Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Should Your Husband "Be Happy With What He Gets" In Bed?

Transcript

Should Your Husband "Be Happy With What He Gets" In Bed? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom show.
• 0:08
  Today I'm going to be talking about something that some women
• 0:11
  say, which is that the guy should just be happy with what
• 0:14
  he gets in bed. And we'll talk about the origin
• 0:17
  of this and why it's stupid and, you know, whatever, after I tell
• 0:25
  you to subscribe because I have 150 subscriber episodes and
• 0:29
  they're all awesome. One of them talks about oral sex
• 0:32
  on women, and then there's 149 others that you'll care about
• 0:35
  less if you're a woman. That one is actually pretty
• 0:38
  good, too, because it stops him from thinking he's like some
• 0:41
  kind of sex God just because he wants to do that for two seconds
• 0:44
  or for like 45 minutes in the wrong way or whatever.
• 0:48
  But there's also many, many other good episodes, so I am
• 0:51
  kidding. Of course I don't only talk
• 0:54
  about that because that would be, like, super boring.
• 0:59
  OK, so point being, a lot of women say, and men tell me that.
• 1:03
  The women say that because they have a low sex drive, the man
• 1:07
  should be happy with what they get, right?
• 1:09
  So this at first is like, sounds like an extension of what I say.
• 1:13
  No free lunch, right? Nothing could be perfect.
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  Like, your life is not supposed to be a bunch of fucking
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  unicorns frolicking in a Meadow. It's just not.
• 1:20
  But then when you like, they go a little bit closer.
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  You're like, all right, he should be happy with what he
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  gets. All right, cool.
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  You know, you get what you get and you don't get upset.
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  You know, like in the book Ladybug Girl Color.
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  A picture book that I used to read to my children makes a lot
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  of sense. You get what you get, You don't
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  get upset. Is a good way to live, right?
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  Because then you're not an entitled asshole.
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  But what is the guy getting? Well, he's getting, you know,
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  her laying there sometimes saying are you done yet?
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  Sometimes saying just stick it in for a few minutes.
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  I can't deal. I'm tired.
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  Just like literally like these like kind of like tragic
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  scenarios where like he's supposed to like kind of get
• 2:02
  himself ready, like basically become a necrophiliac for 5
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  minutes and then and then insult to injury, he's supposed to be
• 2:09
  happy. You're supposed to be happy with
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  what you get. Now that's crazy, right?
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  I mean, I could say, and I do say to my kids, you get what you
• 2:17
  get for dinner. I make one dinner, right?
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  But then I don't try to make dinner.
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  Shit, you know, I mean like, like you don't like, OK, I try
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  to make a good dinner. You know, like, so it's it's
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  not. And of course they do have two
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  other meals where they do have some more say in what they in
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  what they eat, right, The guy. It's like as though you say you
• 2:37
  get what you get for dinner to your kids, then you make them
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  like a piece of bread and water, like jail rations like that
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  you're not going to be happy with.
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  So it's kind of a crazy making scenario or I could see not
• 2:50
  reading your kid 20 books before bedtime, you know.
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  But what if you said, I'm not going to read you any books, I'm
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  just going to read you this sentence every night?
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  We're going to read another sentence of this book.
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  And maybe by the time, you know you graduate college, we'll
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  finish this book. That is not normal, right?
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  That's not usual. So if you're going to tell
• 3:06
  somebody that they should be happy with what they get, you
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  should be trying to make them to make it good.
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  And so then of course the woman says, but I'm not in the mood,
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  and so isn't this better than nothing?
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  No, it isn't, honestly, because it's basically a sexless
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  marriage where he gets to masturbate into your body.
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  That is still a sexless marriage, kind of because it has
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  no intimacy. So the word, you know, as I've
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  taught you over and over the way that people with a physical
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  touch love language, which is most men and many women too, but
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  not as many as men, feel that they're married or feel like
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  they're in love or feel like this is a romantic marriage
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  versus roommate, is intimacy physical and emotional intimacy.
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  There's no way to be intimate with somebody that is basically
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  saying just use my body for a few minutes, you pervert.
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  And then we could be done with this operation that is not sex.
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  That isn't. It is.
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  It is. I guess it is consensual, but it
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  is not really. It's.
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  It is. I mean, it's certainly legally
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  consensual, but, you know, it's not this is the letter of the
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  law, not the spirit of the law. Times a million, right?
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  So if you. But but what about on the other
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  side of the spectrum, there are women, many women, most women
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  within monogamy. There's sex drive drops, right?
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  But they can get aroused, right? And I talk about this as
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  responsive desire. I certainly didn't make that up,
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  but it is known as responsive desire, as contrasted with
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  spontaneous arousal when you are quote horny, right?
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  That doesn't happen to many women except when they're
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  ovulating. I had a little podcast come out.
