Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / Friday feature - triggers in our relationships

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Friday feature - triggers in our relationships · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Appogiae production. I think triggers is a really cool conversation
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  Speaker 1: to have around relationships, because no matter who you're with,
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  Speaker 1: you're going to get triggered about something. And there's obviously
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  Speaker 1: a lot of unpack as to where those triggers have
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  Speaker 1: come from. So maybe I'll start off with my biggest trigger,
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  Speaker 1: where it came from, and how it's affected Steve and
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  Speaker 1: I and the hardship we've had to go through to
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  Speaker 1: work through it. Okay, so my biggest trigger is alcohol.
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  Speaker 1: It's no news to anyone that I'm not a drinker.
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  Speaker 1: I don't like alcohol. I really don't see any positives
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  Speaker 1: in it. I've only ever had traumatic events and not
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  Speaker 1: nice times with alcohol. I find it very disconnecting. I
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  Speaker 1: find it very bad for the health. I don't feel
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  Speaker 1: good on it. I don't like being around people that
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  Speaker 1: are really intoxicated. I don't know when people have like
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  Speaker 1: a drinker too, When people get drunk, I'm like, ooh,
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  Speaker 1: it's just not my vibe and energy I like to
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  Speaker 1: be around. But growing up, my stepfather was a massive
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  Speaker 1: alcoholic and he was very abusive. My mum was also
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  Speaker 1: quite a heavy drinker. I think just to like numb
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  Speaker 1: out and just try and survive and get through each night,
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  Speaker 1: use it to relax whatever. That my Yeah, my stepdad
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  Speaker 1: was super abusive, Like I just remember him throwing things
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  Speaker 1: and hitting us and just yelling all the time, and
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  Speaker 1: it just was not a good time. It was like
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  Speaker 1: that sober, but then drinking was like a whole new level.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: And then like a lot of my high school girlfriends
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  Speaker 1: were very big drinkers, and I was always one looking
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  Speaker 1: after them and like holding their hair back. And I
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  Speaker 1: know that, like people think that's normal and that's like
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  Speaker 1: what happens when you're younger, but I don't know. I
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  Speaker 1: just found that really hard to watch my friends just
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  Speaker 1: get so wasted. Yeah, And I just felt like they
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  Speaker 1: had no love for themselves and for their bodies. It
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  Speaker 1: just wasn't something I went down. So when I went
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  Speaker 1: with Steve, I definitely like went out and drank and
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  Speaker 1: stuff and got drunk whatever. I'm not saying I've never drank,
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  Speaker 1: Like plenty of times I've been drunk or whatever. But
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  Speaker 1: with him, for the first couple of years, it was
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  Speaker 1: kind of fun. Like we were young, went out clubbing,
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  Speaker 1: had our fun, blah blah blah, went to festivals, all
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  Speaker 1: the time. It was cool. But then as I got
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  Speaker 1: a bit older and got a bit more connected to myself,
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  Speaker 1: and then just saw how we were both showing up
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  Speaker 1: when we were not only drinking but hungover, and like
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  Speaker 1: the weeks following. It wasn't just that day, You're in
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: a lower state for the week, Like we weren't showing
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  Speaker 1: up being the best versions of ourselves. I just found
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  Speaker 1: like each time we were drinking, we would be fighting
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  Speaker 1: yeah okay, over like something small, something big, and it
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  Speaker 1: would just like ruin the whole week. Yeah, And I
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  Speaker 1: don't think we had the tools to kind of work
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  Speaker 1: through it and move through it quick either, So it
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  Speaker 1: was always like a long, dragged out thing.
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  Speaker 3: Ye.
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  Speaker 1: And Steve has never had like an addiction to alcohol whatever,
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  Speaker 1: but for him it was the complete opposite growing up,
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  Speaker 1: He's only had positive experience with the alcohol. It was
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  Speaker 1: always fun for him. Yeah, there was never any trauma.
