Latest / Authentic Living / Key steps to self confidence one dance step at a time

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Key steps to self confidence one dance step at a time · Authentic Living

• 0:01
  Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have conscious conversations
• 0:08
  about things that really matter in our lives.
• 0:12
  And now here's your host, Roxanne Durgesh.
• 0:38
  Hi everyone.
• 0:39
  It's, Roxanne.
• 0:40
  Thanks for tuning in, this week.
• 0:42
  This week.
• 0:43
  I have a colleague that I met.
• 0:44
  It's almost a year ago now.
• 0:47
  When we were in New York City, we were, both privilege to be working with, the motivational
• 0:53
  speaker, Les Brown, and we met at a dinner the night before, we were to be on stage.
• 0:58
  So, hi, Alka.
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  How are you today?
• 1:00
  Hi, Roxanne.
• 1:01
  I'm excited to be on your show.
• 1:03
  Okay.
• 1:04
  Yeah.
• 1:05
  I know we tried it last time, and it's it's it's it's there was a bit of loudness that we
• 1:13
  had to postpone, but, luckily, we were able to do this.
• 1:16
  So I'm gonna I'm gonna read a little bit of it all, and tell you why I wanted all on the show
• 1:21
  today.
• 1:22
  So I'll get, so she's having me she looks she works at her personal journeys and fitness, and
• 1:30
  she wants to share her love of health and wellness to the community.
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  She basically has 3 passions, which are dance, kickboxing, and healthy people be the best
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  versions of themselves.
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  Through fitness and being totally empowered.
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  In her early years, she was very challenged, lacks self confidence and self esteem issues.
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  Hit her body then and was wanting to change how she felt in her body.
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  One aspect of a training led to another form of training that was to prepare for the world of
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  Latin and ballroom dancing, which I just found out now, having not having known this part to
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  Alka, which I'm fascinated by, love to dance, but I, you know, I always look at the Latin
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  dancers, and I can't keep up.
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  My world was on a high when she said when she started to dance.
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  She was unstoppable.
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  Nobody could stop her getting recognition from judges.
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  Was incredibly, feeling like she was mad and butterfly.
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  I had wings and had freedom to fly.
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  As fitness as a farthest dance, this gave birth to her studio, which is in, Toronto.
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  And I got a dream answer today.
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  My dream is alive where she powers women to take the lead and take control of their lives.
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  Pretty impressive.
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  Thank you.
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  So so welcome.
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  Kind of, you know, you you said you struggled and it's interesting.
• 2:56
  With self esteem or or self concept, and that got you onto the kind of a path.
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  How did you Now where did you grow up?
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  You grew up?
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  I grew up in England.
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  So most of my life has been there.
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  Been there, you know, most modern adult life.
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  It was in in England.
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  So when I say it So when I say I struggled, very early on, like, back in high school, I was
• 3:27
  bullied.
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  And it was through bullying that and, you know, being a weight challenge on top of that.
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  You know, I absolutely hated how I was how my body was and how I was looking and how I was
• 3:42
  feeling.
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  And I was blessed every single day in my, you know, at school.
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  So I really want I was just, but I wanted to change how I was looking and, you know, body
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  wise.
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  And it's okay.
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  I need to get help, and that's exactly what I, you know, that's exactly what I did.
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  So I, you know, I trained hard and eventually I was, you know, feeling good, through that.
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  And then through one hospital training, then I said, okay.
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  I'm looking good.
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  I feel great.
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  I was getting told and everything.
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  And I said, okay.
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  You know what?
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  Dancing was always something that I wanna do as a child, but I didn't get that opportunity.
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  And then, later on, that's where dancing came about.
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  And now I didn't love doing that.
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  Yeah.
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  So, you know, for a lot of us, and I just told you that I was able to get to the gym today and
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  how I I juggle and the first thing that goes.
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  Yeah.
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  For a lot of us, you know, it's it's not the intention to get there or the, you know,
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  sometimes I've, you know, someone's gained, say, 10, £15.
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  It's kinda like, oh, oh, goodness.
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  You know, I can't I don't wanna go to the gym because I look at the instructor, and I think,
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  oh my god, I how can I, you know, how can I be in her class?
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  I can't do when you when you made those steps to start going, what what did you how did you
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  talk to yourself, or
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  how did you make yourself take those daily steps together?
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  I'm gonna assume you used to probably went several times a week.
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  Yes.
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  Absolutely.
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  So, you know, with anything that you desperately wanna do, whether it's exercise,
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  whether it's fitness, whether it's anything speaking, you have to take those steps, and no
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  one's gonna do it for you, but you you have to be the one to do it.
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  So knowing back in my early years, and there was a weight challenge.
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  I said, okay.
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  Well, I have to do that.
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  I have to make this step.
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  I was getting folded.
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  I had no friends.
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  How did I wanna change my life around?
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  And if you so I had to I had to be the one to do that.
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  My parents didn't do it.
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  So that's exactly what it is.
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  I plucked the courage and I just whipped into that gym.
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  It was terrifying.
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  It really was terrifying.
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  And I said, oh my god.
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  Are people gonna laugh at me, etcetera?
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  And, you know, we may feel like that.
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  So that's what that's exactly what happened.
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  I just plugged the courage and I just walked in and I began talking to someone, and that's how
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  I got enrolled.
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  In that.
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  So you have to take those steps.
