Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Women Are Scared Or Disgusted By Male Sexual Desire

Transcript

When Women Are Scared Or Disgusted By Male Sexual Desire · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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Psych mom show today. I am going to be talking about
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when women are scared or disgusted by their husbands sex
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drive and buy some aspects of sex in general.
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But particularly about when a man gets excited and what could
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lead to this and also how to reckon with it and how to cope
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with it, and even work through it right?
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Hopefully. So Before I do that, I'd like to
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tell her where you to subscribe. Of course, my most recent
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subscription-only episode was on attachment.
0:42
I've also had the women on oral sex one and just so many others,
0:45
30 + 35 + by now, I think and also please do sign up for my
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zoom event with Dad starting over which is Thursday.
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May 19th at 6:30 to 8 p.m. Eastern Standard so that should
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be fun. You can ask us anything about
1:01
monogamy and if you like my podcast with him then this
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for fun, discussions about sex, parenting relationships and more
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engagement with me. Alright, so, why would women To
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be scared of or disgusted, by their husbands sex drive.
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And what does this look like? Well, there's a lot of guys that
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I have in couples counseling. A lot of guys, their wives that
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I have in couples counseling, where the guy is upset that the
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woman really never wants to have sex, but it's like, he can
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articulate how he feels that. It kind of like goes beyond her.
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Just not wanting to have sex. Like it's more hurtful somehow,
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and he can't really usually verbalize the feeling of it and
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In these situations. Usually, there are a few
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emotions that are coming out, which are unusual.
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So the average woman in monogamy, shall be kind of bored
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and disinterested when her sex drive drops off.
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She'll be kind of like irritated maybe that this has something to
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do like, you know, and she doesn't want to do it, and of
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course, I point those women to my podcast on responsive desire,
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but either way, what they don't act is they don't act scared
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disgusted or angry. I mean, if you're thinking she's
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a Disgusted. I mean I guess specially if
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you're doing some dumb shit, like waving your penis around or
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something that like a man would think it's funny that isn't but
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like, you know, making your penis talk in a funny voice or
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something. I don't know.
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Like that sort of shit will make her disgusted.
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But I'm saying like when, you know, when finally like you may
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this may make sense to you. If I say, does your wife seem
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disgusted, by the very fact of you having desire like this, the
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thing that like you've been Reading all women want to be
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desired when they want to be desired.
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I say that to most women do want to be desired, but there are
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some women that really don't and in fact your desire now keep in
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mind I didn't say that most women want to have lots of sex
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with in monogamy. You know they they have
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generally their sex drives Trail off with in monogamy and the
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ways that I've enumerated, countless times but the average
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woman still likes to feel desired and if the romance and
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desire was on the table and you were really bringing your
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A-game. And they would get in the mood,
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right? But there's women wear, the very
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fact of the man experiencing desire, is perceived as either
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scarier disgusting. These are usually situations
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where there was some kind of trauma around sex.
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So when a woman has experienced unwanted sex whether that was
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when she was a child or when she was a young woman and here A
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Penny, you know, sexual abuse, when she was a kid.
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And before she could really be in control of herself, she was
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trained that men are aggressive and they will hurt me.
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And sexual contact is not anything that I can acquiesce
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to, and if a man experiences desire around me, that is a very
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bad thing because I'm going to get hurt.
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So, if you see a disgust or a fear response and, or an anger
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response because remember fight or flight, if a woman has been
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exposed to sexual abuse, or Actual trauma of any sort, and
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there's other kinds that I'll talk to you about in a sec, but
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she will be scared, disgusted and enraged.
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And if these are reactions that you're seeing than it is really,
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it really may be the case, not every woman, but it may be the
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case that there are some sexual traumas in your wife's past or,
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or she was raised in an environment where sex was
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thought of as an incredibly bad and and very dangerous.
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So, some religious environments are like This some women, I
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mentioned in another podcast. I use an example, if, if your
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wife's mother, let's say had been raped or assaulted and your
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wife has, not the wife's mother, though may have taught her.
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That sex is terrible. Men are predatory men are scary.
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Don't like, don't don't let a man take advantage of you.
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This is all men want. So a woman who's trained like
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that will also feel fear. Disgust or anger remember anger
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is like a mobilizing emotion that instead of fight or flight.
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So she is scared. Comes off as angry, she will
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feel those things around, not the idea of sex in the abstract
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although possibly that as well. But your desire, the the fact of
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you losing control, you may say man I barely lose control at
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all. I have myself so Under Wraps
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because I don't want to God forbid.
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Do something that you could find potentially offensive at all,
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but even like an exhale, even like a sigh, you know, anything
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that indicates that your body. Is in control.
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It is that that it's a body thing for you that your mind is
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now working at a level below that of your body that there's
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some sort of reflexive automatic sexual responding going on such
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as you getting an erection right, such as you breathing
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differently, such as you your tone of voice is different as
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you're talking, she may associate that with you are out
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of control and going to hurt me and usually There is that sort
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of response in a woman. It is because she has been
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taught very negative things about sex.