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  Speaker 1: There's never any fights with ex girlfriends. It was always
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  Speaker 1: just like fun and how he connects with the boys,
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  Speaker 1: And in Australian culture that's very common, like men connect
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  Speaker 1: through drinking and and like hanging out. Yeah, when I
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  Speaker 1: was really like, I don't like drinking. I don't like
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  Speaker 1: you drinking. I don't like how we are we're together
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  Speaker 1: and drinking. There was quite a bit of resistance, and
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  Speaker 1: then over the years it just got more and more
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  Speaker 1: that I just really didn't want to be around alcohol
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  Speaker 1: when I'm sober and he's drinking. He's not even bad
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  Speaker 1: when he drinks. He's not rude, he's not aggressive, he's
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  Speaker 1: not anything bad quote unquote, but he's just not Steve.
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  Speaker 2: And isn't it hard?
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  Speaker 3: Because for him it's like this fun, yeah thing that
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  Speaker 3: really enjoys, so he can let his hand out.
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  Speaker 1: And for you, it's just like traumatizing.
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  Speaker 3: It brings you back to the worst time of your life,
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  Speaker 3: and for him it's like reliving the best times in
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  Speaker 3: his life.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. So it's like there's so much to unpack there,
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  Speaker 1: and we've had so much like cool therapy on our
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  Speaker 1: own and separately and together. And you know, for me,
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  Speaker 1: I knew that a lot of this was my own triggers.
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  Speaker 1: But I also knew that as I've gotten older, like
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  Speaker 1: I really don't like being around alcohol, and that's okay,
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  Speaker 1: it is, and that's what I value. And you know,
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  Speaker 1: over the last couple of years, he's really realized he
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  Speaker 1: doesn't value it either. And all the things that he
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  Speaker 1: values in life energy, sleep, love and connection, me feeling safe,
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  Speaker 1: my nervous system, being a really good dad, having energy,
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  Speaker 1: looking after his body, like, that's what things he values
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  Speaker 1: and alcohol doesn't match that. So for the last like
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  Speaker 1: year and a half, he's probably drank and I'm being
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  Speaker 1: drank by having like two drinks maybe like three or
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  Speaker 1: four times. Yeah, because it's really not a part of
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  Speaker 1: his life anymore, and it is hard for him, I think,
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  Speaker 1: because like obviously boys do connect with drinking, a lot
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  Speaker 1: of men do, and he doesn't really go out and
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  Speaker 1: do that stuff anymore. But it's brought us so much
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  Speaker 1: more closer and so much more connected, and it's been
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  Speaker 1: really healing for me also to have the safe space
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  Speaker 1: to unpack that trigger from my childhood and from what
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  Speaker 1: comes up for me because he's holding it there and
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  Speaker 1: he's there with me through it. Yep.
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  Speaker 2: So how's Steve going with his friendships?
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  Speaker 3: Because I feel like so when Kurt was boxing, he
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  Speaker 3: stopped drinking for like six months to a year, and
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  Speaker 3: he said it really highlighted to his.
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  Speaker 2: True friends work because a lot of his friends just
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  Speaker 2: want to.
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  Speaker 3: Go out and get shit faced, Like, has Steve noticed
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  Speaker 3: a bit of a shift with that look?
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  Speaker 1: He always says like he still loves his friends whatever,
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  Speaker 1: but there isn't a lot of common ground. Yeah, So
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  Speaker 1: whether they don't have kids or whether they do just
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  Speaker 1: like to go out and continue drinking. Like, there's just
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  Speaker 1: a lot of common ground, and he is good. It's
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  Speaker 1: just like to be honest, like, even if they weren't drinking,
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  Speaker 1: I was gonna be bit home with my family on
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  Speaker 1: the weekend.
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  Speaker 2: Oh that's nice because I'm just a homebody.