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  Like they say, the baby steps not to go in and and expect that you're gonna, you know, maybe
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  do a full class or what, you know, I know when I miss.
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  I'm thinking, okay.
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  If I can breathe in a normal rhythm here and get through this class, I'm I'm successful.
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  You're you're fine.
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  Yeah.
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  Sometimes it's just kind of making those small incremental steps like you said with goals.
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  Because all of us, I mean, with goals, if you think of some of the goals that you have in
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  your I think of my some of my goals, you know, some of them are so vague that if you think
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  about it, you get paralyzed because you think, how I How am I gonna get there?
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  Right?
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  When you start to
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  break it down a bit at a time, whether it's I'm gonna go to the gym and I'm gonna stay there
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  for 20 minutes.
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  Right?
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  Exactly.
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  And then it actually kind of, build off there.
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  And that's kind of what it sounds like that you did.
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  Now mentally, how how did things start to shift for you when you started to go?
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  Well, that
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  mental shift then begins to happen because then when I just had the courage and I had to plug
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  the courage to walk into the gym, mentally, as I was surrounded by people who were fit.
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  I was surrounded by people who were working out, and that gave me the desire.
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  They the motivation than to say, okay, you know what?
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  This is the step that I had to take that I have to take to change my world around.
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  And then mentally, when you're surrounding and you'll be in that environment, automatically,
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  you know, your mentally, it does shift.
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  And so that's why it's very powerful that it doesn't matter what it is that we set out to
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  do, is that when you're in that environment and you're placed there, you have no choice.
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  You have to you look forward.
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  You don't look back.
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  So, you know, Yeah.
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  So mentally, that's exactly what happened.
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  I was just in that environment.
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  I was seeing people day in and day out and They were just looking out and I said, okay.
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  Well, I wanna do that.
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  I wanna do that.
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  I have to do that.
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  Mhmm.
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  So, guys, the key is not that I wanna do that, but I have to do it.
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  Because I wanted to change desperately my body how I was looking because I I hated it.
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  And so I made that mental shift.
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  And that physical shift to make the change.
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  So now you've you're doing some fascinating things.
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  I said, we met in in, New York last December where, you know, you coach with Les Brown, and
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  I was speaking, you weren't able
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  Was it a year ago?
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  It was a year ago.
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  Wow.
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  Well, a month less a year because it was the beginning of December, and now we're we're 2
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  weeks off the beginning of December.
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  So 3 weeks ago last year is when we met.
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  Amazing.
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  I know.
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  And, I, I know Alka had some commitments.
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  So she was flying back to Toronto, and then we realized that we both lived.
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  I I lived close to Toronto.
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  And we said we would get connected, but she works with, one of the best speaker, coaches in
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  the world, Les Brown, and I was speaking on his stage and she wasn't on the stage because she
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  had some commitments back in Toronto.
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  Now tell me, because I'm listening to you and you're saying Here I'm saying, I started where
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  I wasn't feeling so good about me, right?
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  For lots of different reasons, I'm gonna assume.
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  Like you said, it started with bullying, and that kind of I'll say that seeps into all that
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  we become if we don't do something different.
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  Then you start to move How long before you start to dance is my question because I I mean,
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  to get to the point where you're dancing professionally in competitions, I've seen those
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  people.
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  Like, I mean, that takes a a lot of work.
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  It does.
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  I I know I don't like it is is a lot of work and with my coach.
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  So, yeah, so pretty much what happened.
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  So it was that transitional period that I you know, that I was going through.
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  So when I began, as I was working out and my body was changing, my body was looking good,
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  and I was feeling great.
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  I had the energy and everything.
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  So dancing was a passion that I just wanted to that I did I didn't get the opportunity when I
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  was the when I was a child.
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  But then later on, I said, okay.
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  You know what?
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  I just stumbled upon a dance studio and I just walked in.
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  And I said, oh my god.
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  This is my dream.
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  This is my dream that I've been re earning as a child, but I didn't get to do that.
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  So I just walked in and I was talking to an instructor.
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  And one thing just led to another.
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  I did my first competition in 2004.
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  And ever since then, I've been I've been competing, and I was on a high with that
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  adrenaline.
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  You know, when you go on the dance floor, and you feel just amazing because you're surrounded
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  by people.
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  Again, it's that surrounding.
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  It's your environment.
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  Mhmm.
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  Mhmm.
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  And that's exactly what happened.
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  And so now I I haven't stopped.
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  So how long would it take when you're when you're preparing?
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  Yeah.
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  For competition, how long do you work at routines before you get actually get on stage
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  and on competition?
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  Right.
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  So I've been working out.
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  My last competition was in 2015.
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  So preparing for that and other consecutive competitions that I've done.
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  Is it takes literally I'm I'm I was training, like, literally, like, three times a week.
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  Wow.
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  3 times a week.
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  And you're practicing.
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  So mind you back then, I was doing 10 dancing.
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  I was doing Latin and tomorrow.
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  Oh, okay.
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  Okay.
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  Yes.
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  I was doing 10 dances, which is a lot.
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  So, yes, I was training three times a week.
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  You have to put in that commitment when you know that, you know, you wanna do the
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  competitions and you wanna do the best competitions.
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  And I was doing everything.
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  I was doing Montreal, I've done major competitions, Montreal, Toronto.
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  I've done Ohio Star Bulk competition.
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  So, yeah, it takes a lot.