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  There is a remember, there's a honeymoon stage every month that
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  talks about how women feel during the drunken days of pre
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  and ovulation, ovulation and right before ovulation.
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  That's a paid podcast. Came out today, the day that I'm
• 4:59
  recording this podcast, so look forward on.
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  It was the January 21st episode, so go back if you want to learn
• 5:05
  all about how women feel. Drunk on new Love, Tiny little
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  honeymoon stage during ovulation every month.
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  Anywho, so some women are like, yeah, I don't want to do all
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  this crazy shit because honestly, you can refer back to
• 5:19
  my blowjob. Why Blowjobs Fall Off in
• 5:21
  Marriage podcast. Honestly.
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  You know, he's older now. Blowjob takes a while.
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  If I do it to completion, we're not going to have sex that day
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  because his refractory period doesn't allow anymore.
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  And I'm fucking tired like all the time.
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  And basically what I want to do is lay there with some foreplay
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  back and forth. We touch each other, you know,
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  maybe there is a little oral, but the main event is
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  intercourse. Most of the time we are kissing.
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  We're making out. I don't tell him I hate him.
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  I don't tell him to get it over with, make some noises
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  indicating that I like it. Maybe we do two to three
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  positions. Maybe we do one to two positions
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  on the regular, but then on the off regular on every few weeks
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  or when I'm ovulating. We do different positions
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  sometimes, and I generally have a positive attitude about it,
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  except I just don't fucking feel like a porn star anymore.
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  And that's it, you know? Shouldn't he be happy with that?
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  We do it a few times a week. I come every time.
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  So does he. We we kiss Yes.
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  Then I say yes, he should, you know.
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  Then I say yes. You got a point.
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  You do. You got a point with that one.
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  You got a point. You have loving relations
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  multiple times a week. You seem to be into it.
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  So you like the same thing most of the time, because that's what
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  works. Give you an orgasm.
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  Then you're like the majority of women, but you're sometimes
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  willing to switch it up, like the majority of women.
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  And when you go away on vacation, maybe it gets a little
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  crazier. Or when the kids are out at
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  sleepovers and you don't have them sleeping right next to you,
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  sharing a wall on the other side.
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  OK, that is normal. That's a normal sex life.
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  Because sometimes people don't know what a normal sex life is.
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  They think that you know, as as I had this podcast, I said our
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  regular our normal married people having sex on the kitchen
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  table. No.
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  What? You know, what are you you've
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  been talking about? No, we don't have sex anywhere
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  but the places that the kids can't possibly find you, even if
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  they're not in the house. Usually.
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  Unless people had a few drinks and they decided to get crazy
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  but or don't have a few drinks and decide to get crazy.
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  The point is, is that the crazy stuff within a normal marriage
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  is unusual. You know, it's the crazy stuff.
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  It's the stuff we do sometimes. And usually you're doing
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  something that's more by rote, but both people tend to enjoy
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  it. Both people orgasm, both people
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  are hugging and kissing. Both people love each other.
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  Both people touch each other. That is a marriage sex life.
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  That is what I say. Yeah, he should be happy with
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  that. And if he's not happy with that,
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  then frequently, nine times out of 10, when I'm looking at it,
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  he's using a lot of porn, really meaning like daily or near daily
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  porn, bombarding his brain with images of women who will do
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  anything at any time. And he even looks up married
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  women sometimes to really tell himself that he's just looking
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  to make sure that other women do do the stuff he wants.
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  Married women who are doing amateur porn are A, you don't
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  even know if they're married women.
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  And B, like, come on man, you know, like this is be like if
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  she was looking at the bodybuilder competitions for how
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  like your 45 year old ass is supposed to look after go to the
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  gym for two weeks, like no way. What are you talking about?
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  But point being, either there's a lot of porn use, right?
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  Or the guy was a late bloomer and he didn't sleep with anybody
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  before her so he's trying to make her into his personal porn
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  star and that's not fair either, right?
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  So then at or, he conflates her sexual desire with some sort of
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  attraction to him because he's super obsessed with her
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  preoccupied attachment, which means it's not really about her.
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  He would be obsessed with any woman that he was with, and she
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  knows it. She could pick up on that one a
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  mile away. And he's got a lot of insecurity
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  to work through. Is it?
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  And then guys could get up in arms.
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  Oh my God. So you're telling me it's not
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  normal to want my sex life to be more exciting?
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  Sure it is. It's also normal for her to wish
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  that you were a millionaire or a billionaire, right?
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  Or that you were. You know, I wish I was a little
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  bit taller. I wish I was a baller.
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  Like, maybe she wants you to be 3 inches taller.
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  Maybe she wants you to, to be more confident.
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  I mean, everybody isn't everything.
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  So at a certain point we have to, you know, say is my sex life
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  good enough? And most people say yes.
