Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 250. Flashback Friday - Letting Go of Sexual Shame and Finding More Pleasure

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250. Flashback Friday - Letting Go of Sexual Shame and Finding More Pleasure · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the shep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashley
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment.
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  Speaker 2: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most
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  Speaker 2: authentic version of yourself.
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  Speaker 1: We'd help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
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  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
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  Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
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  Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self Lillie, I
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: wanted to ask, what would you say to somebody who
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  Speaker 2: has sexual shame, who maybe isn't familiar with self pleasure
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  Speaker 2: or wants to explore new things with their partner, but
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  Speaker 2: they're feeling like that resistance, You know that resistance when
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  Speaker 2: you go to self pleasure and you're like, Oh, I
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  Speaker 2: don't have the time, or I shouldn't be doing this,
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  Speaker 2: I shouldn't be touching myself like this. Like, what would
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  Speaker 2: you say to a woman who wanted to go from
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  Speaker 2: that to openly feeling safe with self pleasure or even
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  Speaker 2: with their partner. How would you essentially get them from
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  Speaker 2: A to B?
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  Speaker 3: I think the first thing that I would recommend is
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  Speaker 3: to start engage with some sex positive content, follow some
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  Speaker 3: sexologists or sex educators on Instagram, sign up to some newsletters,
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  Speaker 3: listen to some podcasts like this one, take a couple
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: of online courses. There's lots of fantastic free resources out
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  Speaker 3: there about sex education nowadays. I think that is a
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  Speaker 3: really foundational first step, because most of us get absolutely terrible,
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  Speaker 3: if not downright harmful sex education throughout our school, and
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  Speaker 3: then what we don't learn in school is kind of
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  Speaker 3: crowdsourced from external parties, whether that's our parents, our friends,
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  Speaker 3: our religious or cultural background, what we see in movies, TV,
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  Speaker 3: pop culture, pornography. None of these are really great examples
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  Speaker 3: for learning about sex. So I think find some really
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  Speaker 3: great comprehensive sex education resources, Start following some pleasure positive
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  Speaker 3: accounts on Instagram and build your appetite for that. Start
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  Speaker 3: getting curious, particularly when you've got sexual shame and trauma.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: Anytime we're working with sexual shame or sexual trauma, we
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  Speaker 3: need to work in a really slow, ti traded way, right,
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  Speaker 3: So just drip feeding it a little bit here and there,
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  Speaker 3: rather than just going balls to the walls with it,
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  Speaker 3: which can be super overwhelming and can be quite triggering
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  Speaker 3: as well, which we want to avoid. So get out there,
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  Speaker 3: start reading some books. I've got a list of resources
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  Speaker 3: on my website that I can send you the link to.
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  Speaker 3: That's a really great starting point. Outside of that, I
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  Speaker 3: would start with some mirror work and getting comfortable with
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  Speaker 3: being naked. So what naked time can you have with yourself?
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  Speaker 3: Maybe it's taking some time after your shower to really
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  Speaker 3: spend some time enjoying the feeling as you moisturize or
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  Speaker 3: apply some body oil to yourself, really enjoying that sensation
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  Speaker 3: and watching yourself do that in the mirror. Can you
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  Speaker 3: sleep naked? Can you have a naked TV mate once
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  Speaker 3: a week? Something like that to build your confidence with
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  Speaker 3: being naked, because that's something that I find holds a
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  Speaker 3: lot of women back from masturbation and from having really uninhibited,
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  Speaker 3: partnered sex's well as how they feel about their bodies.
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  Speaker 3: So building your own body confidence is really amazing. And
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  Speaker 3: just on the note of body confidence, because I think
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  Speaker 3: it's always worth mentioning this is a hill I will
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  Speaker 3: die on. Have a look at some volver diversity resources
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  Speaker 3: like Flip through My Flaps by Comfortable in My Skin
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  Speaker 3: at the LaBier Library, the vulv gallery, get online and
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  Speaker 3: have a look at different genitals in the media, we
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  Speaker 3: have such a narrow representation of female genitalia and that
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  Speaker 3: leads many many women to think, oh, well, mine doesn't
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  Speaker 3: look like that, so it must be gross or disgusting
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  Speaker 3: or there's something wrong with me, and that's not the case.