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  It takes a lot So three times a week was my training.
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  And then on top of that, it's a nutritional aspect that you need to take care of.
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  So everything was and my coach, yeah, and he made me like, he pushed me because, okay, you
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  wanna do this?
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  I want you to do that competition.
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  So this is what we have to strive for.
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  And every now and then, I just strive to do my best.
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  When I won one competition and I wanna do the next one, I always made, you know, strategy my
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  best.
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  Wow.
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  It sounds it sounds like a lot of, a lot of work.
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  And and I would think that you would have to kind of parse out daily kind of what you have
• 13:00
  to achieve.
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  Right?
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  Like, I mean, talk about chunking down a goal.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  I I gotta I gotta focus on, walls today, and I gotta do that for an hour a half or you know,
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  and then like you said, nutrition.
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  So let's talk a little bit about nutrition.
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  Right?
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  Because you with your gym and I really want to hear the experience because with you, you speak
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  on empowerment of women.
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  I know what, you know, obviously, like, every woman wants to, you know, do everything, like
• 13:26
  all of us.
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  Right?
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  Like, I mean, even when you're younger and before you have, you know, some of us that have
• 13:31
  kids, most women have kids, and they're trying to juggle all that, and, you know, keep the
• 13:35
  business going or keeping a job and and keeping a home and trying to have friends.
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  It's it's it's
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  kinda dizzy.
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  Right?
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  It it is.
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  Yeah.
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  You know, and but and even in there, like, when you talk about self confidence, movement is
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  important, but also eating becomes important.
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  So tell me a little bit about, kind of what you guys do at the gym with women that might come
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  in.
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  Let's say they're kinda like you.
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  They've never seen, you know, never maybe never gone past the front door of a gym and they're
• 14:03
  coming in and they're wanting some help.
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  How do you kind of assist them, when they come in?
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  Right.
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  Well, what happens?
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  Like, for example, I I had a I've I've got a client and she's been with me now for about a
• 14:16
  month.
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  So initially the first time she walked in as some people, when they walk in, like, they say,
• 14:22
  okay.
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  You know what?
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  I've never worked out.
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  I like energy.
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  I'm very tired.
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  I don't wanna do anything.
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  I don't wanna do much.
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  So what I say to them is that we have We have programs, and I just say to them that okay.
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  So I take them through a step that if you haven't worked out, do something Don't go and
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  do something that's very high intensity because you're gonna burn out and you may not, you can
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  come back.
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  Okay?
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  So do something that very low intensity.
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  Like, restorative yoga, for example, if you love yoga, restorative is the best because it's
• 14:58
  not it's not high intensity.
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  It's not like power vignasa.
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  Although that's for beginners, but I always put them, if you wanna do yoga, do a restorative.
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  So, basically, I just judge by how the feeling And if they haven't exercised before and they
• 15:14
  lack energy and don't wanna do much, they haven't done much, then you know, just try try
• 15:20
  something that's very low intensity.
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  Something that's very gentle.
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  So, you know, and then after a while when people have done, that, then they tell me,
• 15:31
  okay.
• 15:31
  Well, can I try other classes?
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  And we have a wide range of classes from yoga and pilates, TRx, which is total resistance
• 15:40
  exercise, And that, it tears is is amazing because it's a total body workout.
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  And soon to come, we have arrow yoga coming.
• 15:49
  Oh, do.
• 15:50
  Yeah.
• 15:51
  I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm seeing it, but I've never tried it.
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  But I'm thinking, okay, that looks kind of interesting.
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  How do I make sure I don't fall out of those things.
• 16:00
  Oh, no.
• 16:01
  It's it's it's interesting.
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  I had an instructor who's gonna be teaching that that class is coming in the new year.
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  Right.
• 16:07
  So then she came in and because we bought the salings about it.
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  So we told her, okay.
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  Well, we've got the salings if you wanna come and try it out.
• 16:13
  And she did and it looks so much fun, Roxanne.
• 16:15
  It does look like fun.
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  It really looks like you're playing.
• 16:19
  Right?
• 16:19
  Like, I mean, which, you know, you got to feel fun and then you're working out.
• 16:24
  Right?
• 16:25
  Yeah.
• 16:26
  So for the viewers who don't know what aero yoga might be, so that is anti gravity yoga.
• 16:33
  But it is it is so good.
• 16:34
  And if you've had if you have back issues, back problems, being inverted is actually very good
• 16:41
  for you and you grow it into taller.
• 16:44
  Oh, I need that.
• 16:49
  For all the short people there, like, five foot 1 ish.
• 16:52
  Okay.
• 16:53
  Probably could try it.
• 16:54
  I mean
• 16:55
  Thank you.
• 16:55
  Your purse You're pretty short too.
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  That's what I'm saying.
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  Like me.
• 16:59
  Yeah.
• 17:00
  So you know what?
• 17:01
  Because it decompresses your science, so that's the benefit of that.
• 17:05
  Oh, okay.
• 17:06
  Wow.
• 17:06
  So, yeah, so we have amazing classes and women just love it Roxanne.
• 17:11
  So when I see them and they choose a modality that resonates with them, that's because of
• 17:19
  satisfaction.
• 17:20
  And that's really empowering to know that I'm doing something right.
• 17:25
  That's it.
• 17:25
  Yes.
• 17:26
  So that's that's that's interesting.
• 17:28
  Right?
