  more than you miss your ex, you know.
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  But you don't like know that you're using your ex as a proxy
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  variable subconsciously for an entire phase of life where you
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  felt unfettered. Where if you got an email from
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  on AOL, it was a good thing, you know, like, oh, wow, maybe
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  somebody's reaching out to say something.
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  Nice to me. So it was a whole different vibe
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  as my kid says. And so you may be Conflating the
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  feeling of in love and and idealization and everything with
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  just missing being young and missing being free and flexible.
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  So there is no person short. People could be better fits for
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  one another but you broke up with this person for a reason
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  either they broke up with you. So then they're like a the one
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  who got away type of situation which I've written about and
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  talked about. And And sometimes, listen
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  sometimes would that have been a better marriage for you.
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  Yeah. Would it have been
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  transformative and like so much better.
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  Probably not. Otherwise y'all wouldn't have
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  broken up most likely. Most likely there was a reason
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  that you broke up. If they broke up with you they
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  were you know, in some way disappointed upset frustrated
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  board by you and so that probably would have been the
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  same now and if you broke up with them then they were
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  something about them. That you didn't like that,
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  probably, you still wouldn't like a lot.
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  When you go back and you're like, oh my God, I never should
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  have got rid of that. Girl, she's to go down on me all
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  the time. My current wife acts like, my
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  penis is a cockroach. Yeah, okay, you might have a
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  better sex life with that X, but why did it end?
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  Did it end? Because she was a responsible
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  because you didn't think she was that smart because she didn't
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  really get your jokes because she cheated on you.
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  Like, I mean, there's like loads of reasons, you know, the worst
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  situation comes when people just broke up because of Um, Stan.
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  So it's like I went to college in California, she went to
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  college in Vermont and we just couldn't make it work.
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  But you know, I wish that we had and blah blah blah, but I'll
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  tell you like, why? Then didn't you get back
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  together? You know, why did neither of you
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  make it happen? There's usually a reason and it
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  would behoove you. If you want to stay happily
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  married instead of fantasizing about the Lost Love.
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  Think a what am I idealizing? My idealizing a time in my life.
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  Probably I You know, probably that was the most freewheeling
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  and carefree that I had ever felt.
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  And for a man usually goes along with feeling like strong and
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  virile and like finally, like women are into you, especially
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  this one and with women, you know, it can really feel like
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  you, you know, you were also the most beautiful and sought-after
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  that you ever were when you were young and that was like a nice
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  time of life. So you got to think about a my
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  conflating I'm this person with a time of life, then you got to
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  think, why did this end? And then you got to think, what
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  would it be like with that person?
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  Now, if the things that I remember to be annoying about
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  them were to grow and grow as things do in later life.
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  So the person who's so romantic. If that's really all they have
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  to offer that is not who you would have wanted to have
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  children with, you know, somebody who's like, so like has
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  their head in the sky, like their head Clouds that is not
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  what you would want to necessarily have settled down
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  with or probably you would have. And the girl who was like the
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  party girl and always like down for anything, would you really
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  have wanted to marry that person?
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  Would you not have found that person to be somewhat of a
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  flibbertigibbet? You know, you could look that
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  up. Let me just a flaky person.
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  Probably most of you, some of, you know, it, I don't know.
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  I never know what anybody know. Was it terms of vocabulary?
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  But I was an only child. I would like you to read all the
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  time so that should explain a lot about my personality.
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  But anyway, um the getting back to what were actually talking
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  about your ex is the representative of an entire era
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  in your existence and really should not be thought of as more
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  than that except. And there's always got to be an
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  except right there. Are some people I meet at this
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  is the truth, the reconnect with an X and they marry them and
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  they leave their partner for them and they fall in love in
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  our happily ever after. Could you be that person?
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  I don't fucking know. I don't know, your individual
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  situation. You want to come in for a
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  session? I'll tell you what I think.
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  But the odds are low and if you really, really, really deeply
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  have you are holding a candle for somebody.
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  I entreat you to do the following You really should
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  research the fuck out of this person.
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  You should see what their life is really like honestly,
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  sometimes when you just Google this person and you see what
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  they look like, assuming that you're not on social media
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  friends with them already. Sometimes that's enough to
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  really break the spell. You're like, oh I guess there
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  are 40 now. I was thinking about them as
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  though they were still 25. I guess that's just a
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  forty-year-old, you know, whatever manager in a company.
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  And it like kind of breaks the spell, but if you saw it.
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  But but what if you Google them, you see that you're like, oh my
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  God, she's more beautiful than she was when she was 20 and on
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  top of it, she's the one who got away this, that and the other
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  next thing that you should do is you should legitimately work on
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  the marriage because it maybe you've been saying oh this
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  marriage, it's fine. But if it was with Tracy from
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  the past Tiffany, whatever, then I I would you see what era I was
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  raised. I had was going between Stacey
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  Tracey and Tiffany then it would be so much better.