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  Speaker 3: Our genitals are as diverse as our faces. We just
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  Speaker 3: don't see them. And in fact, in Australia, there's actually
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  Speaker 3: laws around what media can show as far as female genitalia.
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  Speaker 3: So for example, on magazine covers, the external vulva has
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  Speaker 3: to be airbrushed into one neat crease. There can be
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  Speaker 3: no external labia visible, or clitteress visible, nothing like that,
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  Speaker 3: which is horrific because through that process and through that law,
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  Speaker 3: we are limiting the diversity and representation of bodies that
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  Speaker 3: we can see. So get out there, have a look
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  Speaker 3: at some diverse representations of bodies, and if you're feeling brave,
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  Speaker 3: get naked with your friends, go for a skinny dip
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  Speaker 3: with your friends, sunbake naked with them, anything that can
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  Speaker 3: begin to get you comfortable with being in your own skin.
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  Speaker 1: I love that mirror work definitely helped me with that.
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  Speaker 1: And I've never really enjoyed porn, but when I started
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  Speaker 1: to read Colleen Hoover books. They really got me going.
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  Speaker 1: And then I had to go and recommend podcasts that
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  Speaker 1: read erotic stories to you. I love it.
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  Speaker 3: And I think that could be that you're doing the
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  Speaker 3: dishes or cleaning the house to pop your headphones on
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  Speaker 3: and listen to some snut instantly right the other day.
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  Speaker 1: Right, And I feel like it's a nice bridge if
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  Speaker 1: you're not quite ready to do the mirror work and
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  Speaker 1: like really look at your body. Like I understand that
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  Speaker 1: can be a bit of a process. Reading books or
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  Speaker 1: having erotica read to you. I think it's a really
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  Speaker 1: nice bridge to just get you relaxed and listen to
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  Speaker 1: someone else's voice. It gets you out of your head,
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  Speaker 1: of your to do list or this is wrong. It
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  Speaker 1: just like gets you really into it. I think it's
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  Speaker 1: a really nice bridge to start. Maybe not for everyone,
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  Speaker 1: but I know that really helped me in it. Now
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  Speaker 1: it's just another thing for variety. It's like I don't
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  Speaker 1: do it all the time, but every now and again,
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  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I listened to that podcast, and it's like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: I'll get to hear the story about it. Pilot and
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  Speaker 1: a flight attendant and like it's fun. It's like a
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  Speaker 1: movie almost, but it's being read to you.
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  Speaker 2: Your voice messaged me. She'd be like, oh my god,
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  Speaker 2: just listen to you.
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  Speaker 3: Need to listen to it so good. I love that. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: I love erotica so much. I am a total smut slut.
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  Speaker 3: I started a smutlu smut Sluts with my friend Eleanor Hadley,
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  Speaker 3: who's another smut enthusiast. And from an education perspective, there
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  Speaker 3: is so much value in smut and erotica outside of
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  Speaker 3: just simply deriving pleasure from it, which is a good
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  Speaker 3: enough reason to engage with it full stop. But I
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  Speaker 3: think reading it and engage with erotic or or listening
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  Speaker 3: to it is also a really great way to begin
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  Speaker 3: to learn what turns you on, right, because you're getting
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  Speaker 3: exposed to things that maybe you haven't heard of before.
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  Speaker 3: So now you're getting to try them, and you're getting
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  Speaker 3: to see yourself in that story of like maybe I'd
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  Speaker 3: like to be the main character in that scene.