• 17:28
  So as part of their do you do do nutrition with them too or is that part
• 17:35
  of No.
• 17:36
  I I don't do nutrition.
• 17:38
  But I will but I am working with somebody.
• 17:41
  So in the new year, that's gonna be starting as well.
• 17:44
  And also what we're gonna be doing in the new year, it's been doing workshops.
• 17:49
  Okay.
• 17:49
  So I'm gonna be having like health professionals to come in and, you know, just
• 17:55
  talk to, you know, talk to my clients so they get empowered to get the knowledge of what they
• 18:01
  have to do.
• 18:03
  Right.
• 18:03
  I know it's all about health and wellness.
• 18:05
  Right?
• 18:05
  Oh, absolutely.
• 18:06
  And it's, I mean, our entire body or or, you know, our thoughts or feelings and our body are
• 18:12
  a one.
• 18:12
  And, I mean, like, you're right.
• 18:14
  When you start to move, then you start to think, wow.
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  I just did a burpee.
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  Like, you know, I can do, you know, and then you realize, oh my god.
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  I've done 50 burpees.
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  No big deal, which I never knew what that was because I never grew up in North America, but I
• 18:29
  used to those damn things.
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  Right?
• 18:32
  And, you know, and then you kinda realize, wow.
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  They're the hardest.
• 18:36
  I used to hate them, and now I I can do them.
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  So it's like, you're right.
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  That mental is like, anything's possible.
• 18:44
  Yep.
• 18:45
  Exactly.
• 18:46
  So so can I ask you, so now do you love them?
• 18:50
  I I yes.
• 18:52
  I do know.
• 18:52
  I've first, I hated them because I always felt like, okay, I might do another I look stupid
• 18:57
  doing these, and then I'd be like, okay, I can't do more than 3.
• 19:01
  And then what would happen is we used to, you know, when you go into those different classes
• 19:05
  where you go to stations.
• 19:07
  And then before you know it, you'd go up there and it'd be like, okay.
• 19:09
  On the board, it says 50 burpees, and I'm thinking, I'm not gonna go through that.
• 19:14
  And then before you know it,
• 19:15
  a couple months in, You've done it.
• 19:17
  No.
• 19:17
  It's like, no big deal.
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  It's on the chalkboard.
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  You go up there, and that's one of the stations.
• 19:22
  And then you're doing it.
• 19:23
  So I I you're so right when you say, you know, you take the step and then all of a sudden,
• 19:28
  your body, you know, start to say, well, you can do it.
• 19:32
  And and then you think, wow, this is possible.
• 19:34
  Like, you know, or even the TRX, which is can be quite difficult.
• 19:39
  Yeah.
• 19:40
  But once you start to do it, how you could kind of again, you feel in your body and then you
• 19:44
  know.
• 19:45
  And then mentally, you feel stronger and emotional, you know, I can do
• 19:49
  That's right.
• 19:49
  That's right.
• 19:50
  So let's talk about the mess.
• 19:52
  Yeah.
• 19:52
  Sorry.
• 19:53
  Go ahead.
• 19:53
  When you when you talk about women's empowerment and Tell me about your speaking
• 20:00
  because I know that you've been speaking and that's the topic that you speak about.
• 20:04
  Tell me whether speaking got birth and when you start deciding start to speak?
• 20:10
  Right.
• 20:11
  So speaking to is a passion, and I just felt that
• 20:11
  I wanted
• 20:16
  to follow all my passions, and you have to.
• 20:20
  So, my tombstone, I don't wanna have that regret.
• 20:23
  I don't wanna I don't wanna you know, be on my tombstone to say I didn't do it.
• 20:30
  Mhmm.
• 20:30
  Like like I said, you gotta do it.
• 20:32
  So exactly what I did.
• 20:35
  I'm following my passion, and I just felt, and I feel that This is what I was meant to do.
• 20:43
  People have to hear my voice and it's my message, and that's the most important thing.
• 20:48
  It's my message that I want people to know my journey, everything that I've gone through, and
• 20:56
  to the woman that I am today.
• 20:57
  And what I truly stand for So that's what really empowers me knowing that I have this
• 21:04
  voice and I have this message.
• 21:07
  That I want people to know that if you have if you have a story and you've faced adversity,
• 21:12
  you've had challenges within roadblocks in your life.
• 21:20
  Do not let that stop you.
• 21:23
  Do not let that stop you because that will hinder every aspect of your life.
• 21:27
  And that's that's exactly what I'm doing.
• 21:29
  I'm just following what I want to know to do and that is my message and my story so that
• 21:36
  people can be motivated and be inspired by that.
• 21:40
  And it's it's so true.
• 21:41
  Right?
• 21:41
  Because we all have stories.
• 21:42
  When somebody says to me, and they, you know, they might see you or I and say, you know,
• 21:46
  you've been doing it for for a long time.
• 21:48
  And I said, you know, 8 years ago, yes, I had never I've spoken corporately, but I'd never
• 21:54
  spoken professionally or motivationally.
• 21:57
  And I had that idea in my brain like you did, and I always loved speaking, but it was scary
• 22:03
  for me.
• 22:05
  Right?
• 22:05
  Here I am.
• 22:06
  I've got the background, and then I write my book, and then I'm thinking, now I'm gonna
• 22:11
  speak about it.
• 22:12
  Talk about you know, that that, you know, Gremlin and my brain saying, who do you think
• 22:19
  you are?