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  In fact, I just looked this up for a discussion and secret
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  group and over half, 50 to 60% of married men are happy with
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  their sex lives. So you know, I mean like what?
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  What does that concord with? Does anybody know for bonus
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  credit For bonus credit, that's that's around who's securely
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  attached sex. Sexual satisfaction is a proxy
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  variable for secure attachment. Most human beings that grew up
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  in happy homes and who are securely attached do not go
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  around bitching and moaning about their sex life unless
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  there's some complete fall off that they were unaware of.
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  So I get some guys who are happily married for years and
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  years. They had no goddamn idea about
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  menopause at all. Neither did the woman.
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  Nobody talks about anything. And then she has menopause and
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  she, like, experiences no desire, vaginal pain, her entire
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  body and brain change and she's like, I don't want sex anymore.
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  And then, yeah, he's upset, Right.
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  And so they go to a sex therapist and she understands.
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  Oh, I guess, you know, that isn't fair.
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  And this is this and this is that.
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  And maybe I'll get some estrogen cream, but sex will never be
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  like it used to be. But then they could still, you
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  know, do something kind of that is OK.
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  That would be a normal, healthy reaction to menopause, by the
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  way, in a securely attached couple, which in and of itself
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  may be worth the free price of admission to this podcast.
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  But so for healthy, happy human beings, they don't sit there
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  perseverating about the number of times per week that they have
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  sex. It's people in insecurely
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  attached relationships, primarily the pursuer with the
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  distancer or too fearful Avoidance, right?
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  Who tend to have very hot sex at the beginning and then you know
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  everything goes to shit. But the point being, most human
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  beings do not sit there and perseverate over and over about
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  they wish their wife would do anal, you know?
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  I mean because they're not flooding their brain with images
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  of people doing anal all the time.
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  So you know, I say this all the time and this was in my podcast
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  about why women don't respect preoccupied attachment men,
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  which could be your wake up call if you are a preoccupied
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  attachment man to get your ass into therapy and 1st to listen
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  to everything that I've recorded on preoccupied attachment.
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  But the real reason is it's like, so if you're sitting there
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  24/7 looking at porn about anal sex and wishing your wife would
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  do anal sex on a regular Monday night, then what aren't you
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  doing? You're not focusing on your
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  kids. You're not focusing on your
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  career. You're not fully present because
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  you're obsessing about this in your mind like all the time.
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  Like, why don't you try to do something in the world right,
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  that would add value? Why don't you not, not just this
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  shit where you go and work out? Working out is fine.
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  That's wonderful. It's a wonderful thing to do for
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  your body, your brain and everything, but the IT could go
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  beyond that. Like, what is your meaning?
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  What is your value in this world?
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  Most people get that through career, through service, right?
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  Through figuring out how they could add value in the universe,
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  if it how how they could, you know, leave a mark on the world.
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  What's their legacy going to be? Do you want it to say on your
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  gravestone? My wife did anal.
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  She did it 25% more of the time than she would have if I wasn't
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  ha ha up her ass about it all the time making her guilty about
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  it. No, that's really not what most
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  people would want on their tombstone.
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  You know they they they would want a leader of men like you
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  know grew his business, employed all these people or you know,
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  was an excellent teacher, was an excellent mentor or you know
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  created XYZ thing in the universe, was well respected and
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  loved. You know, like it's it's not
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  like so. So when people perseverate on
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  just sex as their meaning for life, that usually speaks to a
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  deep, deep insecurity and low self esteem.
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  And you can that's at any age. That's a boy who's 16 that
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  thinks constantly like the Insel crowd.
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  Involuntary celibate is is what that stands for.
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  And that was a a name that they came up.
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  The people like that came up with that name Insel.
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  But anyway, those are boys, young boys, adolescents and
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  young 20s, boys who think that everything is terrible because
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  they're not getting laid. And then you see it in in men.
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  Men who are married, men who do get laid still have that
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  mentality. If they didn't, you know, work
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  on low self esteem early enough, then they are a late bloomer.
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  Then they get married, but they're still kind of have that
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  feeling of being like a a young boy that doesn't get what
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  everybody else is getting. And then that's the flavour of
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  the sex life, is that his wife is supposed to make up for
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  everything in the universe and she never can.
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  So obviously that is going to be upsetting to her and it's going
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  to push her away from him. So there really are no securely
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  attached people that are having constant fights about sex.
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  Like, it's just not a thing. It's one part of your life.
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  So it's an important part, and you should certainly be talking
• 14:09
  about it in therapy if you're in therapy.
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  But it is a part. It is a proxy variable.
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  It's a stand in. It's a representation of other
• 14:18
  things underneath that are not as good.
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  I have plenty of podcasts about this that people have literally
• 14:22
  written to me were epiphanies for them, such as sex is not
• 14:25
  about sex. And you could probably get laid
• 14:28
  one more time per week if you tried hard enough, but it
• 14:30
  wouldn't change anything. These things are important, you
• 14:33
  know, like these ideas are very important to for people to hear.