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  Speaker 1: Wow, that is so true, because like if you listen
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  Speaker 1: to like I've listened to ones on, threesomes on orgies,
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  Speaker 1: on on an aeroplane with a strange at the workplace
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  Speaker 1: and it's like you really do, Like if you're really
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  Speaker 1: turned on, it's like, oh, maybe that's something I want
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  Speaker 1: to try, or maybe it's just even if you don't
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  Speaker 1: want to actually act out, we talk about this all
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  Speaker 1: the time. There's fantasy that we were, Like we talk
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  Speaker 1: about being with women. It's like we're not sure if
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  Speaker 1: we actually want to do it, but even the idea
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  Speaker 1: about it, being able to talk about it, it's fun
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  Speaker 1: and exciting.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, if you.
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  Speaker 1: Really get to know yourself and what does turn you
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  Speaker 1: on and you can.
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  Speaker 2: Just play around with that, that's such a beautiful thing
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  Speaker 2: actually to recognize that, because you would be reading or
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  Speaker 2: hearing and having it being read to you and then
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  Speaker 2: notice the sensations in your body. Yeah, and then get
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  Speaker 2: to connect with your body through what you're experiencing and
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  Speaker 2: what you're reading.
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  Speaker 1: And once again, if someone else is doing it's like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: it's not so shameful. Other people like this too. It
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  Speaker 1: normalizes and dissolves that shame. I liked the point that
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  Speaker 1: you said before as well.
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  Speaker 2: Around it gets you out of your head because it's
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  Speaker 2: kind of like when you watch a movie, right, all
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  Speaker 2: of your senses are zoomed in on that one thing.
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  Speaker 2: Like you're not really noticing what's happening around you. So
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  Speaker 2: it's like when you're being read that you're softening out
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  Speaker 2: from your head dropping into your body because you're listening,
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  Speaker 2: you're consumed by your senses and what's happening in your
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  Speaker 2: body whilst you're being read this story.
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  Speaker 3: It's a really good entry way in.
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  Speaker 1: And there was things that I would think I have
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  Speaker 1: judged in the past, different scenarios or different choices people
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  Speaker 1: make around sex, and then I've been turned on by
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  Speaker 1: listening to something. I'm like, oh, hang on, okay, no,
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  Speaker 1: I can see that I just projected a judgment because
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  Speaker 1: I along the way thought that was wrong or dirty
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  Speaker 1: or slutty or bad. And I'm like, actually, no, I'm
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  Speaker 1: not that big a deal. Like that's cool, that's hot,
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  Speaker 1: that's so cool.
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  Speaker 3: I like that story.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, five stars. Yeah, that's really mean to that.
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  Speaker 3: And another great benefit that I see in smart and
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  Speaker 3: erotica is particularly we've got fantasies or there's certain sexual
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  Speaker 3: experiences that we want to try for the first time.
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  Speaker 3: If you were to come to a sexologist or read
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  Speaker 3: sex resources online about how to play out that fantasy,
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  Speaker 3: that's all well and good. But I think there's so
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  Speaker 3: much value in Smart and Erotica because it literally lays
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  Speaker 3: out the scene play by play right, and it can
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  Speaker 3: give you so much inspiration of like, ooh, I could
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  Speaker 3: say that I could move in that way, you know,
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  Speaker 3: because it can be so hard to think. All right,
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  Speaker 3: so this is what we've agreed on for this role play,
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  Speaker 3: But how do I actually bring that to life? So
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  Speaker 3: it can be a really incredible resource to see it
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  Speaker 3: coming together in that way.
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  Speaker 2: I'm just realizing this in this conversation is that it's
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  Speaker 2: almost like an invitation because when you're reading something, you
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  Speaker 2: can leave what doesn't resonate and take what does. Whereas
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  Speaker 2: not demonizing like porn or anything like that, but when
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  Speaker 2: you watch porn is almost like an expectation of, like, oh,
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  Speaker 2: I should behave in the way that they're behaving, Whereas
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  Speaker 2: when you're reading Smart, you take yourself on the journey
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  Speaker 2: based on your own imagination, So you're creating the story
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  Speaker 2: how you believe that it would be, based on what
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  Speaker 2: they're giving you, and then you can make up your
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  Speaker 2: own entire scene.
