Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / Inside The Consulting Room. Episode 8. The Child Who Felt Too Much

Transcript

Inside The Consulting Room. Episode 8. The Child Who Felt Too Much · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee from the Children's Consultancy, and this is episode eight from the series Inside the Consulting Room and it's entitled The Child Who Felt Too Much.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: She began to cry before she'd even sat down, and this was her first assessment appointment.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't cry loudly or dramatically, but steadily, as though the feelings had been building for some time, and once they began they couldn't easily stop.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Some children are described as sensitive, emotional, easily overwhelmed, they cry quickly, they react strongly, and they feel deeply.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: And often the adults around them begin to worry.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: They worry that something is wrong, that the child's too fragile, too reactive, or just too much.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: But what if the problem isn't that the child feels too much, but that the world around them doesn't yet understand how to hold what they feel?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Amelia was nine years old, and her parents described her as highly emotional.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: She cried easily, became overwhelmed in social situations, struggled with transition, and at school teachers noted that she reacted intensely to small events, and if corrected, or even approached gently, she would become tearful.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: If plans changed, she became distressed.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: At home, her parents had begun to feel uncertain how much reassurance to give her, how much to encourage resilience.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's a pretty confusing picture from a parental point of view.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: But the clinical formulation suggested that she had heightened emotional sensitivity combined with limited affect regulation capacity, in and of itself not a disorder, although perhaps an indication that a disorder was emerging.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: But some children are born with a more reactive nervous system and they experience emotions more intensely, more quickly, more deeply.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's not so much that this is a disorder, but a temperament.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: But without sufficient emotional containment, these children can become overwhelmed, and their feelings just flood them, and they struggle to organize and regulate those experiences.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Amelia's parents were very caring and very attentive, but they'd begun to respond to her distress in inconsistent ways.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: At times they offered reassurance.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: At other times they tried to help her to calm down, and sometimes they would withdraw slightly when the intensity became difficult to manage.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now for a sensitive child this inconsistency can increase emotional uncertainty.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now inside the consulting room, Amelia's emotional world was immediately visible.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: She cried in sessions often.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: But whenever that happened, I didn't rush to stop the tears.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Instead I just stayed with them.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I would say things like that feels and looks like a lot right now.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: That happens a lot, doesn't it?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes Amelia would say, I don't know why I feel like this.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would tend to say things like look, sometimes feelings come before we understand them.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: All she would be able to do was feel, but not move to the stage of recognizing what those feelings were.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when I say this, it isn't important for the child who is learning to regulate to state why they feel, it is what they feel.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I've said this in numerous of my podcasts.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: But she began to name sadness, worry, frustration, excitement.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So each one was given a language.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now one afternoon she became upset when her game didn't go the way she expected.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: She began to cry and then stopped, looked at the therapist, and I said to her, What has happened?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: What is happening?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, I think I'm frustrated.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Yes, I think you are.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds absolutely right.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now this was an important moment because the feeling had been recognized, named and contained.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I began to get her to understand certain things, pausing before reacting, noticing what she was experiencing and using words instead of tears when possible.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: But most importantly, the therapeutic approach was providing something else.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was that of being emotionally understood.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now if an adult can understand the emotional experience of a child and name it not as a problem, but as something that is being experienced and can be managed, even valued, something changes.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: One afternoon she said, I think I feel more things than other people.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think I feel things a lot.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I simply responded with yeah, that's right, you do.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it's okay because we're learning how to help those feelings become less overwhelming.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Some children really do feel very deeply, and they notice things others miss, they respond strongly, but with the right support and the right guidance, these children not only learn to manage what they're experiencing, they develop extraordinary emotional insight.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: So my feeling here is that some at some point developmentally, alongside her temperament, helping her to name and to hold what she was experiencing didn't happen.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Or at least it didn't happen enough.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: What was important though, despite the origins, was that it was possible to help Amelia to move away from being overwhelmed by her feelings, to developing an understanding of them and the capacity to name and hold them.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: This was something I taught the parents to use, and it has its roots in what we call mentalization, enabling a number of different internal and interpersonal processes to fall into place.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: When we understand our own internal worlds, when we can make sense of what we're experiencing and not be overwhelmed by them, we carry those skills into life.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Mentalization begins very, very early on in a child's development.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't stop, but mostly it is formed as a consequence of interactions, thousands and thousands of interactions in the family home, and then it goes on to develop outside of the family home.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: It is about recognizing the emotional states of others and recognizing and learning how to tolerate our own.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Inside the consulting room, the child who feels too much begins to discover something very important, and it's that their feelings are not a problem.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: And with that understanding, they can learn how to live inside them safely.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening, and I will be back shortly with episode nine.