• 22:20
  Right.
• 22:21
  Exactly.
• 22:22
  And then I'm thinking, because I could talk about other people's stuff.
• 22:25
  Not a problem.
• 22:26
  I've been doing that for years.
• 22:27
  But when it came to telling my own story and my That's where I've I got a lot of, second
• 22:34
  guessing myself and stuff like that.
• 22:37
  And, and then again, getting the right people.
• 22:40
  You're so right to help you through that to say, what have you been doing since you were
• 22:44
  twenty 1?
• 22:44
  I go, well, I've been helping people.
• 22:45
  Okay.
• 22:46
  What are you writing about?
• 22:47
  I'm talking about relationships and helping people.
• 22:49
  So who says you're not an expert to be able to find a package.
• 22:53
  Right?
• 22:54
  Yeah.
• 22:54
  That's right.
• 22:55
  That's right.
• 22:55
  But sometimes it's just having somebody around you say that.
• 22:58
  So is that what when you decided to, start speaking, what where did you go?
• 23:02
  Did you go straight to the less bound around academy, or did you do other things before you
• 23:08
  actually gone on stage?
• 23:10
  No.
• 23:10
  I didn't.
• 23:10
  I didn't.
• 23:11
  I I actually because I knew then speaking it, you know, was a platform and that was something
• 23:18
  that I just wanted to get into and I didn't know how.
• 23:21
  So, you know, I just so less at an event, and I just signed up for one of his courses and
• 23:27
  pretty much that's how we started.
• 23:28
  So now that he does coach me, it's cool because I get to see how, you know, how I am in terms
• 23:36
  of my delivery when I'm speaking.
• 23:39
  So having, you know, having someone who's there to mentor you, having someone who's there who
• 23:47
  sees you, that how you can do it and how you can be as a speaker, it's it's amazing because,
• 23:54
  you know, we all need that because sometimes when you're in the picture, you can't do the
• 23:58
  frame.
• 23:59
  It's not
• 24:00
  it's not the truth.
• 24:01
  I like that lie.
• 24:02
  I like that lie.
• 24:03
  But that's true.
• 24:04
  Yes.
• 24:05
  Thank you.
• 24:06
  How can I have the how do you see the frame?
• 24:08
  So you can't see anything that's around you.
• 24:11
  So if someone that look in on the outside and they see how you're doing, That is a tremendous
• 24:17
  help.
• 24:18
  And, you know, to having a coach, having a mentor is great because we won't need that.
• 24:23
  And absolutely because, like, you know, I think of yourself, the steps you were talking about,
• 24:29
  and a bit about your you had been through some adversity that you actually share on stage.
• 24:34
  Do you actually cherish her about some of the steps of adversity you you went through?
• 24:38
  So someone would not probably not think about that if they were just see you.
• 24:42
  Right?
• 24:42
  They would think, oh, well, what what is this?
• 24:44
  I mean, this woman is she's intelligent.
• 24:46
  She's beautiful.
• 24:47
  You know, all those things.
• 24:48
  She's a business owner, but they don't realize you know, what I have to.
• 24:52
  Yeah.
• 24:53
  Right?
• 24:53
  To be able to get there.
• 24:54
  Right?
• 24:55
  And they assume, that's, you know, all of a sudden you're there and you're you're polished
• 25:00
  and and all those things.
• 25:01
  They don't see all those things that you went through in order to get you there.
• 25:06
  Right.
• 25:06
  Yeah.
• 25:06
  You're you're right.
• 25:07
  And people may not see that you know, looking at me, they may not see that.
• 25:11
  I mean, everything's perfect.
• 25:13
  But, no, once you get to know me, there is a deeper store there's a deeper, you know,
• 25:22
  message that I do have.
• 25:24
  And that is that, you know, each and every one of us, we all face with adversity at one point.
• 25:32
  And for me, it was like.
• 25:33
  It's very was very traumatic.
• 25:37
  Something that I wouldn't wanna wish upon anyone, but, you know, having said that is, you
• 25:43
  know, all the experiences that I have gone through that we go through, that only makes us
• 25:48
  stronger.
• 25:49
  And it and it made me so much stronger that I could accomplish anything because of my story,
• 25:55
  because of my experiences.
• 25:57
  And I think Is the experiences that you go through that you're faced with?
• 26:01
  Judy makes you who you are today.
• 26:05
  So I'm
• 26:05
  pretty great.
• 26:06
  Yes.
• 26:06
  I'm very grateful to that because if I didn't have those experiences, I would not be able to
• 26:12
  share with anyone, and I would not be able to share my message to the world.
• 26:17
  That needs to hear that.
• 26:18
  You know what I love about your story is that is the links, right, because how you like you
• 26:24
  said, you were why were you bullied?
• 26:26
  What was it?
• 26:27
  Why did you was there any particular reason, or there was just this was an it was just in
• 26:32
  England when you were in primary school in England?
• 26:34
  Yes.
• 26:35
  Yes.
• 26:35
  Exactly.
• 26:36
  You know, they just bothered me because the way, the way that I looked and you know, they
• 26:42
  they were just picking on me.
• 26:43
  Okay.
• 26:44
  Okay.
• 26:44
  They were just picking on me.
• 26:45
  And how many how many people really in list name would could probably relate to some point
• 26:50
  of their lives if it wasn't even as a child, you know, corporately even or being a female in
• 26:57
  a certain environment or even a man in a predominantly, female environment.