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  Speaker 1: So true, I've got one more question for you, though,
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  Speaker 1: and I feel like it's been a conversation amongst my
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  Speaker 1: girlfriends for many years. I see it in forums all
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  Speaker 1: the time, and it's like, is it true that? Is
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  Speaker 1: it one in eight or only? I don't know, a
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  Speaker 1: very small percentage of us can come from G spot.
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  Speaker 1: Most of us can only come through clitteral stimulation. Is
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  Speaker 1: this fact? Can we all do it? If so, how
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  Speaker 1: do we do it? Is there certain toys we can
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: get from bush? Or give us the T all?
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  Speaker 3: Right, here's the T and again a little bit of
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  Speaker 3: mythbat stinge. So the G spot isn't actually one standalone spot.
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  Speaker 3: It is actually part of the entire clitter urethra or
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  Speaker 3: vaginal complex or the CUV for sure. Okay, such a mouthful.
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  Speaker 3: Your G spot is part of your entire clitteral network. Right,
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  Speaker 3: Your clitterist is not just a small beam like structure
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  Speaker 3: that you see on the outside right flicking the bean.
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  Speaker 3: You know, it is so much bigger than that. It
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  Speaker 3: extends into your body, wraps around your vaginal canal, and
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  Speaker 3: the G spot is part of the clitterical network. So
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  Speaker 3: when people are speaking about not having experienced a G
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  Speaker 3: spot orgasm, everybody's body is different and responds differently. But
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  Speaker 3: I think with the right combination of stimulation and the
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  Speaker 3: right tools and techniques, a lot of people can experience
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  Speaker 3: that sort of deep pleasure. And what I would encourage
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  Speaker 3: people to do is to park the idea of wanting
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  Speaker 3: to experience this clitteral orgasm or a vaginal or a
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  Speaker 3: g spot orgasm right, because I think when we get
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  Speaker 3: so focused on having an orgasm as our end goal,
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: we get tunnel vision right, And as we were discussing
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: at the beginning of this conversation, we forget about the
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: whole journey. If we're just thinking, yeah, I want to come,
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: I want to come, I want to come, we're not
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  Speaker 3: open and we haven't surrendered to this sexual experience and
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  Speaker 3: what is unfolding moment by moment before us. So I'm
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  Speaker 3: not saying don't have orgasms or don't think about them.
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  Speaker 3: That's not it. But just take a bit of the
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  Speaker 3: pressure off and take a bit of a focus off.
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  Speaker 3: Because the thing about orgasms is the more you think
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: about them, and the more you focus on them, the
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  Speaker 3: more elusive they become. It's very frustrating. The more we
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  Speaker 3: can do to actually drop into our bodies and to
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  Speaker 3: feel and to dial that up and to be more present,
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  Speaker 3: the more pleasure we're going to experience when it comes
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  Speaker 3: to G spot stimulation. So if you were to use
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  Speaker 3: your fingers, you would insert your fingers about to the
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  Speaker 3: second knuckle and then curve them up towards your belly,
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  Speaker 3: and when you're super turned on, your G spot will
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  Speaker 3: feel like kind of ridgy, like the roof of your mouth,
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  Speaker 3: and when you're super turned on, it'll feel a bit puffier,
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  Speaker 3: more like the inside of your cheek if you would
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: to run your tongue along the inside of your cheek.