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  Speaker 1: Like, because I'm always encouraging him, like go out and
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  Speaker 1: see your friends doing something, but he's like, actually want
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  Speaker 1: to be here with you guys. So it's been really
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  Speaker 1: nice journey for us. But there's definitely been some really
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  Speaker 1: hard times where I've been super triggered and Steve's been
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  Speaker 1: drinking more than what feels nice to me, and we've
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  Speaker 1: had to work through that and really talk about things
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  Speaker 1: and go through some hard times. But like anything, I'm
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  Speaker 1: just so grateful for it because every time there's a
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  Speaker 1: hard time, like you know, whether we got help professionally
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  Speaker 1: or we work through it together, it just makes us
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  Speaker 1: so much stronger. Yeah, and I come out feeling so
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  Speaker 1: much more connected and heard and safe and just like
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  Speaker 1: more in love with him.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, which is really cool.
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  Speaker 1: Nice. So, but yeah, that was definitely my biggest trigger.
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  Speaker 1: And I think because I didn't heal it with my
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  Speaker 1: stepdad that's why it showed up on this relationship too.
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  Speaker 1: It's like that, you know, life keeps teaching you the
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  Speaker 1: same lessons until you heal it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeap, Like, well, isn't it funny one of my like, well,
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  Speaker 3: my biggest trigger is also the same sort of thing,
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  Speaker 3: Like it all stems from something.
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  Speaker 1: Of course I can experience. Hey, totally don't heal it.
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  Speaker 1: It's just going to keep showing up in two ways.
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  Speaker 1: And say, like say if I was to break up
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  Speaker 1: with Steve because you know, we were fighting and drinking whatever,
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  Speaker 1: If I didn't heal that, the next person the same,
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  Speaker 1: she's going to come up in a different way, you
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  Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like, it's the responsibility to heal that,
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  Speaker 1: and you can still communicate what you want and what
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: you don't want, Like I wouldn't be with someone now
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  Speaker 1: if they were a heavy drinker, if that was Steve
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  Speaker 1: or someone else. And I've said that him as well,
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  Speaker 1: Like if you ever wanted to go back into being
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  Speaker 1: a heavy drinker. I don't judge you for it, like,
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  Speaker 1: go live your life, but it's just not how I.
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  Speaker 2: Want to live.
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  Speaker 1: So we're not aligned anymore. But you know, having those conversations.
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  Speaker 2: Holding your boundaries. You can still have some drinks, you
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  Speaker 2: can still do a thing, but I just don't want someone.
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  Speaker 1: But it made him go, yeah, oh shit, okay, what
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  Speaker 1: do I actually value? Is this even aligned with me?
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  Speaker 1: And he's like, fuck, I actually don't want to do
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  Speaker 1: it anymore. But yeah, for years it was great experience
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  Speaker 1: and fun whatever. That's probably my biggest trigger and lowest
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  Speaker 1: times have come from alcohol.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so my biggest trigger would be trust. Oh okay,
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  Speaker 2: so growing.
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  Speaker 3: Up I feel like probably my trust was broken a lot.
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  Speaker 3: I feel like there's a lot of empty promises. Definitely
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  Speaker 3: our biggest fight. So say, for example, if we went
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  Speaker 3: out one night and I said to like, oh, babe,
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  Speaker 3: how many beers if you had? When I came home
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  Speaker 3: and he told me had too, but he'd actually had six.
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  Speaker 1: When a man says three beers, it's like actually six,
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  Speaker 1: it's like double.
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  Speaker 3: That's undehiny little perspective, and that's this still to this day,
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  Speaker 3: trust is such a huge value for me, so huge
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  Speaker 3: and at the start, so Kurt says to me, now,
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  Speaker 3: he's like, I wish all those years ago, I just
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  Speaker 3: knew well that she was tell the truth.
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  Speaker 2: He goes, I was worried. I was scared that you
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  Speaker 2: were gone. He's like, now I can tell you anything
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  Speaker 2: and he knows he won't get in trouble.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I might not agree with it, but it's not going
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  Speaker 2: to be.