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  Yeah but you know what, maybe your marriage actually isn't
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  that good? Maybe it's not.
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  There's so many people who are like know.
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  My marriage is fine. I just like fantasize constantly
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  about my expose nothing to do with my marriage.
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  My marriage is great. What are you talking about?
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  Listen, maybe it's time to say, oh hey, I'm not going to be an
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  ostrich. I'm going to admit that I have
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  actually Real-world frustrations with my marriage and I'm finally
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  going to go to couples counseling to address them
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  directly because if you do that, then your fantasies of Tri-C may
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  go away. If your actual wife is you know
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  maybe more invested in the relationship.
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  Maybe she's telling you more about why she's been cold to you
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  over the years, maybe you start resolving some empathic
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  ruptures, maybe you start being closer.
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  Having sex going on dates talking anything, right?
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  So looking at your marriage, the next thing that you should do is
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  Is looking at yourself. Are you an idea?
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  Lizer? Are you a dangerous romantic
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  meaning that you tend to romanticize too much to the
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  point that it fucks you, you know?
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  Do you put things? People ideas places careers, on
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  pedestals and then nothing is ever good enough for you.
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  Because if so, then guess what, Tracy's a figment of your
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  imagination, she's not a real person.
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  You've put her on a pedestal and if you were to leave your wife
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  for her, She will fall off the pedestal within six months.
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  So are you that kind of person that like is always chasing the
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  next best thing? The next thing that's going to
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  transform my life. A lot of people do this when
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  they struggle with depression because instead of admitting
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  that they're depressed, they say no.
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  No, my life just isn't perfect. My life isn't perfect.
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  But if I have this next thing, the next vacation, the next what
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  was that? The next job the next partner
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  then it would be better. It's not going to be better
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  wherever You go, there you are, you know, and it's the same with
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  partners with jobs with where you live with anything.
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  I talked about this yesterday in the podcast that I recorded
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  about how you will be the same person, no matter who you are
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  married to. You may like the relationship
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  better, but it's not going to trance.
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  It's not going to cure your depression for your husband, to
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  be nicer to you. It'll make your marriage better,
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  but not your depression, but if you are somebody who's like, oh
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  my God, if I was with Tracy, my life would be so Different.
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  We would be living on the beach. We would be parenting
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  differently. We would be getting away on date
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  nights and we would be this and that, by the way, she seems like
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  a pretty good earner from that Google.
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  So we will have like, double the money and we would be, you know,
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  fucking hang gliding because she was always an adventurous.
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  Sort know like marrying, Tracy will not transform your entire
• 13:26
  existence. Yeah.
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  Maybe you would be a little more happily married but you would
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  still be the same dude, you know, and of course I'm just
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  using this as an example women. I Idealized men a lot to, you
• 13:37
  know, their exes. So you know, just switch the
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  gender there and it would not transform your entire existence
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  Plus on top of it. You would have the divorce
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  issues, the blended family issues etc, etc.
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  That's the next thing to think about is what would it really
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  look like to be with this person in reality because in reality
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  there's no time machine that I know about and so you can't go
• 14:00
  back and make the decision to marry Tracy when you were 25.
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  All what you're talking about is just you have to find Tracy.
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  You would have to convince Tracy that she was always meant to be
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  with you. You would have to deal with her
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  messy divorce. You are messy divorce, you will
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  have to deal with your kids saying you left Mom for Tracy,
• 14:19
  fuck that. Bitch, I never want to talk to
• 14:21
  her then you would have to deal with the fact that probably in
• 14:23
  10 years Tracy going to go through menopause.
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  And if you listen to my podcast that you know, like you only got
• 14:30
  ten years of potential, good sex to have with Tracy but you know,
• 14:34
  Like seriously, like you would have to look at it real
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  pragmatically. And there are some people who
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  would be like, you know what, my life is still going to be devoid
• 14:42
  of meaning. If I had, if I do not contact
• 14:45
  Tracy. Well shit, I mean they're not
• 14:48
  that I could tell you to stop you from contacting Tracy I'm
• 14:50
  probably you already did it. If you you know we're going to
• 14:53
  do it but it isn't probably as wonderful as you think and would
• 14:59
  not be transformative of your entire existence.
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  You would still be the same person and if you actually Reach
• 15:05
  out to Tracy. That's infidelity by the way.
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  So you really shouldn't do that a Google Google.
• 15:11
  Google are fine, you Google there but if you're actually
• 15:14
  going to reach out and know that that's actually infidelity.
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  So at that point you're putting everything on the line to reach
• 15:22
  out to Tracy. And really, most people do not
• 15:25
  want to blow up their whole life.