• 27:02
  We've all had some sense that, you know, we've been treated badly.
• 27:05
  Right?
• 27:05
  And, you know, and then you kinda go, oh my god.
• 27:08
  This is only happening to me.
• 27:10
  It doesn't happen to anybody else, but, really, when we start talk.
• 27:13
  We realize how much of a commonality that is.
• 27:16
  And even with myself and my consulting, when I'll talk to people, I'm I'm always shocked,
• 27:21
  Alka, how many people will talk about bullying experiences and how it imprinted them about
• 27:28
  their perception of themselves in the world.
• 27:31
  And then somebody coming to me in their fifties or the sixties, and they're still talking about
• 27:35
  those times.
• 27:36
  When this happened or that happened or nobody protected me because they make a trigger back
• 27:40
  to that spot.
• 27:41
  And if they don't clear it up, they wreck it.
• 27:44
  They basically bringing the past with them.
• 27:46
  That's right.
• 27:47
  That's so true.
• 27:48
  Exactly.
• 27:49
  So sometimes when we have those baggage units, you know, and we see something that's gonna be
• 27:55
  happening in the future, you absolutely cannot carry that baggage that you've had in the past
• 28:01
  dictate what what you're gonna be doing in the future with the with the partner, with anyone,
• 28:06
  because that's gonna hinder you, and that's really not could you how can you move forward
• 28:10
  when you have some of that at the back.
• 28:13
  Right?
• 28:13
  You can't.
• 28:14
  Yes.
• 28:14
  Yes.
• 28:15
  It gets heavier and heavier if you don't, you know, if you don't deal with it, I I always
• 28:20
  these are the things that I say to people when I coach them or or see them in practice.
• 28:25
  They say you have to honor it.
• 28:26
  It happened.
• 28:27
  You gotta bear it.
• 28:28
  You gotta go you gotta go to the root of that dandy line because if you lob off the top, it's
• 28:33
  gonna grow back again.
• 28:34
  And you're gonna let it go because if not and you don't, think about all the things that have
• 28:40
  maybe happened in your life or for people listening in my life.
• 28:43
  I know I've had a ton of things happen.
• 28:45
  If you don't, you know, deal with it as it happens, how heavy is that load gonna be?
• 28:50
  Oh, it's so heavy.
• 28:51
  Exactly.
• 28:52
  It's it's so heavy because it it it and it's kinda draining.
• 28:55
  Right?
• 28:56
  It's kinda draining.
• 28:58
  Yeah.
• 28:58
  So you know, so with my experience, what I found was that, you know, I just had to
• 29:04
  forgive, and forgiveness Roxanne is huge too.
• 29:07
  You have to sometimes go and say, oh my god, you know, why do I have to forget?
• 29:11
  Well, yes, you have to.
• 29:13
  If you wanna move forward with your life, and you meet somebody and you wanna move forward,
• 29:18
  say, for example, with with that person, you have to forgive your parents.
• 29:23
  You have to because forgiveness we become light.
• 29:28
  Mhmm.
• 29:28
  Just like you mentioned, perfect.
• 29:29
  Is that, you know, you feel heavy.
• 29:31
  Right?
• 29:31
  So when you start to forgive, your ex, your partner, whoever, your friend, you will feel so
• 29:39
  much better and you feel lighter.
• 29:41
  When that load is lightened, You're saying, oh my god.
• 29:45
  Why didn't I see that before?
• 29:46
  Why not do that before?
• 29:48
  But, you know, it's never to me.
• 29:49
  Yeah.
• 29:50
  No.
• 29:50
  No.
• 29:50
  And it never is.
• 29:51
  And I think, you know, that's the thing.
• 29:53
  Right?
• 29:53
  A lot of people that have been through bad things that don't deal with it, they become
• 29:57
  avoidant.
• 29:58
  They're afraid then to go back and feel, you know, I think that when I went through my tough
• 30:02
  time with my separation or, I had a loss in my family 2 years ago, horrific time.
• 30:10
  Right?
• 30:11
  And, you know, there's a human instinct into us that none of us wanna feel pain.
• 30:18
  Not.
• 30:18
  We're not wired to deal with pain, so we avoid it.
• 30:22
  And then we kinda, you know, make them a story, and then we figure out an excuse.
• 30:26
  And before you know, it's it's it's kinda going off, you know, like, fireworks all over our
• 30:31
  lives that needs to be addressed, but we keep avoiding it.
• 30:34
  And the more that we avoid it, then it gets bigger, like, to your point.
• 30:38
  And when and then you have an opportunity to do something grandiose in your life, like, have a
• 30:42
  a fantastic relationship or a an opportunity to be able to go into, say, a dance competition,
• 30:47
  and then you you you play small.
• 30:51
  Exactly.
• 30:51
  That's right.
• 30:52
  Exactly.
• 30:53
  Place more and, you know, you feel, okay.
• 30:55
  Well, I don't wanna do anything.
• 30:58
  I don't want to do offense, and so you give up.
• 31:01
  Mhmm.
• 31:01
  Mhmm.
• 31:02
  Right?
• 31:02
  And so you give up on life.
• 31:05
  And why should you have to do that?
• 31:07
  So when you when you talk to women on stage, tell me what you tell them because I, you know,
• 31:14
  I I'm not saying it.