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  Speaker 1: But if you're upset for that moment, totally, it's like,
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  Speaker 1: let me be grumpy for that day and then but
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  Speaker 1: if you lie to me, it's like then it's.
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  Speaker 2: The chance is the trust is so massive.
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  Speaker 3: So yeah, back in the day, it was kind of
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  Speaker 3: like that, like him just lying to me about like
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: nights out with the boys and stuff like that, which
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  Speaker 3: we were so young.
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  Speaker 2: We've been together since we were so young. That's gonna happen.
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  Speaker 3: But I feel like our lowest points have been around trust.
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  Speaker 3: I feel like that is such a huge trigger for me.
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  Speaker 3: I feel like when we were younger, we went through
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  Speaker 3: a phase where I was very codependent on him, and
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  Speaker 3: I feel like that's when the trust was being broken
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  Speaker 3: because I was nearly like coming across needy.
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  Speaker 1: This was years ago and controlling of.
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: Most yeah, and then what happened was complete one eighty.
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: I feel like, not even that long ago, probably like
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  Speaker 3: five years ago, Kurt kind of became really needy on me,
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: like maybe when we I don't know why. I think
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  Speaker 3: once I became a mum, I just got really like
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  Speaker 3: independent and I felt so much I.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: Don't know, I just felt so much more confidence, so.
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  Speaker 3: Much more sure of myself, and I think he was just,
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: oh my gosh, so he kind of twisted and he
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  Speaker 3: became the one who was more.
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  Speaker 2: Before that, we were fine, like we worked through it.
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  Speaker 3: But then and I feel like when somebody is more
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: codependent on the other, I feel like it's just a
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  Speaker 3: really yucky space to be in.
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  Speaker 2: I really don't like it.
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  Speaker 3: I don't like when I've ever felt needy to Kurt,
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  Speaker 3: and I hate when he feels hate strong word I hate.
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  Speaker 3: But I really dislike when he is needy to me
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  Speaker 3: as well. I really don't like that feeling at all.
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: I feel like, again it's not having trust, it's going
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: back to that same thing though probably when I think
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  Speaker 3: about it, you know, in.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: Not having your own back and confidence and independence is
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: like really attractive.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: Yes, it is sexy.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: It is sexy.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: Masculine independence, Yeah.
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: That's when it flipped, Like I know, so I feel
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  Speaker 3: like that's something we've had to work on. I feel like,
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: you know, depending on what situation you're in, even just
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: like with your masculine and feminine energy.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, isn't that so important. There's something that I feel
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: like only in the last couple of years people are
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: really talking about it. I know. It's been a huge
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: thing that I've loved learning about and learning about myself,
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: learning about Steve and how the polarity when it comes together.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: Very controversial topic though, have you noticed.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: A little bit, Yeah, get very offended. But I never like,
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: I'm never putting down the feminine or the masculine. No,
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  Speaker 1: both of us carry both energies, and it's really important
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  Speaker 1: to honor both. But at your core, you are more
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: than one the other. So when you're leaning more to
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: the opposite, you don't feel as good. Like I'm feminine
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: at my core, but I feel like parenting and running
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: a business and dealing with finances, having deadlines like that,
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: it's very masculine, get shit done kind of energy, and
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: I love that about myself wouldn't be doing what I
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: am without it, that beautiful, feminine, flowy soft like I
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: love that and Steve loves that, and it does bring
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: that polarity together and it kind of lights you up
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  Speaker 1: and brings us spark back in.
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  Speaker 2: And it takes both people.
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  Speaker 3: If one starts to become more feminine, then the other
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: one becomes more masculine one.
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  Speaker 2: That's what we find so like.
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  Speaker 3: It's such a balancing act because if one's starting to
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: act more one way, it just makes it worse.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: It highlights it.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: Yes, so agree with that.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: It's so good to learn about it, though, isn't it
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: so interesting