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Either explicitly or she's inferred them.
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By the shit that's happened to her.
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So usually there are deeper issues around sex if you are
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noticing a reaction like this. So how do you deal with it when
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your wife has this kind of response?
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Well first of all you probably want to talk about it as a fear
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or disgust response because of you are saying to your wife.
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I notice you don't like to have sex with me or you're like
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deciding to put your head in the sand about this kind of response
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and just like Google stuff on why women don't initiate sex.
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This is not your problem. You know, your problem is that
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your wife doesn't initiate sex because she's bored because
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you're in monogamy. Your problem is that your wife
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is having a very visceral. Disgusted scared or angry
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reaction to sex with you. So that's what you actually have
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to call it. You have to say it looks like
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you really like angry or disgusted or scared when I
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initiate sex or particularly when I get into it because this
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is really the issue is, there are usually certain things that
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strike the woman as out of control or animalistic in some
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way. And all of these dovetail with
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your desire, that's why I like she doesn't care if you jerk off
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like women, who feel like this, they don't know.
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Associate sex with anything good.
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They feel like go masturbate, please like, get it away from me
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and like, take care of that elsewhere and then we could be
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in peace away from that animalistic.
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Urge, they would prefer women who feel like this that you
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masturbate immediately before seeing them everyday, because
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then you would feel, you wouldn't feel that desire.
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They don't like the desire somewhere along the line.
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They have been taught that the desire is bad.
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The desire is scary. The desire means you will
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attack. You are not yourself.
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You're not a good guy, a good dad, a good husband.
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You're an animal in those moments.
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That's how she feels even if again, you think you could not
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possibly be less out of control when you guys have sex because
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she only allows you to do about three things in the same order
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every time and how and you don't even really particularly give a
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shit and you're kind of bored anyway, but any literally, you
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have to lose control in some way because you have an orgasm, you
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know? And so even that may be
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discussed it, you know, when I feel like sometimes This is the
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root of one, the women don't like to go down on the guys
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until they come, right until the orgasm.
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They'll do it a little bit, but not when it gets anywhere close
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because that's like to up close and personal with the male
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orgasm, which is the ultimate being out of control.
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So, if it is upsetting to you, in a man is out of control.
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And anyway, for the reasons that I described, then you really not
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gonna like the orgasm, you don't want to be like
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front-and-center, like observing it at all.
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It upsets you and scares you in general.
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So, You should say to your wife. I noticed that you have this
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kind of reaction. I really feel like we should go
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to couples therapy or Sex Therapy about it because it's
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not just that I'm an asshole, you know.
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I don't think it is like you may say it's because I don't help is
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because I don't do this is because I don't do that.
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But I notice myself that this is an unusually visceral disgust
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response that you know probably honestly if I go back you would
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say as the man who's trying to be honest, I noticed this from
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the beginning. I my God.
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You did. If you're honest with yourself,
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she She always had certain rules restrictions Etc that were made
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to keep sex in a little box so that she could be less scared of
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it. I'm scared of the loss of
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control that it entails and so if you go back to your
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courtship, these are people who have many restrictions, many
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rules, who have many things you can do, and can't do.
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And this is not just a low sex drive thing.
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This is frequently a very big distaste around sex that that
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usually goes along with. On the sort of teachings about
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sex or experiences with sex, where it sex was, in fact,
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dangerous and disgusting, and meant only bad things.
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Now, if you're listening to this, and you and this all make
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sense to you and, or you are the wife listening to this and you
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say, I do have a trauma history. Well, then that is something
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very tough, you know, and you need to really work on that in
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individual therapy. Usually there are can also be
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other modalities like, you know, Group therapy, or there's even
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a, what is it? It's survivors there.
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I know there's a survivors of incest 14.
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People have been abused by a relative, but there's also a
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survivors of sexual abuse. I think there's group therapy,
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but there's also individual therapy and individual therapy
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works. I myself used to work with
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children who had been sexually, abused, and with children, who
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have been sexually abused, we use trauma-focused CBT.
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And I think I had talked about this in another podcast, but
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I'll briefly review it. You A little book with the
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child, the child draws a book with words about everything that
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happened to them because it's like they can't they find it so
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shameful. So they're like, even scared of
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thinking about it. To the point is to integrate the
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story and to the greater Narrative of their life, and to
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show them that, it wasn't shameful at all.
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And it happened to them. They didn't deserve it, they
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didn't ask for it. There they aren't to blame in
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any way. And then at the end of doing all
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of this, it's basically exposure therapy with the story.
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Three as the stimulus that you're using as exposure and
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also your challenging as you go along, like these cognitive
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distortions, that these children have about this, like things.
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Like, I could have gotten away, I could have escaped because of
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my body responded with arousal. It makes me a bad person.
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It makes me a weirdo a freak or like whatever.
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So, that's what we do with kids and it's honestly not much
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different. What we do with grownups except
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you don't dry out a little book unless of course you want to and
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you just talk about it, you understand.