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  If you are having a loving sex life with a woman who is
• 14:41
  generally just not in the honeymoon stage anymore.
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  But she loves you. She She touches you, she hugs
• 14:47
  you. And sex is a little bit not like
• 14:49
  porn. As much as maybe you would want,
• 14:51
  why don't you think about what in her life isn't as perfect as
• 14:54
  she would want? You know, maybe instead of
• 14:56
  having a biweekly house cleaner, she would want to have a maid
• 14:58
  follow her around all the time. Wouldn't that sound nice?
• 15:01
  Sure. Is she going to get that?
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  No. If she's like a a healthy human
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  being, is she going to sit there and focus on every single thing
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  in her life? That could be easier or more
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  convenient, or or better, better Speak to her base needs of not
• 15:17
  wanting to do anything. You know, normal in the world.
• 15:20
  You know, Like, does she she up your ass that she doesn't have a
• 15:23
  chauffeur drive her around? No, probably not, you know.
• 15:27
  And if she does, then you're two people that are grappling with
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  what reality is. Two people that probably did not
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  get your needs met as kids and now have fantasies of unlimited
• 15:38
  power or ideal love. Do you know what that is?
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  By the way, that's a criterion from the DSM definition of
• 15:44
  narcissistic personality disorder.
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  So I'm not diagnosing, certainly, but if you're
• 15:49
  obsessed with your sex life not being good enough, you might
• 15:53
  look up the other criterion of narcissistic personality and see
• 15:56
  what fits and see what resonates.
• 15:58
  Because when people grow up, by the way, with self absorbed
• 16:01
  parents, sometimes they become a little more self absorbed than
• 16:04
  they realize. And a lot of times with men,
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  they perseverate on their sex life having to be perfect
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  because everything that they want in their life is supposed
• 16:12
  to be perfect and optimal. And when they're women, they
• 16:16
  focus on ideal romantic love. So he so it would be the same
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  thing, right? So if a woman said to me, oh, it
• 16:22
  was Valentine's Day and he took me out to a restaurant and he
• 16:24
  got me a necklace and he told me he loved me.
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  But you know what? The card, I don't know.
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  I don't know. It wasn't really very poetic.
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  I'd be like, what in the fuck? Right.
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  Like, do you hear what you're saying?
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  When did you learn how to think like this?
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  Was your mother always unhappy with your father, who was always
• 16:42
  unhappy with you? What kind of a dynamic you're
• 16:45
  going to teach your children? And my clients can vouch for
• 16:47
  this. Like, you know, like, I mean, I
• 16:49
  might be like, yeah, it's not poetic, but then, unless the
• 16:53
  guy's a douche bag, otherwise I would be like, what are you
• 16:56
  doing? Like, though, isn't this like,
• 16:58
  good? Isn't this good?
• 17:00
  Isn't this what we're working on?
• 17:01
  Like, what is still going on? What part of this is AU issue do
• 17:04
  you need to be doing deeper work on why you're never happy?
• 17:09
  Right. So I would say it to women in
• 17:10
  the romantic realm. And so then say I say it to men
• 17:13
  in the in the sexual realm, assuming that it's the sexual
• 17:16
  equivalent of. Yeah, he did do something nice
• 17:18
  for Valentine's Day. Yeah, she does try in bed a
• 17:21
  little bit, you know, as much as she can.
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  But it's like, still way better than these people I hear about
• 17:27
  whose wife won't even look at them, who won't even touch them,
• 17:30
  who says basically get it done with.
• 17:33
  Well, yeah, my wife. Cause, like, a lot of guys would
• 17:35
  be like, wait, I thought my sex life was bad.
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  But then I hear some of your podcasts and makes me feel like,
• 17:39
  holy shit, I'm living the dream. Which is some of the reason that
• 17:42
  I do verbalize some of this range of human behavior.
• 17:46
  So if you're not in a sexless marriage or you're not in a
• 17:49
  marriage where your wife refuses basically to like, hug or kiss
• 17:52
  you or touch you or listen to anything that you think is
• 17:56
  important about the relationship, including sex and
• 17:59
  basically doesn't respect you or love you at all, you know, then
• 18:03
  you could be like, wow, maybe I don't have shit to complain
• 18:05
  about. Maybe most women aren't, you
• 18:07
  know, getting the whips and chains ready after the kids go
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  down on a Tuesday night. You know, like maybe that's just
• 18:13
  not a normal ask. Maybe I should stop watching the
• 18:16
  porn, you know, or or go into therapy and think about why I'm
• 18:20
  never happy. All right, I hope this episode
• 18:23
  was a wake up call for some of you and I will talk to everybody
• 18:26
  soon. Have a great day guys.