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: We want to be as turned on as possible. For
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: most people with Evolver, it takes between twenty to forty
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  Speaker 3: minutes for full physiological arousal to happen, and so this
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: means you're getting as turned on as possible. All of
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  Speaker 3: that blood flow and a rectile tissue in your genitals
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: is engaging. You are dropping deeper into the feeling. There's
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: so many things that happening physiologically that we need to
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: allow time for to unfold, because otherwise we're not going
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: to be able to experience as much pleasure as possible,
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: and so get us turned on as possible. Toys that
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: I would recommend, there's a couple from Bush that I
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: really really love. There is a helix design gyrating vibrator.
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: It's kind of shaped like a DNA helix that twists
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: around and the tip of it moves and gyrates in
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  Speaker 3: a few different ways, and so that can be really
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: amazing for G spot stimulation. And the same as a
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: rabbit vibrator. So an internal arm that goes inside your
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: vagina and then an arm that stimulates your glitterus. That
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: one is another great one from Bush. The arm it's internal,
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: actually moves like this, so it oscillates and stimulates your
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: G spot and more of a focus on what pleasure
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: can I derive from this part of my body, what
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: stimulation feels best for me. Some people thrive on G
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  Speaker 3: spot stimulation and that is what they're chasing during most
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: sexual experiences. Other people can find it a bit too intense.
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: It's really important to experiment and get to know your body,
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: how your body responds, and what feels good for you.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: You mentioned something earlier before around like women holding their breath,
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  Speaker 2: Like how important would you deem breathing when it comes
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: to being able to reach orgasm? But not just focusing
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: on the end goal, focusing on the journey and what
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: kind of techniques would you recommend, like anybody listening to
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  Speaker 2: kind of get to that place of getting out of
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: your head and dropping into your body.
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: Breath is critically important for our sexual experiences. It is
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  Speaker 3: erotic pump. It is a way that we are able
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: to upregulate, so either increase our arousal or downregulate, so
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: decrease or keep our arousal plateauing. Most people have a
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: pattern of holding their breath during sex and masturbation, particularly
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: as they're approaching orgasm. Right, you stop moving, start holding
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: your breath, You're like.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm nearly there.
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: Next time you approach orgasm, slow deep breaths into your belly.
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  Speaker 3: It might take you a bit longer to orgasm, but
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: I dare say it will be so much more powerful.
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  Speaker 3: Circulates the sexual energy, the sensations that we're feeling, the
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: arousal throughout our entire body, right, rather than just having
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: a localized genital response. So two breathwork techniques that you
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: can use if you want to increase your arousal, whether
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: during masturbation or partnered sex. Imagine you are drinking through
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: a straw, so percy lips like you're about to drink
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: through a straw, and it's a quick in out breath
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: like this, just like that, and we're not forcing the
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: exhale out, we're not pushing it out really hard. We're
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: just letting it naturally fall out after that quick inhalation.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: So that's a really incredible one to build more arousal.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: And we can also combine that with some movement as well,
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: So like some pelvic tilts for your pubic bone and
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: imagine that rocking back and forth and just sync your
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: breath with that, and that movement is a really great
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: arousal booster as well when it comes to down regulation.
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  Speaker 3: So say if you are moving close to orgasm, but
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: you don't want to orgasm just yet, or you want
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: to just let them sensation circulate through your body, which
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: can make an orgasmic experience. Right, we're riding these orgasmic
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: waves rather than having one short, sharp orgasm. So deepen
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: the breath right into the belly. So we want the
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: exhale to be one or two counts longer than the inhale.
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: Inhale for three and exhale for five out the mouth.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: Exhaling out your mouth is a really important part of
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: that process, particularly for down regulation, because when we lengthen
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: our exhale longer than our inhale and exhale throughout our mouth,
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: it signals to our parasympathetic nervous system, so our rest
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: and digest function of our nervous system. Oh it's safe.
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: I can relax. And this is what we need during
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: sex and pleasure, particularly for women. We need a higher
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: level of emotional safety in order to be able to
• 15:53
  Speaker 3: let go and explore the depths of our pleasure and
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: have those toecuraling orgasms that we're all so hungry for.
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: Oh so pick