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And more of what really happened.
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How it shaped you, you challenged, all of the beliefs
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about your self-worth and sexuality and and trust, and all
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of these foundational Concepts that were hurt so much by what
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happened to you. And so, you also may be
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listening to this and saying but I didn't have an abuse history.
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So I really don't know why I have this response which I
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really do in fact, recognized as a visceral, disgust fear or
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anger response. I don't really know why I have
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it. If I would be really, really
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surprised if you grew up in a sex positive household and you
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have one of these kinds of reactions.
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I really would be surprised and and or maybe you did.
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But then you had early and early relationship where somebody was
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coercive or betrayed you in some way sexually or sex with somehow
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made to be very bad for you. It's a discussed or a fear or
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anger response. Like what I'm discussing it
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doesn't happen out of nowhere, you know, sex isn't Normal
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healthy things. So it has to be that you were
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trained to think it is. Not a sexuality, is very
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different asexuality. Many believe is an orientation
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and that's a person is just never been interested in sex,
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and they don't feel disgusted scared or angry.
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Unless of course, they've told you that they are asexual, new
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keep pushing sex. In that case, there are bigger
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fish to fry. So, just a sexual and an
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asexual, probably are not going to be very happy in a marriage
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but I'm not talking about an asexual person.
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I'm talking about a person who has been been hurt by sex or has
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been in some way taught that the idea of sex is so bad that they
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cannot basically Express their sexuality in a healthy way.
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They cannot be accepting or even delighted by a Partners arousal
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instead it is something to be feared or something that makes
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you very angry because you feel that your boundaries are being
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pushed in a way that Echoes the things that you either
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experienced or were taught about Sex.
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I eat that sex is bad and that it is hurtful and it is
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dangerous and it is not good for you and somebody will only do it
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to you, if they don't like you. And somebody is out of control
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and a different person that is not in control of themselves,
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and cannot be trusted. When sexual arousal happens, and
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many women are taught things like this, like men just think
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with their dicks, you know? Like if your mother hates your
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father, hates her life and think and says to you, that men are
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predatory and you gotta watch yourself.
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Yourself and and and if you wear that kind of outfit, a man is
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going to approach you and hurt you, and then are assholes if
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you learn this as a woman, I mean, what are you going to end
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up thinking, you're gonna have a positive response when your
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husband has an orgasm, certainly not how could you?
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It makes no sense, right? You would not have been learned
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your lesson and we are very good Learners particularly at a young
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age. So if this describes your
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marital situation, you really want to get into therapy
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immediately. Now if your wife does identify I
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was having been either abused or having experienced.
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These sorts of lessons around sex, then individual therapy
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would be very useful prior to couples or at least alongside
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it. And if you have no idea and or
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your wife Bo says that nothing happened like this, and it isn't
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really discussed, but you kind of think it is.
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You know, then couples counseling can really help
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parcel out which sort of reaction is happening.
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And why, and the underlying reasons Ends and potentially get
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you to a place where you can have a healthy sex life and
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where your wife can learn that you being aroused, is a positive
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thing for her for the marriage for you.
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And not something to be scared of that it, you are still the
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same person and that you still can be trusted when you are
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experiencing sexual arousal or when you are Desiring her.
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And that it is not two mutually exclusive things for you to love
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her as a person. And also to desire her sexually
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because many women who have had These experiences believe that,
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in fact, they are very separate things.
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And that, if you love her as a person, then you would never
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want to do these bad things to her.
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And she feels out on a very visceral, deep level, and and
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therapy can help get at that. And really kind of challenge
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these beliefs in a way that just talking to her and listening to
16:42
this podcast. May not be able to.
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So if this resonates with you, then please do discuss it with
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your partner and bring it up in a more honest and open way.
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Like I noticed that It's not just that you don't like having
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sex with me. It's like this really bad
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reaction and I kind of wonder sometimes what happened or if
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there's anything bad that happened to you.
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And if there is any way that we could potentially work on this,
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so I think that we ought to go to council it, you know, and we
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should work on it because it's not getting any better.
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And in fact, every time we have sex seems to retrigger you and
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re-traumatize you. And that's not what I want to
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do. And that's not what I want our
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life to look like because I love you, so that would be a way to
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approach it, right? So, I hope that this podcast
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added value. If you are in this situation,
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there are people who have little bits of this situation because
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everything is along a spectrum. It isn't either that your wife
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suffered, horrible, sexual trauma or but everything's cool.
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Like, sometimes people just learn little bits of negative
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thoughts about men and sex, that preclude them from fully
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experiencing desire in an unfettered and healthy way,
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right? So everything is along a
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spectrum. So, Fortunately more people will
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get something out of this podcast, then I wish because
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this will be more relevant relevant for more people in the
18:01
world than I wish. It had to be relevant for.
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Anyway, I do hope that you enjoyed this.
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Please do subscribe and I will talk to everybody soon.