• 31:14
  I'm sure there's men on here too listening as much as they are women, but any of us that have
• 31:19
  been through a tough time.
• 31:21
  What kind of words of wisdom could you give someone that's listening and say, yeah.
• 31:24
  Yeah.
• 31:25
  Yeah.
• 31:25
  Okay.
• 31:26
  That's all see all well and good.
• 31:27
  It's easy for you to say.
• 31:29
  What do you share with women or, you know, people when you meet them to empower them to
• 31:35
  connect to themselves?
• 31:37
  Right.
• 31:38
  So pretty much what I would say is that whatever we've all been through adversities and
• 31:45
  whatever challenges and roadblocks that you've had.
• 31:48
  And if, say, for example, you wanna get in to you wanna you wanna get fit and you wanna get
• 31:55
  into that fitness realm.
• 31:58
  Right?
• 31:59
  I would just say, okay.
• 32:00
  Well, what you need to do is, 1st of all, just recognize yourself.
• 32:05
  Just maybe just have that mental charter, and that's what I did.
• 32:09
  I had the mental chatter saying, okay.
• 32:11
  You know what?
• 32:11
  Can I do this?
• 32:12
  No.
• 32:12
  I can't do that.
• 32:13
  So once you begin to will it value yourself?
• 32:17
  And it's all about valuing yourself and your self work and knowing you are so much better.
• 32:22
  You are greater than what you back to the second one, then, you know, taking those steps
• 32:29
  one at a time will actually lead you, get to where you wanna go.
• 32:34
  So you wanna get fit, then you would go into the gym, and then you start to choose the
• 32:39
  workouts you wanna do.
• 32:40
  So everything is like a climbing, that amino acids and building blocks of, you know,
• 32:46
  protein, but you're building the the mountain, climbing the mountain, and but taking those
• 32:51
  small little baby steps initially to get to where you wanna go.
• 32:55
  And that's how you feel empowered.
• 32:57
  So when people festival when they see me, and I think, oh my god.
• 33:00
  Well, you know, there's nothing wrong with you.
• 33:02
  Like, you don't perfect, but they don't know that deeper issues, underlining that with the
• 33:09
  message that I have.
• 33:10
  So things like with anyone else, when you have faced those goals off, and the adversities that
• 33:17
  you've gone through and and we're saying to yourself, no, but I can't do this.
• 33:20
  No, but I I wanna do this, but I how can I do that?
• 33:24
  Yes, you can.
• 33:25
  Yes.
• 33:26
  You can be inclined to do that.
• 33:27
  So you just have to take the sort of greatest step and just, you know, save yourself and have
• 33:34
  those you know, mind chatters that say, okay, you know what?
• 33:38
  Yes.
• 33:38
  I'm worthy of that.
• 33:39
  Yes.
• 33:39
  My self worth is so much higher.
• 33:42
  When you begin to say that, Roxanne, you're giving positive affirmation, and then
• 33:46
  everything does begin to take place.
• 33:49
  And then you would choose that.
• 33:51
  Right.
• 33:51
  And then I often say that, you know, I think that when I was separating and things were
• 33:55
  pretty tough with me, And when I could when I when I couldn't lower the voice because I so
• 34:02
  much was going on, I would just surround myself with my best friends who would be louder than
• 34:07
  me.
• 34:07
  And I threw, you know, every year, I threw big birthday parties for myself.
• 34:11
  Do I remember what I did at those?
• 34:13
  No.
• 34:15
  You know, we just got together and we talked and we laughed.
• 34:18
  Was I sat?
• 34:19
  Absolutely.
• 34:20
  But I had it was so that whole element of like you said, when you go to the gym or wherever
• 34:25
  you go, I don't care where you go.
• 34:26
  Uh-huh.
• 34:27
  And you start to say is where I'm around.
• 34:31
  Is that helping me or hurting me?
• 34:32
  Yeah.
• 34:33
  And who am I surrounding myself with?
• 34:34
  And what we know about resilience is resilience is going towards versus stepping aside because
• 34:41
  the instinct with all all of us is to protect to to just kind of hide ourselves, even like
• 34:46
  you'll see people like that when they're depressed.
• 34:48
  They kind of fall into themselves.
• 34:50
  And then when you start to open up, even if you're not feeling it, but you're around people
• 34:55
  that say, of course, I'll cut you're you're this or you're that, then you kinda go, oh,
• 34:58
  maybe I am.
• 34:59
  Even if you're not feeling it at that time versus if you surround yourself with people
• 35:04
  that are not giving you something positive to hold on to it becomes a little bit more
• 35:08
  difficult.
• 35:09
  Because we all get through things, but sometimes it takes harder, longer and harder
• 35:13
  times to get through if you're if you're not doing some of those basic basic things.
• 35:18
  Exactly.
• 35:18
  And surrounding yourself by people, you know, friends who who are there to encourage you to,
• 35:24
  like, you know, take you out of the rut that you're in.
• 35:27
  Right.
• 35:27
  Absolutely.
• 35:28
  Thank you so so much better.
• 35:29
  So sometimes, yeah, you need to be around people who aren't gonna uplift you.
• 35:33
  People who support you.
• 35:34
  People who are gonna say, okay.
• 35:36
  You know what?
• 35:37
  I believe in what what you're doing.
• 35:39
  But maybe sometimes you don't see that, but other people do.