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  So in that point, when if you're thinking of really emailing
• 15:30
  Tracy, then that's when you got to get your ass into couples
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  counseling. Because for the most, for the
• 15:35
  large majority of people, if their marriage was better and
• 15:38
  stronger, they would no longer have the fantasies about the X,
• 15:41
  but if you really think that your time on this planet is
• 15:45
  going to be like less than it could be because that was your
• 15:49
  one true love. Let me tell you another thing.
• 15:52
  You should not be married to the person that you're with because
• 15:55
  they don't deserve to be with somebody who's not fully their
• 15:58
  present in mind and body really you know?
• 16:01
  And so you should go to couples counseling and if This is very
• 16:05
  end the marriage because there is some reason that you are like
• 16:10
  not fully in it with your spouse and it could be because you tend
• 16:13
  to be it idealize. ER and you tend to kind of, you
• 16:17
  know, be dramatic and fantasize, or it could be because you're
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  really always, should have been with Tracy and 41 percent of
• 16:24
  listeners. You always should have been with
• 16:26
  Tracy and, you know it and it's really just a matter of time
• 16:30
  before you try it and leave your partner and try to see if Tracy.
• 16:34
  Around but do it in that order and that order is at least
• 16:39
  honest and courageous and reflective of what you really
• 16:44
  who you want to be. You don't want to be the guy
• 16:46
  who's married to Jane but texting with Tracy.
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  No then you kids are going to hate Tracy by the way, one day
• 16:53
  if you actually leave for her. So yes I have seen it work out.
• 16:56
  I have I've had thousands of clients in my life and some of
• 17:01
  them do say yes either I or a parent did leave.
• 17:04
  Partner their partner, whatever. For this person, they were
• 17:08
  always in love with and it worked out, sometimes it
• 17:11
  happens. But the odds are very low
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  because remember, you're also betting that race is not happily
• 17:16
  married and that's a big fucking bet.
• 17:18
  Because remember how great you think Tracy is?
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  Well, you know, somebody else may think she's that great too.
• 17:23
  So you know, the whole thing may be predicated on some bullshit
• 17:27
  where you're picturing, that race is still yearning for you
• 17:31
  and traces, not Yearning For You, Tracy's happy as happy as
• 17:34
  As one can be with all the, you know, things of life.
• 17:38
  You know, it's not like everyday, she jumping up and
• 17:40
  down but generally she loves her husband, she's happy, she would
• 17:43
  never destroy her life for anything and she doesn't really
• 17:46
  think about you that much if at all.
• 17:48
  So there's also that which can be sobering to think my God,
• 17:51
  what if Tracy doesn't even remember me?
• 17:52
  But if she passed me on the street and she was like, oh
• 17:54
  there's that dude? Yeah, we used to have sex like,
• 17:58
  that's possible too. Alright.
• 18:00
  Well, hopefully, this gave you something to think about and it
• 18:03
  isn't whenever you have fantasies About other people in
• 18:05
  marriage is normal to fantasize about other people.
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  But if it becomes something like an obsession, then you probably
• 18:11
  want to go to therapy to talk about it because the other
• 18:15
  possibility, again, as I said, is that, you're so depressed
• 18:19
  that you're holding on to this person.
• 18:20
  And basically, you're taking a drug, it's like taking a hit of
• 18:24
  a drug. Every time you think about
• 18:26
  Tracy, it's like, you know, you feel better because you, it's
• 18:31
  like, it's like looking at porn or a romance novel, as I said,
• 18:34
  it gives you a hit. Of dopamine, but it doesn't
• 18:35
  reflect anything in the actual environment and any therapist
• 18:39
  after, like a couple sessions with you would be like, oh,
• 18:43
  you're incredibly depressed and fantasizing about this
• 18:45
  obsessively, which could be a wake-up call or it's possible.
• 18:48
  They may be like, oh, it sounds like you have tremendous issues
• 18:51
  in your marriage, you know. And maybe you want to work on
• 18:54
  those first, you know, I mean or they may say you've never been
• 18:57
  in love with your wife, you know?
• 18:59
  I mean like your do you want to work on that?
• 19:01
  Like there's so many things I really feel like everybody ought
• 19:04
  to be Therapy. That's not just because I'm a
• 19:06
  therapist, but it's because you get like a smart person who's
• 19:09
  sitting there and is interested in figuring out the story of
• 19:11
  your life and is wholly devoted to that for that session.
• 19:15
  I mean, how is that bad? You know, I mean the more the
• 19:19
  more information the more Intel is like brainstorming about your
• 19:23
  life with somebody who you're paying to do that like they're
• 19:26
  going to be invested in doing that with you and trying to
• 19:29
  figure some shit out. So I mean that that's why
• 19:31
  therapy is good. All right hopefully you found
• 19:34
  this interesting. Ting and I will talk to you
• 19:36
  soon. Bye bye.