• 35:44
  And just surround yourself, but people gonna be positive.
• 35:47
  People who're gonna support you.
• 35:49
  It doesn't matter what you're gonna do.
• 35:51
  Because at some point, you're gonna pick up the baton yourself.
• 35:53
  Right?
• 35:53
  There's two parts that we know about self esteem.
• 35:56
  Self esteem might be initially kind of surrounding yourself with people that are good
• 36:00
  to, but at some point, you're gonna have to pick up that baton on yourself.
• 36:03
  Oh, and when people aren't there, Right?
• 36:05
  Because you have to do it to yourself.
• 36:07
  So it's having the capacity or the ability to recognize that now I can start doing some stuff
• 36:12
  on my own without completely being surrounded with people that have to reinforce me all the
• 36:17
  time.
• 36:18
  Exactly.
• 36:18
  You know, so Vicky will enforce you, but then absolutely correct.
• 36:22
  You have to then take that take that step and do it yourself.
• 36:27
  So for peep for people, wanting to kind of hear more about you, where do you speak, you know,
• 36:36
  tell him about the gym.
• 36:37
  I know it's It's in Toronto.
• 36:39
  So for people listening, because we have listeners all over, where can they, you know,
• 36:44
  can they come and check out the gym?
• 36:46
  Can they go on and check out the gym, those types of things, and and and where where where
• 36:50
  are you speaking next, or where do you want opportunities to speak next where people can
• 36:54
  reach you?
• 36:56
  Well, I'm sure there will be some speaking engagements coming up.
• 37:00
  I don't know who I'm gonna be speaking but, hopefully, you know, maybe in the new year,
• 37:05
  there may be some.
• 37:06
  But in terms of my studio, yes, I would welcome you.
• 37:10
  I would love for you to just come on in.
• 37:13
  If you're in the Toronto area, you come and say hi, and I would love to meet you.
• 37:17
  So, yeah, this is My studio, the address is 7163 Yonge Street, in Thornhill.
• 37:24
  You can go to my website, office totalfitness.com, or you can email me, or just
• 37:31
  call me.
• 37:32
  My phone number is 416-565-4962 And if you are in a Toronto area, I would love to see all of
• 37:41
  you, and I would love to say hi.
• 37:43
  So just come and buy, don't don't be shy.
• 37:46
  Okay.
• 37:46
  We'll have to make sure I'm I have to make sure I pack my running shoes next time I come to
• 37:50
  Toronto and come by and
• 37:52
  I'm asking you to get a good workout too.
• 37:55
  Now that I'm actually, you know, putting myself back there.
• 37:58
  So this is, this has been I'm glad we'd spent the time and, you know, I'm I when I when I
• 38:06
  listen to you, I think, you know, put on the shoes, get out there, and move.
• 38:12
  Yeah.
• 38:14
  Just move.
• 38:14
  And then, I mean, and then you go from incremental steps to being able to dance in
• 38:21
  ballroom competitions, to being able to to talk to other, people or mostly women, and I know
• 38:29
  we, you know, with as women, we we second guess ourselves a lot, unfortunately.
• 38:33
  I think it's getting better in in It's getting better.
• 38:36
  Yeah.
• 38:37
  But even our time probably it was less so.
• 38:41
  So it's it's nice to be able to see that, you're out there helping women see what maybe
• 38:46
  at times they may not see in themselves or do maybe break, it's difficult for them to make
• 38:51
  that step.
• 38:52
  Absolutely.
• 38:53
  And you know, that's what gives me the greatest satisfaction knowing that if I can help them
• 38:58
  going, you know, to help into whatever they're going through, and just be there and support
• 39:05
  them in that in that time.
• 39:07
  So whether it's fitness, whether it's anything, I just wanna be that You got support.
• 39:13
  Awesome.
• 39:14
  Awesome.
• 39:15
  Yes.
• 39:15
  Well, you keep up the good work.
• 39:17
  And for everyone listening, please reach out to Alka if you're ever wanting to find out more
• 39:23
  about, some of the things she's done.
• 39:25
  So again, confidence is something that you don't just get It's by taking steps daily.
• 39:31
  And the more connected you get to yourself, my, you know, like talk a lot about authenticity
• 39:36
  and mental wellness.
• 39:37
  That starts with something as small as taking a step or learning to slow down your thoughts or
• 39:43
  really kind of sitting in silence and really kind of listening to what your body is telling
• 39:48
  you.
• 39:48
  Doesn't take something, you know, doesn't have to be dramatic, like, you know, going out of,
• 39:52
  you know, like, a full day hike.
• 39:54
  It could be something really, really small.
• 39:56
  And for anyone who want more information on me, you can go to roxanderhodge.com forward slash
• 40:02
  blueprint where you'll you can sign up for a free course that will help you to learn some
• 40:06
  more strategies to get more connected to yourself.
• 40:09
  So take care, everyone.
• 40:10
  Take care, Alka, and we'll talk to
• 40:12
  you soon.
• 40:12
  Thank you.
• 40:13
  Have a good day.
• 40:14
  Bye.
• 40:14
  Bye.
• 40:16
  Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive
• 40:21
  healthy chain.
• 40:22
  Roxanne is a keynote speaker, psychotherapist, and coach to work with Roxanne, visit
• 40:29
  roxannedurhaj.com slash blueprint.
• 40:33
  We'll see you next time on authentic living with Roxanne.